View Full Version : The New Kid

15th June 2003, 07:03 PM
I'm Nick. I'm a Pokemon trainer. I come from America. I know very little of Pokemon and training them. My parents were both really popular trainers, in their day. But I don't care. I don't know anything about that. I've been training for over a year now. We just conquered the PoliIsland league. We being Jane and Sammy. But something is wrong. Sammy is really Professor Samuel Oak. And he's really like 100. And that's a long story. So sit back, and get comfortable. This is going to be fun.

It all started on July 1. I was studying Pokemon, with my dad. But on this day he had a surprise. I was to go meet Professor Oak and he was going to give me my first Pokemon, like he did for my dad. He and my mom gave me a backpack and sent me to Pallet, from my newhometown of Border. It's across the water from the famous Bike path. So I hiked all the way there. I approached his lab and opened the door. But everything inside was dark. "Hello?" I called out. Nothing. I turned around, dissappointed, then I felt a cold hand touch me. "Ahh!" I cried out.

"Oo-rr oo?" An old man said. I couldn't understand him until he reached into his pocket and pulled out some denchers. He put them in his mouth and said, "Who're you?"

"Nick, sir." I said. "My dad said that you would be giving me a Pokemon today."

"Oh yes." I reached into his other Pocket and pulled out a Pokeball. He handed it to me. I stared at it.

"Thank you." I said, but when I looked up, he was gone. I turned to see him getting in a cab and it driving off.

I pulled a note out from my pocket. It said: "Go to Oak's lab. Get your Pokemon. Thank him. Go to the Pallet Port and board the boat to the PoliIslands." SO I walked to the port I gave them my ticket. I went to the deck and waved to the croad of people. Two hours later we docked on an island. I read the note again: "Stop in at Bill's lab. You must register for the beginners league there. Then you will receive a P4. Loves, Mom." I treked to the secluded lab of Bill. As I walked I noticed clouds forming above. Whent I got there it was raining. I entered and asked for Bill. They told my he was in room 3A. I found the room. I walked in and saw a short plump man talking to Oak. I approached. Oak walked into an elivator looking thing without noticing me.

"Excuse me," I spoke to the man who was watching Oak. "are you Bill?" He nodded. "I would like to register for the Beginners league."

"The whole team must be present." Bill said.


"The singles league registration was closed two weeks ago. The team one is still open."

"I don't have a team."

Then the door that I walked through slammed open and a girl stomped in. "Your trained chimps, out there, said that I can't register for the singles league." She paused.

"I'm sorry miss." Bill said. "The only one open right now is the team league. And you must have 3 people in it."

"Don't you know who I am?" He yelled. "My father is very powerful!"

As Bill was about to respond the lights all faded out and the elevator that Oak was in was sealed with Oak in it. And it began to hum. "My capsole." Bill rushed to it and began to beat on the glass. Then a light struck Oak. And the chamber that he was in filled with smoke. Then the glass shattered and the room filled with smoke. And I could hear a "Hoo-Hoo" sound.

"Go my Hooty. Use whirlwind." Then the smoke was blown away. "Return." A guy stepped out of the elevator and walked through the broken glass. "Where am I?" he said.

The real story,

16th June 2003, 09:41 PM
To anyone who cares. I was wondering if you guys could give me some feed back on how to improve my story. That'd be great.

16th June 2003, 11:51 PM
Good ideas and such I think...

More description.
Y'know you have this thing and this thing is something and this is something about using and too much and that is bad and I think that is true.
bred, not bread
I'm sure people know how to pronounce yachet.
But you should start sentences with but.
I think that is all so far.

17th June 2003, 05:28 PM
Jane Oak? lol

Don't descirbe stuff with *BOOM* and such.
More description of surroundings of fight.

Otherwise, good.

18th June 2003, 02:01 PM
Originally posted by P-Frog
We rushed to the door and I pulled it open, revealing wall to wall stained wood floors, it was deep red like red wood, and the walls weremostly covered, by either windows or huge steel machines covered with knobs and switches. And there were several more of these machines in the middle of the floor. And the sealing it was really cool, it was all glass I stood and watched the lightening up above for a moment. And the room must have had 30 or 40 guys and girls in long white lab coats all doing something. When a guy got close I said, "Excuse me, sir." The man stopped and turned toward me. "Do you know where Professor Oak is at?" He pointed to a hall way. I approached and I saw atleast 5 doors on each side. "You check that side," I pointed to the right hand side as I spoke to Punchy, "And I'll check this one."

Good description here, except you started serveral sentences with And. Also, when you said the "walls were mostly covered" then a few words later "The machines were mostly covered" I think it's bad to have two words so close together. You could have said, "The walls had disappeared under all the machines and windows." Somthing like that, I'm no writer.

Punchy and I stopped next to Jane. Just then Oak bent into the egg and then stood back up and turned his back to it and sat down into it and layed back into it and bagan feeling the metal. THen he pulled out a handfull of wires.

Whoa, did I just count FIVE Ands in that sentence. Try spliting them up, or atleast not using so many ands. Please, one And per. sentence.
I also think it is laid, not layed.

18th June 2003, 06:51 PM
Still, less ands
Laid, not layed. As in he got laid.

20th June 2003, 03:03 AM
After quick skim, the only sentence that caught my eye wasn't even in the story; it was 'Sorry for the abrupt ending lest week, family called.'

I thought it might help if you typed your story into a word document or such, then took the time to edit it. It puts things in more perspective, and you can spot errors more easily.

20th June 2003, 01:22 PM
Yeah, what she said. I'm just very nice to my authors. So listen to mistysakura.

20th June 2003, 10:56 PM
I'm really sorry about this. I find this story terribly boring. I will have to stop reading this. It's just very boring and many errors. Sorry.

21st June 2003, 12:21 PM

21st June 2003, 07:10 PM
I never said you took too long. It was also very boring in the first place. I took my time to read it because I thought that you might be able to make it better. I'm sorry but some stories just don't catch my interest. I've read stories which I'm sure are very good, other wise they wouldn't be published, that I've been unable to read. I'm sorry, but I can't read it, too hard.