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LilyPichu
17th July 2005, 10:01 PM
Idols










Youth – ages 0 to 7









1. Of What Began





-

Zack.

He used to love birds, on how they soared cleanly through the sky. With arms outstretched, he marveled at the fact that the wind itself could never be seen, but felt. It was majestic, powerful, beautiful, with freedom’s creatures doing loop-de-loops in the air.

Their wings would never waver, although dipping down occasionally to anew their posture, eyes so determined and fierce; sometimes, it scared the little boy.

Father was a pilot. Perhaps this was the main reason Zack held great admiration. To him, his father was invincible. He could control one of those ‘airplanes,’ flying alongside with the birds, as if he was a part of them. It was truly miraculous.

But then again, he had decided, miracles did not last very long.

“I was fired.”

Still, the gruff voice was imprinted in his mind as soon as he picked up the words.

Fire meant light, a flickering orange substance he had fun creating shadows with. To what extent did this term ‘fire’ mean?

“It’s okay,” Mother had spoken gently, rhythmically patting him on the back. “You’ll find another job. They’re not hard to obtain these days.” Despite her kindness, even Zack could tell the evident sign of hesitation lingering in her voice, or more importantly, fear. It controlled her movements, mangling it into an irregular beat.

“Besides,” she whispered softly, ever so discreetly, “...he’s alive.”

The words made Zack’s head spin. Were they talking about him? The way she said it, the coolness brushing alongside her voice, it was uncanny of her.

He watched Father’s posture droop down, sitting on a kitchen table’s seat, hands clutching his head with frustration. This, Zack understood. He felt sympathy. This ‘firing,’ or whatever it might be, it must have made a harsh impact. Climbing up on an adjacent seat, he automatically started to pat him.

“It’s okay,” he imitated Mother, trying his best to comfort him. “Fire turns to ash anyway.”

Time seemed to stop, and the boy was frightened. Had he said something?

His father merely sat there, immobilized. And did something Zack never even thought of at that time until much later.

He cried.

Darien Shields
17th July 2005, 10:40 PM
Interesting. A bit short though. I'll read more.

So they're gonna sell him into slavery, huh? That's a bit of a snap judgement to make the same day you get fired. I guess they must really hate ash.

LilyPichu
17th July 2005, 11:02 PM
Sell...him? O-O Oh no, not at all. I'm glad you found the relevance to Ash, however. XD

I'm planning on stitching every single event in this story together, 'cos I just love the plot. Thank you for the review ^^

mr_pikachu
23rd July 2005, 01:40 AM
Ah, another LilyPichu fic! Is this one a short, though? It looks like it's formatted how a chapter fic would be... if it's a longer work, then I'm excited. (At last!) :biggrin:

This has an interesting feel. I like the opening characterization of Zack and his (former?) fascination with flight. Way to work for a mystical effect in the beginning. It's a nice contrast with the very down-to-earth event that quickly followed. I'm curious as to exactly what age Zack is, as that was never given to my knowledge. That will soon be important for the understanding of this crucial event's context, methinks. Very nice demonstration of Zack's naivete, too. If that was a reference to a particular anime character in the last quote, it was nicely vague. I wonder if that will be a factor in this story, or if the father simply felt that the metaphor would apply to him? Fire withering into ashes... that could be powerful even by itself.

However, there were some grammatical issues here. The most recurrent concern involved references to the characters. Many sentences were very unclear in this regard. Many of the pronouns related to "he" were very confusing here, as were some lines such as "With arms outstretched..." (In that example, it could be the birds or the boy.) The other problems were essentially scattered words that were misused, such as "on" in the first sentence of the chapter and the one-time use of the helping verb "had" in the first sentence of the ninth paragraph.

But overall, this was done pretty well. You did a good job with showing Zack's youthful love of flight and then slamming us back to reality with the firing. That was really the best part of this chapter, in my opinion. The sharp, sudden contrast was very effective, especially with the foreboding nature of the "miracles did not last very long" sentence to make the transition. Nice work. I'm hoping to see more of this! Well, until then! :wave: