I need your advice, TPM

[ChobiChibi]

Oh god I feel pathetic posting this. I just thought that after 10 years of being here, you guys are the only people I can talk to without it coming back to haunt me irl.

I have boyfriend issues. And not the kind of "he's really annoying when he does this" kind of issues. The kind where I honestly don't know what I should do.

I've been with him for 6 years, and we moved in together (with other people too) last August. We rarely argue, and if we do it's about something trivial that we can agree to disagree on, and accept that and move on.

We had disagreement like this on Tuesday. I've learnt not to let him walk all over me in these kinda disagreements, because I end up really bitter when it's better to tell him my opinion. He asked me to stop talking about it, so I did (we didn't really talk about it for long anyway), and tried to go on as normal.

When we got home, he went straight up stairs, and I thought "oh, he must still be annoyed, I'll let him cool off for a bit", but then he comes back with a few things, says "Becki I don't think I can be with you anymore, I'm going to stay at (friend)'s house" and leaves me.

He phones our friend who is staying with us this week, tells him he needs some space, and to look after me.

So I spend the night wondering what the fuck I'd done wrong. Cos I honestly had no idea. I maybe got 3 hours sleep, if that? Too shocked, too angry that he wouldn't just talk to me about it.

I went to work the next day, having mentally prepared myself to just get on with my day and stopped crying, when he texts me when I'm about to get on the train. He says can we have a chat tonight. I said yes, because I'd like to know what I've done wrong. He says I haven't done anything wrong, that it's him and not me, and hopes I'm okay. I was furious at this. Because I was doing okay until he messaged me, so I tell him I'm not okay. He says he's sorry, and he didn't mean to hurt me, but we'll talk when he gets home.

We talk and we cry (I have never seen him cry that much ever). In brief, because I can't rememeber the whole conversation:
- he's not in love with me anymore, but he loves me
- he doesn't think he can be with me anymore, but he can't imagine being without me
- he doesn't want to hurt me years down the line when he's still not happy (he wants to travel with his music)
- he's not happy, but I make him happy
- he feels like he has to see me all the time, and can't be social, even though I've never stopped him going out and seeing his friends (because I loathe the idea of being that controlling girlfriend type)
- he wants to "try and make it work", and I'm dumbfounded, because if I've not done anything wrong by his own admission, how am I supposed to change anything to make it work?

He did stay last night, which was good. But I'm laying here now wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do? I want to marry this man, and I'm so willing to wait for him to wonder around Europe doing music things until he's ready to come back, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make it better? He doesn't want to hurt me, but he has and is because I still feel like I'm some kind of burden on him and I'm a chore he has to deal with on a daily basis.

So any words of wisdom would be great. Because I have no fucking idea what to do.

Ilu TPM <3

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Take some distance. Maybe you can return together later.

I don't know so much about these things, never had a real girlfriend. Be strong!

[Perfect Chaos]

Becki,

You're a wonderfully awesome, sweet, caring, smart and remarkable person. I think it's amazing that you two have been together for as long as you have so far.

But I agree with Mikachu, you should probably give some time and some distance between yourselves so that you both can gather your thoughts about your relationship and how it could possibly be mended.

He's obviously conflicted with how he feels about you and what he wants in the relationship. But I think he's full of crap for saying that you've done nothing wrong in the relationship but he's suddenly not having the same feelings for you as before.

Take some time off from him too and give him space as well. They say time and distance makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe it'll work the same with him when he realizes what he's been missing when you're not around him as often in his life.

If you ever need to talk some more, you know where to find me.

Love ya babes

-Sean

[Blademaster]

Oh god I feel pathetic posting this.

WELCOME TO TPM!


he's not in love with me anymore, but he loves me

Translation: He's scared of going forward.

People get too scared of relationships these days. They think they HAVE to get into a relationship, they HAVE to get married and stay together, etc etc etc.... Yeah, nah. Not true at all. I say just keep it simple. Go day by day, but with an air of caution, and you should avoid 99.99% of life's problems.

Or he might be a schizo. Either way, 'Keep calm and carry on.' is the best advice I can offer.

[classy_cat18]

We talk and we cry (I have never seen him cry that much ever). In brief, because I can't rememeber the whole conversation:
- he's not in love with me anymore, but he loves me
- he doesn't think he can be with me anymore, but he can't imagine being without me
- he doesn't want to hurt me years down the line when he's still not happy (he wants to travel with his music)
- he's not happy, but I make him happy
- he feels like he has to see me all the time, and can't be social, even though I've never stopped him going out and seeing his friends (because I loathe the idea of being that controlling girlfriend type)
- he wants to "try and make it work", and I'm dumbfounded, because if I've not done anything wrong by his own admission, how am I supposed to change anything to make it work?

...He seems like the kind of person who has trouble describing how he feels. I can kinda relate to him.

Well, if he needs his distance, it will give him the time to sort his feelings out. But maybe send little messages back and forth, keep in touch.

[MeLoVeGhOsTs]

Yup, let him go for now, but don't fall into the trap where you wait for him you're entire life (or while he's traveling Europe) and then expect everything to fall in place again. It might, but just don't get your hopes up, cuz in these kind of situations it mostly never happens. To state it very cruel, I think he might just want to experience some new things. Maybe have another girl, or whatever. Cuz I can get that he loves you, but he's honestly afraid I think to commit to someone for the rest of his life. You're stating right now that you wanna marry him, I just think he's not in that phase yet and that scares him off cuz he knows that you are in that phase. Whilst you're actually totally cool, non controlling and just letting him do cuz you love him. He knows that, and that scares him, and yet he doesn't feel like hurting you cuz he still loves you. Not sure if that made any sense, though..

It's like he says: it's not you, it's him.

[mattbcl]

While I'm trying my best to understand both of your perspectives, I really don't like the way he went about all this. I've had my share of times when I've stormed out because of an argument I was having with my girlfriend (those arguments have been known to be anywhere between epic and mundane), but it has never once occurred to me at any of those times to simply bail on her like that. I think it's rude and unfair and needlessly painful.

Having said all that, it sounds to me like he's freaking out because he's not sure what he wants. And until he knows what that is, he's not going to be taking your relationship any further forward. Like MLG said, it seems he may be scared of throwing himself into the lifetime commitment of marriage... he just may not be prepared yet.

So let him be where he needs to be and do what he needs to do, but don't let him keep you on the hook for too long. I can attest from personal experience that absence does make the heart grow fonder, so if you and he are apart for a while, he may come to his senses and realize that you're worth holding onto. And if he doesn't, that's more his loss than yours. Whether it's with him or not, you deserve the companionship of someone who will honestly love you and make every effort to see you happy.

[ChobiChibi]

Oh, I don't mean marry him right this second. Although, what you say does make sense. I don't mention it, because... Well, whenever we hear about people getting engaged, he says "don't get any ideas Hudd". I don't? Reading what I said, it does make me seem like I'm desperate to get married >> honestly, I'm not. I'm too busy being a Uni person.

When I posted this morning, I hadn't spent any time with him since. Things are okay. They're not the same, I'm not gonna trick myself into thinking they are. I'm struggling to know how much to communicate with him. Cos he never texts first anyway. But things are okay?

But thank you for your honesty. I probably shoulda said he's going home to work on Tuesday, so there will be a literal distance between us. But yeah...

[MeLoVeGhOsTs]

Just see how things unveil, don't always text first you know why, maybe he'll text you sometimes. It's a shitty situation I give you that, but in the end everything's gonna be alright. If it's not alright, it's not the end:)

[Crystal Mew]

I definitely think it's best to just give him some space. Let him realize what it would be like to lose you, and for the most part guys come back around after awhile. How old are you guys? It could be that he thinks he is missing some "great part of life" that he never got to experience because he was always in a relationship, and maybe that's really what he wants. Even if you guys just took a break in the relationship it doesn't mean that things are over forever. Sometimes people just need to find themselves (as lame and dumb as that sounds) before they can figure out what they really want in the future, and it's hard to do in a relationship sometimes.

My ex broke up with me for basically the same reasons, and it hurts still I'm not going to lie :/ I keep hoping that one day he'll realize that he wants to be with me but I'm not really planning on it...we're still friends though so I guess that's good.

