Dragonball UC

[Ultimate Charizard]

Before I start this, a short rant. I need to make a few things clear. I have tried to write before and lost heart in it due to no responses after the second chapter. I am aware my writing style is poor, my grammar sucks and I can clutter things up. I’ve never studied English outside of high school. I write because I love telling the stories that I think up in my head, any constructive assistance is more than welcome and would be greatly appreciated. My Chapters wont be huge, i cant write huge content so i hope theres enough to keep people wanting to read.
Some may recognise similarities in the plot to an RPG I loved, as well as the character though I’m going to try taking it in a new Direction.


Prologue - 15 Years ago

“Almost 500 years have passed since the time of the first Saiyans” said the woman softly. Her young son cuddled up on the sofa beside her, struggling to keep his eyes open in the dimming light given off by the fireplace. She preferred to read to him like this. She thought of the lights and heating systems as being too artificial and lifeless in comparison to the warm flame dancing in front of them.

“Over the centuries the bloodlines of these first few have spread, sometimes naturally…”

She paused to stroke the child’s head, messing his short brown hair slightly, and smiling as he shifted to get more comfortable.

“….other times it was a little more complicated” she finished with a hint of sadness.

“Despite the time though, and how diluted the bloodline must be it is still present today, their natural abilities appear every so often, but few know what it truly is they have. Only a few with the real potential of that extinct race”

She laughed softly to herself thinking about that statement. ‘Extinct’. Thanks to the efforts of certain interested parties it was starting to become more and more difficult to tell where the boundary between human and Saiyan was anymore, or if it even existed. Indeed the child huddled against her, her own son, was living proof that the mixing of the species was anything but simple.

She looked down and noticed he had already fallen asleep. Tears welled up in her eyes as she hugged him again and kissed his head softly. She then stood and walked to the kitchen. As she entered a man looked up from his seat at the kitchen table. He was a big man and his black suit made him look severe but the kindness of his eyes diffused his intimidating stature.

“Is it time?” he asked. She simply nodded slowly, choking back the tears.

“Your doing the right thing” he said as he stood, placing a hand protectively on her shoulder. “When he wakes up he will be safe. You will be safe”

She nodded and sat down at the table, unable to face the suited man “Just go” she sobbed. “Before I change my mind.”

He smiled grimly and entered the living room. Lifting the child, letting his head rest across his shoulder and making sure the blanket he was huddled in was secure he walked out of the front door and into the waiting car.

As the car pulled away the woman sat with her head in her hands crying.
“Goodbye Gavin” she said through her tears.



Chapter 1 - Present Day
--------------------------------

Gavin walked down the street towards home. As he rounded the corner he smiled seeing the old fashioned appearance of Master Koji’s dojo. He knew that inside the place was immaculate, he knew this because he had spent half the day cleaning it by himself, but unfortunately the elements were not kind to the older materials favoured by his teacher and adoptive father. Where the neighbouring buildings used Plascrete and Ceremite old Koji preferred traditional Brick and Steel. Even the windows were made from real glass and the master took great pride in having the only building within 12 blocks that could say that.

As Gavin entered he could hear the familiar sounds he had heard almost every day for as long as he could remember. The sound of exertion, bare feet slapping on hardwood floors and the short sharp barks of Master Koji instructing one of his classes.

It had been a long time since Gavin himself had graduated from those classes. He was a blackbelt in 5 different forms of martial art by the time he was 15, seeming to have a natural gift for it though it was at that stage that Master Koji simply stopped his training. Apparently there was nothing more that Koji could teach him though Gavin could tell the old master was holding something back. Ever since that age though he had been content to assist the Master with the general running of the Dojo.

Peeking round the corner he could see it was one of the junior classes and he recognised a couple of the students. One or two were quite promising. He ducked back quickly hoping not to have to stand in as the training dummy again though he knew that was probably a wasted effort. It was very tough to get anything past Master Koji and more than likely the old man already knew he was home.

“Is that you Gavin?” Came Master Koji’s voice as if to confirm his point.

He sighed and moved around the corner, adopting the look of discipline and professionalism he used around the students. They were all knelt now, facing Master Koji, each disciplined enough not to look over to him. Master Koji regarded him with kind eyes. For such an imposing figure, and his obvious ability despite his age he had an easy way of making people feel welcome, disarming any hostility. He called it his greatest weapon. Much easier to stop a fight before it starts than resorting to violence.

“Is there anything I can do to assist sir?” Gavin asked, adding a bow to emphasise the respect.

The master seemed to hesitate for a moment, as if remembering something before continuing.

“It is nothing” he said with a smile, “There are some thing that need moving in the storeroom, go do that and the rest of the night is yours”

“Are you sure Master?” Gavin asked “I thought tonight we were going to get the equipment ready for tomorrow’s tournament?”

