Finding the bond between Pokemon and humans

[Team Rocket's Lugia]

Prolouge:
Ho-oh files over the skies of Hoenn, after being disgusted at Ash for beating up all his pokemon after losing a gym match, and Ho-oh is now searching for a new trainer to watch, he flies over the quiet New bark Town, and sees a trainer playfully playing with his wooper. Ho-oh closes in, to hear that his mom is calling him in, to get dressed for the registration at the Pokemon Centre. Ho-oh thought, I'll watch this trainer for a while, but what is his name? Then he herad his mom say "Cyril, get ready, we're leaving soon."

Ah, so his name is Cyril, Ho-oh thought.
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At the pokemon centre, Cyril asked Joy to sign him up, and recived a Pokegear, a Pokenav, a Trainer card and a Pokedex. Then joy asked whch gym he will be challenging first, and he said Olivine City, Janine.
(The gym leader changed)

You shall know that the Pokemon league rules changed, and a trainer can choose his gyms to battle thourghout hoenn, johto, and kanto. As long as he gets ten badges, he may either chanllenge the Whirl Pokemon league, or the Pacifilog league.
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Watch for Chapter 1: the route to Cherrygrove.

Any suggestions and comments welcome. i know this is short, but I promise the chapters will be longer.

[Bjarni Haraldur Sigfússon]

Originally posted by Team Rocket's Lugia
Prolouge:
Ho-oh files over the skies of Hoenn, after being disgusted at Ash for beating up all his pokemon after losing a gym match, and Ho-oh is now searching for a new trainer to watch, he flies over the quiet New bark Town, and sees a trainer playfully playing with his wooper. Ho-oh closes in, to hear that his mom is calling him in, to get dressed for the registration at the Pokemon Centre. Ho-oh thought, I'll watch this trainer for a while, but what is his name? Then he herad his mom say "Cyril, get ready, we're leaving soon."

Ah, so his name is Cyril, Ho-oh thought.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
At the pokemon centre, Cyril asked Joy to sign him up, and recived a Pokegear, a Pokenav, a Trainer card and a Pokedex. Then joy asked whch gym he will be challenging first, and he said Olivine City, Janine.
(The gym leader changed)

You shall know that the Pokemon league rules changed, and a trainer can choose his gyms to battle thourghout hoenn, johto, and kanto. As long as he gets ten badges, he may either chanllenge the Whirl Pokemon league, or the Pacifilog league.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Watch for Chapter 1: the route to Cherrygrove.

Any suggestions and comments welcome. i know this is short, but I promise the chapters will be longer.

I like this FanFiction! Keep it up!

[mr_pikachu]

This fic looks alright so far. Your grammar seems to be fine, and I see no spelling mistakes. Remember to add description for flavor, though! Don't forget, readers like to be able to see the events in their minds! Description aids that tremendously!

In addition, be careful not to change tenses in your writing. Choose either present or past, and stick with it. (In my experience, past tense typically works better.)

This seems to be beginning as a normal trainer fic, what with Cyril just starting out and all, with the slight twist of Ho-oh watching over him. Many trainer fics fall into the pitfall of having the trainer simply catch a lot of Pokemon, win Gym battles and tournaments, become world famous, etc. Make sure that your fic will distinguish itself from the others, as that will make the difference between 2 readers and 20. Good luck with this fic, and continue writing!


P.S. Also, good luck in the Mod Contest! May the best contestant win!

[Andrew]

Hi Bjarni, please don't give 1 line replies, or quote someone elses work, it takes up unecessary space.

Team Rocket's Lugia, listen to Mr. Pika's info K :) And don't you dare take the beaten Johto Track!

[DannyBoy]

Ok... I think you seem to be going somewhere with this. The Prolouge seems intresting. As long as you keep it original and spice things up and making things different and not just a trainer fic it will be good. Remember to have description in your fic and that will help it and of course length but you know it. I will check on this when you get a chapter up to see how you did. Keep it up!

[Team Rocket's Lugia]

Oh, thanks, and yes, I not plan to make this into a regular trainer fic, but one with a big twist, and yes, more descriptions that's for sure, I am glad this is better than my previous one!

The next chapter will be up either tonight or tommrow.

