Ginger Cat
31st December 2002, 10:31 AM
Hope this is 'k...
Merry Christmas, and sorry for taking so long... Bad me, bad.
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Impromptu Examination
(Open in an expensive-looking restaurant. People sit around the tables, most in groups, and waiters mill about. The lighting is dim, and soft music plays in the background. PROFESSOR PIKACHU sits alone near the back, his traditional white lab coat replaced with a suit jacket. Currently, he is looking over a menu.)
PROF. Nvow… Vhat should I gvet?
(WAITER walks over.)
PROF. Vhat dvo vyou vant?
WAITER. Are you ready to order, sir?
PROF. Ovrder? I svuppose… I’ll haff the vraosted dvuck.
WAITER. I’m sorry, sir. We do not serve du vuck.
PROF. No! Dvuck! You know, vlike qvack, qvack!
(The PROF. Has gotten quite loud and had attracted the attention of nearby diners, most of whom appear to be incredibly annoyed.)
WAITER. Please, sir, please calm down…
PROF. Dbuck! Qvack! Vlike poultry! Svims in vater!
WAITER. Duck? You want the roast duck?
PROF. That’s vhat I’fe been svaying!
WAITER. Good, sir, good. What would you like to drink with that?
PROF. Do you haff any vine?
WAITER. Yes indeed, sir. We have an excellent lsit of wine.
PROF. Gvood. Mix a vlittle bvit of everything ina gvlass.
WAITER. Sir, we really don’t…
PROF. Mvixed vine!
WAITER. Fine, sir.
(WAITER walks off.)
PROF. It svure is a gvood thving zat the pvatients gvot mve a gvift cvertificate for zis pvlace. I haven’t hvad a gvood mveal in a vlong tvime. Cvome to think of it, that vas unchvaractervistically kvind of them…
(GINGER suddenly walks over from a different table, grinning maliciously.)
GINGER. Hello, Professor Doctor Psychiatrist man!
PROF. Vhat are vyou doing hvere?
GINGER. Enjoying the gift certificate we got you? See, we can’t be insane if we got you food stuffs!
PROF. Oh, you’re all still insane.
GINGER. Shibby.
PROF. Vhat do vyou vant?
GINGER. I have a patient for you. He’s dying to meet you.
PROF. Nvo! I vam veating! Thvis is mvy bvreak! My gvift for Cvirstmas!
GINGER. We gave it to you! The least you can do for us is to talk to this guy. He really needs it.
PROF. Bvut…
GINGER. No bvuts. You’re talking to him! (Walks off)
PROF. Voh…
(GINGER walks back with MEWFOUR.)
PROF. Whvo ees zis?
GINGER. This is Mewfour.
MEWFOUR. Hello. (Eye dart around suspiciously)
PROF. Thvere es nothing vrong vith hvim!
GINGER. You’re wrong!
MEWFOUR. I don’t know who just insulted me, but one of you did…
GINGER. He did.
(MEWFOUR glares murderously at the PROF.)
PROF. (Nervous) Vlook, eh, I vam svure thvat vyou cvan find help fvor hvim svoem other tvime… After avll, hve can’t be that bvad. I vould haff seen hvim by now.
(MEWFOUR is singing under his breath. It sounds suspiciously like some sort of made up song along the lines of “The pikachu is gonna die, gonna burn, hang him, rip him…” The PROF. Looks up at him nervously.)
GINGER. Look at these. (Hands the PROF a stack of MEWFOUR’S writing and looks ove rat MEWFOUR, grinning.) He doesn’t like anything odd in any way.
PROF. Voh mvy Gvod! Svit!
(MEWFOUR sits)
PROF. Away!
(GINGER walks away, girnning)
PROF. Thvis is morbid! Bvad, bvad thoughts! Bvad bvrain!
MEWFOUR. Yours doesn’t seem to be working so well yourself.
PROF. Vhat? Mve? I don’t vrite this cvrap!
MEWFOUR. Crap? (Grabs a fork from the table) I shove this thing up your little pikachu’s ***.
PROF. Nvot a kvnife?
MEWFOUR. The knife is for your throat.
PROF. Svee? Mvorbid!
MEWFOUR. What’s wrong with that?
PROF. Vit ess bvad!
(The WAITER brings the PROF’s wine, sets it down, and leaves quickly.)
MEWFOUR. You shouldn’t drink wine.
