Puppetslaves United

[Gavin Luper]

This is a poetry-based assignment I had to do for class. Anyone who's read my stuff in the Poetry Corner knows that I'm not much of a "poet" as such, but I felt like breaking away from my standard short stories, even though my strength is really in narrative. Nonetheless, this broke up the monotony and challenged me a lot, so it was good fun to do. I thought it might be worth posting on here to see what people think, if anything.

Also, the third poem - "Puppetslave" - is actually formatted in a sixteen-square table when presented in hard copy or in word, but that didn't translate into a post here. Oddly, I kind of like the shitty, chaotic style it is posted in in this thread, so it stays like that; hopefully it still effects some meaning in that state.

Cheers!

EDIT: Poems 1 & 2 temporarily removed - will be reposted in due course.






PUPPETSLAVES UNITED:
Masculinity, escape and the dilemma of independence

BY GAVIN LUPER


- Puppetslave

- WE MUST BAN ALCOHOL ADVERTISING ON TV,
RADIO AND ANY FORM OF PRINT MEDIA

- Riffed







Puppetslave


Born ungratefully clean Baptised without ceremony Injected with cold vaccines Cooked for by microwave machine
Taught to walk by own two feet Cuddled by big plasma TV Two year puppetslave for TEE Dad-driven to university
------------------------ ---------------------- --------------------------- -------------------------
Drive to victory, every race Spit on hobo waste of space Strategise against a glitch Swallow dream and become rich
Chase marriage from necessity Get divorced by thirty-three Refinance fixed rate home loan Live forever free and die alone







WE MUST BAN ALCOHOL ADVERTISING ON TV,
RADIO AND ANY FORM OF PRINT MEDIA

Part 1

Son, don’t you want another one?
What d’you mean you’ve had enough?

I mean my head is still killing, Dad
I can’t remember where I was last night

Good man! Living while you’re still young!
Those beer bongs must’ve really fucked yous up, ay?

Of course they did. I did two stubbies
And it felt like a pincushion in my gut

Only two, mate? Don’t be a girl!
How many’d your mates have?

Matt had four on his knees then spewed on his jeans
James doesn’t do funnels. He just had one beer

Ha ha! Matt’s good value, isn’t he? Good kid?
What’s that James, a fucking faggot?
Gonna have another beer or what, Son?


Part 2

When each night’s a blot he’ll be proud
Blokehood only granted by blackout
And so irresistible to dip my feet in still
Dumb, dumb, but easy to blend this way

And to think, argue, articulate: I’m too exhausted
Permit me this one vice, and its grip
Fortressed like my father by dependency
The best and only colour in my life.






Riffed

All this living and hard-working
Irate customer placating
Swearing, weeding, redback-killing
Sweating, red dirt excavating

Consider it swill, Teacher
Consider my verbiage well intentioned
Ultimately nescient, misguided
“He knows no better, after all.”
Raised by Happy Parents
Happy Parents! What outrage!

This beer bravado, chundering
Sense-suspending, laugh-inducing
Shouting, aggressive play fighting
Blinded lusting, grotesque feeding

Consider the dialogues I avoid
Consider my predisposition fair
To reject what I find to be one-eyed
“Just a straitjacketed male.”
Comfortable with gritted teeth
Resilience and stoicism! What flaws!

This encyclopaedia-sponging
World globe spinning, barefoot walking
Occluding, trampoline dreaming
Waiting, plane window reflecting

Consider every droplet of flak
Consider that what I have touched
Is not what you like to caress
“Exhibits no appreciation of art;
if anything, inhibits it.”
Saturated with leek soup and blue trucks
Content with simplicity! What ignorance!

Consider it inconsiderate
Consider a writer with just a pen
Fractious, infelicitous brute.

[mistysakura]

...that's productivity. I now have all my drafts in various stages of completion too, but a) they currently suck and b) I'm paranoid about tutors sticking phrases into Google and thinking I'm plagiarising myself so they're waiting for the end of semester.

I'm glad I'm not workshopping you. What to say? And you say this isn't real poetry. If you wanted to impress someone you could say the set was about position, juxtaposition and straitjacketed monotony in contemporary Australian values. It's real poetry, whatever that means. (I hope you don't take that as an insult. )

Every poem in the set fits together really well (with the possible exception of the second poem, but I like how it stands out, a breath of fresh air in the monotony). In fact, I'd say the first poem and "Riffed" fit together so well it could be said they were repeating the same thing, especially with the repeated images such as trampoline dreaming. But I think "Riffed" has a much greater sense of determination to reject the stereotypes and accept both stereotypical masculinity and everything else as a part of 'you'. So it's cool. That said, reading five poems with the same in-your-face message gets pretty tiriing. By "WE MUST BAN ALCOHOL ADVERTISING ON TV,
RADIO AND ANY FORM OF PRINT MEDIA", I was like "okay, I get the bloody point already!", despite the poem working well on its own and raising points about how easy it is to just give in. Is it possible for poems to fit together too well?

The images in the first poem are lovely. Except for line 20. I got really vivid images for all the other lines, but this drew a blank for me. Maybe a more action-based image like midnight conversations in French (and) would work better. Actually, line 30 drew a blank for the same reason; it was also kind vague. About the fuzz, I reckon it doesn't need to be pointed out that it's incoherent. It's like you're analysing the poem for me.

Poem 2: My tutor would love the couplets; are the first four lines' non-couplet-ness supposed to reflect the incompleteness before the boy? Once again, great images. I especially like the second line and the exclamation mark. "Course" should be "coursed". In line 7, "so tired from being" seems redundant.

Puppetslave: ...bring on the formatting. It makes it almost like a computer interface. At the risk of being a broken record, vividly real. Some of the statements, such as "swallow dream and become rich" and "...die alone" could be expressed more originally though.

We Must...: Aforesaid irritation sinks in at this point because the father's voice is really cliched. But strong. And effective. So I'm mixed on this. Maybe toss in some statements with more personal quirk along with the stereotypical "What d’you mean you’ve had enough?"s? I really like Part 2.

Riffed: ha, take that, sucker! Yeah, you could call this a circular ending, but in a more determined and self-assured place. The form is close to the first poem's, which I guess is the reason I found them overlapping at first, but they're not, really. I really like the references to Happy Parents and inhibiting art. Perhaps "To reject what I find one-eyed" would flow better. But I wasn't sure whether I liked the ending. Perhaps it was the word 'infelicitous'. Maybe the line would be stronger with something positive (without prefix "in-".)

"Creative Writing: Ideas and Practice", be proud. I am now the master of bs. But really, I really enjoyed these poems. They're so... angrily real. I think 'cathartic' is the word I'm after. Good job.