The Greater Evil I : The Great Hunt (PG-13) (Chapter 8 - 1/16)

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[MeLoVeGhOsTs]

I love it! Great writing style you have there! The charaters are all worked out nice and fine! It's great! So I don't really know how to quote a fic, so i'll just shut up now...

bye :wave:

[mr_pikachu]

Nicely done. I never managed to read this fic on the old forum on my visits there, but I understand why it's considered one of TPM's finest. Good metaphors, and nice job with the emotions. I like the use of the characters as well. Interesting that you included Domino; I wonder how she will play into this? And what happened to Tracey? He was there by the time Pokemon 2000 came out, so it seems odd that he would have just vanished. It would have been nice if you'd provided that information, methinks. But this is good so far. Nice work with captivating your audience.

Hmm... it's hard to find fault with this, but one (very minor) thing I did notice was that you sometimes included an unnecessary space before punctuation such as commas and colons. I don't believe that space is really needed, or desirable for that matter. But like I said, that's an extremely small point. Other than that, the only thing I can really think to criticize is the occasional typo and maybe having too much narration. But the narration can be pulled off, provided you keep this strong writing style.

Overall, you've done a good job with this first chapter. Just remember to explain everything, and go back and watch some OI episodes if need be. I'll continue to read and reply to this. Well, see you next chapter! :wave:

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mr_pikachu]

After reading your other fic, I went back over this and looked at a few things I had forgotten in my first run-through.


About the only positive thing about her accusations were that this time...

I cut this sentence down to the pertinent portion because it was rather lengthy. Basically, you begin by speaking about the only positive thing about Misty's accusations. To simplify (which you must do when considering whether a following verb should be plural or singular), you are talking about a thing. It seems like a generic noun, but in this case, it's exactly what is used in the sentence. All you need to know is that this simplified noun is singular. Thus, all verbs in the sentence that apply to it must also be singular. So the word "were" should be "was" to reflect that. Even though another noun, "accusations", was closer to the verb in question and was plural, that verb is acting on the subject of the sentence, so that is the only noun you should consider in your judgment.


None of his other friend, not even Brock, had spent as much time by his side, and none were as close as she was.

This problem is simple: "friend" should be in its plural form, "friends", because the phrase it is included in implies multiple friends. I wouldn't mention it, but I saw that sort of thing elsewhere in this piece.


To say anyone but her was Ash's best friend would have been, he knew, a plain lie.

This is a more obscure rule, but it is important nonetheless. The word "her" is possessive; that is, it is used to show ownership. In this sentence, it is not used to show ownership of anything, as it would in sentences like "He broke her bike," and "Her rage broke through." Thus, you should use the word "she" instead in this instance.


There were other things in the fic that are similar to these, but I just wanted to give you an idea of the kind of things I was seeing.


P.S. I should probably finish replies on the same day that I start them...

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[PancaKe]

Nice. I happen to like fics that involve most of the anime characters rather than original characters. I hate it when fics combine too many original characters and anime characters, in my opinion that doesnt work. This reminds me slightly of Pokemon Master by Ace Sanchez (which i still havent completed yet).

I like the whole developing the anime characters, and using them. I think i remember reading this before but I cant remember. Guess I'll have to wait to read it then.

And I think you're one of the first people to actually come back at Mrpika with grammer rules. Go you! Lol i dont know enough to counter him.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mr_pikachu]

Whoa, nelly! So Misty's been grabbed by TR, and not just the TR we know and love. Jeez, they're really serious this time. But I wonder why Giovanni would have authorized a mission of this magnitude after making the three troublemakers go it alone all this time? Something's fishy, here...

I liked this chapter. The references to Brock's return to Kanto, the pasts of Domino and Damien (so that's who that kid was!), and the shock of seeing TR actually do something right for a change really added up to form a great chapter filled with loads of plot.

There were, however, some more things I wanted to point out. Again, there were a few instances of the misuse (and non-use) of pluralization. Also, I noticed a couple of times where you left necessary words out of your sentences. There was also an odd logic error early on:


There was a certain degree of anonymity in major crowds – it was harder to avoid attention.

Don't you mean it was easier to avoid attention?


But this was good stuff. Your use of settings in the scenes with Ash as well as Damien and Domino was nice, and the plotlines you created were, again, very well done. This fic is very promising, IMO. Keep it up! :wave:


P.S. Yes, PancaKe, I know I neglected to mention that. I just didn't feel the need to overcomplicate the issue. Cut me some slack, alright? ;)

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[PancaKe]

(Never thought I'd see the girl I warned for wanting to take the TEL topic to 1000 posts way back when posting in my ficcie ;-))

Lmao. I remember the days of TEL when it was all new and Ceeps had about a billion worshippers. So that explains why I didnt really like u for a while lol. ^.^; I knew there was SOME reason but I coudln't remember it. I always thought it was the fact you didnt' like ozandys idea about having a smilie fic forum (which i never agreed to either lol). ^.^;;

Anyway, as has been said, its nice to see team rocket finally become seirous, rather than comical. Ive always disliked Team Rockets idiocy. And I'm rather dissapointed that Ash is still stupid. I hated that about ash, and the whole "ghost" thing really pointed out how much of a dumbass ash is. I'm glad misty keeps on bashing him. ^.^;

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[PancaKe]

Good.

I cant stand how dumb he is at times ^.^ This really does remind me of pokemon master by ace sanchez. lol i guess its the use of all the anime n game characters.

[Suite Madame Blue]

Sorry I'm late. It's so good to see this back at TPM! I realize now how little I remember about this fic, so I'm really enjoying rereading it. :D Good description as always. Your plot line about the genetic splicing in Ivy's lab puts me in mind of some of Dean Koontz's books. Was that in TGE before? And if so, how did I miss it?

Normally I'm also picky about grammar, but I learned a long time ago to ignore your errors and just enjoy the story. One thing I want to point out though is a typo:


Virtually every last cabin around the clearing held a rocket grunt or two in it, and all of them were harmed.
That line appears at the end of Ch. 2. I think you want "armed." Otherwise Misty kicked some major butt. (Go Misty! :P )

Anyway, good job. This was one of the first fics I read on the boards, and one of the things that prompted me to register at TPM. I consider this an early Christmas present. :dance: See you in Ch. 3!

[Damian Silverblade]

Ooops, yeah, I PROBABLY meant "armed" (though with Team Rocket facing Ash-tachi, you never know...)

And I'm glad to have you back among the readers of this. It's good to see some old friends hanging around ;-).

(Although by the time I'm done this will probably be a bit of a different beast than the old one).

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mr_pikachu]

Whoa! So Ash did indeed make his decision. I can't say I would have been surprised with either choice, but this should make things a lot more interesting. Domino's finally accepted the book as worthwhile, it seems, and Pikachu jumped off a cliff in what appears to be suicide. Still, I'm sure there was more to that leap than meets the eye.

Nice job with the tension in this chapter. The cut-in with Domino and Damian was well timed; it kept the reader wondering about what Ash would do for quite a bit longer than the question would have lasted otherwise. Very nice job, there. Plus, you allowed the reader to still fully understand what was going on with Domino and Damian. Again, good work. And now, all seems to be lost for Ash and Misty, with another great technique with the tension - namely, the cliffhanger.

This could use a bit more editing, though. I don't recall any major problems with tense or pluralization at the moment, but there were other things that could be corrected, like homonym switching. For instance, I believe you used the word "where" instead of "were" at one point. There were a few other similar problems too, I think. But overall, your editing has improved with this chapter. Good job.

I'm enjoying how this fic is going, and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing what happens next. See you then! :wave:

[Suite Madame Blue]

Nice chapter, all this I remember. I"m glad to see you abandoned the sawmill device for Misty's impending demise. That always bothered me, but last time I read this fic, you were up to Ch. 13 and well past Ash & Misty's capture. You do realize, of course, that this time digging a hole worked? :lol:

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Kinglerlord2]

I'm reading this at BMG (again) but as a return to this fanfic board is potentially growing for me I feel that I should make my presence known on this board too.

i feel inadequate next to mr_pikachu though :heh: seems my advice may not be so useful here.

Anyways I agree about the sawmill thing. I remember when I read that I felt a little odd about it. Like it didn't fit properly. The characters are developing well in this version of the story. Brock's background is really good.

[PancaKe]

Nice work. Yeah I remember the sawmill thing (i only read the first few chapters of this) and I think that this works a whole lot better. Although it still seems quite unbelievable thta people would be bothered to dig a hole purely out of threat.

I can understand why ash let his pokemon go. Team rocket isn't about murdering pokemon as far as i know, so at least his pokemon will live. and besides, ash and misty love each other. *awwww*

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mr_pikachu]

So you're developing some sideplots, huh? Not that I blame you; Ash and Misty are pretty much stuck right now, after all. What's interesting, though, is what you mentioned itself: three of the most famous TR agents leaving without notice, Brock and Todd's discussion of the secrets of Pokemon Island, and Sabrina's watchful eye over the trainer who "set her free", so to speak. Very interesting. I'm curious how all these characters will affect the plot as it develops. Very nice progression of the story. Good description as well, at least with the ship sailing to Pallet. That added some good feeling to the story. Nice.

Some things could have been better, though, I think. There's the ever-present issue of plurals, first of all. I hardly need to tell you to watch out for those, since you appear to already know. Just watch out a little more when you're editing! ;) Also, remember to use grammatically correct wordings in your narration. Here's an instance where you slipped a little:


But now, the same pikachu was plummeting to his death below, and what dreams Jessie and him had dared to entertain seemed just as far away as they always had been.

Long story short, the underlined word should be "he". Basically, the rule is that you should use the word that makes sense if you take all the other people/things (in this case, "Jessie") and any connecting words involved out of the sentence. So, look at the test sentence this way...

But now, the same pikachu was plummeting to his death below, and what dreams he had dared to entertain seemed just as far away as they always had been.

The part mentioning Jessie has been cut out, and "him" has been changed to "he". As you can see, the former doesn't work in this case, so it fails our test. The latter, on the other hand, works. Thus, it is appropriate to use.


This is good overall, though. I love how this plot is developing, as well as the characters that are involved. You've definitely caught my interest with this fic. Anyway, I'll see you when the next exciting chapter comes out! Until then! :wave:


P.S. Pidgeot... migratory birds... wait, are you saying that this is Ash's Pidgeot? Whoa, talk about a plot twist if I'm right!

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Kinglerlord2]

Curse you! I thought I'd left this behind for good but it's a whole new story again and I just... can't... stop... reading!!!

I didn't notice any really glaring errors in that chapter so that's a plus. Story wise you keep it moving and connect the characters together well. You're causing me a great deal of nostaligia and now I've started re-writing one of my own fics that I think I only got about 3 or 4 chapters into last time so it probably doesn't count as a re-write.

Anyway, rambling again. Good stuff as usual.

[PancaKe]

Nice.

Basically, Pikachu and Pidgeot make a good team. I like the way Pikachu escaped from team rocket. And its about time Jessie james and meowth left team rocket anyway. It's time for them to do what they feel is right ^.^

And Ash and Misty are going to be helped by Sabrina, I think. It's hard to tell what's going to happen, but Sabrina is going to play a big part in this - and thats all i know :P

[Suite Madame Blue]

Things are starting to happen...whee! I have to be careful not to say too much and spoil it for first-time readers, so I'll just say it's interesting how you're setting the stage for what follows. You've got a nice, slow tension building up. Jessie, James & Meowth leaving TR means something's very wrong indeed.

Sabrina's so cool in this series. :D I love the way you describe the connection between Ash and Haunter, and how Sabrina can tap in.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mistysakura]

Have caught up, I think it's a great fic you've got going on. Normally, so many changes of perspective in one chapter would confuse me, but somehow this works. And I like your use of multiple plot lines that link together. Jessie, James and meowth leaving TR will have some serious consequences, I think. And for a moment there you had me thinking that Pikachu had suicided, and then after Pidgeot came, I realised what a crazy idea that was. (My favourite part of the chapter, by the way.)

Will keep reading.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mr_pikachu]

Well, that was certainly weird... it's as if everyone with any ties to Ash is now seeing painful images of his current state. But why would Misty be involved in it? I wouldn't think she'd need a vision to see what's happening, so why is she having to go through this? Hmm, very odd. Very odd indeed.

There were several typos in this, though, like the stand that fell back to the ground in the battle, and the scare that had never been on Duplica's back before. Editing = good. ;) Also, make sure you keep the narration in the proper tense. Remember, all events in the narration should be treated as if they happened in the past, even if they haven't happened yet or are only future possibilities. So, in the sentence, "And there, caged as he should never be, crying for all he was worth was Ash," he was instead caged as he never should have been. If you have to tell yourself that this is a legend being told a thousand millennia in the future, go right ahead. Just do whatever it takes to realize that quite literally everything should be narrated as a past event.

This is coming along nicely, though. More and more minor characters are learning of what is going on, and I imagine it shouldn't take too long for them to track Ash down. I'd be hard-pressed to guess at what will happen next, though. Good job with the characters, and very nice work in keeping the dramatic tension. Brilliant battle tactics, as well. I'm looking forward to what will happen next. Anyway, I'll see you next chapter! :wave:

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Kinglerlord2]

Sooo different from what I remember. But excellent just the same. Some typos as Mr. Pikachu pointed out. One in particular that stood out for me was: "it rested unused on a shelve..." Shelve should be shelf in this instance.