I hate dating.

[DarkestLight]

Today<-----6 months post breakup. She dumped me. Said a few of those things, and a little more. Now, I could care less about her.

Point?

Live your life and no one else's. You may have wanted, may still want him in your life, but at this moment, you gotta go what's right for Bex. If he comes back, awesome. It hurts now, but release that and keep it moving.

And then I read Crystal Mew's post and she's right about that. Some people just need to go figure their stuff out and I'm sorry you had to be hurt while he figured his out. But you go do you. You're still under 25 right? Pfft go do you and mate with a Dr Who clone tyvm :D

[Drago]

I don't have any advice, because I'm terrible with these sorts of things. I'm just wishing you all the best in this time of uncertainty!

[shazza]

You need to look within and, not just remember, but truly and honestly feel what you made you first fell in love with him. Is that feeling still existent? You will know if it is or not. He needs to do the same - if it isn't there for him, you two will have to be completely honest and discuss everything. His reasons, unfortunately, convey the sense that those feelings are no longer there for him. You have to accept this.

Additionally, if that feeling is there for you, you shouldn't allow him to emotionally abuse you like he has in the hope that allowing him to enforce such control of the situation might passively wake him up to what you long for most. It conveys a sense of a lack of true love for yourself and he will walk over this rather than love you. You have to love yourself first and foremost - stand up for what you are feeling and how he is making you feel; otherwise, if the relationship were to resume, it would be built upon unresolved feelings and thoughts and cultivate an unhealthy power imbalance based more on the ego and less on the heart.

Good luck.

[Jeff]

The last time I went through a breakup was 11 1/2 years ago. I've avoided relationships after that until recently, but I've still been unsuccessful. So, I guess I'm not the best person to give advice on this.:P

All I can say is best of luck and I hope things work out for you.

[RedStarWarrior]

He may have found someone else. I'd hope it isn't the case, but such unusual behavior may indicate such.

[ChobiChibi]

I think I should probably update you all and clarify some things.

After the discussion we had, he stayed here. We woulda stayed in separate rooms if it weren't for the fact we had this friend staying over, and once said friend left, we'd got to the stage where things were vaguely back to normal.

I think at this stage that's what hurts most. The fact that he seemed to go straight back to how things were. I mean, there were a couple of days where he pretty much wouldn't touch me at all, which were the hardest, but now things seem almost normal.

Although I asked him a couple of things that concern me a little. Well, and a statement. I said "I miss you" and his response was "why?". This was on one of the days where he was avoiding physical contact with me, and not really talking to me properly, and he wonders why I said I miss him? >>

Then a day or so later I asked him if I was giving him enough space, to which his answer was yes. Good to know, but I was hoping he might talk more? Let me know what might be going on in his head?

He came home fairly tipsy that night, so I asked him "if I had suggested sex last night, what would you have said?" and the answer to that was "oh god yes". This makes me feel somewhat like he's taking me for a ride right now. It's like he's getting all the benefits of me trying to "make things work" as he likes to put it, and abusing them. It's like he forgot that he said he's not sure if he's in love with me anymore, or any of the other stuff. OH I also remember that he said "I want to keep trying until at least the summer" which also makes me feel stupid for letting him drag me along if he would ditch me at the end of it...

The problem is, if there is a chance that things might just work swimmingly, I don't want to ruin that by calling the whole thing off now.

He's gone home now for Easter, so we now have 2 weeks where we won't be seeing each other at all. If anything though, over the last few days, he's been texting/calling more than usual, so maybe he's also trying to put in some effort on his end. I don't know. I do want to talk to him about it again, and soon, but also I kinda need him around right now. I'm worried about things (mostly money, as always), and he's the one person I talk to about these things and he tells me they'll be alright.

That and it's nearly dissertation/assessment time, and I think my MA would suffer if I broke up with him right now ><

I honestly don't think he's found someone else. Or if he has, he's not made any moves with this person. Word would have got around somehow, and other than the night he went and stayed at a friend's house, it's the only night he hasn't been with me.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. This is why I felt like I could come here and talk about it. When you share the same friends at uni, and when you are both part of a department that is practically incestuous (the head of music once described it as that, but it's so true lol. Everyone knows everyone) it's hard to find someone to talk to where it won't get spread to someone else, and I don't want my relationship problems as come kind of rumour/common knowledge.

So I've got some time to myself now (sort of, friend from home is here again which is irritating but I'll cope lol), so I can think things through without having him in bed next to me. But I'm a lot happier now than I was. I'm in a very numb place (I both want him and don't at the same time. Trying to think of things I could do if he did decide he didn't want to be with me anymore. Stuff like that), but at least if he does want to end it eventually, I think I'll be in a better place...

[mattbcl]

I want to say "That's the spirit", but that's not precisely the sentiment I want to convey. It sucks that your relationship is going through this. But if it's going to be a case of your psychological state being taken for a roller coaster ride, it's absolutely beneficial to you to analyze the situation as things come up and use a wide-angle lens on the business (how each item of note relates to all the others and what that's likely to mean at the end of the road).

And keep in mind, you're not supposed to be the only one trying to "make it work". According to your original post, he plainly said it's not you that's the problem, and he's the one who started this whole mess by behaving so irrationally (and not at all like a grown-up). I admire your attempts to keep things going, but of the two of you, I really think he should be the one putting more effort forth. If you feel like he's taking you for a ride, it may be worth reminding him that a lasting relationship needs activity from all involved parties.

Meantime, it's important to remember (and it looks like you have remembered it) that even a bad outcome isn't the end of the world. I hope things will look up for you.

[ChobiChibi]

So it all ended today. After days of him barely touching me, not talking to me, barely even looking at me, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I made him talk to me, and that's it. We're done.

I want Facebook to hurry up and do that awkward thing where it publicizes your relationship status change. So I can have the barrage of people going "are you okay?" and get on with life.

No, I'm not okay. But I will be. Please excuse me for a few days if I seem off with people. I'll be alright eventually.

[Oslo]

*many hugs*

Let me know if you ever want to talk. :) It gets easier from here.

[mattbcl]

I echo the above sentiments. You deserve better, and I know you'll find it somewhere.

[Magmar]

Oh honey :( we are all here for you!

You can talk to me anytime ...

[MeLoVeGhOsTs]

What everyone said. Life will get better Chobz, believe me! Come Ghent and party with me. Also, you can 'hide' that facebook-thingy, unless you want the support.

[BTPoke]

I'm only 17, so I don't really know THAT much about this kind of thing, but I did go through pretty much a miniturized version of what you're going through (basically I was internet dating someone from november of last year 'till january of this year. Yeah, I know, internet dating isnt the best move to make, but it just... happened. It pretty much ended about the same as your relationship). Anyway, I know at least a tiny bit of what you're going through, and I really hope it gets better for you. I know for me it got better over time.

[Blademaster]

Try and get over it soon.

Every time something bad happens in life, it makes you a bit tougher when you get through it.

And any time you spend being sad is time you could instead be being happy.

So... yeah. That's my math.

[DarkestLight]

>.> If you wanna spit venom, I'm all ears.

[Drago]

>.> If you wanna spit venom, I'm all ears.
Likewise. :(

[ChobiChibi]

The only good thing to have come from this is that I've realised just how awesome my friends are. Thanks guys <3

I caved on Tuesday and sent him a text asking just to talk. That was all. But I didn't get a response. At first it upset me, but really not for long, because I guess that's what I was expecting. Today I am terrified because I have to see him in a rehearsal. I am nervous. I don't want to make him feel guilty/upset if I were to get upset. I really wanted him to just have a little communication with me, just so things wouldn't be so awkward? Nevermind. I'll just have to stay focused and professional. Don't know if I'll manage it, but I'll give it my best shot.

[Asilynne]

Its always hard when a long term relationship comes to an end, whether you are on the dumping side or not, or its mutual, its never easy and it will make you cry. But time makes everything better as long as you stay strong and don't give up on yourself. Don't let yourself get bitter or jaded and you will be fine :) There will be someone out there that will be glad to find you single ;) and they will love you with your whole heart. Just hang in there and live your life, and be thankful that you are still young! Some people hang on for too long and end up wasting years of their life (my aunt).

It'll get better :hug: