Blademaster
23rd December 2008, 10:08 PM
Yes, Mikachu, I'M your Secret Santa. Feel free to X out the page now - I fully understand.
I was gonna do something Finnish, but since you did that yourself, I fell back on this - you made something that was 'you,' so I figured I might as well do the same.
DISCLAIMER: If you're an easily offended Catholic or Judaist, DEFINITELY X this page out now. Don't say you weren't warned.
THE BOOK OF SEGA GENESIS
A Biblical and Technological Satire by Blademaster
In the beginning, 61 years ago, God created the Heavens, the Earth, and the Cathode-Ray Tube Amusement Device.
The Cathode-Ray Tube Amusement Device brought light to our world, light made of a tiny missile that was moved by Etch-A-Sketch knobs. God looked at this light, and He saw that it was good.
But He soon grew tired of His game, and so He made others.... He made OXO and Tennis For Two, where he and Jesus would play tic-tac-toe day and night. But Jesus was a sore loser, and so God grounded his ass for 2000 years. And so it was, that without Jesus to play His games with Him, God decided to play with humans instead. And in seven days, God made video games as we know them.
On the first day, God created PONG for humans. And the humans rejoiced at the divine light of God's paddle and the angelic chorus of 'BMP....... BMP..... BMP-BMP....... BMP...... BMP-BMP...... BMP... BMP.....' But one archangel, who would come to be known as Magnavox, grew bored of PONG, and so he tried to create a better game. Magnavox created an imitation of God's light, and he added a pen and paper and a plastic gun, and called his creation the Odyssey, which he would sell for 100 U.S. dollars.
But this angered God, who sent forth a mighty seraphim known as 'Atari' to mortals. And Atari put God's gift of PONG into a black plastic box, which he would sell for $98.95, thus overcoming the Magnavox. But Magnavox had created a failsafe in his Odyssey: the extra life, which he used to revive his power and create his Odyssey 100 and 200. And Atari was overwhelmed by the 230 U.S. dollar price tag of these new creations.
Fortunately, God, in His infinite wisdom, had prepared for this: He summoned His second seraphim, Coleco, who descended with his Telstar. The Telstar featured new magic: the controller, which Coleco smited Magnavox with through means of strangulation, casting him down from Heaven for all eternity. The first day had ended.
On the second day, God sent two new beings to Earth. These beings were not seraphims as Atari and Coleco were, but rather wee baby angels, one of whom would one day rise to become the greatest of all angels. This was Nintendo and his infant brother, SEGA. Nintendo was powerful, but he was also young with a brother to tend, and so all he could bring to man was a tiny little white-and-red box called the Game & Watch: the first portable video game.
Meanwhile, Magnavox's dark influences continued to exist on Earth. Magnavox conjured many an unholy minion, including Milton Bradley, who crafted the Vectrex, and Mattel, who created the Intellivision. But all held back by Atari, who crafted his plastic black box with the finest woods and metals, creating the Atari 2600, and by Coleco, who created an even more beautiful machine known as the ColecoVision.
But Atari grew jealous of Coleco, and so he revised his Atari 2600, doubling its power and constructing the Atari 5200. And so, Magnavox hatched his final plot, unleashing the Odyssey^2 upon the world. And the Odyssey^2 ravaged the planet, drawing its dark power from the hatred between Atari and Coleco, spreading darkness and decay wherever it went. It was not until Coleco was vanquished by Odyssey^2 that Atari came to his senses.
"Brother," he said as he held Coleco in his arms, "thine light is fading... What have we become?"
And Coleco said, "We must not fall the way our brother Magnavox has. Ask God for forgiveness, and He will empower you.". And then, he died.
And so Atari raises his hands and asked God for forgiveness, and God said, "OK, but thou owes Me a game of Donkey Kong later for this." And so God gave Atari the password for high scores, and with it, Atari struck down Magnavox, giving him a Game Over and casting him into the depths of Hell forever. But with his last breath, Magnavox spread its taint to the Atari 5200, destroying it as well. With Magnavox destroyed and Atari's purity tarnished, a great silence fell across the world in 1983. Naive young SEGA gave to man his first craft, the SG-1000 during this silence. Mankind, however, would not accept this gift, and so SEGA returned, dejected, to his brother's side. The second day had ended.
On the third day, Nintendo finally completed his greatest project thus far. He called his creation the Famicom, which mankind was hesitant to embrace. Nintendo sought advice from God, who told Nintendo to think outside the box. God then gifted Nintendo with a small creature known to mortals as 'R.O.B.'. Nintendo understood God's plan, and had R.O.B. bring the Famicom to man. And mankind rejoiced at the sight of the lovable little robot and his grey, box-shaped system. The great prophet Shigeru Miyamoto called this device the 'Nintendo Entertainment System,' or the 'NES' for short. Nintendo was hesitant to accept the name, but God told him that Famicom sounded stupid, and so the name 'NES' remained.
SEGA was awed by his elder brother's creation, and so he created a system to complement it, which he called the Master System. SEGA sold this system for the same price as his brother's $199.99 system, but mankind favored Nintendo's system. SEGA, however, was persistent, and would not quit.
However, SEGA was quickly cast aside by Atari, who had reconstructed his original device and given it all his power, creating the Atari 7800. Atari had succumbed to jealousy again, and quickly overpowered both SEGA and Nintendo. But Nintendo refused to let himself be beaten, and he called to God for a miracle. And so, God said, "Me damn it, Atari, not again! That's it - I'm taking thine strongest warrior and giving him to Nintendo!" Atari screamed as his source of power - the legendary hero Mario - was ripped from his blackened heart. The red-clad warrior fought by Nintendo's side, whittling Atari away, until finally Nintendo used the Power Glove to punch Atari's lights out. And Mario counted to 10 and said "TKO!," and Nintendo emerged victorious. Mankind cheered for Nintendo and his hero, Mario, and God looked down on them with a smile. The third day had ended.
On the fourth day, SEGA refined his creation, creating the SEGA Genesis. And the Genesis gave rise to a warrior who would come to be both Mario's greatest enemy and later his closest ally: Sonic the Hedgehog. And the children of the world heralded Sonic as their new champion.
But Nintendo wouldn't succumb so easily, and so it was that he chose Shigeru Miyamoto as his advisor. And Miyamoto said, "Thine brother follows thine example - perhaps the time has come to reverse the roles." And Nintendo knew what needed to be done. He took Miyamoto under his wing and asked him to build a machine. And so Miyamoto did, using the powers granted by Nintendo to make the NES bigger and more powerful. He called it the 'Super NES,' or the 'SNES' for short. Inspired by Miyamoto's words and his will, Nintendo remembered his first creation, the Game & Watch, and he crafted it into the Game Boy.
As Nintendo and Miyamoto worked, disciples of Miyamoto tried to gain favor with God by creating CDTV's, Neo Geo's, and TurboGrafx-16's to complement the Genesis, and Watara Supervision's and TurboExpress's to complement the Game & Watch. And God said, "Uh... Looks good. I'll call you later and We'll work out a deal." And so they did as God ordered; God never called them back.
Then, Nintendo shared his SNES and Game Boy with the world, and mankind was enamored. The SNES and the Genesis reigned across the world, but neither could surpass the other.
Atari, however, still existed in the world, and he was not happy with his fall from grace, so he hatched a devious scheme: He introduced the Atari Lynx to compete against Nintendo's Game Boy and SEGA's newest contraption, the Game Gear. And so, while the three handhelds and the two consoles struggled for superiority, Atari called upon Magnavox's evil powers and planted the idea of VCD technology into the minds of Nintendo and SEGA. And so Nintendo created the Phillips CD-i, which Mario and Link beat him with and said, "GET THIS SHIT OUT OF HERE!!!". And so, Nintendo tried to make amends by reconstructing his Game Boy into the Game Boy Pocket. And mankind was pleased.
Whilst Nintendo had suffered some misfortunes, it was nothing compared to SEGA's problems: SEGA, inspired by the idea of VCD technology, created the SEGA CD from nothing, in the hopes of pulling a God. But God said, "I don't think so, girlfriend.," and He slapped a $300 price tag on the SEGA CD, which man was not happy with. And so, SEGA reconstructed the SEGA CD, creating the 32X. Mankind embraced this gift, but the Genesis did not get along with it, and so the Genesis curb-stomped it a mere six months later. Nintendo and SEGA were struggling, much to Atari's twisted delight. But God had one final trick up His sleeve... The fourth day had ended.
On the fifth day, God was displeased with Nintendo's and SEGA's failures, but He was even more displeased with Atari and His VCD trickery, and so He concocted a plan. He summoned his fifth and final angel - the angel named Sony - whom he sent to Earth.
On Earth, Miyamoto's disciples were once again attempting to make a quick buck, concocting such ideas as the Amiga CD32, the Bit Gamate, the Creatonic MegaDuck, the Tiger Game.com, the Neo Geo Pocket and CD, the Bandai Playdia and Wonderswan, the Apple Pippin, the Casio Loopy, the Sanyo 3D0... You get the idea. And God said, "That's it - everybody out!". And God smote all but his angels - including Atari.
