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Thread: To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

  1. #1
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Hello! ^_^ This is my for-sure shot at writing a fanfic, so this better not let me down.

    Brief Disclaimer: There is obviously no way I own Pokemon or any place featured in this story. However, the characters, inspired or not, are of my creation, especially Laura, who is a clear remake of myself. The storyline is both fantasy and based from life experience.

    (rating this fanfiction PG-13 for your safety. Content includes language, violence, and some horrific moments)

    To Those Who Still Care...
    (a trainer's story by Kikyo)

    Prologue - Chapter 1: A Dream Met by Fate
    The air was calm and cool that day in September along the rocky shores of Dewford Town in Hoenn, and all was peaceful. A single figure of a limber, feminine structure walked along the shoreline alone, dressed merely in a long-sleeved dark blue casual shirt and khaki pants; barefoot to enjoy the water brush against her feet. Her locks of a brown close to ebony and dark blue blew gently from the breeze, eyes of a green hazel widened in amazement behind silver glasses. The choker around her neck was black and bore a Celtic cross, and in each ear were three small silver loops which lightly jingled by her steps. This was Laura Deirdre, a young girl who had recently turned the young age of 15. Because of boredom striking her, she was taking a walk along the shoreline.

    She stretched her arms outward before her walking turned into a light jog, and all seemed well for her. She sensed destruction to soon arise out of this calm perfection. However, it all slowed down as she was stopped by a masculine figure adorned in black and spikes. His hair and eyes were both an eerie dark brown. This was Mike Hetfield, someone that was considered a very good friend of hers until around past July when communications slowed down. However, also with Mike was somebody else; a girl not much older than Laura with bluish eyes and light brown hair, adorned in a sleeveless white top and a rather short skirt of crimson and ebony plaid design.

    “Um…Hi, Mike…” Laura began startled in her quiet voice, wondering who this girl was. “It’s been awhile…”

    “Yeah, about that,” Mike replied, rolling his eyes sarcastically. “You see, I’ve thought over this a lot…no, very little. You see, I found Fiona here to be much more suitable for me, so I’m going to leave you with this one comment: I hate you, I always hate you, and may love never come to you.” Laura’s eyes widened with fear as the two began to knock her into the ocean floor; and it was hurtful considering the water was shallow. As the two strode off beyond the horizon, Laura was left to miserably cry in agony. Why this? Why did she have to experience such an experience? And was Mike right that love will never come to her? Soaking wet, the sobbing young girl ran back towards her home, face buried in her hands.

    Past everywhere that mattered in Dewford she turned to a house next to the gym and ran in; this was her home, the home of her uncle, Brawly, the gym leader of Dewford Town. When she looked about the house, it seemed quiet and empty. As she checked the kitchen she found her uncle, lying on his side on the marble floor, eyes open as if with fear. Because of his motionless, Laura knew he was dead. Now almost everybody dear to her was gone, and she knew the world was against her, gasping, she quickly gathered clothing, a CD/mp3 player, some food, essentials, healing items, her ferry pass, and a few Poke’Balls into a bag and dashed out the door with her shoes on, calling for help. The streets were empty, as if they, too, were gone. She dashed for the docks with her pass, in order to get to Slateport City to find help.

    “To Slateport, please!!” Laura cried immediately once she got to the booth and rushed onto the ferry. Few people were on, and she assumed something had to happen if people were few in numbers. She gazed up to the TV screen

    “Is it the Black Death all over again? As it seems, apparently a third of Hoenn’s population has died of something much like the bubonic plague in the fourteenth century, possibly caused by the apocalyptic awakening of Kyogre and Groudon weeks earlier…” Boomed the speakers, which gave way to a story beyond both fantasy and reality. “However, it has taken toll of common people and gym leaders. We have lost so far five gym leaders from the plague: Roxanne Stonewall of Rustboro, Wallace Aquali of Sootopolis, Norman Harahura of Petalburg, Wattson Bridge of Mauville, and Brawly Deirdre of Dewford. Reports covering over Winona, Tate, Liza, and Flannery show that they are okay. Other casualties included the Elite 4, yet Steven Stone is showing signs of being okay. From Hoenn News, this is Ayumi Hitoyuri.”

    “I knew it…” She whispered to herself in misery, and whimpered quietly in agony. Since it would take about two hours to arrive in Slateport, there was probably nothing else to pass time but to sleep. She stretched herself out on the bench and placed the bag underneath her head, staring at the grey skies above her. The air felt too dry to bring rain, so she guessed it was okay to be out. With a final sigh, she closed her eyes, and dosed off.

    It was then she woke up, and knew the ferry arrived in Slateport. Grabbing the Poke’Nav from her pocket she checked the time: it was a few minutes passed 6 in the evening. The skies were clear and lightening up in color before sunset would arrive. She sat up with regained energy, sliding the device back into her pocket, and walked off the ferry into the beach. People seemed to be acting normal, and Laura guessed Slateport was a pocket of immunity. Trying to cut back on her grief, she walked in an oblique path from the city, towards the standing lighthouse of great design. It had a marble-like feel to it, showing that it was probably built back during the classical era, and off-white in color.

    “Because I know nobody in Slateport, I have no choice…” She whispered to herself, stepping inside and walking up the stairs until achieving the top. She stepped outside and looked down below, her possible grave. The tide was pulling back in, so she would be washed out to sea in hours. “Goodbye cruel, hateful world.” She took one final, deep breath and rushed towards the edge, jumping off and falling feet below. Closing her eyes, she felt the impact greatly, as she landed on soft, dry sand. Rolling onto her back, she realized it was no use; she now understood she had a purpose to fulfill, and there was probably no way for it to be done. With a sigh, she laid there with the cool sand beneath her, gazing towards the ocean, the sound somehow soothing her. Yet what she didn’t realize was that a lithe figure small and silver was walking towards her; this was an Absol, one that had nowhere else to go after being abandoned by her own family. This Absol was the runt, considering her grayish-blue eyes, lighter fur, and lithe structure.

    “Ab?” The Pokemon cried, looking towards Laura. Without response, she trotted over next to the girl and leapt to the other side, to get the attention.

    “Hello,” Laura responded, moving a hand towards her to scratch this new acquaintance underneath an ear. The Absol grinned, for she never felt such joy. “Were you abandoned, too?” The Pokemon nodded with a look of melancholy upon her face. Laura sat up and placed her within her lap, stroking her. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. Is it okay if I give you a name, perhaps Kikyo?” The newly-named Kikyo smiled with glee and snuggled within Laura’s lap, soothed by affectionate stroking.
    --------
    From overhead loomed a single armored bird and its trainer, a grey eyed, blue haired man of at least 30 years of age, dressed plainly. This was Steven Stone, at least as a pseudonym. Nobody knew his true surname, but they are aware that Steven is his name.

    “Airdrian, dive down.” He whispered to the Skarmory he rode on. The bird nodded and slowly sank downward, landing quietly on the sand. Steven leapt off and returned the beast to its Poke’Ball. Looking around, he enveloped the sea air.

    It’s rare occasions like these where a champion can just relax…. He thought to himself, before striding along the shoreline with no sense of worry to appearance, but deep down, his worries were about his niece, Laura. Because with Brawly gone, she was almost nowhere. Spotting a lone figure nearby, he dashed towards the girl, realizing it was Laura with an Absol. Relieved that she was okay, Steven slowed down towards stopping and knelt down beside her.

    “Hey,” Laura said quietly, realizing that Kikyo was asleep and that her uncle was beside her, “What do you want?”

    “Assuming the tone, you’ve heard…” Steven added, closing his eyes in remembrance of his younger brother, and resentment of his older sister, Laura’s mom. “I’m glad you’re okay, but all I know is that your mother doesn’t care…” He rested a comforting hand on Laura’s shoulder.

    Laura gave a faint nod of agreement, with the sudden assumption that Mike was laughing with joy because of her misery. She turned to her uncle and asked, “I know it seems a bad time, but I believe I should start the Hoenn League adventure, even if some of the leaders are gone…”

    “It’s alright, Laura. There will be replacements for the fallen soon…” Steven replied, slipping out of his pocket a notepad-like device, cobalt blue in color. “It’s a PokeDex that I had customized for you recently. I also registered you for the league, so there’s no hassle for going to the Pokemon Lab where many go daily.” Laura nodded, whispering quietly “Domo arigatou.” Steven smiled lightly as he stood up, helping Laura up. Kikyo remained sleeping within Laura’s arms, undisturbed.

    “Let’s get you started, then,” Steven said with faint enthusiasm, letting Airdrian out of the Poke’Ball. The Skarmory extended its wings and allowed Steven and Laura atop it. “Petalburg.” The bird of steel cried before taking off into the air. The air was as still while flying as it was on ground, so going was easy. Within minutes, they were above the small village known as Petalburg City. Airdrian let down into the village and Laura was on her way to the start of her long journey. The bird landed near the western edge of the village, quietly letting Laura step off as Steven remained on.

    “You know you can contact me by Poke’Nav if needed, and…uh…yeah.” Steven said, making sure that Laura was well-prepared. By the size of her bag, it seemed so. Laura waved a hand as a goodbye as Steven and Airdrian took off through the air. Kikyo woke up and climbed up onto Laura’s shoulder to rest. Laura smiled at Kikyo faintly before walking on the path covered by trees and the nearby Petalburg Woods. Regardless of what the road of the Hoenn League would offer now, Laura understood that this would also be her road to destiny.

    ...I'm not dead yet!

  2. #2
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Pretty good start. I like the uniqueness of a sudden plague; it hasn't been done recently. A lot of things seemed very abrupt, though, like Mike's betrayal and Laura's journey. What caused these decisions? Surely there must have been some reason. Maybe you could go into that later on.

    Good description here; we got a very clear picture of Laura. Some other elements could have been expanded on, but that's okay, as the need doesn't seem too dire.

    Nice start, and I'm looking forward to seeing where this will lead. See you next chapter!
    IT HAS RETURNED.
    THE TPM MAIN SITE.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

  3. #3
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Oye, took my forever to post. My computer kept messing up! But I finally am now! That was very good. Description and length were good for a start. I felt bad for Laura when she was getting told all those mean things. If I was her I would beat that guys butt, but then again its me.

    The whole talk of people and gym leaders dying is kinda freaky and dark which is perfect. Strange to go on a jounrey though. But this is creative and I like it. Keep it up!

  4. #4
    Where I live is purple. Elite Trainer
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Here's Chapter 2...

    Chapter 2: Empty Spot of the Eternal Rhythm

    The sun shown through the clouds down the forest of sycamore tress west of the village known as Petalburg, as our heroine and her new ally made their way on the path of soft dirt. As she still made her way with Kikyo resting on her shoulder, Laura was lost in thought over a plague passed by so fast over a large area and ended just like that; she remembered how after the plague made it from Johto and Kanto in 1347 via Slateport City and it took five years for it to spread as far east as Mossdeep City. She released a sigh, thinking about how weird things have been after the nearly apocalyptic battle between Groudon and Kyogre, but what silenced them after those hours? But how Absol is considered the Pokemon that warns humans of danger, dose that mean more is to come?

    The ocean nearby created a soothing sound, but agony in Laura’s heart for the fact Dewford Town was on the other side, miles away. Kikyo purred a slight bit against Laura, trying to cheer her up.

    “Thanks,” Laura said in a calm voice. As she continued walking along through grass and flowers, she eventually came to a point miles later where it started to darken: this was the start of Petalburg Woods as it was called to normal people. However, she recalled stories where it was called the Forest of No Return and Forbidden Forest…but those were early medieval myths, right? But she was one of the few who considered this the Black Forest. She gazed into Kikyo’s eyes, which started to glow in the lack of light. The murkiness plagued her sight for minutes, until it seemed a bit lighter, which was when her sight was adjusted for the darkness.

    “Well, we better continue until sundown,” Laura whispered, continuing her hike after the sudden pause. She gazed around through the thickening sycamore, pine, birch, and maple surrounding her, such variety as among the personalities of people she’s seen in her life, however much like people of her maturity range: not conforming and accepting the variety. With a faint smile at the peace, she turned back towards the path she was walking in, until she nearly tripped on an object of unknown identity. Her eyes widening, she let out a slight yelp, only to re-catch her balance a second or two later. She stopped and turned around to see what it was. Picking it up and examining it, she realized it was a shard, a shard used to revive Pokemon. Placing it within her bag of slate blue, she got back onto her own two feet and continued forward.
    -----
    “Mission almost complete?” A voice of a man boomed through the walkie-talkie.

    “Confirmed. We now have to find the victim.” Replied the speaker, a young girl with shoulder-length black hair worn down, and indigo eyes, adorned in sleeveless dark blue top and black capri-style pants. Turning it off and slipping the device back into her pocket. Leaning against the birch tree behind her, she saw her partner, a girl her age with mid-back length blonde hair tied into a ponytail and emerald eyes adorned exactly as she was.

    “So, how’d it go, Mieke?” She asked her, getting off the tree.

    “A-Okay, Tsukasa!” Mieke replied, raising her left hand into the Victory, or Peace, Sign. The Plusle rested on Mieke’s shoulder started dancing a bit for victory. Tsukasa and her Pokemon companion, a young Skitty, both rolled their eyes with the coincidence they were partnered with the wrong people. She had resented the boss since she was partnered up with Mieke, because they have nothing in common, but she hid the feelings only to keep her position. With a sigh, she glared in the opposite direction of the bubbly two, wishing she wasn’t here.

    -----
    “It’s so quiet…it’s eerie…” Laura whispered, confused why that she had been traveling through the forest for miles and nothing in sight; it was like as if everything here abandoned the place. Kikyo nodded, a bit confused on the silence of the forest. She paused for a minute as she heard the cries of a Plusle and a girl in the distance.

    “Wait a second,” She whispered again, beginning to rush forward, perhaps life ahead. When she got there, a mile or two later, she was encountered only by the duo. Confused, she sighed, wondering why uniformed people would be in such a place. Perhaps an attempt to stop somebody, maybe her? Not wanting to startle, she slipped forward carefully, only a few steps later to snap a twig below her foot.

    “What was that?” Tsukasa said, startled. She looked over to Mieke and told her they should see what the sound was. Gulping, Laura and Kikyo dived into the bushes nearby to avoid making contact with the duo, since she had only one Pokemon compared to them having one each.

    “Oh Tsukasa, you really need to lighten up. Stop taking so many drugs,” Mieke responded to Tsukasa after finding nothing, only to be cute.

    “Shut up you crazy little immature *****…” Tsukasa growled at her, chasing her off beyond the trees and away from Laura’s hiding place. Seeing it was clear, Laura let out a sigh of relief and stepped out of the bushes, through the opposite side of where she entered them. Kikyo smiled a bit, relieved that she wouldn’t have to battle two seemingly annoying Pokemon, based on the behavior of their trainers. After a few steps she sensed a silver glow looming from overhead, the moon. Laura couldn’t believe she only got a few miles through the forest.

    “Guess we’ll be camping here tonight, Kikyo…” She said, a bit depressed that all effort she put in got her almost nowhere in one day. She hoped by tomorrow they would make it through the Black Forest and to the ancient city of stone known as Rustboro, which was the birthplace of Gothic architecture in Hoenn. Setting her things down on the ground, she set out her silver sleeping bag, with her bag to the side. She slid under the cover and placed Kikyo by her. The smell of nature seemed to soothe her, so she would rest easily tonight.

    Kikyo smiled at Laura one last time before she slowly dosed off. However, Laura was left gazing at the stars and moon. Placing her glasses in a secure place within her sack, she felt tears gathering in her eyes over what had happened today; the betrayal, the death, it was heartbreaking for her. Once a few tears were shed, she closed her eyes and drifted into slumber.

    ...I'm not dead yet!

  5. #5
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Not bad. I liked the displays of emotion; that's always good. It'll be interesting to find out what Kikyo discovers regarding the "plague", as well as her reaction to it.

    Try working on your grammar a bit. There were several cases where you left out critical words like helping verbs, connecting words, and others. Also, try not to stray from your past tense format. On occasion you would use present tense in your narration, as in this case:


    But how Absol is considered the Pokemon that warns humans of danger, dose that mean more is to come?


    I've underlined the verbs for you. As you can see, every verb in this sentence is describing something that is happening presently. Thus, the term "present tense" applies. But in the majority of the chapter, you refer to things that have already happened with words such as "was" and "warned". (btw, those would be past tense replacements for the underlined words in this sentence.) You need to keep your narration in one tense or the other. Past tense is usually more prefer, so I suggest that you go with that.

    Just watch the tenses and make sure you don't leave out words. Well, see you next chapter!
    IT HAS RETURNED.
    THE TPM MAIN SITE.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

  6. #6
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Sorry Kikyo, I haven't read this yet. It's late, here at least, and if I start reading it I'll fall asleep. Not because it's boring, but it if look at large blocks of text.

    Quote Originally Posted by mr_pikachu
    But how Absol is considered the Pokemon that warns humans of danger, dose that mean more is to come?


    I've underlined the verbs for you. As you can see, every verb in this sentence is describing something that is happening presently. Thus, the term "present tense" applies. But in the majority of the chapter, you refer to things that have already happened with words such as "was" and "warned".
    Not so fast, I beg to differ. There's a tense, I don't know what it's called in english, but the best way I can describe it is tenative. Since what is stated is assumed to be pretty much permanent, it happened in the past, but is still in the present, and will be in the future, the tense Laura used is correct. I mean, think of it, does Absol no longer warn humans of danger and do something else? To me at least, past tense sounds funnier than present.

    ...sorry if that made no sense, like I said, it's late for me...

    always think...

  7. #7
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Quote Originally Posted by Sheila Rae
    Sorry Kikyo, I haven't read this yet. It's late, here at least, and if I start reading it I'll fall asleep. Not because it's boring, but it if look at large blocks of text.

    Quote Originally Posted by mr_pikachu
    But how Absol is considered the Pokemon that warns humans of danger, dose that mean more is to come?

    I've underlined the verbs for you. As you can see, every verb in this sentence is describing something that is happening presently. Thus, the term "present tense" applies. But in the majority of the chapter, you refer to things that have already happened with words such as "was" and "warned".
    Not so fast, I beg to differ. There's a tense, I don't know what it's called in english, but the best way I can describe it is tenative. Since what is stated is assumed to be pretty much permanent, it happened in the past, but is still in the present, and will be in the future, the tense Laura used is correct. I mean, think of it, does Absol no longer warn humans of danger and do something else? To me at least, past tense sounds funnier than present.

    ...sorry if that made no sense, like I said, it's late for me...
    To be completely honest, I'm not entirely certain on the rules of tentative tense, so I can't really explain that. However, I am certain that all verbs in a sentence must be of the same tense. In this sentence, you can be pretty certain that more is not still to come, since these events were in the past (hence the entire chapter being in past tense). Since that verb cannot be tentative, it must be in past tense. The other verb must match that tense, so it must also be changed to past tense. The result is this:

    But how Absol was considered the Pokemon that warned humans of danger, did that mean more was to come?

    It still seems a bit weird (partially owing to the fact that "how" should really be "since"), but I'm pretty sure that this is the grammatically correct way to say it. Sometimes things that are correct in English just look wrong. Such is the nature of this language. Go figure.

    Now that I think of it, it could be argued that Absol no longer exist in the present-day world, thus they would no longer warn humans of danger. That, I think, is the best reason why it should be in past tense. You can't be sure what condition the world is currently in, so you can't assume that since something happened consistently in the past, it still happens today. Things change, and you cannot assume continuity.
    IT HAS RETURNED.
    THE TPM MAIN SITE.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

  8. #8
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    I'm also confused about the tense. I think the word 'how' should be 'since', bit that's my opinion.

    Anyway, it's a great fic. I hope to see more of it in the future.
    Please take it easy~

  9. #9
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Not bad Kikyo, not bad at all.
    I'm in your dimensions, screwing with your reality!


  10. #10
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Chapter 3 up.

    Chapter 3: A Rusted Coup D’Etat

    The sun shined brightly upon the forest that morning around 7 o’ clock, its rays slowly awakening Kikyo. Feeling a sudden urge of hunger rushing through her stomach, she lightly prodded Laura for a few seconds. Laura immediately awoke with a yawn, feeling refreshed from what had bothered her the previous day. Stretching her arms outward, she sat up, and repacked everything as it was before. Kikyo looked to her trainer, her eyes telling the reason for the innocent look.

    “We’ll stop at the first stream out of this forest,” Laura told her with complete promise, “I have a canteen to fill.” Kikyo nodded and followed Laura at the side. Laura for unknown reasons had the feeling she’d be greeted in a rather cruel way within the next few hours, so she tried her hardest to keep a view on everything around her. The light morning breeze danced through the tallest of the trees forming some sort of ballad, if that was how it could be considered. Within a few minutes the winds picked up a bit, allowing her hair to sway to and fro, off her shoulder blades.

    About half an hour passed with silence between the two, almost seeming like forever. Every twitter of the bird Pokemon in the forest seemed to have Kikyo in awe. Laura was satisfied with her current surroundings, the smell of flowers and the trees filled the air which created a soothing feel, much like the incense she used to burn whenever saddened. She now had the feeling they were almost out of here, much closer to Rustboro.

    However, Laura was still within deep thought much like the previous day over this sequence of events happening coincidently one by one. It confused her, mostly by why it could happen just like that. She asked herself over and over again, about if what Mike said would be the truth, if this was proof God didn’t care about what would happen now, and if the plague and battle between the once-called legends is the prelude to something else, something far worse. But her thoughts altered after the prelude, as she found in her mind, buried deep down, the feel of the lyrics to a song, ‘Apocalypse Please’ by Muse. For some reason, she thought it perfectly suited Hoenn’s current situation. It was about time for a miracle, it was time for something biblical, and Hoenn needed something to pull them through the end.

    “This is the end, isn’t it?” She whispered, feeling an ominous force seem to linger. As her mind slowly fluttered to silence once more, a sudden rustle in the bushes rung out from the distance, followed by constant squawking. This immediately caught Laura’s attention as she began to rush forward, still followed by Kikyo. As it grew as loud as possible about half a mile away, she slowed herself down. Pausing to hear the sound once more to her right, she knelt down and delved into the leaves with her hands, eventually to find a Murkrow, whose feathers appeared greatly tainted from an unknown substance. The bird Pokemon cried in pain, as he tried to struggle out of the bush on her own.

    “Hold still,” Laura whispered in a soothing, calm tone, “I’ll help you out.” After about a minute or two of digging through the clump of grass, she managed to carefully and successfully pulled the Murkrow out, eventually getting a clear glimpse of cuts covering his body. As the crow slightly winced, Laura placed the bird lightly on the ground, asking to herself about who would’ve done this and why it happened. Kikyo, glancing at the Pokemon, turned towards her trainer and began to tell her about this.

    “Sol. Ab, Ab…Sol.” She said, which apparently meant “It appears he was bitten at the least. The bruises, not sure…possibly from being lunged at.” Laura nodded, and began to dig through her belongings. A few seconds passed before she pulled out a small bottle with a violet Poke’Ball symbol printed each side, a Potion.

    “Now, this might sting a little, but it’ll help.” Laura said within the tone previously used. Shaking the bottle, she squirted the spray on the Murkrow until it was empty. The bird whined only once, which faded into a cough, and then back to normal. Smiling, he waddled up onto Laura’s shoulder and laid a peck of infection on the cheek.

    “Your welcome.” Laura responded to the sign of gratitude, giving a faint smile. She then said that if he wanted, she could go back into the wild, but only received a sorrowful chirp to signify that the murder was killed off by mysterious-looking humans. Feeling his pain of losing family, Laura allowed the Murkrow to come with her, causing a wide smile across his beak.

    “I guess I’ll name you Alaric, then.” Laura said to her new companion, the crimson eyes of the bird whirling with delight. Re-gathering her belongings back onto her back, Laura continued on her way through the forest. The winds seemed to lighten up as the sun grew brighter all of the sudden about an hour later. Trying to shade her eyes with one hand, Laura gazed around. Nodding, it was official that she was out of the Petalburg Woods. Now she was only a few miles from Rustboro.

    Continuing onward for about a half-mile, Laura stopped and remembered that promise she had made to Kikyo earlier that morning, realizing she was right at a small, pure stream flowing from the nearby lake. She sat on her knees, slightly exhausted from her hike through the forest. Alaric leapt off of Laura’s shoulder and walked towards the stream, dipping his beak in for one sip. Kikyo, seeing the fun out of Alaric’s action, crawled over, picking at the rim of that hat of feathers on his head between the claws of her left forepaw, and pulled him out, dunking him back in seconds later.

    “Kikyo, stop,” Laura whispered calmly as she slowly pulled things out of her bag of mesh, colored in dark blue. First came a sack filled with what was apparently berries, followed by an empty canteen and a thermace with contents still warm. Drawing open the sack and withdrawing two pieces, she placed two soft, green berries on the ground and returned the sack to her bag. Kikyo and Alaric, both hungry, walked over slowly and ate away. Kikyo enjoyed the bitter taste of the Rawst Berry, while Alaric seemed to neither like nor dislike his share. Both satisfied with the food, they walked back over towards the edge of the stream and drank from it.

    As for Laura, she slowly opened her thermace and sipped the soup within, apparently potato-flavored. Continuing to drink a bit, she gazed out towards the horizon, feeling suddenly calmed by this desolate, lush serenity. Though the reason for this sudden peace was unknown to her, she still felt…safe. After a minute, she closed and placed the thermace back into her bag, reaching towards the canteen. Filling it to almost the top, she took a moment to sip the pure, natural water, before placing the cap back on to return it to the bag. Watching her two pokemon play with each other with a small and warm smile, she slid towards the edge and gazed in, a simple, complete reflection gazing back at her.

    Saddened by the appearance of a wan, dark-haired, dull-eyed girl that looked several years beyond her physical age within a short-sleeved dark top and wearing a necklace bearing the traditional symbol of her ancestors, she closed her eyes so she could avoid watching the tears roll down her ailing face.

    “I’ll sing it one last time for you, then we really have to go. You’ve been the only thing that’s right in all I’ve done…” She sung in a whisper that sounded as if she was shivering. The song was nothing more than ‘Run’ by Snow Patrol. Continuing to slowly sing the song at a tone Kikyo and Alaric couldn’t hear the grief in her voice, she slid her bag back onto her back and continued forward towards Rustboro, Kikyo behind her as Alaric rested on the bladelike bone extending from Kikyo’s head.

    Within her mind, Laura didn’t understand why serenity slowly turned into sorrow, as if that was the first time in history something like that had happened. Slowly trying not to focus on her thoughts, she opened her eyes and kept going, trying not to look back. As for Kikyo, she wondered about exactly why Laura had suddenly flushed silent. She purred a slight bit, trying to say, “It’s alright, Laura. Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad.” No response was made.

    This silence continued for almost an hour, which measured to be about a few miles for the trio. By then, Laura had grown tired and a bit weary of not seeing civilization. Closing her eyes at one moment, she was shocked to feel a cobblestone road beneath her feet instead of smooth dirt. Reopening her eyes, she looked around to see the stone streets, iron light poles, and dim grey skyline flashing with silver and bronze towers, both modern and medieval. What was in front of her was the beauty of Rustboro City; however it was silent with only the wind to hear.

    “Clearly this was one of the more ravaged regions,” Laura whispered to herself, looking around for any sign of people. Originally Rustboro had a population of 8 million, at least before the plague, where there might have been a great reduction. Going on forward, when she got to about the Pokemon Center there was a chatter of many voices in the distance. Shocked by the sudden commotion, her pace started to pick up as she dashed for almost a mile, where she found herself in front of a crowd with tens of thousands of people, mostly teenagers and young adults, were protesting. She read the banners and signs as they waved, many saying something along the lines of ‘Abattre D’Etat!’

    Bring down the government? What for? Laura thought to herself, the tarnished green of her eyes widening and growing darker. Before she could turn away, a young man with dark, somewhat shaven off hair and amber eyes dressed in a red hooded shirt and faded jeans turned to her and walked over.

    “Do you speak any French?” The young man asked, his eyes showing friendliness as his deep French accent rolled from his tongue.

    “Yes, but my accent is poor.” Laura replied, wondering what was to happen. Smiling, the man lightly grabbed her wrist and took her over. As they got into the crowd, he turned to her and whispered, “By the way, the name is Christophe.”

    “Mine’s Laura,” she said as her new acquaintance handed her a sign. With a grimace on her face, she reluctantly held up the protest sign low, as Christophe looked over.

    “You alright?” He asked, wondering why Laura held her sign a bit low. Trying to mouth out what her response was, her words couldn’t form. She simply nodded, as she remained in thought on why they chose to protest the government. Was it simply because of the plague they chose to? Remaining silent, she continued to hold the sign low, to not risk being hurt. Kikyo sensed Laura’s trouble, and stood by her to comfort her. With a smile passed between each other, they simply stood there within silence, buried beneath the shouts in French and some English with French accents.

    --------

    Back in Dewford Town, all seemed calmed within the sunlight soaking the rocky, dune-covered shores and emerald valleys. Within the center of town was what many didn’t enjoy seeing, a French restaurant. In the silence was the blurring of hard rock music much like new era Metallica and identical bands from a radio, surrounded by two figures, Mike and Fiona. They smirked at each other as they sat at an outdoor table, doing nothing but being themselves.

    “Goths and punks were meant for each other.” Fiona said, brushing the leafy green hair of her Pokemon, a small Ralts. “Ain’t that right, Jaimie?”

    “Ralts!” The childlike Pokemon said in an excited voice, a mischievous grin among her face. The dress that formed her body swayed to and fro in the sea breeze.

    “And Laura is a whiney little bitch who doesn’t know what she wants to do in life,” Mike responded, scratching his young Poochyena beneath its spiked collar which had the name ‘Lars’ engraved in it. Lars barked with glee, gazing around the lacelike tables of steel and glass.

    “What made you think of her, Mike?” Fiona asked, a bit confused with her boyfriend.

    With a smirk, he could only reply by saying, “I’ve been hatching a plot up, that we murder her.” Fiona nodded agreement, with a look asking him how they would attempt to murder Laura. Mike gave Fiona a look showing that when it came to the method of murdering her, he was undecided.

    Deep in thought, the lovers kept suggesting thoughts like stabbing and drowning, until their meal, crepes filled with fruit and topped with cream, arrived at their table. Even as they munched down on crepes and sipped coffee they suggested ideas towards each other until they reached an agreement: knock her senseless and throw her into the rivers of the cavern to the north of town, which would drown her. Grinning, the two and their Pokemon left after paying the bill, going to make preparations to allow their plot to come true.

    ...I'm not dead yet!

  11. #11
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Someone's gonna die (and I hope it's Mike). Good chapter Kikyo.
    I'm in your dimensions, screwing with your reality!


  12. #12
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Interesting chapter. I like the emotions involved within it. Well done there. Too many writers neglect emotions in favor of a fast, action-packed plot. That void in their works hampers them greatly. You've done well here with showing the emotions of Laura, as well as Mike and Fiona.

    I do think that your word choices could have been better in some cases. Many of the phrases in the narration seemed a bit forced. It may be a good idea for you to try to tell the narration in your own words, i.e. how you would tell the story if you were speaking to someone else about it. Then you can make edits from there to add the eloquence. Also, try to add more interesting material when you describe appearance. Instead of, "[She was...] within a short-sleeved dark top and wearing a necklace bearing the traditional symbol of her ancestors...", you could maybe have her hold her necklace and think about her ancestors, etc. You could tell a story behind the shirt, as well. Another option is to have an action upon those items as the story is told. Something like, "Her necklace bobbed up and down with each weary step she took," would be an interesting possibility.

    Otherwise, this is pretty good. I'm not sure where this is going, but I know Laura's going to get herself in far more trouble than she wanted. Keep this going; it's interesting so far. Well, I'll see you next chapter!
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  13. #13
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Hi, new reader here. I reckon your desciption's pretty cool, can easily picture everything. Your sense of atmosphere really enhances the fic, as it seems like we're seeing everything through Laura's serene, but slightly angsty self... I don't know, words fail me at this moment.

    Anyway, I think that while you've made some effort to show emotions with the characters, and you've done a pretty good job in showing the friendship between Laura and her Pokemon, and her sense of being lost, there are some things that could be improved on. For instance, it really doesn't show that Mike and Fiona hate Laura enough to kill her. It's also because we don't really see a reason why they should hate her so, as she hasn't done anything to them (or has she? That's a potential mystery), but the way the couple talk about her, it's just as if she's your average whiny idiotic ex-girlfriend. Really not enough to kill. The other thing that struck me kind of strange was how she felt so much grief because of the plague, but it seemed ythat she was depressed because of it in general, and not becuase it had killed her uncle; she didn't spend any time remembering him or anything, just wondering about the plague. Oh yeah, and the other thing I don't get is why Laura started her journey. I don't think that was explained enough. But whatever.

    In any case, keep writing. This definitely isn't the average trainer fic, and I like the emphasis being on emotions and thoughts rather than just battling and getting badges. Cool stuff.
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  14. #14
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Now that you mention, Kikyo does seem to be a stingy on the details.
    I'm in your dimensions, screwing with your reality!


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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    OK, I have returned after a month leaving TPM, but let's put that aside.

    Now, about the 3rd chapter...at least you make a progress on making one. It's a pretty good chapter. Altough I'm a bit confused, why would the two want to kill Laura, but I guess I have to wait for it. Also, I wonder what happened to the two girl in the forest in chapter two. What are they role, and will they come back? I guess I also have to wait...
    Please take it easy~

  16. #16
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Thanks for the comments people. Yeah, I know it does seem a bit confusing, but I'll put it this way: the two are just a good example of the average Floridian teenager; stereotypical and doesn't know how to solve anything without the use of violence. As for Mieke and Tsukasa, they'll be back around next chapter which I am around half-way near done.

    ...I'm not dead yet!

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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Now for comeback. Chapter 4.

    Chapter 4: Exposure to Ancient Runes

    “What do you mean you haven’t obtained anything?” the voice of an angry boss shouted through the walkie-talkie, unheard due to the protests, “Do you really want to be returned to the Grunt level?”

    “No!” Mieke shouted with a bit of sadness, her waves of cornflower bobbing with every movement she made.

    “You can’t!” Tsukasa replied, growing a bit angry as well as shocked. “Especially when we tried. After all, this is our first mission.”

    Grunting, the boss suppressed his anger and calmed down again, “You’re right. I’ll give you one last try. This time if you don’t take either information or a Pokemon, you’re in for it. One week is all you have.” Ending the message, Tsukasa mutter a few swear words under her breath as Mieke began to slightly whimper. As Tsukasa turned her head to glare, Mieke stopped right at that moment, not wanting to risk another chase. Sighing, Tsukasa then turned back and started walking towards the south, wondering if she’ll be able to sneak into the building. Mieke, seeing she was being left behind, rushed ahead to meet up with her partner.

    “Where are we going, Tsukasa?” Mieke asked, her emerald eyes glinting with curiosity.

    “I don’t know.” Her partner replied, immediately glancing back and forth. As the roar of the crowd got larger, Tsukasa looked up to realize exactly what building they were in front of: an abandoned church, clearly of gothic architecture. Thoughts ran through their heads as they decided what they would do: sneak in unnoticed and startle any unexpected trainer or scientist that comes in.

    With unison grins on their faces, the duo quietly walked through the shadows until they reached an alley, placing them behind the church. Opening the door and closing it behind them, they walked into the ancient building and glanced around at the olden ‘bible for the illiterate’, stained glass windows.

    “Are you sure God would approve of this?” Mieke asked, mesmerized by the art crafted of glass.

    Tsukasa, shrugging her shoulders, quietly replied, “Beats me.” Glancing for an idea, she finally came across the altar, surrounded by unlit candles, between a tapestry hung on the wall and in front of it, the true treasure out of this: a book, fairly old and chipping pages, resting in a glass case undisturbed by time.

    “Perfetto!” The duo shouted in Italian, slowly creeping their way towards the case without a sound. They began to carefully lift the only walls protecting the historic tome as Tsukasa slipped it into her palms, embracing the velvet-like texture of its cover. She could see the knot-like patterns carved into the front cover as her nimble hand drew towards the first few pages.

    “What do you think it is, Tsukasa?” Mieke asked, her eyes widening with curiosity.

    “I, for sure, don’t know.” Tsukasa replied, her eyes glued to the illegible text hidden inside, “I’m guessing it’s some sort of spell book or religious book, but what do I know?” With a sigh, she turned to Mieke and nodded, signaling that they should leave right at that instant into the wilderness. Leaving the building towards the mountains near the northern edge of the city, they made their escape.

    -----

    The protests of anti-establishment continued to ring through the skyline from their positions outside the governmental building, heard within miles out of the city limits. Still in a shy, confused, and reluctant position, Laura remained quiet, near the complete opposite of her French-speaking acquaintance, Christophe, who was holding his banner high and shouting out anarchy-related sayings. It all seemed as if she wasn’t there, and in her thoughts she deeply wished she wasn’t there; mainly because she didn’t know what the protest was for, and because she was, deep down, embarrassed to speak French in her accentless voice.

    With a sigh with clear anguish, she threw the sign to the ground and turned towards Kikyo and Alaric, which signaled to them that she was leaving and they should follow her. Unnoticed, Laura and her two companions left the area, slipping away into the distance.

    Alaric, slightly confused, chirped to simply say the question Laura didn’t really want to hear at the moment “Where to go now?”

