How would you rate this?

[Powarun]

Well, I wanted to make a more serious fic, than what I did in the past, and I want to know what I am doing wrong. How is this for a battle?

A fierce, tall Blaziken stood with its sharp eyes focused upon a small brown spotted teddy bear in a green field where rain was pelting the two pokemon. The spiraled eyed teddy bear jumped into the air and threw itself at the fighting and fire type, quickly the Blaziken threw its arms up to block it from the oncoming Spinda’s attack. The Spinda merely bounced off Blaziken’s arms and skidded into a nearby boulder.

“Spinda, try to use a hypnosis attack.” Spinda’s trainer ordered. The bear stood up and stared at Blaziken with its eyes spinning.

“Spinda, spin, Spinda, spin.” Spinda hummed, the Blaziken looked down at his opponent and kicked it away. Then the Blaziken launched himself toward the Spinda, with a mighty sweep of his leg he kicks the Spinda at his opponent’s trainer. The young boy yells something at Spinda, then returns him to the pokeball he was released from.

“Stupid boy, thinks he can take me on with a Spinda, I feel bad for knocking the bear out, but hopefully the kid will use his head next time.” The Blaziken says to himself, taking off. The boy then releases a fairly large Golem. “When will he learn.” The Blaziken slides toward the rock pokemon and lifts Golem over his head with ease.

“Golem try a rock throw.” The boy yells, the massive rock pokemon spins himself so his face is staring at Blaziken’s face, then spits several rocks at Blaziken. The fighting type struggles to keep balance and ends up throwing the Golem away from him, which ends up being a fault, for the force of Golem’s body hitting the ground caused a massive toward Blaziken. The large fissure caused the Blaziken to be temporarily knocked out. The boy whips and ultra ball at the Blaziken, whom is immediately sucked into the ball. The ball falls to the ground and shakes rapidly, and unable to contain the Blaziken’s energy it blows up. Pieces of the ultra ball litters the field, and the boy had a large cut from a fairly large shard on his chin.

“You bastard, Golem use a mega punch.” The boy spat. The obedient pokemon threw its large scaly fist at Blaziken knocking the pokemon back to the ground.

“Stupid human, thinks he can defeat me, I will show this pokemon what a Mega Punch is.” Blaziken whispers, then the red pokemon with drew his right hand, ignited it, then fired it at the Golem.

“Counter.” The boy shouts. The Golem quickly grabs the oncoming fist and tosses its owner to the ground but as a reaction the Blaziken throws his hands in front of him, and does a front hand spring. Once he lands the fire pokemon charges at Golem and shoves him into one of the fissures the rock/ground pokemon created.

“Golem return, you know Blaziken, it looks like you are enjoying yourself, I didn’t want to go to this but I need you for my sister’s birthday.” John says with drawing a master ball from his belt, “I choose you Militoic.” A beautiful snake emerges from the ball, or it is beautiful until you reach its ugly feathered tail. The pokemon’s light tan body glistens in the rain, and the Blaziken showed a small flinch.

“Milky, make this rainy day into a hurricane.” John sneered. The Militoic gave a small smile, then twisted her body into a figure 8 and the light rain quickly evolved into a large typhoon. The rain whipped Blaziken’s body, and each drop burned like acid so quickly the pokemon’s whole body felt like if was boiling in a pool of acid. Blaziken screamed as loud as his voice would allow.

“Milky stop, I think he is weak enough to be captured.” The boy sneered and grabbed another Ultra ball and threw it at Blaziken. Blaziken lifted his arm up and caught the Ultraball in mid air right before it had a chance of opening. The mighty fighting/fire type grasped the ball, and crushed it in his palm.

“Holy ****, Milky, I think we pissed him off.” John said. The Militoic immediately started to form a figure 8 again, but before her head could grasp her feathered tail Blaziken grabbed Milky’s tail and swung her at his opponent’s trainer.

“When will he learn that I will not give up.” Blaziken said to himself, readying himself for an on coming attack.

“I feel bad that this battle will have to end with my cheapness but I have no other choice, my sister needs a Blaziken for her Castform farm and you were the only one I found, so go Master ball.” John yelled out, he threw another purple dotted pokeball from his belt. The ball came at such a speed that not even a Jolteon could muster and the strength that neither a Machamp nor Mewtwo could stop. The Blaziken gave a loud lurch as his freedom has ended.

[mistysakura]

Pretty good. The attacks were described pretty well, although some visual stuff (like colour, size) could make it even better. The Blaziken's thoughts were also well done; we can see the whole thing from its side. One thing you should watch is tense, though. I noticed that you changed from present to past and back a couple of times.

[mr_pikachu]

Yeah, mistysakura's right about the tense. Also, Blaziken seemed extremely powerful, moreso than a Blaziken would normally be. This adds a rather ridiculous aspect into the battle, which is not a good thing for a serious fic. The occasional cussing in the battle seemed a bit out of place, as there was no sign of rage or anger anywhere else in the chapter, and he's obviously not joking around with friends. (Don't ask.) Finally, your punctuation was a tad off in places, but it wasn't too bad. Overall, I think you did a fine job. I hope to see this battle in a fic in the future! :wave:

[Powarun]

Thank you very much, I gratially appreciate the support and critism, something teachers and some other people fail to point out.

[Chris 2.1]

Very nice. Everything's shaped up well, so go for it with this idea. It can be perfected in terms of tense (i noticed 'emerges' but that may be a typo) or punctuation but everynody needs to improve, and for a starting point you're already very good with writing. Did a teacher look at this?

[DannyBoy]

That was good. Never really see a wild Blaziken. IT seems very interesting so far and I wonder how that battle would end. That is a very powerful chicken! I liked how you added Blazikens thoughts into. That is good! If you do turn this into a fic I will def keep a look out for it.

[The Rusted One]

It's good, but I think it could be improved; mostly in concern to how long the sentences are, and how often you repeat the same words. Take the first sentence for example -

"A fierce, tall Blaziken stood with its sharp eyes focused upon a small brown spotted teddy bear in a green field where rain was pelting the two pokemon."

I'm sure you don't need help, but if you wanted to get as high a rating as possible, you should try to improve it. Try, perhaps, to shorten it.

"A fierce, tall Blaziken stood, its sharp eyes focused on a small brown-spotted teddy bear. (Break) The two stood in the middle of a green field, the rain pelting down around them and obscuring their forms."

I also added description of some sort. To give the sentence(s) more power and certainty, use "the" instead of "a" to denote that there is ONE of whatever you're talking about, and the attention is on IT. The use of "the" denotes one of ONE, while "a" is one of any number, and makes the sentence a bit iffy. Also, rearrange the adjectives in a way that goes from natural attributes to emotions/states of being.

"The tall, fierce Blaziken stood, its sharp eyes focused on the small, brown-spotted teddy bear. The two stood in the middle of the green field, the rain pelting down around them and obscuring their forms."

Basically, I tied any "might" words down into "definite" (not official titles or categories of words, mind) to focus the story on a definite place and definite pair of creatures, if I'm making any sense. Anyway, the next thing is to add more description and flesh it out more, now that it's two short sentences. Maybe reorganise the second.

"The tall, fierce form of the wild Blaziken stood rigid as its sharp eyes focused on the small, brown-spotted teddy bear standing, cowering, before it. The rain pelted down around them, obscuring their forms as they stood in the centre of the green field."

Maybe use "emerald", or "vibrant", or something like that instead of "green" (though the alternative both don't mean green). Also, in the next sentence on, you use "teddy bear" again; try not to repeat phrases and terms already used in close proximity.

Anyway, like I said, I'm sure you don't need to be told this to get a good rating when one is given, but it might help. Anyway, as is, I think I'd give it 7-8/10, but improving it would raise that. Hope it helped and that I didn't come across as being condescending or anything.