And so, while God was trying His best to keep the divine market of video games clear, Atari took one final shot at glory, crafting the Atari Jaguar... from his only remaining lifeline, the Atari Lynx.
And so it was, that Atari released a 3-D console made from a handheld (Not really, but it may as well have been.). And Atari was scorned by mankind, and God saw this and said, "That's it, three strikes and thine ass is out.". And so God prepared to smite Atari, but Nintendo said to God, "Wait, my Lord! Atari has made mistakes in the past, but he is still one of us. Perhaps an agreement can be arranged so that he does not fall the same way that Magnavox did.".
And God said, "OK, fine. If he stops making consoles, he can work with you guys.".
And so Atari relinquished his seraphic power to Nintendo, SEGA, and the newcomer, Sony. And SEGA and Nintendo were promoted to the rank of archangel. SEGA attempted to use his newfound power to revive the 32X as the Neptune, but it didn't work. And so God gave SEGA the evil eye, and SEGA quickly reworked his Genesis into the SEGA Saturn and his Game Gear into the Nomad. Both were met with limited success, until Sony made his move, crafting the Playstation, which was meant to overshadow the Atari Jaguar. It instead did so to the SEGA Saturn.
And so God said to SEGA, "...Oops. My bad.". And SEGA sweatdropped.
Nintendo, meanwhile, used his newfound power to call Shigeru Miyamoto's greatest disciple, Metroid creator Gunpei Yokoi, to make a 3-D handheld console - the Virtual Boy. But it was so horrid that God smote Yokoi's car with a truck. Yokoi inspected the damage, only to get hit by a car himself. Yes, he fucked up THAT badly. Nintendo mourned the loss of the disciple Yokoi, resurrecting him as the Game Boy Light, which would later become the Game Boy Color. Both handhelds were cherished by mankind.
Later, Nintendo used his great power to craft the SNES into the Nintendo 64, which mankind loved. But the N64 quickly aged from cartridgitis, and eventually required the N64DD to play CD's in its stead. Nintendo and SEGA had faltered, but neither had been brought down... yet. The fifth day had ended.
On the sixth day, SEGA awoke early, inspiration striking the young angel. He added an Internet connection made by mortals to his SEGA Saturn, creating his greatest design: the legendary SEGA Dreamcast. Mankind hailed this brilliant blend of divine and mortal technology, which impressed God so much that He very nearly made SEGA a cherubim... But then, disaster struck.
Sony decided to follow SEGA's example, reformatting his Playstation into the Playstation 2. Mankind immediately shifted in favor of the PS2, and Nintendo soon adopted disc-based games into a major console at last, forming the Gamecube. But neither the Gamecube nor the Dreamcast could compare with the power of the PS2, and Nintendo was very nearly overpowered, but at the last moment, SEGA sacrificed himself, transferring his last ounce of power to his brother. Long rivals finally united, giving Nintendo the power he needed to survive. And God wiped His brow and said, "Jesus, that was close...".
And Jesus said, "Did you call me, Dad?".
And God pointed and said, "BACK TO YOUR ROOM, DAMN IT.".
And Jesus said, "Awww...", and returned to Heaven, sulking.
Back on Earth, SEGA's warrior Sonic wandered from console to console, in search of a new home. In the handheld field, he found a steady one in Nintendo's yet-again-refurbished Game Boy Advance, and later the Game Boy Advance SP. God was pleased with Nintendo's dominance in the handheld field, triumphing over such manmade novelties as the Nokia N-Gage, the Neo-Geo Color, the Tapwave Zodiac, and the Bandai Swan Crystal, but He said to Nintendo, "Stop naming them all Game Boy, it's getting old." And so Nintendo did so, but not before releasing one final novelty: The Game Boy Micro. As punishment for his disobedience, Nintendo was demoted to angel again, receiving a reduced pay of good games for his Gamecube.
Nintendo, though weakened, managed to compete with Sony on surprisingly even ground, but that changed when Western prophet and professional money-whore Bill Gates merged his Microsoft technology with the Dreamcast's online-video game capabilities, creating a semi-divine product that would come to be called the Xbox. The Xbox, along with its champion Master Chief, arrived in the midst of battle between the PS2 and the Gamecube. And Master Chief said, "Hello I am Master Chief. Lolololololololol." And Nintendo was stupefied by this strange new entity, which lead to Sony to sneak up on Nintendo and say, "Yoink!," taking Nintendo's success and running, leaving a baffled Nintendo and a less-than-concerned Microsoft in his wake. The sixth day had ended.
