An Isolated Heart! (Epilogue)

[Shadow Wolf]

Hi everyone! Hope you're doing well.

Well, I got the mod approval, so I decided to create this.

What can I say about it..... This is a series of weekly poems I wrote in the last month over a personal situation. I believe that, within the verses, you will find out the story.

This could be called a journal... a story... or just a series of amateur poems. To be honest, I really don't know if to call it even poetry... but that's the reason I feel like sharing it, because I want to discover, through the views of different people, what this series hold.

Well, I'll let the words speak for themselves... Here's the first one...

First week of isolated feelings...

Uncertain



What exactly am I supposed to do?

What do you want me to be?

What will I become to you in the end?

…

My heart holds to hope

My mind reaches for dreams

And memories of you chase away the happiness in me

…

As each day passes, I’m tortured with pain

I only want you to be happy and to be loved.

But your behavior leaves a bittersweet remain.

…

You only wish that I remain as your friend

You believe that you are complete in yourself

Yet alone you don’t want to end

…

You might be right when sincerely, you said

That I don’t know how to handle my problems too well

But you escape to the books and you still hold on to him

…

But despite the poison dripping from your mouth

You actions keep me smiling

And your warm hugs remind me that I’m alive

…

Your words are a poison that sucks away my joy

Your actions are the antidote that bring my body peace

This pain-and-pleasure whirlpool leaves me addicted and vulnerable

…

This love is taking its toll on me

But the uncertainty of your desire

Leaves my heart to craving for more

…

I can’t keep going while holding to remains

I can only drift away in the waves of time

And hope that I drift up in the shore of your love

…

But while I’m swaying between the waves

I look from my wet eyes to the blurry sky

While whispering these words to my troubled mind:

…

What exactly am I supposed to do?

What do you want me to be?

What will I become to you in the end?

[mattbcl]

I've had a couple of friends in the past that would fit the person being spoken to within this poem pretty well. It strikes me as pretty self-explanatory - not a whole lot of analysis required. But it's also clearly heartfelt, which makes it slightly painful to read... and by that I mean the sympathetic brand of pain, not rolling my eyes. I can feel the hurt as I'm reading.

[Shadow Wolf]

Matt: As I said earlier, I'm not sure if to consider my work "poetry" because in poetry, it usually involves a sense of mystery (using metaphors and other symbolic reading to make the reader think as to what exactly the poet wants to say), and my "poems" are usually verses and rhymes with the purpose of conveying my feelings to the reader in a way that the reader understand what I'm writing about and at the same time, feel the feelings as he/she read through every verse. I'm glad I managed to do this. Thanks for reading and for your comments. Much appreciated!

_____________

2nd week of isolated feelings...

A Spirit’s Whisper



Hey!

I’m here

I wonder…

Can you see me?

Do you know I’m here?

I’m almost sure you do.

After all, I’m there for you…

Every time you need to feel love

It’s the time you know that I exist

If you need anything, you can whisper

And in the midst of silence, I will hear you

You can be sure that your voice will reach out my heart

Before you can tumble down, you know I’ll reach your hand

I’ll save you from falling; I’ll pick you up and help you walk

Even before you cry, you know I’ll be there to make you smile…

But it’s only when you’re gloomy that you know I exist

If you have no use for me, I slowly disappear

I’m a spirit that only exists when looked for…

If you don’t need me, I don’t exist at all

My thoughts have no meaning; I’m left alone

When I need you, you’re not there for me

I can cry, but you won’t hear me

I take no part in your world

And in pain, I’m left alone

A spirit drained of hope

Until you need me…

...to light you up,…

…make you smile…

…all for…

…love.

[Shadow Wolf]

Week 3 of isolated feelings

Hesitating feelings, Runaway thoughts



A couple of days have been more than enough

To know that this path bears a destructive force

That tears one apart and takes others along



A battle, a struggle, a love and a choice

From one to another I have drifted all this time

But I can’t take this anymore

My hands are tired of holding on and letting go

And without knowing what you hide in thoughts

And without you caring for at least trying to give back a call

I’m left alone to take this difficult course.

…and to prevent pain and to hold myself…

..From unleashing all this pain into you…

…from screaming these angry thoughts that will make you hate me…

…from asking once again if I mean something to you…

…to prevent these sorrows and many more…

…I decided to let go.



Nothing comes from this numb heart

After hearing that this is goodbye

It’s still in shock from the sudden wound

Left by the thought of not hearing your voice again.



My mind is trying to convince itself

That everything in the end will be OK

Saying again and again in bitter whispers:

“It’s for the best… it’s for the best”

But knowing that the choice made

In the end might bring hatred, despair and pain.



But there’s no reason to go back

Cause I leave behind confusion, desperation and uneasiness

Because the soul that sails between pleasure and pain…

…ends up drowning in a bittersweet sea of indecision.



I’ve taken a step in an enigmatic desert

And even though I don’t know where it will lead me

I’ll cherish the love I shared with your oasis

Keep the memories created by our precious time together

And with the murder of my hope for you

I order my bloody hands to let go of you

I tell my depressive heart to conceal my feelings for you

I seal my lips so they don’t say those magic words to you

I hypnotize my brain so it doesn’t think of the pain of keeping you in my mind

And I tell my determined feet to help me get up…

…stand proud... don’t take a step back... and march forward…

…and my love for you… will just haunt my lonely dreams.



And the pain, the hope, the happiness and the love…

…will have to play with me some other time.

[Gavin Luper]

I said I wanted to read this, and I still do. Will get to it soon, but just know that I haven't ignored this!

[Shadow Wolf]

Gavin: Don't worry! I know! But of course, do your stuff first, okay?

_______________________________

fourth week of isolated feelings... the end is near

Believe



The bonds of our friendship have become a burning bridge
With no one to prevent its sorrowful destruction
While I have given up on repairing our broken bond
A certain part of me leaves me to ally itself with hope
And create a pitiful teamwork to save what’s left of us



They both know that their efforts are futile
No matter how hard they try
They will not be able to change reality
They know that they are slowly disappearing…
But they cling onto each other and keep trying
Because they both believe that you will appear on the other side
And illuminate the dark hole of ignorance that sucks up our friendship



They don’t see you…
They haven’t seen you appear…
They’re slowly…
Sadly…
And painfully…
Forgetting about you…
And they are afraid that…
When they give up repairing the bridge…
You appear to fix what’s broken and they disappear…
…leaving you alone.
They know you are afraid of being alone…



They don’t plan to give up…
Cause they believe in you!
Even though they don’t know you well
They believe that you will appear
That you will help them repair what’s fading
And they hold on to what you told them…
“everything broken can be fixed”



My mind and my soul have given up on you…
My heart and my hope have not stopped believing…
Whom will you give the reason?
When you come back…
Will you find the bridge burning and try to repair it along with them?
Or will you just come back and find the bridge covered in ashes?
You still have “my heart”… and you still have “my hope.”
They believe in you… but…
Will you remember them?

[Shadow Wolf]

This is the last poem of the series. Though a month usually have an average of four weeks, it should have been 4 poems, but I found necessary to add a final piece to complete this series. No more words just come out... but I hope that, through the verses, you'll find out the rest of the remaining pieces of the story.

I'm holding on your rope; got me ten feet off the ground...

Farewell!



This is goodbye…

Today you leave…

You die in me.

I don’t want to,

But there’s no choice.



I’ll miss you my dear.

The moments we shared…

The times we laughed…

The paths we walked…



My tears give in

My heart looks down

My mouth screams up

…and my feelings burst out.



But my mind is angry

‘Cause it knows reality

It can’t console my heart

Because it knows that it will change nothing.



It knows that you won’t return

That he’s just another member of the loser bench

It closes its eyes while clenching its fists

Realizing that you never really cared.



My whole self drowns in your shadow

It cries out all the misery…

Of the time wasted begging…

Yes, begging for a little piece of love.



And no matter how much my soul cries…

Or begs…

Or pleads…

You won’t come back.



So it’ll stand up on it’s own

Raise its forehead once more

Hold the tears while thinking out loud

The words it’ll never say to you



I love you… goodbye…

[Gavin Luper]

Uncertain: Well, this is a very vulnerable piece and it's a good intro I think. When I first started dabbling in poetry/lyrics/stream of consciousness to get my feelings and thoughts out, to be honest it just felt good putting down on paper, or screen, what I was feeling. You can be more honest than in conversation, because there is always the risk of being perceived as weak or melodramatic or hypersensitive when you express these emotions to another person. Written expression imbues you with a sense of freedom and I think that's evident here. Keep going with that, because I bet you've found it cathartic, right?

Furthermore, I think there is an element of freedom that comes with just putting feelings down like this, in relatively free verse. Without the formal aspects of poetry at play - at least in this first piece - it feels raw and genuine. I love a powerful metaphor, but I also love a completely unpretentious line like "I don’t know how to handle my problems too well". It can cut much deeper, in my opinion, than an overworked simile. Likewise, the line, "your warm hugs remind me that I’m alive" shook me. There is a genuine innocence in the image of "warm hugs", and it sounds a little clumsy, too, but in a good way: it evokes what it is supposed to, and sounds much more human and fragile than throwing the word "embrace" in there instead. So, kudos - maybe it's just the contemplative/vulnerable state I'm in myself at this time, but that line, way too simple and not in the least poetic, nearly devastated me.

