Dear TPM,

[Magmar]

Hello all! :)

I really need to vent right now. Back in the day I would have turned to livejournal or some crap like that, but I deleted it long ago. I'm really nervous and scared, and just need to acknowledge it to someone--just to let someone know, hey, I'm human, and experiencing real human emotion right now, and quite frankly I am terrified..

My grandmother (read: my mother) is having some very invasive heart surgery first thing tomorrow morning. There is a chance, albeit small, that she will not survive or will take a stroke or something awful. I've been just keeping it in, coping, doing all I can to get through each day with all the resources I can muster. But right now, I'm so scared, and I can't imagine my life if something were to happen to her after this surgery.

She has this tachycardia issue that's most likely a complication of her lupus. At 75 years old, this is a scary thing to have. Sometimes she will be sitting and watching tranquil television, and her heart rate will rush to 280+ beats per minute. We don't know what's precisely causing it, and her surgery tomorrow is intended to find out what the cause is. They have to trigger an episode via an invasive surgery, and then try to repair her problem. I don't feel good about this. I'm scared in all honesty, truly terrified, because if something were to happen to her, I'd literally be all alone, left without any family structure, truly on my own.

I need her. I need her to get through this, to emerge as strong as only the Grandma I know can. I just ask of you, my friends at TPM, to please keep her in your thoughts/prayers tomorrow morning, today, whenever it is where you are. I need you to do this for me, TPM.

You guys have treated me like family for many years and the hospitality I have encountered when meeting many of you tells me this is true. I might need you more than ever. You are all amazing and inspire me. Please just keep this in mind. I'm really hurting right now, more than I've ever hurt before, and what I need is friends, because if I am left without any family, all I will have is my friends.

Please, Gabi, Gus, Becki, Jeff, Kirsten and the rest of you amazing people, think of me tonight and tomorrow morning, think of the amazing woman who made me into the man I am today, and if you still have her in your life--call your mom. You don't know when it will be the last time.

Wishing you all the very best...

Xoxoxoxo Magmar

[Shadow Wolf]

Well, I know I may not be a close friend; and I also know that I usually chose my words wrong, but even so, I want to send my best hopes for both you and your grandma. You can be sure that this midget will be sending his hopes and best wishes to help.

[Asilynne]

Praying for you and her Barry <3 as someone who is guilty of the same thing, don't be afraid to lean on us, thats what we are here for. We are your giant dysfunctional extended family and we all love you :) dont forget that! Since the day I met you, just how kindand the amazing person you are made me want to look out for you, and I know I'm not the only one. Anytime you need me let me know and i'll be sure to make you breakfast again :)
Your big sis,
Asi :>

[mattbcl]

Prayers and well wishes for both you and your Grandma, man.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

You must be having hard time. Magmar, you and your grandmother are in our thoughts.

[shazza]

Barry, you are an exceptionally compassionate, astute and strong human being. I have no doubt whatever happens – this may seem entirely fictitious right now – you will make it through this. The sad part of life is that nothing lasts forever: not circumstances, not loved ones, and not yourselves. And when we no longer take that for granted, and understand that change is one in the same as life, it becomes easier – some days anyway – to appreciate the small things in life; they are priceless. I am sure your Grandmother is very proud of you.

My Grandmother is currently 89 and her Parkinson’s has really taken a toll on her, almost unable to walk. She’s recently on new medication, and from what I’ve seen, seems to be a rather intense dopamine agonist acting drug. However concurrently she’s on morphine, so it’s odd to witness her in this clouded alertness. Also, as you may know, I lost my mother at the age of 12, and I cannot begin to articulate the heartache and journey I’ve endured up until this day.

Just remember you are stronger than you realise.

[Lady Vulpix]

While it's true that no one lives forever, that doesn't mean her time has come. I will be thinking of you, Barry, and I hope that the surgery goes well and she can recover smoothly.

[Oslo]

Sending my sympathies and positive thoughts your way!

[Jeff]

Hopes and dreams, Barry. Hopes and dreams.

All the best to her.

[Gavin Luper]

Barry - Thoughts are with you and your grandma mate. Hoping all works out for the best.

[Dark Sage]

As someone who has been through this before, all I can say is, stay strong. Don't lose faith. No matter what anyone tells you, a little faith can go a long way.

[Blademaster]

My grandmother (read: my mother)

What.

Anyway, stay strong. Don't get scared.

No, wait. I always fuck that up. Get scared, yeah, but muscle through it. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. I should really watch more TTGL so I can make better speeches like this.

Or you can look at this:

http://seangstmthefortressofsolitude.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/4f08_hang_in_there.jpg

^That always works.

[Dark Sage]

Blade, I think that Magmar means that his grandmother is his legal guardian. That would make her his parent, and mother in all but name.

[Magmar]

When my parents ditched me and moved across the country while I was still in high school, my grandma supported me :)

She came out of the surgery and they fixed some of the problems. Things are looking up! Thank you all so much for the support, you're all amazing :)

[Blademaster]

Yes we are. Ain't you glad we let you hang out with us? :cool:

[Heald]

Sorry I haven't replied sooner, haven't been checking TPM as regularly as I used to.

Anyway, sounds like the surgery went ok, hopefully things will keep getting better.

Thinking of you Barry :) xx

[Asilynne]

YAY Hopes and Dreams!! Thats good to hear :)

[Magmar]

HOPES AND DREAMS HOES! <3

[Lady Vulpix]

I'm so glad to hear that! :hug:

Hopes and dreams from me too, since that seems to have become the theme here.

[Jeff]

That's very good news! It reminds me of when my grandfather went through a similar thing a few years ago. He had a sudden heart attack and had to get emergency surgery, which he was given a slim chance of surviving, but he pulled through. For the record, he's still alive and well today.:) Miracles do happen.

[Telume]

I wish her a speedy recovery and hope that all goes well. :<

[midnightangel]

Lighting a healing candle and a wish for a speedy recovery for your grandmother, Magmar. *hugs* ;)