Re-Introduction Thread

[Tainted]

The whole 'finding things to occupy what little time you have while terminally ill and restricted heavily in your available activities' thing has me often thinking, and somehow I decided to explore my distant youth a little and by a strange coincidence stumbled upon the remains of this forum.

Now... it's likely no one here remembers me. I was kind of an asshole, to be quite frank-- I signed up here when I was eleven or twelve (I'm twenty-four now) and spent the majority of my time around the fanfic and rpg forums exploring the beginnings of my interests in writing. It's always embarrassing, of course, to look back on your past and see what an utter douche you were and how remarkable it is at all that you've somehow grown into the half decent human being you are now what with the precedence you set. But man, the shit I posted here in my youth-- both literary and just my dumb opinions at the time, now mock me in a way that I can only smile at and acknowledge how ignorant and arrogant I was in my youth.

Well, I've very much so been humbled by cancer-- I was diagnosed at seventeen (2007 or so) and briefly made a return to post a few things whilst bored and stuck in the hospital back when I was getting week-long chemotherapy treatments. It's miraculous I've made it this long, really, since I've been considered terminal since my brief period of remission between 20 and 21, whereupon my reprieve was interrupted by the finding of a cluster of tumours in my right lung and a subsequent diagnosis of metastatic cancer.

Since then, really, I've just been sitting around waiting to die (I was told by oncologists in '11 that I would die likely around that Christmas, and welp, I'm still here). It all sounds really grim, but thankfully I have a great relationship with my family and a loving woman who I would've likely married by now had my illness not progressed-- she lives with and takes care of me for the most part.

Come to think of it, I don't really know why I'm posting all this. Just curious to see if anyone remembers me-- I briefly browsed the forums and found a whole bunch of names I recall-- Heald, Otto, shazza, vulpix, Zak the fanfic people; mr_pikachu, PancaKe, Gavin, etc. I'm forgetting a bunch, but I literally just encountered these names for the first time after years so give me a break here.

I hope you're all doing well, and I'm amazed to see these forums are still alive and somewhat active. Seems to be occupied mostly by the grown-up versions of the people I remember back when I was a dumb kid. So-- if I ever happened to offend you when I was thirteen or fourteen, it was likely a result of typical teenaged selfishness and the inability to empathize with anyone who didn't think exactly like myself. It's really strange thinking I've almost been registered to these forums for half of my total lifetime.

So, well, just a rambling and unsolicited update on my end of things. For fun, really. Things aren't going so well health-wise in my life, as my liver and kidney function are really starting to deteriorate and I doubt I've got much time left (though I've thought the same thing before years ago about other things, and well, look where that got me). So I guess my health, some thinking and reminiscing, and a complete google coincidence resulted in this incoherent post.

Perhaps this can result in a discussion on how far we've all come in the twelve to fourteen years a lot of us seem to have lived since their reg date. I see some of you married now, with children, all grown up, etc. and really it's pretty fucking surreal.

Excuse the potential incoherency of the above message, as you can guess I'm on a shit-ton of painkillers to keep life bearable, and as I've been on them for years they've unfortunately affected my brain a tad negatively. Though I suppose I could say the same for all the cannabis and booze, though to a lesser degree (and I unfortunately can't even enjoy a beer anymore).

How to end this? Definitely without signing my post... I can't believe that was the obnoxious norm for me back in the days I was active here. Oh, youth and their perceived self-importance.

Well, I guess I just hope you all are living happy and fulfilling lives in whatever way suits you. I'm certainly very happy, and about as fulfilled as I can be. Despite my bad luck with regards to genetically acquired cancers, I consider myself very lucky to have experienced other things that some people go whole lifetimes never getting even a taste of.

If anyone has any questions, shoot. Don't worry about offending me-- I'm far past that point and long since resigned to my fate. Sympathies appreciated, but I've heard it all so don't feel uncomfortable if you don't really know what to say.

I didn't plan on rambling on this long, sorry. Did I mention I also don't sleep very well these days and haven't been to bed? I'll just end this abruptly. Right now seems a good enough place to do so.

[Knight of Time]

I remember you...and I can definitely understand all the pain you've been going through, man. Cancer is no fun, especially when it's terminal (I know for a fact at least one of my deceased relatives had a terminal form of cancer, and a real life friend of mine a few years younger than me had cancer not one, two, or three, but four times in her life; she died last May at 27).

All I wish to say is the same thing I said to my friend before she died: stay strong, and as positive as you can; you're going to be missed here when you're gone.

[Tainted]

I remember you...and I can definitely understand all the pain you've been going through, man. Cancer is no fun, especially when it's terminal (I know for a fact at least one of my deceased relatives had a terminal form of cancer, and a real life friend of mine a few years younger than me had cancer not one, two, or three, but four times in her life; she died last May at 27).

All I wish to say is the same thing I said to my friend before she died: stay strong, and as positive as you can; you're going to be missed here when you're gone.

I appreciate it. They do call Ewing's sarcoma a "liveable cancer" as much of an oxymoron as that is-- all it really means is there are no typical stages (stage 4, etc.) like with many other cancers. There's just the first time you get it, and then the very likely re-occurrence-- most typically in the lungs where it has found its second home in me. All that really means is it is far more difficult for oncologists to accurately predict when you'll die-- you could be fine for years and then go downhill fast in a week and that's it, kaput.

I've had a few close calls so far, most significantly after being prescribed steroids that caused me to accumulate massive amounts of fluid in my body combined with a bad case of cellulitus from a mosquito bite of all things (my immunities were just so shot from quitting the steroids cold turkey in an attempt to get out of the situation I found myself in). Doctors had pretty much written me off by that point but somehow I recovered gradually and made it through it.

I remember you too, as a fellow Canadian. Ah, good ol' socialized medicine. I'd be long dead or at the very least homeless if I lived south of the border. Insurance is hard enough to get here for certain medications the government refuses to cover-- though I do know that at peak points in my chemo and assorted medications consumption I was costing my father's employer's health insurance (after finally successfully applying as an adult dependent, permanently crippled and incapable of even sedentary work) in excess of five digits per month. So I can see how people like me negatively impact their business model, but christ if insurance isn't the most evil business there is. Doctors for the insurance companies detached from me personally mailing me letters saying that, contrary to my oncologists detailed assessments of my health, he really does not see why I am incapable of sedentary work and therefore not a candidate for them covering me financially. Oh, how I'd have loved to personally walk into his office and beat him with my cane while lifting up my pantleg to show him my prosthesis marked by a pretty gruesome 14-or-so inch scar. "Not crippled enough, eh?"

What you said about staying strong and positive I firmly believe in, though. Pouring over statistics I've already made it much further than most of my peers who have received similar diagnoses. I chalk almost all of that up to my attitude, as I've never really let it bother me. There are times I've wished death on myself due to extreme bouts of pain or what have you, but once that inevitably passes you realize how silly a proposition it really is. After a certain point you start living more for other people than yourself, though. Whether I go tomorrow or two years ago doesn't make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things to me-- but to those loved ones around me every extra day is another opportunity to temporarily relish in what won't always be around.

To be honest, the things that bother me most are the stupid things. It's not the dying, or the not existing, or any of that stuff-- it's dumb stuff. I preemptively "miss" knowing I won't be aware of certain technological advances, or moments in history, or things more personal such as seeing what friends and family will age into. It's the things you'll never know that haunt you, which is strange, as logically they should be the most irrelevant seeing as no matter when it is you die, you're always going to "miss out" on whatever happens in the world afterwards.

I don't see friends too often anymore, just family and my live-in wifey, so I appreciate this opportunity to talk to (not entirely) complete strangers about things. It's cathartic. So thanks.

[Heald]

It's good to hear from you, old friend. I was aware you had been diagnosed with cancer but had no idea how far along or how bad it was.

It's encouraging to see your attitude towards your situation. Admittedly it's a really shitty situation you are in, and one which I can seen friends and family in - my father died of lung cancer 12 years ago. I'll be honest, the main reason why I still bother to check in regularly here is to keep in touch with members, even those that have been gone a while. And a bit of modding on the side, not that I've really had to mod anything for a while. Maybe when the next President gets elected.

Your point on how things have progressed in the last 14 years for the members is a good one - a lot of the members back in 2000 were already adults. and most have left, either to have families, gender reassignment or weight gain/loss. The rest of us - the kids - are still kicking about in one way or another, even if some only check in once a year. But I remember the golden years with fondness - especially when we were both in the Misc Marauders together, and the other general dickery we got up to. Were we dicks/assholes? Yes. Did we offend/annoy a lot of people? Yeah. But was it fun? Hell yes. It was funny then, but obviously it seems petty/pathetic now when you grow up and gain even the slightest bit of perspective. But no regrets - it's like regretting needing a bib as a baby, it's what kids do.

I hope you continue to live and keep the cancer at bay - your attitude and your story is frankly really cool to hear, especially at a time of year when people are looking to inspire themselves to make a change in their life for the better or to reflect on where they are and where they want to be. Big love to you and all those around you.

[Tainted]

Your point on how things have progressed in the last 14 years for the members is a good one - a lot of the members back in 2000 were already adults. and most have left, either to have families, gender reassignment or weight gain/loss. The rest of us - the kids - are still kicking about in one way or another, even if some only check in once a year. But I remember the golden years with fondness - especially when we were both in the Misc Marauders together, and the other general dickery we got up to. Were we dicks/assholes? Yes. Did we offend/annoy a lot of people? Yeah. But was it fun? Hell yes. It was funny then, but obviously it seems petty/pathetic now when you grow up and gain even the slightest bit of perspective. But no regrets - it's like regretting needing a bib as a baby, it's what kids do.

I hope you continue to live and keep the cancer at bay - your attitude and your story is frankly really cool to hear, especially at a time of year when people are looking to inspire themselves to make a change in their life for the better or to reflect on where they are and where they want to be. Big love to you and all those around you.

Hah, hey! Good to see you, old buddy. For some reason or another I remember you more than most, I think because we talked on MSN or AIM or whatever archaic chat client it was a few times. Wasn't it you that had that webpage for a while that was kind of a take on Maddox (the best page in the universe or whatever, god that takes me back, he's an old fart living off of book royalties now)-- the Pillory I think it was called. And you'd post edgy comedy articles, of course, something I also did with a site of my own for a bit if I remember correctly (probably in imitation).

Hahaha, good times. I won't lie, I looked up to you more than just a little back then-- which is saying something, since around that period of time I had this ignorant attitude that everyone was an idiot and of course I was so enlightened and wise and of course no one could understand the mix of genius and teenaged angst that brewed deep within me. "The Foole doth thinke he is wise."

I agree with you, though-- it was just our way, as kids. If I was a little repulsive atheist, "nonconformist," wiser-than-thou asshole at least I got it out of my system young. I guess it was just a little surreal for me to find old posts or PMs or whatever seeing 12 or 13 year old me bothering religious folks without realizing how much faith my own beliefs at the time required. It's not anything to be ashamed of, quite, but finding these old things I'd said elicited more than a few groans, slaps to my own forehead and a few chuckles in spite of myself. You always know you were an idiot when you were a dumb kid, but going through the evidence can result in a little embarrassment.

Thanks for the well wishes, though, I appreciate it. I'm doing my best to repel the cancer with the power of my mind (and certain herbal remedies), but ultimately it just decides whatever the fuck it wants to do. It alternates between chilling out for a while and going into full-out aggressive attack mode seemingly at complete random. I've been off treatment for quite a bit more than a year now and have just been waiting it out, really. I could be clinging onto hopes and trying cocktail after cocktail of chemo with radiation and all that crap, but I decided to call it quits on that a long while ago as I wasn't assured it was really doing anything at all (and in the year+ I've been off treatment, the cancer has followed similar random cycles of growth and intermittent periods of relaxing for a bit-- so really I can't be sure any of the chemo or treatment that I did ever did anything beneficial.) But that's just the way it is with treating these things. All the doctors can go off of is precedent and educated guesswork, and apparently the way my cancer has resurfaced is pretty abnormal and more akin to asbestos related cancers in the lungs rather than how Ewing's typically appears in the lungs.

By this point, though, clusters of tumours have taken over my entire right lung and put a ton of pressure on my liver and some other organs-- so the best I can do, really, is make comfort and quality of life my priority rather than endure treatments that make me feel like utter crap and can't promise me anything. The doctors don't like my take on things, for the most part, and are all too eager to put you through gauntlets of treatment after treatment-- but they just don't understand that it's not a numbers game to me. I'm not trying to accumulate as many living days as possible, and even if chemo would give me an extra month or two, I'd rather go sooner and more comfortable. It's quality, not quantity.

The one thing I have learned, though, more than anything else is that time is the enemy and happiness is of the utmost importance. So many people spend their days mad about trivial things and let it spill into every facet of their lives-- so many people seemingly walk around miserable most of the time and angrily scowl at the misfortune the world has subjected them to when ultimately they are in control of how they feel. Perception amounts to a lot, and time spent unhappy is time wasted in my opinion. None of us really have that much time, and it's important we spend as much of that time as possible positively. Don't let the bastards grind you down, you know? Don't let trivial matters bother you, and for the love of god stop pretending that our lives have to have so much meaning or importance. Can't it just be that we're really here for no reason and should therefore just enjoy the opportunity we've been granted in being able to enjoy everything life provides?

From my perspective it saddens me whenever I see people waste the opportunities they have in their life to pursue their own happiness, because I've been stripped of so much of that opportunity myself. So, to end another likely painkiller inspired rambling tangent: never forget how lucky you all are to have the opportunity to be fulfilled and happy. Take that opportunity, and try to spend as much of that time as possible in the pursuit of your own happiness.

Much love to you all, and if she can be taken-- be sure to take her easy. :)

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Welcome back! I don't think you remember me, I was practically nobody around here before 2006 or 2007. That was after my longest hospital period. That's right, I was diagnosed to have Asperger's (which I have grown to use as my power, though) and schizophrenia and while they belong to an entirely different category from cancer, I can still perhaps grasp something on what it's like to live with an illness.

All the best to you and see you around!

[Magmar]

Whoa! Hey! It's real good to hear from you. Man, I'm sorry to hear this is how things go, but it sounds like you've made peace with your lot... we had some great chats back in the day... When we were about 12-14 and posting here back in the early 2000s, this was our safe space and our outlet to let out a lot of our frustrations with the world around us without having to deal with substantial ostracism... that's why we did what we did. I was one of those uptight homeschooled Christian brats that you probably tortured back in those days but we ended up talking a lot anyway (and today I'm totally agnostic and unlearned a lot of my own negative behaviors thanks, in part, to wanting to be more rebellious like you lot were), so it just goes to show you that people with different ideologies and ideas can eventually come together. Just when you're a kid, you don't see it that way. You see things your way.

If you've come here to look at those things you used to do and regret it, that would be just silly--so good call on laughing it off. You had a lot of fun being a part of the groups you became a part of. Back when there were such things as Misc Marauders and Shadow Rockets butting heads all the time. Nobody would hold any animosity toward you for being a teenager. Even though I got heckled a lot, I sure don't! The fact that today, you visited here and grew a little as a result is an amazing testimony to what a great community we have all created. You're always a part of that community so don't hesitate to check in at any time :)

[Gavin Luper]

Hey mate ... great to see you back here after all these years. I remember you fondly from Fanfic back in the day. As you might have seen, it's become a bit of a ghost town now, but back when you were active it was still pretty alive and kicking. Feel free to drop in to TPM whenever you like and say g'day, a lot of us are still here in varying states of activity.

I'm sorry to hear how crap things are for you. I know you've heard it all before as you mentioned, but I suppose I just want to say you're in my thoughts (let's hope for a miracle, even if that's naïve/farfetched at this stage) and well, if you need/want to talk or whatever I'm happy to help.

Are you still writing these days? You were always a strong writer.

And hey ... don't diss the signing off of posts Zak Hunter, I still occasionally sign mine off too, particularly in Fanfic.

Best to you, mate.

Cheers,

Gavin

[Jeff]

I do remember the name from back in the day. I've also come across posts of yours while digging through old threads and wondering what became of you, knowing that you were "that guy with cancer." It must suck having to deal with that, but it's good to see you're still fighting.

For me, well, I joined almost 10 years ago. It'll be 10 years this November. Wow. I remember a few years back when some veterans were celebrating their 10 years, and I still felt like a rookie in comparison despite having been modded and having created a website to go with the forums (our first in 4 years). In 2004 I was in college, but really had no clue what I was doing. Wasn't sure what I wanted to do, kept changing my major and on my third major, dropped out. I had a job, but lost that in 2008 and after going back to community college and finishing a transfer degree in 2010, I still had trouble continuing from there. So for a year I had nothing. No job, no friends, nothing really to do outside of TPM.

In 2011, I met some TPMers in person for the first time and made some great new friends in the process. I got a fast food job in November. In 2012, I went to two weddings, both for TPMers, and joined an online dating site, where I met my current girlfriend, and also got promoted to shift manager at my job and have since watched my pay go up pretty quickly. I've now amassed enough funds to finally go back and finish college, so that's exciting. It's amazing to think that in just a few short years I've gone from nothing to having a pretty busy life.

I hope all continues to go well with you. If I can give any words of encouragement, it would probably be that many years ago, my grandmother, who had terminal cancer, was given a few months to live. She ended up hanging around for long enough to outlive my grandfather. Although she's no longer with us now, I still find it amazing that she was able to hold on for that long.

[Blademaster]

I've seen your name once or twice in the archives.

I don't know you, but the fact that you should have died in 2011 makes me like you already. You defied what science and fate told you and have fought like Hell for the past TWO YEARS.

http://images.wikia.com/gurennlagann/images/archive/2/2e/20091220130259!Kamina.jpg

That right there is worthy of respect. Keep fighting, and never give up. Remember: Great men never die, even when they're killed.

[Pichu Luver]

Heya dude. I dunno if you remember me, I think we were hanging around Fanfic at the same time, and well I was in PCG mostly back when I was a slightly more idiotic teenager. XD I might be slightly smarter now, maybe, lol. At any rate I remember you, I think I even remember your fanfics and enjoying them. So maybe they weren't too horrid. ^^'

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I know those words can never do justice to what has happened, but in part I'm replying because I'm in the same boat you are. The name is different, pancreatic neuroendocrine carcinoma, the end result is the same. Not for everyone, but the drugs I have tried either gave me very interesting side effects that were dangerous or painful to a level that it wasn't worth it, or didn't work. To get the medical shiz outta the way: I was diagnosed December 2010 when I was 23, they got the original tumour on my pancreas out in a Whipple procedure (they basically took stuff out and reattached the upper part of my digestive system), but it came back in my liver and lungs a year later. I got lucky, the cancer I have is quite slow growing (I probably had the original cancer for years), unfortunately that means most drugs (most chemo's) ignore it. There is some 'hard-core' chemo I could try but I have a LOT of problems keep weight on, and it would probably kill me. The last thing they offered was tiny plastic pellets in the secondary veins to my liver but given the Whipple (I had a 'leak' for almost a year and a half after it) and the other side effects I decided I was tired of trying drugs and would rather enjoy the life I have. I also have a hypoglycemia, probably due to one of the drugs I tried, so not eating from a long time is... unwise. Which would make a surgical procedure problematic. I understand hard choices and what you said about quality over quantity. The plastic might work, for a while, but the potential side effects are too great for me personally to risk.

Perhaps this is a purely personal standpoint but I'm so glad you have such a supportive family and a wonderful woman to love. I've seen where families have kinda backed off due to medical problems (not just cancer), and thankfully my family has also been amazing. I also got ridiculously lucky in that I found a great man to love and be loved by, and who makes my life unaccountably better. We met each other via Halo 4 if you can believe it. It's hard to believe but I've met some amazing people from the Internet, people here and there who make life better and oh God the LAUGHS I get from that ridiculous game. Maybe I've been lucky but the trolls have been few and easy to ignore.