As a poem, it would do well with some editing though. As a piece of free expression, there's no point giving constructive criticism, but as a poem, it could of course be improved in several ways. There are one or two minor spelling errors, but I'm talking more broadly: I think the impact of the piece would be more profound if it were reduced from 33 lines to, say, half of that, but that's just me. And again, that's if you want to turn it into some kind of formal poem. As a free verse, it works just nicely.

All in all, I enjoy this kind of emotive work, so on that level, it really works for me and I feel for the poet. I liked the cyclical, questioning nature of the piece.

I'll read and review the other poems in the cycle in due course - but that's the first one for now.

Well done again on having the stones to publish something as honest and vulnerable as this. It can be tempting to obscure your emotional frailty behind walls of metaphor, and this is often an artistically sound move, but it's quite a brave thing to just say what you feel, too.

Good work dude.

[Gavin Luper]

I know I'm double posting but just wanted to add some quick feedback on A Spirit's Whisper.

I loved the shape of the poem. Not only is it aesthetically cool on the screen, but it also ties in so well with the message of the piece. The first half is building up to something bigger; it starts as that single word, that tiny whisper, and slowly builds to a crescendo, the lines becoming longer and more detailed, the theme of love becoming stronger and stronger. And then it suddenly peaks, and starts to taper off again, when it's revealed this love is not truly reciprocated: it seems like a selfish kind of affection. The object of the narrator's desire only needs him when he is useful as a tool to the object, but has no inherent interest in being useful to the narrator in the same way; there is a clear lack of reciprocity.

And from there, the poem spirals into depression and sorrow, although still clearly the narrator is unwilling to let go of his love for this person, despite knowing how shallow it is.

The lines that stuck with me most were the ones as the tide turned in the poem and it began to cascade back into nothingness. "But it’s only when you’re gloomy that you know I exist" (that first one kills me, it has a real innocence to it), "I’m a spirit that only exists when looked for…", "If you don’t need me, I don’t exist at all". Writing them all in a row like that, they don't sound very poetic (and the language, to be fair, isn't that poetic at all) and a bit repetitive, but when read in the shape form it works.

Again, the shape works so well. It also signifies the existence of the narrator: he grows stronger and stronger, more and more real and existent, as his love for and relevance to the object of his affection builds; and as this relevance is exposed as selfish and not reciprocated, he fades again, disappearing more and more, finally into a single word - "love" - and then, nothing at all, waiting to be called upon again.

Well done Louis. This was a very good technique that worked really cohesively with the subject matter - I thoroughly enjoyed reading this!

Cheers!

[Shadow Wolf]

Gavin: What can I say... Thanks, honestly!

Well, for now, I plan to leave them as they are... to be honest, I'm afraid of reading this again because the memories are still fresh (it brings certain pain while reading them). But I hope that, after some time, I can edit them; and when I do, I'll be sure to ask for help.

In the case of "Uncertain", I think that all the poems of this series convey a sense of freedom. But freedom in the sense of unleashing my feelings.

I think doing this had a double-edge consequence because it gave the expressions an authentic feeling, but it also made the pieces a bit over-dramatic and maybe it may even deliver a sense of desperation (in fact, I think that the 3rd and 4th poems will show you what I mean). However, I prefer to refrain from further comment, because I know I'm my worst critic.

In "Uncertain", the feelings were very alive, so the poem was meant to be innocent. You probably noticed the innocence (and maybe naive) attitude towards love and the object of affection (The word innocent gave me a hint). To know that this gave a positive influence on the piece makes me feel really glad; and to know that the verses gave the author the authentic feeling (since both Matt and you felt the poem)... well, it gives me a sense of satisfaction, since that's what I wanted.

Following up... "A Spirit's Whisper": Even though the verses are original, the shape itself (A double pointed arrow) is not authentically mine. There's this poem that talks about the tea ceremony between a Geisha and a man (I'm still looking for the name of it and the author). This poem used this format to portray a double arrow, which conveyed two symbols: reciprocated love [cupid arrows] and the distance between them in the table [which may look far, but its closer than it looks].

I used this format in the opposite way: delivering exactly what you perceived: the rising of the feelings along with the addition of one syllable per verse, until the twist came, which led to a downward feeling. In a way, this piece can resemble a short-term relationship, but I don't want to comment further on that.

The innocence of the verses (both in the first and on the second) are not intentional. In fact, it shows the use of simple language (I don't know why, but I feel more comfortable when I use simple words). This is probably why my poems might be repetitive sometimes (not because I want them to be like that, but because the simple words are the ones that appear as I write the verses; and I don't like to edit them because the synonyms of the words might affect the rhythm of the poem itself)

Overall... I'm glad that these two pieces went well. And thanks for the feedback!