Magmar
5th January 2006, 10:35 AM
You know, I wouldn't ordinarily post my life story in a thread on a message board. I try to keep as much of my personal life as possible off the internet. But, I need to vent, and I need to sort out the events in chronological order so they don't get confused in my head. As much as possible, I'm going to avoid using real names. If you want to hear me out, though, feel free to continue reading and responding, as this was a really significant part of my lifetime and was pretty much the conclusion of adolescence for me.
As a few of you probably have noticed by this time, I am openly bisexual. However, I had not really fully realized it until last month, when I fell hard for someone of the same gender as me. It was something I hadn't really even given much thought, because I've been "all the way" with girls before, and I love it.
At a battle of the bands, I met this boy, whom I'll call AJ. AJ was somebody I had met once in the past, as he dated my friend and we rode in the same limo/sat at the same table at Junior Prom. Well, throughout the night, we talked like normal. But then, he hurt himself, and we sat outside on the steps talking and stuff. Then, we went upstairs to watch the concert through the glass windows. It was just us. I started getting a really strong pull inside myself to kiss this boy, and kept trying to shrug it off.
Of course, leave it to "Eric" to bust out of the room right next to us and kill the moment. Haha.
A couple of days later, we got in touch again. By the end of the conversation, I was pretty convinced that I was bisexual. We openly admitted feelings for each other, the same drives, etc. I didn't really know what to think, but I felt more of a crush on him than I had for many girls that I had liked in the past. He really knew how to sweet talk me. AJ told me that I was "beautiful" and "hot" and stuff. Nobody had ever complimented me like that before. At this point, I realized that I really have a hefty crush on him, and that hanging out again would definitely confirm if we have feelings or not.
I have to be perfectly honest. I always had feelings for guys, but it was never as strong as for girls. I didn't want to be bisexual, so I always repressed them. I really prefer women. But being around AJ made me feel so right. I was happier around him than I'd ever been around any girl I'd ever dated except for this one girl, who I'll call Sarah. We'll get back to her in a minute.
My feelings inside became really powerful. The Battle was on a Wednesday. By Sunday, I felt that I had embraced enough of my personality to accept my bisexuality. I came out to my friend Samantha, who then came out to me too. It was a really emotional moment and it was actually kind of fun. I was glad I told her. Then, I decided to tell one of my closest friends, Leeann. (I didn't change her name because why should I? If anyone I know SOMEHOW were to find this online, I'd like them to know what an amazing friend Leeann is.) Leeann made me feel so comfortable about it. I realized I was happy knowing that they know. I wasn't quite ready to tell the whole world yet, though. A couple of weeks ago, the same thing had happened to one of my friends, "Dan." I didn't want to seem like a poser, trying to copy what he had. It was difficult, however, to mask my feelings.
I wanted to tell my best friend next, and then basically announce it. However, Dan felt that he should know who my crush was, since he had come out to me. (We all basically came out at the same time. It's pretty f'ing ironic.) I trusted him and told him not to tell anyone. He promised. I told him all about AJ, showed him pictures, stuff like that. However, I was smart about it and didn't give ANYONE a way of contacting AJ.
Good thing, because I was an idiot and told Dan on the internet.
He copy pasted the conversation and posted it in "Livejournal" under the heading "BREAKING FUCKING NEWS". Oh yeah, did I mention he used a special cut, so all like 50 of my friends could read it EXCEPT for me?
He did that Monday night. By Tuesday, everyone seemed to know all about AJ, and I felt awful. AJ isn't out. I immediately got in touch with my best friend, Jeff, and told him the situation. He was very understanding. In fact, everyone was very understanding of the situation except for my ex-girlfriend "Sarah" and my ex-friend "Jenna." But then the rumors began. Rumors started popping up that I told the world that Jenna's boyfriend abused her, that I hate my friend Jessica, that I want to fight my friend Jake, someone I've known since he was like 9. Somebody took it upon themselves to make up a ton of bullshit, and along with the bisexual rumors, tried to absolutely kill my reputation.
But... their plan backfired. Nobody bought the rumors. Everyone basically laughed at Dan for trying to start this shit. But now I was out. And I didn't honestly care. I felt great knowing I could really be myself and not have to worry about restraining this entire half of my personality that had been itching to be revealed for the last 19 years.
So, over the course of the next few weeks, AJ and I became pretty close friends. We talked about everything and anything, and about each other. We hung out a few times, but never just us, because of our schedules. My feelings for him grew and grew, and I assumed it was the same with him. I also fixed things with Sarah, and we're still friends, which is a good thing. I still have some feelings for her, but they're really nothing compared to what I feel for AJ.
HOWEVER.
A few days ago, AJ and I hung out, just us, at his house. There was a hell of a lot of flirting. I mean a LOT. It was a lot of fun but it got cut short because of family reasons. We had so much fun. When I came back home, he left me all these really sweet messages on the computer. I was so happy.
It should be noted that also, at about 11 PM on 31 December, I got a phone call that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital with chest pains and stuff. The next few days without her, I basically cried the whole time. I live with just her and my grandfather. I have like 5 family members total in Rhode Island. It wasn't easy. So AJ had invited me over for a little while when I was in the midst of a severe mental breakdown.
Last night, things changed.
Last night, we were supposed to hang out--me, AJ, and Leeann. However one of his female friends needed a ride to the mall to pick up the bus that'll take her across the state.
And right in front of me, they made out. BZZT AHHH falling falling BAM. Crash into the dirt. After we dropped that skank off, he told us that they were just friends and they weren't going to date. Me and Leeann looked at each other like "what the hell?" I guess that girl just wanted some action.
So the whole rest of the night, this is what I did.
I went to the mall to DDR and buy some cleaner so we could clean off the wall where he got black hair dye on it. I didn't get to DDR though. We HAD to walk around the mall so he could talk to all these people he knows, including some UGLY asian girl he hung all over, and some random ghetto dude that he ALSO hung all over.
Then we went to walmart to get 409 to clean some other shit. He hung all over Leeann! She was NOT happy and refused to flirt back.
But here's the catch. All those nice complimenting things he said about me... he said the EXACT same things to Leeann, word for word, as though they were scripted. I was frigging heartbroken. I had never felt so upset over someone I liked.
The whole rest of the night, he flirted TO leeann, who didn't flirt back. However, it was I who cleaned the walls for him in his bathroom, who used the shit to get the dye off his face and the back of his neck, who drove him around everywhere. I felt so f'ing used and depressed.
Then he really didn't want us to leave his house. We stayed until 10:30 listening to his stories about all these other people he's had sex with. And then he started flirting with ME again. Finally he asked me "What's wrong? You look upset." I've had some pretty violent tendencies in my life, but never had I wanted to punch someone in the face like I wanted to hit him. I was shaking, I was ready to cry, I wanted to drive into a pole.
So then we get ready to leave and he wants to show us something, so AJ grabs me by the hand and leads me to his backyard to show us something. Then we went to leave and he gave me this kinda nice hug and said that he'd talk to me about it later. His idea of talking to me about it later was to send me an email asking me why I was upset.
The whole ride home, I wanted to cry. Leeann busted out crying and kept apologizing for what he was doing. She didn't want that. She tried to stop it. She did what a friend would do and I am eternally grateful that Leeann is my friend.
If you want to know what the feeling of ACTUAL rejection is, try going through that. I came out for that boy. I did SO much shit for that boy. I felt for him like I had never felt, emotionally, for a girl. He was everything to me for about a month, and all I got out of it was, in the end, nothing but being hurt and emo for a couple hours.
What do you think I should do from here? Should I continue being friends with AJ? Should I tell him off? Should I punch him in the face? The feelings for him are shot. I hope they never come back.
....
PS when I got home the girl he was making out with sent me a friend request on myspace. XD
As a few of you probably have noticed by this time, I am openly bisexual. However, I had not really fully realized it until last month, when I fell hard for someone of the same gender as me. It was something I hadn't really even given much thought, because I've been "all the way" with girls before, and I love it.
At a battle of the bands, I met this boy, whom I'll call AJ. AJ was somebody I had met once in the past, as he dated my friend and we rode in the same limo/sat at the same table at Junior Prom. Well, throughout the night, we talked like normal. But then, he hurt himself, and we sat outside on the steps talking and stuff. Then, we went upstairs to watch the concert through the glass windows. It was just us. I started getting a really strong pull inside myself to kiss this boy, and kept trying to shrug it off.
Of course, leave it to "Eric" to bust out of the room right next to us and kill the moment. Haha.
A couple of days later, we got in touch again. By the end of the conversation, I was pretty convinced that I was bisexual. We openly admitted feelings for each other, the same drives, etc. I didn't really know what to think, but I felt more of a crush on him than I had for many girls that I had liked in the past. He really knew how to sweet talk me. AJ told me that I was "beautiful" and "hot" and stuff. Nobody had ever complimented me like that before. At this point, I realized that I really have a hefty crush on him, and that hanging out again would definitely confirm if we have feelings or not.
I have to be perfectly honest. I always had feelings for guys, but it was never as strong as for girls. I didn't want to be bisexual, so I always repressed them. I really prefer women. But being around AJ made me feel so right. I was happier around him than I'd ever been around any girl I'd ever dated except for this one girl, who I'll call Sarah. We'll get back to her in a minute.
My feelings inside became really powerful. The Battle was on a Wednesday. By Sunday, I felt that I had embraced enough of my personality to accept my bisexuality. I came out to my friend Samantha, who then came out to me too. It was a really emotional moment and it was actually kind of fun. I was glad I told her. Then, I decided to tell one of my closest friends, Leeann. (I didn't change her name because why should I? If anyone I know SOMEHOW were to find this online, I'd like them to know what an amazing friend Leeann is.) Leeann made me feel so comfortable about it. I realized I was happy knowing that they know. I wasn't quite ready to tell the whole world yet, though. A couple of weeks ago, the same thing had happened to one of my friends, "Dan." I didn't want to seem like a poser, trying to copy what he had. It was difficult, however, to mask my feelings.
