The Feelings Thread

[Gavin Luper]

I just think this might be a good thread to have around for us creative peeps. When we feel particularly pissed off or overjoyed or depressed or excited about something, be it writer's block or our day-to-day life dramas, we can rant about it here, in this thread, amongst our peers.

The idea is simple: you write one sentence/paragraph about whatever it is you want to talk about, and it has to start with the words, "I feel." Where you take it after that is up to you ... the point is to get thoughts and feelings out of your head, either to allow you more perspective or just clear your head so you have space to write and imagine. And, just like high school drama class, this should be a safe space where we can all just express ourselves without judgment or ridicule.

Anyway, going out on a limb with this idea, but hopefully people find it fun/useful.

Myself, I feel a bit sad that growing up forces me to, at this point in my life, work a full-time job and do all those adult things that I hate, purely because the time I expend on my job and errands and housekeeping seem to automatically preclude the time I can spend writing. I'm working in a good job but it's not what I want to do with my life ... because it's not writing, or journalism, or languages ... so therefore I'm currently feeling a wee bit despondant and would love to throw myself back into writing for pleasure, like I always have until a few months ago. Grrrrrrr ... I HATE RENT.

Mini-rant over.

[Mew Master]

I feel as lethargic as ever, maybe more so. While I should be working on my Thesis and finally finishing up school, I've basically taken a year off from learning to goof off. This gave me time to get ready for SVP in England, come back, work on some of my web comics, fuss about a car burning out the transmission, deal with trying to get to work on time and do my max 20 hours a week, a re-interest back into Warcraft, writing Werewolf finally, some other Graduate responsibilities, seeing my GF a state away, and more stuff and ideas on top of that. I had hoped for a relaxing time, but the relaxation is over as more stuff gets tossed at me. I should spend time working on my Thesis, but I'm so burnt out from school and stressing about it, that I don't want to start it over again. Not to mention my health may be suffering as a result. I'm lazy as usual, and it needs to stop. But I'm too lazy to do so...

[Weasel Overlord]

I know what you mean about working, Gav. Even though I only work til the early afternoon, it's harder to find time for writing as well as everything else I wanna do when I get home. But on the plus side, it makes me cherish the time I do get to write even more, so I suppose it has a good side too.

I feel like I've got myself into a good place with my writing now. I'm really trying hard to write every day, even a little bit, and I've found that it helps so much! But the problem is when my bf comes to stay, I tend to neglect it, and then it's trickier to get back into the swing of things again. I also feel like I should be writing something more... worthwhile than fanfiction. Even though there's nothing wrong with fanfiction, it somehow still feels like it's not as worthwhile as original stuff. But I'll carry on writing it anyway, because it makes me happy~

[DarkestLight]

I feel that over time, I can't do what I want to do because I'm getting past the age criterion. I do have a good job, but I hate it. I don't feel like I do anything I want to do, and instead do things I need to do that I don't feel are fun. School? Pfft I never wan to go back, but I "need" to =/ Rent? Pfft wish it never existed but I "need" to pay it. Same with loans. Its the real life "debt" that ruins life itself.

Hence why I haven't really written anything past that second chapter. I have a bunch of it outlined and I'm trying to work on character relations, but I'm so filled with scheduling conflicts adn alcohol that it makes it quite the downward dog spiral. That and injuries. *sigh* Should've written today but I was job hunting all day.

[Houndoom_Lover]

Well, I still feel frantic, but every day, little by little, I'm getting work done. When ever anything stressful comes up, I just shut off, like a turtle going into its shell. I don't come back out until the dangers completely gone, unfortunetly, that doesn't work in life.

I'm applicating to the bright shiny new Family Video and helping the family with the Farmer's market. We're like little bakers, we are!

There's just so much to do, gosh.

[PancaKe]

SCREW YOU PRAC TEACHING AND MASTERS DEGREE. You leave me so tired.

this is like why I have a twitter. I don't like to cloud up facebook with things so everything goes on twitter

[Gavin Luper]

So, I feel annoyed that real life stuff has kept me pretty inactive on TPM over the last few months, which sucks and which I want to turn around, because I miss the energy of this place.

So, where is everyone else, hmmmmmm? Where have we all been hiding?

[Chris 2.1]

I feel....exhausted. I'm living in London now, and it's just a headf&ck. I like it, but my course is intense, freelancing is still going OK I guess, but it feels like it's so hard to advance through the ranks.

I feel like the social life I once enjoyed has dwindled....and I feel somewhat alone. Sometimes. My fella is in Greece as well, and I can't really speak to him.

And I have so much work due tomorrow x_X

[DivineAll]

I feel like I want to express my ideas and thoughts but I don't want to because I'm my own worst critic and don't want to put them out in printed prose. However, I did make some progress yesterday with an idea I've had in mind for quite some time. In addition, unlike most of my other writings, I've actually prepared some characters and ideas for this fic in advance. Not everything, mind you, just a good chunk to get out there. I think my spark in writing is starting to slowly, but surely grow again within me.

[Gavin Luper]

I can definitely relate to the sense of a social life disappearing, Chris ... it sucks ... and DivineAll, I know how you feel! Lately I feel like a ball of angry, kinetic, creative energy with a million different things to say to the world through my art, and yet I can't find the time or the patience to stop everything else in my life and just settle down and work out exactly what it is that I want (and need) to say, and actually write it.

[Shadow Wolf]

Oh God, I didn't notice this thread until now... why?

Well, I feel stressful for many things. First because it seems that University is taking its toll on me. I have no life, I have a lot of work (two investigation projects, one monograph, one essay, two oral reports with one being a group report), I have to face everyday the fact that my daily 5 bucks have to be spent on gasoline for my car to get to the university and being unable to eat lunch... I just wish to withdraw from Psychology and take a short career on anything (instrumentation of chef), but I'm almost there.

Second, because my laptop is broen and I can't do my projects, login to TPM and do any internet stuff.

and Third, a one-sided: I feel like a piece of paper on this one (where I'm used to draw scribbles and, whenever the scribble becomes a mistake, I get ripped from place, rolled up in a ball and dropped to the trash can. In a few words: I'm useful when I'm needed.)

I try to feel less stressful by doing other things (helping a few friends, giving advice, reading and doing poetry every now and then), but as I read in a game:

"So much to do, so little time"

That's life (and my ranting too)!

[Gavin Luper]

I feel frustrated by my inability to churn out a massive confessional novel about everything I'm feeling. I wish I could put all the shit of my adolescence and young adulthood into words and get it all outside of me and I wish I could just do it NOW. Argh!

[Mew Master]

I feel, emotionally dead and shell shocked. This last week my girlfriend of nearly 10 years and I broke up. It was almost a mutual thing, and we'd been talking about it for a couple of years. She didn't want the things in life that I wanted, and she felt it was going to ruin me for other women who I could be with. She wanted me to be happy, to be able to do the things I wanted. Have a family, get married, be a father I never got to have. She didn't want any of that. She didn't want to move in with me at all, and lived a state away.

Just because we talked about it for a few years, but never did anything, but gave us time to get ready for it, doesn't mean it doesn't affect you any less.

[Gavin Luper]

I feel, emotionally dead and shell shocked. This last week my girlfriend of nearly 10 years and I broke up. It was almost a mutual thing, and we'd been talking about it for a couple of years. She didn't want the things in life that I wanted, and she felt it was going to ruin me for other women who I could be with. She wanted me to be happy, to be able to do the things I wanted. Have a family, get married, be a father I never got to have. She didn't want any of that. She didn't want to move in with me at all, and lived a state away.

Just because we talked about it for a few years, but never did anything, but gave us time to get ready for it, doesn't mean it doesn't affect you any less.

This absolutely sucks, dude - commiserations. It must hurt a lot, and probably will for some time. That said, from what you're saying it sounds like in the long run it might be the best decision for the pair of you, if it means that you will eventually get to do and have the things that will make you happy.

I know I can't say anything helpful or insightful, but whatever, just commiserations and hope that things look up for you soon, mate.

[mattbcl]

I feel like my life is going nowhere fast. Six years ago I started working what I thought would be just a summer job - I figured I'd be going back to college come the fall. But college decided to invite me not to return, and my boss simultaneously decided he'd like to keep me on after summer, if I was willing to stay. Having nothing else but the disappointment of failure in the halls of education, naturally I accepted... I've stayed employed at this place ever since, even through its sale to someone else and seeing every single one of my old co-workers leave or be fired. I haven't written a résume in years, much less filled out an application, and there are many arguments for either side... but the truth is that my job is now a dead end. There's no more opportunity left for me here. I fool myself into thinking that I'm valuable here but for the past three weeks my paycheck has reflected only minimum wage and every time my 13-year-old car has a hiccup, I find myself drowning in red ink at my bank. I know I'm smarter than this, better than this. I deserve more. I'm capable of more. I'm more valuable than this and surely there must be someone out there who agrees with me to such extent that they would hire me for far more than I'm making now.

I'm just not motivated to break free.

[Gavin Luper]

Matt, that sucks mate. I can kind of relate - after doing an Arts degree I found myself last year working full-time in a bank job, which was a decent job and all but definitely not soul-nourishing or related to my interests. I absolutely hated the staleness of being stuck in work simply because I needed money. So what you're saying rings a bell for me, I remember feeling like I was just in a holding pattern, going nowhere fast.

It's still easy to feel like that even now, but I've gone back to do my Honours course now and I'm trying to work towards the life and career that I want to have. It's still easy to feel like I'm wasting my time and achieving nothing, but the more I work at my goals the more they will become a reality. It's one of those grit-your-teeth and go for it kind of things, for me, at least.

I have no idea what the US job market is like right now, although I imagine it's pretty tough. However, if this job is affecting you like this, make plans to change it. Start looking for a new job or re-apply for study - or whatever you want to do. The thing I always tell myself with jobs is that I'll lose nothing for applying. So you can always throw around some applications and if you get nothing, well, you're no worse off than you already were, but if you get an interview or a job out of it, that's awesome.

Good luck to you man!

As for me, I feel a bit relaxed today. Handed in my final assessment for this semester yesterday, so I'm gonna enjoy the post-assessment high for as long as it lasts!

[Mew Master]

I feel....

Alone, with an accompanying feeling of accomplishment. My social status hasn't changed since March. Alone and gawd-aweful fuggly, my chances of getting a GF are rather... low at the moment. And damnit I'm tired of being alone.

The sense of accomplishment I'm feeling is that I'm done. I'm finally done with my Master's Thesis and officially have my Masters Degree in Geosciences. For those readers of you interested, the title is An Allosaurus from the Morrison Formation (Late Jurassic) of Converse County, Wyoming and you might be able to find it if you search Fort Hays State University's Library.

I also feel... stressed. Mainly because there was a job opening at the Sternberg I feel I would be great for: Educational Director. The good news: Out of the 25-some applicants I made the top FIVE. The bad news, I didn't make the top THREE that are going to be interviewed over the next month. On the upside, The first candidate wasn't very impressive, even though they had some good qualifications. I suppose I'll just sit, wait, think up some answers for the interview, and see what happens come July 10 or so...

Also, shameless plug to Gavin. You still owe me a read-through of Werewolf XP

[Shadow Wolf]

Gavin: You know, sometimes I too wish to unload all of my feelings in a letter or something, but in the end, I believe that no one will read them, so I thought of doing those note-in-a-bottle messages and throw it to the sea to see if it ends somewhere. (and again, no one will read my note, but find me out and penalize me for loitering). In the end... it's best to write a poem and post it here.

Mew Master: You know, I chuckled when I read the words "shell-shocked", mainly because I recently played a game of TMNT... but then I regretted doing so, because I know that, even though I've never been through one, a break-up is painful. And let's face it: even though many people might say that it's sometimes best to enjoy singleness and the free time, there are just some people that are not suitable for being alone (and I can say that it's my case too, even though I've never had a girlfriend). I don't have the right words to make you feel better, but you know that TPM is a family, so don't be afraid to keep sharing your feelings (better outside than inside... wait, that doesn't sound right).