I'm also a fellow Canuck, and I dunno if you're near me, but I've been doctored out of Princess Margaret. I go now to them basically to be scanned. I guess for them to watch how its progressing. I dunno, lol. I have to concur on the thank God I was born here though, my medical bills would be RIDICULOUS by now. I didn't have any medical insurance when I was diagnosed (I was 23 and doing hard physical labour at a barn, thought I was perfectly healthy). I got on disability a couple years ago, thankfully they cover the drugs I take to digest food properly.

You have my heart felt sympathies and I hope you are as comfortable as you can be. I concur with what you said about the opportunity to be happy. Glass half full people really piss me off now. You ever wanted to hit those people? XD I have, at the same time as feeling quite sad for them, especially if they refuse to see the bright side. Personally I find there is always something to laugh about or be happy about. Seriously, like Tainted said, DON'T let the little things bring you down. The next 50 years I think are going to be holy shit amazing I think. I will QUITE disappointed if there isn't some sort of flying car or personal flying device that doesn't shatter your eardrums. That shit needs to happen. XD!

If you ever want to commiserate on the arrgs of genetic defects, or well sometimes I can have a pretty black humour people don't get, I'm another ear if you want. Pm me if you'd like to chat (I have skype). If you can play xbox, my user name is in the list here but I'll say it again: DameSquishdalot. I'm usually Haloing if on there.

[Katie]

I remember you :) Your first username was something like Skullfire wasn't it? I was actually thinking about you not too long ago! Weren't you buddies with Jamey, fatmanwithamonkey, or whatever else names he used? Or maybe you just reminded me of him, and weren't actually buddies. hah. Douchey, but funny douchey. Not malicious douchey or trying-too-hard douchey. A good balance! Ah the first half of the '00s, the good old days. I remember trying so hard to be cool. Lying that I had a boyfriend IRL at school, haha... in hindsight, I cannot think of a single guy from my middle school who would have been worth sticking with. I met my husband at college and he is much better than those kids! :)

I'm impressed by your attitude despite your diagnosis. There's not a lot else to say, I can't really relate to the ins and outs of a cancer diagnosis. My family instead seems to die relatively suddenly: heart attack, pneumonia complications, etc. I'm almost jealous that cancer didn't take my mom, at least that way I could have said goodbye. But then there are people on the other side of the fence that would have preferred the quickness. Who knows! It boils down to the fact that it all just plain sucks times infinity.

[Asilynne]

I remember you, if I remember correctly you took my poem and turned it into a song, it was really cool.

Don't worry about the past, it never changes and the young are entitled to be stupid since they haven't seen much of the world yet ;) keep fighting and ignore the doctors opinions, according to them you should be 3 years gone, but you aren't wich makes me think that they aren't giving you enough credit. If you say that you would marry the girl if things were different, marry her man, marriage is great and you both deserve it :) hang in there :hug:

[Heald]

I just stumbled back upon this thread and decided to check out Zak's Facebook. Unfortunately it's gone from public search and I stumbled upon this (http://www.gofundme.com/ceniso) which, if this is the same Zak (and I'm 99% sure it is) he passed away on Wednesday 30th July.

I guess for the final time my friend, adieu. I hope that in your short life you found happiness and in your passing you have found peace.

x

[Jeff]

It's rare that I post to TPM's Facebook page anymore with Kevin having taken over, but I still have posting privileges there and this is as good a reason as any.

Rest in peace, Tainted.

[The_Missing_Link]

Now I regret not saying hello when he first posted, though I doubt he would've remembered me. As he stated, he was a douche when he was originally on the forums but we all were. I was surprised how big of one I was when I was posting regularly.

It's weird how we all know each other by handles and for the most part know nothing of each others' real lives. I'm sure he was well loved (and knowing from Heald's link, he was) and I hope he and his loved ones have found peace

[Magmar]

I'm deeply saddened to hear of Zak's passing. Rest in peace friend.

DBaKWLoFYmQ

[CaptainJigglypuff]

My mom died last May of stage 4 inoperable lung cancer. The amazing part is she was initially given six months to a year to live and fought for two and a half years! Four times longer than what the first doctor said. I was going out in a couple of days to visit her when she passed. Always sad to hear when someone dies so young.