View Full Version : WWE Taboo Tuesday review!

2nd November 2005, 12:51 PM

Going into this thing, I admit I've got some pretty low expectations. Even though the Internet Dream Match of Steve Austin vs Johnathan Coachman was changed at the last minute to Batista vs Vader, Goldust, and Coach, I'm sure I'll survive somehow. Because Coach still has a match (And completely blows at PBP), Joey Styles sits alongside King tonight.

HEAT MATCH: CHAVO and Striker vs some jobber and a black guy

Starts out as paint-by-numbers, until CHAVO starts working on Venis' leg. Venis manages to hit an enzuguri and makes the hot tag to Shelton. Striker and CHAVO win with a rollup on Venis by Striker and grabbing the tights. DUD.


Chris Masters and Gene Snitsky vs Matt Hardy and Rey Mysterio

Christian, Matt, JBL, Rey, and Holly are lined up backstage. To no surprise, Mat and Rey win the vote. Edge and Masters come out first, followed by Matt and Rey. Edge grabs a mic and announces that he won't be wrestling. That's because he's got a torn pec, but we're not supposed to know that. Instead, we get Matt and Rey taking on Masters and Snitsky. Mentally, I'm screaming. Hm, for some reason we've got two referees, one wearing the Raw ref shirt and the other in the Smackdown ref shirt. The two snafu each other quite alot throughout this match. Snitsky unleashes CLUBBERIN, TONEH! on Matt into oblivion. Masters tags in, and does what he does best: just existing on a physical plane. Restholds Matt for awhile until he drops Matt with an underhook suplex. Snitsky tagged in again, and spinebusters Hardy. Snitsky positions Matt's head under the bottom rope and guillotines him, with Style going "GAAAK!" at just the rigt moment. Sweet. Masters tagged in again for, surprise surprise, another resthold. Snitsky tagged in again. Matt hits a fug-pugly superplex on Snitsky. Reverse DDT on Snitsky and Matt finally tags in Rey. Rey and Masters go at it when Masters hooks in the Masterlock. Hardy's too beat down to make the save just yet, so Rey vaults over on top of Masters while still in the lock. The refs bicker again, letting Matt sneak in and drop a leg on Master's head. Both Snitsky and Masters are on the outside now, and Rey and Hardy leap off of the turnbuckles and crossbody them. Nice. 619 on Masters followed by the Twist of Fate and then by a plancha splash by Mysterio and team Smackdown gets the 1-2-3. Good opener, I must say. **1/2.

Backstage, Hacksaw, Kamala, and Snuka await the results of the poll for the Conway/Eugene match. Snuka wins, and Eugene comes in to whisk him away. Conway comes out to just as much apathy as he always has. He was more over in La Resistance, and if that isn't pathetic, nothing is. Wait... what's this? TYSON TOMKO? You mean I actually paid MONEY TO SEE TOMKO WRESTLE!? I feel so... dirty. So unclean.... so very, very unclean........

Eugene and Jimmy Snuka vs Rob COnway and Tyson Tomko

Starts off with Tyson vs Eugene. Genie wants Conway, but he gets Tomko instead. Tomko starts CLUBBERIN', TONEH! away on Eugene. After awhile of filler Eugene teases a gay test of strength with Tomko, but winds up booting Tomko in the gut. Getting outsmarted by Eugene? Man, do they hate Tomko. Tomko tags in Conway and Conway unleases GENERIC HEEL OFFENSE OF DOOOOOOM!! Dropkick by Conway damn near takes Eugene's head off. Chinlock by Conway, but Eugene elbows his way out. Tag to Snuka. Eugene takes out Tomko and gets a Rock Bottom on Conway as Snuka mounts the tunbuckle. Snuka takes a freakin' ice age to get his balance as Conway just lies there motionless for an eternity. FINALLY, Snuka lands the splash and gets the pin on Conway. 1/4*, just because I'm a Snuka mark. Postmatch Tomko levels Snuka and Eugene until Hacksaw and Kamala make the save. Duggan with the three-point charge, and Kamala with the fug-pugliest splash I've ever seen. So bad, it made Vader's epic tumble like an olypmic triple-jump.

Carlito Cool vs Mankind

Poor Dude, he only got 13% of the vote. Mankind wins with about half the vote. Not that I'm complaining, he comes out to his sweet '97 violin/cello theme. God I loved that. Match starts and Mankind lays a beatdown on Carlito. Mankind to the outside to grab a chair, and goes after Carlito, also on the outside. As Mankind is about to whack Carlito with the chair, Carlito drop-toeholds him and sends him face-first into the steps on the chair. Yipes. Carlito grabs the chair as Mankind gets up and smacks him, and Foley hits the back of his head on the steps! That's gotta hurt. Back in the ring, Carlito gets a 2 on Mankind. Mankind tosses Carlito out with a clothesline, and then lands the running elbow off the apron. Back in the ring now, Carlito laid out, Mankind reaches into his tights for Mr. Socko, complete with Carlito-looking face and silly afro. Mankind jams Mr. Socklito down Cool's throat for the win. Fun little match. *3/4.