PROF. (Taking a sip) And vhy nvot?
MEWFOUR. It’ll kill you.
PROF. (Taking another sip) Svure…
MEWFOUR. Really, it will. You see, as the wine penetrates your body, it breaks it down. One day you’ll start to itch all over. Soon you’ll be writhing on the floor in pain as your inside turn to mush and fall into each other. Now beer, on the other hand…
PROF. (Spitting the wine out) Enough! Ve vill move to svome serious vork! Vyou obviously nveed help, bvut hvow much, I vonder? Vord assocviation time.
MEWFOUR. Oh goody.
PROF. Fvish.
MEWFOUR. What’s a fvish?
PROF. Fvish. Vyou know, vlike svim vlitte fishy!
MEWFOUR. If you’re gonna make me do the word association bit, at least use real words! Fvish… Never heard of so much bull ****…
PROF. Fvish! Vlike svalmon! Tvrout! Hverring!
MEWFOUR. Fish?
PROF. Vyes!
MEWFOUR. Oh.
PROF. Vell? Vhat cvomes to mind?
MEWFOUR. Me strangling you.
PROF. Vone-vord answers, please… Hvey!
MEWFOUR. That’s what came to midn. I can’t help it. (Shrugs)
PROF. Bvut… Fvine. Hvout about vrock?
MEWFOUR. Bashing your skull open with a rock.
PROF. Tvree.
MEWFOUR. Hanging you from a tree.
PROF. Shvip.
MEWFOUR. Tossing you off of the ship’s deck and watching as you’re chopped into tiny little pieces by…
PROF. Svopt!
MEWFOUR. Accidentally forgetting to stop at a cross-walk when you’re walking across.
PROF. Noh! Stvop! I’ff hvad enough! Voy obviously haff a problem, and are bvent on kvilling me! Gvo avay!
MEWFOUR. But tormenting you is fun!
(GINGER walks over)
GINGER. Is there a problem?
PROF. He vants to kvill mve!
GINGER We all do.
MEWFOUR. (Nods) It’s true. We had a big group talk about killing you.
PROF. Vokay… Go avay!
MEWFOUR. Nice meeting you.
PROF. Cvant’ svay the svame.
MEWFOUR. Ouch.
PROF. Gvo avay!
(MEWFOUR walks away… After delivering a well-deserved punch into the PROF’S face.)
GINGER. That was fun.
PROF. Gvo avay.
GINGER. SO, do you have money to pay for this?
PROF. The gvift cvertificate. Asvide from that, I’m bvroke… Bvut it’s nvot funny! Thvank Gvod fvor the cvertificate.
GINGER. God didn’t give it to you.
PROF. Gvo avay.Vhay are vyou here, anyway?
GINGER. Oh, a bunch of us came to make you listen to Mewfour. See? It was fun.
PROF. Oh, vreally… And I svuppose vyou brought vone of your friends?
GINGER. Yep. My Grima. (Grins)
PROF. Vhat? Thavt thing? (Points)
GINGER. Thing?!? That’s my Grima!
PROF. Vormtongue.
(GINGER kicks the PROF, then walks off.)
PROF. (Sitting up) Ovuch…
(The WAITER walks over)
WAITER. Before I give you the duck, may I ask how you plan to pay?
PROF. Thvis. (Hands the WAITER a gift certificate. It’s obviously not genuine… Basically a piece of paper cut out hastily with the words “For food at some restaurant” written jaggedly in crayon.)
WAITER. This isn’t valid.
PROF. Bvut…!
WAITER. Out!
PROF. Bvut…
WAITER. Now!
PROF. Oh… I hvate this!
(MEWFOUR appears)
MEWFOUR. And I hate you.
PROF. Arghhhhhhhhh! (Runs out)
MEWFOUR. Oooooo…
(MEWFOUR walks over to the table he was at, which is inhabited with many of the PROF’S patients.)
MEWFOUR. That was fun.
GINGER. Yeah, well, it was funny, too.
MEWFOUR. That’s true. (Turns to the audience) And because this is a Christmas gift, we’ll go for the traditional corny “Merry Christmas!”
GINGER. Oh boy. Merry Christmas.
EVERYONE AT THE TABLE. Merry Christmas!
GINGER. (Hugs GRIMA) Merry Christmas.
GRIMA. Eh heh heh.
GINGER. G’night, everyone!
(The End)
Merry Christmas, and sorry for taking so long... Bad me, bad.
-----------------
Impromptu Examination
(Open in an expensive-looking restaurant. People sit around the tables, most in groups, and waiters mill about. The lighting is dim, and soft music plays in the background. PROFESSOR PIKACHU sits alone near the back, his traditional white lab coat replaced with a suit jacket. Currently, he is looking over a menu.)
PROF. Nvow… Vhat should I gvet?
(WAITER walks over.)
PROF. Vhat dvo vyou vant?
WAITER. Are you ready to order, sir?
PROF. Ovrder? I svuppose… I’ll haff the vraosted dvuck.
WAITER. I’m sorry, sir. We do not serve du vuck.
PROF. No! Dvuck! You know, vlike qvack, qvack!
(The PROF. Has gotten quite loud and had attracted the attention of nearby diners, most of whom appear to be incredibly annoyed.)
WAITER. Please, sir, please calm down…
PROF. Dbuck! Qvack! Vlike poultry! Svims in vater!
WAITER. Duck? You want the roast duck?
PROF. That’s vhat I’fe been svaying!
WAITER. Good, sir, good. What would you like to drink with that?
PROF. Do you haff any vine?
WAITER. Yes indeed, sir. We have an excellent lsit of wine.
PROF. Gvood. Mix a vlittle bvit of everything ina gvlass.
WAITER. Sir, we really don’t…
PROF. Mvixed vine!
WAITER. Fine, sir.
(WAITER walks off.)
PROF. It svure is a gvood thving zat the pvatients gvot mve a gvift cvertificate for zis pvlace. I haven’t hvad a gvood mveal in a vlong tvime. Cvome to think of it, that vas unchvaractervistically kvind of them…
(GINGER suddenly walks over from a different table, grinning maliciously.)
GINGER. Hello, Professor Doctor Psychiatrist man!
PROF. Vhat are vyou doing hvere?
GINGER. Enjoying the gift certificate we got you? See, we can’t be insane if we got you food stuffs!
PROF. Oh, you’re all still insane.
GINGER. Shibby.
PROF. Vhat do vyou vant?
GINGER. I have a patient for you. He’s dying to meet you.
PROF. Nvo! I vam veating! Thvis is mvy bvreak! My gvift for Cvirstmas!
GINGER. We gave it to you! The least you can do for us is to talk to this guy. He really needs it.
PROF. Bvut…
GINGER. No bvuts. You’re talking to him! (Walks off)
PROF. Voh…
(GINGER walks back with MEWFOUR.)
PROF. Whvo ees zis?
GINGER. This is Mewfour.
MEWFOUR. Hello. (Eye dart around suspiciously)
PROF. Thvere es nothing vrong vith hvim!
GINGER. You’re wrong!
MEWFOUR. I don’t know who just insulted me, but one of you did…
GINGER. He did.
(MEWFOUR glares murderously at the PROF.)
PROF. (Nervous) Vlook, eh, I vam svure thvat vyou cvan find help fvor hvim svoem other tvime… After avll, hve can’t be that bvad. I vould haff seen hvim by now.
(MEWFOUR is singing under his breath. It sounds suspiciously like some sort of made up song along the lines of “The pikachu is gonna die, gonna burn, hang him, rip him…” The PROF. Looks up at him nervously.)
GINGER. Look at these. (Hands the PROF a stack of MEWFOUR’S writing and looks ove rat MEWFOUR, grinning.) He doesn’t like anything odd in any way.
PROF. Voh mvy Gvod! Svit!
(MEWFOUR sits)
PROF. Away!
(GINGER walks away, girnning)
PROF. Thvis is morbid! Bvad, bvad thoughts! Bvad bvrain!
MEWFOUR. Yours doesn’t seem to be working so well yourself.
PROF. Vhat? Mve? I don’t vrite this cvrap!
MEWFOUR. Crap? (Grabs a fork from the table) I shove this thing up your little pikachu’s ***.
PROF. Nvot a kvnife?
MEWFOUR. The knife is for your throat.
PROF. Svee? Mvorbid!
MEWFOUR. What’s wrong with that?
PROF. Vit ess bvad!
(The WAITER brings the PROF’s wine, sets it down, and leaves quickly.)
MEWFOUR. You shouldn’t drink wine.
PROF. (Taking a sip) And vhy nvot?
MEWFOUR. It’ll kill you.
PROF. (Taking another sip) Svure…
MEWFOUR. Really, it will. You see, as the wine penetrates your body, it breaks it down. One day you’ll start to itch all over. Soon you’ll be writhing on the floor in pain as your inside turn to mush and fall into each other. Now beer, on the other hand…
PROF. (Spitting the wine out) Enough! Ve vill move to svome serious vork! Vyou obviously nveed help, bvut hvow much, I vonder? Vord assocviation time.
MEWFOUR. Oh goody.
PROF. Fvish.
MEWFOUR. What’s a fvish?
PROF. Fvish. Vyou know, vlike svim vlitte fishy!
MEWFOUR. If you’re gonna make me do the word association bit, at least use real words! Fvish… Never heard of so much bull ****…
PROF. Fvish! Vlike svalmon! Tvrout! Hverring!
MEWFOUR. Fish?
PROF. Vyes!
MEWFOUR. Oh.
PROF. Vell? Vhat cvomes to mind?
MEWFOUR. Me strangling you.
PROF. Vone-vord answers, please… Hvey!
MEWFOUR. That’s what came to midn. I can’t help it. (Shrugs)
PROF. Bvut… Fvine. Hvout about vrock?
MEWFOUR. Bashing your skull open with a rock.
PROF. Tvree.
MEWFOUR. Hanging you from a tree.
PROF. Shvip.
MEWFOUR. Tossing you off of the ship’s deck and watching as you’re chopped into tiny little pieces by…
PROF. Svopt!
MEWFOUR. Accidentally forgetting to stop at a cross-walk when you’re walking across.
PROF. Noh! Stvop! I’ff hvad enough! Voy obviously haff a problem, and are bvent on kvilling me! Gvo avay!
MEWFOUR. But tormenting you is fun!
(GINGER walks over)
GINGER. Is there a problem?
PROF. He vants to kvill mve!
GINGER We all do.
MEWFOUR. (Nods) It’s true. We had a big group talk about killing you.
PROF. Vokay… Go avay!
MEWFOUR. Nice meeting you.
PROF. Cvant’ svay the svame.
MEWFOUR. Ouch.
PROF. Gvo avay!
(MEWFOUR walks away… After delivering a well-deserved punch into the PROF’S face.)
GINGER. That was fun.
PROF. Gvo avay.
GINGER. SO, do you have money to pay for this?
PROF. The gvift cvertificate. Asvide from that, I’m bvroke… Bvut it’s nvot funny! Thvank Gvod fvor the cvertificate.
GINGER. God didn’t give it to you.
PROF. Gvo avay.Vhay are vyou here, anyway?
GINGER. Oh, a bunch of us came to make you listen to Mewfour. See? It was fun.
PROF. Oh, vreally… And I svuppose vyou brought vone of your friends?
GINGER. Yep. My Grima. (Grins)
PROF. Vhat? Thavt thing? (Points)
GINGER. Thing?!? That’s my Grima!
PROF. Vormtongue.
(GINGER kicks the PROF, then walks off.)
PROF. (Sitting up) Ovuch…
(The WAITER walks over)
WAITER. Before I give you the duck, may I ask how you plan to pay?
PROF. Thvis. (Hands the WAITER a gift certificate. It’s obviously not genuine… Basically a piece of paper cut out hastily with the words “For food at some restaurant” written jaggedly in crayon.)
WAITER. This isn’t valid.
PROF. Bvut…!
WAITER. Out!
PROF. Bvut…
WAITER. Now!
PROF. Oh… I hvate this!
(MEWFOUR appears)
MEWFOUR. And I hate you.
PROF. Arghhhhhhhhh! (Runs out)
MEWFOUR. Oooooo…
(MEWFOUR walks over to the table he was at, which is inhabited with many of the PROF’S patients.)
MEWFOUR. That was fun.
GINGER. Yeah, well, it was funny, too.
MEWFOUR. That’s true. (Turns to the audience) And because this is a Christmas gift, we’ll go for the traditional corny “Merry Christmas!”
GINGER. Oh boy. Merry Christmas.
EVERYONE AT THE TABLE. Merry Christmas!
GINGER. (Hugs GRIMA) Merry Christmas.
GRIMA. Eh heh heh.
GINGER. G’night, everyone!
(The End)