[Team Rocket's Lugia]

Chapter 1: Road to Cherrygrove

Ho-oh watched as Cyril happily recived his stuff, and set out. On his journey, he wears a Green T-Shirt, with Black pants, which happen to be his favourite colours. As Cyril walked along, he was attacked by a Sentret. Ho-oh thought, this would be my chance to see this trainer's skills!
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Go Wooper! said Cyril, as Wooper appeared in a flash of Red light. Then sentret immidiatly used a Tackle attack, but Wooper moved away just in time, and then Cyril ordered Wooper to use a Water Gun, which scored a critical hit, but Sentret used Tail Whip, which hit, but Cyril knew that it didn't do damage, so Cyril orderd a Mud Shot, which hit, and knocked out the sentret. Cyril happily moved on.

As Cyril contiuned, he was attacked by a chubby yellow pokemon like a punch bag. Cyril took out the pokedex to verify it, and it was a Makuhita. Cyril thought, Makuhita dont live here! But he still went into battle. Wooper came out andCyril ordered a water Gun, but Makuhita came close to wooper to avoid the stream of water, and used a Slam on wooper, however, it didn't do much, because of wooper's slime, but Ho-oh and Cyril both knew that the Wooper had somehow learned Acid Armour, and used it. However, as Wooper recoverd, Makuhita used a Focus punch, and almost fainted the Wooper, but suddenly, Wooper glowed white! It was evloving! Then when the light was gone, a Quagsire stood in wooper's place. And Cyril said, Quagsire, I knew that Hoothoot training paid off! But Quagsire didn't notice Makuhita charging at him, going for a Sesmic toss.

Cyril closed his eyes, but heard nothing. quagsire had gotten out of the way! But now, Quagsire, see if you know EARTHQUAKE! However, Quagsire just stood there. Cyril knew Quagsire needed exprience, so he ordered a Water Gun, which did alot, but did not knock down the Makuhita, so the makuhita went for a rollout, but Quagsire jumped out of the way, but when Makuhita came back, Quagsire used a Water Gun to stop the rolling punchbag, and when the dust cleared Makuhita was knocked out. Cyril cheered!
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Ho-oh saw that how strong the wooper was, enough for evloving, so Cyril must have trained before! But Ho-oh still wonders if Cyril will make the right desision, to catch the Makuhita. The Makuhita was Super strong, and it had to be abondend, so Ho-oh looked down. Cyril therw a pokeball, and soon heard a ding sound. Ho-oh knew, Cyril made the right desison, but then, Makuhita was called out, but punching Cyril. Ho-oh expected Cyril to get mad, but he did not, Cyril picked up Makuhita and saw some bruises, and saw a little tag. Cyril thought, he must have been abondend! And he asked, did your previous owner hit you? Makuhita nodded and said "Makuhita" in an calm tone. Then, Cyril took out some potion and sprayed Makuhita. Now you'll be all better.

Ho-oh knew this was a kind trainer, and could be the bond, but to make sure, Ho-oh contiuned to follow Cyril.
off in the distance, both Ho-oh and Cyril could see Cherryqrove.
=============================================
That's it folks! If it needs to be longer tell me!

[mr_pikachu]

Okay, first off, you're still having a bit of trouble with tenses. I think I should clarify what I said earlier. All narration of the story should be in one tense. However, when a character says or thinks something, it should be at the appropriate tense according to the time it was said/thought. Therefore, if something is happening during the speech/thought, and that speech/thought describes the event, it should be in present tense. If the event has already happened, it should be in past tense. And if it is going to happen (or if the character simply expects it to), it should be in future tense.

Another thing to remember is the importance of quotations. We have a slight unusual method for fanfic writing. Generally speaking, if a character says something, double quotes ("/") should go around what is said. If it is a thought, single quotes ('/') should go around what is thought. You had some of the right idea, just without the quotes. Also, change paragraphs when changing between characters in your thoughts or speech. Remember those tips! They can make your fic a lot easier to read! Make sure your other punctuation and spelling are correct, also!

Also, don't fall into the pitfall of having your character save the world, keep the peace, make friends with all Pokemon, etc. Your twist needs to be something totally out of the ordinary! Something people expect to see on the anime probably won't do. It needs to be truly unique! Good luck, and please continue! :wave:

[DannyBoy]

Ok, with out looking at Mr.Pikachus respone this is what I will say and sorry if its already been said.

Even though you said Wooper has trained alot I still think it went to fast in evolving, you could have had it evolve at the first gym but I think its a lil to early. You could work a little bit more on description of things around you and stuff. You described some at the beinning and it went downhill from there. Description is one thing that can help you add length into your fics.

