Question

[mr_pikachu]

This is a completely unplanned sequel to Just Words. I wrote this piece in about an hour and a half, from 1:30 to 3:00 a.m. Considering that it's 3:20 right now, it should be obvious that I wanted to keep this pretty much unedited.

That's pretty much all you need to know.



Question

Do you see it?
Do you see it now?
Do you see what you make me feel?
Do you know how scared I am?
What do you think?
What do you have to say?
What do you think about my feelings?
Why do you shudder?
Why do you hesitate?
Is this wrong?
Did I speak too soon?
Did I speak too late?
Have I scared you?
Have I hurt you?
Should I apologize?
Should I take back what I said?
Should I act like it never happened?
But how could I keep denying the truth?
How could I do anything but explain?
What was I supposed to do?
Why are you standing?
Why are you walking away?
Why are you crying?
Are those tears of joy?
Or pain?
What can I do to make things right?
How can I fix this?
Why does this hurt so much?

Why did you come back?
If I hurt you, why did you come back?
Did you really want that?
Did you want me to tell you that?
Are you angry at me?
Completely angry?
Is there any happiness in your voice?
Are you glad that I feel this way?
Do you feel the same way?
What did you say?
Do you know how happy I am to hear that?
Do you see these tears?
Do you know why I’m crying?
Do you know that it’s because of you?
Are you scared?
Are you shaking?
Are you shaking too?
What happens now?
How do you feel about him?
Do you still like him?
Do you still care for him?
Is it true?
Did I really just hear that?
Why are you still together?
Why are you with him if you don’t really love him?
What are you going to do?
What are we going to do?
Should I have said that?
Should I have said “we”?
Am I still just dreaming?
Is this just false hope?
Why do you shudder?
Why do you hesitate?
What’s wrong?
Are we still apart?
Are we still divided?
Are you still with him?
Why am I surprised?
Shouldn’t it have been obvious?
Why did I expect anything different?
Why did I hope for a fairy tale?
Why did I think telling you the truth would fix everything?

Are you as nervous as I am?
Do you feel the tension?
Do you sense the emotions?
The pain?
The passion?
The frustration?
Do you know how much I wanted to tell you?
How long I held back?
Do you know that I wanted to be a true friend?
That I resisted for your sake?
For your love?
Do you know how much it hurt?
Why don’t you say anything?
Why can’t I say anything?
Why won’t the words come?
How can you bear this tension?
Do you see my heart pounding through my shirt?
Can you sense the anguish in my soul?
What can I do to break this tension?
What can I do to escape?
Isn’t it clear what I want?
Do you think it’s selfish?
Is it bad to want to be with you?
Is it bad if it tears you from him?
What happens now?
Why do you hold back?
Why do you shudder?
Why do you hesitate?
Is there something keeping you from moving forward?
Is he hurting you?
Does he still care for you?
Is there anything between you?
Then why are you together?
What can I do to help?
What can I do to make things right?

Why do we avoid the subject?
What scares us so much?
Why do we hide from ourselves?
Is it wrong to ask?
Can I resist?
Can I resist asking?
Can I resist asking about you and him?
Did I just say that?
Did I just blurt it out?
What’s that look on your face?
Is it anger?
Is it sadness?
What is it?
You did what?
When?
When did you do that?
When did you break up with him?
Why didn’t you say something sooner?
What can I say?
Why am I so shocked?
Why am I so surprised?
Didn’t I expect this?
Didn’t I hope for this?
Why does it scare me?
Why am I frightened?
So what happens now?
What?
Why?
Why?
WHY?
Didn’t you just break up with him?
Then why did you do it?
Why reject him if you don’t like me?
Is there someone else?
Someone you like better?
Someone a little more appropriate?
Why don’t you know?
Why don’t you know what you want?
What am I supposed to think?
Are you leading me on?
Do you even care about how I feel?
Are you just too scared to do anything?
Why do you shudder?
Why do you hesitate?
Are you in pain?
Does the break-up hurt?
Or is it me?
Am I the problem?
Why won’t you say anything?
Is it true?
Am I just a nuisance?
What is it about me that pushes you away?
Why does it hurt so much?
Why does telling you the truth do this?

Why was I so anxious?
Why was I so upset?
Is it because I care too much?
Am I just desperate?
Is that love?
Is it love if I want this so badly?
Why am I happy?
Why do I like seeing you when it hurts so much?
What is it about you?
Why are you so fascinating?
Do you want to be with me?
Why did I say that?
Why?
How could I say that?
Why did I bring it up?
Didn’t you just reject me?
Didn’t you just hurt me?
Why do I keep trying?
Am I that desperate?
What’s wrong with me?
How could anyone care for someone so foolish?
And why did you say yes?
How did I get so lucky?
What’s that?
Why do you want me to meet her?
Do you want her to approve of us?
Is that really what you want?
Do you see how nervous I am?
Is it clear that I’m scared to talk to your mom?
Can you see the fear in my eyes?
Do you know how scared I am?
Do you really want this?
With all of your heart?
Then can you help me?
Can you help me to not mess up?
How did I find someone so kind?
So caring?
So forgiving?
So loving?
Or do you feel that strongly?
What is it that you feel?
What is it that I’m fighting for?

Why did I hide this from my own parents?
Why couldn’t I say anything?
Did I think they wouldn’t approve?
Why am I still nervous?
Why couldn’t I just tell my mom before?
Why do I have to do it now?
And why did I have to leave her a note?
Am I that weak?
Am I so scared that I can’t even say what I mean?
Can I not say anything to her face?
Why is it taking so long?
Why is she still reading?
Doesn’t she know that I’m waiting?
That I’m shaking on my bed?
That I’m praying she’ll accept us?
Did I just hear the door open?
What did she say?
Why did she tell me that?
Does she think I want to hear that?
That everything’s going to be okay?
What does that mean?
Does it mean that she’s happy for me?
Or does it mean that she wants to fix the problem?
What problem?
Why am I so confused?
Why did she send me outside?
Is she deciding what to say?
Does she want to break us apart?
Why is she taking so long?
What’s that look on her face?
Why does she look so nervous?
Why is she nervous even though she says she’s happy?
Should I trust her words?
Should I believe what she says?
Or is the truth in her eyes?
Why does she sigh when she thinks I’m not there?
Is she releasing the tension?
Or is it something worse?
Why won’t she tell me what she really feels?

What am I going to do?
Why does my family disappoint me?
Why does my mom hide her feelings?
Why is my dad so erratic?
Why does my grandmother worry so much?
Why does my grandfather hide what he thinks?
And why can’t I talk to my friends?
Why do they think like that?
How can they live with themselves?
Am I alone in this?
Can I be honest with anyone?
Can I tell anyone what I really feel?
Should I want to tell anyone else but you?
Why is my family scared?
Why are my friends fools?
Is your family better?
Is that why?
Is that why you want me to talk to your mom?
Will it be better with her?
Will she accept me?
Accept me for who I am and not who she wants me to be?
Is your mom that kind?
Will she care for me like I care for you?

Why did I agree to talk to your mom?
Why doesn’t she say anything?
Why doesn’t she respond?
Did I say something wrong?
Does she not like me?
Does she not see in me what you see?
What do you see?
How could someone like you care about someone like me?
And does she see it?
Does she support us?
Why won’t she speak up?
Is she judging me?
Is she judging my character?
My appearance?
My intentions?
My fear?
Why won’t she say something?
What does she think?
Why is she leaving?
Why is she calling for you?
Is she tearing you away?
Does she hate me?
Does she hate the idea of me?
Why is she whispering to you?
What is she saying?
What is she telling you?
Why do you look so sad?
Why is she leaving?
Why are you coming back?
What did she say?
What?
What’s that supposed to mean?
Does she think I’m an idiot?
Why would I care if she allowed us to be friends?
Why won’t she just say she doesn’t want us to be together?
What’s that?
Did she say I seemed nice?
That I’m a nice guy?
Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Is that some sort of consolation prize?
I can’t be with you, but at least I’m nice?
Who cares?
Why did she even bother saying that?
What am I supposed to do now?
What can I do?
Why did I ask her?
Why did I rush into this?
How can I prove myself to her now?
How can I do anything when she already said no?
Why does everyone treat us like this?
Why don’t they like the idea of us?
When will they stop jerking us around?

Is this all we’ll ever have?
Will our families keep us apart?
Are we doomed to fail?
Are you just the Juliet to my Romeo?
Will our story be a passionate romance?
Or is it destined to be a tragedy?
How do we move beyond this?
How can we do anything?
What can we do?
What can we do when everyone is against us?
Why do they keep standing in our way?
What is it about the idea of us that scares them?
Does it scare you?
What do you think about me?
Do you think of us as a couple?
Why don’t you respond?
Are you as scared as everyone else?
Are you scared of your family?
Or are you scared of us?
What’s this?
Why am I shaking?
Why am I shaking again?
Am I scared?
Am I just as worried as everyone else?
Does that mean it’s wrong?
Is this feeling wrong?
How can that be?
Why doesn’t anyone know what to say?
Why can’t we make our choice?
Why must we keep walking in circles?
Will we be together?
Will we fall apart?
Why do we have to know the answer now?
Why can’t we just ask the question?
Why can’t we just try?

[eevee-shayna]

Pikachu-Sensei - and yes I still call you Sensei because you have so much to teach - you have shown so much in this poem. You've taught us all what a sensitive, caring, passionate, and strong person you are. Certainly you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. To be able to write down such raw emotions and display them for all your peers to see is a bold statement. It is as if yo are saying, "I am so sure of my feelings that I will tell you all." I was not strong enough to be able to display my feelings like that when I realized I was a lesbian. I was afraid to announce it to the world, even though I trust my peers on this board; this cyber-home. Your honesty and strength have a lot to teach. You show us that you are a wonderful person with admirable character. I truly do think this highly of you for the strength you have shown.

Although my words may not help your situation, they are what I have to give: my honesty. I wish nothing short of the best for you. Continue to be who you are. Arigato for showing us your heart.

[mistysakura]

Sorry for taking forever. It's good (?) to see a continuation of Just Words. I don't know if you're happy that you talked to her or not, but at least it's a step forward. Now it feels a bit like we're reading your blog, but it seems that writing things out is working for you, and I'm happy about that. About the poem, I liked how it was called Question; although there were lots and lots of questions, in a sense it's just one tangled-up messy question. The poem really showed us the confusion you felt, using all those questions. I think that because this poem goes a lot more into the specifics, it loses a bit of connection with the reader, but it doesn't matter.

I agree with eevee-shayna that it's brave of you to show us your emitions like this. I don't necessarily agree that it's because "I am so sure of my feelings that I will tell you all" -- when I post my random things it's more like "I'm not sure of my feelings and this is a convoluted mess, but it feels good to get it off my chest and maybe you guys can help me make sense of it". But everyone feels different about stuff like that. Anyway, whether you're sure of your feelings or not, thank you for letting us try to understand them.

[mr_pikachu]

You may have noticed that I've taken a lot longer to reply to everyone in this and in Just Words than I do in my other works. Frankly, I have to think for a long time about what I want to say, because it's not so trivial.


Shayna: I'm not sure I deserve such compliments, but thank you for them nonetheless. This was much harder to write than Just Words. After all, the former poem was loaded with passion, while this one was more inspired by confusion and discontent. For the most part, I'm fairly sure of my own feelings. But for me, this poem symbolizes all the obstacles in the way of those feelings meeting fruition. And so I keep asking myself how (if?) to work past such problems... hence the basis for my questions. Frustration and concern aren't often good inspirations for my writing, but I guess it worked in this case.

Thank you for your kindness, Shayna. I know there's a lot more emotion behind what you said than just words (haha).


Ada: Well, I'll admit that things have grown a lot more difficult since I talked to her. But I'm still immensely happy that I did so, because such things just can't be kept bottled up forever. I honestly wasn't going for the whole "blog" effect, but it's fine if that's how it appears. Heh, a poetic blog... You're right about all the questions stemming from one; basically, I'm constantly trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do now. And you're right that it isn't as generalizable. I guess that was inevitable, since I delved a lot further into everything. It's hard to ask a question if you don't have any context. But I see your point, regardless of that.

I'm kinda surprised that everyone thinks writing about this is so brave; frankly, it's probably just because everything I've kept locked away is bursting forth at once. And I admit that the basis for this was a lot more convoluted, but I think it was more due to the "What do I do?" question than "How do I feel?"


Thank you both for your comments. I really do appreciate them.

[Shadow Wolf]

Cool, another story to read.

I don't post much, but I hang around reading stuff like WotF.


OK, onto the poem:

I wonder when you'll ever stop impressing me?

Only a few warriors would dare to stand up and show (post) their feelings like this.


I can see(from my point of view) that this poem describes your confusion of emotions, and the problems somebody has to face when trying to tell that person what you really think about that person.


I especially loved the question "What is it that I’m fighting for?", because sometimes, one wonders what is this mix of feelings that makes us feel so happy, and so sad at the same time, and if it's really worthy to fight for that happiness that, most of the time, we only find it on movies and fairy-tales.



Kudos to you, and I'll see you around.

Louis(shinypkmnchaser)


EDIT: I just read "Just Words" and its another masterpiece. I have this thing in my throat that doesn't want to go, even with water. You described every single experience that I've been through in "Just Words".

Sadly, I've somehow forgot how to cry, and because I forgot to shed tears, I have to face a strong chill on the inside of my chest when remembering happy moments of a relationship that will never happen again.

Once again, Kudos to you, and like you told me once: "way to turn what it could have been a bad situation into a strong piece"

[mr_pikachu]

Louis: I'm still surprised that people think this is impressive, whether it's because I'm revealing my inner thoughts or because it's a decent poem. But thank you for your compliments.

There are a lot of tangles in this poem. Personally, I think that one of the hardest things to do is run through these questions over and over again, which makes you all the more hesitant to ask anyone but yourself... and the cycle only perpetuates itself. Some of the repetition here was inspired by that.

The line you mentioned could have a lot of different interpretations, now that I think about it. I'm glad it's easy to apply to personal situations.

As for your comments on Just Words, I felt similarly while writing it. Even though the process just flowed, it still hurt to go through everything I was thinking. Not that reviewing the same dilemmas over and over again in my head helped, but...

Anyway, thank you again for your kindness and your empathy. I really do appreciate you taking the time to share them.