Kelly Kanto - Silly Fanfic (PG-13)

[Magmar]

This might be a one-shot... we'll see. I just want to write something silly. Kelly is a lot like a character in a fictional work I'm pulling together, and I need to do something besides work on that novel for a change.

Slapping a PG-13 label on the top because of some language and violence, but seriously I think all ten active TPMers are over 13 anyway.

Kelly Kanto

Chapter 1: Let's Talk Some Top-Quality Trash About Professor Oak

June 27 was a special day in the tiny nation of Kanto. Not only was it known as Kanto Founders' Day, a holiday that celebrated the birthday of the three original settlers of the decommissioned Kanto World National Park ninety years ago, but by perhaps something that could not be called coincidence, it was nearly everyone's birthday.

The twenty-seventh of June fell about nine months after another national holiday, Breeding Day, an annual celebration that fell on the third Saturday of September each year. On this day, the adults of each town who wanted children would descend upon the plazas and engage in massive parties of procreation. The tradition emerged in response to the fact that on or around children's twelfth birthdays, they were required to fly the nest and start journeys to become Pokemon masters. Parents expected their children to complete as much schooling as possible before heading into the woods and fighting for survival.

Kelly Jones had already lost three friends in her sixth grade graduating class. The three children, Mark, Santiago and Joy-34, had all been born somewhat prematurely and thrown out of school, cast into the woods and expected to fight for their lives against feral monsters. Kelly remembered when the intercom buzzed during a history class in late May, calling Santiago to the office; she saw him leaving with all his belongings half an hour later, being chased out of Pallet Town by the school officer, Jenny-29, and her pet Growlithe-733. He was never heard from again.

Nevertheless, the class had dwindled from six to three, and on the morning of June 27, Kelly woke up to the screeching of her father.

"Get your ass out of bed, Kelly! It's Purging Day!"

Kelly groaned and pushed the blankets off her bed. She looked around her bedroom. Her bookshelves and desk were organized, her clothes crammed into her Silph-Bag - Bigger on the Inside (TM), and all of her precious belongings stowed away except for her glasses. She stepped out of bed, pulled off her pajamas and took a long hot shower; she did not know if she would have the opportunity to shower for several months. As she waited for her hair conditioner to set, she thought about the maps she had memorized, the trivia about the monsters that lived in the woods and seas around her, and wondered if she'd be dead in a week like her older sister Margaret.

Kelly felt a fire burn inside her. She was determined to survive the ordeal at any cost. She was going to kick all of the ass and become a Pokemon Master even if it cost her her life.

After taking her time to dry her hair and put on a practical outfit--jeans, calf-length boots, a loose long-sleeve shirt and copious amounts of insect repellent--and entered the kitchen. She was still early for the Purging Ceremony. She scarfed down some Froslass Flakes, crunching loudly so she did not have to listen to the sobs of her mother and father in the other room, and avoided the gaze of her younger siblings that watched her eat with horror and despair on their faces; they did not know if they would ever see Kelly again.

What Kelly could not see was that these six little tykes could not wait for her to be out of their lives. Kelly was, to put it bluntly, kind of a huge asshole. As for how she was their parents' favorite kid, these little ones had no idea. Kelly was probably the single most vulgar and horrible person to live in Pallet Town since Joy-34's older brother Joey, who dodged Purging Day and maliciously left a bear trap on Professor Clark's threshold. After the professor's amputation and receiving a wooden leg (leading to the nickname Professor Oak), Joey was thrown into the sea. Kelly heard a rumor that he was eaten by Magikarp; she may have invented that rumor, though.

But Kelly knew this world was screwed up. She was determined to take it over by any means possible. She was sick of losing friends already. Besides, Joey was hella rad, she thought.

Once she had finished her breakfast, Kelly went into the living room. She tripped over some Pikachu-themed robot toy, swore, and threw it through the glass window. The force sent shards of glass into the garden, and they all heard the dog yowl.

"Kelly, what the hell? Why are you already being such a huge douche first thing in the morning?" said her mother.

Kelly shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. Why are you throwing your eleven-year-old daughter into the mean streets of the forest to suffer and die?"

"Because it's tradition!" insisted her father.

"Well, I have something to say about your stupid tradition," said Kelly. She flipped off her parents and slung her backpack over her shoulder. "I am going to survive and I am going to become a Pokemon Master. I don't care whose day I have to end, whose window I have to smash; I'm going to win."

Her mother stood up. "Kelly, you have to be humble! You never know what you'll encounter out there!"

"Oh, I know what I'm going to encounter," said Kelly, folding her arms. "I'm going to encounter PAIN AND DESPAIR!"

The Purging Ceremony was not for another hour; first, Kelly and her two friends would meet with Professor Oak at his laboratory and receive their instructions and companion Pokemon. This portion of the ceremony was always private to prevent parents from interfering with the process and procedures. Scowling, she huffed down the street and toward the professor's laboratory. She entered the rundown Professor Clark Oak's Agriculture Laboratory, flipped off the receptionist, and kicked the door to enter the meeting hall.

After scanning the hall and taking in several photos of successful local Pokemon trainers and their lists of achievements, Kelly spotted her two classmates. Agnes Mildred Smith had the single worst name that Kelly had ever heard. She had been given two family names of relatives who had survived their Purge; this was a common good-luck practice in the community. Agnes had a kind nature and a big grin that now bore braces; they had been hastily put in her mouth after graduation last week. Jackie North was Jack and Joy-34's younger sister. She was born with black hair rather than pink and had been removed from the family tradition of naming all daughters Joy. Jackie was an arrogant little snot who liked to pull pranks like Jack, but she was stealth enough to get away with these crimes most times. Kelly's personal favorite prank was when Jackie had put poisoned spikes on their principal's chair after he had cast Santiago out of the village a month ago. Kelly wished she could have been there to see the principal stagger into the Pokemon Center and throw himself on a Chansey. She heard it was epic.

The three children had no time to catch up before Professor Oak hobbled into the meeting hall. He looked particularly haggard on this otherwise lovely Tuesday morning; he smelled faintly of alcohol and cigarettes. "Greetings," he rasped; Jackie threw a water balloon at him. It landed point-blank on his chin, knocking him backwards.

"That's for Jack, asshole," said Jackie, and she flipped her hair. "You nasty murderer. I hate you. I wish the bear trap had reached your crotch."

"Just for that, you get to pick your Pokemon last," said Professor Oak angrily. "You are lucky that I do not cast you into the Tauros Field to be trampled to death!"

"You people are sick," said Agnes. "Can we just get this over with? I have a plane to catch. I'm moving to Hoenn the second I get my passport from you."

Professor Oak smiled smugly. "Ah, you must be Agnes," he wheezed. "Your passport will not permit international travel until you attain at least six gym badges in Johto. For your snark, you will choose your Pokemon second."

"Are you serious?" said Jackie, an eyebrow raised. "What's your problem, bro? She just wants to survive. Stop being such a colossal jerk."

"You are in my lab, and whatever I say goes," hissed the Professor. "Let the records show"--he pointed at a recording device on the table--"that the order of Pokemon selection shall be Kelly, then Agnes, and Jackie. Kelly has advantage in the Pokemon selection since she is still eleven."

Kelly put a fist in the air. "Yes! That means I can do whatever I want, since you set the records already," she said. "Agnes, Jackie... who wants to talk some top-quality trash about Professor Oak?"

"Pick me!" said Jackie. "Professor Oak is a murdering cowardly pegleg douche!"

"Professor Oak is a worthless antagonizing drunk!" said Kelly.

"Professor Oak hasn't gotten any action since he was electrocuted by the curling iron he tried to shove in his ass!" said Agnes. "That's also why he's going bald and has hemorrhoids the size of a Snorlax."

Jackie and Kelly oohed at Agnes's response. "Brutal," said Jackie.

"I took lessons from you," said Agnes.

"Are you done yet?" spat the Professor.

Kelly laughed. "Nope! Professor Oak is a filthy tyrant responsible for dozens of kids' deaths, and he only Purges us because he's jealous of how beautiful and perfect we are. Unlike him."

"Professor Oak is so ugly, I heard Mark went blind when he first saw him," said Jackie. "I've seen more attractive Meowth crap in the woods!"

"Let the records show that Professor Oak looks like Meowth crap," said Agnes Mildred in a raspy, mocking voice.

The professor scowled and kicked Agnes's chair. Kelly shrieked and kicked the professor point blank in his remaining knee. He howled and fell to the ground, holding his leg; while falling, he grabbed for Agnes's chair and pulled her backwards. Agnes fell from the chair and landed on the professor's chest. She jumped and stood up, accidentally kicking him in the back of the head with her boot, knocking him unconscious.

"Well, this is a pickle," said Kelly. "I did not know you had that in you, Agnes!"

Jackie then walked over and kicked the professor between the legs. "That's also a pickle," she said. "We should probably get the hell out of here!"

"Where would we go?" asked Agnes. "We can't go into the woods without Pokemon."

"Obviously, we're going to have to steal Pokemon," said Kelly. She grabbed the recording device and threw it through a pane of glass that looked out into the hallway. She ran out the door and over to the receptionist. "Help, help!" she said. "A Voltorb rocked up to the meeting hall and exploded! It took out the window and knocked out Professor Oak!"

