Haethen, chapter one. Opinions please.

[Sceptile_Master]

Okay. This isn't about pokemon though. This is just the first chapter though and the rest wont be written for a while. I expect there be 12 or 13 chapters in all. Right so lets go. The first chapter, 'the dark side of Teek'

Note that the world in this story isn't like ours it is a made up one. Also the whole place just dose not consist of towns to towns to towns. It has town and villages here and there, every where else is the lush green plains.

On the dark side of Teek.

The winds of midday were in full flow at the centre of Teek. Another day of brilliant weather and humid heat in the winds. It was like all the other days gone by recently. The sun sparkled on throughout the whole of Teek. Birds on trees added mood and tone to the whole atmosphere.
Down near the sparkling clean water of the Koi Pond a figure sat. His eyes closed and his crazy, long and spiky blond hair rippled along to the winds current. His legs were crossed although not as easy to tell as one would expect as his leg garments puffed out, only held close to his body by the variety of belts he had for some reason strapped around them at various points. He wore a very thin, very light scarf around his shoulders and neck like a huge cluster. His blue top riddled with more belts, held no coverage over his arms. He wore a single armlet on each wrist, each armlet had big long wavy and kind of ripped lengths of light fabric from a similar style to his scarf.
He opened his eyes to reveal brilliant sky blue coloured balls. The figure got up and started to walk over the lush green grass towards the centre of Teek. Chinese style pagoda looking houses were placed around the beautiful, clean looking area. The character entered one of these structures. He went to the kitchen and took out some noodles and a pot. He turned on a small stove in the corner of the room. The noise of someone else entering the house. This person shouted out ‘Kai are you here.’
‘In the kitchen’ shouted Kai.
The figure walked into the kitchen where Kai was cooking his noodles. ‘Noodles again’ said the person. The person was quite old and his hair was beginning to grey. He had a beard and wore a purplish robe. ‘And’ replies Kai.
‘You had them yesterday’ said the person
‘There’s nothing wrong with that, I just felt like it okay.’
‘Okay, okay, but remember that tonight is when the Koi jump up the falls to the pond above for the summer time.’
‘Blue, I’ve been through it seven times I know.’
Kai went outside and sat on the wooden porch with his noodles, got some chopsticks down and started to eat them. Blue followed behind him. ‘Where have you been for all of today’ asked Blue. Kai’s eyes shifted slowly from his bowl of noodles to Blues face. He swallowed some noodles. ‘The Koi pond’ He replied.
‘Okay... that’s fine, I’m off to buy some noodles, I think we’ll be needing some’
‘Right then bye’
Blue walked off in the direction of the market. Kai took some more noodles and chewed on them slowly. ‘Geez I’m 18 now’ he thought to himself.
As night started to dawn upon Teek, the sky slowly gave into the darkness and stars were starting populate its wide open plains. Despite being night it was warm, as the humidity remained in the air. Tonight in Teek was the night of the Koi. Teek was well known for its Koi carp bounding to the top of the waterfall as this night is the night when the waterfall mysteriously slows down to a very, very mild pace. No one really knows why the Koi do this but they come back down when summer ends. The Koi ride the waterfall back down to the pond below. This is a very important event on the residents of Teek’s calendar. June the third.
Kai walked down to the pond with Blue. ‘Kai do you remember the first time you saw the Koi jumping up the falls.’
‘Yeah’
‘Teek is well known for this event and many people would so love to see this spectacular event.’
‘The first time I saw it was like some amazing dream, I couldn’t believe that the Koi could jump with such power to ascend upon the waterfall. I suppose I found it even more spectacular being only ten years old.’
‘Yes, I believe that to be true, but now that you have become accustomed to this event do you still find it as breath taking.’
‘I think its become more of a formality.’
‘Yes, as a great saying goes with a supply in demand satisfaction drops. Do you know what this means. Lets just say if you wanted some noodles...’
Kai frowned at Blue ‘Stop going on I only had it twice in a row.’
‘Let me finish, so if you had some noodles you might really enjoy it, but then you have more noodles and you might still enjoy it, but when you get to your fifth or sixth serving of noodles you might not even enjoy it that much at all.’
As the two approached the Koi pond many figures started coming into view. Small lights highlighted and illuminated the Koi pond. The Koi were all jumping around glittering trails of water following closely behind them. There was people of all sorts sitting around pond watching them leap high into the air as they warm up. Some people had snacks from a small Barbecue like stall. ‘Do want something to eat’ asked Blue.
‘Just some...’
‘Noodles.’
‘No stop with the noodles already’ shouted Kai ‘prawn fried rice.’ Kai said this selection a lot calmer.
‘Okay then.’
Kai sat down and watched the Koi, which varied in colour do their stuff. The waterfall was definitely a lot slower than usual. Many people would find this very strange, but the residents of Teek are all used to the yearly happening. The water in the Koi ponds was always crystal clear. Teek was seen as very special because not only do the Koi climbing a waterfall amaze, but the waterfall greatly slowing down and the superb clearness of the water. Kai got up he heard footsteps approach him. It was Blue holding two helpings of prawn fried rice. He gave one to Kai and then sat down. Kai followed suit. As both of them were eating there noodles it became apparent that the Koi were just readying themselves to start. The atmosphere was never very loud here even when the Koi hadn’t started to make their way up the waterfall yet. And then a beautiful shining orange Koi made a leap up to the waterfall. Then a huge swarm of Koi followed all at once. Sounds of splashing crashed throughout the whole of the surrounding area. The Koi struggled with huge leaps, with great determination in their eyes. It was destiny for them to reach the top. The event of the Koi climbing the waterfall lasts quite a long time despite the waterfall only scaling just under 4 metres. Specs of water sprayed off the Koi and glittered magnificently as they slowly descended to the ground. The strongest Koi stood out, climbing the falls at significantly higher speeds than the rest of them. Kai put his chopsticks down and walked over to return the bowl to the person at the stall. Kai’s head flicked over to the direction of the forest. Very suddenly. ‘What was that noise’ he thought to himself. Kai chose to ignore this and he started to walk back over to where blue was sitting. His head dashed again to the direction of the forest. ‘There it is again’ Kai whispered to himself. It was obvious that no one else had heard the noise. Kai dashed over to Blue. ‘Blue, I’ve got to go now, can’t explain.’ Kai dashed off in the direction of the small forest that rested upon the outskirts of the town. Blue quickly got to his feet, ‘But Kai the festival.’ Kai kept on running.
Kai was a very fast runner, the forest was approaching quite fast. The crisp leaves crunched under his quick moving feet. The Koi pond was becoming quite distant. Kai’s eyes widened, he saw something just outside the forest entrance. He skidded to halt as he reached the forest entrance. A long slim figure had his back turned. He had long grey hair and despite being quite slim had fairly impressive looking muscles. His trousers were slightly baggy and not being dirty had a murky blue colour to them. His top was of an orangey brown colour and had pendants hanging around his arms. His top had little bits like trousers have for belts to keep these in place.
‘What are you doing, I think it would be a bit stupid to enter the village through the forest, unless you’re trying something suspicious?’ said Kai. The figure turned around and very plainly ‘how did you hear me from the Koi pond.’
‘Oh, I have very good hearing, in fact its part of my training. You see I have some weird passion for fighting, I suppose it keeps me busy in a quiet place like this.’
‘Well, well you must have good hearing then, hmmm all the way from the Koi pond eh.’ The character gave a snigger ‘well now if you don’t mind moving aside before you get hurt.’
‘I doubt you could live up to your self esteemed quotes.’
‘QUIET’
‘Come on’ Kai ran towards the character with great speed. Then with immense skill and speed, fired his fist towards the mysterious character. Kai did this with such speed that most normal people would quiver with fear. Despite this, with a small but skilful hop backwards the character dodged it with ease. ‘I thought you did a lot of training’ said the character. Kai looked completely speechless. He threw another punch. The character ducked under this and quickly swiped his feet through Kai’s legs sending him falling forwards. Towards the character. The person then with lightning speed did an overhead kick right to Kai’s chin. Kai was sent in the opposite direction. His back hit the floor and he slid along on it. Kai screamed with pain. Kai struggled to his feet. ‘Such agility...and power.’
‘It hurts doesn’t it.’
The figure ran up to Kai and jumped up. Before Kai could even react the character’s foot had slammed into the side of his face. Kai was sent hurling back to the floor again. Kai started to get up again. ‘Fool! How can you still retain consciousness.’ said the character angrily.
‘I told you I don’t go down easy.’
Kai was now back on two feet with blood dripping from his face. Kai used all his willpower to throw a striking kick straight at the stranger. The person ducked under it and threw a piercing uppercut right into Kai’s stomach. Before Kai even had started to be thrown backwards from the uppercut, his powerful foe had jumped to his side and rammed his elbow straight into Kai’s back. Kai slammed down on the floor face first. ‘You should have just moved aside.’ Then Kai very slowly lifted his face off the ground with his arms the only things supported him up. ‘So’ said the dark figure ‘You are quite a lot stronger than the average person. As you said, but your still light years away from me.’ Kai could hardly hear. He was coughing loudly and small amounts of blood was coming from his mouth. His vision was blurred. ‘If you must know I don’t want to be seen that’s why I entered through the forest. I’m just passing through though, your village has nothing to fear.’ He said ‘yet.’ He then threw a powerful kick into the side of Kai’s body sending him flying back first into a tree at the entrance to the forest. Kai’s body had all it could take. His eyes closed as lost consciousness. ‘Hmmm’ said the character. He then took his leave and walked into the village.
Morning was breaking over Teek and the birds were coming out to sing. But just as all that made a new day were coming around. Kai was also coming around. His eyes slowly opened. ‘Uhhhh. Where am I.’ He said wearily. He sat up. ‘Ahhh.’ That hurts. What happened. Kai suddenly had a couple of flashbacks from the previous night. ‘THAT PERSON. How could he be so strong. I train everyday.’ Kai slowly got to his feet. ‘So dizzy.’ He looked up at the glowing sun. And the sky who’s darkness was fading away to the light. His eyes slightly closed trying to shield his vision from the sun. It was hard in the conditions to keep them open. ‘I guess I’ll have to go back home get somethin’ to eat or sumit.’ His words were very drowsy. He made his way, slowly, down the path he had ran up the previous night.
Blue was sitting at home shaking. The atmosphere was very queit and hollow. ‘Kai... where have you gone... Kai.’ The door suddenly opened. And Kai struggled through. ‘Kai oh Kai thank god your still here.’
‘Sorry’ Spurted Kai with one eye closed.
‘You’re bruised and covered in blood. What happened to you .’
‘Let us sit down for a moment then I’ll tell you.’
‘Okay I’ll make you a Cocoa’
‘Thanks.’
Shortly later Blue came back with a towel and some cocoa for Kai. And took a seat next to him on the sofa. Kai then told Blue in full detail what happened, every so often taken sips from his cocoa. Kai dabbed his face with the towel. Your face looks really sore’ exclaimed Blue, have you dabbed it enough’
‘Blue, I’m eighteen I can take care of myself.’
‘Last night begs to differ.’
‘Blue, I train everyday. A lot. It’s just he was unbelievable.’
‘Yes, I can’t say that I know someone as strong and skilful in the art of combat as you. Someone who can throw pin point accuracy punches and kicks at superbly immense speeds without losing any power. But this person must be something if he pummelled you with such ease.’
‘He knocked me unconscious without even hitting much more than just a few times.’
‘Maybe you should rest for a while.’
‘Yeah, I’ll just finish this cocoa and then have a nap.’
With the end of the conversation Blue left Kai to rest on the sofa. Kai quickly fell to sleep, to wake up later that day, around noon. Upon waking up, Blue had just entered the room. ‘Oh Kai your awake.’
‘How long have I been asleep for.’
‘Oh just a few hours.’
‘right I’m going out.’
‘WHAT In your condition.’
‘Yeah. To train. I’ll be ready, the person said ‘‘Your village has nothing to fear... yet’’
Kai exited his house walking slowly along to the training spot he uses next to the Koi pond, with a bowl of curry and chopsticks in his hand. He likes training near the Koi so he headed to the top Koi pond. When he arrived he put the bowl and chopsticks to one side and went over to a tree stump. He had carved a crater into the tree stump and had carved the rest of the wood into balls just a bit bigger than tennis balls. He had done this with two fairly spaced stumps. Kai had done a good job of carving them. He through one of the balls into the air. ‘That tree there is my target he thought.’ He jumped into the air and his leg swept through the winds making brutal contact with the wooden ball with great accuracy. The ball went flying to the direction of the tree. Bang on target the ball slammed into the tree, chipping the rough bark straight from it. He then picked up two of the wooden balls and through them up. ‘Both without one hitting the floor.’ He said quietly to himself. He jumped and swept his right foot at the left ball which was slightly closer to the ground than the right one. He then put his left foot under his right which was still suspended in the air and chipped the right ball upwards with the sole of his foot. He then landed on the floor. His first ball slammed against the tree chipping even more bark from the tree. The other ball was still suspended in the air. He jumped up and did yet another sweeping kick this time with his worst foot his left. It was just as accurate and powerful as his last kick. Even more bark was torn off. He landed on the floor. ‘Done, it’ he said.
Later at about twenty minutes past eight (Prime time). Blue came to see Kai. Kai was unleashing a flurry of punches and kicks on a huge boulder of clay. Clay had crumbled all over the floor in front of the rock. ‘Kai you have been here for eight hours that’s about three times the length you normally train for.’ Kai stopped beating the half pulverised boulder of clay. He was panting heavily and looked completely haggard. ‘I need, huff to keep up, puff with it, pant.’ Kai wheezed. Blue picked up the bowl of curry and the chopsticks which had been lying in the same spot for the last eight hours. ‘Come back and get something to eat,’ suggested Blue ‘I don’t know how you keep it up without having eaten for eight hours.’ Kai fell to his knees ‘Yeah, huff I think I’ve completely drained my energy dry, puff I think it’s willpower that’s keeping, pant me going.’ Blue walked over to him and put Kai’s arm around his shoulder. ‘Come on lets get something to eat.’
Kai woke up the next morning at about 8 o’clock. Quickly after waking up he was in the kitchen making him self some pop tarts in the toaster. Blue came through the Chinese style sliding door which Kai had left open. ‘Those aren’t good for you, you know?’
‘Blue do you have any idea how little I care,’
‘Well you should do, life doesn’t last forever.’
Kai took the pop tarts from the toaster as they popped up. He walked outside and sat on the steps leading up to his houses door. He started to eat the pop tarts. Blue sat down next to him. ‘You know Lance is visiting Teek today.’
‘Lance, the elder of Oranham?’
‘Yes, I was thinking, that Lance may have heard of the person that you met two days ago. As you know Oranham will pick up the knowledge of any little things. It is a very respected place and their shrine may know of this person. Don’t doubt their knowledge of the not known.’
‘Doubting a place like Oranham’s knowledge would be foolish, when will Lance be arriving in the village.’
‘In about a couple of minutes time at the villages main entrance.’
‘Okay I am going there now to greet him on arrival.’
‘Okay then I’ll see you later.’
Kai rushed to the towns entrance. His long blond hair that always stands upwards was blowing in the breeze. Ruffling. He greeted residents as they greeted him. The morning was bright and all the sense of a crisp perfect morning were all present and definitive. Teek’s absolutely beautiful, perfect naturalness flew passed him as Kai edged nearer to the villages main entrance. He started to slow down as the towns main entrance came into sight. He noticed that he was just in time. Lance was in the distance approaching the villages entrance. ‘Hi Kai,’ greeted a resident of Teek. ‘Meeting Lance with half a pop tart in our mouths are we Kai.’ Kai looked strangely at the person. He took the pop tart from his mouth. ‘Thanks Drake, but it will be finished by the time he reaches here.’
Lance was just about at the great big wooden arch with trees on either side. It was the entrance to the village and had Teek carved into it in huge capital letters. This then lead to a big round area of natural but bright coloured ground. It wasn’t muddy or dark brown it was just right. It was surrounded by grass and a couple of trees here and there and paths leading off to the other parts of Teek. The bright sun made everything look nicer and it all fell nicely into shape. As the entrance square of Teek always looks. Lance was in something that wasn’t a carriage or a wagon but more like a mix between the two. Being pulled by two horses with a man holding the lead coming from the rubber garments of which the horses were wearing on their faces. Because of course Lance is the high elder of Oranham. The horses stopped and Lance jumped out. He had brown medium length hair that went into big spikes at the back. He wore a red cape and a denim beige coloured jacket, which he kept unbuttoned. Under the jacket he wore a dark blue top. He was wearing creamy coloured trousers that went into some brown coloured boots. These boots were like Wellington boots but with a zip on the front of them. At the bottom they were like walking boots. Not shoes, nor trainers. He walked over to where Kai and Drake was standing. Luckily Kai had finished his breakfast. ‘Hello.’ Lance greeted.
‘Hello sir, I am Drake pleased to meet you’ Drake said nervously.
‘Good morning Drake I’m glad you came for my arrival.’ Lance turned to Kai.
‘I’m Kai.’
‘Kai, hmmm that name... oh yes you’re the one who was taken in when you were ten. With Amnesia. Right.’
‘Nothing escapes Oranham does it?’
‘That’s right young Kai’
‘Lance I have a question, if I may?’
Drake started to walk away ‘I’ll leave you two to your conversation then.’
Lance looked at him ‘Okay then I’ll see you later. Okay then ask your question Kai.’
‘Well just so you get some background information I’ll start with my situation. Two nights ago as the Koi were climbing the waterfall I heard a noise in the forest. I rushed up there...’
‘A noise in the forest from the Koi pond, you must have good hearing.’
‘Oh! I do. So anyways I ran up to the forest and I saw someone. I thought it was suspicious to come in through a forest. He made it clear to me that it was because he didn’t want to be seen. I train a lot to get stronger every single day as there isn’t much to do in this village. I have been renowned in Teek for my ability in this area. Yet he attacked me to remove me from his path and brutally beat me up with ease. Just before I lost consciousness he left saying that my village was in no danger... he finished that with yet. So I was wondering if being the Elder of Oranham you might know something.’
‘Was this person fairly slim and had long silvery grey hair. Did he have short chained pendants hanging from his browny coloured sleeves.’
‘That’s him it must be. That description is right on.’
‘I saw him sneaking through one of the pagodas in Oranham. As an elder it is my duty to stop people that could be a danger to Oranham. He beat me up that was last night at about 10 o’clock. No one else was in the pagoda. But then someone found me. I then immediately informed him to tell the residents of Teek that I will be coming at about half past eight the next morning I had some resting and healing time. And then off to Teek. That is the reason I am here. To check if any information had passed by in Teek, but I see that you have just answered my question.’
‘He must be heading east. Teek to Rendle I presume as it’s on the way to Oranham which he also went through. That’s all in the eastern direction.’
‘Yes well Kai, would you show me your fighting skills?’
‘Where did that come from?’
‘Well I want to see how strong you are because if he beat you with ease, seeing how strong you are might give us more of an idea how strong this person is. As you know I wouldn’t have been trusted as an elder if I...well.. couldn’t take care of myself.’
‘Right then lets get started.’ Kai spaced himself out.
‘Oh eager are we. Okay then.’ Lance turned to his carriage driver ‘Were just having a friendly... test lets say, do not step in.’ His view returned to Kai ‘Okay then let us start...NOW.’
Lance threw a greatly fast and powerful punch at Kai. Kai quickly blocked it with his arm and did a kicking sort of uppercut into Lance’s chin. Lance somersaulted backwards, then flames started to surround his hands. He quickly dashed his hands back and forth each time shooting bursts of fire at Kai. Kai aerobically dodged ball after ball of fire until eventually one hit him. Kai flew back a couple of metres and landed on his back. He quickly flipped to his feet. ‘Sunan magic.’ He said ‘I had no idea that he had been to Sunan.’ Lance ran up to Kai and threw a kick at him. Kai ducked under it and grabbed Lance’s leg and flipped him right over his head still keeping hold of his leg. Then Lance was slammed into the floor. Kai let go letting Lance slide for a metre or two. ‘Right that’s all I need to know’ coughed Lance. Kai stretched out his hand and helped Lance up. ‘I see that you are stronger than me even though I posses the skills of the Sunan. Despite that you dodged countless fireballs and the one that hit you was only a lucky shot. I mean you can’t keep going at your rate forever and you quickly got up from the blast. Plus you countered my kick wonderfully. You said that you got beaten with ease. This just shows me that our enemy is even stronger than I thought.’
‘Lance, I completely understand if this is not okay in this situation but I would like to pursue this person and pass through your town... well, could you give me a lift.’
‘That’s absolutely fine, you don’t have to be so ‘bow down it’s the elder of Oranham’ in fact I was wondering if you would join me in search of this person. I fell it needs to be done.’ Kai gave a quiet laugh at the way Lance had deliberately worded his speech. ‘Okay then.’ They gave each other the hand of a deal.
Back in Kai’s house Blue was sitting down drinking some tea. Then the door opened and Kai followed by Lance stepped into the plain but nice house. Blue who had just taken a sip of his tea spurted it out ‘La..Lance... sir.’ Blue was shaking in surprise. Kai walked over to Blue on the Chinese style sofa and sat down next to him. ‘Blue I’m going to be away for a while, maybe even a month or two. With Lance. We are going to pursue the person who beat me up that day. Lance had the same problem.’ Blue looked gob smacked. It was all so sudden to him. ‘Lance... sir... are you sure this is okay.’ Lance looked at him and smiled ‘It’s completely fine.’ Blue put his hands on Kai’s shoulders and looked into his eyes ‘Are you sure this is what you want to do.’ Kai looked back ‘I’m sure.’ Blue slowly removed his hands from Kai’s shoulders. ‘If that is what you want, you are old enough to make your own decisions now.’
‘Okay then.’ said Kai as he got up ‘I don’t want to delay Lance.’ Kai started walking slowly towards the door where Lance was standing. ‘Wait.’ Said Blue. He ran up to Kai ‘take this.’ He handed Kai a pendant containing a precious gem. ‘It’s my good luck charm, promise me you’ll come back...alive.’
‘I will.’ Said Kai, and with that he left.
Lance and Kai walked down Teek towards Lance’s wagon type carriage. ‘So Kai.’ Said Lance ‘You okay with stopping at Rendle. I have some business there.’
‘Fine.’ Kai replied ‘I just hope I’m not leaving with Blue feeling bad, you see he’s getting on in life now.’
‘It’s for a good cause. This person threatened both of our villages.’
‘I suppose your right.’
The sun was now in full shine as they approached the village entrance square and Lance’s wagon carriage. The trip to Rendle was just about to begin.

[eevee-shayna]

Very nice. Sounds like a good begining to a story. The detail was good, and the plot was catchy.

May I sugest that whenever you have a charactor speak, start a new paragraph. It gets confusing if everything is in one jumble, and it would make your story easier to read if you had dialoge start as it's own paragraph.

Also watch out for tense change (present or past, pick one). And don't be afraid to use commas. There were many times in the story where I found that a comma would be opropriate.

Apart from those things, great job. Haethen sounds like an epic story to me. Keep it up. ^_^

[Sceptile_Master]

Thanks alot. I start a new line every time someone new speaks on word, but I just copy and pasted what was in the document. I'll post more later, promise.