On the seventh day, Nintendo used his newfound knowledge gained from SEGA, Atari, and even Sony and Microsoft, and with it he redesigned his legendary Game Boy and released it at the crack of dawn. The newly-designed product would come to be known for its dual screens as the DS. Sony, however, wanted a handheld as well, and so he bought a DS from Nintendo for $149.99, broke it in half, and spray-painted one half black, thus resulting in the Playstation Portable, now known as the PSP. Nintendo later found the half Sony didn't use; angry at Sony, Nintendo folded that half in half itself and spray-painted it white, creating the DS Lite.
And Sony looked to his brother and said, "Oh yeah?!," and so he scraped the black paint off his PSP and hit it with a hammer, creating the PSP Slim & Lite.
And Nintendo looked back at his brother and said, "Oh yeah!," and crammed a camera into the DS, forming the DSi. Sony, never one to buckle, quickly installed a TV screen, a car battery, a cheese grater, and a stick of butter into the PSP Slim & Lite, creating the PSP-3000 - so named due to its inclusion of 3,000 new features it mostly did not need.
And God finally facepalmed and summoned his two angels and asked, "Why do you fight, My children?"
And Nintendo and Sony replied, "We wanna be better than Microsoft... OH, SHIT! WE FORGOT ABOUT MICROSOFT!"
And so God facepalmed again, showing the two angels what Microsoft had been up to during the two angels' absence:
At about the same time as the release of the DS Lite and the PSP Slim & Lite, Bill Gate realized that his two nemeses were paying him little heed. And so the manmade demidivinity known as Microsoft released his new product, the Xbox360, wholly unopposed. The Xbox360 was a box with 360 degrees, which went against God's laws. And God extended his wrath to the 360, cursing it to bear a mark of evil known as the Red Ring of Death. But Bill Gates had enough money to buy the rights to the Red Ring of Death, which he removed from half his consoles. And he said, "Better half than all. If thine 360 has the Red Ring, thou art screwed. Thou shalt need thine 360 replaced, which I shall do for a reasonable price." And mankind was not impressed, but with no direct competition and an army of Halo fanboys at his command, Bill Gates' tyranny went unopposed for over a year.
But after that year had passed, Nintendo and Sony returned from God's training, capable of using the Kaio-Ken and the Spirit Bomb. And so Sony used the Kaio-Ken x3 to amplify the Playstation 2's power level, creating the mighty Playstation 3, a shining black behemoth capable of turning the video discs of old into Blu-Ray discs. At the same time, Nintendo held the Gamecube aloft and cried out to the world, "Please, give me thine energy!" And so Nintendo fans, small children, senior citizens, and basement-dwelling nerds everywhere raised their hands, giving great power to the Gamecube, which glowed with a heavenly white light as it underwent its fourth transformation, creating a holy machine: the Wii. And everyone who had raised their hands now held in their hands new controllers. Wiimotes and Nunchuks, Wavebirds and Classic Controllers travelled across the globe, bringing mankind a joy it had never felt before.
And God looked down and smiled, seeing the Wii's innovation and the PS3's power, and so He extended His hands and made Sony an archangel and Nintendo a cheribum. When Sony asked God why He had made Nintendo a higher rank than him, God smiled and replied, "The Xbox360 is still outselling your machine, my child. Work on that and we'll talk."
Sony sulked, but he maintained his divine duties nonetheless, his minions Kratos, Solid Snake, and Sackboy earning global respect and bringing pride to the PS3. But Sony still swiped a patent from Nintendo and made a motion controller himself; the end result, called Lair, made Sony decide to cancel plans for future use of the motion-control, which he returned to Nintendo for future repackage in Wii Sports Resort.
Microsoft continued screwing people - including the writer of this book - out of money, maintaining success like only it can.
And Nintendo continued making Wii's, which he kept running out of, leading to massive backorders.
The race between the three demidivinities was close, and God looked upon it, pleased with his angels' results and unhappy with Microsoft's, but Bill Gates was too rich for even God to sue, so for a long while, there was a stalemate...
But then Steve Jobs - longtime rival to Gates - created the Apple iPhone, to which God responded, "That shit ain't a console - get the fuck out of here!"
Unfortunately, humanity was dumb enough to buy into the iPhone, anyway, and soon after, a handheld called 'Pandora' and a console called 'Zeebo' appeared from out of nowhere, and God threw up His hands and said, "Fuck this, I need a vacation.".
And so God rested on the seventh day.
THE END
Merry Finnsmas, Mikachu. And a Helsinki New Year.
~Blade
I was gonna do something Finnish, but since you did that yourself, I fell back on this - you made something that was 'you,' so I figured I might as well do the same.
DISCLAIMER: If you're an easily offended Catholic or Judaist, DEFINITELY X this page out now. Don't say you weren't warned.
THE BOOK OF SEGA GENESIS
A Biblical and Technological Satire by Blademaster
In the beginning, 61 years ago, God created the Heavens, the Earth, and the Cathode-Ray Tube Amusement Device.
The Cathode-Ray Tube Amusement Device brought light to our world, light made of a tiny missile that was moved by Etch-A-Sketch knobs. God looked at this light, and He saw that it was good.
But He soon grew tired of His game, and so He made others.... He made OXO and Tennis For Two, where he and Jesus would play tic-tac-toe day and night. But Jesus was a sore loser, and so God grounded his ass for 2000 years. And so it was, that without Jesus to play His games with Him, God decided to play with humans instead. And in seven days, God made video games as we know them.
On the first day, God created PONG for humans. And the humans rejoiced at the divine light of God's paddle and the angelic chorus of 'BMP....... BMP..... BMP-BMP....... BMP...... BMP-BMP...... BMP... BMP.....' But one archangel, who would come to be known as Magnavox, grew bored of PONG, and so he tried to create a better game. Magnavox created an imitation of God's light, and he added a pen and paper and a plastic gun, and called his creation the Odyssey, which he would sell for 100 U.S. dollars.
But this angered God, who sent forth a mighty seraphim known as 'Atari' to mortals. And Atari put God's gift of PONG into a black plastic box, which he would sell for $98.95, thus overcoming the Magnavox. But Magnavox had created a failsafe in his Odyssey: the extra life, which he used to revive his power and create his Odyssey 100 and 200. And Atari was overwhelmed by the 230 U.S. dollar price tag of these new creations.
Fortunately, God, in His infinite wisdom, had prepared for this: He summoned His second seraphim, Coleco, who descended with his Telstar. The Telstar featured new magic: the controller, which Coleco smited Magnavox with through means of strangulation, casting him down from Heaven for all eternity. The first day had ended.
On the second day, God sent two new beings to Earth. These beings were not seraphims as Atari and Coleco were, but rather wee baby angels, one of whom would one day rise to become the greatest of all angels. This was Nintendo and his infant brother, SEGA. Nintendo was powerful, but he was also young with a brother to tend, and so all he could bring to man was a tiny little white-and-red box called the Game & Watch: the first portable video game.
Meanwhile, Magnavox's dark influences continued to exist on Earth. Magnavox conjured many an unholy minion, including Milton Bradley, who crafted the Vectrex, and Mattel, who created the Intellivision. But all held back by Atari, who crafted his plastic black box with the finest woods and metals, creating the Atari 2600, and by Coleco, who created an even more beautiful machine known as the ColecoVision.
But Atari grew jealous of Coleco, and so he revised his Atari 2600, doubling its power and constructing the Atari 5200. And so, Magnavox hatched his final plot, unleashing the Odyssey^2 upon the world. And the Odyssey^2 ravaged the planet, drawing its dark power from the hatred between Atari and Coleco, spreading darkness and decay wherever it went. It was not until Coleco was vanquished by Odyssey^2 that Atari came to his senses.
"Brother," he said as he held Coleco in his arms, "thine light is fading... What have we become?"
And Coleco said, "We must not fall the way our brother Magnavox has. Ask God for forgiveness, and He will empower you.". And then, he died.
And so Atari raises his hands and asked God for forgiveness, and God said, "OK, but thou owes Me a game of Donkey Kong later for this." And so God gave Atari the password for high scores, and with it, Atari struck down Magnavox, giving him a Game Over and casting him into the depths of Hell forever. But with his last breath, Magnavox spread its taint to the Atari 5200, destroying it as well. With Magnavox destroyed and Atari's purity tarnished, a great silence fell across the world in 1983. Naive young SEGA gave to man his first craft, the SG-1000 during this silence. Mankind, however, would not accept this gift, and so SEGA returned, dejected, to his brother's side. The second day had ended.
On the third day, Nintendo finally completed his greatest project thus far. He called his creation the Famicom, which mankind was hesitant to embrace. Nintendo sought advice from God, who told Nintendo to think outside the box. God then gifted Nintendo with a small creature known to mortals as 'R.O.B.'. Nintendo understood God's plan, and had R.O.B. bring the Famicom to man. And mankind rejoiced at the sight of the lovable little robot and his grey, box-shaped system. The great prophet Shigeru Miyamoto called this device the 'Nintendo Entertainment System,' or the 'NES' for short. Nintendo was hesitant to accept the name, but God told him that Famicom sounded stupid, and so the name 'NES' remained.
SEGA was awed by his elder brother's creation, and so he created a system to complement it, which he called the Master System. SEGA sold this system for the same price as his brother's $199.99 system, but mankind favored Nintendo's system. SEGA, however, was persistent, and would not quit.
However, SEGA was quickly cast aside by Atari, who had reconstructed his original device and given it all his power, creating the Atari 7800. Atari had succumbed to jealousy again, and quickly overpowered both SEGA and Nintendo. But Nintendo refused to let himself be beaten, and he called to God for a miracle. And so, God said, "Me damn it, Atari, not again! That's it - I'm taking thine strongest warrior and giving him to Nintendo!" Atari screamed as his source of power - the legendary hero Mario - was ripped from his blackened heart. The red-clad warrior fought by Nintendo's side, whittling Atari away, until finally Nintendo used the Power Glove to punch Atari's lights out. And Mario counted to 10 and said "TKO!," and Nintendo emerged victorious. Mankind cheered for Nintendo and his hero, Mario, and God looked down on them with a smile. The third day had ended.
On the fourth day, SEGA refined his creation, creating the SEGA Genesis. And the Genesis gave rise to a warrior who would come to be both Mario's greatest enemy and later his closest ally: Sonic the Hedgehog. And the children of the world heralded Sonic as their new champion.
But Nintendo wouldn't succumb so easily, and so it was that he chose Shigeru Miyamoto as his advisor. And Miyamoto said, "Thine brother follows thine example - perhaps the time has come to reverse the roles." And Nintendo knew what needed to be done. He took Miyamoto under his wing and asked him to build a machine. And so Miyamoto did, using the powers granted by Nintendo to make the NES bigger and more powerful. He called it the 'Super NES,' or the 'SNES' for short. Inspired by Miyamoto's words and his will, Nintendo remembered his first creation, the Game & Watch, and he crafted it into the Game Boy.
As Nintendo and Miyamoto worked, disciples of Miyamoto tried to gain favor with God by creating CDTV's, Neo Geo's, and TurboGrafx-16's to complement the Genesis, and Watara Supervision's and TurboExpress's to complement the Game & Watch. And God said, "Uh... Looks good. I'll call you later and We'll work out a deal." And so they did as God ordered; God never called them back.
Then, Nintendo shared his SNES and Game Boy with the world, and mankind was enamored. The SNES and the Genesis reigned across the world, but neither could surpass the other.
Atari, however, still existed in the world, and he was not happy with his fall from grace, so he hatched a devious scheme: He introduced the Atari Lynx to compete against Nintendo's Game Boy and SEGA's newest contraption, the Game Gear. And so, while the three handhelds and the two consoles struggled for superiority, Atari called upon Magnavox's evil powers and planted the idea of VCD technology into the minds of Nintendo and SEGA. And so Nintendo created the Phillips CD-i, which Mario and Link beat him with and said, "GET THIS SHIT OUT OF HERE!!!". And so, Nintendo tried to make amends by reconstructing his Game Boy into the Game Boy Pocket. And mankind was pleased.
Whilst Nintendo had suffered some misfortunes, it was nothing compared to SEGA's problems: SEGA, inspired by the idea of VCD technology, created the SEGA CD from nothing, in the hopes of pulling a God. But God said, "I don't think so, girlfriend.," and He slapped a $300 price tag on the SEGA CD, which man was not happy with. And so, SEGA reconstructed the SEGA CD, creating the 32X. Mankind embraced this gift, but the Genesis did not get along with it, and so the Genesis curb-stomped it a mere six months later. Nintendo and SEGA were struggling, much to Atari's twisted delight. But God had one final trick up His sleeve... The fourth day had ended.
On the fifth day, God was displeased with Nintendo's and SEGA's failures, but He was even more displeased with Atari and His VCD trickery, and so He concocted a plan. He summoned his fifth and final angel - the angel named Sony - whom he sent to Earth.
On Earth, Miyamoto's disciples were once again attempting to make a quick buck, concocting such ideas as the Amiga CD32, the Bit Gamate, the Creatonic MegaDuck, the Tiger Game.com, the Neo Geo Pocket and CD, the Bandai Playdia and Wonderswan, the Apple Pippin, the Casio Loopy, the Sanyo 3D0... You get the idea. And God said, "That's it - everybody out!". And God smote all but his angels - including Atari.
