Ruby & Sapphire:Twin Legends( !REVISED!)

[mr_pikachu]

Okay, it didn't seem like there was too much of a difference from the original. Remember, look out for homonyms! You're putting the wrong one in a situation too many times. This may sound harsh, but you might want to take down a list of homonyms, and each time you need to use one, you should look it up first to make sure you're using the right form. Believe me, I only want your writing to improve. That's why I'm telling you this. And for crying out loud, SLOW DOWN! You were going too fast with the original copy, and now you want to speed up? Think about it this way: There are bunches of fics that have already been established. They have been established because they took it slow and allowed readers to get settled in with them while keeping up with the fic that were established before them. Now you need to follow the same example. Slow it down, and readers that are already reading other fics may just take the time to read yours as well. I didn't even read Chapters 2 & 3 this time because I have other things I have to take care of. Even if you can write that quickly, it doesn't do any good if you have no readers. And besides, you can always make your writing better. As a very famous person once said, "Great works are never completed. They are only abandoned." That means that you can always improve on something, no matter how good it may look. Good luck, and keep on writing! ...Only slower. :D And if you don't think there's any way you can improve a chapter, but you posted the previous chapter the day before or something, get a jump-start on the next one. After all, you never know when life will get in the way of your writing. :D See ya! :wave:

[Deathman]

That was a good chapter. You obviously put a lot more effort into it than you did the others and the result was nice. You still have a few spelling and grammer mistakes here and there, but they don't detract much from the story. Another thing is sometimes you overuse words like 'and' in sentences.

I'm intrested to find out what happened to Daylena, though I'm guessing she's gone to wherever all the other children are, wherever that is :rolleyes:

[Deathman]

That was a good chapter too. Your description has gotten a lot better. One thing you need to change is when somebody talks you put a space before the closing quotation mark, that space shouldn't be there.

[DannyBoy]

Ok, I do see a little improvement in this but still I think you should take your time on re-writing these. I see that you posted the first 3 chapters again right in a row pretty much and I think if you just posted the first one and took so more time on writing the 2nd one and the 3rd...it would be even better. But it does look a little better. Ok not much to say since I read them before and skimmed through these to see the change. I really think for Chapter 5 you could have spent more time on this one to make it longer. I know chapters that envole catching can be hard but you could add a back story into it about the pokemon or have it keep running away from you, or since Skitty it is a cat you could have it where you saved it in a tree or from a wild pokemon like Pochyenna or Houndour...you get what I am saying. Just look around at other fics or watch TV and you can get some great ideas on how to make your chapter more intresting and longer. Keep it up!

[DannyBoy]

Ok, I see a slight differance and with what I want to say please dont be offended. You have a intresting story and when you re-did it you could have changed it all around. Instead of you saying, I know its short yyou could have stayed with the same topic and extended it. I am not saying re write it but take some parts out and make it longer than saying the next will be longer. With your ideas I bet you could make it long. I am not saying re do it but I forgot how many chapters you had done but if you still have some from before sit and say like, I want this to be long and I dont wnat to stop till it is. Describe anything you possibly can like where you are could add a good deal of length, what the pokemon look like, attacks, people, personalitys, and just little things like that. Again I am not saying re do it again but use this and take time writing chapters. If you look around people here take days or even a week to writea chapter so they know it is good. I hope this helps you some. Keep it up!

[mr_pikachu]

Okay, I basically just skimmed through this chapter since I've read it before, but I did notice a few things. First of all, when a trainer calls out his Pokemon's name and then a command, there should be a comma separating the two. For example: "Linoone mud sport," should be "Linoone, mud sport," or "Linoone, use mud sport!" or something like that. Also notice that there is always punctuation at the end of a quotation like that. For questions and exclamations, just use question marks and exclamation marks, respectively. For normal sentences, this is how you do it:


Say you want to continue after the sentence. Look at this example.

“You two are powerful trainers; I'm sure you will succeed in the future,” Norman said smiling.

Notice that there is a comma at the end of the quote, since you are continuing the sentence beyond that.


Now let's break it off at the quote.

“You two are powerful trainers; I'm sure you will succeed in the future.”

Since you're not saying anything after the quote to continue the sentence, you end with a period. Also, you may notice that I've taken the liberty of correcting a few punctuation errors that were mixed in that sentence, which are scattered throughout the chapter. Don't worry, it'll get easier! I agree with IloveX-TINA that many of these chapters could use some time for a re-work. I frequently take a week to post a new chapter, so you shouldn't feel like you need to rush at all. Heck, I've seen fics that have gone un-updated for an entire month before starting back up! Does that mean that those are bad fics? Absolutely not. What it does mean is that the writer had the sense to take all the time that he/she felt she needed. Keep that in mind as you continue! Good luck, and keep writing! :wave:

[Happy Hoppip]

ok BAD speed . i dont want this to take years . do it a your old pace that you did in teh UN-revised ok . apart from that ,as i have said millions of times GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
!

[mr_pikachu]

Okay, I just skimmed over this (since I've read this before), and you still need to work on homonyms and punctuation, from what I've seen so far. Most of your spelling problems involve using the incorrect homonym for a situation, which is a common problem (often referred to by me as "homonym switching"). Don't worry, you'll get it!

And HH, um, your last post could very easily be construed as an insult. Someone could think you were trying to say that Mancetric_Trainer couldn't do it on his/her own. (Not sure about your gender, M_T... sorry...) I know that isn't what you meant, but be careful in the future. You're setting yourself up to make enemies, rather than good friends. I know you have good intentions at heart, but I just want to warn you to watch out for things like that.

[Powarun]

Okay, I would just like to comment one part of me is I am hyper in the mind.

This fic is going well, the trio of trainers are made okay, a set of twins, somehting that I personally think is a neat idea. And then the guy inviting a girl he likes to the team is okay, witht eh sister hating her. Hey mistakes happen Daylena and consider yourself lucky that a girl would not move out of the way but would rahter run over your foot.

And now with the bad stuff that would only make the fic better. SPelling and commas I am okay with, I can read it it makes sense, grammar is well. What needs work is pokemon development. Really, you gave Plusle and Minun a personality just liek Dave's and Daylena, but not much to the the other pokemon, Poochyna has little, but I really haven't seen a pokemon that had a distinct personality. They are main characters too. All and all this is a good fic, and I have been sorta just been reading it here and there and today I finally read it all, again.

[mr_pikachu]

Okay, once again, work on grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc, etc. I agree with Powarun that the other Pokemon could use some more development, but I would probably try to focus on the other things first. That's just my opinion, though. Either way, if you put some time into it, it'll make the fic better. Anyway, in any case, you should edit these before you post. I'm sorry, but the numerous typos just don't look very good. I know you've got the skills to make it look much better, all you've got to do is take the time to do it.

The prospect of trouble made the last cliffhanger interesting, though I bet I could guess who it will be if you gave me three tries. *wink* Anyway, originality is always good. I'll leave you on that thought. Remember, take the time to edit! See ya! :wave:

[mr_pikachu]

The description in this chapter was better than most of the ones preceding it. Yes, the part at the end was a bit anime-ish, but it's definitely an improvement. It's nice to see you're taking your time and thinking these things out before commiting them onto the forum. There were still the same homonym problems, but they don't look so bad now that the fic is more than just simple emotions and dialogue. Adding description can change the entire fic. :yes::yes::yes: Keep on writing! :wave:

[Powarun]

wound = wood right? If it does that was probally the worst spelling mistake i have seen in this fic. The MIlitioc seemed to be a pokemon with the power of anti depressents, in two ways, it would not let the ship sink where the water pressure would depress the shipwreck into a huge mess of wood, and its calming nature.

That greedy b-stard, he should have been frozen to death, he was messing with nature. Well keep it up, and what country do you live in, I want to say Australia for how late your posting hours are, yet this does not seem like a fic written by an Aussie

[unregistered user]

Nice fic, needs some spelling work, that mistake that Powarun found is indeed sad. There seems to be a good plot, two twins going out together, and I think your sig may have a spoiler to it. Well keep up the good work, um, I have stuff to do now.

[Powarun]

I just sent you a Pm, on the character. Oh, and here is some help, try to plan future chapter ahead, like write down stuff and try to follow it. Or just write several chapters but post them once a week. I really thinkl you are going somewhere with this I want you to keep it up.:yes:

[DannyBoy]

That was a good chapter, I can also see that you are getting better and I hope you keep getting better. I agree with Mr. Pika with it ebing a little animeish with them not catching the Miliotic because it has meaning. Length and description got better. Keep on improving and Keep it up!

Also I will sign up to be in your fic,

Name: Justin

Age: 15

Gender: Male

Pokemon: Shiny Poliwhirl, Kecleon, and Houndour

Personality: Nice person to people and pokemon, skilled trainer, serious in battles, and is tough.

Appearance: 5'7, black hair, brown eyes, white shirt, and blue jeans.

Can't wait to see how I am in the fic!

[mr_pikachu]

Actually, I was talking about the canoe racing off at the speed of light...


Note: Character is not me.


Name: Ann

Age: Same as the twins (not sure how old they were; is 10 right?)

Gender: Female (a male Ann would be scary...)

Pokemon: Abra, Ledyba

Personality: Happy-go-lucky at times, but can be dead serious on other occasions. Seems to randomly switch back and forth... mutliple personalities?

Appearance: Tall for her age, long, flowing black hair, cute face, blue eyes, red shirt, blue shorts, small black tennis shoes.


Let's see how this works out!

[mr_pikachu]

Erm... that's not quite what people with multiple personalites do... but hey, it worked, so I'm not complaining. I'm glad Jo caught a new Pokemon, though I'm not so sure the battle with the Tropius was believable. For one thing, if a quick attack doesn't have any damaging effects, then I seriously doubt a tail whip would be any better. And not every Pokemon is the opposite gender of Skitty, you know! Attract won't work every time! Also, not every trainer should say, "Oh yea and I'm (insert name here)." You seem to be introducing just about everyone that way. Try mixing it up a little! One more thing, don't just include battles for the heck of it. Every chapter should serve some purpose or another, other than for a battle. In this case, your only purposes seemed to be to have Wingull evolve, and for Jo to catch a Shiny Tropius. But logically, couldn't you have had Wingull evolve IN the battle with the Tropius? In essence, you had the battle just for the heck of it. In a good fic, almost every person serves some important purpose. Nevertheless, this was a good chapter. Keep working on those things (as well as spelling and punctuation), and you should be fine. See ya! :wave:

P.S. In your username, did you mean to put "Manectric_Trainer"? Or are the "e" and "c" switched on purpose? Just checking; I was curious about that.

[rlowerr]

Hey I just wanted to say that you got a nice story going here. I don’t much care about the grammar and stuff because it is still very easy to read and understand. I just have two problems with the story. I wasn’t too happy with the start of it. It just seemed to start with no real background about the twins or their family/relationship. And the other thing was the battle with Skitty and Tropius. I don’t know, I just couldn’t imagine a little Skitty being able to do anything against a Tropius.

But putting that aside this is a very nice story. It is easy and fun to read.

And just to let you know I PMed you a character idea.

[mr_pikachu]

Interesting chapter; I wonder if we'll see the thief again. Also, the relationship between Daylena and Jo seems to be getting continually worse, and Dave's caught in the middle... poor guy!

Again, work on your grammar and homonym switches, as well as punctuation. There were a few cases where I couldn't even tell what words you meant to use, since the words that were there didn't even make sense as incorrect homonyms. Take your time! We realize you can't write 24/7, so we don't expect you to toss out another chapter every day or two! Besides, I'm having trouble keeping up with this while watching the other fics! Well, I'm done griping. ;) See ya later! :wave:

[DannyBoy]

That was a ok chapter, it had a little action in it with the robbers. I think you could have done more with the museum because they seena few things then were attacked but thats my opinion. The battle between the pokemon was good but when a pokemon comes out, describe what the pokemon looks like, to me it makes it more intresting because not all pokemon look alike. Don't worry about not posting in a while. Its the beginning of school for most of us and we all got lots of work to do. Just take your time, keep it up!

[DannyBoy]

That was a good chapter, had some action in it. I liked the idea of the 3 guys that look alike. The fight in the pokemon center was funny and the Poocheyna evolved and that was cool. You could have been a little more descriptive on the evolution IMO but it was good. I can see you are getting better though at writing. I noticed some grammer and spelling errors but it was still good. Keep it up!

[mr_pikachu]

Okay, you really need to work on your homonyms and grammar. There were numerous homonym switches, and the grammar was frequently flawed. Also, at one point you called Wattson Norman, which doesn't make sense. Remember to edit these chapters before you post them, and try learning some of the different homonyms and how they are meant to be used.

Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh, but I've had a bad day, week, and month. Nevertheless, you do need some work on those things.

[DannyBoy]

That was an ok chapter. The gym battle was ok, it was lengthy and it was described ok. I noticed some spelling errors like,



“Where were yo,”

That should be "Where were you,” That was just a little one but it was right in the beginning. Also I noticed some grammar mistakes,


“Daylena where have you been?!”

It should be, "Dayleane, where have you been,"

Just little things like that need to be fixed. Also some of the pokemons names aren’t capitalized. When ever you type a pokemon name it should be capitalized. But other than the little mistakes I thought it was ok for a gym battle! Keep it up!

[Shuppet Master]

I think that was a great chapter. I read it on Serebii's forums,so I didn't give a full reading of it here. The whole Regirock tomb thing and the message(which is the same as the game) was cool.

And duh! They couldn't open it! They hadn't reached the underwater Sealed Chamber yet and used Wailord and Relicanth to open the doors yet! :p

Can't wait for more! :)

[Venasaur89]

Hi, nice fic! It's really different..I never heard of "twins" going out on a journey, thats a good thing. Also, that was good that the twins didn't get their pokemon from Birch...I read the first 2 chaps, and no offense to you, but there were several grammer errors. I agree with Mr. Pikachu, that you are using the wrong homonyms. Also, sometimes you switch the words to a different tense, which really annoys me. Write your story in the present tense/ I really liked the way you describe the battles. But, you didn't described how the twins looked like. I am very curious about the differences and similarities between the twins. As Mr. Pikachu said, slow down with your chapter. ALmost every reader out here is a author of a fic...and we have to read other fics too. so, post one or two chapters a week. Keep it original.

Keep it up!

I'll read the rest when I'll get some free time.

P.S> Read my story too!:D