Seaking Love

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Here in the Northern Hemisphere, spring is just around the corner. Also, Valentine's Day passed by with nobody at TPM notifying about it. So what's your love life like these days? Do you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Have you ever had? What's the definition for a girl/boyfriend? I don't we think we have had this kind of thread for three years or more, so why not update?

I finally had a girlfriend for like 4 or 5 months in 2015. I got to know her in the hospital. But hospital romances are hospital romances, and we agreed to cut it off with the serious relationship and now we are just friends. We play games and watch Sailor Moon together.

Like I have told in 'The Truth About Mikachu Yukitatsu' and other old topics, all my romances were either one-sided or very short before the one in 2015. To name a few; my first love Aoumi never replied to my feelings, but living in the same house for 7 years, we did a lot of things together, played Bomberman, shared bags of candy and went swimming. MaaREIto-sama and I had a date in May 2003, but I was unable to grasp the opportunity to deepen the relationship. Then there's one friendship I have hidden a lot. I call it Mi-Mi2011. There I was able to form a friendship with a beautiful young girl, secretly loving and wanting her. I played Bomberman World with her as well.

I want to pose yet one more question. Do you think a girl could agree with me for another temporary, short term relationship? I want more experience on love things, but living with the same woman for the rest of your life sounds like a heavy promise now.

Now the topic is yours to reply. Please reply.

[Magmar]

When I think about defining a boyfriend, I guess I'd define that as someone with an agreed upon commitment to continue seeing one another with a promise to, if things should end, have a conversation about it ending, along with reciprocated feelings that we are interested in long-term pursuit of a relationship with an end goal of cohabitation. It feels very clinical to think of things in that way, though, and also very black-and-white. Whether that relationship is monogamous or polyamorous is really up to the couple, or triple, or even more!

I have a preference for monogamy, though, and would rather have a relationship with just the one person than one with others. I also don't really like open relationships.

I've had MANY short-term partners and a few long-term relationships. If I were to consider, say, six months as a "serious" relationship, then I've had four of those.

I've also recently had a three-month long-distance relationship but we broke up in January. I'm currently dating around a bit... there are two guys I've had two dates with and have a third date scheduled with one of them tonight and a third date this weekend with the other. It seems it's time to pick one to pursue, and I rather like this introverted man named Ian who is pursuing his PhD nearby. I think we've got more sexual and romantic chemistry. The other man, Randy, has an established career and a lot of outgoing energy which I also like. One's ENTP and one's INFJ, both of which work well with my personality type (ENTP), but I've always really liked those INFJs.

[Blademaster]

Obligatory smartass reply:

[Knight of Time]

As usual, I'm still single. But now I definitely know what I want in a potential girlfriend. While looks are important to me, I find that a great personality and plenty of intelligence are more important. Besides those, I'm now seriously considering someone who would definitely consider herself a girly girl (I'm not really attracted to tomboys). Last year I unexpectedly met someone who first caught my eye on plentyoffish back in 2010 or 2011, but unfortunately a combination of misfortune with her, strong opposition to my wish to make things "right" with her (and hopefully try and at least see if a friendship could have been possible), and the fact she works for a dentist I used to have an uncomfortable time with (I changed dentists in order to get over my discomfort with this dentist) have totally destroyed my interest in her. As excruciatingly painful as that is, I have no choice but to move on and forget her (hopefully that'll gradually get easier with enough time). Luckily, my new support worker (who is also distantly related to me) is planning to help me as much as he can, so with his help I have a funny feeling he and I might get to hang with one or more of the women from the place helping me with my disability that do have a girly side. Of course, it's going to take a LOT of time and work for me to be ready to fall in love with anyone. I don't want to break someone's heart, but until I can lower my really high guard, I just simply will have a very strong preference for friendship over love.

[Zak]

I've been starting to get a lot more attention from the ladies now than I did five years ago. In the last couple years my partner-count went from 2 to 14 haha (which I don't even consider that much, though five years ago I would have pedestalized that, go figure lol). Not really invested in anything serious at the moment, just a few flings here and there, some lasting longer than others. My last serious-ish relationship was in 2014. We ended up wanting different things.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those against monogamy. I just notice while dating around things usually tend to go my way the less overly invested I get, so that's working out for me right now.

