The Vors League

[SWAMPERT1]

Hello i am here today to introduce my next fan-fic, The Vors League. My other fic is dead and i wanted something origanal so here it is. This is the prolog(the reason its short) and ill probly have my next chapter up on the weekend. So please enjoy. BTW like my last fic this one will hopfully get better each fic.
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~VORS LEAGUE~

~PRO LOG~

There once was a land east of Kanto were many pokemon lived with there trainers. Here there was sixteen gyms, fore the country was so big. With the gyms came a league held yearly were the best trainers from around the country would come to compete to clam the prize as number one trainer. Tomorrow in a town known as Nail Town, a young trainer who goes by the name of Sin is going to head of into a world of adventure, were he will train to become the number one pokemon trainer. This is his story.

It was 9:30 pm and Sin still could not get to sleep for he was way to excited about tomorrow. For tomorrow was the day Sin would head out to start his journey in the Vors region of the world. Sin now a thirteen year old boy who would, in less than 12 hours would start heading out into the world of Vors to start his pokemon journey. Sin was lying on his bed while watching TV, when his mother and the pet Growlithe came into the room.

“Sin you should read this and get some sleep.” Sin’s mother said handing a booklet to him.

“Growl!” Growlthe replied.

“Okay mom” Sin said with a smile.

Sin then opened the booklet to see a picture of the local town professor, Prof. Pine. He was an middle aged man with a white lab coat on and black hair. He probley stood at 6’ and weighed about 150-160 lbs.

Sin read and found out that the three starter pokemon were going to be Cubone, the ground type, Abra the Psychic type, and lastly shellder the water type. Sin had already decided whom he would pick. He new him and that pokemon would quickly rise to the top and become the best team in the land.

Sin finished reading the book and hopped into his bed, shut of his light and closed his eyes into a deep slumber.

[Heavenly Sage HLSOE]

This is a well...amateurish fic. The plot really pulls it down, its extremely trainerish d00d and you'll lose points with the readers because of it. The only way you can make it up to the readers (refer to The Emerald League by Captain Pringle or Damon's Menace by Dratinihaunter_13 if you want an example) is by having sublime language which is sadly a bit missing here.

Length is a problem. Readers want length. Use MS World, d00d, make it 2 pages long @ least. Throw in the language and the readers will come.

[Drago]

Yeah, I'll have to agree that there are a few problems here.

The main thing with the prologue (and additionally, the first chapter) is to establish what's new about it, what it has that makes it different from any other fic. Usually that involves plot elements, but with a good-sized prologue, you can get a feel for the writing style of the writer, as well as the personality and goals of the main cast. While we are aware that Sin's about to go on a Pokemon journey, he just doesn't seem to have any reactions that haven't been seen before. Confidence, anticipation... It's a used solution to a used formula.

Additionally, there's not really much description. While you don't have to go all-out with things, usually its best to set down at least the visual description. Without that, the reader has no accurate image in their head, and can only come to their own conclusions. Good at times, bad most of the time.

The fortunate thing is, since this is only starting, there are still a lot of ways to go. Hey, the first chapter isn't even up yet, for all I know there could be a random plot twist that completely shifts the balance. However, there simply isn't enough incentive to read on. The inevitable seems to lie ahead, and it's not going to hook in readers.
And, chapters need to be a decent enough length to get out a sort of story in itself. That way, you can hit the reader with a slew of action, while at the same time making things seem more respectable. Not to mention, with a good-sized chapter, you can get a good theme happening. (Before posting, I skimmed through your previous fic, Green's Quest. If you can keep the chapter length at the standard you had there, you'll do great!)
There were a few grammatical and spelling errors, but nothing too out of the ordinary. It was still comprehensible for what it was.

And finally, I'm sorry to say that your title is likely to scare people away. It's sad, yes, but Pokemon quests are hard enough to attract people to in the first place, by using the term league in the title, it'll be hellish. They'll avoid it, since it just doesn't sound that interesting. Just giving you a heads up on that one. Good luck!

[DannyBoy]

Well Drago really said what is needed to say but I will say this seems original so far. You got the new land, different starters, and more gyms. I think you could have made it so there was no professor but that’s ok even though it’s not that original. I think Sin is a very interesting kind of name. As I read it I thought he would take Growlithe but I guess not because that would be interesting since he didn't have to do the professor thing. You could have added a little bit more length to it also. When you start or continue writing the chapters remember to describe the pokemon, places, people, and little things like that so readers can get a picture or something in their head because I think that makes it more interesting if you could picture the story in your head. But since it’s the prologue I don't have that much to say but take what everyone says in to consideration. Keep it up!

[SWAMPERT1]

next chapter time.
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~The Vors League~

~It Begins~

*BEEP-BEEP-BEEP* Sin’s alarm clock went of at exactly 8:00 am, right when Sin wanted it too.

Sin walked across the room and shut the alarm off. He would miss this morning, for today Sin would leave on his pokemon journey and not wake up to that alarm for a long time. Sin walked to the bathroom and took a leak. After that he took a shower. “Gotta keep clean.” He said after his quick shower. He then walked to his rooms and put on his clothes. He saw himself in the mirror. He saw a thirteen year old who was about 5’8 and had an average build. He was wearing black shorts that just passed his knee’s length wise, a white shirt, a silver watch on his right wrist and a grey wrist band on his other wrist. He also was wearing white ankle socks and pure white sc8er shoes. (yes folks he wears REAL clothes! Not those weird pokemon style clothes.) He then grabbed and put on a black ball cap and said “Lookin good!” Sin then walked down stairs to see his mom cooking some breakfast.

