Mewfour
31st January 2006, 10:45 PM
Royally Fucked
Yes, it's that time of the year again, where no matter how crap and/or thrown together the undercard, Mark and Smark alike will buy a WWE PPV (Provided that they can get it for under $15 as I did). I'm of course talking about the Royal Rumble. 40 bucks for a JBL vs Boogeyman negative-star anti-classic is absurd, Rumble or not. Stlyes and King are your RAW hosts, while Tazz and Cole are your B-Show puppets.
Vanilliamidgetweight Title Match
Kid Kash vs Sho Funaki vs Paul London vs Jamie Noble vs Nunzio vs Gregory Helms
The story here is that Kash's wrist is broke, so him jobbing is a given. Big brawl starts things out, with Kash rolling to the edge to stay out of action. This one spot sees Noble whipped to the ropes, but instead of bouncing off, Noble does a suicide dive through the ropes onto the rest of 'em outside. Sweet. And then London does an SSP off the top to the outside! NICE. Although everyone was kinda out of position and more or less let London fall flat on his face, but still, NICE. Back in the ring, Helms KILLS London with a top-rope neckbreaker. Noble tries to Camel Clutch his way to victory, buy gets kicked in the face. In the confusion Helms slips in a PIMP Shining Wizard to knock Funaki the fuck out and win the Cruiserweight title at about 7 or 8 minutes. Sweet. **
Backstage, HHH draws his number from the raffle log, asking Torrie to "open her box" for him, and Candice to "hold his ball." Ah, classic DX. Still funny after all these years.
Oh, and Mickey James is a lezzie after all. Well, there goes a good storyline turned bad into a good storyline turned bad turned horrible. They're really grasping at straws now, aren't they?
Battle of the Breast Implants Match
Mickie James vs Ashley Maasaro
Is it just me, or is there an unwritten rule around the WWE that the bigger your tits, the bigger your push? I don't know for sure, but that would certainly explain the 10-month Bradshaw title run. HA HA C WUT I DID THAR?! Ashley applies an arm rigor and tosses Mickey down. She follows up by placing her in another arm rigor and tossing her down. PSYCHOLOGY, LOL. And to complete this ring science masterpiece, Ashley places Mickey in YET ANOTHER ARM RIGOR OF DOOOM before giving her A TOSS OF DOOOOOOOM. SMMMMMMMMELL THE PSYCHOLOGY. Then a whole bunch of other shit happens. I don't know, I must have fallen asleep through this garbage. Ashley "punches" Mickey. Mickey wins with a SICK powerbomb off the top rope that damn near breaks Ashley's neck for the win, which Trish begrudgingly counts. -1/2* Yes, Trish Stratus was the referee. Didn't I mention that? Huh, must have forgotten she was there, as my screen was already taken up completley with MASSIVE BREAST IMPLANTS OF DOOOOM. Seriously, ladies? You think those are big enough? Awful, awful, awful match.
Backstage, Vince is letting Torrie, Candice and Victoria show him their tatooes. I eagerly await as Victoria comes forward, bends over the raffle table, and displays on her backside to my raging boner's delight-
....
.... A FUCKING TATTOO THAT READS "WWE DIVAS" !!!
....no....
.... my GOD, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
... that perfect, perfect body of Victoria's..... sullied. Sullied, sullied, SULLIED, I SAY! SULLIED!!
Right then. I need the name and address of whoever is responsible for this travesty, and really really sharp knife.
Piss break match
JBL vs Boogeyman
Seriously. What the fuck. Boogeyman wins with a MODIFED Pump Handle Slam after, oh say, 2 minutes. You'd think that something worth noting could have happened in that time span, but unless you like the image of Jillian Hall having worms spit into her mouth, there was sweet bugger all. Fuck the recap. DUD.