I wanted to tell my best friend next, and then basically announce it. However, Dan felt that he should know who my crush was, since he had come out to me. (We all basically came out at the same time. It's pretty f'ing ironic.) I trusted him and told him not to tell anyone. He promised. I told him all about AJ, showed him pictures, stuff like that. However, I was smart about it and didn't give ANYONE a way of contacting AJ.
Good thing, because I was an idiot and told Dan on the internet.
He copy pasted the conversation and posted it in "Livejournal" under the heading "BREAKING FUCKING NEWS". Oh yeah, did I mention he used a special cut, so all like 50 of my friends could read it EXCEPT for me?
He did that Monday night. By Tuesday, everyone seemed to know all about AJ, and I felt awful. AJ isn't out. I immediately got in touch with my best friend, Jeff, and told him the situation. He was very understanding. In fact, everyone was very understanding of the situation except for my ex-girlfriend "Sarah" and my ex-friend "Jenna." But then the rumors began. Rumors started popping up that I told the world that Jenna's boyfriend abused her, that I hate my friend Jessica, that I want to fight my friend Jake, someone I've known since he was like 9. Somebody took it upon themselves to make up a ton of bullshit, and along with the bisexual rumors, tried to absolutely kill my reputation.
But... their plan backfired. Nobody bought the rumors. Everyone basically laughed at Dan for trying to start this shit. But now I was out. And I didn't honestly care. I felt great knowing I could really be myself and not have to worry about restraining this entire half of my personality that had been itching to be revealed for the last 19 years.
So, over the course of the next few weeks, AJ and I became pretty close friends. We talked about everything and anything, and about each other. We hung out a few times, but never just us, because of our schedules. My feelings for him grew and grew, and I assumed it was the same with him. I also fixed things with Sarah, and we're still friends, which is a good thing. I still have some feelings for her, but they're really nothing compared to what I feel for AJ.
HOWEVER.
A few days ago, AJ and I hung out, just us, at his house. There was a hell of a lot of flirting. I mean a LOT. It was a lot of fun but it got cut short because of family reasons. We had so much fun. When I came back home, he left me all these really sweet messages on the computer. I was so happy.
It should be noted that also, at about 11 PM on 31 December, I got a phone call that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital with chest pains and stuff. The next few days without her, I basically cried the whole time. I live with just her and my grandfather. I have like 5 family members total in Rhode Island. It wasn't easy. So AJ had invited me over for a little while when I was in the midst of a severe mental breakdown.
Last night, things changed.
Last night, we were supposed to hang out--me, AJ, and Leeann. However one of his female friends needed a ride to the mall to pick up the bus that'll take her across the state.
And right in front of me, they made out. BZZT AHHH falling falling BAM. Crash into the dirt. After we dropped that skank off, he told us that they were just friends and they weren't going to date. Me and Leeann looked at each other like "what the hell?" I guess that girl just wanted some action.
So the whole rest of the night, this is what I did.
I went to the mall to DDR and buy some cleaner so we could clean off the wall where he got black hair dye on it. I didn't get to DDR though. We HAD to walk around the mall so he could talk to all these people he knows, including some UGLY asian girl he hung all over, and some random ghetto dude that he ALSO hung all over.
Then we went to walmart to get 409 to clean some other shit. He hung all over Leeann! She was NOT happy and refused to flirt back.
But here's the catch. All those nice complimenting things he said about me... he said the EXACT same things to Leeann, word for word, as though they were scripted. I was frigging heartbroken. I had never felt so upset over someone I liked.
The whole rest of the night, he flirted TO leeann, who didn't flirt back. However, it was I who cleaned the walls for him in his bathroom, who used the shit to get the dye off his face and the back of his neck, who drove him around everywhere. I felt so f'ing used and depressed.
Then he really didn't want us to leave his house. We stayed until 10:30 listening to his stories about all these other people he's had sex with. And then he started flirting with ME again. Finally he asked me "What's wrong? You look upset." I've had some pretty violent tendencies in my life, but never had I wanted to punch someone in the face like I wanted to hit him. I was shaking, I was ready to cry, I wanted to drive into a pole.
So then we get ready to leave and he wants to show us something, so AJ grabs me by the hand and leads me to his backyard to show us something. Then we went to leave and he gave me this kinda nice hug and said that he'd talk to me about it later. His idea of talking to me about it later was to send me an email asking me why I was upset.
The whole ride home, I wanted to cry. Leeann busted out crying and kept apologizing for what he was doing. She didn't want that. She tried to stop it. She did what a friend would do and I am eternally grateful that Leeann is my friend.
If you want to know what the feeling of ACTUAL rejection is, try going through that. I came out for that boy. I did SO much shit for that boy. I felt for him like I had never felt, emotionally, for a girl. He was everything to me for about a month, and all I got out of it was, in the end, nothing but being hurt and emo for a couple hours.
What do you think I should do from here? Should I continue being friends with AJ? Should I tell him off? Should I punch him in the face? The feelings for him are shot. I hope they never come back.
....
PS when I got home the girl he was making out with sent me a friend request on myspace. XD