And so, while God was trying His best to keep the divine market of video games clear, Atari took one final shot at glory, crafting the Atari Jaguar... from his only remaining lifeline, the Atari Lynx.
And so it was, that Atari released a 3-D console made from a handheld (Not really, but it may as well have been.). And Atari was scorned by mankind, and God saw this and said, "That's it, three strikes and thine ass is out.". And so God prepared to smite Atari, but Nintendo said to God, "Wait, my Lord! Atari has made mistakes in the past, but he is still one of us. Perhaps an agreement can be arranged so that he does not fall the same way that Magnavox did.".
And God said, "OK, fine. If he stops making consoles, he can work with you guys.".
And so Atari relinquished his seraphic power to Nintendo, SEGA, and the newcomer, Sony. And SEGA and Nintendo were promoted to the rank of archangel. SEGA attempted to use his newfound power to revive the 32X as the Neptune, but it didn't work. And so God gave SEGA the evil eye, and SEGA quickly reworked his Genesis into the SEGA Saturn and his Game Gear into the Nomad. Both were met with limited success, until Sony made his move, crafting the Playstation, which was meant to overshadow the Atari Jaguar. It instead did so to the SEGA Saturn.
And so God said to SEGA, "...Oops. My bad.". And SEGA sweatdropped.
Nintendo, meanwhile, used his newfound power to call Shigeru Miyamoto's greatest disciple, Metroid creator Gunpei Yokoi, to make a 3-D handheld console - the Virtual Boy. But it was so horrid that God smote Yokoi's car with a truck. Yokoi inspected the damage, only to get hit by a car himself. Yes, he fucked up THAT badly. Nintendo mourned the loss of the disciple Yokoi, resurrecting him as the Game Boy Light, which would later become the Game Boy Color. Both handhelds were cherished by mankind.
Later, Nintendo used his great power to craft the SNES into the Nintendo 64, which mankind loved. But the N64 quickly aged from cartridgitis, and eventually required the N64DD to play CD's in its stead. Nintendo and SEGA had faltered, but neither had been brought down... yet. The fifth day had ended.
On the sixth day, SEGA awoke early, inspiration striking the young angel. He added an Internet connection made by mortals to his SEGA Saturn, creating his greatest design: the legendary SEGA Dreamcast. Mankind hailed this brilliant blend of divine and mortal technology, which impressed God so much that He very nearly made SEGA a cherubim... But then, disaster struck.
Sony decided to follow SEGA's example, reformatting his Playstation into the Playstation 2. Mankind immediately shifted in favor of the PS2, and Nintendo soon adopted disc-based games into a major console at last, forming the Gamecube. But neither the Gamecube nor the Dreamcast could compare with the power of the PS2, and Nintendo was very nearly overpowered, but at the last moment, SEGA sacrificed himself, transferring his last ounce of power to his brother. Long rivals finally united, giving Nintendo the power he needed to survive. And God wiped His brow and said, "Jesus, that was close...".
And Jesus said, "Did you call me, Dad?".
And God pointed and said, "BACK TO YOUR ROOM, DAMN IT.".
And Jesus said, "Awww...", and returned to Heaven, sulking.
Back on Earth, SEGA's warrior Sonic wandered from console to console, in search of a new home. In the handheld field, he found a steady one in Nintendo's yet-again-refurbished Game Boy Advance, and later the Game Boy Advance SP. God was pleased with Nintendo's dominance in the handheld field, triumphing over such manmade novelties as the Nokia N-Gage, the Neo-Geo Color, the Tapwave Zodiac, and the Bandai Swan Crystal, but He said to Nintendo, "Stop naming them all Game Boy, it's getting old." And so Nintendo did so, but not before releasing one final novelty: The Game Boy Micro. As punishment for his disobedience, Nintendo was demoted to angel again, receiving a reduced pay of good games for his Gamecube.
Nintendo, though weakened, managed to compete with Sony on surprisingly even ground, but that changed when Western prophet and professional money-whore Bill Gates merged his Microsoft technology with the Dreamcast's online-video game capabilities, creating a semi-divine product that would come to be called the Xbox. The Xbox, along with its champion Master Chief, arrived in the midst of battle between the PS2 and the Gamecube. And Master Chief said, "Hello I am Master Chief. Lolololololololol." And Nintendo was stupefied by this strange new entity, which lead to Sony to sneak up on Nintendo and say, "Yoink!," taking Nintendo's success and running, leaving a baffled Nintendo and a less-than-concerned Microsoft in his wake. The sixth day had ended.
On the seventh day, Nintendo used his newfound knowledge gained from SEGA, Atari, and even Sony and Microsoft, and with it he redesigned his legendary Game Boy and released it at the crack of dawn. The newly-designed product would come to be known for its dual screens as the DS. Sony, however, wanted a handheld as well, and so he bought a DS from Nintendo for $149.99, broke it in half, and spray-painted one half black, thus resulting in the Playstation Portable, now known as the PSP. Nintendo later found the half Sony didn't use; angry at Sony, Nintendo folded that half in half itself and spray-painted it white, creating the DS Lite.
And Sony looked to his brother and said, "Oh yeah?!," and so he scraped the black paint off his PSP and hit it with a hammer, creating the PSP Slim & Lite.
And Nintendo looked back at his brother and said, "Oh yeah!," and crammed a camera into the DS, forming the DSi. Sony, never one to buckle, quickly installed a TV screen, a car battery, a cheese grater, and a stick of butter into the PSP Slim & Lite, creating the PSP-3000 - so named due to its inclusion of 3,000 new features it mostly did not need.
And God finally facepalmed and summoned his two angels and asked, "Why do you fight, My children?"
And Nintendo and Sony replied, "We wanna be better than Microsoft... OH, SHIT! WE FORGOT ABOUT MICROSOFT!"
And so God facepalmed again, showing the two angels what Microsoft had been up to during the two angels' absence:
At about the same time as the release of the DS Lite and the PSP Slim & Lite, Bill Gate realized that his two nemeses were paying him little heed. And so the manmade demidivinity known as Microsoft released his new product, the Xbox360, wholly unopposed. The Xbox360 was a box with 360 degrees, which went against God's laws. And God extended his wrath to the 360, cursing it to bear a mark of evil known as the Red Ring of Death. But Bill Gates had enough money to buy the rights to the Red Ring of Death, which he removed from half his consoles. And he said, "Better half than all. If thine 360 has the Red Ring, thou art screwed. Thou shalt need thine 360 replaced, which I shall do for a reasonable price." And mankind was not impressed, but with no direct competition and an army of Halo fanboys at his command, Bill Gates' tyranny went unopposed for over a year.
But after that year had passed, Nintendo and Sony returned from God's training, capable of using the Kaio-Ken and the Spirit Bomb. And so Sony used the Kaio-Ken x3 to amplify the Playstation 2's power level, creating the mighty Playstation 3, a shining black behemoth capable of turning the video discs of old into Blu-Ray discs. At the same time, Nintendo held the Gamecube aloft and cried out to the world, "Please, give me thine energy!" And so Nintendo fans, small children, senior citizens, and basement-dwelling nerds everywhere raised their hands, giving great power to the Gamecube, which glowed with a heavenly white light as it underwent its fourth transformation, creating a holy machine: the Wii. And everyone who had raised their hands now held in their hands new controllers. Wiimotes and Nunchuks, Wavebirds and Classic Controllers travelled across the globe, bringing mankind a joy it had never felt before.
And God looked down and smiled, seeing the Wii's innovation and the PS3's power, and so He extended His hands and made Sony an archangel and Nintendo a cheribum. When Sony asked God why He had made Nintendo a higher rank than him, God smiled and replied, "The Xbox360 is still outselling your machine, my child. Work on that and we'll talk."
Sony sulked, but he maintained his divine duties nonetheless, his minions Kratos, Solid Snake, and Sackboy earning global respect and bringing pride to the PS3. But Sony still swiped a patent from Nintendo and made a motion controller himself; the end result, called Lair, made Sony decide to cancel plans for future use of the motion-control, which he returned to Nintendo for future repackage in Wii Sports Resort.
Microsoft continued screwing people - including the writer of this book - out of money, maintaining success like only it can.
And Nintendo continued making Wii's, which he kept running out of, leading to massive backorders.
The race between the three demidivinities was close, and God looked upon it, pleased with his angels' results and unhappy with Microsoft's, but Bill Gates was too rich for even God to sue, so for a long while, there was a stalemate...
But then Steve Jobs - longtime rival to Gates - created the Apple iPhone, to which God responded, "That shit ain't a console - get the fuck out of here!"
Unfortunately, humanity was dumb enough to buy into the iPhone, anyway, and soon after, a handheld called 'Pandora' and a console called 'Zeebo' appeared from out of nowhere, and God threw up His hands and said, "Fuck this, I need a vacation.".
And so God rested on the seventh day.
THE END
Merry Finnsmas, Mikachu. And a Helsinki New Year.
~Blade