Big surprise, HBK wins the main event vote, so that leaves Cade and Murdoch to be devoured by Kane and Show.

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch vs Kane and Big Show

Lilian announces CnM as weighing in at 5-on-1. Seriously Lilian, I know you had a lot of fun at the post-RAW party yesterday, but come on! Be professional here! Kane's working with a bad back anyway it seems. Kane starts obliterating Cade. Show tagged in. Show obliterates Cade. Finally CnM get some sort of offense in when Kane is knocked onto the outside and they hit their chop-block/clothesline combo on him. They beat down on Kane for a bit in the corner until he fights free. Murdoch throws a hissy fit, and is sent packin' over the top rope. Double chokeslam on Cade and we have new owners for those two shiny belt things. *. Postmatch Murdoch then tries to start something, and he gets a double chokeslam as well. Yeah whatever. NEXT!

Grisham announces that the Diva battle royal will be a lingere fight. Goody.

Video package for Coach's match. Hoo boy, does that reek of Russo or what?

Somewhere in here, there's a Coach/Vader/Goldust skit where Coach hopes to one day be WWE Champion. Tune in at the Royal Rumble, and I guaruntee that Coach's boyhood dream will come true after pinning John Cena.

Goldust and Vader come out followed by Coach and then Batista. To little surprise, in a choice between the Street fight, arm wrestling, and verbal debate, the street fight option won. The verbal debate got 6% of the votes, while the arm wrestling got half that. Good to see that at least some people don't take silly little things seriously. Which is more than I can say for most of the wannabe-Meltzers. You know who you are. *coughgamefaqscough*

Dave Batista vs Johnathan Coachman

Styles informs us that Coach was a star college basketball player. Hm, a watered-down match with a big asshole. Now I know why Styles didn't mention what "position" Coach played. God, I'm terrible. Teast levels Vader and Dust, while Coach cheers them on. They regroup on the outside, and come back in for more. They manage to down Dave, and hold him on the mat. Coach yanks the belt off of some innocent bystander, climbs back in the ring, and whips Batista good. Vader and Goldust flip Teast over, but Teast fights out and squashes all three. Batista tries to spinebust Vader, and fails miserably. Teast GORE!!! GORE!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!s Goldust, and yells an audiable "come on!" to Vader, where they finally get the spinebuster spot right. Powerbomb on Coach for the win. DUD. Horrible with a capital H, O, R, R, I- ah, you get the idea. Shit sucked. NEXT!!

Backstage, HBK's interview is interrupted by Angle, who suggests that they team up and take out Cena. Shawn says he'll think about it.

Trish Stratus vs Victoria vs Mickey James vs Some bint vs Some other bint vs Yet another bint

This is a battle royal, yet they don't have to go over the top to be eliminated. Doing so would require, y'know, athleticism. That could break a Binty's fingernail, it could! Ah, squeals and squawks all around. Victoria and Trish fight in the corner while two of the unimportant bints get tossed. The last bint almost gets dumped, showboats, and gets knocked off anyway. The final three are Trish, James, and Vicky, which not-so-coincidentally are the only three that matter. Trish does that gay little Matrix back-bendy clothesline dodge thing, but Vicky just stomps her flat anyway! SWEET. Victoria is almost dumped quite a few times, but always manages to power out. I'm really liking this building up of Victoria as a power wrestler, I really am. Hell, I like just about everything about Victoria. Except the clothes. Those have gotta' go, eef ya' weeeeeeeel ;). Mickey spears Vicky through the ropes and eliminates the two of them for Trish's win. DUD. Postmatch Grisham tries to get an interview out of Trish, but Mickey insists on squeeing away for her. God damn, she's annoying. Anyone got a traq dart? No? Well, some earplugs at least?

Video package for Trips/Flair that we've seen a billion times already, so I hit the candystand. I go up to the assorted candy bins. I grab..... A WHITE PAPER BAG!! OH MY GOD!! And then I RAKE IN SOME REESES PIECES!! AND THEN SOME SOUR RINGS!!HOLY SHIT!! I lift the blocker, AND IT POURS INTO THE BAG!! $4.95!!! $4.95!! WHAT A MATCH!! WHAT A MATCH!! FIVE STARS, BRAH!!

Although Meltzer only gave it ****3/4. He tacked off the odd 1/4* because he doesn't like sour rings.

Ric Flair vs Triple H

And I was, thinking that the 1-fall-to-a-finish match would win. You know, I think that in some subtle, nigh-undetectable way, WWE was dropping hints that they really, really wanted us to vote steel cage. Don't know where I got that from though. Maybe I'm hearing things. Trips enters and climbs to the top of the cage to spit his water. Only now do I realize just how perfectly his never-fashionable muttonchop beard frames the baby-fat on his cheeks. Gosh, what I wouldn't give to be able to pinch 'em both and go "Goochie goochie goooooo!!" Flair comes out, and I see a sign in the crowd that reads "TABOO TUESDAY." No shit, someone actually brought a sign that read "TABOO TUESDAY." Instead of something like "GO FLAIR," or "REY RULES," or even a simple "WOOOOO," some numb-nut took the time to bring a lame-ass sign that read "TABOO TUESDAY." Right, you may as well just let me surgically remove your brain pal. I'll put it to better use than you ever have by putting it in a jar and using it as a giant novelty paperweight.