The receptionist stood up. "Oh, not again!" he said, and he followed Kelly to the decimated meeting hall. He began tending to Professor Oak's bleeding eyebrow. As the receptionist tried to stop the bleeding, Kelly motioned Agnes and Jackie down the hall; the three entered the room labeled "CLARK OAK'S LAB."

"Okay," said Jackie, looking left to right. "I see three packages on the counter over here--they have our names," she said. "It's probably a Pokedex and some balls for each of us. And there are three other Poke Balls by the window. I think those are the ones we're supposed to take as our starters."

Agnes nodded. "Kelly, you go first," she said as she removed a shard of glass that had gotten stuck in her long, impractical cardigan.

Kelly walked over to the table and grabbed all three Pokemon. "We have to get out of here," she said urgently. "It won't be long until the cops rock up, and once they cast Revive Smoke in the room, they'll realize there are no remnants of a ruined Voltorb."

Kelly tossed one Poke Ball to Agnes and the other to Jackie. "There's no time to check them out," said Jackie. "Let's roll!"

Jackie, Agnes and Kelly ran past the ruined meeting hall, around the corner of the reception desk, and out into the harsh June sunlight. Before them was a massive crowd; all the citizens of Pallet Town had gathered to celebrate the Purge. Immediately, a barrage of flashes blinded them further; the paparazzi had arrived at least.

"Happy birthday, Jackie!" called Jackie's mother from the crowd. "What Pokemon did you choose?"

Jackie gulped. "This one!" she said, throwing the ball in the air. A Bulbasaur emerged in a flash of red light; the little green critter looked up to Jackie with curious fuchsia eyes. "Great, can we go now?" she said quickly.

"Kelly Jones, how does it feel to be the first eleven-year-old trainer in six years?" asked another reporter. "Did you choose Squirtle or Charmander? Why?"

Kelly shrugged. "Obviously I chose the best Pokemon there is because I am going to be the greatest Pokemon Master since Gary Clark," she said. "See?"

Kelly tapped on her Poke Ball and a bright little lizard emerged in a flash. "Char?" said the critter.

"Oh, you chose Charmander!" said the reporter. "Why did you choose Charmander?"

"Because I can't wait to begin!" said Kelly. "Let's go, Agnes, Jackie!"

In two quick flashes, the Charmander and Bulbasaur returned to their Poke Balls, and the three girls ran through the crowd. "Jackie, Kelly, the cops are here!" shouted Agnes. "We have to run faster!"

They broke through the din, Jackie somersaulting as she tripped over a small child, and together, the three ran to the dusty path labeled Route One.

[Magmar]

Chapter 2: Disobedient Pidgey

Kelly, Agnes and Jackie ran like Zubats out of hell until Agnes was completely out of breath. Far from athletic, Agnes had slacked in all Train the Trainer lessons during the last two years, and she collapsed to the ground wheezing.

"Girl," said Jackie; she was by far the least out of breath. "We need to get you in shape if we're going to survive on the lam."

Kelly took a deep swig of water from her refillable bottle. "Agnes," she said, panting. "Don't worry about it. If the cops come after us, we can always fight them with our Pokemon."

"You--two--don't--get--it," rasped Agnes. She straightened herself up and dusted off her leggings. "I--have--a--chest--and you don't." she whined.

"So, we're on the lam, then," said Kelly, changing the subject. "I have no idea how we're going to get to Hoenn or whatever if we're on the Kanto's Most Wanted list. That professor probably wants to feed us to the Sharpedos! He probably imported them from another country just to torture us."

"Wouldn't that be ironic," spat Jackie bitterly. "I've always wanted to have my life terminated by a Sharpedo."

Agnes and Kelly sat on a tree stump and massaged their sore legs. "Well, today didn't go as planned," said Agnes. "I'm already sick of this and it's only 9:30 in the morning. Worst birthday ever!"

Kelly sighed. "I don't want to do this anymore," she moaned. "The best thing we can do is make it to Viridian City and join Team Rocket or something before we're arrested."

"Maybe not," said Jackie. She was looking at the Pokedex that had been inside her brown paper bag. "I'm reading the news now. Apparently they did find the remains of a Weezing in the Pokemon Lab! Who knows what kind of messed-up shit that professor was doing to that poor Pokemon?"

"That's awesome!" said Kelly. "Thank you for the sacrifice, Weezing! Obviously the press is going to believe us over that rotten professor since we're so cute and perfect in every way."

"That's... actually completely plausible," said Agnes. "Best birthday ever!"

Kelly flipped her hair back. "This is amazing! Almost as amazing as I am, anyway. Maybe with a little luck, we can steal some gym badges and use our Passports to get out of this screwed-up country."

"If we put our heads together, there's nothing we can't do," said Jackie. "Well, while we're here... What do you think we should do first, Agnes?"

"Maybe we can catch some Pokemon for protection," said Agnes. "There's a whole lot of nothing on this trail, though. I don't see any."

"Hmm," said Jackie. The three novice trainers pondered for a few minutes. "Maybe our Pokemon can sniff out the wild ones? They are animals, after all."

Kelly shrugged. "I don't trust this Charmander in the woods. It's the dry season and my Pokemon is literally on fire. The last thing we need is to be wanted for arson and grand theft Pokemon and beating the crap out of that mangy professor."

"Bulbasaur should be good at smelling grass," said Jackie. "Let's give it a shot. What do we have to lose? Come on out, Ganja!"

Jackie released her Bulbasaur from her Poke Ball. "Bleh?" said the critter.

"You named your Pokemon after a drug?" said Agnes, raising an eyebrow. "Something is wrong with you in the head, Jackie."

Jackie laughed. "Nah, you're the one who's uptight, Agnes," said Jackie. "Alright, Ganja, you know what to do. I order you to sniff out some wild Pokemon!"

The Bulbasaur looked left, then right, and scampered off toward the woods. Jackie pulled a packet of Pop-Tarts out of her Silph-Bag and devoured them within a minute; she was one of those people who could eat a ten-scoop ice cream sundae and lose weight. To pass the time, the three read news on their Pokedexes and watched Ganja's rustling trail move along the surface of the wheat blades before them. "Whoa, no shit!" said Kelly, looking up from her Pokedex. "That old codger's corroborated our story! Apparently he has a concussion and said he does not remember what happened."

"Hang on," said Jackie, and she began doing cartwheels and whooping for joy. "We're not wanted criminals, we're not wanted criminals," she sang while cartwheeling down the path.

Agnes poked Kelly's shoulder. "Hey," said Agnes. "Remember when we were little and thought this was going to be easy?"

They watched Jackie cartwheel past them in the other direction. "Vaguely," said Kelly. "I remember when we were little and thought we were going to run away before they Purged us. There's something messed up about the politics of this country. I can guarantee that adults decided to Purge children. I mean, kids want to take off all the time. I definitely wanted to leave my house whenever my mom and dad pissed me off. But we're being forced to do this."

"So either we do it better than anyone else and survive or we circumvent the system and pray for the best," said Agnes. "Or we die."

"Yeah, we could die," sighed Kelly. "But, I mean, it's not like the universe wants such perfect and beautiful people like me to die!"

"No, it kind of does," said Agnes.

"WHAT!" shrieked Kelly. "Are you... backstabbing me? YOU HIDEOUS TRAITOR!"

Agnes stood up and flipped her hair. "Not backstabbing per se, but I am definitely going to shut your narcissism up for a while! Let's battle. Squirtle, I choose you!"

Agnes threw her Poke Ball in the air, and out came...

"...Pidgey?" said the two girls together.

"I have a friggin' Pidgey," muttered Agnes.

Kelly blinked. "I thought for sure that you would have had a Squirtle..." she said, her jaw agape.

"Unbe-freaking-lievable," moaned Agnes. "Professor Oak really does want me to die, doesn't he! Pidgey, get back here!" shouted Agnes, and she pointed the Poke Ball at the bird. But Pidgey did not obey; the Pidgey dodged the beam of fluorescent light and perched itself on a branch, its head turned away from Agnes in defiance.

Kelly scratched her head. "So not only did you get a Pidgey, but she seems to be a complete asshole," she said. "What does your Pokedex have to say about her?"

Agnes reached into her cardigan pocket and took out her Pokedex. She flipped it open and pointed it at the Pidgey. "Pidgey, the bird Pokemon," said the Pokedex. "If you don't know what a Pidgey is, then you don't stand a chance at surviving in the woods. Give up now."

"Wow, go pound sand," said Agnes, flipping off the device.

"No, you go pound sand!" said the Pokedex.

Agnes scowled. "Alright, Einstein, what level is my Pidgey?"

"Level fifteen," replied the little red gadget.

"Hmm," said Kelly. "I remember learning in Train the Trainer that starting Pokemon are standardized at the fifth level to prevent them from disobeying a novice trainer," she said. "So basically, you have a Pokemon you can't use."

"I think I skipped that day to eat ganja brownies with Jackie and play Machop Kart," said Agnes, and Kelly rolled her eyes and muttered of course you did. "How can I make the bird obey my whims?"

"You have to earn the respect of your Pidgey," said Kelly. "Basically, she has to respect your authority as a Trainer."

