Gym Leader's Vow

[Everoy]

(I'm new at fanfics, so don't kill me if this is bad.)

Chapter 1-Pallet Parting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in Pallet Town, a young boy named Chris woke up. He rushed out the door straight to Proffesor Oak's lab, already dressed. He had just turned 10 yesterday. He finally could get his pokemon. "Chris! You're six hours early! It's only 4:00 in the morning!" Prof. Oak said groggily. "Please can I have my pokemon now?" Chris said, full of energy and hopping up and down. "Fine, fine." Prof. Oak said. They walked into a small room. "Choose." Prof. Oak said. Chris spotted a pokeball on the ground. He pucked it up. "Wait!" Oak yelled. Chris let the pokemon out. it was a Wynaut! "Cool! I didn't know that they were real!" Chris yelled. The Wynaut opened it mouth. "Wynaut!" it said. "The Wynaut said 'We're real!'" Professor Oak translated.
"How did you know what he was saying?" Chris said, suprised. "The new Pokedex has translations. Here's one!" Oak said, giving Chris a pokedex. "Well, you should get going now! Bye!" He added. "Bye!" Chris replied.

Please tell me what you think! *hopes people like it*

[Zenith Magus]

I would suggest that you heavily revamp this story, as it
has officially become a cliche trainer fic. Even if you do
revamp it, it will ultimately be ignored by the seething
masses of readers who will view your fic and ignore it,
but view fics like " Lisa The Legend " and " Electric
Buggy To Victory " and reply to those. So, don't bother
trying for reviews... As other writers will get them,
leaving newbs like me forgotten and trampled in the
dust.

Not that I mean to offend any of those fine writers
and their excellent fics, of course. Nor do I intend
to offend their fics or the aforementioned masses
of wise readers... Nor do I intend to evoke feelings
of pity. Ah well, zat's life...

[Everoy]

Originally posted by Zenith Magus
Not that I mean to offend any of those fine writers
and their excellent fics, of course. Nor do I intend
to offend their fics or the aforementioned masses
of wise readers...
So, in other words you mean to offend me. I was just trying to make a fic for the first time. In my whole entire life.

[Zenith Magus]

I did not mean to offend you.

[Rambunctious Jamirus]

ZM wasn't offending you, PP. It's just that the fic is a cliche, a rather overused one.

Suggestions: Try to make it longer as one of the rules was to have all postings at least a page in MS Word.
ALWAYS start a new paragraph when someone is talking. Instead of:
'"Please can I have my pokemon now?" Chris said, full of energy and hopping up and down. "Fine, fine." Prof. Oak said.'
Do:
'"Please can I have my pokemon now?" Chris said, full of energy and hopping up and down.
"Fine, fine." Prof. Oak said.'
Also, think of other words then 'said' for it's a boring word. Replied, pointed out, asked, questioned, noted, interrupted, shot out, etc.
Try to describe things. What colour are the houses? Where does he live? What is he wearing? What time is this set? What is around him? Yeah, we know he's in Pallet Town but what does it look like? etc.
Try to not rush. I have that problem but the whole story is smashed together so that's it can told in one single sentence. Expand. Describe what the lab looks like, how many machines it has, whatever.
If you can, spell numbers out. It's pretty easy but do numbers up to one hundred.
Use more words in the beginnings of your sentences. Instead of 'He' and 'Chris' and that other stuff, use verbs and whatever that other stuff is. As in:
'After waiting for so long, he could finally get his Pokemon.'
Your sentences are all short, no long ones. That throws you off and makes it...dull. Throw in long ones, combine two short sentences together, whatever. For every three short sentences or less, do a long one.

Anyone can add to that list.

Now, we know it's your first fic. But, try to invision things. What is Chris seeing at the moment? Be more specific a bit. Also, if you want this fic to stay up here and not slip to the back like so many have, make it interesting for people. The vets have seen so many anime-following fics that they're a bit tired of them. Plot Twists, anything to get the attention of one of the best writers.

The story is okay, too cliched for many of us. Length and plot twists are probably one way to improve it fr more ppl to come.

[Everoy]

originally posted by Rambunctious Jamirus
The story is okay, too cliched for many of us. Length and plot twists are probably one way to improve it fr more ppl to come. [/B]

Okay, I just want to know what you mean by it being a cliche fic.

[The_Missing_Link]

She means that it's starting out like every other trainer fic. Getting up, getting dressed, going to the Professor's house and getting a Pokemon and then leaving the town to battle the gym leaders and such. You have to really try to stay away from that

Try reading some of the other fics, like "Electric Buggy to Victory". That's a trainer fic, but it has very interesting plots and twists, keeping the reader enthralled in the fic. Their chapters are a heck of a lot longer also, maybe 3000 + words a chapter. Length and description is also a key to writing a good fic. Finally, like RJ said, always start a new paragraph when someone's talking. It's a heck of a lot easier to read

[Everoy]

Originally posted by Parsec's Politoed
Okay, I just want to know what you mean by it being a cliche fic.

Okay! I guess I'll have to start all over again...

[Heavenly Sage HLSOE]

Perhaps not a revamp seeing you only have 1 incy-bincy chapter. A good edit will do. Do it only microsoft word, thesaurus shortcut is shift + f7.

Good day.

[Gavin Luper]

G'day!

You know, since it's your first ever attempt at a fic, you shouldn't feel bad at all. In fact, I would be proud of myself for writing that! When I wrote my first fic it was horribly cliche and boring, but with a little advice, my writing improved a lot in the space of a month.

I think if you can write that, you can improve it. The best place to start improving your work is by reading a lot of other stories, especially trainer fics. You'll get a lot of ideas from fics such as Electric Buggy to Victory, and a few other good trainers.

Also, don't worry at all about length at this stage. Anyone would rather read 100 words of good writing than 3000 of drivel. So start small. When you try writing again, aim for just a few hundred words. But try to explain and describe everything. You are the writer, so you can see in your head what's going on, but other people (the readers) have no idea, so tell them. Explain the scene. Is it sunny, rainy, windy? Is it hot or cold? What do the streets of Pallet Town look like? How is Chris feeling?

Try to answer those questions as you type. If you're dedicated enough, then you could really become a good writer!

Seeya!

[Everoy]

I've started re-doing it on Microsoft Word. It will start the same, but the rest will just be amazing. If you would like, I can PM you what I have so far.

[Gavin Luper]

Sure, go ahead and PM me!