[MToolen]

Sorry to be the outlier. I met a girl who had just moved in in eighth grade. We started dating that year, engaged freshman year of college, married sophomore spring break, have one son (15 mo old, likes Batman and making Mario jump on TV) and a daughter on the way in July. Part of it is we're very nice to each other, but a lot of it is that we try to keep communication open.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

It's just I came to realize that I just had no realistic ideas on what actually to do with the girls. Guard their virginity for the rest of their life?

[Magmar]

In the last couple years my partner-count went from 2 to 14 haha (which I don't even consider that much, though five years ago I would have pedestalized that, go figure lol).

You keep count????? O_o;;

Actually, I know plenty of folks who keep count. I just... don't care... lol. Thinking about it, until two weeks ago, I hadn't had any sex since June of last year, but when I was ten years younger or so, I would've probably hooked up with 20 or more people in that time. Oh, the hormones of youth.

[abunaidesu]

I've been starting to get a lot more attention from the ladies now than I did five years ago.

rofl

[shazza]

It's just I came to realize that I just had no realistic ideas on what actually to do with the girls. Guard their virginity for the rest of their life?

This may be your best post yet.

[ChobiChibi]

As a girl, please don't protect virginity. Sex is good. Sex is fun. Have sex and take virginities! (Of those who are willing and consenting, of course!)

I've had 2 serious relationships. I was with my ex for 6 and a half years, and I haven't seen him since we both left from university. He's now living in America, and I found out he recently got married to enable him to get his green card. And his now wife is fine with it. Wow. Poor girl.

I'm getting married in 158 days. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I've never been good with casual relationships. I once tried hooking up with a friend, it didn't end well. We're still friends. The attempt at sex was awkward and honestly there was no chemistry. You gotta try something once though I guess?

[Zak]

You keep count????? O_o;;

Actually, I know plenty of folks who keep count. I just... don't care... lol. Thinking about it, until two weeks ago, I hadn't had any sex since June of last year, but when I was ten years younger or so, I would've probably hooked up with 20 or more people in that time. Oh, the hormones of youth.

Haha I actually never thought about it until recently like a month ago when faced with that question and thinking "shit, you know what? I lost count..." and later that day went through them in my head.

Might have missed one or two, haha some were more forgettable than others.

Also, wtf is "guarding virginity"? Especially when applied to someone else... shudder

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Also, wtf is "guarding virginity"? Especially when applied to someone else... shudder

It's either

1) a medieval thing, think of knights and the castle maidens they protect
2) a conservative thing, sex before getting married used to be prohibited, you know
3) you have to wait until you are 18 or so anyway, depending on the country
4) there are some values behind being a virgin, some may find being untouched the same as beautiful
5) or just something I made up because I was jealous to the other boys.

[Zak]

It's either

1) a medieval thing, think of knights and the castle maidens they protect
2) a conservative thing, sex before getting married used to be prohibited, you know
3) you have to wait until you are 18 or so anyway, depending on the country
4) there are some values behind being a virgin, some may find being untouched the same as beautiful
5) or just something I made up because I was jealous to the other boys.

1. So like, white knights? That kind of behavior is actually kind of off-putting.

2. Okay sure, that exists, but why impose it on someone?

3. Why would you be taking an interest in girls under 18 to want to "guard their virginity" until then?

4. I guess I can get behind this... well, maybe not so much a virgin, but a woman with a lower partner count/less promiscuous is considered more attractive/desirable often to men (including myself), but it's the opposite with men.

5. Ok

[Magmar]

Wow, Zak, we totally see eye-to-eye here! Yeah, to your point in #4, a lot of people really get hung up on that, which isn't fair for women. Nobody should have to have any amount of sex that they have had chalked up to their worth. That is, unless they're a cheater (i.e., having sex with others while in a relationship where the expectation of monogamy is agreed upon and I am NOT listing the exceptions for perhaps people in abusive relationships etc here but just know they exist), in which case, you're an ass and should be viewed as a bit less desirable--if only because it means you're dishonest, and I don't trust dishonest people to not have STIs...

[Zak]

Wow, Zak, we totally see eye-to-eye here! Yeah, to your point in #4, a lot of people really get hung up on that, which isn't fair for women. Nobody should have to have any amount of sex that they have had chalked up to their worth. That is, unless they're a cheater (i.e., having sex with others while in a relationship where the expectation of monogamy is agreed upon and I am NOT listing the exceptions for perhaps people in abusive relationships etc here but just know they exist), in which case, you're an ass and should be viewed as a bit less desirable--if only because it means you're dishonest, and I don't trust dishonest people to not have STIs...