Agnes frowned. "Okay, I have an idea," she said. She forced a smile and reached her arm into the air. "Oh, Pidgey, are you hungry? Come here, sweetie! Mama's got some yum-yums for you, sugar! Oh, Mama's gonna call you Sweetie Bird, yes she is!"

The Pidgey turned to Agnes and gazed at her with a look of intense curiosity and consideration. "Puu?" said the bird.

"That's right, Sweetie Bird! Come see Mama and have a nice snack. You must be hungry after being starved by that rat bastard professor for so long! Mama has some nice Rattata kibbles for you, yes she does!"

Kelly's eyebrows arched to the moon as the Pidgey, at last, flew over to Agnes. "Good birdie!" said Agnes. She put a hand on the fowl and pet her head. "Now, listen closely, Sweetie Bird." Agnes's complexion then turned dark, and she gripped the bird tightly. "YOU WILL OBEY YOUR MASTER, YOU LITTLE TWIT! BE MY FRIEND! I DEMAND YOU!"

The bird, agitated, tried to rustle itself away, but Agnes's bulk and determination tightened the grip. "Jesus wept, Agnes, put that bird down!" shrieked Kelly. "You're going to ruin any chance of her ever obeying you!"

"NO!" wailed Agnes. "I WANTED TO GET OUT OF THIS MESSED UP COUNTRY AND NOW I AM STUCK WANDERING THE WOODS FOR YEARS, AND THIS BIRD IS MY ONLY HOPE OF SURVIVAL! ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TO SAIL THE SEVEN SEAS AND MAKE HAPPY MEMORIES BUT MY HOPES AND DREAMS ARE OVER!" she screamed at the Pidgey. "AND THIS PIDGEY IS GOING TO MAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE OR DEATH FOR ME AND SHE WON'T EVEN LISTEN TO ME! I DON'T WANT TO DIE, KELLY! THIS WORLD IS SO MESSED UP! I'M ONLY TWELVE!"

Kelly pulled her hair back, "Oh my God, get a grip, Agnes!" she screeched as she tried to wrestle the Pidgey out of Agnes's hands. "Charmander, come out! I need your help!"

In a flash of light, the lizard obeyed. "Chaaa?" said the Charmander. He looked up and assessed the situation. Recognizing the imminent danger, the Charmander jumped at Kelly and scratched her with his claws.

Kelly let out a wail and jumped off Agnes; startled, Agnes dropped the Pidgey, who fell to the ground with a thud. "Charmander, why the hell did you do that to me?" sobbed Kelly; her forearm was bleeding profusely. "I was trying to save that Pidgey's life!"

Agnes sat down next to Kelly and assessed her arm. "I think the Charmander thought you were hurting me and the Pidgey," said Agnes. "That's what he saw. I don't think he meant to hurt you out of spite and malice."

"Bad Charmander!" sniffed Kelly, and she recalled the shamed lizard into his Poke Ball. "Oh, Agnes, my Pokemon's an asshole, too! We're so screwed!"

The two girls began heavily sobbing as they embraced, Kelly's arm staining both girls' clothes as the wound leeched blood, until their faces were so swollen they could barely breathe. Agnes fumbled through her Silph-Bag for some Mimex tissues and, when she finally found them, the two girls blew through half of the box. Able to see and hear again, Agnes turned to put the tissues back in the bag and heard a pitiful weeping sound. Looking up, she saw Sweetie Bird the Pidgey looking at her in return, her own eyes filled with tears.

A pitter-patter behind them distracted the two girls, and they turned away from their pile of used Mimex. Jackie was jogging toward the two. "What fresh hell is this?" said Jackie, assessing the scenario. "Geez, which one of you got the Pidgey? She's just as hormonal as you are!"

"Where the hell have you been?" asked Kelly, standing up.

"Whoa, girl, you're bleeding everywhere," said Jackie. "Hang on, I have some Potion-Lotion in my bag. That'll stop the bleeding at least."

Jackie quickly retrieved the ointment and dumped it on Kelly's arm; the wound immediately closed. "Wow, that was some quick-acting stuff," said Kelly.

"Well, at least now I know that you two are drama," said Jackie.

Kelly shrugged. "Well, Agnes is besties with Sweetie Bird over here now, and my stupid Charmander clawed my arm," she said.

Jackie's eyes widened. "Your Pokemon attacked you?" she asked. "Maybe we should get rid of that one. For the record, Agnes, Squirtle's secretions are medicinal. You can use your Squirtle to help heal wounds."

Agnes laughed coldly. "Oh, but this emo Pidgey is my starter, not Squirtle!" she said. "Please, Sweetie Bird, I need you to be my partner for a while."

The bird hopped into Agnes's lap and nuzzled her arm. "Magnificent," said Kelly bitterly.

"Anyway, while you two were being divas, I've already caught three new Pokemon," said Jackie.

Kelly and Agnes's furious shrieks were heard in Johto.

[Magmar]

Chapter 3: Pat Benatar Beats the Crap out of Christina Aguilera

Kelly Jones didn't feel much like eating, but she ate some of her packaged Tauros jerky and washed down some vitamins to try to replenish the blood she'd lost from her Charmander's attack. She, Agnes and Jackie talked some more fantastic trash about Professor Oak while they ate their lunch, and after eating, Kelly had no choice but to take a nap, as she felt thoroughly drained--both literally and emotionally.

When she awoke, she spotted Agnes cooing a few feet away over a rather plump green worm that had taken a liking to her arm. Rubbing her eyes, she stood up, shook the sand off her blanket, and approached Agnes. "Hey," said Kelly. "What's that?"

"Oh, this is my new Caterpie!" said Agnes excitedly. "While you napped, she had crawled on your back and curled up for a snooze, too. She was really easy to catch."

Kelly scowled. "What do you mean, she took a nap on my back and you captured her? Doesn't that mean she chose me?" she complained. "I want to be chosen! I don't even have any Pokemon I can use!"

"Calm your hemorrhoids," said Agnes. "There are loads of Pokemon around if you just sit around and wait for them to rock up. When you aren't shrieking like a banshee and smashing out windows, it's a surprisingly simple process."

Jackie jogged over to Agnes and Kelly. "Hey, you woke up!" said Jackie. "I thought you were going to be first to die for a little while there. I don't know if Ganja would eat human, but if it saves me a buck or two on feeding Ganja, I'm alright with that."

"I hate you," growled Kelly through gritted teeth. "I think I hated us less when we were on the lam for an hour."

"Anyway," said Jackie. "I've got my own Caterpie now, too, along with a Pidgey, a Rattata and a Mankey. I am cleaning house out here!"

"I'm pretty jealous of that," said Kelly. "I don't have any Pokemon I can use. My Charmander's in permanent time out for being a dick and scratching up my arm."

"Have you tried talking to your Charmander?" asked Agnes.

Kelly shrugged. "Not yet," she said. "Let's try it."

Charmander came out of her Poke Ball and looked up at Kelly; her face had extreme guilt upon it. "Chaaa?" she asked, fearing repercussions.

Kelly looked at the little lizard. "Char char charmander, char mander mader char?" she said. "Char!"

Charmander flipped her off.

"I tried!" scowled Kelly.

Agnes and Jackie laughed. "I think you just insulted her," said Agnes. "Stop being such a jerk to her and tell her in Pokemonglish that you need to talk."

Charmander rolled her eyes. "Char," she said, shrugging her tiny shoulders.

Kelly sighed. "Okay, look Charmander. You made a very bad decision attacking me and you ruined my entire morning. You could have scarred me if Jackie didn't have any Potion-Lotion, and if you ruined perfection, I would have had no choice but to throw you into the lake and cook you for my other Pokemon, of which I have zero. So, please, I'm imploring you to obey me, because you just don't look that tasty. In fact, I'd rather eat Murkrow than you, but there aren't any in this country except at the zoo, and I've done enough breaking and entering for one day. What I'm saying is, stop being a dick and obey me or you're fired."

The Charmander could not have been less impressed. If she had any practice doing so, she probably would have ignited Kelly. Instead, the lizard scowled and walked toward the woods.

"Are you going to chase after her?" asked Agnes, who was scratching her Caterpie's back fondly.

Kelly's eyes rolled so hard, they could have popped out of her face and rolled back home. "Fine!" she spat, and she stormed after the Charmander. "Oy, you!" she said. The lizard turned around; she wasn't in the mood. "Listen. I'm the absolute worst at using my words. I just need you to understand that, okay? I can be irrational. It's a fact of life. I'm not the nicest person. I need a lot of help working on that. So, I want a do-over. Can we at least have a truce?"

Kelly held out a hand to the Charmander, who thought for a moment. Finally, she reached out her own little paw and shook Kelly's hand. "Chaa," she said.

"Great!" said Kelly. "Okay, while the others are distracted, we should try to catch a Pokemon!"

The Charmander could not possibly have cared less about catching other Pokemon, but obliged. Kelly turned around to look in the woods, but she tripped over something soft and squirmy and fell face-first. "Chaa!" yelled the Charmander, running over to Kelly.

"This is not my freakin' day," growled Kelly. She turned around to investigate what had caused the accident. A little worm with a sharp stinger on its forehead was squirming along on the ground, shaking off the impact of Kelly's foot. "Oh, I know what you are! You're a Weedle!" she said excitedly. "I remember when we were eight and had to get stabbed by a bunch of you to get immunity to Pokemon poison! Charmander, wreck its day!"

