Zangoose's Claw

[Conn]

After I quit Conn Adventures in the Pokémon world, I secretly worked on this. I only have one chapter, and I think it's MUCH better than my other chapters. please tell me if you also think so.
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Zangoose's Claw: Chapter Number 1
"The Begining"
- By Connor "Conn"
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"Zangoose!" The cat ferret, Zangoose said happily. This Zangoose belonged to Connor. Connor's Zangoose was taller than other Zangoose's by 1 inch. Zangoose's height was 4"4'.
"I don't get it, Zangoose." Connor said. "Every time we play Super Smash Brothers, you beat me, YET YOU HAVE NO THUMBS!"
Connor was 11 years old, had medium length brown hair and had ble eyes. He wore a white t-shirt, baggy, black pants (ripped on the left side so you can see
his leg and sock)and bright yellow wrist bands.
Conn owned his Zangoose since he (Conn) was 7.
"Zangoose, i'm getting bored of playing 'Smash Bros.. What other game should we play?" Conn asked his Zangoose.
"Zang!" Zangoose said as he ran over to the Gamecube games shelf. The shelf had about 10 games.
He picked out his favorite game, Animal Crossing.
"Oh no! You ALWAYS pick out that!" Conn said. He got bored playing Animal Crossing.
"I know what to do!" Conn said. "Let's ask Mom if we can go on a Pokémon adventure! That would be fun!"
Zangoose loved the idea. Conn ran into the kitchen, where his Mom was.
"Hey Mom, can Zangoose and I go on a Pokémon adventure?" COnn asked his Mom sweetly with bambi eyes.
'Hey's it's my only chance.' He thought to himself.
"OF COURSE NOT!" Mom said. "You're too young. Wait until your 14th birthday."
"Oh, Mom. That so... unoriganal." Conn said. "C'mon!"
"You're not going. Go bug someone else." Mom said. "Take your cell phone. I'll phone you when it's lunch."
Conn recalled Zangoose. He walked out of the kitchen disapointed. It wasn't fair! He wanted to go on a journey. Conn reached the blue door to the outside. He opened it and slammed it.
Conn lived in Olivine city. He was friends with Jasmine, the gym leader. The cool breeze felt nice. It took Conn 10 minutes to get to the gym, because Conn lived by the gym.
"Hello Jasmine!" Conn called out. He couldn't see her, but he could hear her Steelix, and see a door.
After that there was a recall sound. The door opened and Jasmine came out.
"Hi Conn. Here to train Zangoose again?" Jasmine asked.
"Yep. That and other stuff. Go, Zangoose!"
"Alright! It's time, Scyther!" Jasmine yelled as she tossed a Pokéball.
"Huh? You have a Scyther? I thought you trained steel types!" Conn asked, confused.
"I do. Scyther evovles into Scizor, a very powerful steel type. I'm training Scyther now." Jasmine explained. "Use Fury Cutter!"
Scyther nodded and shot at Zangoose. Scyther slashed Zangoose, and knocked him back. Zangoose dodged the next slash.
"Quick Attack behind Scyther!" Conn yelled out.
Zangoose used Quick Attack and hit Scyther, but got behind her as well.
"Quick Scyther! Zangoose is wide open! Use Slash!" Jasmine called out to Scyther.
'Perfect! My plan worked!' Con thought.
"Use Detect!" Conn said to Zangoose.
Scyther's slash didn't scratch the shield.
"Now use your own Slash!" Yelled Conn to Zangoose.
The Slash attack was just enough to knock out Scyther. Or was it?
"Steel Wing!"
"Hah! COUNTER, ZANGOOSE!"
The Steel Wing was powerful. It was then sent back at Scyther.
"What? No... Return, Scyther!" Jasmine said as she held a red-and-white Pokéball in her hand. A transparent red beam shot out and hit Scyther, recalling her.
"Yeah Zangoose! Good job!" Conn said as he also recalled Zangoose.
"What else did you come here for?" Jasmine asked.
"Well, I can't go on a Pokémon journey, so i'm sneaking out tonight, and I'll need a Pokémon belt. You wouldn't have one, would you?" Conn said.
"I have one somewhere. I'm be right back." Jasmine said.
In about 5 minutes, Jasmine came back with a belt.
"Here you go. Good luck on your journey." Jasmine said.
"RIIING! RIING!" Conn's cell phone rang.
"Oh! It's lunch! See ya later, Jasmine!" Conn called as he ran to the door.
"Bye." Jasmine said.
Conn sprinted home. When he was halfway, a dog-like Pokémon came out of the bushes.
"Let's see... Yes, I have a spare Pokéball! Go, Zangoose!"
The dog-like Pokémaon called out, "Houndour!" then shot an Ember from it's mouth.
"Okay, Slash it!"
Zangoose slashed Houndour, and it looked like it was KOed.
"You're mine!" Conn yelled as he tossed the spare Pokéball.
It wiggled, wiggled, wiggled...stopped. Conn caught a Houndour!
He raced home to lunch.
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It was a dark night. Conn's plan had been working perfectly. Before bed, he had packed his bag. Extra clothes, food and a book-Pokédex he got for his 10th birthday.
Conn opened his window ans jumped out. He ran from his house to the dock. When he was almost there, Conn saw something on the ground.
"Hey, what's that?" Conn said.
He picked it up and examined it.
'SS AQUA TICKET- FULL MEMBERSHIP.
CUIRSE ANY TIME YOU WOULD LIKE TO ANYWHERE.'
"Well, then." Conn said. "This'll come in handy."
He put it in his pocket and walked to the dock.
"Excuse me sir. Ticket?" A sailor said to Conn. Conn thought he would shove him into the water.
"Here it is." Conn said ans he took the ticket from his pocket and showed it to the sailor.
"Alright. Where will you go?
Vermillion City - Kanto
Newbark Town - Johto
Rustboro - Hoenn" Asked the man.
"Okay, i'll go to..."
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Gotta love cliff-hangers. :D

[DannyBoy]

It is a improvement from your other story. But I noticed a few things. You should not use a lot of dialouge through out the whole thing. Take time and describe what is happeneing around and what it looks like where you are like what does outside look like? What does the room you are in look like? THink of thous questions. Make your chapters longer. When you are on word try to do at least four because that would be a pretty good length. After you describe like where you are skip a space and then when you write a quote skip spaces after each one. So far this does sound original. Your spelling is pretty good. I hope this helps.

[Venasaur89]

You quitted the Conn's adventures fanfic??

Why.... It was really great and I was really looking forward to reading more chapters.....
But its okay....

Anyway...

Your new story is much better.... But I didn't like the idea of just sneaking away like that...!! You don't leave your parents like that...

Keep it up... and don't quit this one!

[Co1]

Fairly original for a trainer fic in the sense that your trainer is sneaking out against his mother's wishes, and I hope you use this later on for character developpment :)

Second, like IloveX-Tina said, don't use so much dialogue. Try and put some description in somewhere between the dialogue.. though the description wasn't bad (you described Conn decently), you need to describe the other characters, like Jasmine too even though we all know what she looks like.. it makes it more interesting.

PROOF READ AND SPELL CHECK. It seems like I'm saying this in all the fics I review these days -_-'
I hope your using Microsoft Word or a similar program to type this? Then you can use the spell check feature to fix your spelling mistakes. However, you also need to proofread it to catch gramatical and punctuation errors.

Also, the battle with Houndour seemed brief and boring. Add way more description to that.

Other then that, pretty good. Try and keep things original. Remember, no one wants to read about another trainer that goes on his adventure, catches Pokemon, beats gym leaders, etc... Good luck with this, I'm sure you can turn it into a great fic if you listen to your criticisms. :)

[Onaicul]

Finally, a fic with Zangoose. I agree that there needs to be more description. Also, I think Zangoose has a thumb. It's a little nub of red skin nest to his claws, but that's just a speculation of mine. I'll try to show you what I mean in the attachment. I hope it works

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