LTM(Lawrence the Mercanary)G

[Kojiro]

LTM(Lawrence the Mercanary) is my Fanfic I made up a little while ago, but have not posted it as I have been fixing it up, well now the first chapter is done and ready for your enjoyment. The first chapter is a little short, but it is the prelude, anyway the story is sortof a mix of Yugioh, DNangel, and Roruoni Kenshin, but still I think you will like it, plus it is rated G!

Chapter one- “Prelude”
The year is 1971, all over the world, Mercenaries have been springing up, they kill for money, and our feared by many, but a few mercenaries are a acceptance, one is Lawrence, a dark-purple haired young man of 17, and he rarely kills, unless his target has killed. He only fights criminals, and rival mercenaries. He one day disappeared in a fight with another mercenary, a ruthless killer named Coruhiro, and they were both never heard of again. Until the year 2004, where our story begins.
A quiet rain poured down on a fine January morning, as bird whispered peacefully. A young boy was walking down a road, the boy was Lawrence Jessica Rose, or Laren as people called him, the reason was that he had long purple hair, to his shoulders, a very high voice, and a girlish figure, so people decided to call him Laren instead of Lawrence.
“Yawn, that was a fun winter break, but time for school again.” He said as he walked down the road. He finally reached school a few minutes later, and was unpacking his stuff for the day ahead. He was reaching to get his favorite notebook, when he pulled out a necklace. It has a medallion on it with a thunderbolt symbol.
“Where did this come from? Oh well, it looks cool I think I will show it off, to Megumi!” he thought to himself. Megumi was a girl he admired, but she never seemed to care for him much, but he knew deep inside she had a soft spot for him. He entered the class, where he was approached by two of his buddies. One of them was Jeri, he was very hyper, and got in trouble a lot. The other was Aki, a nice quiet boy, who seldom got in trouble. The day had begun, but it was going to be a day to remember!

Next Chapter: Lawrence’s Reawakening, don’t miss it!

[Kojiro]

Chapter 2: Lawrence’s Reawakening!
“Hey Laren, did you finish that paper?” Aki asked nicely.
“Totally! It was so easy! I did it in a few seconds, I mean a paper on censoring in kids shows, heck I can name 50 in Pokemon alone!” Laren said with a smile.
“Ahhh! I forgot to do that paper! Mrs. Gali is going to kill me! Laren can I copy yours?” Jeri yelled.
“Hah you little kids still watch Pokemon!” said a voice. Laren’s eyes sparkled with love it was Megumi! Megumi was a stout girl with long blonde hair, no other boy thought she was that cute, but then again Laren was not really like most boys at school.
“Uhh…no! Pokemon is for little babies! We watch Digimon.” Laren said with confidence. Aki, Megumi, and Jeri all did an anime fall.
“You idiot! You think Megumi thinks Digimon is even more mature!” Jeri yelled.
“Now classes settle down,” said Mrs. Gali, the teacher,she was a small women, but was very nice. “ Now today we are talking about proper nouns………”
“Aww man I blew it, I always freak out around Megumi! I need to go get a drink and cool off for a second.” Laren thought to himself. Laren walked out side and got a drink, when he noticed someone hiding behind the corner watching him. It was nobody he had ever seen before, and they looked very suspicious. Suddenly he saw them pull a gun out. “Eeeeeeeeeeeee.” Laren shrieked. The person ran away from Laren’s glass shattering squeal.
“What is the meaning of this Mr. Rose?” Mrs. Gali asked as she stepped out of the hall. She looked mad. “ It is my last few days as your teacher, and you disrupt the whole school with your squealing. Explain yourself.”
“Well there was a guy with a gun and he pointed it at me, and then I screamed!” Laren said in a really fast, scared voice.
“Sure! Mr. Rose, your buffoonery has earned you the right of sitting outside today by yourself!” Mrs. Gali said in a stern voice.
“I really did see that!” Laren thought to himself out in the hall. He then saw the person again hiding behind a corner. He slowly snuck near the corner and came face to face with a robot in a cloak.The robot was a human shaped metallic creature with a visor on it's head, and two black lines running down it's sides. The word "K1" was on it.
“Prepare to die!” the robot said as he pulled out his gun. “I am K1, and robot designed for killing you!”
“It is time!” a voice in Laren’s head said. Laren rose off the ground, and started to glow. Laren awoke later to find himself in a room, with a big monitor, and on it he saw the robot, but the weird thing was it was through his eyes.
“What is going on here?” he yelled.
The mysterious voice spoke again, “Laren you were destined to become one with me, Lawrence the Mercenary! There is no time to explain, but you are in your brain, which is why all the furniture is pink and purple, anyway I took control of your body, and turned it into my body! Now watch as I kill this robot!”
“What!” the robot yelled. Lawrence took a sword from his sheath and flipped it so the blade faced the robot.
“ Rai Slash!” Lawrence yelled as he flew at the robot. He went right past him, and the robot was unscratched!
“Hah my metal is inv…” the robot said just as he split in half and exploded.
“You were saying” Lawrence laughed!
“That was cool! But I think you need to fill me in more.” Laren said in disbelief.

Next Chapter: Lawrence explains it all. Get ready!

[DannyBoy]

OK, don't get offended by anything I say. So far this does seem interesting, haven't seen anything like it around here. But there hardly is any description. It is mostly just a bunch of diolouge. Also it could have been a bit longer. To help you out I recommend using Microsoft Word to write it on and try to make it about 2 pages on it. Also you could space it out a little bit. Sometimes I was reading one sentance and slipped to another one. The spelling was good and I could not find any grammer errors. I think you have the idea but you need to add more into it. Keep it up! I will keep an eye out for the next chapter.

[Kojiro]

I do write it on Word, but I think the spacing messes up when I copy it to the forums.And should I space it Double space?

Anyway the stroy does get better eventually, like around the fourth chapter, since the third is mostly talk. But the fourth is mostly a comical TR-esque scene, I have to admit this, but three of the charcters are greatly inspired off of TR.

Anyway some BG info, all the charcters in this story, cept for Lawrence, the robots, and some other guys, are based off real people.

Laren, is greatly based off me, cept the part about the purple hair, my hair is black.

Aki, is based of one of my friends, who goes by the name Abaremax here.

Jeri and Mrs.Gali are a kid and teacher at my school.

Megumi is based off a girl at my school, rember the girl who I had a serious girl-problem with in one of my post in the Misc not too long ago, well, this girl is based off her.

Anyway glad people like my story, and I hope to make it better!

[DannyBoy]

Well if you don't space on word, when you put it on here do then. After each person talking space it then after each paragraph talking about things space it. I dont think you need to double space its not needed.

[mistysakura]

Very original indeed. Originality rules. I liked how Lawrence/Laren's not just a normal boy, but on the girly side...

Do you hang out in the anime forums? I think that this fic shows signs of it, like the anime fall. Let's just say that people don't do that outside anime... and fanfiction's different from anime. Also, I think you should use a lot more description. I can't really picture this robot, or the surroundings, or anything, because I don't know a thing about them. It's pretty much essential to have descriiption in fanfics, unlike say the anime (I don't even know why I keep referring back to that, so no offense or anything), where everything's nicely depicted on the screen.

Hope that helped.

P.S. Do you want to change your thread title? It's... weird.