    Slightly shrugging her shoulders, Laura could do nothing but look, not having an idea. All she knew was that they felt they should leave, especially before something more stressful and confusing starts to happen. Out of random, her right foot slightly trembled and slid ahead of her, as if it was guiding her. She looked ahead to see exactly what direction was ahead, the north. In attempts to wash out these thoughts, she could do nothing but go in that direction.

    Deep in her mind, Kikyo sensed a feeling of something paranormal ahead in their direction. Her problem was that she couldn’t sense if it was either harmful or helpful. All she could feel was the fact that it was indeed emitting an aura of magic. Lightly bobbing her head to erase the feeling, she continued to follow Laura. Alaric couldn’t feel anything of this distant aura, but what he did feel was the sense of stress and sorrow that all along Laura was hiding. He didn’t feel like bothering her because he knew there would be no response.

    Laura, feeling empty of anything to say, still continued ahead. Inside, she felt that all her emotion was like what the world would be like after the apocalypse; completely empty, regardless of how some will say something like “Hey, I’m going kayaking after the nuclear holocaust. Want to join me?” Shaking her head to drain out the nauseating political thoughts that were beginning to hatch, Laura could only continue on her away. A light breeze brought cold air to her back which had perspired for some time, slightly soothing this inner stress.

    The distant voices of protests continued through the time it took her to reach the northern edge of the city, looming far into the mountains, the forest to the east, and into the chilling seas of the west. The lingering feeling of future violent acts came to place as she remembered that one day back many years ago, which happened on coincidental grounds. The news which happened that one day, sometime when a fresh school year began, was what pulled her into political grounds. The unsettling news of the hostage situation in Saffron City, all alternating with physical and Pokemon violence, had come back to her. The footage of blood and sounds of screams began to slowly inch their terror towards her spin.
    Gasping for a second to sedate her mind, she turned back towards the towering pillars of rock and ice forming a feeling of being trapped within that lied in front of her. Clutching her fists until they were firm enough to greatly slow passing air and loosening them once more, she blocked out the noise and continued onward, reminiscing all the acts of terrorism that had happened in her lifetime. From the hostage situation in Saffron and the resurrection of Team Rocket that controlled all Johto radio waves for hours, to the recent attempts of altering the climate by the groups Magma and Aqua, the visions all seemed to ebb into each other, like they were somehow related, even to these rising amounts of action.

    A few minutes passed before Alaric fluttered from his place on Kikyo’s head and onto Laura’s shoulder, seeing if this could comfort the raging angst in his trainer he felt earlier. With only a slight coo, he rested as they crossed near the edge of a cirque formed from glacial erosion long before anything of this began; back when it was a mere figment of imagination. The formations starting to enchant him, he gave a slight smile before turning back towards the indigenous evergreens embodied in fields of hardy grasses and wildflowers.

    As the band of “warriors” slowly made their way up a gradually increasing slope, they eventually found themselves parallel alongside a stream of milky blue. Far behind them was the tapering skyline of Rustboro, the final buildings and nameless towers beginning to melt into the horizon. Laura suddenly felt slightly relieved with the presence of city life fading from her. Out here she could be free and live in solitude, in which nobody would probably care much. But she knew what would have to be done first: find the sources of this crisis, get completely over the past, and float on.

    Calm was how a chilling breeze came in, kissing the faces of Laura and her two Pokemon. Their trek was paused by sounds that, to Laura, seemed somehow familiar. Her ears suddenly blocked out all sounds but these voices, eavesdropping on this conversation.

    “So, Tsukasa, any idea on what to do with this book?” A shrill, slightly childish voice asked. Recognizing as the voices from the forest, she slowly crept closer until she came across a thick pine, which was quite close to this conversation. Peeking from hiding place, she saw the two girls, around the same age and height, talking. What intrigued her was the book in the hands of the raven-haired girl, apparently the one the blonde-haired girl was referring to.

    “No idea yet, Mieke.” Replied the one apparently named Tsukasa, “Should we sell it or turn it in to the boss?” A bit thoughtful, Mieke’s lip quivered as she looked around, swearing she could’ve heard a rustle from the nearby tree.

    “Hey, Tsukasa, I could’ve sworn I heard something. You wanna go and check?”

    As her shoulders tightened a slight bit, Tsukasa shrugged and said, “I guess we can.” Realizing that she was in definite trouble, Laura could do nothing more than stifle a small cry as the two girls encountered her. Turning around by their presence, she became a bit timid and unwilling to respond as a feeling of tension overcame her.

    “Eavesdropping, I believe?” Tsukasa asked in the type of voice of a witch or seductress.

    Gulping, she could only give a meek nod and say, “Well, not exactly. It’s a bit hard to explain. You see, I was…”

    “Enough!” Mieke shouted, trying to get the same kind of response as Tsukasa did. Something inside Mieke told her that this girl had no idea, but didn’t know how to explain that to her partner. The duo looked over and nodded, Tsukasa reaching for the Poke’Ball in her pocket.

    “So this little conversation my partner and I had remains a secret, I’ll battle you; one on one.” Tsukasa challenged with the same voice tone. “My Pokemon, against your Absol.” Laura nodded quietly in acceptance, knowing she had no other choice. Tsukasa, enlarging the orb in her palms threw it in front of her as a beacon emerged, eventually materializing into a rose-colored kitten, her Skitty. Kikyo stepped forward, glaring with wonder at the kitten. The Skitty pulling back into a defensive position and hissing, the battle commenced.

    “Tsuke, try growling at this Absol!” Tsukasa demanded, causing the kitten to obey the commands given to her. With a cute purr, Tsuke tried to flatter Kikyo, which seemed to have failed, but the feline still felt a bit pressured. Laura, a bit pensive over not knowing any of Kikyo’s moves, merely called out one of Absol’s earlier attacks in battle. “Leer.” She whispered, as Kikyo began to glare more dartingly at her opponent, which showed no obvious effect, but managed to lower defensive capability.

    “Quick Attack.” “Tackle!” The two contestants both crept back before leaping into the air. Skitty and Absol darting at each other, Kikyo managed to tackle Tsuke over, her claws holding close to the kitten. Bearing fangs at each other, the two Pokemon separated and continued in a glare fight, barely a twitch from either of them. Without any commands given, Tsuke leapt at Kikyo once more, her claws and fangs bearing down onto the helpless, unaware Absol. As a slight amount of blood oozed its way from the scars made on her neck, Tsuke leapt down again, her blood-stained body continuing to remain strong. Kikyo, a bit weakened, winced and tried to hold on.

    “Kikyo, don’t lose faith.” Laura said, trying to give confidence to her partner. “Try anything you can. Scratch, Bite, or Tackle…something.” Nodding her head, Kikyo lowered her head and dashed ahead towards Tsuke, her blade ramming against the lithe body. With eyes flushing with hatred, the Skitty got back onto her feet, still having quite a good amount of energy in her. She darted again at Kikyo, leaping up and slashing foreclaws at her, leaving a small, bloodless scar at her shoulder. With her eyes widening, Kikyo backed off and charged once more at the helpless kitten.

    The two combatants groveled on the ground with the pain inflicted by their wounds. The silvery white hairs of her fur glistening with crimson, Kikyo managed to pick back up onto her forelegs and crawled a slight bit until she picked herself back up with her hind legs. For a few moments she watched Tsuke struggle to get her small body back up. By the time Tsuke regained her balance and ready to attack again, the trainers and Pokemon had realized there was a sudden blockage of the sun and chill of temperatures. At that time, Laura looked up to see a droplet of water which splashed on her face, rapidly freezing over right near direct contact. Seconds passed as more and more of these rain droplets fell down, changing into solid ice exactly as the first drop did.

    Seeing the trouble that could happen if this battle continued, Tsukasa called to her only Pokemon, returning Tsuke to her niche in her Poke’Ball as swiftly as she had emerged. Trying to run through the frozen grass, Tsukasa shouted before they faded beyond the horizon, “Remember this, girl! We’ll probably kill you if anybody finds out about this!”

    Before long, Laura saw Alaric shivering and Kikyo a bit miserable by the chills sent through her open wounds. With complete sympathy, she managed to pull from her bag a Poke’Ball, a dark grey scarf and a sweater of an inky black color. Calling her Murkrow into the orb, she then turned to Kikyo whose wounds seemed to have near completely dried.

    “Don’t worry; I can always wash out the stain.” She whispered to give her Absol confidence, gently wrapping the shirt and scarf around Kikyo to protect the wounds whilst keeping her warm. After assuring herself that everything seemed secure, Laura continued forward, eventually finding herself in strife against the cold. Freezing in the mountains like this reminded her of all the children who had died around this part of Hoenn when carrying out the Fifth Crusade, the children much younger than her. Sighing, she continued on her way, the cold rain dampening and freezing her clothing.

    “Why this type of weather so early?” she asked herself, remembering how on average sleet and snow normally didn’t occur until at least early November, but it was well near the end of September. She didn’t have any theoretical explanations to this, but all she knew was that El Nino never affected Hoenn. Or did it? Shrugging, she shook her head and continued until she tripped, falling onto her face. Her warm tears melting some of the ice below her reddened face, she tried to pull back up, but just simply couldn’t at the moment.

    “It’s useless, Kikyo,” Laura said, sounding as if she saw not one beacon of hope. “I just can’t go on.” Silently whimpering to herself, she suddenly felt something underneath her. Eyes widening, she slowly crept backwards until her eyes met a small book. Something inside her told her that it could as well be that same book that the duo had when she saw them.

    Managing to herself up so she could sit, she picked up the tome, feeling the significant thickness as her hand reached the bottom end. Somehow managing to forget the patterns wisely carved into the front cover, she carefully turned the pages, gazing with intrigue at the ancient text written inside. Some illustrations whose morbid details stood clearly out began to appear.

    When her senses returned, she closed the book and secured it among her other belongings. Somehow unable to find the ability to stand up, she could only fall onto her side, her eyes listlessly staring into the darkened sky. Over time, she could’ve sworn she saw a pattern of colorful lights across the sky. Not long after that, her eyes closed from fatigue and she fainted.

    Kikyo, a bit concerned, laid next to her trainer once she passed out. Thinking about it, she thought that on its own, Laura’s body was resting in order to restore energy. But something told her that her human friend’s soul certainly didn’t feel okay. Noticing a sudden paling of Laura’s flesh, Kikyo took the sweater off her body using her teeth and carefully placed it over her. Nestling closely to keep her warm, Kikyo was certain that they, somehow, will manage to brave their way through this somewhat chaotic storm. Feeling she should do the same, Kikyo laid her head down, trying to rest whilst enduring the cold.

    ...I'm not dead yet!

  18. #18
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Now, this is an interesting chapter.

    Now we know why Laura always having those pessimistic thought...

    The length is pretty ok, maybe a bit too long for me, but that's just me. The storyline and events are pretty decent. Man, I don't know what to see, but it's a good chapter. I hope to see more of this.
    Please take it easy~

  19. #19
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Hmm... the plot is slowly developing, bit by bit. I didn't expect the criminals to drop that book, but I guess they were in too much of a panic to care.

    It's interesting how the characters are devloping. Laura seems a bit withdrawn, but still kinda strong. I have a feeling her strong spirit will show eventually. It'd be nice to have some more development for the others, but I guess they're not the main focus of this fic, anyway.

    Nice plotline, and good job with the detailed descriptions. Most of this chapter was easy to picture, thanks to those. The battle was pretty good, as well.

    You're doing alright so far. I like the description, and Laura's character is coming along nicely. Just don't forget the others. Well, I'll see you next chapter!
    IT HAS RETURNED.
    THE TPM MAIN SITE.

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    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

  20. #20
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Oh yeah, forgot to say this. Nice usage of emotions here. Especially between Laura and her Pokemon.

    But one thing that I'm confused: Does a hostage situation/ nuclear holocaust is connected with politics? I'm not so good about politics, I may be wrong...

    Well, see you in next chapter!
    Please take it easy~

  21. #21
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Yup. It sort of does, and I have a reason. The time I was writing that segment, there seemed to be only one thing of television or radio: the second debate between Bush and Kerry. Those words somehow managed to make its way into the story, so I just went with the flow.

    And the hostage thing in Saffron in there, it sort of relates to the Silph thing in RBY.

    ...I'm not dead yet!

  22. #22
    Where I live is purple. Elite Trainer
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Chapter 5 already? I'm on a roll...

    Chapter 5: Irony of Lost Dreams

    ["You're so good at pretending everything is alright. You're as welcome as cancer, but my door is always unlocked." ~Matchbook Romance - Playing for Keeps]

    Mieke and Tsukasa stopped and heavily caught their breath, seemingly far from the rippling blizzard they nearly had to stand right in the middle of. Sliding onto her knees with exhaustion, Mieke sighed with relief, a bit confused of where they exactly were. But location was not what really mattered. What she really wanted to know is why Tsukasa seemed so tense.

    “Damn. We couldn’t have lost it like that…could we?” Tsukasa muttered as she checked every pocket on her clothing.

    “Lose what?” Mieke asked, somewhat playing dumb.

    “You know. The…” right after that word, Tsukasa froze, knowing what must have happened. A dark, sullen scowl suddenly appeared on her face. “We lost it, didn’t we?” Quite aware of what was going to happen, Mieke stood up and laughed a bit sheepishly. Tsukasa began to snarl under her breath, upset that her attempts at success tragically ended without warning. Mieke began to run away from Tsukasa, wishing that her boss partnered her with somebody more used to failure.

    -----
    As the sunlight appeared once more, the alpine valley glinted like a small diamond in a show case. With chaos seemingly ceased, Kikyo allowed her body to become tense before loosening once more, feeling somewhat refreshed. With soft grey eyes she gazed around the area, seeing if all was normal. She carefully pulled away from Laura, shocked by the ice that completely covered the area. Through this calm period began a quiet moan of refreshment from behind. Turning around, Kikyo watched her trainer start to awaken from her period of unconsciousness. The color beginning to flush into her skin once more, Laura opened her eyes and felt a bit insecure by being face-to-face with the ice coating the lenses of her glasses.

    “Is September over yet?” Laura asked out of immediate random. Kikyo could only reply with a look said that she was feeling a bit awkward. Sighing, Laura began to slowly pick herself up to where she was sitting erect. Gingerly removing her glasses from their niche on her nose, Laura began to carefully scrape the ice off the lenses and thin silver frames, only to relocate them back onto her face afterwards. Looking around the valley, she felt no urge to continue forward because her gut feeling made her feel that north of there could be much worse than her location. Sighing, she rolled the sleeves of her shirt until they reached her elbows, tied the sweater around her waist, and stood up. Feeling relief by the warmth circulating through her legs, she turned south and began her trek back down towards Rustboro and maybe even back to Dewford.

    Kikyo was in awe by the frozen damage to the shrubbery of the mountain range, mainly by the poppy flowers which looked as if they were weeping. She noticed that once they passed the first few trees south of the cirque that the frost sharply declined. Looking ahead, she saw the soft rusted color of Rustboro below the final few knolls. Something made her feel that as they experienced the inevitability of the sleet, there was more peril down in the city.

    Briskly crossing over from the dirt back onto cobblestone, Laura looked around shocked to here absolutely no shouts at all. Was the protest long over? Taking a deep breath, she walked on her way to investigate the end of what she thought would be a long protest. She found herself in front of the newspaper stand outside of a gas station, gazing at the largest headline of a perhaps very fresh edition.

    “Hundreds killed, more injured during anti-government rallies…” She whispered to herself, gazing at the newspaper with confusion. Somehow, she felt both relieved and tense of this situation. Relief from the fact she wasn’t among those killed, but felt rising tension from the fact she found herself sympathizing with these casualties. With her eyes carefully tracing the words at a swift pace, she found herself looking at the date right after the article ended. Apparently it was “tomorrow” for her, but it seemed a day had passed since her frozen blackout. Shrugging her shoulders, she kept reading the other headlines, including something about final death estimates of the plague and a worthless publicity stunt by a celebrity.

    “Hey, take it or leave it!” A shout with a thick accent rolled from the somewhat open station door. Not knowing how to respond, Laura breathed deeply once more and responded with the best she could respond.

    “Never mind. I’m leaving!” She responded, walking off with Kikyo in consideration of such anger just because a simple article caught somebody’s eye. Continuing with no other thought about, she continued down the somewhat empty streets. Passing the medieval towers and modern skyscrapers one by one, she found her at a slight bit of ease right before she crossed into the southern section of the city.

    She felt something was incomplete before she continued, but the thought almost immediately hit her. Turning towards the right, she walked over towards the Pokemon Center in order to restore what energy Kikyo might have lost. Entering through the sliding glass panels marking the entrance of the red and white building, she quietly walked to the counter with her beloved Absol at her side.

    “Just this Pokemon?” The nurse asked in a calm, warm voice. Laura answered with a nod, telling Kikyo to go through the small gates which lead to a machine. The doctor carefully unwrapped the scarf that still lingered on her neck. Without a word, she examined the wounds from the battle with that girl’s Skitty.

    “I see you had a battle, possibly in that dreadful storm of freezing rain. You cared to do something temporary with the wounds as well.” She said with some curiosity. “You care for this Absol, don’t you?” With a quiet nod, she looked at Kikyo as if she were to say “It’ll be okay.” With her eyes widening with amazement as small wires were strapped around her wounds, Kikyo understood what was going on. Expecting shock from these wires, she was relieved to feel an energy that gave way to regeneration. A sigh of relief from both Laura and her Absol, the doctor slowly pulled the wires off Kikyo’s body.

    “We hope to see you again, miss.” The nurse said in the same voice, handing Kikyo back to Laura. Quietly thanking the compassionate nurse and bidding a final farewell, Laura crossed out the door once again. Exchanging quiet smiles between each other, Laura allowed her Pokemon back onto the ground again.

    “So, what do you think about heading back down to Dewford?” Laura asked, feeling a small drop of reluctance in her words. Kikyo responded almost immediately with a nod, only because she had never seen Dewford before in her life. Sighing, Laura continued on her way south, emotions bobbling almost as much as her body and choker.

    The anxiety grew higher and higher as she found herself retracing her steps through the change back onto the old dirt pathway, across the lone bridge over the lake, and back near that same stream her reflection began taunting her. Somehow she felt rather hurt inside by all these flashbacks, only because she was heading in the only direction down a boulevard of broken dreams. Trying her hardest to keep strong, she crossed back into the Black Forest.

    Laura felt this part wouldn’t be rather hard, only because the steep ledges in the woods favored going in the south direction. Nodding towards Kikyo when she found herself near the first ledge, the girl increased her speed of travel, jumping down each ledge one by one, Kikyo following behind her with the same speed increase. A smile appeared on both of their faces, feeling as if this would be the last adrenaline rush for quite a while in unison.

    Little time passed before they broke through the same barrier of trees they crossed through day earlier. The duo began to gradually slow down as they crossed over the finally ledge, plopping to the ground with several pants for breath. Once more they exchanged tired, smiling glances before continuing down their way. But in a sudden sweep of seeing an invisible, ominous aura, she felt that if she were to head back towards Dewford, something perilous might happen.

    But as I learned through grade school: When the Motherland calls, you can’t help but go towards her”. Laura thought to herself with a sense of worry and confidence blended into a single unidentifiable emotion. Walking quietly along the silent shoreline for a few moments, she became stumped by exactly how she would cross the sea. It wasn’t long before she came across a simple answer from the gods: a boat that appeared somewhat salvaged, but still appearing to be sturdy. Walking closer, she could see something that truly caught her eye, which appeared to Kikyo as a “simple longbow with arrows” and a “grey-colored charm”. But to Laura, she felt as if she recognized the bow and charm from somewhere, but the memory simply couldn’t hit her mind.

    As the two comrades slowly crawled into the small wooden vessel, Laura immediately grasped the hold of the bow, embracing the sturdy feel of the wood from which it was magnificently carved from. Basing from the pale white color of the wood and the strong feel of the bow, she immediately saw that this bow was carved from a sycamore. Removing her hands put her in awe of the majestic wolf carved into the hold. Carefully placing it down on the floor of the boat, she stared, until the coracle shifted with an incoming wave and drifted out into the savage sea.

    “It appears Motherland did call after all,” Laura whispered with a sigh after dropping the pendent in the sack with her other belongings, lying against the side of the boat using her bag as a pillow. Her head softly nestled into the false pillow as dark as night, her eyes gazing towards a perfectly blue sky dotted with random graying clouds. Thinking that her trainer would fall asleep, Kikyo tried hard not to roll her eyes, remaining seated along the opposite end of the coracle.

    Silence passed between the duo for a long time, until Laura seemed a bit bored, which resulted in her eyes starting to lull constantly. Regardless of how tired she was, a migraine lingered for so long it was driving her insane; not even allowing her to fall asleep. With what she could muster, she tried to wait out the inner pain without tampering with pills. Minutes passed and the pain subsided, allowing a sigh of relief. Kikyo could only watch the sea water to kill time.

    Almost an hour had faded before the coracle containing the two brushed upon the shores of Dewford with a silent, sturdy thump onto the beach. Immediately getting up, the two were relieved to see something besides the sky and the water. Laura slid her arms through the thin shoelace-like straps of the bag, managing to slide the sheath of her new longbow and its arrows onto her back as well. The two quietly walked northward, traveling along the edge of a cliff towering over the coastline in a legendry way. She looked towards the lone mountain coated with a thick mist. With a sigh of relief to be among the familiar lush green cliff, something from behind seemed to end this sudden feel of “home”.

    “Looks like the wimp has a wimp she sided with.” A shrill voice of familiarity squealed with pleasure. Knowing exactly who it was, Laura immediately stopped in her footsteps with a chill jolting down her spine. Gathering up some confidence, she turned towards the two she wanted to encounter the least: Mike and Fiona.

    “And she thinks a longbow is going to help.” Mike added while howling with laughter. “C’mon, she’s obviously having her midlife crisis at fifteen years old basing from this.” While the two lovers grinned and tried hard to quell their joy, Laura’s eyes slanted in a peevish manner. Whipping up a quick reply, Laura tried to hold back her thick dark hair from covering her eyes too much.

    “You are aware that you’re the real pathetic ones, right?” Laura began, causing Kikyo to inch closer towards the encounter. “I mean, using bracelets like teenybopper boy bands calling themselves ‘goths’ to hide where they slit their wrists? It’s just not right, especially when you claim you’re different from anybody in teenage magazines. Guess what? Wake up and see that those boy bands of yours are smack right on the covers of the ‘trendiest’ of magazines.” The orbs of grayish blue that rested on Kikyo’s face suddenly widened as if she were to say “Owned.” Mike and Fiona could do nothing more than become furious. They whispered something that Laura couldn’t make out, but it defiantly about her for sure.

    Turning back towards their “rival”, Mike said with a somewhat shocked expression, “You’re more of a whiney bitch than I thought…” Fiona pointed with enragement which caused the red and black rubber-like bracelets to slide down her arm and revealed what seemed to clearly be scars from wrist-slitting, then ran off as much as her skirt and Converse tennis shoes allowed her to. Mike soon followed, trying to ignore the sluggish act of his combat boots and chains. Laura and Kikyo watched as they crossed into the mist clinging to the air around the cliff. Nodding towards each other, they began to run in the same direction as the lovers did, wanting to know exactly what caused them to run off.

    ...I'm not dead yet!

  23. #23
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    So the whole world seems to be suffering from this "plague"... people are dying left and right, and in the midst of it all, Laura, Mike and Fiona are in the middle of a quarrel. Not sure if it's entirely realistic, but it still provides some nice contrast to the situation. Good bit with the boat trip, as well; you didn't dwell on it too much, just enough for us to get the picture. Well done.

    I like how the plot is slowly developing, and how you're fearlessly plunging the world into chaos. I wonder what could come of this, though... will anyone do anything to stop the madness? Or will everything be destroyed?

    I do think a tad more time could be spent editing, though. Some of the word choices could have been improved, especially in examples like this:

    “Is September over yet?” Laura asked out of immediate random.

    Here, "random" isn't really appropriate; "randomness" is actually the correct form of the word to use. Also, there were a couple of occasions where uncommon words were repeated needlessly in close proximity to each other. It's usually best to use a variety of words, even if some of them mean the same thing. That keeps the readers on their toes.

    I like how this is going, though. We still don't have a definite goal for Laura to strive for, but the situation is becoming more and more defined. It's almost as if you're simulating Laura's feelings for us, since we're in the dark about what's going on just as much as she is. Nice idea. Anyway, I'll see you next chapter!
    IT HAS RETURNED.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

  24. #24
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Alright, a pretty good chapter...I don't know what to comment. It'd be interesting to see what is causing Mike and Fiona to run away.

    So, is wrist-slitting some sort of trend? I'm not good on these trend things. What's it like, I didn't quite understand that.

    Other than that, it's okay.
    Please take it easy~

  25. #25
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Quote Originally Posted by darktyranitar
    So, is wrist-slitting some sort of trend? I'm not good on these trend things. What's it like, I didn't quite understand that.
    Actually, it's a form of masochism. (Masochism is where people actually derive a sort of pleasure from being in pain...) Basically, the idea is that the pain of the cut in a person's wrist takes their mind off the stress of day-to-day life. Apparently it works to some extent, because some people become essentially addicted to this self-mutilation. But trust me, masochism is not something you want to try. Seriously. Don't mess with it.
    IT HAS RETURNED.
    THE TPM MAIN SITE.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

  26. #26
    Where I live is purple. Elite Trainer
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Well, the popularity seem still standing...and I managed to get in the next installment.

    [Mini-Disclaimer - darktyranitar gave me permission to use the newest addition to the cast. Thanks goes to him.]

    Chapter 6: Dragon Child and Angst Management

    ["Direness, familiar to my slaughterous thoughts, cannot once start me." ~William Shakespere - Macbeth]

    “I’m not willing to fight you only because of what’s going on in the world,” Laura shouted out once she caught up with Mike and Fiona. “These are highly emotional times, and that doesn’t mean you need to try and start more mishaps.” The breeze picked up in order to give the scenery a clear ominous feel. In her mind, Laura sensed that something will end up happening, but exactly what would come was a true mystery. Kikyo stepped forward and lowered into a defensive position, slowly beginning to bare her fangs. Skittish, the duo began to reach towards their belts to release their Pokemon, but Mike had second thoughts and thought over it.

    “Hold that thought.” He said, looking towards Fiona. “How about we take her on by ourselves?” Nervous, Fiona gulped and shook her head, replying with simply “I feel like I’m cramping up.” Shrugging his shoulders, he once more lowered his hand towards a single Poke’Ball on his person. Almost synchronized in action, the lovers pulled off their Poke’Balls and pressed each button in unison, causing enlargement of the two orbs. Silently, they tossed the orbs onto the ground, causing two Pokemon to emerge with a gaping light. The first revealed a wolf-like shape which revealed something more intimidating than the rest of its kind, a Poochyena. The second, Fiona’s Pokemon, was quite humanoid but appeared to be simply adorned in a white dress which was its body. Emerald locks of hair hid the eyes of this Pokemon, a Ralts. Kikyo sensed the devious aura coming off the two, looking towards Laura to summon Alaric. Rather reluctant, Laura tossed her Poke’Ball into the air, calling out her Murkrow.

    The bird stretched his wings and gave a darting coo after being released from the small chamber, his eyes darting into the two Pokemon he would be battling. Exchanging nods of encouragement with Kikyo, Alaric lowered his wings as he waited for a given command. The two opposing Pokemon began to dart and them, ready to attack.

    “Quick Attack and Peck.” Laura ordered, trying to control the feel that this battle would be rather brutal. Responding immediately, the two Pokemon began to rush at a steady pace at the Poochyena and Ralts. Kikyo took her target as the Poochyena, sensing that he was the one who would probably be the most troublesome. Swiftly leaping into the air, she landed on the wolf, the blade rubbing against his ribs. Snarling at her, the Poochyena was about to attack when Mike stopped him.

    “Lars! Hold back!” He shouted, causing the Pokemon to immediately obey. “You’ll get back at her later.” The wolf cub returned to a stable pose and patiently waited for more commands. The puppy cocked his head as he watched his amorphous ally get lunged at around the stomach area by the stealthy bird, Alaric. Shrugging his shoulders with a brief loss of confidence, Lars continued to look ahead.