Charmander nodded and chased after the Weedle. The little bug recoiled, pointed its head at the lizard, and charged; the blade narrowly missed Charmander's leg. "Yeah Charmander!" said Kelly. "Use your tail and smack it with the flame! That'll end that Weedle's afternoon!"

The Charmander's tail swished around, and embers scattered into the air as the burning appendage met its mark. The Weedle collapsed, smoldering. "Char!" said Charmander.

"Yes, I can see that you charred the Weedle," said Kelly. "Okay, so next we throw an empty Poke Ball at it and make a NEW FWEND!"

Kelly threw the Poke Ball at the Weedle, and it struck the worm point-blank on the face. However, there was no response from the ball; the Weedle remained smoldering on the patch of dirt.

"Char?" said the Charmander, poking the Weedle.

"HEY!" yelled Kelly to Jackie, and Jackie jogged over to her. "Dude, this Weedle won't go in the Poke Ball."

The Weedle was slowly melting into a puddle of goo and carapace. "Um, that's because your Charmander killed the Weedle," said Jackie, an eyebrow raised. "The sensors in the Poke Balls don't work on dead Pokemon. Good going."

Kelly pulled her hair and shrieked. "WHAT THE HELL!" she cried. "What was I supposed to have Charmander do? Either the Weedle kills Charmander with poison or Charmander kills Weedle with fire! This game is screwed up!"

"Not really," said Jackie. She picked up Kelly's Poke Ball and threw it over Kelly's head; it soared through the air and smacked onto a Weedle that was hanging out on a tree branch directly above Kelly. The ball wiggled as it tumbled through the air and landed in Kelly's hand. "This one's on me," she said arrogantly as she returned to Agnes.

Kelly kissed her middle finger and blew the kiss at Jackie's back. "Well, I guess we have a Weedle now," she said, shrugging. "Nice try, Charmander. You did exactly as you were told. You ruined that other Weedle's afternoon."

"Chaa!" said Charmander, and she obeyed as Kelly recalled her into her Poke Ball.

Evacuating the stench of charred flesh, Kelly walked over to Agnes and Jackie. "Congrats on the Weedle Jackie caught for you!" said Agnes. "That's exciting!"

"I hate that cow," said Kelly through gritted teeth. "What should we do next? Try to catch some more Pokemon? It's already three o'clock."

Agnes shrugged. "I don't know about you all, but I have to pee like a Rapidash," she said. "I'm going in the woods for a minute." She recalled her Caterpie into her Poke Ball. "Maybe Sweetie Bird will find some Pokemon and bring them down to you, Kelly."

"I also hate that heifer," growled Kelly, and she flipped her hair arrogantly. "Oh, well, it's only, what, eight hours into our journey? I'm getting a bad day over with early."

"Truth!" said Jackie. "It's crazy, though, how dangerous Pokemon are. My Bulbasaur is pretty good at wearing down the wild ones, but your Charmander is like playing with fire. Literally."

Kelly guffawed. "Yeah, I noticed," she said, rolling her eyes yet again.

Sweetie Bird flew down from the sky and perched herself on Kelly's shoulder. Kelly gave the bird a little scratch under her chin; the bird cooed fondly. "Agnes kind of got screwed out of a real starter, didn't she," said Jackie.

"Yeah, but this Pidgey's sweet," said Kelly.

While the two girls admired Sweetie Bird, they did not notice that some others had crept up behind them. In one swift motion, a large net was flung over the heads of the two girls and Pidgey, and they were violently pulled to the ground and bound tightly.

"What the hell!" shouted Jackie.

Kelly hissed. "I can't move! Get this piece of crap off me!" she cried as she tried to kick her legs.

Evil laughter followed the shadows that crept over them. Kelly and Jackie looked up. "Prepare for trouble!" said a woman's shrill voice.

"And make it double," said a sultry man.

"Jessie!"

"Jaaaaaaaaames."

"Team Rocket is here to wreck your afternoon!" said the two together.

"Oh thank God, Team Rocket!" said Kelly. "Listen, I was really hoping we could join the team. We're looking for any way out of this stupid training journey or whatever. We're gonna starve out here!"

Jessie laughed so loudly and shrilly, Sweetie Bird cooed in pain. "Oh, we don't accept twelve-year-old recruits!" she said arrogantly. "You are too young for the noble ranks of Team Rocket!"

"Noooooo-oh-ohhhh," said James in a sing-song voice. "What we do is catch you young trainers and steal your valuable starting Pokemon. Then, we leave you to die!"

"Happy birthday, darlings," cackled Jessie.

Kelly groaned. "Is this what happened to Santi and the others?" she asked softly.

James oohed and did a little dance like he thought he was Christina Aguilera in her worst track off Bionic. "I remember that one! He starved! And that other boy, Marky-Mark, ooooooh he was too easy to take out!"

"This is an awfully small Purge, though, James," said Jessie. "There's only two of them this time!"

"Well, the Boss won't care if we're two for twoooooohoohoohoo," said James.

"God, he's annoying," grumbled Kelly. "I like the chick, but this guy's a total dweeb!"

Jackie had managed to somewhat detangle herself from within the net. "Mankey, come out!" she yelled as she grabbed a Poke Ball. The confined space did not allow for much motion at all; rather, the quarters became cramped as the little angry monkey appeared and squirmed as he sat upon Kelly's face.

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Kelly, muffled beneath the monkey. "YOUR MANKEY'S ASS SMELLS LIKE MANKEY ASS! GET IT OFF ME!"

Kelly's face bore the brunt of the forcefully squirming Pidgey claws and Mankey feet, and she swore spectacularly as Jessie and James laughed maniacally and Jackie's Rattata made a surprise appearance between her sweater and her back. "This is hilarious!" laughed Jessie.

"Eeeheheeheheheheeeeheeeoooooohoooooohohooo," said James.

"Is he a Pokemon?" yelled Kelly from beneath the squirming Mankey.

"I don't know!" shouted Jackie as she tried to remove her now highly agitated Bulbasaur from squatting on her own face.

A loud screech interrupted the din. Kelly and Jackie could not see the source of the noise, but something had caught the attention of Jessie and James.

"Ha! I knew this Purge was too small," said Jessie; Kelly could see the swishing of Jessie's pink hair as Jessie arrogantly flipped it back and forth.

"Are you having a stroke, lady?" asked Agnes' voice.

Jackie muttered, "Not sure if we're saved or even more screwed now than we were before..."

"Eeeeehehehehehehehehhooohohhhhooooo, this one's cute," said James. "Hand over your Pokemon, pretty lady!"

Agnes roared. "You've got my Sweetie Bird in that net, and I won't let you get away with hurting my precious Pokemon! I'm gonna bash your faces in!"

"You're really rubbing off on her," said Kelly to Jackie.

"Thank God for that," replied Jackie.

"Oh, so you think you're a tough cookie!" said Jessie. "We've got a Bulbasaur and Charmander now, so you must have Squirtle! Hand it over, now, or I'll kill your friends faster than you can say yas queen!"

"Yaaaaas," said James, snapping his fingers.

"NOT YOU!" shrieked Jessie.

Agnes let out a war cry that Jackie and Kelly did not think she was capable of. "That's it! Consider your days ruined! I CHOOSE YOU, PAT BENATAR!"

Jackie and Kelly could not see what was happening from beneath the Pokemon that were slowly smothering them. The pompous cackles of Team Rocket suggested that the three were all similarly screwed.

"A Caterpie?" said Jessie. "That's the best you can do?"

Agnes snarled. "Pat Benatar, use your String Shot! You know the plan!"

Sticky goo erupted from Pat Benatar's forehead; rather than hit Team Rocket, the goo landed on the net instead, coating Jackie, Kelly and their Pokemon in a thick web. "Eeeheehehehehehe!" said James.

"Good going!" said Jessie. "Instead of beating us, Pat Benatar has beaten up your friends and their Pokemon instead!"

"I know," said Agnes.

"Maybe we should let the pretty one join Team Rocket, ooohohohohohoho," said James.

"Fat chance! Team Rocket is for cunning and innovative trainers! This bimbo is neither of those things!" snarled Jessie.

They did not give Agnes enough credit. The field was filled with a bright light that was distinguishable even beneath the goop that Pat Benatar had flung on Jackie and Kelly. Jessie and James shielded their eyes; the light was blinding. When the flash dimmed at last, all that was heard was Agnes's maniacal laughing as an imitation of James.

"How did that happen?" said Jessie.

Agnes flipped her hair. "I may have only been co-salutatorian in my class of three at Trainer School, but you do not give me enough credit! I'm freaking smart! Beating up all my friends and their Pokemon loaded Pat Benatar with experience, and now Pat Benatar soars the skies as a Butterfree!"

"Eeeeeat meeee!" cried Pat Benatar.

"Oh this isn't over!" hissed Jessie. "Ekans, come out and fight!"

"Ooooohohohohohohoo Koffing hoo," said James as he smelled a rose. The Ekans and Koffing appeared in flashes of pink light; they faced down Pat Benatar, Ekans hungrily and Koffing eagerly.

Agnes laughed ever louder. "Oh, your Pokemon are no match for mine! Pat Benatar is infused with the power of love! Pat Benatar, use Whirlwind!"

Kelly and Jackie could not have seen the tempest coming, but a powerful gust of wind sent them and their Pokemon into the air, trapped in the net. They heard Jessie and James laughing crazily as they were launched even further into the sky, and as the net tumbled toward the ground, Pat Benatar flapped her wings at it, softening their landing.

Agnes ran over and pulled the net off of Kelly and Jackie. In a moment of immense agitation, Jackie recalled all of her Pokemon. "That was brilliant!" said Jackie. "Why the hell did you name your Pokemon Pat Benatar, though?"

"Pat Benatar looks kind of like a Caterpie, dude," said Agnes.

"...I totally see it," said Kelly, and the three laughed.

[Magmar]

Chapter 4: The Spectacular Kanto Smack-Talking Gym Battle

The late afternoon sunlight was strong, and the heat index crept to dangerous levels. Kelly, Agnes and Jackie found themselves really wishing they had a Squirtle to help cool them off with some slick water jets or, at least, water to spare, but they decided to call catching Pokemon quits for the day and make their way to Viridian City.

It was half past seven o'clock when they reached the city at last. The sight of human civilization made them feel both elated and horrible. On the one hand, finding a city meant that they would not have to sleep on the ground, although they each had packed a sleeping bag in their Silph-Bags. On the other hand, surely there would be at least some paparazzi to bother them and eagerly ask rude questions about how amazing their journey must have been thus far.

Regardless of their mixed emotions, the three novices entered Viridian City, booked a room at the Hostile Hostel, and slept for twelve straight hours.

Kelly was feeling all sorts of insecure about their journey thus far. Jackie had managed to catch five Pokemon already, and Agnes had the two most powerful Pokemon of their number. All Kelly had was a Charmander that lacked basic judgment skills and a Weedle that for all she knew was an infant. Despite her jealousy, she overcame the desire to steal their Pokemon and run, and she attained a level of restfulness while her body healed.

The next morning, they awoke to the lousiest continental breakfast they had ever seen. "They're serving us literal Pokemon food," muttered Kelly.

"I'm not eating that," said Agnes. "Even Sweetie Bird and Pat Benatar want nothing to do with that muck and swill."

"It looks like Mankey crap," said Jackie. "Speaking of, after yesterday's episode, I'm taking my Pokemon to the grooming station at the Pokemon Center."

"Good, because heads will roll if that foul beast farts on me one more time," scowled Kelly.

Agnes giggled. "You should be kissing my ass instead for saving yours," she said, winking.

Kelly and Jackie flipped her off.

After taking miserably cold showers, the three went to the Pokemon Center to get their pets cleaned up after a day of rolling around in sand and poo. When Joy-19 and Chansey-161 and Chansey-175 finished tending to the Pokemon, the girls went to the town center and sat by an ornate fountain.

"What should we do next?" asked Agnes.

"I heard there's a Pokemon Gym in the city," said Jackie. "That gross chick with more back hair than Agnes who was showering next to me was talking about taking on the gym leader. She looked a couple of years older than us, though. Maybe we're not ready for it."

"Hey!" said Agnes. "I don't have back hair!"

"Have you ever seen your back?" asked Jackie, an eyebrow raised. "You're a gorilla, girl."

Agnes pulled an arm out of her t-shirt and strained to see her scapula from the reflection of the fountain. "That was cruel," said Kelly. "Her back's not as hairy as yours, for God's sake. You're basically a Yeti, only uglier."

Jackie shrieked and tried to inspect her own back in the reflection. Chuckling, Kelly jogged away from the fountain and toward the local store. She considered going in and picking up supplies, but she was distracted by bright lights nearby that were noticeable even with the harsh daylight. A dazzling, ornate building was just across the way. Kelly approached the sign outside and read: Viridian City Pokemon Gym.

"Hmm," said Kelly, and she walked up to the door just in time to be nearly run down by a painfully sobbing trainer who ran toward the Pokemon Center at breakneck speed, a battered and formless Ditto oozing out of her arms. "Well, then, I don't think my Charmander's in the mood to get his ass handed to him like that Ditto just did, but maybe I'll take a peek inside..."

As the heavy wooden door closed, Kelly slipped inside just in time for the door to slam shut. Instead was a large, flat arena surrounded by piles of rubble and a handful of boulders. Across the way, a hulking man in a black suit stood, hands in his pockets, his toothy grin clear from where Kelly was standing. Curiosity got the best of Kelly, and she slowly approached the man.

"You look awfully young to be challenging my gym," said the man. "Did you just start your journey from Pallet Town?"

Kelly flipped her hair. "I may be only eleven, but I am a powerful Pokemon Trainer in my own right!" she lied. "I saw what you did to that Ditto. Well, I saw the Ditto, and it looked like you ruined its day. So how does this work? Are we supposed to make our Pokemon fight each other?"

The man laughed. "You don't even know who I am! My name is Giovanni, and I am the most powerful Gym Leader in Kanto! I strongly recommend you turn back. You cannot defeat me until you hone your skills for at least another year."

"But I need badges so I can get the hell out of this country," whined Kelly. "What am I supposed to do? Some of my friends have already died on their journeys. Even though I want to be the most powerful Trainer ever, I don't think the way we do it is right."

Giovanni scoffed. "What could an eleven-year-old child hope to attain by challenging me when she probably only has a Charmander and a Weedle?" Kelly blushed. "This is a Ground-type gym. Your Pokemon can't even affect mine in battle!"

"That may be so, but there has to be another way to get your badge so I can move on with my life and leave this shithole country behind," said Kelly.

Giovanni laughed again. "Well, I like that you're not afraid to swear before your superior," said Giovanni. "Perhaps there are other ways you could prove your merit and earn the Earth Badge. What can a child like you do that would impress me to the level that is equivalent to beating me in battle?"

Kelly thought for a moment. "I challenge you to talk more spectacular trash about Professor Oak than me!" she said, now standing confidently. "You may have Level 500 Pokemon or whatever, but nobody talks better trash than I do!"

"You know every gym battle is a televised event, right?" said Giovanni, an eyebrow raised. He pointed to his right side, and Kelly looked to her left; a half-dozen paparazzi and a filming crew were intently monitoring and broadcasting the exchange. "You may have the social tact of a toddler, but I have a reputation in this country as the top-tier Gym Leader. However..." He paused; Kelly did not back down. "Perhaps we can hold this exchange. Yes. Yes, I think this is in order. We will go five rounds and allow the global audience to poll on who says the more affecting insult. Whoever is the first to three victories wins the match. If you can defeat me... your Pokemon will gain experience, and you will be conferred my Earth Badge!"

Kelly grinned. "Roll tape!" she said.

"And we are live in Viridian City Gym where new trainer Kelly Jones is facing Gym Leader Giovanni!" said an announcer, and the click of cameras filled the air with sounds like popcorn and flashes like a power surge. "Kelly Jones, 11, from Pallet Town has challenged Giovanni to a swear-off, and Giovanni has accepted her challenge! Today's battle: Who will talk the most fantastic trash about Professor Oak? Kelly, since you are the challenger, you may go first."

Giovanni and Kelly approached one another and shook hands. Kelly's eyes met Giovanni's. There was a deep wisdom behind his dark pupils; she thought she saw glimmers of respect for her cunning and bravery. "Good luck," she said to Giovanni.

"You are wishing me luck?" said Giovanni; his eyes widened. "I like the way you think, young one!"

"Anyways," said Kelly, and she faced the cameras. "Professor Oak is a vile, rancid sloth who smells like an unclean Mankey's ass even after he takes a shower!"

"And Giovanni with the rebuttal!" said the announcer.

Giovanni cleared his throat. "Professor Oak smells like an unclean Mankey ass because he licks them!"

"Woof," said Kelly, and Giovanni grinned fiercely.

After a minute of polling, the announcer resumed speaking. "The results are in! By a margin of 74-26, Kelly Jones takes round one, and Giovanni has the advantage for round two."

Giovanni scowled. "Drats!" he said.

"You don't have to censor yourself around me," said Kelly nonchalantly.

"Damn," said Giovanni, and Kelly flipped her hair. "Professor Oak is the least competent man in Kanto!"

"Oh, come on, aren't you going to even try?" asked Kelly. She thought of Agnes and felt emboldened confidence. "This is how it's done: Professor Oak is a used douche who drinks cheap beer for breakfast because his own hideous face depresses him!"

Another minute of polling passed, and Kelly was announced to have won this round by an 85-point margin. "Will Giovanni come back from behind? Giovanni, you have advantage this round. Please insult Professor Oak to the best of your ability."

Giovanni was now sweating and turning pale. "The only thing Professor Oak is professor of is spreading lice around the world as he balds!"

"Ouch!" said Kelly. "That's a good one! Hmm. The only corn Professor Oak has ever seen is the one on his face that he got by licking his toes."

"Holy crap, that's nasty!" said the announcer. "Let's take the polls."

Kelly inched a little closer to Giovanni. She noticed a tiny red pin on his blazer in the shape of a red letter 'R.' I think I know how to win this battle... she thought.