*ahem* back to the match, then.

HHH takes Flair down early, and busts him open almost immediately. They trade punches and chops. HHH grinds Flair's face against the mesh, and splashes him against it too. Trips goes to the corner to climb out early, but Flair catches him. They fight on top of the ropes, and both crotch themselves. HHH grabs a chain from the top rigging of the cage (don't ask me), and wraps it around his fist as Flair lies motionless on the mat below. Flair raises his boot to counter an HHH fistdrop that looked for all the world that HHH was going to punch Flair's kneecap. Flair tries the figure-4, but HHH levels him with the chain-wrapped fist. For some reason, the ref tries to yank the chain away from HHH. Isn't this supposed to be no-DQ? Regardless, the ref confiscates the chain and removes it from play. HHH mocks Flair's knee drops by doing one to the back of Flair's head. He even pulls down his kneepad to do so. HHH with the figure-4 but Flair rolls over and reverses the pressure. Trips grabs the ropes and breaks the hold. Trips tries the figure-4 again, but Flair launches him into the steel bars where Trips does a clearly visible bladejob. Flair bites HHH's gash like a vampire, and shreds his face against the mesh. Flair chop-blocks HHH's leg that had the torn quad, and really starts to fuck with it. Flair locks in the figure-4, flips Trips off, and swears so much that would make even the saltiest sailor cry for mommy. Flair pulls him to the middle of the ring. HHH pulls the ref into Flair to break the hold. By this point, both men are absolute messes. Together they equal a 1.75 Muta. Flair tries to crawl out but HHH pulls him back in. Flair lands a lowblow and goes for the door again, and reaches for an oh-so-convieniently placed chair that inexplicably resides beneath the cage door. Flair pulls the chair in but HHH stomps on it, hurting Flair's hand as he screams "God I'm an idiot!" That Flair, always a comedian. HHH is about to level Flair again when Flair grabs HHH by the Baby Hose 'n Spigots! Three chairshots to HHH's melon by Flair, and Flair slips out of the cage.... to retain the Intercontinental title? Who knew that was up for grabs? Ah well, great match anyway. ****1/2.

John Cena vs Kurt Angle vs Shawn Michaels

The canvas is still painted red by the bloodbath that was HHH/Flair. Angle decks HBK early on and lays into Cena. Cena fights back and takes down Angle and tries to backslide HBK but gets a 2. Angle with German suplexes for everyone, but gets caught up in a counter-finisher war. Angle and HBK finally team up to beat the shit out of Cena. They toss him into the ringpost, drag him around to the Spanish announce table, and double-Gordbuster him through it. Yipes. Cena's corpse is left to rot on the outside while Angle and HBK brawl back into the ring. Angle puts HBK in a bodyscissors, but HBK soon fights back. Angle hits a top-rope Angle Slam, but HBK kicks out. WTF? Angle with more suplexes for everyone, 'plexes HBK over the top and to the outside, and HBK eats gym mat. Cena decks Angle and hoists him up for an FU, but Angle slips out and applies the Ankle Lock. Cena tries to kick Kurt off, but Angle keeps holding on and drops for the grapevine. HBK hits the diving elbow on Angle, and tunes up for Sweet Chin Music. HBK manages to kick Kurt's jaw in, but Cena's right there to drop HBK with the FU for the three count. ***1/2. It's a good thing they kept it Angle/Michaels for most of the 1-on-1 action, otherwise Cena would have slowed it down way too much with his ultra-shitty offense that would make Hulk Hogan look like Speedy Gonzalez.

Overall, an okay show. The good stuff was great, and the crap was really crappy. Mild reccomendation, just for HHH/Flair and the triple threat, if nothing else.

Match of the night? Why, Me vs the Candy Stand of course!


2nd November 2005, 01:35 PM
I think the WWE need to look up what 'taboo' actually means.

3rd November 2005, 09:49 AM
Yeah, I was like "was there incest or something? rape of children? omgwtfclick"

god this is a soap opera. which is why i haven't watched wrestling in about 6-7 years.

5th November 2005, 05:29 PM
Taboo means a topic not discussed in 'polite' circles.

15th November 2005, 08:27 PM
I hear Joey had a lot of good quotes...just as awesome as that other guy who's last name is Styles. What's his first name again--AJ?:p jk--Viva la TNA~! ...Aw, dammit; I really need to not remind myself of Eddie now.:(

3rd December 2005, 03:45 PM
I really didn't like the PPV or Survivor Series. I personally am sick of Cena and Batista being champs. Give Benoit and Angle the titles!