Pokemon: in my eyes, an Ash and Misty fic

[pokemon4eva]

Disclamer, the Pokemon and most charters in this story were borrowed not copy whited,
Ash: Age 20, Misty: age 22, Brock: age 32, Green: age 46, Red: age 46, Gray: age 46, Gary: age 27 Misty's sisters: age 34, Pokemon: who gives a damn, Oak: age 69,Mrs.Ketchum: age 53
Chapter: prologue
This is A story of Pokemon (of course) about Ash and Misty (of course). It also contains 3 characters of my own Gregory Green, Rickashaw Red, and Grayson Gray. This is my first FacFic so don't down me to much.
This is Place 6 Years after the Honnen series.This Fic Starts out in LilyCove city(Honnen City) and goes back to Pallet and Virridian Pewter and Curiulian and goes back to Honnen's Mossdeep.

[pokemon4eva]

Chapter1:A new beginning.
"Ash where are you."Yelled misty,"Ash, ASH."Misty noticed a chuckle from the bushes followed by a pika sound.
"ASH WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DIRAY"Misty Screemed so loud that pikachu couldn't hear for the next hour,"GIVE IT BACK PLESE"Misty Started to cry. "Don't worry Mist i didn't read anything I just wanted to see how you would react,"chuckled Ash,"Pretty smart huh" "ASH YOU **** HEAD" Misty Cursed at him.
The whole next few days she wouldn't talk to him she wouldn't even slap him!!!!!1. "Don't you notice that we aren't in this FanFic"Meouth Asked. "who care's we get a vacation."Yawned Jesse. " what's that,"Brock said
A helicopter flew above and landed near them. 3 people got out of the Helicopter a guy wearing a Black tanktop ca-mo cargopants brown combat boots and brown buzzed hair, A guy in a red tux red dress pants Red dress shoes and gelled blond hair, and one who looked like a movie director. "Hi our names are Green Red and Gray,"the trio said tougher," and you must be Ash Misty and Brock,"Gray Quickly said. "How do you know us,"Ash said. "We came looking for Ash Ketchum Pokemon Master the be a Trainer in our Gym."Green inquired.

[darktyranitar]

Um, hi there.

Well, that was quite short. And I hate to say this, but this fic could use some working. One suggestion, you could divide a few different dialogues in paragraphs.
Wait, based on title, I am curious if this was your writing style.
Anyway, it would be interesting to see what the next chapter will turn into. I hope you would post more. And welcome to TPM! :smilie:

[mistysakura]

Okay. This fic needs a lot of work. However, I believe that lots of improvements can be made, if you try, which is why I'll post some constructive criticism. I hope you understand that I'm not downing (is that a word?) you, just trying to help.

So. Um... did you write this in the message box on the forum? It seems to me that you did so, as darktyranitar pointed out, the chapter's very short so it looks like there isn't much effort behind it. Certainly it's obvious that you didn't edit it, seeing as there are spelling mistakes and things. I suggest writing using a word processor, which not only helps with spelling and grammar, but allows you to write longer chapters, and polish them.

So hopefully the word processor should help you with the basic spelling stuff. Just another little thing that helps readers read the fic more clearly is open a new paragraph when a new person starts speaking. Keeps paragraphs from seeming to run on forever.

Welcome to TPM, and I hope you'll keep posting.

[pokemon4eva]

Spelling errors what you talking about I used spell check.I know it needs work but I'm better at writing then typing I can write a 60 page book in 3 weeks but I can't type for beans. Downing is a word Pokemon ninja Person. Also there is a flash-back in this chapter.
Here's chapter 2.
Chapter 3:A 2 V.S. 2 match.
"Really I can be a gym trainer"Asked Ash. "Yes the helicopter will arrive the 3rd Thursday in October.
"Awwwwwww that's 4 months,"sobbed Ash. "Hey we want you to tell your family and friends so we have a plane to take you Curiliuen and that plane leaves tomarrow,"Green and Red told them,"But we have to go now the gym isn't fully built yet."The Three left."K the closest air port is actually in this city."Brock muttered noticing Ash was trying to get Misty to at least yell at him.
In Curiliuen They went strait to the gym.When they got there the sisters wanted to battle Misty It would be a 2 on 2 battle 2of the sisters v.s. Misty and Ash or Brock.
"As my partner I choose ASH,"Misty yelled in a fierce way to her sisters. "go Seaking and Dewgong."the sisters yelled. Go Luvdisc and Crawdunt."Misty and Ash said. After the Battle which of course Ash and Misty won they had one of Brock's Famous lunches. While the new opened eyes Tall Strong looking better looking Brock was flirting with Misty's sisters Ash was thinking about Misty.
(Starting flash-back) "Now I know how you feel about me Ash Ketchum."(end flash-back) That memory echoed throughout his mind he loved her but he was to afraid to tell her that. The same thing in her mind too.
(the Brian Branttiato song from south park started playing outta no where)The whole moth they were in Curiliuen Ash's attempts to tell Misty his feelings for her failed.They were going to Pewter tomarrow and it would be hard to tell her then since while they were in Cruiliuen they had allot of alone time since Brock was busy flirting.He had to tell her NOW OR NEVER.

