Sphrene - The Forgotten Age

[Silent Dragonfly]

Hey people, I've been a silent reader around here for a while but I finally decided to write my own fic. It's my first so if it's bad, tell me why it's bad and how I can improve it. It's a pokemon fic set long after the extinction of humans. Well enough of this. Here's the first chapter:


==Sphrene - The Forgotten Age=================

==Chapter One=====Old Friends and New Enemies==

"I'll explain this one more time", the Flareon said. "You give me the items and I'll leave this place alone and get on with my business, however if you choose not to, I may have to take them from you with more force than is nessercary"
"I promised to keep them safe, and I'm not going to go back on my word!" The Misdreavus exclaimed.

The Flareon stared at the Misdreavus through his black sunglasses for a few seconds. The Misdreavus started to feel uneasy. A small green jewel on a chain slid out of the fur around the Flareon's neck. The Misdreavus floated back slightly. It was exactly like the one the Misdreavus wore around it's neck but her's was blue. The green jewel began to glow and the Flareon closed his eyes.

"You are too loyal for your own good" the Flareon uttered calmly.
"You know nothing about me! If you want to fight me for them then I'll fight!" The Misdreavus yelled.

The Flareon opened his eyes and roared. Instantly the jewel stopped glowing and the Flareon's yellow fur was now blue and was waving as a flame would in the wind but the air in the cave was completely still. Suddenly he launched an impressive stream of red flames from his mouth that hit the Misdreavus with such a force that the impact pushed her straight into the wall a few meters away and she slid down to the bottom and lay in pain.

"Are you you ready to submit those items to me?" the Flareon questioned.
The Misdreavus had been serevely weakened by just one flamethrower.
"Please, don't kill me!" the Misdreavus pleaded.

The Flareon's flaming fur died down but remained blue. He walked very slowly up to a large metal door at the back of the cave. Looking to his left he saw the Misdreavus leaning on the wall, badly burned with eyes only half open and seemed to be in immense pain. The lower half of the door began to melt quickly, the blue flames were barely touching it and it was enough to melt it! He entered through the door and a few seconds later a bright orange light poured through the gap in the door. For the Misdreavus time seemed to go twice as slowly and the pain of the burns was as bad as when they were first inflicted. The wall above her was blackened as the effect of that powerful Flamethrower. This Flareon was about to completly ruin the Misdreavus's peaceful happy life here.

The Flareon strolled proudly out through the melted remains of the door with two bright jewels coloured yellow and red, the same kind as he and the Misdreavus were wearing around their necks, clutched tightly between his teeth. His fur had returned to it's yellow colour. He looked towards the Misdreavus's neck.

"Stop right there!" a voice shouted.
The Flareon turned to look, turned back and swiftly escaped through the enterance of the small cave hopping down to a lower level, out of sight with the two jewels he had just stolen.

"Are you alright?" the voice asked
"Uhh......Is.....Is that you......Prekflar?" The Misdreavus asked and then looked up.
Standing there, sure enough was Prekflar, the very Absol that asked the Misdreavus to guard those jewels, many years ago, until he returned.
"Sphrene, are you alright?" Prekflar asked sympathetically.
"It's.....it's really you.....isn't it.....Prekflar" The Misdreavus, Sphrene answered.
"Yes, it's me. Please tell me, are you alright?" he repeated.
"No....burned....badly.....very.....painful" Sphrene answered.
"Wait here" Prekflar said.

Prekflar walked to the enterance of the cave.
"The sun is very bright today, it's usually cloudy up here"
He reached down a pulled up a small plant with blue-green leaves and carried it back to Sphrene at the back of the cave.

"This should help you" he said and began rubbing it on Sphrene's head.
"It's a plant with two different parts. The flower can give a burning sensation, but the leaves can numb the pain of burns. It's kind of like a snake carries the antidote to it's own poison" Prekflar explained.
"Thank....you...." Sphrene said "It seems to be....working"
"Try not to move" Prekflar said "You should take a rest, I'll guard the cave, try to get some sleep ok?"
"Sure, first answer a question. Who was that Flareon who stole your jewels? He had one of his own, a green one" Sphrene asked.
"I'm not sure, I've never seen him before in my life, but he must know the importance of those jewels. I'll have to tell you about them too, later" Prekflar answered.
Sphrene was not satisfied. She wanted to know now, but she was too tired to ask. She fell asleep.