“I can do that myself” Koji said, almost a little too quickly. “Please, just see to the things in the back…..now!”

Gavin shrugged and headed behind the cash counter to the door of the storeroom. The Master usually got jumpy around this time of year. The Boudokai preliminaries for the city were tomorrow and as the local Dojo it was essentially down to them to host it. Many a time gavin had wanted to enter but the Master hadnt allowed it. Said it wasnt in the rules for Dojo staff to compete though Gavin had always had his doubts about such a ruling.

Just as he was about to enter the store-room he heard the bell above the front entrance ring. He sighed and turned. It was always a pet peeve of his to be interrupted. Sent one way while going in another, that kind of thing just got on his nerves for some reason but he managed to turn and head back out to reception.

Two men had entered and for some reason Gavin felt uneasy. He didn’t know why, they weren’t particularly big guys or overly threatening in any way they just looked out of place and their smiled reminded him of predators waiting to bare their teeth. They were both roughly his height though one seemed taller due to the near white Mohawk style haircut he sported. The other was bald and seemed a little broader across the shoulders. He sported some sort of tribal tattoo above his left eye. Both wore Navy blue suits.

“Wow this place is kooky!” exclaimed Mohawk with a grin as he span around, taking the place in with one sweeping gesture.

Tattoo seemed a little more reserved and simply nodded. “Indeed, very Old School, if you will pardon the pun” This seemed to send Mohawk into a giggling fit.

“Can I help you guys?” asked Gavin with a little impatience.

Both men regarded him as if only just noticing for the first time.

“Ah yes” spoke Tattoo, obviously the calmer of the pair, “Mr Blacque and I have heard there is a competition tomorrow, a tournament if you will?” he smiled broadly though there was no warmth in it.

“You mean the Boudokai preliminaries?” Asked Gavin reaching for the register. It was unusual for entries to be so late but surprisingly there were still spaces available.

“That’s them matey!” exclaimed Mohawk, or Mr. Blacque as his friend had referred to him. “We woulda gone straight to the main event but some bloke in a suit said we had to qualify first!!”

“The nerve!” Gavin exclaimed with more than a little sarcasm. It appeared to be wasted on him though tattoo raised his eyebrow and seemed to regard Gavin a little more critically.

“Names?” asked Gavin finding the page on the register.

“This is Mr. Blacque…” said Tattoo and he paused for Gavin to enter it “…and I am Mr. Whyte.”

Gavin stopped and looked up. “Black and White?” he asked bluntly and was answered by Blacque nodding so hard his Mohawk seemed to be threatening to come off.

He sighed, shook his head and entered the names, handing them their registry details.

“Excellent!” Whyte beamed which was accompanied by more nodding and cackled laughter from Blacque.

“Well then….” he continued “…now that’s all done we shall be off, and tomorrow we 'compete' in our 'attempt' to qualify!” He seemed to be over-emphasising, as if sharing some inside joke with Gavin and even topped it off with a wink before spinning on his heel and heading for the door.

“Mr Whyte, why is it that everyone does that when you tell them our names?” asked Mr. Blacque as they left. Gavin didn’t hear the reply.

“Who was that” asked Master Koji as he rounded the corner, seemingly in a hurry.

“Just a couple of fighters registering for the preliminaries.” shrugged Gavin as he headed off to deal with the store room. “Something wrong?”

The Master seemed tense but shook his head and smiled.

“No, its fine, tell you what, you go do as I’ve asked and once the class has left we can order take-out for dinner ok”

Gavin nodded and headed into the back room. He didn’t see the smile fade from the Masters face as he read the names on the signup sheet.

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In Chapter 2, the tournament begins!

[Charles Legend]

Wow that was an interesting start, I can't wait to see what happens next.

~Charles Legend

[Asilynne]

I liked the beginning part with the mother, it was touching and I could see it unfold as I read it. The only thing I could see that bothered me was how quickly it went from Gavins day to day current life at the dojo to the entering of the new characters Blaque and Whyte, Id have liked to read a little more backstory before jumping to a main plot point like that lol other than that its pretty good and dont keep me waiting too long for the next chapter!

[Ultimate Charizard]

Thanks for the Feedback. I ve tried to fix this first chapter and added a few lines here and there (tiny bit more background etc) and checked my punctuation (never my strong point) and ill work to make the following Chapters better.

Chapter 2 is on the way, im just taking my time over it.

[Gavin Luper]

It looks much more appealing and professional already - good job.

Remember the use of punctuation in direct speech, though.

“It is nothing” he said with a smile, “There are some thing that need moving in the storeroom, go do that and the rest of the night is yours”

There's a comma and a full stop missing in this part that are absolutely crucial. It should read:

[quote]“It is nothing,” he said with a smile, “There are some thing that need moving in the storeroom, go do that and the rest of the night is yours.”

I've marked in red the places where these are required. This applies all the time (unless you were trying some kind of experimental, unconventional style): when closing speech marks, there needs to be some form of punctuation mark BEFORE the final speech mark (").

Grammar aside, I've looked over this in a bit more detail, and it's a pretty promising piece. Your description is quite warm and I like the way you infuse the people's personalities into your narrative, such as the woman in the prologue preferring the natural warmth and light of a fire as opposed to electric systems - not only is it a personal detail about this character, it also sets her up as a certain kind of character, maybe a kind and pure one, even if she isn't seen again (though I'd hazard a guess that she might reappear at some point).

Also, the touch with "Black and White" was quite funny. ^_^ Reminds me of Thomson and Thompson, the detectives from Tintin, for some reason.

Good luck with Chapter 2!

[Ultimate Charizard]

Quick note, ive changed the spelling of Mr Blaque’s name. Thought the C looked a little awkward in there so for my own sanity I’m changing it from this chapter onwards.

Chapter 2

A Gentle breeze blew through the modest arena as the crowd began to filter in. Chattering excitedly to each other, excited at this annual chance for their small town to witness martial arts on a level that would qualify for the Boudokai itself.
The north stand was already full. This was where the special guests were located and it towered over the other 3 stands, dominating the arena. Only the bottom tier was the usual row upon row of seats that matched the other 3 stands. Above this tier the stand appeared to resemble some sort of hotel with rows of segregated balconies for private parties to watch in comfort with fine dining and conversation accompanying the matches.
Above all this was a row of windows, all blacked out. The very top tier. This was where the Boudokai officials sat. Monitoring the fights from up high for anything unsporting and dealing with any questionable calls the referee felt unsure on.

Behind the most central of these windows, in a spacious and lavishly furnished room sat a man in a sharp black suit. He placed down the flute of champagne he had been sipping as he turned to look at the two other men in the room.

“Is all ready?” he asked, his voice cold and full of authority.

“Yes sir.” spoke the shorter of the two men. He wasn’t actually shorter though the tall white Mohawk sported by the second man made him appear so. “Your agent is in place.”

“Don’t disappoint me Whyte.” spoke the man again. “You and your partner know your role in this.” The threat in his voice crystal clear. The two men didn’t speak again. Simply nodded and turned to leave the room as the man turned back to watch the crews organising the fighters and assigning them opponents. His eyes followed one person in particular.



Gavin shielded his eyes as the sun reflected from those blackened windows high above. He knew they would soon deploy the awnings above those windows so as to prevent the glare blinding any of the fighters but for the moment they were a real pain in the ass. As if on cue he felt a hard boot plant itself firmly on his backside, knocking him to the floor.

“When I agreed to help I didn’t realise id be doing the work while you admired the view.” came an annoyed yet soft voice.

“Sorry Rose.” Gavin apologised as he got back to his feet “I didn’t realise you needed help.” he grinned. Knowing just how to push her buttons. The scowl he was fixed with knew he had done it again.

“I don’t need your help” she huffed crossing her arms, “but your making the arena look messy standing here.”

Gavin couldn’t help but smile. He and Rose had been friends for a long time. They had met when she had enrolled at the Dojo and was one of the few pupils the Master had said was able to match his progress. Indeed on more than one occasion they had achieved new levels and rankings together. These days though she seemed more interested in the family business and although Gavin knew that even if she had stopped actively training, she would still be a formidable fighter. He didn’t know how he knew. He just seemed to have a feeling around her.
He had lost count of the number of times they had ‘argued’ like this. At this point they knew each other almost better than they knew themselves and knew the limits they could push. From time to time passers by had been shocked and concerned with some of their more heated exchanges and then simply confused when they broke down together in laughter.

“What else needs doing?” he asked as she smiled and finally uncrossed her arms, smoothing down the front of her grey ’official Boudokai t-shirt’ that matched the one Gavin was wearing and brushing a strand of her long red hair from her eyes.

“To be honest not much.” She said. “I just felt like kicking you in the rear.”

Gavin would have replied but at that moment he saw two familiar figures walk through the entrance.

“Blaque and Whyte.” he said recognising them from yesterday. They were still dressed in suits, not even wearing any form of fighting attire. Something about them still gave him a weird feeling.

“What did you say?” asked Rose looking around.

“Those two guys there, they signed up yesterday.” Gavin pointed them out. “They’re called Blaque and Whyte”

“Its about time those two showed up!” Rose sighed. “Registering those two as present is the last thing on my list. Ill get this sorted and catch you later ok?” She smiled and turned racing off yelling after the two new fighters.

He waved after her, he knew she hadn’t seen but made the gesture anyway and looked at the stone floored arena where the fights would soon be taking place. Wishing that he himself could enter he was starting to feel a little frustrated. It felt unfair that Master Koji would take so much effort into nurturing his natural affinity for the martial arts and then not let him compete.