It should be longer also, if you have word use that and try to write 2 pages on it and that would be good. Also add more stuff into it and that will make it longer besides a battle with a wild pokemon and a catch. Add things like signs, chats with people... Things like that can help add length.

I hope that helps some and mr.pikas post. Keep it up! If you need help on anything feel free 2 im me at DANNIFRMDABLOCK on aim and I will be happy to help or pm me on the forum.

[Team Rocket's Lugia]

Thank you for your suggestions on to improving this fic, however, 2A was written right after 1, so 2B should be better.

And why couldn't Cyril be training his Wooper before?

Welcome to Chapter 2A of THE BOND BETWEEN POKEMON AND HUMANS!

This chapter is mainly character devolepment.
Note, I will contiune to write this chapter, but I am trying to get this to you early

As Ho-oh watched down at Cyril, impressed at his actions, and saw Cyril talking to Makuhita. But then, a flock of Pelliper flew at Ho-oh, but as Ho-oh turned around, he launched a Sacred Fire attack and sacred most of them away, however, one Pelliper-a baby, got hit and fainted. This was a Rare green Pelliper, that occasionaly Sparkled. Ho-oh knew he should use recover, but it was too risky to catch the Pelliper, then Ho-oh used Sunny Day to distract Cyril. The sun shone at full brightness, making the nearby ponds sparkle, the trees swayed by a light breeze. The plan worked, Cyril and his Pokemon were looking at the scenery, so Ho-oh swooped down, and caught the young Pelliper just in time, and Ho-oh went up to the skies.


Makuhita turned around to scratch himself, but saw Ho-oh's departure to the skies. Makuhita got Cyril's attention, and Cyril looked around, all he saw was some glitter, and a beautiful Rainbow. Cyril knew the legend of Ho-oh, but obviously, Cyril thought it can't be true. Then Cyril continued to Cherrygrove City.


Ho-oh hugged the Green pelliper, and used Recover, the pelliper was happy, and Ho-oh flew to it's flock, which was luckily heading for Cherrygrove. But, the Pellipers were thinking Ho-oh is hurting the shiny pelliper, and began attacking with Hydro Pumps. Ho-oh was severly weakned, but blew the Pelliper away with a Whrilwind. Ho-oh could hear off in the distance the Green Pelliper explaining the rescue to it,s flock. Ho-oh then noticed he was in Cherrygrove already, and was flying too low, but there was a person looking out the window, however, as Ho-oh quickly shot up, no one noticed him.

Cyril was at the Pokemon center, which was a large dome building coloured red, and a Pokeball desigh on the Roof. As he handed his Pokemon to Nurse Joy, Cyril asked where to get tickets for the ferry and where it is. Nurse Joy pointed out the window to the ferry, which was right beside the PC. Then Nurse Joy asked Cyril where would he like to go, and Cyril replied Olivine.

Nurse Joy told Cyril that will be 50 Pok¨¦money and the ferry will be leaving in 1 hour. Cyril purchased a ticket and then Nurse Joy handed Cyril his Pokeballs.

Cyril decided to take a stroll in the City, and did that, the city was beautiful. Cyril looked at the Cherry trees that lined the roads, and the ocean to the west, but then noticed a board that said WORLD MAP. Cyril thought that will be perfect to plan his trip!

Here are the gyms Cyril will challenge (in order)
Olivine
Ecuteck
Goldenrod
Saffron
Vermillion
Dewford
Petalburg
Fortree
Indigo League

Just as Cyril finished planning, a boy about the same age as Cyril, but shorter came to the board, and was looking at the map. Then the boy saw the Pokeballs on Cyril's belt and became interested, and so did Cyril. So they both said at the same time ¡°Hey, lets have a Pokemon battle!¡±. Then both agreed, and the boy introduced himself as Selwyn, and Cyril told the boy his name. So they found a park, and surprisingly, there were battlefields, so Cyril took one side of a field, and Selwyn took the other..............
TO BE CONTIUNED

[mr_pikachu]

Okay, like IloveX-TINA said, work on description. That will help improve the length of your fic. This one has short chapters, which really isn't a good thing. Try to make longer chapters to give the readers more of a feel of what exactly is going on.

You seemed to contradict yourself at some points, such as Ho-oh flying too low over Cherrygrove, but it still not mattering. Also, watch the tenses! You switched once or twice again here! You're doing better, but it could still use some work.