What? It's the Royal Rumble already? Match
The fuck? What happened to Edge vs Cena? Or Kurt Angle vs Mark Henry. Not that I'm complaining, but shouldn't this be the main event, y'know, being the only match on the card that anyone with more than half a brain would be willing to pay for? Nevertheless, here it is. Lilian announces it as the "Royal Wumblah." A jaw that size must take quite a lot of effort to move, must have been two syllables too many. But before the Rumble can begin, we get the re-appearance of, now get this, the "Spirit Squad." Yes, those talented indy workers about to have their careers brutally murdered by this shitty gimmick (supposed to be a strikethrough font) male cheerleaders that just showed up out of the blue the previous Raw. If you listen closley, you can hear positively NOBODY caring. They dance around and do their routine to complete and total apathy. Seriously, you can hear a ghost fart from a mile away. They leave as Miami wonders what the fuck they had spent their money on. They leave as they wonder if they'd be better off in TNA. I consider leaving as I wonder if this PPV could possibly gey any worse. Oh wait, we've still got a Mark Henry match. Eh, I've become numb now. If the ever-funny and always fresh and spontaneous appearances of Moolah and Mae happen again, though, I'm off my seat and out of the theater in a fucking second.
HHH and Rey Rey start off. NOVA is number three, and is tossed out rather quickly. Poor Nova, why does God hate you so? HHH and Rey Rey battle it out again, until Psicosis comes out next, and is quickly dispatched by Rey Rey again. I kinda liked their mini-match, you know, being rivals and all. That's a feud that you rotten youngn's wouldn't know about. Why in my day...... *ahem* anyway, Flair is out at 5. He chops HHH, chops HHH some more, and gets dumped. What a waste. HHH and Rey trade blows again until Big Show at 6 comes out, and obliterates HHH. Coach is no. 7, leaving me to wonder why the FUCK he's there in the first place. Fucking Sports Entertainment. He slaps Big Show, and gets tossed. Bobby Lashley is no 8, and holy fuck, is he a beast or what? Lashley backbody drops Show (!), as Kane enters at no 9. LAshley Dominators Kane, and Sylvan comes out at no 10. Sylvan attacks LAshley from behind, and gets tossed for his troubles. Kane and Show toss Lashley shortly afterwards. Kane and Show try to eliminate each other, but HHH comes up from behind and dumps them both as Carlito at no 11 makes his entrance stage right. Carlito beats up on Rey until Chris Benoit enters at no 12. Benoit fucking murders everyone with Germans and puts Carlito in the crossface. Booker T enters at no 13, and gets BUSHWHACKER LUKE'D by Benoit. Miami throws a shitfit as Booker heads back. Joey Mercury is no. 14, and does nothing of note. Tatanka, yes, THAT Tatanka, is now out at no. 15, and starts TOMAHAWK CHOPPING BAH GAWD everyone. 16 is Johnny Blaze- er, Spade- er, Nitro, and like Mercury, does nothing. HHH tries to dump Benoit. Mysterio is almost tossed. Out at 17 is Humpty Dumpty himself, Trevor Murdoch. Good lord, is he ever white. Murdoch and Tatanka go at it. An Indian and a cowboy fighting. Now all we need is Terry Funk's branding iron and we got ourselves one humdinger of a hodown YEEEE HAAAWW!! Number 18 is.... oh God you're kidding me, right? FUCKING EUGENE? Goddamnit. I'm tempted to can shit recap shit right here. Eugene does his retarded retard schtick to the delight of nobody, least of all me. Road Warrior Animal is no 19, and CLOTHESLINES BAH GAWD the hell out of everyone. No. 20 sees the return of Rob Van Dam, and he SPIN KICKS BAH GAWD the hell out of everyone. Animal gets dumped already, and Orlando Jordan hits the ring at 21. 22 is Chavo. He mounts the turnbuckle, points to Eddie up in heaven, and is shoved off by HHH. Classy, ain't it? No. 23 is Matt Hardy, and Emo Boy lays HAYMAKERS BAH GAWD into everyone. HHH is nearly eliminated a bunch of times. MNM Snapshot Tatanka and toss him out. No 24 is Super Crazy, and he dives right off the turnbuckle at MNM. Too bad Tajiri's not with the WWE anymore- that's another good feud you youngn's wouldn't know about. Matt nearly dumps HHH. 25 is Shawn Michaels, and Murdoch bumrushes him. HUmpty Dumpty soon takes a big fall. I know, that joke was lame. 26 is Chris Masters. God, kill me now. 27 is our favorite waste of space, Viscera, who quickly assrapes Matt and dumps him out. 28 is our favorite Mommasboy, Shelton. Seriously, who did Shelton piss off to deserve this crap gimmick? Did he walk in on HHH and Steph or something? Eugene is tossed, and I celebrate. 29 is Goldust, and he Shatters Carlito's Dreams. Masters is already eliminated after barely lasting a minute. There is a God... *sniff* There really is a good, kind and loving God..... Number 30 is Randy Orton. Right, scratch that last statement then. Orlando and Goldust are tossed in quick order. Mercury accidentally eliminates Nitro, and gets SCM'd by HBK over the top and eliminated. Shelton hits HBK with a PIMP high kick, but gets tossed almost immediately. God hates Shelton almost as much as he hates Nova. Almost. Vince comes out to distract HBK long enough for Shane to sneak in the ring and dump HBK over. HBK gets back in anyway, HHH cuts him off and tries a Pedigree, but HBK SCMs him and chases after those dastardly McMahons. Carlito is finally tossed, leaving us with the final four: HHH, Rey, RVD, and Orton.
