Neo-Earth League

[phantasmal]

Neo-Earth League

Date: January 3, 5000
Location: New York City, New York


Satori felt the ground race at him. He hated this part…he always had. At an early age he had concluded that teleportation was just not his thing – however, it was the fastest means of travel, and it was extremely efficient. One could zip from Japan to Timbuktu in a matter of seconds – much less from Minneapolis to New York City, which was his destination.
Suddenly, he was there. Standing in an eight foot tall glass tube, his molecular data had been reconfigured to its correct form – minus one or two strands of hair that were probably floating around somewhere along the route. He sighed in relief, waiting for the computer to clear his visa and let him out of the tube.
Seconds later, the tube lifted into the air with a hydraulic hiss. Satiro stepped out onto an escalator and road it down to the ground floor. Exiting the Neo-Earth Global Teleportation Station, he caught a hover-cab to the nearest PokéCenter…

[Darien Shields]

Did I miss something? Like your Fan Fic?

[Chris 2.1]

Originally posted by Darien Shields
Did I miss something? Like your Fan Fic?

How dare you be like that! Phantasmal has started a fanfic, and while the prologue is very little, i am shocked by your attitude towarda another person. Do you write fanfics? If you do, then you can surely remember your first attempt at one. They're not as easy as people make out. If you didn't, then you have to reason to critiscise Phantasmal, because he/she has taken the step towards POSTING their fic, which you may not have done.

Phantasmal: A lot of work is needed. Maybe describe what it feels for Satori as he teleports, and describe to us how life has changed from the year 2003. You could go through how much Minneapolis has changed from its past location to its modern-day appearence.

It is way too short, though. Maybe if you are not prepared to go any furhter at this point, then go through what Satori looks like; we don't know who he is, what he is, what gender he is, his hair colour...we don't know a thing about him. Try that.

Oh, do you like Futurama? that's set in the year 3000 and beyond, and is a really good veiw on the future.

[Darien Shields]

I think you misunderstood my tone. I wasn't spitting on Phantasmal's face or anything, but you said your self, way too short. I think it's lacking in context. The main character lives in the year three thousand and is unnerved by teleportation, despite it's convenience. He also teleports from one location to another. Not only does it lack length, but it also seems to bevery out of place, as if it is a small part of a larger piece of writing. I understand it is but one chapter, but chapters are usually divided by clear beginnings and endings, or diferent events within them. If teleporting is one chapter, I'm worried about the speed at which the story will develope, I mean, how many chapters to walk home from school? 2? 3? Well, do not take my words to heart, afterall, I am only one fan fic writer, and I am yet to find a 'claim to fame.'

[phantasmal]

Yes, I intend to delve deeper into this story. More is on the way. I ran out of time writing that little bit and had to leave in a hurry. :rolleyes:

[AquaBabe727]

Hehe, I thought it was classy. Stylish, you know? He gives you just enough to make you interested, and it's different. It's a very visual little peice of work, and I liked it, tho it was short. I think it was a good, tantalizing way to start out your fic, phantasmal. Can't wait for the first chapter! ^_^

[Chris 2.1]

Well, i suppose you should write this in Microsoft Word, as that can enable you to save work, spellcheck work, edit work and so on. It can also alert you of lots of things, IE: Sentence fragments, a common error in fanfics.