One final note: Something seems to be wrong with your net connection or something. Just look at your post. It has all sorts of strange symbols and junk in places where there should be punctuation marks, etc. At some points I don't even know what you're trying to say because of that. You might want to edit your post and fix that. Well, I've gotta go, so I'll see you later! And good luck in the Mod Contest! :wave:

[Team Rocket's Lugia]

Hmm, I see, I typed this on Word, and uploaded it on here, however, it screwed up, I'll fix it.

[Team Rocket's Lugia]

Doh! I got DQ'ed from the Mod contest, but i am not going to give up the fic! Heres 2B!

Ho-oh looked at Cyril and Selwyn, and saw them battling, so Ho-oh flew higher, and stopped to watch the battle. Down below, Cyril sent out Makuhita, and Selwyn sent out Aron. Cyril chuckled, and said, hehe, type advantage. Selwyn ddn't get mad, but said he has strategy.

Makuhita, Foucs punch! And Cyril's Makuhita was foucusing, and Selwyn told Aron to use Dig, and did so. But Makuhita didn';t notice, and scremend a loud "Makuhita!" and charged at where Aron used to be, but insted crashed into a tree, and the young tree fell down, but Makuhita got out of the way, but just as the tree was falling down, Aron came out from the ground, and got smaked by the tree, however, because of the Steel element, Aron didn't get hurt much. However, lots of dust came from the tree, and soon got mixed by a smoke bomb.

After the smoke cleared, three men riding different Pokemon appeared. One was riding a Tropius, one was riding an Aerodactyl, and the last man, obviously the leader, because of ther fancier outfit, had a large bird pokemon, that had Steel plates covering it's body, a strong Steel tail, a long beak (thankfully not made of steel) and 4 sharp large steel wings.
Cyril took out his Pokedex, and scanned the pokemon. "SKARKNIGHT the steel knight bird Pokemon. The evloved form of Skarmory, this fast pokemon flies near Mach 5 speed, despite it's heavy body, SKARKNIGHT has very powerful wings, and a deadly beak, which it uses as a sword." Right after the pokedex finished, the man on the Skarknight said enough chit-chat, lets go! Selwyn then asked who they are, and why they're here, and they began their motto:

The man on the Skarknight began: To infest the world with are evilness,
Then the

[DannyBoy]

Ok...for starters I dont want to sound mean but this needs some work. Length, length, and length. Writing a couple paragraphs isn't that intresting. You added a battle that was funny with Makuhuita running into a tree, adding a new pokemon, and tha was about it in about 3 paragrpahs. You could have made this much longer if you added the next thing a chapter needs, description. Y9ou did good with the new pokemon but that cant be it, you need more. Describe what it was like outside, where you were, what it looks like where you are, what the pokemon look like, and little things like that can add length to a chapter. Take your time when your writing on this, try to do at least a page or 2 on word and work your way up. I think if you try really hard you can make this good. Keep it up!

[mr_pikachu]

As IloveX-TINA said, this needs a lot more length. Describe the settings, the Pokemon, the trainers, the actions, etc. That will add length and feel to your fic. It will make it much easier for the readers to relate to your character. And that's a good thing.

Also, I want to quote you on something here.

Originally posted by Team Rocket's Lugia

But Makuhita didn';t notice, and scremend a loud "Makuhita!" and charged at where Aron used to be, but insted crashed into a tree, and the young tree fell down, but Makuhita got out of the way, but just as the tree was falling down, Aron came out from the ground, and got smaked by the tree, however, because of the Steel element, Aron didn't get hurt much.
That is NOT one sentence. That's more like three or four. You can't compress sentences together like that! Here are a few reasons why:

1. It is improper grammar. (That alone should be enough.)

2. It makes your fic hard to read.

3. It shows that you are rushing and not bothering to break up your sentences.

4. It just plain looks bad.

Also, work on spelling and punctuation! For example, "smaked" should be "smacked", and "didn';t" should be "didn't". Take your time! Fic writing is not a race, it is an art. I'd like to inspire you to write more patiently by leaving you with an idea I once read. Even if you could create 500 pictures a day, every day, for the rest of your life, if the person sitting next to you creates one picture, over the entire span of that person's life, that is better than each and every one of your pictures, then that person has truly created more art. I will leave you on that note. :wave:

[Team Rocket's Lugia]

Yeah, I noticed this too, and the chapter will get deleted, as I was in a hurry, and yes, I was affected by the big blackout thing.

Next chapter up in at least 3 days, as I need time to write a quality chapter.