"Psst," she whispered. "You're really good at this! It's been a hell of a twenty-four hours. Since we're talking trash... Just yesterday, my friend Agnes beat up Team Rocket with just a Caterpie." Giovanni noticeably turned scarlet. "These two complete dullards from Team Rocket, Jessie and James, rocked up and tried to steal our Pokemon. Turns out they murder eleven and twelve-year-olds just to steal their baby Pokemon, but they still got their asses handed to them by a Caterpie. I was even considering joining Team Rocket, but if those are the kinds of losers that Team Rocket employs, I want nothing to do with them anymore!"

"And the results are in!" said the announcer. "By a narrow margin of 53 to 47, Kelly Jones has won round three and is the victor of the match! Congratulations, Kelly!"

The handful of paparazzi and reporters applauded, and Giovanni smirked. "Reluctantly, I confer upon you the Earth Badge," said Giovanni. "This Badge will allow you to train more powerful Pokemon. All of your team members will gain five levels." Kelly felt something warm glow in her pocket; she sensed her Weedle's evolution to a Kakuna. "Kelly! Your journey has only just begun. Between you and me, once you're a little older, I strongly urge you to consider Team Rocket. Most members of Team Rocket seek to dismantle the system of child and Pokemon oppression that you are facing. If this is something that appeals to you..."

"Maybe someday we'll have a rematch and talk trash about Jessie and James, those colossal bozos," said Kelly proudly as she accepted the badge from Giovanni's hand and pinned it to her T-shirt.

The door to the gym burst open. "Kelly!" shrieked a voice. Kelly and Giovanni looked to the door. Agnes and Jackie were standing beneath the threshold, looking livid. "Kelly, you can't beat this Gym Leader yet! His Pokemon are ten times as powerful as yours--wait--are you wearing the Earth Badge?!" yelled Jackie.

"Yes I am!" said Kelly, smiling. "Giovanni, that's my friend Jackie. She's the one who taught me how to swear so magnificently. To her left is Agnes, the girl who beat the crap out of Team Rocket with just a Caterpie. She's the hottest up-and-coming Pokemon Trainer!"

Giovanni chuckled. "Alright, alright! Agnes, come here. I have something for you."

Agnes approached Giovanni and Kelly. "Holy crap, you really do have the Earth Badge!" she said.

Kelly flipped her hair. "And, for the record, your back is not hairy," said Kelly.

"Agnes Mildred Smith, I have heard legends of your defeat of Team Rocket with just your Caterpie," said Giovanni. "As a result of your outstanding leadership under the pressure of danger and saving your friends' lives, I, a Gym Leader, and now aware of the nefarious deeds of certain individuals I did not know were violent criminals. I will be able to act appropriately. For your bravery, I confer this Earth Badge upon you. Your Pokemon will not grow right away like Kelly's just did, but you will be able to control more powerful ones. Rather, in a moment of crisis, you must activate this Badge to power your Pokemon in a pinch."

"WOWEE ZOWEE!" screeched Agnes, and she accepted the badge. Agnes and Kelly bounced in a circle and sang, "We won the Earth Badge, we are AMAZING!"

Giovanni cleared his throat once more. "Jackie North!" he called out. Jackie, who was scowling under the threshold, approached Giovanni eagerly. "Your smack-talking skills are legendary if you have trained Kelly to read Professor Oak like an old, sad, worn-out book," he said. "As you have jealously overheard me describe the benefits of the Earth Badge to your friend Agnes, you shall receive the same privileges. Here is an Earth Badge for you."

"Holy mackerel," said Jackie, and she eagerly snatched the badge from Giovanni's hand. "I'm one step closer to getting the hell out of Kanto forever!"

"We all are!" exclaimed Agnes.

Giovanni clapped his hands. "Now, now, girls, make sure you stop by the Pidgey Kitchen on your way out of town for a free dinner on me. Tell them Giovanni sent you. And remember what you have learned today. Insulting your elders is only worth it if you do it so well, the whole world laughs at their expense! And Kelly... that offer still stands."

"Got it," said Kelly, grinning. As they locked arms and frolicked out of the gym, Kelly glanced at her Pokedex and saw she had two new text messages. One was from her mother, filled with crying emojis and reading, I raised you better than that, you potty mouth! I'm so proud of you! I'm so confused. The other was from Professor Oak, which read: I remember everything now.

[Mr.E]

I asked to be 13 but I came up 31.

[Magmar]

I'm procrastinating writing a paper.

Chapter 5: Team Skull's Love Shack

Agnes, Kelly and Jackie skipped around the center plaza in Viridian City, thoroughly aggravating passersby as they sang a made-up ditty about their victory over Giovanni and earning Earth Badges. "We're leaving this hellhole!" exclaimed Agnes, and a scowling mother covered her young son's ears. "We only need five more badges and we'll never have to see your stink-face again!" she shouted after the woman.

The woman flipped Agnes off, and Agnes roared and whipped a Poke Ball out of her purse. "Eat crow, harpy!" she cried as she threw the ball at the woman. "Pat Benatar, I choose you!"

"Eeeeeat meeeee!" cried Pat Benatar. The Butterfree glanced around and saw no other Pokemon to fight.

"Girl, what is your malfunction!" yelled the woman. "I'm not going to battle you!"

"I'm going to battle you, though! Not your Pokemon!" yelled Agnes, and Jackie and Kelly stared at each other in horror. "Pat Benatar! Use Stun Spore and knock this bitch out!"

The Butterfree's eyes glowed red as she spread paralyzing powder overhead, and the woman and toddler fell to the ground, not moving.

Jackie threw down her backpack. "Are you effing mental, Agnes?" she yelled. "Now we're definitely going to get arrested!"

Agnes shrugged. "Serves her right for talking trash about perfection," she said.

Kelly nodded. "Seriously, to hell with that vulture," she said, and she high-fived Agnes.

"You two are freaking sinister," growled Jackie. "We have to go north anyway. The closest gym is in Pewter City and if we run like the cops are chasing us, which I'm pretty sure they are going to do any moment now, we can probably make it there by nightfall."

"I don't feel like running, though. I've just gotten cramps," muttered Agnes.

"Stretch, then, you idiot!" yelled Jackie.

"Not those kinds of cramps, you immature heifer," growled Agnes. "You wouldn't get it."

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Who are you calling heifer, you complete COW!" she shrieked. "You are so lucky that I don't END you in a Pokemon battle right now. Can we please get the hell out of here?"

Agnes shrugged. "Suit yourself," she said, and she recalled Pat Benatar into her Poke Ball. "Let's blow this pop stand."

Jackie and Agnes turned to the path and saw that Kelly had already run nearly half a kilometer toward the forest. "If we don't catch up, she'll catch all the good Pokemon," grumbled Jackie. "Pop a Midol and get a move on."

"Oh!" cackled Agnes, raising a hand and covering her mouth as she laughed shrilly. "I'm surprised you know what Midol is!"

"MY MOTHER'S A NURSE, YOU DUMBASS!" yelled Jackie an inch from Agnes's face, and she began jogging after Kelly. "It's not my problem if you get arrested, since you're the idiot who assaulted that infant," she shouted as Agnes snatched up her belongings and tried to jog after Jackie.

It took about ten minutes for Jackie and Agnes to catch up to Kelly. Kelly was resting on a log stump at the outskirts of the Viridian Forest and holding several Poke Balls in her hands. "It's about time you caught up," said Kelly. "While you two were being divas in the Viridian Plaza, I caught two new Pokemon. Don't you wish you were as cool and awesome as I am?" she added nonchalantly.

"I hate you," said Jackie. "So, what'd you get?"

Kelly casually dropped two Poke Balls to the ground. They opened to reveal a Spearow and spiny Nidoran. "These critters!" said Kelly. "I've decided to call the Spearow Despair and the Nidoran Ennui, since I'm so depressed that I have to travel with you two banshees until someone kills us and probably eats us."

"Emo bitch," said Agnes.

"Look who's talking, Menstruella," said Kelly, mocking Agnes. "And on that note, can we talk about literally anything else?"

"Whoa," said Jackie. "Shut up, harpies. I hear something in the bush behind Kelly!"

Kelly jumped up and recalled her Pokemon, and she moved over next to Agnes. The three watched as a little green bush rustled as if the wind were blowing through just its branches. After what felt like a little too long, a tiny blue rabbit emerged from the shrubbery. She looked up at the three girls, her nose twitching as she sniffed the air.

"That's the girl version of Nidoran," whispered Kelly. "If I get that, she can make babies with my Nidoran and we can sell the eggs and claim they're something a lot more valuable!"

Agnes cackled. "That's rich! Then we can buy our way to Hoenn!" she said. "Only I want some of the profits since if it wasn't for my being in agony, we never would have stopped here and found her."

"And I want some of the profits because I discovered the source of the noise," said Jackie.

"Nope, it's mine!" said Kelly, and she reached into her bag. "Go, my Poke Ball!"

Only instead of Kelly's Poke Ball, three Poke Balls flew through the air and hit the Nidoran at the same time. The little rabbit let out a horrific shriek as all three balls sucked in some of her energy, and the balls offered no resistance as they fell to the turf below.

Wide-eyed, the three girls looked at each other, then the pile of balls, and then each other once again. "Holy shit," whispered Agnes.