“Mom what are you making?” Sin asked.

“Your favorite thing Sin.” Sin’s mom said. “Eggs and Ham.”

“Okay Mom. Ill come eat as soon as I grab my backpack.”

Sin then walked out of the kitchen and into the living room to grab his bag when he saw that the TV was on and Prof. Pine was talking.

“Hello everybody as you may know every year we show the three town trainers who start out on there journey and today is the day. So if the three trainers are watching this please come NOW!”

“Crap.” Sin said.

Green then put on his backpack and ran to the kitchen.

“Mom im sorry but I need to go now so ill just have too eat a energy bar and head out.”

“Okay honey, I guess this is goodbye.”

Sin walked over to his mother and gave her a hug.

“I love you mom” Sin said.

Sin then walked to the front door and opened it to see a dirt road that lead to the lab were Sin would get his first pokemon. Sin closed the door and walked down the dirt road. He passed his neighbors houses and wondered if they were the other trainers leaving today. Sin came to the lab which had a bid telescope on top to view the stars better. Sin opened the lab door to see many book shellves and a sign that pointed to behind a bookshelf wair Prof. Pine would be waiting.

Sin walked around the bookshelf to see Prof. Pine a weird, shiney machine and his two friends, Cal and Zak.

“Ahh good.” The Professor said. “Now your all hear”

Sin was walking towards the others.

The professor then explained how which trainer would get too pick there pokemon first.

“This is how we will deside who picks first. Ill get the computer to randomly select a number between one and ten and the person with the closest goes first and the second closest goes second and if your number is farthest away you get the last remaining pokemon. Does every one understand?”

“Yep!”said Zak, Cal and Sin.

“Okay, now please say your numbers.” The Professor said.

Sin then said loudly “FIVE!”, Zak said “SEVEN!”, and Cal said “THREE!”

“Good luck boys.” Prof. Pine said. He then pressed a button on the computer and a number was selected. A number appeared on the screen, it was eight. So Zak got to choose first.

Zak walked up to the machine and saw three buttons. One button was used to get a pokeball holding Abra, one got you Cubone and the other got you non other than Shellder. Zak pushed a button. Out popped a pokeball. Zak grabbed it and tossed it to the wood floor and a bright light appeared to reveal a pokemon which looked like a shell.

“Hello Shellder” Zak said with a smile. “Are you ready to head out on an adventure?”

“Shell!” Shellder said happily.

Zak then pointed his pokeball at shellder and a red ray zapped it and shellder disapeered.

“Well now that I have my pokemon I guess ill start heading out.”

Zak then walked out the door and started walking towards the next town, Cell Town.

“Your turn Sin” the Professor said.

Sin ran up to the machine and pressed a botton. Out popped a pokeball. Sin grabbed it and also toosed it to the floor, revealing a Cubone. “Hey Cubone, are you ready to go on a journey?”

“CU!” cubone yelled.

“Well then return!”

Sin helled out a pokeball and the ray from this one also zapped the brown creature with a skull mask until it dissapered.

Sin then put the pokeball on his belt and left while saying goodbye to Cal the camera’s and the professor. Sin walked out the door and took a path which would lead to the back pathway to Cell Town.

Sin was now about 1 km from the lab when he saw a odd clothed man with an “A”. The man was wearing black pants and an Emerald coloured hooded vest, which was over top of a black t-shirt. He also was wearing a pair of black sunglasses.

Sin walked over to the man.

“Do you want to have a pokemon battle?” Sin asked with a smile.

“Maybe later kid, im busy here. I need to go but remember this name, Team Aero!” The man then ran away into the nearby woods.

“Odd” Sin thought to himself.

Sin then continued on the dirt road and into the wooded area were the Aero member had ran into.

[2ra]

Well, it was expected that he would go to the Pokemon Center, and at least it was a little bit better described. At least getting Cubone was kinda original.

Some sentences had double spacing where they didn't need them, so you need to work on that, and you have a few spelling and grammer mistakes. I just want you to know, I'm not trying to bash your fic, I'm just trying to tell you what you need to work on ^^

To see some good examples, try reading some other fics, that usually helps ^^

[DannyBoy]

Well this seems ok but it needs to have more length and description. Read my post form before on what to describe it helps and it makes it more interesting. I do like that the starters are different. Also in the beginning you call Sin 'Green'. Whats up with that? Just take your time and add lots of description. Keep it up!

[SWAMPERT1]

thnx guys. ILXT i gueass i said "GREEN" because my last fic caracter was named gree. i fixed it though.

[Venasaur89]

Okay, I read your fic, and it looks good. THe plot is good, a new made up land, but you need more details. Like when SIn goes somewhere, how does the place look like? Also, many spelling errors, or I should say that you used the wrong words. Like you have used too, instead of to, deside instead of decide, but these are just minors. Sin getting a pokemon from the local professor was pretty dull, but I liked that Sin had a Growlithe as a pet.

Keep it Up!:)