He looked up hearing the whirring of motors and saw the Awnings beginning to slide into place on the north stand.



The tournament began in impressive fashion. The first match was between two fighters that were well matched and each experts at an ancient form of fighting. It seemed to mix Judo with Kung Fu and Tai Kwon Do. Both were fast and their exchanges were dizzying to watch. Fists and feet slapping against stone and skin as blow after blow was blocked and counter blocked. Their form was excellent and if it hadn’t been for the fact that one was wearing a Red Gi and had long Blonde hair, while the other wore White and had short brown hair tied back with a Red bandanna, it would have been difficult to pick them apart.
Eventually conditioning took its toll. The man in Red faltered for a split second. Gavin had seen the opening and seemingly so had the fighter’s opponent. One swift uppercut to the jaw had ended the fight but it was good to see both men standing shaking hands in the centre of the ring before making room for the next fight.

“From South City!” Called the announcer “Bruno!”

The crowd cheered as a short but stocky man wearing high boots and baggy black shorts stepped to the platform and waved. His pacing and stance was suggestive of a Boxer though he wore no gloves. It wasn’t unheard of in this tournament, after all it was open to all forms of fighter.

“And from the Wasteland Swamps, a late entry!”

Gavin looked over where the announcer was pointing. A large hulking figure draped in a cloak was stepping awkwardly to the arena.

“Grof!” he finished and the figure dropped its cloak. It seemed reptilian and its skin shimmered with a slick sheen. It was big, squatting slightly on powerful looking legs which supported a large body and powerful, ape-like arms. Its head reminded Gavin of a horned dragon. A wide mouth with hard bone like crests running along the tops of cold, inhuman eyes.

The boxer in the ring stopped his warm up routine to stare at his opponent. It wasn’t unheard of for other species to enter the tournament but I couldn’t remember seeing anything like this Grof before.
“Did you sign him up?” asked a voice from behind and Gavin span to find Master Koji standing behind him.

“No, Ive never seen anything like him. The announcer said he was a late entry.”

“Ill bet.” said Koji quietly, glancing nervously up at the blackened windows in the north stand.

Both fighters had now taken up their positions on the ring and the referee waved for the fight to begin. To his credit Bruno launched straight into the fight landing a number of powerful punches. At least, the looked powerful. Grof didn’t really seem to be noticing, simply watching the smaller human as if he were amused.
His head cocked to one side as Bruno tucked up and hammered at Grof’s body with repeated body shots before coming up for a huge uppercut. At first it seemed that the sheer force of the blow had somehow launched Grof high into the air and the crowd gasped at the strength Bruno must have but it soon became obvious that it had nothing to do with the hit as Grof span in the air and landed at the other side of the arena. He had simply jumped all the way to the other end of the ring.

Bruno looked tired. He was sweating already after pounding ineffectually at Grof’s body and he stood up, out of his stance and lowering his guard, breathing deeply.

“This isn’t one I can win is it?” he laughed, seemingly accepting that he was outclassed.

As he began to turn to the referee something long and pink lashed out, wrapping itself around his body, pinning his arms to his sides. It took a moment to realise that it was Grof’s tongue. It was stretched across the entire arena and held Bruno tight.

“No give up!” said Grof, his voice more like the croak of some colossal toad. “I win now!”

And with that his tongue pulled back. Bruno was pulled across the ring through the air towards Grof’s open maw. It took only a split second for this to happen, no time for Bruno to even say anything. It wasn’t until his upper body disappeared into Grof’s mouth that he had chance to scream. The scream got louder as Grof bit down with his toothless jaw. Only Bruno’s legs could be seen now, kicking and struggling but with a casual flick Grof tilted back his head and Bruno vanished from sight. Finishing with a contented ‘Ribbit’

No one in the arena could speak. The entire place was silent.

“He ate him!” cried Rose breaking the silence as the green light on the gantry above the blacked out windows lit to indicate Grof’s win.

“He ate him and they’re allowing it!”

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I was gonna make this one huge chapter and continue this though i feel this is a decent place to break off for now

[PancaKe]

Hey man, just finished reading it!

I like your writing style. It keeps me interested which is awesome! Good stuff! =) I'm enjoying finding out about Gavin and Rosa and what's going to happen. I'm also really intrigued about Blaque and Whyte, trying to picture them. I like mohawks and tattoos. If he's wearing a suit, how can you see the tattoo though?

Haha. Sorry I'm not a very analytical reader, I just like to comment on things I liked (your writing style). I noticed a few punctuation problems, just things like "When someone talks," make sure you put a comma before the close quotation marks.

But just ask anyone, I'm also really bad at grammar and spelling. For years, Mr Pikachu and friends were yelling at me for misspelling lose in all my stories as loose.