Child Of Destiny

[Mindprobe]

Yes, yes. I'm again, attempting for a fiction and hopefully, this time, with not so anxious attitude to get a chapter written, I can make a good fic that should last. This is only the prologue and it's a bit short, but I hope it gets you intrested of the fic. Please post your feedback and oppinions about this, it's essential so I can proceed as a writer and create more enjoyable text for you. Thanks in advance for reading this, even if you don't like it. Here we go:

~ Prologue ~

Thunder, raindrops on the roof, wind blowing through the window, cries for help. Roof taking flight, walls breaking down. Me, lying on the bed, crying. Suddenly, world spinned around me. Around and around and around. Then, everything went dark, pitch black dark. Space, milkiway, planets, stars, I travelled through the solar system and into the deep space. It was cold, and wet. Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days, days felt like weeks and weeks felt like months. I floated there, for how long time, I do not know. I just floated, nothing else. As I drifted further away from the sun, every second, I felt like I lost a memory of my life. Then, bright light filled me and my surroundings...

“Uh....” I opened my eyes slowly. The light was too blinding so I closed them again. I breath deep in, and then slowly out. A warm breeze of wind ran through me from the open window. Birds, birds were singing. I allready had forgot what it sounded like. Slowly, my eyes got used to the light and I could see my surroundings better. I was laying on a bed in a white room. There was another bed across me, but it was empty. There was a lonely plant on my bedside table. It was very dry and almost dead. I looked outside the window. Trees with green leaves hummed in the wind. I heard joyful kids that were playing outside. The sun was shining and it was warm. An ache started to bang my head badly. A young looking woman, dressed in white, long coat walked into my room. Her blond hair was tied up in a ponytail and she had somekind of a notebook with her. She was very beautiful. “Uh..., where..., where am I?” I managed to say.

“You are in the best hospital in the south coast of Johto, my dear,” she checked some things from the notebook. “Finally, you woke up. You have been asleep for the past few weeks,” she said and checked my forehead. “You might have some fever, headache?”

“Yeah, a little.”

“I’m gonna give you something for that,” she said and checked few other things on the notebook and turned around. Before getting outside from the door, she turned around. “One thing more, what’s your name?”

“My name? That’s, uh, that’s...,” I gasped, something so simple and I can’t seem to find the answer from my mind. “I can’t seem to remember it...”

[Neo-Xantios]

Greetings, Mindprobe. That prologue was interesting with the subtle details at the start. In the first paragraph I had absolutely no idea as who what this fic was happen. But the ambiguities cleared at the sight of the word "Johto". This seems promising enough, and I hope to see this through.

I do, however, suggest that you combine a couple of your sentences to make the style flow better. Ultimately, I would suggest you write 2 pages in MC Word or at least 1,000 words per chapter. But that is just my suggestion and indeed, take the aggregate opinion.

P.S. Yes, replies from readers can really motivate the writer to continue.

Good luck!

[Mindprobe]

Neo-Xantios: Thanks for the feedback. The actual chapters will be longer. I've written the first chapter and it's about half-way ready, and it's allready about 2 pages long. The prologue is meant only to bring intrest on the fiction, maybe I succeed, maybe not, but that was something that I wanted to try. Thanks for the feedback once again ^_^

[Tutankhamun]

She couldn't remember her name? Well, you have my intrest. Although it was short, I could see why you want readers intrest. Some people don't want to read 7 page chapters, but something small. Of course, this is only the prolauge, so length doesn't really matter much in it.

I agree with Neo about the sentence structure. But other then that, I'm not much of a grammer person, so I won't attack you in that department

I just have one suggestion though, can you please make the font regular. It is really hard to read small light-green typing, but if you don't want to, that is okay.

Other then that, I'll keep an eye out for this fic! Good job so far!

[mistysakura]

I love the first paragraph. So atmospheric... This seems very interesting. Some of your sentences, though long, were split up into all these short choppy phrases separated by commas, which made them annoying to read sometimes. (Like the previous sentence.) The font colour didn't bother me, but it was a bit small. doesn't matter that much though.

Have fun writing!

[PancaKe]

I liked it - and I have no idea where you are taking this. Favourite feature of mine in fics, uncertanty. I'll def check out chapter one. Ill stick around

**PancaKe||

[Mindprobe]

Thanks for the reviews and feedbacks! The chapter is about mid-way ready, I'm trying to go further without hesitating to make them ready so they have a bit better quality. I'll change the font size to regular, but I won't give up the color so don't even try :tongue: I think it'll be ready either today or tomorrow.

[Mindprobe]

~ Chapter One ~
Dragonair Necklace

I...couldn’t remember my name. I can’t...remember who I am. The nurse looked at me. I could tell from her face that she was a bit sad for me, but when she realized I had noticed her dissapointment, she smiled. Revealing her clean, white teeth. I guess, it made me a bit happier as well.

“You’re going to see the doctor tomorrow,” she said and wrote more things on her notebook. “I cincerelly hope you regain your memory back. But now, you must get some rest.” She closed the door on her way out.