Your development of the characters is excellent but I hope Gary gets a bit more of the limelight in the future, he took a backseat to Ritchie in that chapter.

Mr. Pikachu: I'm with Damian on the "should never be" part. I think it's a case more of Ritchie's constant belief rather than a one off thought.

[mr_pikachu]

Hmmm. Not sure. If you look at it in the sense of "This should never have happened", true, but what I was going for was more the feeling of "This should never happen." It was how Richie felt about Ash being caged in general, not how he felt about Ash having been caged this once.

Actually, that was what I was referring to, as well. When judging the use of tenses in narration, it's easier just to make the assumption that it is so far in the future that everyone is dead and gone. Thus, you can't say Ash was "caged as he should never be", because he can never be caged again. If you need to refer to it in the present tense for some reason, it's best to use dialogue or thoughts. Those can and should be shown from the perspective of the moment that the events are happening, while narration should be done far enough in the future so that none of the events in question can ever happen again. And if you ever involve necromancy in a work... then... uh... assume there's some clause that makes all the people involved in the piece unable to be brought back to life. Or something.

...Okay, that explanation was unclear. Let me try again.

The narration refers to Richie's perspective, right? But that perspective occured in the past, so the narration should refer to that entire thought as something of the past. Thus, Ash "should never have been" caged like that.

The more I try to explain this, the more tangled the issue becomes. I wish I had some explanation out of an English book to explain my point, but I neither have an English book nor the time to find that explanation. And I'm too exhausted to compose a decent explanation myself. So I suppose there's not much else I can add right now. I hope my reply helped... somehow... :disgust:

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mistysakura]

This is very interesting indeed. If all these people have experenced pain, and have been made aware of the events happening to Ash, then he's going to have some major rescue party... but aside from that, it's hard to guess at the identity and motives of the Absol(?) behind this. It's interesting that Sabrina didn't feel any pain, but that might be because she's a psychic. And Brock didn't get a vision or pain, which strikes me as strange. And everyone experiences their pain differently, in different parts of their body... perhaps this may symbolize or prophesize something. The suspense is building up steadily. The battle in this chapter was great, too, with all the original tactics involved (Thunderbolting sand into glass, now that's a new one).

Looking forward to next chapter.

[Suite Madame Blue]

I take exception to your "not much HAPPENS in this chapter" comment BBP. The visions everyone has experienced are important. Quit apologizing. :wag:

Knockout by obsidian - very nice!

Your talent for naming your characters is still amazing, and why did I not pick up on Richie's surname last time around? Richie Leonhart - Richard Lionheart. *smacks forehead*

And sorry to drag out the "to be" verb tense debate, but another factor to consider is the rhythm and feel of the sentence:

"And there, caged as he should never be, crying for all he was worth was Ash."

"And there, caged as he should never have been, crying for all he was worth was Ash"

I might insert a comma after "worth," but that's just me. "Should never be" shows Richie's perspective, and gives us insight into his state of mind. Fewer syllables give the sentence a faster cadence, and therefore more immediate feel."Should never have been" still provides Richie's perspective, but seems to move away from the intent of the statement, and instead draw attention to itself. It comes across as fussy. More syllables slow the cadence, and breaks the rhythm of the sentence.

Sorry m_p. Technically speaking, you're right, but I'm going with BBP on this one.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Suite Madame Blue]

You did not pick up on Richie's surname last time around, because last time around, he was Richie Cotter (Why? I seem to remember it was a tribute to Andy Newer's "Mark's Journey".). I only hit upon using Leonhart in TGE pretty late in the actual writing of this version.
Well, they say the memory is the first thing to go...

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Suite Madame Blue]

I find myself wishing I had an older version of this fic to compare the rewrite with, but that would be a little like watching Lord of the Rings and trying to read along. It's an imperfect analogy, perhaps, but the one that sprang to mind. Seriously, this story is a pleasure to read, and rewriting serves to improve it.

The only typo that really got to me was "an helicopter". In English, the "H" in helicopter is pronounced. Therefore, the article you want to use is "a" rather than "an". The dialogue in the final scene was confusing, especially inside the Pokemon Center. I couldn't always tell who was talking. I'm sure your brain was moving even quicker than the pace of your story at that point, but we really need the indicators to keep everyone straight.