    Groaning as she watched her almost defenseless Ralts wince, Fiona grew more and more irate by the second. “C’mon Jaimie! You can hold on in there! Confusion!” Nodding with slight fret, the lithe Pokemon closed her eyes below the thick, shaggy locks of green considered her hair, sending out the best of mind power she could gather. With eyes blinking, Kikyo and Alaric seemed clearly unharmed by the mental ability. Just sitting there, the duo of dark Pokemon waited until another wave of energy would go hurdling at them.

    “Alright, Lars. You’re up.” Mike began, a dangerous smirk forming on his face, “Let’s start this out with the strongest Tackle you can do.” The wolf, grinning mischievously, instantaneously began to scamper as if the apocalypse was gaining up on him. However, it was determination of success that rested on his features rather than fear. With self-confidence easily shown, Lars brutally shoved Kikyo to the ground with a single sweep, holding her slim ribcage between his jaws. The silver and ebony dog moaned as the pain from her stomach up throbbed, hoping that this was definitely not her ending.

    “You can’t do that!” Laura shouted from her position near the brawl, seeing this turning from something fair to nothing more than a Columbinesque thrashing, Kikyo being the victim. She felt heavy pressure under her eyelids as she tried hard to hold back the tears beginning to swell. “You just…can’t…” Hearing her trainer’s cry, Kikyo began to slide her legs forcefully, trying to escape her ensnarement inside the wolf cub’s mandible. Mike looked up with shock at such a ‘demand’.

    “Yeah, and who’s gonna stop me?” He said, thinking that it would be a successful comeback. Laura was close to saying more, but her words toppled before they could come out of her. She couldn’t do anything but stand and watch with humiliation, praying to the gods that Kikyo would survive this ruckus. Kikyo’s legs continued to move rapidly, her claws nudging against the Poochyena’s body. It wasn’t long until they knew that this was going haywire as a puddle of crimson began to spill out onto the earth: blood. Feeling satisfied, Lars pried open his own jaws and let go of the Absol, leaving her to suffer.

    With too much of the world on her shoulders, Laura reached for her longbow and aimed directly at Mike, the arrowhead slightly quivering with energy. Her teeth slightly gritting, she removed her hand as her eyes closed, not wanting to watch. Opening them to see the aftermath, she watched as Mike began to rip the dud to shreds. Kikyo propped herself up, her back arching as every hair on her body stood up. Knowing what might come next, Laura quickly recalled Alaric into his Poke’Ball and slowly backed away, keeping silent.

    “You have enough angst just to do that?!?” Mike commented, staring coldly at his former love. “You do have problems.” Inching himself closer and closer towards Laura, he tightened his fists before sliding his left foot back, ready to batter the defenseless girl down. Eyes widening, she tried to turn around before it was too late, diminutive obelisks of sterling edging against her cheek, leaving a bruise to form over the marks of penetration. Descending with force onto the ground, Laura managed to hold a position being balanced off the earth with her feet and one arm, the other arm brushing against the cheek wound. Holding back the cries of pain, she could only try to forget the pool of blood, sweat, and tears forming beneath her.

    “I don’t get the point,” Laura managed to speak up, slightly craggy from fatigue. “Exactly why would you do this to me?”

    “Well, think, Laura.” Fiona shouted from behind, ignoring her inner hurt. “Remember exactly all you’ve done. To us.”

    “I’ve never done anything to you…”

    “Wrong again.” They said in accord, continuing their cold glower. It wasn’t long until more fists were thrown, kicks eventually being included into the mix. Laura couldn’t help but make a single yelp, feeling as if her heart and soul were being drained from her body at that spot. She managed to endure for some time, before her rivals began to tightly wrap chains around her. Too stiff to make much movement, Laura opened her eyes that suddenly appeared rusted, the loss of its aquatic feel. She began to whisper towards her Absol, who managed to get back onto her own feet again.

    “Kikyo, just run…” Laura said, her voice much more crackled than before. “Run far from these sadists, you’ll find me…” With one final sigh, she gasped and closed her eyes in blackout, becoming suddenly pale like in the blizzard. With the slyest of grins on their faces, Mike and Fiona kicked against the fainted Laura, knocking her into the nearby river. Kikyo’s glance traveled along the winding stream, managing to start running after her trainer with the feeling that she would survive no matter how bad the wounds.

    “That’s right, mutt! Run! Run!” Fiona said, sneering with joy as she mocked Laura’s final words. The two were too deep in laughter that they completely forgot that Kikyo had managed to gain up with Laura.

    The near-adolescent Absol panted as she ran parallel to the river, catching up with Laura’s location in the flow. Partially due to exhaust and partially to make a move, Kikyo slowed down and with a literal leap of faith jumped into the torrent, clinging to her friend downstream. Feeling the water gradually slow down through the lush emerald valleys and ivory-capped mounts of forest, she found a stopping point and climbed onto the edge, Laura with her. A quick sigh of relief exhaled, Kikyo slightly loosened her grip on Laura and her belongings, but continued to carry her across the grassy knolls dotting the area. Some time passed before she saw two shady figures on the edge of another knoll, resembling a human and their Pokemon. Seeing a slight beacon of hope coming from this sight, she continued, trying to go as fast as she could.

    Kikyo stopped when she managed to see up close exactly what she swore she had seen. The human seemed to male, around Laura’s age, and a decent mix of lanky and built hidden underneath a darkened Asian complexion. As she inched closer she could see the thick spikes of his ebony hair which she guessed was almost as thick as Laura’s hair. The boy’s Pokemon was a Zangoose that seemed fairly normal, except for the blade-like scar resting over his forehead. Kikyo almost immediately knew help would probably come once she came to view of this duo.

    “Goose?” the mongoose-like Pokemon cried out, a single claw pointed in the same direction as Kikyo and Laura, saying something along the lines of “Hey, should we help the two over there?”

    “Huh?” the boy responded, looking up with shock before looking over to see the Absol and her trainer. The reason why he seemed in so much shock was of Laura; not because of the chains or anything, but by the wounds lain onto the face of this seemingly fragile girl. He began to slowly coax Kikyo over, an immediate response from her given. Walking over gently, Kikyo stopped when she came to this pair, lowering her trainer’s body to the ground. The unfamiliar masculine face looked over with some concern over this girl he had never seen before.

    “Your trainer?” He asked in puzzlement, receiving a soft nod from Kikyo. Still wondering how the shackles and wounds ended up on her, the boy carefully searched for the source of this tight hold, unbuckling from the end he managed to find around her back. With a gentle tug, he unwound the source of an act of sadism and tossed aside, quietly glancing over the wounds. Color began to steadily return to Laura’s flesh, her breathing returning to normal. It seemed that her blackout had ended.

    “This is just a dream…” she chanted under her breath, opening her eyes to unfamiliar black eyes, but what she thought were the most beautiful she had ever seen. Shocked, she staggered to prop herself up, panting with slight fear trembling down her spine.

    “Don’t worry, there’s no need for alarm.” He said in a calm voice, the first she had heard in quite a long time. Slightly relieved by hearing such a calm tone, she no longer felt alarmed, but somehow ‘safe’. “Now, what’s your name? Are you like twenty-five or something?”

    “Laura Deirdre. The age is fifteen.” She replied, accepting the most common misconception of her age as she looked over at the boy clad softly in red and black, slightly amazed. “And you are?”

    “Ryu Samura. Also fifteen.” He responded, somewhat regretting how he fell for the deceit of Laura’s looks. “So, Laura. Can you explain to me how you ended up here in the first place?”


    Laura Note: A lot of things have happened in the process of writing this chapter, most particularly The Muffin Man's unbanning and the fact the we're generally the best of friends again. Despite how you all think that Mike used in this fanfic is generally our own TMM, I'm running this by my Mike 1/Mike 2 theory, the fanfic character being based off of Mike 2, the pushy, somewhat irritable side of him that will show on rare occassions. Just so ya know.

    ...I'm not dead yet!

  27. #27
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    Again, a very angsty chapter, at least until the end. Perhaps this Ryu will be a sort of beacon of light for Laura? Or is he just another false friend? Only time (and you, of course) will tell.

    I like the general emotional feel of this chapter. Laura's concern for Kikyo actually felt realistic to me, despite the outward appearance of suicide. After all, it sure didn't seem like Kikyo would have been able to have done much to stop Mike and Fiona, especially with its wounds. I look at it as just trying to save Kikyo. Interesting idea, there. (Though I have to wonder where on earth Mike and Fiona got those chains from!)

    There wasn't much description here, but it was enough to let the reader sort things out fairly accurately. You described Ryu pretty well, in particular. Not too much information at once, but enough to give us a general feel for his appearance. Nicely done there.

    You did have some issues with tense, though. There were several occasions where you used words that were out of place with the time frame. I noticed in particular references to the future could have been better. You can't just refer to events that "will come". You have to treat everything that's ever mentioned in the fic as being in the past. It doesn't matter if you even show it or not in the fic; everything should be looked at in retrospect. As such, the best way to describe events to come is usually what "would come". It may seem like a subtle and unimportant change, but it makes a world of difference to a lot of people.

    You're doing pretty well otherwise, though. You've got a pretty nice grasp of the characters' emotions, especially Laura's fragile state of mind. I like how this is developing, and I'm hoping to see further development in the future. Good job. I'll see you next chapter!
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    THE TPM MAIN SITE.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

  28. #28
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    Default To Thos Who Still Care... [a trainer's story]

    It's been a long time since I drop here...

    I agree that this is a very angsty chapter. I do think Mike and Fiona were coward at the first place, but they were brutal indeed. And I wonder why Fiona was angry at Laura...

    Sorry for not making it earlier. See you next chapter!
    Please take it easy~

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