League of Legends

[Zcade0]

Ok before I start here is a warning: These chapters wil be far between as I am writing this as I am posting and this is my first try at a fanfic.
I tried writing this in school once and I got severe writing block so this will take a while. anyway here we go:



League of Legends
By: Zcade0
(rated pg-13 for breif language and violence)

Prelude thing

"Where should I move next they are close to finding me" Giovoni said in secret training bace deep within the Amason Jungle

"Maybe you could come with us" said a suprising voice behind him.
"What!" Giovoni said truning around in his chair,"damn they found me!!"

"Were just here to tell you a little buisness propostion..." Said the intruder with the blue suit and bandana
"Yes," said the other one he had a red buisness suit,"and it would be in your best interest to cooperate"
"And if I don't?" Giovoni replied
"We'll blow this entire complex up" said the blue clad one calmly.
Knowing that these two never bluff giovoni reluctently agreed.
"Good", said the one of magma, "We need your help"
"We need you to help us capture the legendaries" added the one of Aqua.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"What!!!" shouted a young Treecko lying under the window of Giovoni's office as he jumped up to his feet."There gona capture the legendaries! I gota warn them!"

End of Prelude thing

I hope I have dropped enough hints about the charactures in the evil alience. Well, untill I get another chapter up...

Zcade0

[Zcade0]

Um this must not be very good then sorry. Maybe someone will like the next chappter when I get it done.

[Darien Shields]

Ah, something short. Quite to my tastes. Observe, youngling, as I disect your work and break it down piece by piece! This is Flame Eyed Darien Shields Technique! ^_~



Ok before I start here is a warning: These chapters wil be far between as I am writing this as I am posting and this is my first try at a fanfic.
I tried writing this in school once and I got severe writing block so this will take a while. anyway here we go:



League of Legends
By: Zcade0
(rated pg-13 for breif language and violence)
Spend less time on fancy title stuff, and more time writing. Just a minor note.


Prelude thing
It's called a Prologue

"Where should I move next they are close to finding me" Giovoni said in secret training bace deep within the Amason Jungle
Basic spelling tip, it's Amazon, not Amason. Base, not bace.
And I think the speach should run more like "Where should I move next?! They are close to finding me..." See, the punctuation represents the way it's said... "Where should I move next" is one sentence, "They are close to finding me" is another. "said in secret training base..." is a bit sloppy too, you might want to say, "sitting in his secret training base..."


"Maybe you could come with us" said a suprising voice behind him.
"What!" Giovoni said truning around in his chair,"damn they found me!!"
Probably want a question mark after "us", and also you typoed turning and wrote truning. Also, put a space between the comma and the speach mark after chair, so it reads 'chair, "Damn...'.


"Were just here to tell you a little buisness propostion..." Said the intruder with the blue suit and bandana
We're not were, business not buisness, proposition, not propostion. Might want to say "wearing the blue suit..." or "in the blue suit..."


"Yes," said the other one he had a red buisness suit,"and it would be in your best interest to cooperate"
"And if I don't?" Giovoni replied
"We'll blow this entire complex up" said the blue clad one calmly.
Knowing that these two never bluff giovoni reluctently agreed.
"Good", said the one of magma, "We need your help"
"the one magma" sounds a bit awkward. "the member of magma" might read better. Also, you have a lot of "said"s in here, it's good to have a mix, like "stated", "exclaimed", "suggested", etc. etc.


"We need you to help us capture the legendaries" added the one of Aqua.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"What!!!" shouted a young Treecko lying under the window of Giovoni's office as he jumped up to his feet."There gona capture the legendaries! I gota warn them!"

Generally they're spelled "gonna" and "gotta" not 'gona' and 'gota'.


End of Prelude thing

I hope I have dropped enough hints about the charactures in the evil alience. Well, untill I get another chapter up...

Zcade0

Oh, and it's alliance.

Well, keep writing. Don't let my criticism dissuade you, everyone makes a lot of mistakes, many of them typoes, and especially when they start out. As you keep writing and reading (it's important to read too, so that you can study the styles of others and incorporate them into your own work) you'll improve.

[Zcade0]

Sorry, I can't spell to save my life. and the perlude thing was just a joke. I'll try better next time I am 2 busy to do it I gotta go 2 work in a bit