“Who am I?” I asked myself aloud. “Where do I come from?” The stream of questions seemed unstoppable and I couldn’t find any answers to any of the questions. My mind was blank as a paper. I tried to memorize something, anything at all. Without any results. My head was about to explode from all the thinking and the headache made things only worse. I got frustrated from my incapability to do anything to the state where I was in. I sighed deeply. I closed my eyes and hoped that I would remember something, but only questions popped up into my mind. Then, I fell asleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~

“Do you remember where you come from?” I just shook my head as an answer. Everyhing seemed so helpless, even the doctor. I could tell from the look in his face. It’s funny really, it seemed that I was able to pick up people’s moods easily. Maybe it was something I was, or still am, good at. I smiled in my mind, something that I might have regained, a part of my personality. It was slim comfort really. I was hoping I would dream of something, but if I had, I can’t remember what. He, the doctor that is, was very handsome. Black hair and strong charasteristics in face. He sounded really friendly, but seemed like he was trying to keep some kind of hard shell on himself. I guess that’s what doctors usually try to do I guess, they can’t afford to be too connected to their patients. “Do you have any kind of picture of what happened?”

“What do you mean, ‘what happened’? I guess my tone was a bit unfriendly, but that just stroke into me for some reason. Then, I realized something, which made my question quite stupid. No one ends up in a hospital if nothing has happened to you. Of course, something has happened to me.

“You were picked up from the ocean by some fishermen.” My eyes widened. “You were floating on a empty wooden box. We do not know how long you had been floating there, possibly from few days up to a week or so. The drift of wind and water shows that you might be from the shout or shoutwest. Either from the middle of the ocean or somewhere near Hoenn.” Well, at least some of my questions did find their answer.

“Do you have any else information about anything involving me?” I asked, kind of hopeful for more information. There were some big questions that really needed the answer.

“Unfortunately, no. There were no id with you or anything else, except...” the doctor said and took a box out of a paper bag. It was exciting, maybe there would be something. The box was wooden and it had red, soft, fabric on it, with golden figures on it. “We hoped that it would help some.”

“So soft.” My fingers ran on the surface of the box and on the golden patterns.

“Open it up, there’s something inside.” I opened the golden lock of it and slowly opened it. I awed in amezement. There was a silver chain inside. I took it in my hands. A silver, Dragonair shaped figure was wrapped around it. There were red, beautiful rocks on the places of it’s eyes and the spheres in it’s neck and tail. It was extraordinaly beautiful. I had a feeling that it meant something to me, it meant a lot, but what it was and how it was connected to me, I don’t know yet. “Take them with you into your room, you need some more rest. Amnesia’s usually get better by time, so you just have to wait patiently for your memory to regain.”

“Can I take the box as well?” I asked and placed the chain back into the box and closed it. The doctor nodded as an agreement. The doctor walked me out of the room. A nurse directed me back into my hospital dorm. It was late evening. I sat on the bed and took the box out of my pocket. It seemed somehow familiar, I just hope I could find out how. I started to check the box with a closer look. Turned it around, trying to find something, initials for example.

I don’t know how many hours I was looking at the box, but the sky started to turn darker and darker. Soon, it would be close to midnight. I opened the box and took the chain out. My fingers ran on it’s clear surface and around the Dragonair figure. I had the same familiar feeling with the necklace as with the box. Maybe they belonged to me, or someone close relative. I yawned, time to get some sleep, although I would’ve liked to check that necklace a bit more closely. I put the box back on the bedside table. Then I put the pillow into comfortable position and allmost instantly after closing my eyes, I was asleep, with the necklace still in my hand. That night, I had a dream.

~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~

It was like looking a 3D movie. I was there, but not really there. I couldn’t touch anything, my hand just slipped through. I was on somebody’s living room. The wind was picking outside and tree branches scratched the window. It was quiet, aside from the wind whistling in the trees and the structures of the house. There was a girl, in her teens. She had black hair and blue eyes. She was quite short and slim. She was laying on the couch and watching television. She had the Dragonair necklace around her neck. A loud bang on the door broke the peaceful silence and the girl woke up and stood up quite quickly. Then, keyes turned around in the lock. Somewhat clumsy man came in. From the move he sway from side to side and leaned towards the wall, I could tell he was drunk. The man said something, but couldn’t figure out what. I didn’t really hear anything they were talking, but I can see that a fight broke out. A old woman came from somewhere, she walked through me. She started screaming, or at least it looked like it. The man hit the woman. A tear fell on the girl’s cheek and she shouted something at the man and turned around. More tears came down as she ran past me and into upstairs. During the time, the woman had collapsed on the floor, crying. The man waited for few moments and then walked upstairs as well. I just wished that I could see what was happening, and with a woosh, I was upstairs, on the girl’s room.

She had locked the door and pressed againt door on her back. She was crying badly, she shouted something between her tears and the bangs of the doors begun. Tears ran on her cheek and dropped on her red top creating small wet spots. She got up and walked to her desk and took a red box out of somewhere. I realized I was holding my breath, it was the same red box with golden figures around it, that I received from the doctor. She put the necklace inside. My eyes widened as I saw somekind of letters on the bottom of the inside. How could’ve I missed them? I went in for a closer look, but the girl closed the box and placed it in her pocket. She whiped some of her tears away, but more came pouring down. The weather outside was turning really horrible, wind was reaching high speed, a downpour begun and the thunder barked it’s might. The weather changed surprisingly quick anyways. The girl layed down on her bed, still crying. I felt sad for her. Then, a burst of pure light englufed the window and a loud explosion occured. Everything went blurry.

~ ~ ~ ~ * ~ ~ ~ ~

I woke up on the same hospital bed. Sweaty and a bit cold, even though the sun was shining outside. I noticed the necklace was still in my hand and I remembered the letters inside the box. I reached out for it, but, it wasn’t there. I had to rub my eyes with my hands and looked again, but it wasn’t there. I looked from the floor, under the bed, under my pillow, everything. Why is this happening to me! The box could’ve contained my name or something!

“Nurse! Nurse!” I went screaming on the hallway. The same blonde nurse, that was here yesterday came half-running to me.

“What is it, dear?” She asked gently.

“The red box is missing from the table,” I was in panic. I had to find the god damn box.

“Are you sure?”

“It was there when I went asleep, then I had this dream that had the same box and there were letters inside the box and when I woke up it was gone,” I explained all in one sentence. I breathed heavily.
“Maybe the cleaner had put it accidentally into the rubbish pin along with the dead flower.”

“I need that box, it might have my name on it.”

“I saw a carbage truck on it’s way to the rubbish bins,” the nurse said. “We must stop it before it goes.”

The nurse lead the way. We took the emergency stairs, this was an emergency. We ran as fast as we could downstairs and outisde. We rushed around the corner, only to see the carbage truck leave. I ran after it, southing “Stop! Stop!”, but they didn’t take any note on me. It had rained heavily at last night, my foot slipped and I fell backwards, hitting the back of my head on the ground hard. It hurt a lot, the world spinned in my eyes, before everything went blank.

____________________

This is the first actual chapter for this fic. It's still a bit short and the story didn't progress much, but looking at my plans, it starts to clear up somwhere around 3-5. I'm expecting the next chapters to be longer, but who knows h:

[Charles Legend]

wow this is a grate start, and very orignal to....

I take it the drunk was her father, but I wonder what cosed her to end up in Jotho like that, and it sonded to me like the father is after the neckless because it holds a screat powers?


~Ryu

[Mindprobe]

Ryu Slayer X 2.0: Thanks and thank you for reading this fic, stay around ^_^

Note to someone who might complain about my grammar, point the flaws out, but don't go cutting my throat because of it, 'cos English is my 3rd language

[Neo-Xantios]

Ah, greetings again, Mindprobe. That was a brilliant chapter, full of vivid descriptions and actions. Once again, you continue your subtle plot and create suspence, making me long for a another chapter to come out. I still wonder who the main character is and what Pokemon will appear. (Still no Pokemon, eh? That's okay.) The dream was written very well, and it seemed like those I have at times.

Anyway, I would suggest you type this out using Microsoft word, as Word can detect spelling errors. A smooth beginning so far and I hope to see you continue!

Good luck!

EDIT: A decent length; very enjoyable to read.

[mistysakura]

You really need to spell check. (By the way, you keep mixing up shout and south, and it doesn't look like a typo cause you've done it every time those words have been used.) Aside from that, that was a pretty good chapter. I've made the same guess as Ryu Slayer; I have a feeling that the disappearance of the box wasn't an accident. It's pretty interesting so far, and I like the little bits like the tears making wet spots on the girl's top.

Keep writing!

[Mindprobe]

Wow! Two replies more

Neo-Xantios: Thanks a lot for the positive feedback. Eh, you see dreams like that , ookey I would use it but the spell checker refuses to co-operate with me

mistysakura: I know the difference between them, so it was a typo. That I contaniously repeated

I've had a bit of writers block on how connecting chapters two and three to chapter four. Yes, the first pokemon of the main role player is revealed But I think I might have come up with something

[Aurora]

Hey. A really good first chapter... Thinking the same as Mistysakura about the box... Looking forward to the next posts!

[mr_pikachu]

Not a bad start. I understand how it is with trying to learn a new language; I've been trying to learn Spanish for years, and I'm still terrible at it. You're much better at English than I am at Spanish, let me say. It's impressive how good your grammar and spelling are, considering that this isn't your first language.

I have this odd feeling that the necklace will become highly important later, but I doubt it's from magic powers... maybe, like in Lisa the Legend, it'll be used like a Pokeball... or maybe I'm just imagining things. Oh well.

Not sure where this is headed, exactly. Like PancaKe said, that can be a good thing; just don't draw it out too long. You'll need to give it some direction eventually. From your previous posts, though, it looks like you've already got it worked out. That's encouraging.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter! See you then!


EDIT: Before I forget, what problems are you having with the Spellchecker? Maybe I can help you work through them...