One Destined For The Ruby

[powermudkip]

Intro:
Hi,I'm Hunter.I'm 9 years old.I love Pokemon,but I don't have any...Luckily my birthday is on August 25 and I will get a Pokemon from my Dad,Prof. Bown.My mom told me that my dad was known as the one Destined for the Sapphire and that I was the one Destined for the Ruby.I don't know what she means though.My mom also told me she had an early birthday present for me that she was going to give to me on June 22.And you know what?!It is June 22.I live in the region of Tojota and I live in Rubily city.All of the names of the cities in this region have something to do with stones.I noticed that in 2nd grade when I was studying about Diamindy Town.Hopefully I will be able to start my Pokemon Journey soon.

Chapter one-Pokemon can be destined for the ruby too?
I opened my eyes slowly because of my alarm clock."I don't wanna go to schoo..."
I went back to sleep slowly.I suddenly had a dream.I was in my nicest clothes walking down a hall.Then I saw some light.I walked closer to the blinding light.Suddenly,the light dissapeared and a ruby was coming closer and closer as if it was rolling down the hall,but it wasn't it was just floating and coming closer to me.I heard a roar come out of the ruby.I ran back screaming,"Someone save me!Some kind of weird Pokemon is chasing me!"
But all that replied was the ruby roaring,but this time I could make out what it was saying.I woke up screaming,"I don't wanna be chased by a stupid ruby!"
While I was still in bed I was trying to figure out what name the Pokemon said.It sounded like Gounden or Groudie.I had never heard of that Pokemon but maybe One Destined of the Ruby meant that I would discover a new Pokemon that looked like a Ruby,but my dad didn't discover a new Pokemon.He just met a legend and lived to tell the story.
I changed into my usual Tee-Shirt and shorts.The shorts were Blue,had yellow striped and were from Old Nady.The shirt was white,had a hole in it, and had some stains on it.
I walked downstairs rubbing my eyes slowly still trying to fully wake up.There was a not on our kitchen table.It read:
'Go to your dad's lab.I'll be there and your early birthday present will be with your dad and I.I ran to my dad's lab eager to know what my present was.I was only about 12 feet away from the lab!I walked slowly up the stairs afraid that I might fall.When I walked in my dad was putting a Pokedex in some slot.”Hi,Dad.Where’s mom?”
“She’s outside taking care of some of the Pokemon.She said that she wanted you to go outside with her.”
I ran outside and my heart was beating about 10 times faster than usual.(At least if felt like it)Mom was outside petting a cute,little Mudkip.This Mudkip was different though,It had a little mix of green on it’s stomach.Then,I noticed a green Pokeball next to the Mudkip.”Hi Mom,that’s a cute Mudkip.”
“I was hoping that you liked it…because it’s yours.Your Dad said that Pokemon are also sometimes destined for the ruby and Mudkip is one of those Pokemon.But this Mudkip has some nerve that makes this Pokemon react in a fierce way when you meet a legendary Pokemon,”said my mom.
“Well,that’s cool!”
“Why don’t you go inside to get your Pokeballs and your other things?”
“Okay!Mudkip,you should come too.”
I picked up Mudkip and hugged it tightly hoping that nothing bad would ever happen to it.I walked into the lab where my dad was holding a Pokedex,a card,six Pokeballs,a map,a wallet with some money in it,and a Pokenavi..”Hunter,here’s your stuff for the trip.You should go home and get a tent and other stuff,”said my dad.
My mom,Mudkip,and I walked home.”Why don’t you give Mudkip a nickname?”asked my mom.
“I guess I’ll name him…Mudskippy!It’s a cute name!”
Suddenly,I heard the same roar that I heard in my dream.Mudskippy started acting strange.It was running in circles and growling.”Oh Dear there must be a legendary nearby,”said my mom.Mudskippy stopped acting weird and calmed down."I don't want you to get in any trouble so,Mudskippy,return."
A red stream of light appeared making Mudskippy glow and get sucked up in the unusual,green Pokeball.
We kept walking for about one minute and we were at home.I packed some food,drinks,clothes.a tent,a toothbrush and toothpaste,and other stuff.I left elling my mom that I loved her.
My mom ran out of the door."Wait Hunter,you need this ticket when you reach Emoraldo city to get to Sapphurry city."
"Okay Mom,I'll call you when I get to Azurini City."
I decided that I would stop by my friend,Chase.I walked up the there door and knocked softly in case they were asleep because they sleep a lot.Ms.Judy answered the door."Hi Hunter.I'm sorry but Chase is sick again and he's sleepping on the sofa."
"Okay,well tell him that I'm going on my Pokemon journey so most likely I won't see him in a few years."
"Okay,I will.Have a good time,Bye!"
I walked off to continue on my Pokemon journey.I found a book on the ground.It looked pretty beat up and it was red.I looked inside it and most of the pages were torn.Then suddenly the words caught my eye.It said 'Only The One Destined For The Ruby can save the world from The Ruby Pokemon,Groudon."Oh my gosh...I have to save the world from a Pokemon?"said Hunter,"But Groudon...that's a cool name."Mudskippy came out of it's Pokeball in a fierce way like it was before.Mudskippy was running in circles shooting water guns anywhere it could."Mudskippy try to control yourself!"I said,but Mudskippy continued to use attacks.Then,I knew I was the One Destined For The Ruby.

[Co1]

Well, not bad, but it deffinetely needs work.

Firstly: Spelling and grammer. Use spell/grammer check in word, and then reread it after that at least twice to pick up any further mistakes.

Secondly: Paragraphing. Start a new paragraph after every speaker and every time the subject changes, otherwise it's just a blob of text that the reader has to decipher.

Third: Despcription. You described Hunter's clothes.. ok.. but how about describing the characters? You can use description in a few different ways: Through the character's actions, through the character's dialogue (IE what he says to other people and how he says it) and you can just go outright and describe something, like you did with Hunter's clothes.

Also, try and put some more thought into what you're writing. One thing I didn't like was this:

---
Hi Hunter.I'm sorry but Chase is sick again and he's sleepping on the sofa."
"Okay,well tell him that I'm going on my Pokemon journey so most likely I won't see him in a few years."
"Okay,I will.Have a good time,Bye!"
---

What's that? So Hunter goes to see his friend before he leaves. But he's sleeping so he goes Ok see you in a few years. That would have been a good oppurtunity to make Hunter's character original. He could have fought and demanded to see his friend before he left or something. But instead you just keep the thing that Hunter is a happy go lucky kid that's friends with almost everyone he meets (except his rival.. please, don't put a rival in this unless you're prepared to do original thinking). If that's the type of character you want, then fine, but that's REALLY boring IMO and almost a cliche of Pokemon fanfiction.

Also, his parents tell him he's destined for the ruby and his dad is destined for the sapphire. But his parents don't tell him anything more than that and luckily for him, he finds a book that tells him everything he needs to know!... Huh? Common, you can do better than that. That's not really original at all, and almost too coincidental to be believable, unless you introduce the element of fate into your fic.

Plot wise, not bad. Being destined to the ruby is pretty original, but the rest seems kind of unbelievable for a fanfic (maybe not for a video game though :P). So a 9 year old boy is destined to save the world? Unless this boy has a special gift about him that makes him more powerful at defeating this Pokemon than say, the army, then this idea seems dead to me. Also, it seems a little bit on the linear side so far, meaning that you're gonna start here and go in a straight line with the plot. What I mean by that is that the character gets his Mudkip, character battels Pokemon, character fights Pokemon on the verge of destroying the world. That's too predictable, so make sure that you add some twists and turns to prevent that from happening :)

Overall for this chapter: C-

That's not bad, I've seen worse. It means it's a fic that can be read, but has too many flaws to be considered rereadable unless you fix them, which I'm sure you will :) Good luck, and I hope to read your next chapter.

Oh, one last thing- Look at some other trainer type fics for ideas. And if you ever need help, just ask :)

EDIT: Oh yeah, make next chapters a bit longer if you could :)

[DannyBoy]

Well, your story is way different from your other one you did a while back. You could use some more length and description in it. I like the idea or the ruby and sapphire. That was original and that is always a good thing. Keep it up!

[Dewgongtears]

Pretty good story but as it was stated it needs work. But still some of these parts in your story are original and good. I hope you do good with this story....oh yeah I also like the Mudkip.

[Neo-Xantios]

Salutations, powermudkip. I have some positive comments, but some critisms as well.

First of all, I would like to commend you for your interesting plot. It is truly original.

But, your discriptions aren't very clear and the situation isn't very deep. For your sentences, you've used too many I (verb).... and they're short and rather superficial. Try combining them so they will sound more lively.

I'm sure you'll take these suggestions into consideration and improve your story. Best of luck! :wave: