Mauna Loa's peak (August contest entry)

[Shadow Wolf]

OK, if there's something I need to say about this piece is that it may possibly have mature content. Well, here it is...

Mauna Loa’s peak

“One more time” a year ago

“One more time” again each day

“One more time” before you go

“One more time” don’t go away


Reaching out forbidden freedom

Staring up at heaven’s gate

Did you notice that the demon

Stole your will since that first date?


Bitter thirst for honey lips

Endless lore in soothing skin

Who can match those waving hips?

‘Bet you crave for one more grin.


“One more time” enjoy attraction.

“One more time” for more you crave.

“One more time” succumb to passion

“One more time” become a slave.

[Gavin Luper]

Awesome, Louis. I was hoping we would get a bit of variety in the format of the entries, so it's cool to see a poem offered up. They'll all still be judged the same, of course, but I'm glad that different forms are being utilised.

[mr_pikachu]

Review of “Maula Noa’s Peak”

Plot (15/20 points): This is a tricky category when dealing with a poem. The plot didn’t really twist and turn, although the theme only started to become clear around the halfway mark. Normally that would be catastrophic, but it’s not quite such a bad thing in a poem. However, I was a bit lost early in the piece as to what you were referencing at all, even on a metaphorical level, so that was a bit of an issue. (It seemed to be a story of romance, or of chasing naïve lust as a substitute for romance, but if not for the eighth line it could always have been something more carnal like masturbation. I’m still not entirely sure.) The ending was pretty strong in this regard, though.

Plot Originality (8/10 points): It’s nothing particularly new, per se, but the story was told with a unique enough angle to make it work.

Writing Style (14/20 points): I liked the idea of telling this in poem form. That’s a format with which I’m rather fond, myself. With that said, it was rather vague at the start, and then it got very precise and explanatory from the eighth line onward. The dichotomy didn’t work particularly well, as that shift was rather jarring. We simply didn’t have enough explanation to be completely clear about what’s happening, but the fact that there was some clarification sapped away a bit of the mystique. I would have actually preferred an emphasis on one side or the other instead of the mishmash.

Spelling and Grammar (8/10 points): Some basic grammar rules cease to be vital in this form. However, it’s still important to be consistent in what you choose to ignore and under what circumstances. In particular, there seemed to be erratic use and omission of punctuation at the ends of sentences. You can make your own grammar standards in many poetic systems, but you then ought to abide by your own rules.

Characters (10/15 points): The only character was the narrator speaking about his own plight. One of the issues with the writing style is that the reader didn’t have enough information to fully understand everything that was happening, but it was also too specific for it to be easily relatable to one’s own life. In other words, the reader him or herself couldn’t simply be the character, but it was also tough to get in touch with who the character really was.

Settings (12/15 points): There was no real setting aside from the mental stage you set. That’s not a bad thing, mind you, although it does mean that the “setting” was heavily dependent on the character. Since that was a little off-kilter, the same issues carried through here.

Overall Appreciation (8/10 points): It was an interesting read, but it did lack a little richness due to the writing style issues. This might have been more effective if you had either thrown us into the whole thing, walking step-by-step through your character’s experiences with all the details, or if you had held back and tapped into the general class of experiences and emotions through which all of us have lived.

Final Result: 75/100 = 75%

Closing Comments: I liked the whole premise behind this. Your poem felt at its strongest over the first seven lines, when it had a very clear style and didn’t get bogged down in needless description. One of the advantages of poetry is that you can be more general so that the reader can use the poem to relive his or her own experiences rather than attempting to superimpose him or herself into the mind and world of a fictional character. You did a good job of this while it lasted, and I think that’s a skill that will prove very advantageous to you in the future, if you choose to build on it.

[Gavin Luper]

Huh. I actually misunderstood some of the tone here. In particular, after reading lines 9-11 I had guessed a very different meaning for the "honey lips."

Yeah... you can figure out that one for yourself.

Holy crap, it just got M-rated in here ...

Louis - It was great to read your deconstruction of the piece, I was correct about most assumptions, then, but it's still good to see how much meaning and background is behind each of the lines.

Also ... is the volcano actually "Mauna Loa"? ^_^ Cause that might explain why when I did frantic google searches for Maula Noa I got no results other than this poem, which resulted in me being totally baffled until you just confirmed that it was the biggest volcano in the world, which I've now googled and discovered is Mauna Loa. Solves a mystery for me, anyway.

Well done again - at my university anything between 70-79 is a Distinction, and that's how I marked these pieces.

[Shadow Wolf]

Brian: You made me laugh to the point of me choking and having my cheeks hurt (please, don't think M-rated for this one )

Gavin: Oh God! Biggest Grammar mistake EVER. >_<

...I wonder if the autocorrect is responsible? Nah, is was probably my fault. Many thanks for pointing that out. *goes to correct shameful mistake*

[Gavin Luper]

Brian: You made me laugh to the point of me choking and having my cheeks hurt (please, don't think M-rated for this one )

LMAO.

Gavin: Oh God! Biggest Grammar mistake EVER. >_<

...I wonder if the autocorrect is responsible? Nah, is was probably my fault. Many thanks for pointing that out. *goes to correct shameful mistake*

^_^ Blame it on the autocorrect haha!

Don't sweat it mate, just thought I'd point it out because I spent so long yelling at google wondering why it wasn't returning any results when clearly you'd written a poem about it. Mystery solved, hoorah.