"This is new," said Jackie. "Maybe we have... three Nidorans?"

"Or we each have a third of a dead Nidoran?" said Kelly; she wasn't buying it.

Agnes rolled her eyes. "Screw that! She's probably bleeding all over that Poke Ball and wasting my money because I can't get a refund on the ball once it's been activated." She reached over and picked up one of the balls. "Do you think if this is the wrong one, her leg will recognize her true trainer?"

"Only one way to find out," said Jackie, and she picked up another ball. "Nidoran leg, I choose you!"

"Go, Nidoran guts!" cried Agnes.

Kelly wanted to turn away from the horror, but she was also a bit curious. Nidoran's back legs emerged out of Agnes's Poke Ball, and her head, torso and front arms emerged out of Jackie's.

"Kill me," groaned the Nidoran as it began bleeding onto the grass.

"Maybe we can get a few experience points out of this? I still have a Caterpie to evolve," said Jackie.

"No, we should try to have her healed," said Agnes.

Jackie and Agnes recalled their bits 'o' Nidoran. "We can't go back to Viridian City, though," said Kelly. "Because some idiot among us had to attack an infant with her Butterfree who, for the record, doesn't look at all like Pat Benatar."

"SHE IS BEAUTIFUL LIKE ME AND PAT BENATAR!" shrieked Agnes.

"Shut the hell up, you friggin vulture!" yelled Jackie. "Didn't you say you think you know a place?"

Agnes flipped her hair. "I did, but I've changed my mind," she said, folding her arms and accidentally dropping the Poke Ball containing the Nidoran legs. "Oh, God damn it," she grumbled.

"I think she's referring to that building over there," said Kelly, pointing behind Jackie and Agnes. A shabby shack lay just in sight, past an overgrown trail. There was a moldy wooden sign at the edge of the trail that read, 'Team Skull Love Shack.'

"That doesn't sound sketchy at all," said Jackie. "Let's go!"

Kelly picked up the ball that contained her piece of Nidoran and, not wanting to know what lay inside, followed Agnes and Jackie up the winding path. As they approached the rickety shack, they could hear loud music blaring from within. "Not it on knocking on that door," said Agnes.

"Definitely not it," said Kelly.

"Fine! Ugh, I'll do it, since you're chicken-shit," said Jackie. She walked up to the moldy door and slammed her fist against it several times, causing the wind to splinter slightly.

After a brief moment, the door opened. A guy who looked about nineteen emerged and closed the door behind him. He was wearing baggy black pants and a tank top.

"Whoa, hello 1998, your year called, its idiot is missing," said Jackie casually. "Hey uh... we kind of need help, Juggalo bro."

"Yo, yo, who are you calling Juggalo? I'm Team Skull and I ain't your bro," said the guy, waving his arms up and down, left and right as he bopped to his own rhyme. "I think you just insulted the man, and just for that I'll hit you with a pan."

"No you won't," said Jackie, and she went to kick him in the groin, but he jumped to the side just in time, and Jackie's leg went straight through the decrepit door. "OW! YOU BROKE MY WONDERFUL LEG!" cried Jackie.

"That's what you get for messing with me, don't you know I'm a real thug, G," rapped the young guy. "You broke your own leg, you wench. I can't think of a rhyme, so uh, Judi Dench."

Jackie managed to roll her eyes between winces. "Look boy, I'm in AGONY, can you fix a broken leg!" she screamed.

"I ain't a doctor but I'm pretty dope. It doesn't take an MD to know your leg ain't broke," said the guy. "My name's J-Dubz and I'm phat as hell. Shake it off and you'll feel well."

Jackie stopped thrashing for a moment and tried to stand. "Whoa," she said as she steadied on her legs. She shook her sore leg; there were just a few splinters in her shin. "Speaking of broken legs, though, we... made a boo-boo."

J-Dubz scratched his head. "What kind of boo-boo did you do-do? If it's a Pokemon-mon, I can make it good as new-new."

"He said doo-doo," Kelly whispered to Agnes, and she giggled.

Jackie shrugged. "Um, we kind of made a huge mistake," she said. "In fact, you're going to think that we are the biggest assholes in the world. We probably are, igiven the colossal screw-up that we managed to pull off."

"We kind of really wrecked a Nidoran's day," said Kelly. "I'll show you."

Kelly tossed her Poke Ball to J-Dubz. It opened up to reveal a small pile of Nidoran toenail clippings. "Yo, yo, yo yo yo, yo yo yo, that ain't so bad, yo yo yo, yo, yo," said J-Dubz.

"Well, at least I'm not a murderer, unlike these two stupid asses," said Kelly. "Care to demonstrate, bitches?"

"You might not want to look," said Agnes. "Like... you see... Nidoran is alive, but she's kind of... an amputee, if you know what I mean..."

"I'm sure I've seen worse, ridin' dirty in mah hearse," rapped J-Dubz.

"I kind of hate him," said Kelly.

"Me too!" said Jackie. "But regardless, he's the only chance we've got at saving this Nidoran and making our millions from her eggs. So uh, can you fix this?"

Jackie tossed her Poke Ball in the air and the top half of Nidoran appeared. Her color had faded to a sickly shade of pale and she writhed slowly on the mossy ground.

"Dude I don't mean to be a dick, but you girls are freaking sick!" said J-Dubz.

"Here's the rest of her," said Agnes, and she tossed her Poke Ball at the front half of the Nidoran, and her legs appeared in a heap behind the sobbing critter.

J-Dubz vomited onto the moss, splashing Jackie's shoes; she kicked the vomit in his general direction. "Yo, I have an idea, and it's pretty dope. If you give me a second. Don't give up hope." He winced as he approached the writhing Nidoran that was begging for merciful euthanasia. His eyes squinted shut, he pressed the two halves together with a revolting squish sound, then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of ordinary Potion-Lotion. His hands shook as he opened it and dumped it on the Nidoran. In a flash of light, her body became intact, the blood from the grass drawn back into her body, and with one unexpected pop and a flurry of toenails from Kelly's area, Nidoran was good as new.

The first thing that Nidoran tried to do was run far away from the girls, but Jackie was too quick, and she recalled the entire Nidoran into her Poke Ball. "This one's mine, girls, since I knocked on the door," said Jackie, flipping a hand through her very tall hair. "Thanks for the help, J-Dubz. I think I misjudged you based on your appearance and bad rhymes. They're really awful!"

"J-Dubz would care, but I just lost my lunch. You girls are a menace to society, call that a hunch," said J-Dubz, and he wasted no time dashing back into the shack and slamming the remnants of the door behind him.

Jackie sighed. "It's going to take a miracle for this Nidoran to ever trust me," she said. "But I've decided to name her Joy Division. Joy, because if I was a Joy like my sisters and mother, I wouldn't be here right now, and Division, because she was divided in three for a while. Also because Joy Division is arguably much better than Pat Benatar."

"I would fight you right now, but I think I'm in love," sighed Agnes. "Did you see his arms?"

"Yeah, they were arms," said Jackie. "No time for hormones; let's try to survive before we start falling in love and whatever."

"They were his arms," said Agnes whimsically.

Kelly laughed. "And those arms came with his head and his head came with those really stupid rhymes," she said. "We should probably get into the forest before nightfall. Nothing says party time quite like hiding in a dense forest in the middle of the night while the cops chase us down for assaulting an infant."

"Girl," said Jackie. "No time for realness right now."

The three could hear sirens in the distance. "That's realness," said Agnes. "Farewell, Mr. Shoulders!" she cried at the house as the three trudged away from the shack and into the woods.

[Magmar]

77 hours until my final paper is due but who's counting?

Chapter 6: Pink Friday vs. Nicki Minaj

Jackie, Kelly and Agnes did not really know where they were going; all they knew was that the setting sun was to their left, so they were probably heading north. None of them had particularly cared about geography lessons, and once they were satisfied that they were out of scouting distance from the police, the three girls lamented that fact with loud screeching and much kicking of trees, logs, sand, and Jackie's Caterpie.

"EVOLVE, WORMWOOD!" shrieked Jackie as she picked up the Caterpie and threw it at Agnes, who was trying to pee behind a tree; Agnes shrieked and swatted at the air, sending poor Wormwood into the woods. "Ugh! Return, Wormwood," grumbled Jackie.

"You know what's crazy?" said Kelly; she was clipping her toenails in plain sight. "Twelve hours ago, we were still in Pallet Town."

Jackie spat at the ground. "Screw that place, man," she said. "They literally left us to die. I'm not in the mood to miss home."

"I MISS HOME!" wailed Agnes from behind the tree. "I wish we could just go home and sleep in our beds, and talk shit about Professor Oak like the good old days."

"Nobody's saying we can't talk some shit about Professor Oak, but I'm kind of out of insults after the Viridian Gym," said Kelly. "Speaking of, I wonder if anyone else has ever gotten a gym badge on their first day?"

Jackie shrugged as Kelly sought out a good bush to pee behind. "No idea, but girl, we better get another one tomorrow. I want six badges in six days and to spend the rest of my life on a fabulous beach in Alola starting on day seven."

"And I want to wander the streets of Hoenn so wild and free like a Ponyta," sighed Agnes dreamily.