Matt: I know it's somehow stupid to put blame in others, but I feel and think that society is at fault on this one. They focus so much on making one believe that without money, we are nobodies (and act on behalf of it), that they forget to show us that important things in life (the little things: love, friendship and feeling good despite the situations... there are many more, but that's just a few important ones). We can do better, but we have no one to motivate us and push us forward.

As for me, I'm somehow in a mixed feelings soup. A "friend" of mine leaves today to the US, and she didn't even call to say goodbye (in fact, I heard that she leaves today in an eavesdropped conversation with another friend of mine. She never told me directly). I wanted to spend sometime with her last week, but when she communicated, she said that she already saw the movie that she was going to invite me to see and that she didn't had the chance to call me (which frustrates me, because she mailed me all the weekend. How in blazes could she not had a chance to tell me?). But what frustrated me the most was when she said: "I have little time left and everyone wants to hang out."

I'm just distracting myself by listening to some songs (Apocalyptica - I don't care... BoysLikeGirls - Love Drunk... Secondhand Serenade - Goodbye)

...and having the following thought on my mind: Never consider someone a priority if that someone considers you an option. So yeah... there goes my rambling.

[Shadow Wolf]

Okay guys... sorry for double post, but I need somewhere to drop out what I have in mind right now.

Honestly, I have a mix of feelings. I'm feelings, angry, sad, desperate, practically with a lot of negative feelings inside. Why? One word: Alcohol.

My parents have a "tradition" of drinking every weekend. They bring a box of 48 beers and drink it with their neighbors. But the problem is that when they drink, they have 2/3 chances of getting into arguing over the most trivial things (tonight, it was because of a stupid misunderstanding regarding Mom leaving house and Dad apparently not caring about it.). And when they do, it usually ends up in my dad going to sleep and my mom taking a car from home and disappearing for two hours (I've seen this for almost 5 years).

I'm tired of saying that it's the alcohol's fault (I even took them both, put them in a car and me and my brother began reasoning with them over one of those misunderstandings), and I'm also tired of seeing this story repeating itself again. My brothers feel the same way (I know because I see their expressions in their faces every time they see what we see every day).

However, I'm worried because in one of those fights, my mom tried to kill herself. I usually do not try to interfere (because I know that it only make matters worse), but I'm honestly getting tired of seeing this. Right now, I feel like I want to do one of two things: Buy a box of beers and throw them while screaming angrily that its the cause of all the problems at home, or make a plan to get my parents on tape over one of those argues and show it to them while scolding them for their ridiculous behavior every time they drink.

Sometimes I just wish alcohol never existed, but I know that alcohol might have its advantages (in medicine and stuff). But sometimes I feel its tough to hold this anger because I see my home falling apart every weekend over alcohol and stupid argues. I'm sorry for all of you guys who like to drink. I do not mean to disrespect any of you.

Now you know why I made a vow to myself to never drink.
If anything is offensive, I apologize. I'm willing to take any kind of punishment. I... I just feel like I need to drop this anger somewhere before I burst to tears (which is what I'm almost about to do)

[mattbcl]

I very much doubt you're going to sustain any sort of "punishment" from this group. I also don't consume alcohol but I have absolutely no problem with those who do, and rather than razz me about it, my friends find that convenient since it means they always have a DD on hand. Also someone who can wrangle them.

In fact, one of the aforementioned friends has parents who had a similar problem several years ago. One day he took all the booze he could find in the house and smashed it on the street outside in a fit of rage. I don't recommend that; it didn't make the problem go away for him, and while it made him momentarily feel better, he realized later it was an incredible waste.

I don't know if you're looking for advice on a fix for the problem or not. I can tell you how it would be handled in the household of my parents, though. When I exhibited a behavior my parents found most displeasing, the most effective method my dad could find of telling me was to write it down. Throughout my teenage years you wouldn't believe the amount of paper and ink that went flying back and forth between the two of us. It even evolved at one point to include e-mail because the act of typing and transmitting was far more rapid than a handwritten note... though handwriting does have its perks, in that you can consider what it is you want to say and put it clearly and concisely, instead of the verbal vomit (as I seem to be applying here, my apologies!). We'd end up writing novels to each other about what got screwed up and how it could be made better... possibly because neither of us wanted to look the other in the eye, or we were afraid that our complete arguments would never be heard.

So although it wasn't solicited, I'd offer you this bit of advice - take those feelings that inspired you to write what you wrote here, and pour them out onto a notepad or a document screen for about an hour. Let it all come out in all its emotion and viscera. Even if you never show it to your parents, you'll at least have all that anger and frustration and despair out of your system. You shouldn't have to bottle it all up inside. If you keep trying, eventually it'll tear you apart with a smile and without a second thought.

Seems to me you have yourself a family here. There's always someone willing to listen. Grab yourself an ear or three whenever you need 'em.

[Gavin Luper]

Denny - Man, I can't believe how long ago I skimmed that and then never got back to it. I remember thinking your writing style is really strong. Give me another prod around December and I'll try to give it a read ... I don't envisage having any substantial time before then (reasons below). Although maybe I will. I mean, how ridiculous does it sound to say I don't have time to read a fanfic for another six months. Madness. I'll do my best.

Shadow Wolf - Wow, that's really heavy and I feel sorry for you that you have to live in that environment. I understand why you'd feel so horribly about it all and that you need to vent it. You can feel free to talk about it as much as you need here - that's the whole point of this thread, so I'm glad you came here to talk about it. As for what to do, I don't have the answers, obviously, but have you spoken to your parents about the possibility that they have a problem with alcohol? Have you told them how it affects you? And do you feel safe even doing that? How old are you btw?

I reckon if it gets really bad, you should seek help, either for yourself or for your parents.

Matt's advice about cathartic writing is also solid, I think.

Wishing you my best and I hope you feel better about letting it out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

At the moment, I feel a whole mix of things that I can't really pin down to a single emotion or thought. As I've written about before on here, I used to be a very big drinker to the point where my alcohol consumption was affecting my health and my personal relationships. I consequently gave up all alcohol for a year and felt great about it. However, after the year lapsed, I went back to drinking, in moderation initially, and then, this last weekend for my birthday, I got absolutely hammered and not really in a good way. I acted like an idiot in front of people I work with, I got refused entry to a club for being too drunk and loud, and then topped it off by spewing my ring up and passing out in a grimy toilet cubicle for over two hours.

I feel a bit ashamed of myself, mostly because I feel like after a whole sober year, I achieved absolutely nothing, and continue to put myself in stupid and dangerous situations with no regard for my own health. Bleh.

[Shadow Wolf]

Matt: As I said, I just feel like I needed to write it down before I could just explode of anger and do something I regret later. But of course, thanks for everything (comment, advice, opinion, and of course, for reading this).

I'll think about writing a letter to my dad or something. Once again, thanks!

Alert-Really sad story ahead!!!!!!!!

______________________________________________

To be honest, I've never had the chance to speak with my parents face-to-face. My dad waits until he's drunk to tell me all my failures and my mom cries at night thinking why I'm like this (thinking that I'm a failure because I haven't took the same path as my big brother: Joining the National Guard to get an $8,000 bonus. I hate everything related to war. I know this because she told me once).

It's somehow understandable, since we are going through a tough economic situation here (in our country, if USA is going through an economical flu, we get and economical pneumonia). My dad is only working 20 hours a week and we are 5 in our house, so we have to handle $150 dollars very carefully. But that's no excuse for them to try and reflect their dreams in me. I want to become a computer technician, have a steady job and get married. After that, my only dream was to pay my dad's debts and help them with some "dreams" they have.

However, I'm the "black sheep" of my home: My ideals are radically different from those of my family, and my dreams are, to put it simply, considered "secondary" dreams. With all of this, I've developed a really low self-esteem, I have almost no communication with my parents and I live a fairly lonely life. I really don't think too fondly of myself, and, even though I'm aware of my talents, I haven't been interested in developing them because I noticed that most of the people who approach me only want me for their benefits (homeworks, chores, translation).

I noticed that I felt better every time I helped people in need (just to see their smile on their faces was enough for me to feel good, since I realized that there was still joy and happiness in my life), but that was only temporary. In my own selfishness, I was craving for more: I wanted to smile more often, I wanted to feel useful. I wanted to be loved.

And that's how I noticed why I "fell" in love so quickly: Every time I found someone who finally "listened" to me and somehow understood me, I felt a little love and I wanted more. I began caring for that person as if that person was the only one in the world while they just saw me as a buddy. 5 times have happened and 5 times reality has shown me the obvious: Those who beg for love are the most pitiful kind of beggars.

In conclusion, I dislike being lonely and really different, but I've gotten used to it. I became afraid of approaching people (especially females) due to my fear of caring too much for them, and I'm still searching for an answer to what do I truly want. However, I also dislike telling this story because I don't want people to have pity for me nor feel bad about my life (yeah, a glimpse of pride there). I just want to write it down and don't hold it inside of me.

__________________________________

End of sad story!!!!!!



Gavin: You've done a lot for me. You've helped me with my doubts, encourage me to keep on my poetry (even though is not a masterpiece) and read my posts here and there. So yeah, I'm really grateful for that.

Don't worry if you don't have an advice. The fact that you read this and replied is more than enough to let me know that you are a great friend. As for the questions:

-Both my brother and I talked with them about their problem with it (Of course, since they only drink in weekends, they do not consider it a "really bad problem"). There have been some issues regarding alcohol, but they do not consider it a big deal (health problems...). But they convinced themselves that a party is tasteless without beer. The other problem is that, sometimes, they do not communicate with each other when one of them says an offensive comment, and when they're drunk, they just throw it out. They "know" they have a problem with it, but since they've been married for 23 years, they've just got used to it.

-To be honest, I've never told them directly, Mainly because I don't like hurting people (they way I say things is pretty blunt and honest, or at least, that's how they perceive me). But in some conversations (including the one mentioned above, where me and my brother talked to them) I expressed my opinion regarding the issue and the way I feel when I see them behaving like that. I've wanted to speak directly to them, but most of the time, whenever I talk about things like that, it's me against my whole family (usually, my younger brothers and my mom sit beside my dad, which gives him an edge when talking topics with me, though we've never talked about alcohol)

-You should know the answer to this by now. I'm somewhat afraid of talking to my parents about this. Another thing is that, whenever I ask them about how they manage the budget, they reply to me with the "I'm the one who earned the money, I'm the one who manages the money" excuse. I can't really counter that because they criticize me every time I buy videogames (though considering my budget earned in a year, only a 15% of it goes to videogames, since the other 85% goes into helping with the debts in my house, buying gifts for my family and helping out with daily expenses, like food and gas). Plus I always have food on my plate and they "gave me my life" (those are their arguments). Having all of this, I've considered leaving my house, but I don't have a steady income. I'm waiting to finish my technical certificate in computer tech. to earn some money and go to the US to live by myself.

-22 springs in my small body.

--------------------

Last but not least: Don't give up Gavin! You've battled a whole year with it and you've just tripped a few times.

It's just like a runner. They have many races, they do not win em all, and they trip on some of them. But they do not quit as runners, they just keep running in other tournaments. I can't say I understand your situation, but I encourage you to keep going. This is a race: you tripped? what are you going to do? Are you going to leave the race? Or are you going to get up and keep running? (Yeah, I know this sounds too ideal or too easy to say, but nevertheless, don't give up.)

[Gavin Luper]

Shadow Wolf - Egad, sad story indeed. Well, I can only sympathise and say that I'm glad you feel free enough to talk about this in this thread, once again. It's sometimes useful just to get it out, to know that other people have heard what's in your head and heart, and then maybe you can begin to move past it all, even slowly. I guess the only real advice I can offer is that you alone have the power to change yourself and your life. Will power can achieve amazing things - you can change your outlook, your personality, whatever you wish, if it is troubling you. I've seen it happen before, I've done it myself, so I have every confidence that you, too, can break through. And hell, if things get really bad, there's no shame in talking it all out with a psychologist, seriously.

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I caught a pretty bad cold, probably due to my wild night out in the cold and rain, so I've spent the last week recovering from that. I didn't drink at all this past weekend and I'm trying to re-evaluate my priorities ie. health, but for some reason the allure of writing myself off continues to rear it's ugly, juvenile head. To be continued ...

In other news, I've kind of found myself in a relieving position as a bank manager for potentially the next month. It's not official or permanent but I've basically found myself running the bank branch I used to work at. It's a surprising challenge. Part of me feels like a corporate sell out (but hey, it's only during uni break) - the other part of me is kind of excited to experience a new level of pressure. First day was today - it was insanely heavy. More to follow.

Based on today, I'm starting to wonder if I'm one of those people who thrives on stressful situations. Can anyone relate?

[Shadow Wolf]

OK, sorry for bringing it, but I could've sworn that this thread was stickied or it was active.

Gavin: Well, I'm not sure, to be honest. I do remember making a presentation that was supposed to take one month in a matter of hours (it was that hard, and I was forced to give orders to my classmates), but it put so much pressure in me that I ended up crying in front of all my classmates in the day of the oral report. So working under pressure is a double-edged sword for me.

*sighs* OK, here's another depressing chapter of my story (don't worry, no one has to read it, I just felt like I need to write to replace the lack of someone to hear me out):

Today, my big brother came again and, just like every time he comes, he lectures me and tries to convince me to join the National Guard. He always says that $1300 monthly helps everyone, plus bonuses and so on. My whole family goes on his side and give subtle but offensive opinions (e.g. my dad said today: The stupidest decision of my life was to reject joining the National Guard... yep, a subtle way to say that I'm an idiot).

My thoughts: I know all of the benefits and so on... but I don't plan to sell my values for money. I know that armies are related to war, and it's also related to violence and pain. I've seen the traumas of veteran soldiers, the bloodshed left on battlefields, and more of that.... but I prefer not to keep talking, as I don't want to cause any commotion.

The point is that i don't want to join it, and I don't plan to join it anytime soon. I just feel like I'll be relinquishing my happiness for money (I don't want to have anything to do with wars and anything related to it) I don't know if anyone else shares my point of view, but at least I hope that I'm understood when I speak about this.

I know, I seem like a little kid whining about things that probably no one cares. I just think that it is best to write it somewhere, since I feel like my parents don't care about my opinion; so practically I have no one to listen to me anyways (if you saw my earlier post, you will know why)

Well, sorry for all the rambling and all the whining... I wish I did not have to share this, but if I don't write it down somewhere, I'll probably have it hurting my head.

[Samchu]

Shadow Wolf: I'm sorry to hear about how badly your family seems to be pressuring you on this. No one should try to make you do something that is against your values and that this appears to be a common occurance in your life is awful. The only advice I can give is to stay true to your beliefs. It's crappy advice but other than drastically taking action such as moving out I'm not sure there's anything else you can do. I'm assuming you've tried speaking to them. Feel free to rant here. We all have people or know people who do this / experience this. You're not alone, shitty as it must be to suffer through that kind of pressure.


In terms of thread contribution, I feel fairly confident, which is something I'm not used to feeling following my wednesday night class. To put things in context, my only compulsory module for this year is a class called theory and methods. The only people in the class are 4 classicists and 2 historians. The purpose of the class is to introduce historians to different theoretical and methodological approaches that they could apply to various sources. Being a classicist, I'm already familiar with various theories/methods and how to apply them but I was still looking forward to being introduced to different theories and methods that I hadn't had the chance to cover (archaeological theories for example). It was my, and everyone else's assumption, that each week we would be introduced to a new theory/method, discuss its pros and cons and how we could apply it to our particular periods of interest. Today, week 5 of the 24 week course, we actually got this. Unfortunately, it came after a 4-week build-up of unrest and ultimately ended in a rebellion against the module's delivery and the first assignment (that is a whole different complaint). But, in the wake of that rebellion, I feel great. Because we were finally able to give input and be heard by someone who is in a position to make a change. Maybe, just maybe, the next 19 weeks will actually involve me learning something.

[mattbcl]

I feel consistently out of place. No matter where I go, I have this feeling like I don't belong there. The only possible refuge for this seems to be the Internet, but I can't spend all my time on the computer. Everyone around me would call that a waste and they'd be right.

I sometimes feel taken for granted. One of the reasons I get uncomfortable going to my family's church is several of the members there will flag me down only to ask me about what sort of carpet-cleaning deals I can give them. I feel like this isn't at all fair - I don't walk up to any of them and start talking business while they're not at work. I thought I was extending a common courtesy... is this not the case? I get so few days off as it is, I really don't want to spend more time than I really have to on one of those days talking about what I do for a living and what I can do for them in that department.

I feel overwhelmed by the month of November. I hate it, because it's the busiest time of year for my workplace, and because I work dynamic hours, I have no clue when I'm going to get home on a given day. This makes things next to impossible to plan out. Now let's pile on NaNoWriMo, a contest I couldn't dream of skipping... let's also add my dad asking me to join a praise band for a special church service (said service taking place tomorrow) that requires me to spend every evening until that date pounding my drums like a madman... and then, of course, there's my girlfriend. Eventually, something here is going to start getting unfairly neglected, or I'm going to go bonkers. Maybe I'm already there.

[Shadow Wolf]

Sam: Man, I owe you a big apology, since I did not notice your post until today (for some reason, the pokeball system is not working right with me. Sometimes, I refresh the page and the pokeball glow again even though I already read the new posts, while on other occasions, they are in gray when new posts have been made) In any case, thanks for the advice! It is not crappy and if you want to know, things like this are usually what i like to hear, because they let me know that I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one feeling out of place somewhere. And speaking of which...

Matt: Yep, you've just heard it. I know what is like to be "out-of-place". The most common example in my life I can give you is: my family and me. I've gotten to the point of denominating myself the "ugly duckling" of my house. Just to mention a few reasons, I can point out that everyone in my family enjoys drinking beer and I don't, everyone thinks money is the most important thing in life (hence their pressure on me to join the National Guard) while I consider that values, friends and love are the most important ones, and well, many other reasons which make me think radically different from my family.

I could also point out how I hang with people who consider me "friends" but are just classmates/neighbors with more... "trendy" tastes, to put it that way, but that would be rambling too much. What I truly wanted to say is that I believe that is an indication that you are a different person, with your unique values and thoughts. This can lead to feel out of place, possibly because the "preferences" of the "majority" do not match your thoughts/values.

Of course, I could be wrong, but if by chance, it happens to be this, then I have to say that I believe in this to be a good sign, because, not only are you realizing what you like and what you do not like, but you also know what makes you feel comfortable and what not. And all of this helps us pick our friends wisely and search for what we enjoy.

As for the pressure by the multiple activities of life, I really can't point out a good advice. I could only say that some things have higher priorities than others, but this could also be received as a negative comment. So I think that you should select between all those activities, which of them give you more happiness.

*sighs* Finally, if I sound weird, even offensive in any of these comments, let me know and I'll apologize. I usually do my best to help, but my poor choice of words may lead to misunderstanding sometimes

[Asilynne]

Feelings....well, I'm feeling a bit cranky. Everytime I eat something it makes me nauseous, and I'm always shivering from some internal coldness unless I'm right next to the heater for an hour, in a hot shower/bath or under a huge pile of blankets. (Like right now, I'm shivering like a chihuahua >.<) I also have this vague sense of dissatisfaction and I can't see any one defining reason for it. Almost like I'm numb. I felt good during the holidays and I have my days of happiness and I feel much better than the depression of the past 2 months, it's usually in these morning hours after work when I'm alone in the house with no one to talk to that I get like this now...

Writing this is therapeutic though, almost feels like I'm talking to someone who cares about how I feel <3

(though I'm also a bit sad to not have any feedback on my story snippit...I'm hoping someone can spare some seconds for a read and a few sentences? I'm also hoping there is someone interested in being a beta reader as I do want to get this published into a book eventually ?? )~~~*she says hopefully*

[Chris 2.1]

I'm feeling festive, still, since I booked ages off work and am back visiting my family. It's an amazing change from work; I've been way too stressed lately.

It also means my writing is getting more time devoted to it; I've written two chapters of Show-Off this month alone. Normally, I'm fussing over them for 3 months each. So I'm trying to write as much as I can while I can.

It's a shame, however, that TPM is so quiet. Poems, discussions, stories... sometimes it feels like everything is gathering a thin layer of dust.