Rey and RVD team up and lay waste to HHH and Orton, but RVD is shoved over the top by HHH. HHH murders Rey with a clothesline, and tries to dump him. But Rey turns it into a hurricanrana and HHH is GONE-O! Welcome to Bizzaro World! HHH takes his frustrations out on Rey by dragging him out and throwing him into the steps before shoving him in the ring again. Orton and Rey are the last ones, and to completely destroy all the momentum that the Smackdown bookers had invested in Orton, Rey eliminates him with a hurricanrana powerbomb-counter to win the Rumble! WE'VE GOT THREE NEW RECORDS!! Rey lasts 1h 2min to beat Benoit's record of 1h 1min, becomes the smallest competitor to win the Royal Rumble at 5'3", and also becomes the youngest Royal Rumble winner at the tender age of 14.
Hah. I'm sooooooo lame for that. ***1/2.
I hit the urinals and come back just in time to see something lowering down to the ring, which Styles claims is a "spaceship" or something. It's got dry ice fog blowing, flashy lights, everything. Turns out it's just a really really big platform for John Cena to come out on, and shoot confettii guns on the crowd. Man. If this doesn't scream, "YOURE NOT SUPPOSED TO BOO ME ANYMORE!!" then it certainly screams of sad. Very sad.
RIP Edge's Career: 1993-2006
Edge vs John Cena
Sucked. Over in 15 minutes. Two guesses as to who won, and the first doesn't count. *. NEXT!
OH GOD!! OH GOD!! WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE A MARK HENRY MAIN EVENT? OH GOD!! WHY?? WHYYYY?!?!?
Kurt Angle vs ... yes, MARK HENRY.
Fuck WWE. I mean it. Fuck 'em for making this the main event. Seriously, after Kurt comes out, half the stadium begins heading for the exit. And rightfully so, too, this match was so bad that I'm not even going to bother to recap it. Just in case you want to know, Mark Henry STILL sucks. Really sucks. Really bad. Ah, you get the idea. Angle wins when he toeholds Henry into an exposed turnbuckle. 1/4*, if only for Kurt.
Angle celebrates, but then Taker ambles out, and lightning strikes the four ringposts, and the ring collapses. You mean they put this shitfest out last just so Taker could do another lameass stunt? Yeah, I stand by previous statement. Fuck WWE. They could have easily put the Rumble on last and still had the Taker spot. Rey wins, and goes joy joy joy. Angle, being a face now, could have come out to congratulate him, and Rey celebrates in the crowd ala Eddie, or even bodysurfing like Spikde. Angle gets a rousing good standing ovation like he probably would have gotten, have Taker come out, collapse the ring. Fade to black, end of story. See? BUT NOOOOOOOOO, this shit just HAAAD to be the main event, leaving a horribly sour taste on what should have been a forgiveable PPV. Fuck 'em, man. Fuck 'em. Well, I guess they had to get some money's worth out of Mark Henry, seeing as though his 10-year contract expires this year. Yes, ten long years of Mark Henry, and I can safely say that that was ten years, and fifteen of my hard earned dollars, well wasted.
This show is not recommended. At all.
Yes, it's that time of the year again, where no matter how crap and/or thrown together the undercard, Mark and Smark alike will buy a WWE PPV (Provided that they can get it for under $15 as I did). I'm of course talking about the Royal Rumble. 40 bucks for a JBL vs Boogeyman negative-star anti-classic is absurd, Rumble or not. Stlyes and King are your RAW hosts, while Tazz and Cole are your B-Show puppets.
Vanilliamidgetweight Title Match
Kid Kash vs Sho Funaki vs Paul London vs Jamie Noble vs Nunzio vs Gregory Helms
The story here is that Kash's wrist is broke, so him jobbing is a given. Big brawl starts things out, with Kash rolling to the edge to stay out of action. This one spot sees Noble whipped to the ropes, but instead of bouncing off, Noble does a suicide dive through the ropes onto the rest of 'em outside. Sweet. And then London does an SSP off the top to the outside! NICE. Although everyone was kinda out of position and more or less let London fall flat on his face, but still, NICE. Back in the ring, Helms KILLS London with a top-rope neckbreaker. Noble tries to Camel Clutch his way to victory, buy gets kicked in the face. In the confusion Helms slips in a PIMP Shining Wizard to knock Funaki the fuck out and win the Cruiserweight title at about 7 or 8 minutes. Sweet. **
Backstage, HHH draws his number from the raffle log, asking Torrie to "open her box" for him, and Candice to "hold his ball." Ah, classic DX. Still funny after all these years.
Oh, and Mickey James is a lezzie after all. Well, there goes a good storyline turned bad into a good storyline turned bad turned horrible. They're really grasping at straws now, aren't they?
Battle of the Breast Implants Match
Mickie James vs Ashley Maasaro
Is it just me, or is there an unwritten rule around the WWE that the bigger your tits, the bigger your push? I don't know for sure, but that would certainly explain the 10-month Bradshaw title run. HA HA C WUT I DID THAR?! Ashley applies an arm rigor and tosses Mickey down. She follows up by placing her in another arm rigor and tossing her down. PSYCHOLOGY, LOL. And to complete this ring science masterpiece, Ashley places Mickey in YET ANOTHER ARM RIGOR OF DOOOM before giving her A TOSS OF DOOOOOOOM. SMMMMMMMMELL THE PSYCHOLOGY. Then a whole bunch of other shit happens. I don't know, I must have fallen asleep through this garbage. Ashley "punches" Mickey. Mickey wins with a SICK powerbomb off the top rope that damn near breaks Ashley's neck for the win, which Trish begrudgingly counts. -1/2* Yes, Trish Stratus was the referee. Didn't I mention that? Huh, must have forgotten she was there, as my screen was already taken up completley with MASSIVE BREAST IMPLANTS OF DOOOOM. Seriously, ladies? You think those are big enough? Awful, awful, awful match.
Backstage, Vince is letting Torrie, Candice and Victoria show him their tatooes. I eagerly await as Victoria comes forward, bends over the raffle table, and displays on her backside to my raging boner's delight-
....
.... A FUCKING TATTOO THAT READS "WWE DIVAS" !!!
....no....
.... my GOD, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
... that perfect, perfect body of Victoria's..... sullied. Sullied, sullied, SULLIED, I SAY! SULLIED!!
Right then. I need the name and address of whoever is responsible for this travesty, and really really sharp knife.
Piss break match
JBL vs Boogeyman
Seriously. What the fuck. Boogeyman wins with a MODIFED Pump Handle Slam after, oh say, 2 minutes. You'd think that something worth noting could have happened in that time span, but unless you like the image of Jillian Hall having worms spit into her mouth, there was sweet bugger all. Fuck the recap. DUD.
What? It's the Royal Rumble already? Match
The fuck? What happened to Edge vs Cena? Or Kurt Angle vs Mark Henry. Not that I'm complaining, but shouldn't this be the main event, y'know, being the only match on the card that anyone with more than half a brain would be willing to pay for? Nevertheless, here it is. Lilian announces it as the "Royal Wumblah." A jaw that size must take quite a lot of effort to move, must have been two syllables too many. But before the Rumble can begin, we get the re-appearance of, now get this, the "Spirit Squad." Yes, those talented indy workers about to have their careers brutally murdered by this shitty gimmick (supposed to be a strikethrough font) male cheerleaders that just showed up out of the blue the previous Raw. If you listen closley, you can hear positively NOBODY caring. They dance around and do their routine to complete and total apathy. Seriously, you can hear a ghost fart from a mile away. They leave as Miami wonders what the fuck they had spent their money on. They leave as they wonder if they'd be better off in TNA. I consider leaving as I wonder if this PPV could possibly gey any worse. Oh wait, we've still got a Mark Henry match. Eh, I've become numb now. If the ever-funny and always fresh and spontaneous appearances of Moolah and Mae happen again, though, I'm off my seat and out of the theater in a fucking second.
HHH and Rey Rey start off. NOVA is number three, and is tossed out rather quickly. Poor Nova, why does God hate you so? HHH and Rey Rey battle it out again, until Psicosis comes out next, and is quickly dispatched by Rey Rey again. I kinda liked their mini-match, you know, being rivals and all. That's a feud that you rotten youngn's wouldn't know about. Why in my day...... *ahem* anyway, Flair is out at 5. He chops HHH, chops HHH some more, and gets dumped. What a waste. HHH and Rey trade blows again until Big Show at 6 comes out, and obliterates HHH. Coach is no. 7, leaving me to wonder why the FUCK he's there in the first place. Fucking Sports Entertainment. He slaps Big Show, and gets tossed. Bobby Lashley is no 8, and holy fuck, is he a beast or what? Lashley backbody drops Show (!), as Kane enters at no 9. LAshley Dominators Kane, and Sylvan comes out at no 10. Sylvan attacks LAshley from behind, and gets tossed for his troubles. Kane and Show toss Lashley shortly afterwards. Kane and Show try to eliminate each other, but HHH comes up from behind and dumps them both as Carlito at no 11 makes his entrance stage right. Carlito beats up on Rey until Chris Benoit enters at no 12. Benoit fucking murders everyone with Germans and puts Carlito in the crossface. Booker T enters at no 13, and gets BUSHWHACKER LUKE'D by Benoit. Miami throws a shitfit as Booker heads back. Joey Mercury is no. 14, and does nothing of note. Tatanka, yes, THAT Tatanka, is now out at no. 15, and starts TOMAHAWK CHOPPING BAH GAWD everyone. 16 is Johnny Blaze- er, Spade- er, Nitro, and like Mercury, does nothing. HHH tries to dump Benoit. Mysterio is almost tossed. Out at 17 is Humpty Dumpty himself, Trevor Murdoch. Good lord, is he ever white. Murdoch and Tatanka go at it. An Indian and a cowboy fighting. Now all we need is Terry Funk's branding iron and we got ourselves one humdinger of a hodown YEEEE HAAAWW!! Number 18 is.... oh God you're kidding me, right? FUCKING EUGENE? Goddamnit. I'm tempted to can shit recap shit right here. Eugene does his retarded retard schtick to the delight of nobody, least of all me. Road Warrior Animal is no 19, and CLOTHESLINES BAH GAWD the hell out of everyone. No. 20 sees the return of Rob Van Dam, and he SPIN KICKS BAH GAWD the hell out of everyone. Animal gets dumped already, and Orlando Jordan hits the ring at 21. 22 is Chavo. He mounts the turnbuckle, points to Eddie up in heaven, and is shoved off by HHH. Classy, ain't it? No. 23 is Matt Hardy, and Emo Boy lays HAYMAKERS BAH GAWD into everyone. HHH is nearly eliminated a bunch of times. MNM Snapshot Tatanka and toss him out. No 24 is Super Crazy, and he dives right off the turnbuckle at MNM. Too bad Tajiri's not with the WWE anymore- that's another good feud you youngn's wouldn't know about. Matt nearly dumps HHH. 25 is Shawn Michaels, and Murdoch bumrushes him. HUmpty Dumpty soon takes a big fall. I know, that joke was lame. 26 is Chris Masters. God, kill me now. 27 is our favorite waste of space, Viscera, who quickly assrapes Matt and dumps him out. 28 is our favorite Mommasboy, Shelton. Seriously, who did Shelton piss off to deserve this crap gimmick? Did he walk in on HHH and Steph or something? Eugene is tossed, and I celebrate. 29 is Goldust, and he Shatters Carlito's Dreams. Masters is already eliminated after barely lasting a minute. There is a God... *sniff* There really is a good, kind and loving God..... Number 30 is Randy Orton. Right, scratch that last statement then. Orlando and Goldust are tossed in quick order. Mercury accidentally eliminates Nitro, and gets SCM'd by HBK over the top and eliminated. Shelton hits HBK with a PIMP high kick, but gets tossed almost immediately. God hates Shelton almost as much as he hates Nova. Almost. Vince comes out to distract HBK long enough for Shane to sneak in the ring and dump HBK over. HBK gets back in anyway, HHH cuts him off and tries a Pedigree, but HBK SCMs him and chases after those dastardly McMahons. Carlito is finally tossed, leaving us with the final four: HHH, Rey, RVD, and Orton.
Rey and RVD team up and lay waste to HHH and Orton, but RVD is shoved over the top by HHH. HHH murders Rey with a clothesline, and tries to dump him. But Rey turns it into a hurricanrana and HHH is GONE-O! Welcome to Bizzaro World! HHH takes his frustrations out on Rey by dragging him out and throwing him into the steps before shoving him in the ring again. Orton and Rey are the last ones, and to completely destroy all the momentum that the Smackdown bookers had invested in Orton, Rey eliminates him with a hurricanrana powerbomb-counter to win the Rumble! WE'VE GOT THREE NEW RECORDS!! Rey lasts 1h 2min to beat Benoit's record of 1h 1min, becomes the smallest competitor to win the Royal Rumble at 5'3", and also becomes the youngest Royal Rumble winner at the tender age of 14.
Hah. I'm sooooooo lame for that. ***1/2.
I hit the urinals and come back just in time to see something lowering down to the ring, which Styles claims is a "spaceship" or something. It's got dry ice fog blowing, flashy lights, everything. Turns out it's just a really really big platform for John Cena to come out on, and shoot confettii guns on the crowd. Man. If this doesn't scream, "YOURE NOT SUPPOSED TO BOO ME ANYMORE!!" then it certainly screams of sad. Very sad.
RIP Edge's Career: 1993-2006
Edge vs John Cena
Sucked. Over in 15 minutes. Two guesses as to who won, and the first doesn't count. *. NEXT!
OH GOD!! OH GOD!! WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE A MARK HENRY MAIN EVENT? OH GOD!! WHY?? WHYYYY?!?!?
Kurt Angle vs ... yes, MARK HENRY.
Fuck WWE. I mean it. Fuck 'em for making this the main event. Seriously, after Kurt comes out, half the stadium begins heading for the exit. And rightfully so, too, this match was so bad that I'm not even going to bother to recap it. Just in case you want to know, Mark Henry STILL sucks. Really sucks. Really bad. Ah, you get the idea. Angle wins when he toeholds Henry into an exposed turnbuckle. 1/4*, if only for Kurt.
Angle celebrates, but then Taker ambles out, and lightning strikes the four ringposts, and the ring collapses. You mean they put this shitfest out last just so Taker could do another lameass stunt? Yeah, I stand by previous statement. Fuck WWE. They could have easily put the Rumble on last and still had the Taker spot. Rey wins, and goes joy joy joy. Angle, being a face now, could have come out to congratulate him, and Rey celebrates in the crowd ala Eddie, or even bodysurfing like Spikde. Angle gets a rousing good standing ovation like he probably would have gotten, have Taker come out, collapse the ring. Fade to black, end of story. See? BUT NOOOOOOOOO, this shit just HAAAD to be the main event, leaving a horribly sour taste on what should have been a forgiveable PPV. Fuck 'em, man. Fuck 'em. Well, I guess they had to get some money's worth out of Mark Henry, seeing as though his 10-year contract expires this year. Yes, ten long years of Mark Henry, and I can safely say that that was ten years, and fifteen of my hard earned dollars, well wasted.
This show is not recommended. At all.