Poetry Corner

[mistysakura]

Okay, I'm sick of this poem sitting on my desk. Not fully happy with it, especially the last verse, but maybe clicking the 'Post' button will leave some inspiration. Comments to other poems will come later, I swear, when it's not 12:30 am with work in seven and a half hours.


Cocoon

A still suspended snapshot life
you nightmare while leaves rustle by
You sleep in my palm while I wonder
if the silk renders you blind
from vultures swooping from the skies
as carrion tempts their bloodshot eyes
In prison, does your heartbeat drive
instinctive ignorance, muffled lies?

When dewdrops freeze your fragile veins
do chills creep through your silent core?
I dust snowflakes off you to see
if shift in seasons touch your days
Are you in debt to threads that bind?
Winter hails your apocalyse
Old stillborn, will you strangle safely
while it robs your life unlived?

Watch as the reborn test their wings
A ghostly shell, you hang alone
Beneath your brittle mask, I yearn
to know the moth or buttefly
Will violets bloom your fluttering days?
Will flickering flames wither your wings?
Will you survive the trap you weave?
Have you retreated to the grave?

Is that why you shy from the light,
afraid your soul will shed its skin?
Scared to exhale your treasonous breaths
Tighten the noose to hold them in
As air grows thin and dreams recede
as harsh nature your dim life reaps
In bonds you refuse to release,
ask: have you ever truly lived?

[dratinihaunter13]

ada- i like the escalation in questions by the stanza. it gives the poem progress, which is important in this one's case, cuz most of it is observing something stationary and reflecting. i like the meter in this poem for it's natural flow and the interruptions within it. they seem to come at the correct places. iambic words finish some key lines - recede, release, unlived, alone. gives the questioning tone more urgency. as for the last verse i know what you mean. have you ever truly lived is such a common idea to end on, for a poem that has so many unique ways to express reflections. other than that though, i thought it did the trick

--
"Meltdown"

Two people two feet apart.
One still, staring at the screaming other's skin-
It's loosening like candle wax oozing
Through pores never before open
Eyes swallowed by runny gobs of mascara.
Two people two feet apart.
One still gawking, stupid
Until the inhuman tan-tinted puddle settles.
And there's nothing left to look at.