[pokemon4eva]

MistySakura i wasn't being mean in the last entry.Decided to have drama twist.Also Go to www.newgrounds.com/collection/sonicthehedgehog for A sonic based The Brian Botanio song from south park.
Chapter3 No it cant end like this!!!!!!!1
When we left last time Ash decided that he would tell Misty He loved her. While Misty went out for a stroll Ash followed her. When She came to a clearing He would approach her and tell her but..."Rarwwrararw"A wild tauros was about to attack Misty."Misty Run"Ash yelled as he pushed her out of the way. "Ash Noooooooooooooooo"Misty screamed as The tauros Mauled Ash. He laid there life-less he was laying in a pool of his own blood. She ran as fast as she could she needed to get help for him. She got to Brock and her sisters Brock ran to aid Ash One sister called the hospital the other two comforted Misty. When the ambulance arrived Brock had already patched Ash up the best he could.
When they got to the emergency room a nurse told Misty that Ash wasn't breathing when they put him in the ambulance and sadly they couldn't resuscitate him. Ash....... HE wasDEAD.
"Misty today's the funeral please you know he'd want you to be there"Mrs.Ketchum was softly asking her. Misty allot of people were there including all 28 gym leaders (including Jhoto Orange Islands (orange islands have only 4 gyms) Honnen and Kanto) the elite 4 team rocket Green Red and Gray along with Gary Prof.Oak Misty's sisters and Brock. Right before he was buried Misty thought she saw a ghost but it wasn't a ghost it was angel "Misty"the Ash looking angel said,"wake UP."

[The_Missing_Link]

Here's a suggestion if you're a better writer than typer: write it out on paper first, type it out on Word and check for any mistakes and then post it here. It'll look a lot more polished that way

[darktyranitar]

Well, that was quite a twist. But you rush things up, that the chapter was so short. Anyway, you might want to consider putting the dialogue cleanly, so we can recognize which character is speaking. Also, you could try and improve your writing skill. The Missing Link suggestion can be applied.
This fic has the potential to be good, given some attention and some double checking for any error. I hope the fic improve in the next chapter. And don't feel bad when other reader criticise, that's just part of writing a fic. I hope you will post more chapter.

[mistysakura]

Hi again, two new chapters. Sweet. No offense taken, I know you weren't being mean, and I hope I don't come off as being mean either. (I wasn't being sarcastic when I asked whether "downing" was a word. It is? Cool. You learn something new every day.)

It's great to see you putting some plot twists in, as it's making the fic more unique. Killing Ash off (I still can't quite believe it, so early in the fic too) is going to provide some interesting material. But I think to use a good plot properly, we can't rush things. It's a good idea to show readers what happened instead of just summing things up. For example, it would have been good to see that battle scene in Chapter 2, because then we get to see a lot more action.

And, um, you do have spelling mistakes... 1st chapter second line, "diray" and "screemed" aren't words. Neither is "tomarrow" (line 3, Chapter 2). I wouldn't know why spell check aren't picking those up... Yeah I guess the best way is just to proofread. And if it helps to write the chapters on paper beforehand, go ahead. I myself prefer typing, but everyone prefers a different way. Obviously writing works for you, since you wrote that 60-page book (good job, I've never finished a fic as I always lost interest halfway through).

I hope I get to see more of your work!

[pokemon4eva]

Sakura read the last 2 words in chapter 3 I didn't kill Ash it was all a dream. The 60 page book was about a video game charter Dejango The Solar Boy Well here's chapter 4 ever though no one voted.Also I'm getting allot of criticism (:>( and I never wright it then type it I just don't. And i decided to divide my chapters into parts so all toughther it's a big chapter

Chapter4:Ash's true feelings Part1 was it a dream....
Last time,Ash Nooooooo,He wasn't breathing, Misty Wake Up.
Misty woke up she was in her room nothing had really happend was it a dream or a vision of things to come?
She got dressed and went to breakfest. Ash was there he was alive. To be continued.......

[darktyranitar]

Hey, I vote for the last option...

Anyway, since you said that this is only part 1, I hope you will post the other parts soon. And there's one spelling error in here; "breakfast" is writen as "breakfest". Anyway, I hope the future chapters will improve. And some edit to the previous chapters would be a good thing to do. See you later!

[mistysakura]

Yeah, I read the last two words all right. Except I didn't take them literally... I thought you were bringing in some fantasy thing, like "wake up to reality" or something. Doesn't help that I was listening to Bring Me To Life when I was reading.

Okay. I feel a bit stupid now. So Ash isn't dead... pity. The possibilities were endless.... On the other hand, I probably should have realised that killing Ash would have left too many loose ends. As for this part of the chapter, well I'll se what happens next before commenting.

About the criticism, well hey we're trying to help ya out here. Just say the word and we'll be quiet. If you really wanted us to, that is. By the way, I vote for the last option too, in case you can use it in a future chapter.

[pokemon4eva]

so in the famous words of my friend tolcry off of City of Hero's Shut up Dammit >:-( also this part deals with the
Matrix so hehehehe.
Chapter 4: Ash's True feelings Part 2o you have the pakage Mr. Ketchum.
So you saw Misty's Dream Here's Ash's....
Ash THE Matrix Has You"what"Ash asked.
Have you ever had a dream that felt so real that you were convinced it was.Take the bule pill and wake up in your bed like nothing has happend Take the red and stay in wonderland and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goe's."Uhhhhhhhhhhhh........This isn't the Matrix"Ash said
Ohhhhhh sorry I thought this was Neo........

[mistysakura]

Okay, this is your fic and your topic, so your wish is my command. This will be my last post in this topic, and I won't criticise your fic at all. But I've still got a couple of things to say.

Firstly, what I've said in just about every post; we're posting constructive criticism because were trying to help. You posted this fic so people could talk about it and comment on it, right? Because you want to hear what people think. But if you only want to hear praise for your fic, isn't that a bit like fooling yourself? So some people like your fic, others don't like parts of it. Telling people to shut up isn’t going to change the reality that some people don’t like certain things about your fic, and I just hope you can accept the reality that people have differing opinions.

Secondly, I hope that you’re trying to become a better writer. If so, you’re going to have to start listening to suggestions as to how to improve your fic, even if criticism is hard to take. Because it’s hard to judge one’s own fic, and constructive (I emphasise constructive) criticism can help you see ways to do things differently, that perhaps you hadn’t thought of before. So rejecting constructive criticism isn’t helping you improve at all. Your fic has potential; really, I think that how you’re putting in lots of twists is great, but everyone (including myself) has a lot they can learn from other people.

However, I get this feeling that my words are wasted, because you haven’t listened to anyone. So, goodbye, and good luck with the rest of your life.

[PancaKe]

lmao.
this fic isnt serious at all.
now if somebody had put "comedy" or "noob ripoff" in the title, then we wouldve all been okay.

and if this fic IS serious
boy do i pity you.
how can someone be so ignorant?

eh
xoxo
<3 tara

[darktyranitar]

What the...you told us to shut up?

Alright then, maybe I need to shut up.

EDIT: Man, I didn't meant to be mean...

[pokemon4eva]

I meant shut up the bad criticism not good I can work with. By good I meen Ideas like what i should but in it not shut up and leave me alone....I'm so lonely.......and Misty is the only one that gave me any good criticism so Dark Shut UP you F'n A-hole this is my first f'n fanfic PancaKe )8-( Here!!! my last entry.
Chapter 4 Ash's True Feelings: Part 3 Ash I.....I love you.
"Well I had a weird dream....A guy offered me pills" Ash said "I'll have what he's smoking"Brock laughted
"Ash I need to speak to you privately"Misty mumbled," Ash I need to tell you something I....I love you."



K happy bye I leaving pokemasters.

[pokemon4eva]

sory guys I can get ticked off real easlyexpecally to ya dark I just have a shortfuse well this really is my last entry ever but here is my website if ya want to see it www.freewebs.com/cretoz/index.htm

[darktyranitar]

Well, I didn't know my comment has leave you ticked off...

Anyway, since you're leaving TPM... well, goodbye then. And I'll check out your website later. See ya!

EDIT: You're not leaving TPM yet? Sweet.

[pokemon4eva]

I'm not really gonna leave but this fanfic is I will make a crossover next Narudo Full Metal Alcemist crossover.

[darktyranitar]

Hey, pokemon4eva! It's good to hear that you're not leaving. Anyway, I hope your next fic will work well.

And once again, I'm sorry if I gave you some harsh and stupid comments. I know this was your first fic here, and I didn't meant to dampen your spirit on posting it. Anyway, see you later!

[pokemon4eva]

The Real next chapter. chapter 4 part 3 was fake now it starts!!!
Chapter 5 Green and Red v.s. Gray and Ash part 1:The meet
After 4 months...
"what a helicopter" Mrs.Ketchum "Today is the big day" Ash Screamed Red Green and Gray left the helicopter.
"Ash sup" Red said, "we gonna have a 2 on 2 battle k!!!