Great chapter. I like the hint you dropped about Blackthorn. It gives us something else to wonder about. Now I'm going to sit at my computer and chant "More! More! More!" until you post the next chapter. And probably spend Christmas on the mental ward. :looney:

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Kinglerlord2]

I like this. It's like reading a brand new story. I love the way that all the characters are being brought together so quickly. Duplica surprised me though, where the hell did she appear from? I might have missed something reading too fast or something. Maybe need to go back and read her chapter again or something.

I noticed one other error that SMB didn't pick up in my quick read through:
"Now, opening the door, his body seemed to screen in disagreement."
screen should be scream ne?

Otherwise it was a grood chapter. It provides a lot of suspense.

[Suite Madame Blue]

I did pick up on screen actually, and a couple other minor typos, but the helicopter thing was what got to me. Besides, if you pick on BBP too much, he gets cranky. (j/k, BBP!) :wave:

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Suite Madame Blue]

After rereading Ch. 6 a few times, especially the sequence at the Viridian Pokemon Center, and taking into account your detailed explanation of how Duplica arrived there, I think you've left out too much vital information that leaves you with a plot hole. Those of us who are familiar with the anime will know that Duplica is a friend, and we may even read between the lines and make the same assumptions. However, the real test comes if you were to convert the story to non-pokemon: does it hold up? I don't think it does. The fact that you felt you needed to head off that argument and provide a timeline for Duplica's arrival makes me think I'm right. Kingler's response is a typical reaction to a new character that appears suddenly. Your audience is going to need to read in the narrative at least some of what prompted Duplica to fly to Viridian - or she's going to have to provide a really good explanation to the group in the next chapter.

:sweat: All this coming after my crack about picking on you, but I wouldn't say it if it wasn't important.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Kinglerlord2]

The preparations to save Ash begin.

Tracey and Sabrina's parts were excellent. Tracey's part in particular shows that you know his character well and you utilised his abilities.

The scene between Gary and Duplica however was a little off. It seemed a little rushed and ended rather abruptly it just seemed to jolt the flow of the rest of the chapter.

There were quite a few errors in this chapter too. Sentence structure ones mainly as well as tense problems.

"Truth to be told, he should not even be out there yet, of course."
This sentence in particular pulled me up. The structure and tense are odd here. It should probably be "should not have even been..."
This is a case where past tense is really kinda needed otherwise it's a bit confusing. The 'of course' at the end is probably not needed and at the moment to me it seems to clash with the 'Truth to be told' bit at the start.

There's a few other sentences with problems like this that I saw.

One punctuation error I saw was:
I wanted to become a better trainer, a master," this time, he snorted.
The comma after master should be a full stop and then obviously a capital T for this unless description was being added mid-sentence which it isn't here.

Sorry to tear the chapter apart there. I hate doing it. I feel bad when I do. :D

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Suite Madame Blue]

Yes, the Gary/Duplica scene was off somehow, probably rushed as Kingler said. But that was the perfect place to insert it, and thank you for adding Duplica's explanation. Will you be adding in any more about the Dragon Shrine?

I've always liked Tracey's character. It's also good to see Sabrina showing more humanity, and hints of her sense of humor. Nice job on her train of thought in the library.

Kingler mentioned sentence structure and grammar already. I'll just add to watch your plurals:

"The hotel stood out quite clearly, five floor of white stone and crystal windows jutting out of the trees." The hotel has five floors.

"Oh, he had laughed back then. Berated Ash, even, telling him that even trainers who had searched for Articuno all their lives had never seen it. Back then, it had seemed perfectly reasonable that it would preclude the notion of a trainer, barely even a teen, would just run in them by chance." I don't remember if TGE supposes more than one kind of each Legendary. If you're talking about more than one Articuno, then the trainers have never seen them. On the other hand, if you're talking about a single bird, then Ash would be unlikely to run into one by chance.

"A few people would sit at the tables with a handful of book..." Handful of books, referring to the small number they've taken from the shelves.