Heh, I kinda figured I'd catch some heat for #4. Allow me to elaborate further.

Thing is, this 'value' is really more prevalent when it comes to searching for a long-term/life/marriage partner. Otherwise it's not really a big deal (unless of course they have STIs like you mentioned).

And sure, it's not fair to women to generalize that one who is promiscuous and had a lot of sex would be what you described. They could very well not be a cheater. But while the stigma is common, that's not the only concern people have with women like that. One thing many seem to miss when putting up the "slut shaming" defense, is that the men who do put stock into things like that are not necessarily saying she's a bad person.

Another common phenomenon that promiscuity has a tendency to correlate with, is them simply having a tendency to get bored of someone fast and branch-swing pretty quickly, and the constant desire for excitement and 'grass-is-greener' mentality doesn't really go away. I'm sure you're probably familiar with the running gag/meme about how when people get married, the sex dies down. Or should I say - when a woman gets married, she loses sexual attraction to her husband. Or starts seeing sex as a chore, and using it as a 'monthly reward' or whatever, and using his desire for it to her advantage. Not sure if you'd consider that relationship 'abusive' but I certainly would, even if she's not actively cheating. He shouldn't have to be miserable and manipulated like that, he's better off with someone who's sexually enthusiastic about him as he is about her. Another possibility is that she could be straightforward and honest with herself about losing her attraction to him, and they could mutually file for divorce. Sure, best case scenario, but it still sucks for him if he was still attracted the whole time (but of course that doesn't make her a bad person).
Or better yet, a year (or even a few months) into the marriage, she might propose an open relationship, when the guy never had a desire to be non-monogamous... *shudder*. And of course, when they're already legally married and it comes to light that there's suddenly a huge difference in what they want, things could get ugly. Amazingly enough, some are able to guilt-trip them into agreeing to it by using "feminism" (which is what I imagine happened to the poor fellow in the article). IMO though merely asking that is shitty enough, especially when you both entered the relationship initially under the impression you were both monogamous. I mean, if she claimed to be monogamous at first, and then changed her mind after entering a relationship with him, what does that say about him?

A study did show that correlation between such phenomenon and women who were promiscuous growing up. But it's more of a thing to be wary of to keep themselves from getting hurt. Plus, considering how skewed the divorce courts have a tendency to be, that's just the tip of the iceberg on why it's such a huge risk to take 'wifing them up'.

The worst part is that on the off-chance that if she *does* in fact cheat, she will often rationalize that as that "he wasn't pleasing her" and try to make it be his fault. And people will buy into that. Or worse, the "he doesn't own her" gaslighting defense.

Another common catchphrase which they have a tendency to use (which is another reason to not marry them) is "marriage material". Sure, that sounds like a complement on paper when they refer to a man as such, but really, taking the above into account... it's really the opposite. I'm sure you've also heard the phrase "I've had my fun, but now I'm ready to settle down". Settle. Let that sink in for a second... despite that being such a popular cliche and socially-acceptable quote, I don't think most men would be thrilled to know that they were "settled" for. Another reason for the above phenomena is that people like that have a tendency to view their 'fun' partners differently than they view their 'marriage' partner, and get a different kind of excitement from each, and with the latter, security is more a priority than attraction at that point, hence the 'sexless marriage' occurrence. I mean sure, they can try and find a happy medium. But if security tends to take priority over sexual chemistry at that point, chances are it's gonna be merely 'satisfactory' rather than 'amazing' for her, compared to her past life - and I'm sorry but something like that is gonna affect it and take a toll later down the line.

One last point to add to the above - "the best part about getting married is, you can let yourself go". Okay... now don't get me wrong, a woman can do whatever she wants with her own body. That's her own decision. Think about this though - she went out of her way to make herself be attractive to guys she was excited by when she was having her fun. If "getting married" is her reasoning for suddenly not feeling an incentive to do that anymore for her partner that she's supposedly excited by/attracted to, then her thought pattern is probably "I don't have to worry about him leaving me/losing physical attraction to me". Which is kind of cruel and kind of reflects a lot on how she views her marriage. "He's a pushover and he won't leave me because he'll have trouble finding anyone else if he does"/"we're legally binded now so it'll be complicated for him to leave me so let him be stuck with someone he's not physically attracted to because he won't leave me"... seriously, I can't think of a single positive conclusion from that statement.

You never know, there could be a once-promiscuous person that doesn't have any of the above tendencies. But that's too much of a risk to take when jumping into something big like marriage.