*rolls eyes*
Right, let's get something clear. It's late, I'm tired, and I can't sleep. Expect no mercy.
I layed there on the bench of Cube Park, listening to St. Anger on my hand-me down walkman.
Such a rushed start. Who are you? What are you like? What do you like? What's your hurry, man?
Nearly everything I own was handed down to me by my ******* brother Vince, a once popular Pokemon Trainer who has become Pokemon Master in Kanto and Johto but now he lives in a hole in the ground when we was drunk at a saucey puppet show. "The idiot had it coming to him." I said outloud quietly as I got up. I then looked up at Pidgeys gliding through the skies with ease. Now I knew one thing to never do as a trainer. Never go to a saucey puppet show drunk unless I wanna live with Vinny in a hole near PikaBurger.
Sorry, but I interpreted that as nothing but mindlesss drole after "saucy puppet show." Again, so much of a rush. Where's the focus? The development? After the shallow descriotion of your character, why should anyone give a **** wether he lives in a hole with Vinny?
I took the long way home as I continued to listen to St. Anger. Oh yeah, I'm Shane Benoit, a 14-year-old, soon-to-be fourth generation Pokemon Trainer. There are 9 badges in the West Coast League. The badges are Cruiser, U.S., Intercontinental, Hardcore, Amber, Dragon Edge, Static, Kinetic and Undisputed. I know it'll be hard just to get the first one but I'll be ready and so will my Poke`mon.
What? That's it? Nine badges, my name's so and so, that's all. No drama? Nothing but rambling drivel unless it has something behind it.
I just smiled as I opened the door to my quaint little home in the countryside of the 619 Islands, home to the West Coast League. "Mom, I'm home!" I yelled out, placing my walkman on a nearby table and tossing myself onto my beanbag chair infront of the TV. I didn't get a answer despite my call echoing throughout the house. All of a sudden, a Holo-disk flew to me and projected Mom. The message said:
Hey Shane! I'm out shopping to get your gear for tommorow. I left a special surprise for you next to your beanbag chair so check it out. With Love, Mom
I shrugged as I looked to my right to see a small box with my name on it. I opened it to see a Poke`ball. Wow, my first Pokemon! I eagerly tossed it at the ground, only to see it exploded in a thick, smelly green fog that smelled of a mix of burned rubber, skunk piss and my Grandma's feet at the same time. "DAMMIT MOM! DAMMIT!" I said, coughing and laughing angrily at the same time. Don't ask me how I coughed and laughed at the same time. Just know I got skills and I need a shower and some of those little pine trees really badly!
Again, what's the rush? Go home, get message from mom, open up stinky pokeball, the end. Wow, that was so thin it gave me a papercut.
*sigh* And now comes the nitty gritty. How to improve this:
For starters, slow the heck down, man! Jumping from randomly disjointed idea no. 1 to randomly disjointed idea no. 2 is more likely to give your readers a headache than it is to entertain them. Belee 'dat.
Second of all, if you're going to make references to WWE/F/WCW/ECW etc, please try to make them less obvious. Vince, Shane, Benoit, West Coast, 619, Cruiserwieight, US, Intercontinental, Hardcore, and Undisputed. Sure, it's all good fun to make the obscure reference or three, but when you string a whole pile of them together like that, it gets unoriginal and, quite frankly, flat-out annoying.
Overall rating: 3/10. I bumped it from a 2 to a 3 for a fellow Wrestleholic
Edit: Oh, and No Way Out is another WWE reference too. Can you spot mine?