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Hourglass_Scorpion
30th January 2004, 09:38 PM
Ok this is one of my fics that I enjoyed writing so here it is:

Prologue:

An ancient battle waged out in space thousands of years before the world we know now was created.

A creature with amazing powers over fire and the gift of immortal life thought she could rule the Universe.

The Queen was successful in intimidateing every other Galaxy until she arrived in the galaxy that we call the Milky Way Galaxy.

Using her magnificent wings she flew into a system of planets, to us the future Solar System, in this system she was met with some opposers, people who werent scared of her extraordinary powers.

"I dont think it is wise to attack me like this" The queen spoke, her voice was soft and elegant but she held the tone that made everyone listen when she talked.

The army stared at her and listened to every word she said, they watched in horror as her great red and gold Pheonix wings spread out, fire started to erupt from them instantly destroying more than one third of the opposing army.

The Queen adjusted her red and gold headress as it started to slid down over her eyes, the headress was made of Pheonix feathers and had a gold crown like rim with a great ruby in the center.

She then bent down and swept some space dust of her ruby red dress. She then started to walk in her Ruby Slippers closer and closer to the remaining army.

Most of the army instantly teleported back to their home planet of Mars but three brave warriors remained.

"We the last warriors of Mars will not let you rule in this system!" The warrior in the middle yelled.

The Queen was shocked never in all of her royal life had she seen people not do what she commanded. Her serene face contorted to a face of anger, her great golden eyes narrowed giving the three warriors a filthy look, she raised her arms knocking the headress of revealing ruby red long hair that reached to her feet, and with a terrifying blast of flames two warriors were dead and one was just breathing.

"Scorpius get here right now!" The Queen cried.

In a flash of black light a new man appeared he was dressed in a long brown gothic like coat with brown trousers and shiny black shoes, his hair was black with sandy brown streaks through it.

"Yes Queen Fira" Scorpius replied.

"I want you to drain away his life while I go teach his planet a lesson" Fira replied.

Fira flew over to planet Mars and hovered out of its atmosphere while Scorpius punched his hand into the warriors chest absorbing all his life and energy.

"Well it looks like you and your people wont see the future planet of Earth get born" Scorpius teased.

With the warriors last breath he breathed these words:

"No our King wont allow an evil creature like Fira rule this system"

Scorpius then watched him die, he then turned around and looked into the distance where he saw a swirling of gases which looked to be forming planet Earth.

Scorpius then flew to the gases while Fira hovered above Mars.

The king of Mars saw her so he teleported off the planet and appeared where Earth was forming.

Fira held her right palm towards the planet unleashing a great wave of fire completely engulfing Mars and turning it into the dry desolate planet we know today.

Fira then dissapeared in flames and reappeared at the gases, where Scorpius and King Mars were fighting.

King Mars used his magic and turned Scorpius into a sand Scorpion and trapped him in a small Hour Glass which was attatched to a chain.

Fira was shocked so she just watched the king walk over to her.

"I use the last of my powers and my life to trap you forever and the only thing that will ever release you is your servent!" King cried.


A flash of green light went by and Fira was trapped in the core of the forming planet Earth, the king then died. Years and years passed as Fira was trapped giving heat and making the core of Earth, she stayed trapped for thousands of years up until the 21st century.

A young boy sat in his room crying as an object incased in a falling star landed outside his window.

mistysakura
31st January 2004, 04:15 AM
Original. The end bit reminded me of this book I read about the moon falling out of the sky. (I know it sounds lame, but it's a fairy-tale sort of thing.)

I think that the explanation of Mars was cool. Keep it up!

P.S. Usually we put commas at the end of spoken sentences (unless there's already a question mark there or something).

HavoX
31st January 2004, 06:13 PM
Not bad, but let's go through this:

http://www.fender.net/images/bobsqu.gif

Hourglass_Scorpion
1st February 2004, 02:48 AM
Ok thanks for your replies i'll try to improve where I was wrong. Thank you for reading the first chapter will be up soon.

PancaKe
1st February 2004, 03:14 AM
It was really really good for a prologue. Its a unique style of writing, where sometimes, description isnt needed to give the effect wanted. But I did notice some parts of it were rather bare, and i think they could be fleshed up a bit. But it was actually really good ^^ And sometimes, where you used the word and, it may ahve been a bit more "dramatic" to add like, new sentance, or comma or something. ^^;; Like at the end bit where the flash of green ilght went by AND she was trapped. Maybe something like "a flash of green light blinded everybody in sight" and then new paragraph stating with her being trapped *shrugs* I dunno but I do like the writing style ;) Actually do you know what it reminded me of? Parts of it reminded me of Revelation, the last book in the Bible. Where you mentioned "a third" and some other bits full reminded me of that - how cool!

And btw, Doomed Trainer - I LOVE THAT THING! IT IS SO COOL! wheredya get it??

God bless

~Mist

HavoX
1st February 2004, 07:48 AM
Originally posted by Mist

And btw, Doomed Trainer - I LOVE THAT THING! IT IS SO COOL! wheredya get it??

http://www.quake3world.com/ubb/Forum3/HTML/077897.html?

Hourglass_Scorpion
8th February 2004, 04:20 AM
Ok sorry guys for not posting but I had heaps of school work to do all week.

Chapter 1: Tied Destinies.......

"Still trapped here!, it's been an eternity already!" Queen Fira complained.

She was still trapped in the centre of planet Earth but over thousands and thousands of years here underground prison had taken a cavern like look to it.

"Each time I try to get out something stops me but this time I wont be stopped!" She screeched.

Cleanching her palms into fists she gracefully walked over towards a far point of the cavern, slowly she stepped up onto a high pointed rock, her wings began to glow a glamorous gold while the rest of her body started to melt into flames, an upwards gust of wind started to blow.

Up above the ground a violent tremor occured, the tremor soon turned to violent shakes while the shakes then turned into an earthquake. A cone of rock and stone started pushing itsslef up into a volcanic position, the volcano pushed itself up out of the ocean and stood a couple of metres above sea level.

Off the coast of Australia, people in Darwin and on the coastline of the Northern Territory saw the event take place.

Fira was now a complete figure of magma and her golden Pheonix wings stretched out off her back, a pool of lava formed at her feet while an explosion fired off, people from all around the world heard the defeaning bang while lava and magma shot upwards and started pouring out of the volcano's crater.

The lava and volcanic ash shot out into the sky landing on the water while issuing a steaming noise which signalled the lava had turend into volcanic rock.

Fira had made it out of the crater and into the sky making the black smoke and clouds take on a Pheonix shape, she thought she was free that was until 4 coloured orbs of light charged straight into her pinning her back inside her prison, just like magic the smoke and ash dissapeared and all the lava cooled, a beach then formed and tropical plants and trees sprouted from the rock.

Fira got up off the rocky cavern floor and dusted herself off.

"So I failed again..... it must be true maybe Scorpius is the only one that can free me" Fira wailed, with that she accepted defeat and slumped to the floor.

Thousands of kilometres away in the state of New South Wales, Australia a young boy was crying as news of the new island flooded peoples t.v sets. The boy dared not leave his dark and gloomy bedroom in fear he might be in hospital the next day, his dad had started drinking again and within a week he was abusive again.

A small star had landed outside his window and was hovering in one place, the child scooped it up and watched it melt into the shape of an hourglass with Obsidians carved into the wooden fram of it, inside the hourglass was some sand but this sand was floating up the top end, the sand slowly fell to the bottom while moulding it's self into a scorpion. 2 black eyes opened which pierced into the boy's mind.

"I will help you if you help me" The scorpion bargained.

The boy nodded and hung the hourglass around his neck, it was attatched to a fine silver chain, that night the boy had horrific dreams of events that were soon to form his destiny...

PancaKe
10th February 2004, 04:28 AM
i think you need to expand on the boy and his feelings. Maybe develop into them a bit deeper, and it would also help if you perhaps developed a sense of connection between the boy and the scorpian. Becuz like, its a bit cliche really, having the scorrpian suddenly make an offer, and the boy accepting without any questions. I thnk that a relationship betwen the scorpian and the boy needs to be grown.

But overall a nice chapter.

~Mist