No Way Out- The Reality of Shane Benoit

[Reborned-Dragon]

PROLOUGE

A Less Traveled Road

I layed there on the bench of Cube Park, listening to St. Anger on my hand-me down walkman. Nearly everything I own was handed down to me by my ******* brother Vince, a once popular Pokemon Trainer who has become Pokemon Master in Kanto and Johto but now he lives in a hole in the ground when we was drunk at a saucey puppet show. "The idiot had it coming to him." I said outloud quietly as I got up. I then looked up at Pidgeys gliding through the skies with ease. Now I knew one thing to never do as a trainer. Never go to a saucey puppet show drunk unless I wanna live with Vinny in a hole near PikaBurger.

I took the long way home as I continued to listen to St. Anger. Oh yeah, I'm Shane Benoit, a 14-year-old, soon-to-be fourth generation Pokemon Trainer. There are 9 badges in the West Coast League. The badges are Cruiser, U.S., Intercontinental, Hardcore, Amber, Dragon Edge, Static, Kinetic and Undisputed. I know it'll be hard just to get the first one but I'll be ready and so will my Poke`mon. I just smiled as I opened the door to my quaint little home in the countryside of the 619 Islands, home to the West Coast League. "Mom, I'm home!" I yelled out, placing my walkman on a nearby table and tossing myself onto my beanbag chair infront of the TV. I didn't get a answer despite my call echoing throughout the house. All of a sudden, a Holo-disk flew to me and projected Mom. The message said:

Hey Shane! I'm out shopping to get your gear for tommorow. I left a special surprise for you next to your beanbag chair so check it out. With Love, Mom

I shrugged as I looked to my right to see a small box with my name on it. I opened it to see a Poke`ball. Wow, my first Pokemon! I eagerly tossed it at the ground, only to see it exploded in a thick, smelly green fog that smelled of a mix of burned rubber, skunk piss and my Grandma's feet at the same time. "DAMMIT MOM! DAMMIT!" I said, coughing and laughing angrily at the same time. Don't ask me how I coughed and laughed at the same time. Just know I got skills and I need a shower and some of those little pine trees really badly!

END PROLOUGE


Chapter 1 will be up tommorow. Later!

[Mewfour]

*rolls eyes*

Right, let's get something clear. It's late, I'm tired, and I can't sleep. Expect no mercy.

I layed there on the bench of Cube Park, listening to St. Anger on my hand-me down walkman.

Such a rushed start. Who are you? What are you like? What do you like? What's your hurry, man?

Nearly everything I own was handed down to me by my ******* brother Vince, a once popular Pokemon Trainer who has become Pokemon Master in Kanto and Johto but now he lives in a hole in the ground when we was drunk at a saucey puppet show. "The idiot had it coming to him." I said outloud quietly as I got up. I then looked up at Pidgeys gliding through the skies with ease. Now I knew one thing to never do as a trainer. Never go to a saucey puppet show drunk unless I wanna live with Vinny in a hole near PikaBurger.

Sorry, but I interpreted that as nothing but mindlesss drole after "saucy puppet show." Again, so much of a rush. Where's the focus? The development? After the shallow descriotion of your character, why should anyone give a **** wether he lives in a hole with Vinny?

I took the long way home as I continued to listen to St. Anger. Oh yeah, I'm Shane Benoit, a 14-year-old, soon-to-be fourth generation Pokemon Trainer. There are 9 badges in the West Coast League. The badges are Cruiser, U.S., Intercontinental, Hardcore, Amber, Dragon Edge, Static, Kinetic and Undisputed. I know it'll be hard just to get the first one but I'll be ready and so will my Poke`mon.

What? That's it? Nine badges, my name's so and so, that's all. No drama? Nothing but rambling drivel unless it has something behind it.

I just smiled as I opened the door to my quaint little home in the countryside of the 619 Islands, home to the West Coast League. "Mom, I'm home!" I yelled out, placing my walkman on a nearby table and tossing myself onto my beanbag chair infront of the TV. I didn't get a answer despite my call echoing throughout the house. All of a sudden, a Holo-disk flew to me and projected Mom. The message said:

Hey Shane! I'm out shopping to get your gear for tommorow. I left a special surprise for you next to your beanbag chair so check it out. With Love, Mom

I shrugged as I looked to my right to see a small box with my name on it. I opened it to see a Poke`ball. Wow, my first Pokemon! I eagerly tossed it at the ground, only to see it exploded in a thick, smelly green fog that smelled of a mix of burned rubber, skunk piss and my Grandma's feet at the same time. "DAMMIT MOM! DAMMIT!" I said, coughing and laughing angrily at the same time. Don't ask me how I coughed and laughed at the same time. Just know I got skills and I need a shower and some of those little pine trees really badly!

Again, what's the rush? Go home, get message from mom, open up stinky pokeball, the end. Wow, that was so thin it gave me a papercut.

*sigh* And now comes the nitty gritty. How to improve this:

For starters, slow the heck down, man! Jumping from randomly disjointed idea no. 1 to randomly disjointed idea no. 2 is more likely to give your readers a headache than it is to entertain them. Belee 'dat.

Second of all, if you're going to make references to WWE/F/WCW/ECW etc, please try to make them less obvious. Vince, Shane, Benoit, West Coast, 619, Cruiserwieight, US, Intercontinental, Hardcore, and Undisputed. Sure, it's all good fun to make the obscure reference or three, but when you string a whole pile of them together like that, it gets unoriginal and, quite frankly, flat-out annoying.

Overall rating: 3/10. I bumped it from a 2 to a 3 for a fellow Wrestleholic ;)

Edit: Oh, and No Way Out is another WWE reference too. Can you spot mine?

[mistysakura]

That could have easily been three times as long. I know it's a prologue, but...

Well, original. The trainer's not perfect! Yay! And I like the pokeball being stinky.

Mewfour was right about some things, though. It did seem rushed, as if you wrote it in 5 minutes while waiting for the bus or something. I don;t mind the lack of drama so much; in fact, I don't care for dramatic stuff, but you fic runs so fast that I practically can't get a grip on anything. People need time to soak in information, and that is the time to further develop your ideas. For instance, why is Vince like that? Why can he hand down discmans if he lives in a hole? How do you feel about the league? I know that length isn't everything, but evenb a prologue should be at least a page in legth on Word, unless it's a really good one that gets straight to the point with one simple idea.

Description was definitely there, but some working-on would be needed. A nice setting of Vince's hole would be nice, for instance.

After you finish a chapter, proofread it. If you did, unless your brain works 10 times faster than mine, you would see what I mean about the hurriedness. Then, you edit it. It's not a stupid thing to do; heck, I even edit posts as I go along.

I'm quite surprised that this came from you (I had to check the username to be sure), cnsidering I've seen you around quite a lot before. At least you took in all the stuff about originality, I guess. And pease don't kill me for saying the above. I know I'm really blunt, and I just can't help it. I think I'm a bit better than Mewfour, though. :D