To Set Free

[InvisableKecleon]

Hi, I am new here and I been reading some fic for a while so I decided to do one to. I have read something about originality and I know I didn't do one thing but I really like the pokemon so I had to. Yes, this is a trainer fic but different from others.


To Set Free


Prologue


Hi, I am Joe. I live in Little Root with my aunt and uncle for now. I will be leaving soon to become a trainer and so I can earn enough money to get my parents out of a Jail in Johto. They were caught by the Johto Police for a crime they did not commit. Also I am going to find out who really did steal the telescope from Golden Rod Tower a new place there where it has the largest telescope in the world.

It has been 5 days with my new pokemon Treecko. I been staying around town battling people that come along and I have made 30 dollars already from battles. I need to have a goal of 2,000 to set them free and then find the people who caused this horrendous tragedy to my family and I.

My parents Jody and Caleb have been there for about a few weeks and I promised them I will help them and get them free. They say that they miss me and hope for the best. Also they have to do community service and tell their story all the time that they were set up some how. They feel old friends of theirs had something to do with this since they joined a group called Talamo. They are a group of people who have been sent all over to do evil things.

Let the fight to win and set my parents free begin.

Could you all tell me what you think so far? Thanks, Chapter one will be out later if I have the chance. I know this is not much but I jsut wanted to give you all a taste of whats in store.

[Mickoz]

OK, well, that was an alright start, but there are a few things to point out.

1) - Writing style. I noticed a lot of short sentences. Those sentences could have been linked. Or they could have had more detail.

That's an example of the sort of thing you were doing alot. A better way to say that would have been: 'I noticed a lot of short sentences, which could have been linked (using commas), or have had more detail in them.'

That brings me on to the second point, detail. Many people seem to think prologues are traditionally shorter, but to me they should introduce the plot, the scene, and the main character. We got the idea of the plot and one word on the scene, but nothing about Joe's character. Furthermore, there are alot of points that could have easily been expanded on, e.g What is 'Little Root' like? - What are the Aunt and Uncle like? - What is the Treecko like? - WHat are the details of this 'crime'?

Hopefully the answers to those questions will be revealed later.

I'll look forward to seeing the story progress and improve.

[InvisableKecleon]

Thanks Mickoz, that really helps me so i did some touch ups to it and you can check it out if you want. Also in this post is a preview of the first chapter.


To Set Free


Prologue

Hi, my name is Joe and I live in the small quiet town of Little Root. Little Root is a nice town with a few small one story houses, a lab, a school, a Pokemon Center, and a Poke Mart. I am one of the people who live there with my aunt Tina and Uncle Chris. They just moved here a few weeks ago after my parents were sent to jail, but more on that later.

I am 14 years old, 5’5”, brown hair, green eyes, average weight, and very nice to others. I have a pokemon named Treecko which is a very crazy pokemon that likes to hit me with its tail every time it wins a battle. My goal now is to find out who framed my parents and bring them to justice.

My aunt Tina thinks that they will be freed soon and that I don’t have to go and collect money from battles for my parents. She said if I go keep the money for myself and be like a normal trainer. But I feel she is wrong and that they won’t be freed. My uncle Chris believes I am doing a good thing and he approves of anything I do. My uncle is the best person ever, he always tries to make things right and this is one thing he is doing right, letting me go. To bad my aunt doesn’t understand but she says it’s all up to me.

My parents Jody and Caleb were researchers doing a report on the new telescope as it was being finished. After a night of looking a huge explosion happened and it disappeared. My parents were linked to it because they were there close to the time of the crime. The cops went to the hotel they were at and asked them questions, after that they sent them to jail. Each day now they tell reporters that come by that they didn’t do it and someone framed them. So far they think it was some old friends of theirs who joined a group called Talamo. They are bad news and like to destroy things. So far some of the people who work for it have been captured and are in jail.

Now I have to go battle trainers and collect money from battles so I can bail them and get them a good lawyer. But as I go along I will go battle gym leaders because I can earn lots of money doing that. I need to earn at least 2,000 dollars so I can get them out and then some to get a lawyer. I hope this goes alright and I can do it fast and easy. Here I go!


Hope that is a little better but I promise chapters will be much better! Here is a preview of Chapter 1!



“Treecko finish it and use another pound attack,” I shouted.

“Wurmple please get up,” he pleaded.

Treecko ran forward to the hardly moving worm pokemon but then Treecko stopped cold in its tracks. Wurmple got back up and lifted its head up to the sky and started spraying to what it seemed to be a string attack. The string fell back down to the ground and formed a weird circle around the worm till it was completely covered. Soon small spike like needles popped out of the string causing some of the strong to fall to form a new pokemon called Cascoon. It was now turned a light purplish color all over and then soon a eye appeared in the middle.

“Cool, your pokemon evolved,” I said to the trainer.

“Thanks, now Cascoon use string shot,” he said with a grin on his face and I got a little worried.



Well theres a little part. I will prob. have it finished late tonight have it posted by tomarrow night. Thanks for reading!

[DannyBoy]

Ok, so far this sounds pretty original with the new evil people and that your parents are in jail. I also thinks its cool that after you battle you get money. Thats like the game but thats ok cause I never seen that done before. The prolouge was a ok length and I hope you know to have lots of detail and have long chapters to make it good. Treecko seems like it will be a funny pokemon to see. If it evolves and wacks Joe with its tail that will hurt. I am glad you followed Mickzos help and you re did it because it is much better. I will keep reading to see how it goes. Keep it up!

[Mickoz]

Wow, I'm really happy you took my advice, and I'm even more pleased at the improvement! I'm already alot more involved in the story.

But in the real world he'd need a ****load of money to get a lawyer! :D Urghl - lawyers :mad: !!!

Can you imagine a world without lawyers?:

:wave: :) :yes: :yes: :)

Oh well. I guess they're here to stay. :no: