The Adventures of Zim(REVISED)

[Crazy]

Chapter 1: Zim's first pokemon

Zim is a tall brown haired 12 year old boy who makes hasty decisions.
Zim had waken up to a sunny windy day. It was winter and the wind was chilly. Zim was excited, today was going to be a great day, today Zim was going to catch his first pokemon. Zim said bye to his mom and left the house. Zim lived in a small town that wasn't even on the map, it had a very low population and about the only stores were pokemon related.

Zim walked over to the pokemon store and bought some pokeballs. Then he headed out to the grassy plains. Zim was on a path when he noticed a small brown and white haired pokemon called Zigzagoon. "Yes!"thought Zim. Zim tried to sneak up on the Zigzagoon. Then Zim threw a pokeball. Zigzagoon was transffered into the pokeball. The ball wiggled and Zigzagoon broke out.

The Zigzagoon was mad and ran at Zim. Zim ran as fast as he could, Zim spotted a small pond in the middle of the plains. Zim jumped into the pond. Zigzagoon looked pleased with itself and walked off. "This water is freezing!"Zim thought to himself. Zim was dissapointed. I will obviously have to weaken the pokemon before I try to capture it.

Then Zim spotted a small blue pokemon with a green lilypad on it's head. That pokemon must be a Lotad. Zim thought of how he could capture the Lotad. I could chase it until it grows tired...... Ok, I will. "OOOGA BOOOGA BOOOGA!!!" Zim shouted. The cry scared Lotad and it started running.

The Lotad was so scared that it didn't notice a tree in it's path. CLONK!!!! Lotad lay unconcious on the ground. This is my chance. Zim hurled a pokeball at the Lotad. The ball hit Lotad and it wiggled. But it did not break out. "YES,I caught my first pokemon!"Zim yelled triumphly. Then Zim continued to follow the path.

END OF CHAPTER 1

P.S. Hope you enjoyed the revised version of Chapter 1 :)

[mistysakura]

Whoa, it's so different from the first version. You've learned heaps -- congratulations. I think the reason why Zim went out to catch Pokemon could have been explained more, but I know you're not doing a third copy, so whatever.

Good job.

[Crazy]

Thanks mistysakuru, Ok time for Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2:Zim's first battle

Zim was back on the path. The path lead him to dark and unfriendly woods. The leaves crunched underneath Zims feet as he continued to follow the path. "Wow,this place is a little on the creepy side!"Zim said quietly. Then something jumped out from behind a tree. "AAAAHHHHHH!!"screamed Zim. "What are you screaming about?"questioned the trainer.

Oh,ummm nothing. The trainer was a female with a blue shirt and red hair. "Do want to battle?"asked the trainer. Sure. "Ok I choose Lotad!!"shouted Zim. Well then I choose Wurmple!!! A small white and red pokemon came from the trainers ball. Ok Lotad use Absorb!! Green circles shot out of Lotad and went inside of Wurmple. The green circles drained a little energy from Wumple and gave it to Lotad. The Absorb attack wasn't very effective because that Wurmple was not tired at all.

"WURMPLE USE POISON STING!!"shouted the trainer. Wurmple aimed it's stinger right at Lotad. The stinger shot out of Wurmple and was heading towards Lotad. Zim noticed the attack and said "Lotad jump as high in the air as possible!!" Lotad jumped and the stinger missed him, but Lotad was extremely clumsy and flipped upside down and landed hard on it's head.

Lotad was knocked out. NO!!! I lost the battle. Zim called back Lotad and shook hands with the trainer and walked off. Zim had his head hung low in defeat. Zim was so dissapointed about losing that he didn't know that he had walked off the trail. "Oh no,where am I?"he said worridly. What will happen to Zim? Only the next chapter will tell.

END OF CHAPTER 2

[Mew2-formally known as Evee67-]

your chapters are ridiculously short you should make them longer.

[Crazy]

CHAPTER 3:Training Lotad

Zim was lost in the dark spooky woods. It was night and the wind would blow threw the trees and make a haunting moaning sound. "Man this is spooky!"Zim said quietly to himself. How am I suppose to sleep in a place like this??? Well I guess i'll have to. Zim brought out his blanket and layed on the cold hard ground. The leaves flew to the side as Zim layed down.

Zim woke up to a ugly morning. He could hear thunder in the distance,and it was raining. He got up and walked around looking for the trail. He looked for a long time and finally decided to take a rest. Well I could always train my Lotad for something to do. Then he started looking for pokemon to battle. He checked behind every rock and behind all of the trees. The when he was about to give up a sleepy yellow pokemon with brown stripes appeared. I think that is a Slakoth.

"Yay a pokemin to battle!!"Zim said enthusiasticly. Them threw the pokeball and a surprised Lotad appeared. Lotad use astonish!!! Lotad ran towards Slakoth with as much speed as it could muster. It made a odd face so it could surprise the Slakoth. The attack hit and the Slakoth rolled over on its side. WHAT?? THAT SLAKOTH IS SLEEPING!!!! Oh well,Lotad return. I guess I'll just capture it.

Zim threw a pokeball at the Slakoth and caught it. Well Lotad didn't get much of a workout. So I will look for more pokemon to battle!! Zim walked through the maze of trees in search for a pokemon. Zim spotted a small bug pokemon in the distance. Perfect! He walked up to what appeared to be a Wurmple. Then he threw out a pokeball and Lotad came out. Ok Lotad,use Astonish!!!!

Lotad yet again ran at top speed, but the ground was slippery and muddy from the rain and it caused Lotad to miss its target. Instead Lotad ran into a rock. The Lotad was knocked out and the Wurmple looked like it could burst out laughing. Oh crud! He called back Wurmple and decided that it had had enough training for today.

He eventually found the path and followed it. When he reached the end he saw a huge city, the sunlight hit the city directly and it looked beutiful. Zim walked to the city and discovered that it was a city of shapes that were all orange,green or blue. Zim decided that Lotad would need to go to the pokemon center. He walked up to the pokemon center. But then he noticed that a bunch of people were there.

All of the people were either wearing a black and white striped shirt with a skull and cross bone bandana or a shirt with a red R in the middle. What awaits Zim?

END OF CHAPTER 3

[mr_pikachu]

Yeah, this is definitely better than before. Your descriptions are improving, and I can see the plot taking shape easier than before. Good work.

You still need to work on organizing things a tad better, though. First off, try to remember that whenever someone says something, it should go in quotes. It doesn't matter who says it; if it appears in the text, it should be quoted. That alone would greatly increase this fic's readability, IMO.

Well, good work, and I'll be waiting for the remake of the next chapter! :wave:

[Crazy]

Chapter 4: Joining Team Aqua

Zim looked confused. A huge riot had begun at a pokemon center in a unkown city. "What is going on here?" Zim thought to himself. Suddenly someone shouted "HEY THIS IS TEAM AQUA'S HIEST!!!" "Wrong! THIS TEAM ROCKET'S HIEST!!!"shouted another person. Zim had figured out that the people with red Rs on their shirts must be Team Rocket. "That must mean that the other people are Team Aqua members."Zim thought to himself. Then a Team Aqua Member threw a small white a red ball. A mean dog like looking pokemon with black and gray fur appeared from the Aqua member's pokeball. Then the Team Rocket member threw a pokeball and a pink bat pokemon with long wings appeared.

"MIGHTYENA! Use Crunch attack!!"shouted the Aqua member. The dog like pokemon ran towards the pink bat pokemon called a Crobat. The Mightyena opened it's mouth wide and prepared to take a bite out of the Crobat. CRUNCH!!!!! The Crobat was released from the powerful jaws of Mightyena.It was knocked out. "I didn't even have time to tell my Crobat to attack!!!"said the Rocket member. By now a crowd had formed around the Rocket and Aqua members. Zim noticed that the Aqua members had finally made it inside of the pokemon center. Zim decided to investigate so he ran in.

The pokemon center had a small red couch and a odd looking machine with lots of knobs and switches. No one except Aqua members were inside of the pokemon center. It seemed that Zim was invisible because none of the Team Aqua members had bothered to stop him from looking around. Then suddenly he heard somone shout "HYDRO PUMP!!" Zim turned around and saw a straight line of crystal blue water heading towards him. The blast sent Zim flying out of the pokemon center. He hit the ground with a dull thud. Then Team Aqua left the building. Team Rocket didn't even move. The police eventually came but when they did the two teams were gone.

Zim decided that there was no longer any reason to stay so he left. It was night and the sky was filled with stars. The wind was blowing lightly and it was a little chilly. Zim was on a path with trees on both of it's sides. Zim was walking down the path when someone grabbed him and took him behind a tree. "Do you want to join Team Aqua?"said a deep voice. "Wh...Why???"Zim said in a weak and scared tone. "Well,Team Aqua is dedicated to the expanison of the sea. We don't hurt anyone and we do what we do for a noble cause."said the voice a bit softer now. "What is this noble cause?Zim questioned. "Well we want to expand the sea so water pokemon will have more places to live.People will also have more places to swim!!

Zim thought about it. Zim didn't really think about his decision and immediantly said yes. Then the mand blind folded Zim and lead him down a bumpy and rocky trail. Then the man took a right and walked for a while and then suddenly stopped. Zim was shoved into a dark well furnished room, with statues of pokemon. In the middle of the room sat a gold statue of a huge water pokemon. He also noticed a picture of a rough looking man with a scar across his face and blue eyes. Then the man in the picture walked over to Zim with a odd smile across his face.

END OF CHAPTER 4

[mr_pikachu]

Well, this is certainly different. Zim is actually joining Team Aqua?! You don't see that every day... I wonder how he'll get out of this one...

Your writing is getting better. Three things I noticed, though. First of all, you are still lacking much description. There's some actions, then suddenly you talk about the scenery for two lines, then it's back to the lightning-fast events for the rest of the chapter. Two, I have to agree with Mew2 in that your chapters are very, very short. Readers would rather spend their time going through lengthy, quality chapters than click a link, read for 30 seconds and have nothing left. Trust me on this: hyper-quick updates are usually NOT a good thing, just because of what it takes to have that speed. The third thing isn't as serious of an issue at this point. I feel like your writing... how do I say this... lacks a certain flair. I feel like I'm listening to some old guy's ranting instead of getting sucked into an exciting story. It just seems to drone with random events that you whip through at the speed of sound. For example, you went through an entire day in... let's see... 42 lines. Contrary to what you may believe, that is not a good statistic. In reality, 42 lines is equivalent to many writers' paragraphs, not chapters. Unless you have a really, really good reason for it, a day should not pass this quickly. And besides that, your character(s) seem to lack any personality. Zim is just some guy strolling through a forest and through chaos, for all we can tell. Develop Zim's character; he could make or break this fic.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I hope I haven't upset you, because I've said worse to other writers. It's just that this is probably my last fic of the night/morning to read, and I wanted to give the best advice I could on it. Anyway, g'night, and see you next chapter! :wave:

[DannyBoy]

When I first started reading this all I was thinking this was a regular trainer fic but chapter 4 def. changed that. I like that twist. Also I have seen you have improved on this in each chapter. Just continue adding more description and length to them. But still I see some minor spelling mistakes here and there. Like in some places you say 'Them' when it should be 'The'. If you ujust breifly go over it you could easily point them out. Just continue with this surprsing pattern of events and you could mnake this really good with some time and hard work. Keep it up!

[Crazy]

Chapter 5: Team Aqua's Plan

A tall man with blue eyes and a long scar across his face had just entered the room that Zim was in. "Hello Zim. I have heard that you wish to join Team Aqua."said the man in a questioning tone. "Yes I do want to join Team Aqua."Zim said nervously. "Before I tell you Team Aqua's plan I will introduce myself. I am Archie, the leader of Team Aqua."said Archie. "My plan is to increase the water mass around the world!!!" said Archie with a look of hope dawning upon his face. "I bet you wonder how we will achieve this goal. We will make this possible by capturing a legendary pokemon called Kyrouge! It is the pokemon in the middle of the room."said Archie. Zim looked confused. Archie noticed the look on Zim's face and continued to explain. "This pokemon has the ability to create strong storms. These storms also bring a great deal of rainfall, which will increase the size of the ocean!!"said Archie.

"Now this pokemon lies at the bottom of the sea. We will get there by stealing a submarine,but we have a problem. Team Magma is our number 1 enemy,and they will do everything in their power to stop us."said Archie with a look of disgust on his face. "We also have another problem. We need to get the Red Orb to control Kyrouge,but we don't know where it is. Oh, and I almost forgot, the reason we were stealing pokemon from the poke' center was so we can gather our forces and eliminate Team Magma swiftly."said Archie. "Now Zim, I need to know if you are willing to do as much as you can for Team Aqua."said Archie.

"Yes, I will do as much as I can for the good of Team Aqua!"said Zim. "Good."said Archie with a hint of a smile on his face. "Gaurds,take Zim to his room."said Archie. Two burly man came from behind Zim and grabbed him. They lead Zim up a long old staircase. Suddenly they paused in fron of a ancient looking door and opened it. Zim's room was large, it had a TV in a corner and a medium sized bed. A huge chandilier hung from the ceiling. The floor was covered in a giant red rug and Zim could swear he saw some black bugs moving along it. Then the men shoved him into his room and closed the door. "What do I do now?"thought Zim. Zim walked over to a wide window, moonlight shined through it. "Well I am getting rather sleepy"he thought to himself.

Zim walked over to his bed and layed down. The bed made a creaking sound,and it had scratchy covers. Zim also thought he felt something crawling on his leg. He decided to ignore it and fell into a deep dreamless sleep. Zim woke up to a beutiful morning, birds were singing and the sun was shining brightly. Then the door opened and a big hazel eyed man with a blue jacket came into the room. "I am Admin Matt, Archie wants you to meet him down stairs."Matt growled. Zim walked down te stairs to see Archie. "Well Zim I hope you had a good sleep,because you will need a lot of energy for the assighnment I am about to give you."said Archie

"I need you to get to Slateport. It is a long way from here and you will need some help. I am sending you and four of my best members. I need you to steal a submarine with them. Got that?"said Archie. Then 4 people walked into the room. Matt,a brown haired woman with a odd necklace with a skull on it. The other two people were both male and one was short and stocky and the other was mean looking with a torn jacket on him. "I am Admin Shelly"said the woman. "I am Ted."said the short and stocky man. "I am Ben."said the mean looking man. "Ok we have no time to waste!!"said Archie.

With that the five Team Aqua members left the building with a map of the Hoenn region.

END OF CHAPTER 5

[DannyBoy]

This was ok. I feel that you have the whole idea of description like you do with the people and paces but I think you could add more to the chapters. Take your time and maybe plan it out and make it action packed. You did good with this and him becoming a member but then right after he goes into his roo hes then going right to Slateport. Just take your time, you dont need a chapter out every one or two days. Some people take a week to right a decent chapter. I think your getting the hang of this and plus its only the beginning. Keep it up! I know you do really good.

[mistysakura]

What a change. Huge plot twist!

Yeah, the desciption's getting there, and this is certainly not your average trainer fic. IA think that the chapters ware a bit short, though; but at least htey're gettin glonger. The worse p[roblem is that things go too quickly, and we don't really get a lot of detail about people and stuff. One minute he's talking to the boss, the next he's going off to Slateport. I'm still confused as to why Zim joined Team Aqua... Also, Zim's character could be developed more.

That's about it. Have fun writing.

[Crazy]

Teaser for Next Chapter:

The five Team Aqua Members were walking slowly they were busy talking. "Hey kid,why did you join Team Aqua?"Shelly asked in a low tone. "I joined it because.......

[mr_pikachu]

Yeah, the biggest problem here is definitely LENGTH. You're trying to write way, way too fast. Take your time; slow down. The best fics around here, such as When Destinies Collide, Full Moon, Damon's Menace, Electric Buggy to Victory, etc. all take long amounts of time between chapters. So what makes them great, you ask? Well, because they take great amounts of time to write, their chapters end up lengthy, intense, passionate, and beautiful. They take the time to make their chapters (and their fics) as close to perfect as they can get. That is the task of the writer. We do not need to pump out another episode every week. We can relax, let our creative juices flow, and create masterpieces.