Prekflar sat down at the enterance. He didn't like daytime very much. Things weren't very active. His fur was very messy and his horn blade had a slight chip out of it. He had changed a lot since Sphrene had last seen him and she had never heard from him since. He didn't even know why he came back, he was just drawn back there somehow. He didn't care too much about his appearance, he wasn't out to impress the females anymore and became very distant from his emotions. Nobody knows where he went and what he had experienced but he was a lot more solitary now.

"Hmm....If that Flareon had the green jewel and he knew about this place then he'll probably know about the one I hid in the human city" Prekflar thought to himself. "And that means I'll have to chase him, but Sphrene is too weak to look after herself right now. I must take her with me. Maybe she'll end up useful, she did good guarding the jewels up til now"

A couple of hours later, Sphrene began to wake up.
"How are you feeling?" Prekflar asked
"Much better, thank you" Sphrene replied. "Could I ask you something?"
"What is it?" asked Prekflar
"What is so important about these jewels?"
"I'll tell you, in time"
"But I want to know now! Tell meeeee!" Sphrene demanded
"I said later. Have you fully recovered yet?"
"I think so, but I'm not too sure"
"Well, we need to leave, you can ride on my back until you feel like travelling" offered Prekflar

Prekflar wandered out of the cave. The cave was almost at the summit of the mountain of yellow stone. The humans had once given it a name but no-one remebers it anymore. Prekflar headed to the summit and looked over to the west where the sun was half above the horizon. The skies had turned grey and he wanted to show Sphrene where they were headed to before it got dark.

"The ruins of a human city are over there near the west" Prekflar explained.
"I know, I've seen it many times, while I'm floating up here at night" Sphrene answered.
"It's been over 400 years since the last of the humans lived" Prekflar announced.
"Most left in search of happiness on other planets, right? Sphrene asked.
"Yes, that's what is believed. And those who refused to leave eventually just died out, there were so few of them" Prekflar continued. "Why the ruins of their cities haven't completly collapsed, I really don't know. Well that's where we're headed. I hid the last of these jewels there. I felt they'd be safer to be separated"
"You promise to tell me about them soon?" asked Sphrene
"Yes, when I find the right time" promised Prekflar.

They finished watching the landscape, it was almost sundown and Prekflar was ready to set off. The mountain slopes were fairly easy to hop down but it was a very long way down. As it got darker many of the pokémon living on the mountain were becoming more active. It was the beginning of Autumn and Sneasel were competing for leadership in their packs and Teddiursa were collecting lots of Lum and Rabuta Berries as they had grown espescially well this year. Their normal lives were pretty boring compared to what what Sphrene and Prekflar were to encounter in their travels.

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Extra Notes: Sphrene is pronounced (Sph(like Sphere), enn, ay)
Sphrene and Prekflar's names have meaning and they will find out about them later. Hope you enjoyed reading it. Any critisism welcomed.

[Black Knight28]

It's interesting. I guess I'm out of the job if humans don't exsist (I'm studying to become an Anthropologist, and hopefully go into Egyptology). lol!

Anyway, it's good. I'm lost because I have no clue about these pokemon...well some of them. Description can be a little bit better, but how you mention how they feel is a plus. That's always good. I also like it that you are writing a story mainly on pokemon instead of the normal trainer fics.

The length can be a little bit better, and maybe a prolouge so we know what year it is, location, the starting of the plot, and maybe why the jewels are so important to pokemon. Maybe start off the history of the jewels that can catch the reader's attention. Something like that for example.

Keep up the good work! I would like to read the next chapter please.

[Silent Dragonfly]

Thanks, I'm gonna get started on the second chapter later tonight, and you'll get to find out about the jewels then and our heroes will meet a couple of new enemies.

[mistysakura]

I actually like it the way it is, with the history of the jewels being a mystery. It's always nice to have some suspense in the fic.

Quite a start of a first fic. The description's not bad, but it could be a nit more detailed. (I really should follow my own advice, as my description is always in the most irrelevant places.)

I shouldn't be saying anything, because I don't really know about the jewels, but I hope it's going to be nice and original. I'd hate it if it were a save-the-world thing. Just keep going, and as you probably know already, originality is very highly valued in here. Keep it up!

[Silent Dragonfly]

Well I finished Chapter Two. Sorry it took so long but I had a LOT of homework. Well this chapter has much more description and a little of the history of the jewels. And I lied about the two new enemies, they'll enter the story later. Well here ya go:

==Chapter Two=====The Forgotten Age=========

"This place STINKS!" Sphrene complained.
"What do you expect it to smell like? A flower garden?" Prekflar answered.
"It would if I had my way" Sphrene replied.
"Well marshes do tend to stink, so get over it" Preflar exclaimed.
"Why don't we just go AROUND the marshes?" Sphrene asked.
"Because it's much quicker and we need to reach the human city before that Flareon finds where I had hidden that jewel" Prekflar explained.
"Speaking of jewels are you gonna tell me about them?" Sphrene asked.
"Why don't you get off my back now? You've recovered" said Prekflar changing the subject.
"Hey don't you go, trying to change the subject. Just tell me!" demanded Sphrene.
"Stay still and stay quiet" Prekflar whispered.

Sphrene scanned the area. "What's going on?" she thought. "What is it?" She looked around. They had just entered a clearing at the start of a section of very tall grass. The grass on their left, right and then the center rustled in the calm wind. A small stream trickled by and a bubble popped in a puddle of mud close to the stream. Apart from this everything was silent. Prekflar relaxed from his defensive position.

"We're ok, for now" Prekflar said calmly.
"What happened? There was nothing there" Sphrene said.
"Humph........"
"Hey, don't 'humph' me! I just asked a question" Sphrene announced.
"That's not it, stay still again and be quiet" Prekflar asked swiftly.
"Oh, yeah like I'm gonna fall for that again! You were just changing the subject!" Sphrene shouted.
"Be quiet!"
"What? I said I'm not falling for it!"
"I said shut up"
"I'll keep asking until you tell me, even if it takes all day! Tell me tell me tell meeeeeee!" she yelled at the top of her voice.

The grass rustled from all sides. The rustling got louder and closer. The grass began to part first at the front, then the left and finally at the right. Three Poliwhirl emerged from the openings in the grass. One shot a quick Bubblebeam at Sphrene barely missing the side of her face.

"An ambush! Prekflar, I'm sooooo sorry!" Sphrene uttered, still in shock from that Bubblebeam.
"Get off of our land. You can't take it from us!" the first Poliwhirl demanded.
"We're just passing through, let us go or feel my fury" Prekflar threatened.
"Feel your fury? When it's three on two?" the second Poliwhirl said, laughing.
"Hey, I'm no fighter, I'm staying out of this!" Sphrene said.
"Three on one then. I like those odds even more" the first Poliwhirl yelled.
The third one remained completely silent.

"What have I done? Prekflar is gonna get completely crushed, and it's all my fault!" Sphrene thought to herself. "I'm so stupid and impatient"
"Sphrene, why'd you do that? It's going to be difficult training you as an apprentice. Hmm, it's time to show her my skills with the sword!" Prekflar thought to himself.

"Hah! Prepare yourselfs!" Prekflar ran very swiftly towards the first Poliwhirl. To him it seemed like time was going slowly and only he was at normal speed but in fact he was just going increbibly fast. He slashed his sword blade diagonally down to the left, slashed back in the opposite direction and threw a final cut straight down. He lifted the Poliwhirl on his blade and flung him into the little stream. He turned towards the second Poliwhirl. It began to back off, defending it's face with it's hands.
"Please, don't!" it pleaded.
Prekflar lifted his blade to attack, but saw the third silent Poliwhirl about to punch a Fissure into the ground, and spun around slashing the third in it's left side. The three got up and ran faster than they had ever run before. Prekflar had been ruthless showing no mercy, but it seemed as if it was completly normal to him. Sphrene was almost disgusted but too amazed by Prekflar's skills to be. Blood flowed down the stream.

Sphrene floated over the spot where the second Poliwhirl had stood.
"I am so sorry!" Sphrene said hoping he would'nt get angry with her.
Prekflar remained silent.
"Please, forgive me?" Asked Sphrene.
"Let's go" he said in a still half angry voice.

He stepped forward and began walking into the grass and Sphrene followed behind.
"I didn't mean it, I really didn't" Sphrene thought. "But..... all of that power, it's incredible. Why couldn't he hold himself back? It's like he has no remorse for the damage he has caused. He's.......changed a lot since I last saw him"

They carried on for quite a while, silently wandering through the seemingly endless grass.
"These jewels were formed in a time known as the forgotten age" Breaking the silence was Prekflar.
"That's about all that is known about the forgotten age and that's where it inherited it's name. The jewels give the user extended powers much more powerful that anyone could be with their own strengths and skills, if they know how to harness it. You experienced it's weakest form when that Flareon attacked you with the power of only one of the jewels. Now he has three"
"I'm glad you finally told me, and I'm sorry about before" apologized Sphrene.
"Stop apologizing, and I'm not finished yet. I know of five jewels. With all of them combined he could become a major problem, but I do not know of his motives"
"Is that all you know about them?" asked Sphrene.
"Yes, that's all"

They were still wandereding through the grass but finally they saw a small parting leading to some shallow water. The water was running into a bigger river which violently cascaded off of a waterfall nearby.

"You thirsty?" Prekflar asked.
"How could you even think of drinking THAT?" Sphrene replied.
"It's running water, it should be safe"
Prekflar leaned over to drink.
"First invading our land, then attacking my family and now stealing our water. You make me sick"
The two looked up to to see a Politoed with a very angry look on his face.
"Let me explain. We are just passing through your land, we were defending ourselves, and a river belongs to no-one" Prekflar stated.
"Defending yourself doesn't mean almost killing your attacker. You'll pay dearly for this for this!"
"Stop, I mean you no harm!" Prekflar announced.

The water around began to rise around them all. A huge wave formed carrying the Politoed and swiftly swallowing up the area and then finally crashing down with massive force onto Prekflar. When the water settled Prekflar was laid down on his side agianst a rock, barely keeping himself from suffocating on the water he had in his mouth or falling unconcious.

"And now you too" the Politoed yelled at Sphrene.
He lifted a rock, pushed it above his head, pulled it back and threw directly at Sphrene. She squealed and curled up to defend herself. As the rock flew through threw the air Sphrene looked up. She had no control over herself.
"NOW I'M REALLY ANGRY! YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY!" Sphrene shouted against her will.

A blue light engulfed everthing. As the light began to fade, Sphrene appeared, her hair blowing in the wind in a green fiery blaze, yet there was no wind and her eyes had turned to a bright blue colour. The rock was in fragments on the floor. Water began to rise around the Politoed trapping it in a solid watery circular wall. The waterfall ceased falling and instead began to rise and twist gaining large heights and sharply turned and blasted down into the center of the circular prison. The waterfall began falling again and the prison of water collapsed. The water slid all over the area, completely purified, no murkiness like the marsh water around there was. The Politoed fell to the ground and dropped into unconciousness. Sphrene's green flame began to weaken and disappear.
"It's good to be back" she said, before dropping into a sleep as well.

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Well that's the second chapter. In the next one Sphrene and Prekflar will be left there for now and I will be focusing on another character who will be very important later.

[Black Knight28]

Nice. It's getting better..just a little. Very good though, and I hope to be able to read the next chapter.

[mistysakura]

Well, not a bad chapter at all. I liked the continuous attacks by the Poli family. There could have been a bit more description though, and separating your paragraphs makes it easier to read.

[burakkichu]

not bad. ^^ though i do notice that you tend to leave out the punctuation just before the closing quotation mark, after someone has finished speaking.

"I'm glad you finally told me, and I'm sorry about before" apologized Sphrene.
"Stop apologizing, and I'm not finished yet. I know of five jewels. With all of them combined he could become a major problem, but I do not know of his motives"
"Is that all you know about them?" asked Sphrene.
"Yes, that's all"

there should be a comma after 'sorry about before', and periods after 'i do not know of his motives' and 'yes, that's all'. oh and yes, you should separate your paragraphs with double-spacing, since it would be easier to read. and any time a different person speaks, that should be a new paragraph.

so, that paragraph above would be written better as:

"I'm glad you finally told me, and I'm sorry about before," apologized Sphrene.

"Stop apologizing, and I'm not finished yet. I know of five jewels. With all of them combined he could become a major problem, but I do not know of his motives."

"Is that all you know about them?" asked Sphrene.

"Yes, that's all."

hope that's helpful. ^___^