"And I don't care where I go as long as those Team Rocket morons aren't anywhere to be seen," grumbled Kelly. "I can't believe that happened earlier this afternoon. What a long day!"

"I'm hungry," whined Agnes.

"Eat Kelly's toenails, then," said Jackie nonchalantly.

Agnes threw a Poke Ball at Jackie's face; it landed point blank on her cheek, and Sweetie Bird popped out, flapping her wings and looking very confused as she shed feathers and poo all over Jackie.

"Oh my Christ!" yelled Jackie. "Don't tell me you didn't let Sweetie Bird out to poop earlier? Did you even FEED your Pokemon?" shrieked Jackie as she punched the air.

Agnes sighed. "I didn't know they could poop in their Poke Balls! I skipped that class to get stoned with you!" she said bitterly. "Stop assuming that I'm just trying to ruin your day."

"YOU LITERALLY THREW A BIRD AT MY FACE!" yelled Jackie.

"AND YOU THREW A WORM AT ME WHILE I PEED!" shrieked Agnes.

"AND YOU'RE FAT!" yelled Jackie.

Agnes flipped her short hair. "Oh, you did not just go there, you stupid, skinny harlot! I will smack you down!"

"Oh yes I did!" roared Jackie. "And you can take Pat Benatar and shove her up your ass, you dumb hoe, since you love Pat Benatar so much."

"Pat Benatar is leagues better than Joy Division!" insisted Agnes.

Jackie scoffed. "And Smash Mouth is leagues ahead of Pat Benatar," she scowled.

"You must be joking," said Agnes. "Smash Mouth is a crime against music and humanity."

Jackie shrugged. "Nah, I named my Rattata Smash Mouth, because I smashed him in the mouth with my foot before capturing him."

"So," said Kelly loudly as she emerged from behind the bush. "Wanna meet my new friend Scyther?"

"I HATE YOU!" screeched Jackie and Agnes together.

Kelly shrugged. "I already knew that. Try harder, harpies," she said. "Anyway, this is my new friend, Scyther Will Kill You, or Swicky for short," she added, holding a Poke Ball in her hands. "My Charmander pretty much wrecked his day, so if you want Wormwood to level up, now's your chance."

The Scyther emerged from the Poke Ball. Swicky was covered in bruises, and his eyes were swollen shut. "Scy," it muttered weakly.

Forgetting the argument, Jackie sent Wormwood after Swicky, and with the gentlest of nuzzles from the little worm, the giant mantis fell to the ground, fully defeated. In a flash of blinding light, Wormwood transformed into a Metapod. "Brilliant," said Jackie. "See, Agnes? This is what FRIENDS do for FRIENDS, unlike you, my worst FIEND!"

Agnes flipped her off and took a bite of an energy bar. "I hope Team Rocket kills you tonight," said Agnes casually, blowing a kiss at Jackie off her middle finger. "I call dibs on your mountain of useless Pokemon."

"Jesus wept," muttered Kelly as she prepared for yet another explosive fight. She walked off a few meters away as Agnes and Jackie screeched at one another. Finding a fresh tree stump in the dense forest, she sat down and called out her five Pokemon. Kelly reflected for a moment as four of the little critters stared obediently at her (Swicky was, for all intents and purposes, a fresh corpse on the turf below). Pokemon raising didn't seem like rocket science, but her friends were having so many emotional problems... and she was the youngest of the three by far. But this was Jackie and Agnes' birthday, and what did they get for their special day? Thrown out of the house, sent to wander the woods with minimal survival gear, and chock full of angst. For a moment, Kelly dreaded her own birthday; she didn't want to end up like them. But, she figured, they'd probably be dead soon anyway, and she'd have all the Nidoran eggs to herself to sell, make lots of cash, buy badges, and get out of town even faster.

She casually broke apart a Silph-Bar and tossed the pieces of the nutritious victuals to her Pokemon. As Despair and Ennui bickered over a piece of Silph-Bar that had landed on Swicky's fresh corpse, she realized that she had never named her Kakuna or her Charmander. "Hmm, she said aloud. "I think this Kakuna could be named... uh... Pink Friday! I like that album."

The sound of rustling brush interrupted Kelly's thought-stream. She looked around in all directions and saw no sign of life; even her Pokemon seemed unfazed. Shrugging, she dumped some Potion-Lotion on Swicky, and the Scyther slowly stirred. Shrugging, she recalled all of her Pokemon except for her yet-to-be-named Charmander.

She heard rustling yet again. "Jesus Christ!" said Kelly. "What IS that noise?"

"Char?" replied the Charmander. He smiled at Kelly. "Char char!"

"Oh, so your name is going to be Jesus Christ, then. Okay!" said Kelly. "Did you make that noise?"

Jesus Christ shrugged. "Chaaaaar," said Jesus Christ as he lifted up his hind leg and peed on a log close by.

Kelly just saw out of the corner of her eyes the flutter of what looked like hair on a thick frame passing through the dimly-lit woods before her. "Whoa! Agnes, is that you, heffa?" said Kelly.

Jesus Christ jumped on Kelly's lap. "Char!" he said, alarmed, and his tail swung around and set Kelly's pigtail on fire.

"OH CHRIST!" she screeched as she rolled in the dirt to put the fire out. The little holy Charmander hung his head in shame as Kelly lay on the ground in a thick fog of the stench of burning hair. "I hate you Jesus," she whined, sniffing.

She blew her nose quickly, barely able to breathe from the stink of hair, and when she opened her eyes, she was face to the most hideous thing she had ever seen. What appeared to be a faceless pair of lips and eyes hung an inch from her own face, a long mane of blonde hair attached to what may have been nowhere, and she was, for all intents and purposes, dressed like an operatic viking.

Kelly blinked three times before she jumped up and ran like a Zubat out of the City of Dis to her friends Agnes and Jackie, who were still swearing at each other most magnificently. "HOLY HELL YOU GUYS!" yelled Kelly. "It... she... thing... whore... There's a whore in the woods!"

"What," said Jackie, both of her eyebrows raised. "What fresh hell is this hairdo, Kelly? And why do you look like you just... oh wait... I see. Charmander."

"Yeah, Jesus Christ set me on fire. What a dick," whined Kelly as she recalled her Charmander. "Now I have to get all my hair cut off tomorrow. No wonder all the Charmander trainers look like lesbians!"

"Umm, what's wrong with looking like a lesbian?" growled Jackie.

Kelly shrugged. "Literally nothing unless Jesus Christ turns you into a lesbian," she muttered.

"THERE'S A LITERAL WHORE FLOATING BEHIND YOU!" screeched Agnes, and Kelly and Jackie stopped bickering. Kelly's back was to whatever was floating behind her, but Jackie's eyes widened in fear.

Jackie swallowed audibly. "Um, Kelly, don't move," she whispered. "There's a whore in the air, she's floating right above Jesus right now..."

"Never thought I'd hear that sentence spoken aloud," whispered Agnes. "Why is there a whore in the sky?"

"Maybe it's a Pokemon," whispered Jackie. She reached into her vest pocket and took out her Pokedex. "Okay, what the hell is that?" she asked the device.

The Pokedex clicked on. "Jynx, an Ice Pokemon," said the widget. "Her favorite thing to do is knock people unconscious and slap them."

"I NEED IT!" yelled Jackie and Agnes together.

"You would," grumbled Kelly through gritted teeth.

Jackie shook her Pokedex. "Alright, Einstein, what's Jynx weak against?"

"Jynx is weak against Fire and Bug-types," chirped the little device.

Kelly had enough and jumped a few feet forward, bumping into Jackie and turning around. Sure enough, there floated the Jynx, its hair flying around in the invisible wind. "I don't know if I want this creepy thing!" said Kelly. "But, alright, let's try to fight her so she leaves us alone! Go Pink Friday, Jesus Christ, Swicky!"

"Pat Benatar!" sang Agnes as she threw a Poke Ball in the air.

"Wormwood!" yelled Jackie.

The five Pokemon appeared at once and, together, jumped onto the Jynx. Their combined weight was too much for the floating creature, and she crumpled to the ground beneath them.

"Dibs since she was stalking me," said Kelly, and she threw a Poke Ball at the pile of dress and hair; the Jynx was drawn into the ball.

"Hey!" complained Agnes. "You didn't give us a chance!"

"She's all of our Jynx if she stays in her ball," said Kelly as the little sphere wiggled back and forth. The three girls and five Pokemon watched with baited breath as the ball squirmed before falling silent. "EUREKA!" shouted Kelly. "NEW FWEND!"

"Wow, between us, we caught something like a dozen Pokemon today," said Jackie. "I guess we're not as bad at this Pokemon thing as I thought."

Kelly picked up the cold little ball. "Well, at least with this Jynx on our side, we have a chance at survival anyway. She seemed pretty meaty. We could always eat her."

"True. I'm starving," said Jackie. "You got any recipes for Jynx?"

"Not yet," said Kelly.

"I'm sure if we make it to the morning, we can eat free breakfast in Pewter City," said Agnes. "Maybe we can ride Jynx like a horse all the way there?"

"I would love to watch you try," said Jackie, and they laughed. "So um, who knows how to set up a tent? I think I skipped that class to get stoned."

"We all did," sighed Kelly. "Maybe Jynx can build one? She's got opposable thumbs and no life. Just like us!"