Omigosh!My first fic!

[Kojiro]

Okay hope you like it it is called Pokemon Emerald!

Chapter 1-
Narrator-Today we join Ash,Brock,May,And Matt as they journey to Eaki for the Eaki league!
Ash-Sure glad Professor Oak told us about the tourney they are having in 25 days! We have to hurry and get all 8 gym badges fast!

Brock-Good thing Eaki is a lot smaller then Johto or Kanto!

Matt-Sis,when do you think we will get to the first town?

May-Oh about....Brock check the map!

Brock-I see....Okay I say we are lost!

Title-"Ohh my Eaki head!"

*Meanwhile Team Rocket are floating above in their Mewoth ballon*

James-Ohh look at this!

Jessie-It seems the squirts are going to Eaki!

Meowth-Eaki has a lot of top notch trainers and a lot of top notch pokemon!

Wobbufet-Wobbbbbbuffet!

Jessie-Looks like we need some....

Ash-Look I see a person up ahead!

Ash-Hey kid what's your name!?

Kid-My name is Koji,and you are.....

Ash-Why I am the champion of the Orange Islands! Ash Ketchum!

Brock-I am Brock!

May-I am May and this is my brother Matt.

Matt-Hiya!

Koji-So what brings you guys out here?

Ash-Do you know the way to Bass town?

Koji-Yeah I was just heading there,actually I am a dechipal of the gym leader,Drake.

Ash-Whaa!

Koji-Come on we can get there by nightfall if we hurry!

*The gang runs off*

Ash-We finnaly made it!

Koji-Uh-oh look up ahead!

*A group of ruffians wearing bright yellow clothes are walking towards them*

Ruffian leader-Hey punk! Wanna have a double trainer battle? Team Flash have been looking for some practice.

Koji-Ash will you please assist me?

Ash-You got it!

Ruffian Leader-John,Marcia you are up.

John-Preapare to be fried!

Marcia-Hahah I love the smell of victory!

Ash-Okay I will win! Go............Heracross!

Koji-Go........Seedot!

Ash-A seedot?

Koji-The bass gym is good with dark pokemon,and seedot evolvves into a nuzleaf a dark pokemon.

Marcia-Go Snorlax!

John-Fry em' Plusle

Ash-Heracross use horn drill on Snorlax!

Heracross-Hera!

*The horn is rubbing against Snorlax.

Marcia-Hahah your horn won't penetrate Snorlaxes thich stomach....What your tickling it!

*Snorlax faints from laughter*

John-I will take care of them,Plusle use....tackle!

Koji-Seedot jump sideways!

*Plusle runs into a brick wall and faints*

*The ruffians run off*

Ash-Who were they?

Koji-Team Shock,a group of electro freaks who try to mess with the towns electricity,as you can see they are really....well....weak.

Ash-Okay now on to the Bass gym and my first badge!

Narrator-Ash has just gotten a taste of Eaki and will he be able to deafeat Drake?

Ash-Next time!

I fight Drake,and it is no easy battle!How will I win against Eaki's tough gym leaders?

Next Episode-"Bassing the rest!"

[Drago]

Alrighty, let's see...
Well, to start off, I think this is a valiant attempt at a first fic. Grammar is fine, and spelling mistakes are not at all noticeable. However, in order to get readers, you'll have to change a few things.
For starters, it'd probably be best not to put the fic in script form. It makes things less detailed, and it can't be as easily interpreted. We want to get into the depth of the fic, we want to immerse ourselves, and by writing everything out with more detail you can get a better impression. For example, when the crew enters Bass Town, you could write it like this...

Ash panted heavily as he took the last steps towards the sleepy town.
The sun was already disappearing from view, and the houses of the residential area looked quite quaint. The cobblestone path seemed almost like an invitation for travellers.

Ash looked ahead fondly, contemplating a well-deserved rest and perhaps a good meal.
"We finally made it..." he said to no-one in particular, and stretched sleepily. He began looking across the area for somewhere to eat, but all his thoughts were interrupted when from his side came a panicked cry.
Koji pointed forward nervously.
"Uh-oh..." he gulped, "Look up ahead!"

Ash gazed over nonchalantly, and couldn't help but raise an eyebrow when he caught sight of what Koji was indicating.
A crew of ruffians, all decked out in the same yellow clothing, were heading right their way. It was too much to hope they were the welcoming commitee, but Ash was certainly willing to give them a memorable first impression!

Well, not too good, but that's the basic thing I mean.

It's pretty definite that you'll find it hard to attract readers, since it is a trainer fic, and, furthermore, one based around Ash and the crew. Although you've captured the Pokemon feeling very well, it certainly does feel like Pokemon, it really needs something new.
I'm all for internal struggles between characters ^_^. On that note, it would also be nice for you to describe the main characters. Sure, we know who they are, but if this was someone's first ever impression, they would be a tad lost. Tell us about Ash's quest. Tell us about his style. Tell us about why he's going around battling people at all!

Chapter length is a big issue here. What's in it is pretty good, but that's just more reason for you to go further. Perhaps description will help make it bigger, but most of all, don't be afraid to make the main characters work slowly. You have all the time in the world, and what seems like a pointless conversation could give us a better understanding of their current moods and status.

I actually recommend re-doing the first chapter. It has potential, and all it needs is a little varnish on top, if you'd like to put it that way.

Keep it up, and, if I might add, try to avoid mentioning that this is your first fic. That just makes you seem desperate, and desperation isn't a good thing. Just leave it as a fic, not as a first fic.

[A Grilled Fish]

Yeah. Everything DragoKnight said.

In Godel, Escher, Bach, the dialogues are written in script form also. However, this only works well in a conversation, which is what the dialogues are. However, in a trainer fic like this, there is much more action than speaking, so I also suggest writing in paragraph form.

One more thing.
it is called Pokemon Emerald!

I suggest changing the title as another good trainer fic was written a while ago by Captain Pringle called The Emerald Journeys.

[mr_pikachu]

I can do little more than simply mirror DragoKnight and A Grilled Fish's comments, but what I can say is that making a team much like Team Magma/Aqua, simply with a different Pokemon type, actually ends up making things less realistic more often than not. If you're doing a trainer fic, especially with Ash, I would suggest one of three things with your villains:


1. The classic "evil genius" plot or a spin-off of that. This person probably has few underlings (if any), but is likely adept at handling the few resources he/she does have.

2. An already existing team. Obviously this means Team Rocket/Magma/Aqua. This is a viable option simply because it is easier to write about something you've witnessed (and, in this case, so have the viewers) than to create something entirely from scratch. Many great authors base their main characters on people they know or have met. In addition, this option may require the least character development. Think about it... in the last five seasons of Pokemon, how much has Team Rocket changed? That should give you a fairly good idea, but character development is still encouraged for this, just not completely necessary.

3. Do the unexpected! If you can pull this off, go for it, but it will be VERY difficult, believe me. Even changing an existing team, member, etc. is difficult, but by attempting this you basically commit yourself to creating lists (and for a long enough fic, databases) of people, Pokemon, and their personalities, strategies, etc. Not only that, but making the team seem realistic is quite a challenge in itself. It is far easier to use something/someone that the readers have already accepted as "true", if you will, than to convince them of the validity of an entirely new group/person.


Well, that's about all I have to say. Good luck, keep writing, and have some fun with it! It's your fic, remember that! YOU determine how good it will be! I'll leave on that note!

EDIT: Also, I didn't think of it at first, but if you'd like to change the title of your fic (I mean the one that appears on the Fanfic forum page), then there is a topic in the Writer's Lounge that will allow you to do just that. I believe it is called "Fic Name Changing Topic", and it is a Sticky. (That means it will appear at the top of that part of the forum, along with the other Stickies.) Simply type in your original fic name and what you would like it to be cahnged to, and the mods will do the rest! Be forewarned, however: You can only change it once. After that, you're stuck with whatever you chose. Again, good luck! I'll try to keep up with this fic!