"She has no respects for the other users…" She has no respect. The only time I've ever seen the plural form used is when a mourner pays his respects to the dead. English is so weird.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mistysakura]

That was an alright chapter, a bit of a filler but not an uninteresting one, because of the character development and everything. Especially with Sabrina, her personality changes since the anime episode are notable, and it's great to see her not isolate herself from others, and even having a bit of humor. I don't quite get the last line though, about whether it was for the best that she changed. I don't see anything that's happened that could provoke that question, as she hasn't caused anythign bad to happen. (Or of she has, I've totally missed it.) The Gary and Duplica scene was a bit off, as others have noted, but I think only at the end with Duplica's explanation really. And nothing much can be done there. Gary's ponderings about Dragon Shrine seem rushed too, but it could simply be because he wanted to get off the subject. Sets up the event for future reference nicely though. Some random typos that I can't remember now, but could have been prevented with spell check. And there shouldn't be a space in front of a semi-colon, but that's nitpicking.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Suite Madame Blue]

*Whimpers at the thought of delays due to editing*

Okay, I'm over it. The first seven chapters are a drop in the bucket compared to all you've written, but there IS such a thing as overthinking your work. Maybe some of the information can be included in a later chapter?

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mr_pikachu]

Ah, it's good to be back! I've missed far too many things on the forum during my absence, and this fic ranks up there at the top of them all. Vacations can be enjoyable, yet also vexing upon your return to reality.

Pretty good. You've done a decent job of introducing the characters, in my opinion. I actually didn't find the Duplica bit to be much of a problem: You explained it soon afterward, Duplica's a pretty well-known character, and even I assumed the readers would be able to fill in the gaps. Plus, the fact that we already know Duplica means she wouldn't require too much opening description. I see it as a situation similar to a character being re-introduced after a chapter or two. She sticks out in your mind enough to not be all that difficult to picture.

Nice work with the intertwining of the characters, as well. It seems that many of them have pasts they'd rather not share. Gary's adventures in Blackthorn are a good example, as is Todd's mystery Pokemon. Sabrina isn't exactly an open book, either, and we all know Brock has issues about his time at Ivy's lab. Richie and Duplica seem fairly clear of this sort of thing, but that's only how it looks now. A few chapters ago, I wouldn't have guessed anything rash about either Gary or Todd, but now we know otherwise. Good work in adapting their experiences to your own interests, yet still making them believable. That sort of talent will really help you in a fic of this nature.

I do think some more editing would be helpful, though, if for no other reason than to make this as perfect as possible. I understand that it's difficult for you, since English is not your first language, but these skills will need to be added to your repertoire as you continue writing, anyway. Besides, a simple program like Microsoft Word should catch many of these errors. Plurals, as already mentioned, are a central issue, but I also sighted issues with punctuation as I read. And editing will help you to guard against logical mistakes, as well:


Berated Ash, even, telling him that even trainers who had searched for Articuno all their lives had never seen it.

Uh, you mean Ho-oh, considering the timeline you mentioned, right? Watch out for things like this!


But from a purely literary standpoint, this is coming along nicely. You've got a good writing style about you, and your characters are top-notch. The plot is just beginning, but it looks nice, as well. The main issue here is just thorough editing. Master that, and you'll be in really good shape. Anyway, I'll see you next chapter! :wave:

[Damian Silverblade]

You are not wanted here, leave.

[mr_pikachu]

Regarding the spelling, Word actually DOES catch a lot - but most of those it doesn't catch are cases of accidentaly typing in the wrong words, in such a way that the sentence remain gramatically sound, but its meaning is altered or lost.

Well, I guess that'll just require further personal editing, then, if you do indeed want to fix those errors. Though I was pretty sure I saw some that didn't stay under the rules of grammar... then again, Word is pretty strange sometimes. Never ask a computer program to do a human's job, or at least not on its own. :no:



As for the bird, I meant Articuno. what Ash SAW at the end of episode 1 was Ho-Oh, but the stone-carved image he pointed out to Oak in episode 2 was of Articuno. Hence why (when *Oak* is reflecting on the whole scene), he refers to Articuno all along.

And the reference to Ash actually meeting 'Cuno are (of course) to Power of One.

Wait, Ash was pointing to Articuno? I was sure I saw the bird of Ice elsewhere on that famous mural. Clearly, I need to review that episode again. Now if only I had it on tape... *sighs*


Anyway, I'm glad to be caught up, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this classic fic. Until then! :wave:

[Suite Madame Blue]

As m_p said, this is coming along nicely. I like the conflict over the simple matter of traveling to Leman. In any group, clashes are inevitable until people learn to work with each other. The fact that the worst dissenter is solid-as-a-rock Brock adds to his character, and injects some freshness into the story. You write the characters' emotions well.

I also seem to remember something about Articuno, way back in Season One. I could also be senile. ;)

Editing-wise, I have nothing to add. Looking forward to the next chapter!

EDIT: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! *Settles back in comfy chair to read*