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Thread: Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    Well here for the holidays with a nice short fic. No more than a couple chapters. I really liked this idea I came up with and had to write it. Its fun and I like the idea! So hope you all enjoy!






    Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle





    By: Dan M





    “Mommy?” a high pitched voice cried out, “Mommy, where are you?”


    The small pink creature with two, long green leaves sticking out of his head wept. He moved his small peg like legs across the cold, wet, white snow-covered field. Small drops of crystal like drops fell from his eyes as it continued to call out for his mother. The small pokemon’s body began to shake more as he collapsed into the snow. He lay there helpless as the snow blew over his fragile lightweight body. With every blow of the wind, the Hoppip was pushed along in the snow causing him to cover up quickly. Finally, the baby pokemon stopped moving, the weight of the snow held him down.


    Time slowly passed and a small shadowy figure began to walk towards the cold, passed out pokemon. As it came near, the light shined more on the figure to reveal its smooth looking purple skin. The pokemon seemed to be wearing a strange dress and having long flowing blonde hair. She waddled her way over and looked down at the pokemon.


    “What’s this?” she said to herself


    Slowly moving her soft looking purple hand down and patted the pokemon that seemed to be frozen. She then began to poke harder at the pokemon and noticed it really was frozen. The purple pokemon moved her head around looking around to see if there was any other pokemon around that looked like it but nothing could be seen due to the patches of snow falling quickly horizontally from the sky.


    Jynx moved both hands down as she picked up the small Hoppip and began to waddle off back in the direction she had come from. She rubbed the pokemon to help it get warmer and hopefully wake up from its sleep. She calmly started to sing a lullaby not knowing if it could hear her majestic voice or not but continued incase so it felt safe with her. The worried Jynx did not want to scare the pokemon since it looked like a baby.


    “Its alright, its ok, ill make sure you have a place to stay, don’t you cry, don’t you worry, its only a winter blizzard, ill watch you, ill feed you, you will make it through the night, everything will be alright,” she sang softly to the Hoppip hoping it would soon awake.


    Eventually she walked up to a large dark opening to a snow covered cave. She entered and the more she walked, a light appeared to grow as she neared it. Soon they were both in what seemed to be a home. Jynx had the place set up nicely, like human house. She had a large bundle of hay over in a corner as a bed and on the other side was a large fire to keep the area lighted.


    “Here you go,” she said softly as she placed the cold pokemon near the hot red, orange, and yellow flames.


    The Hoppip began to shake again and slowly regain consciousness. His eyes were still closed but he whispered, “Mommy, are you with me? Please mommy, be here with me.”


    Jynx’s eyes began to fill with water as she felt the little pokemon’s sadness in his voice. She walked over and began to rub his back to continue to warm him up to make him better. Hoppip moved one of his green leaves as a drop of water fell form it and began to rub up against Jynx’s hand as she tried to make him warmer.


    “Mom?” Hoppip smiled as it slowly moved his eyes around and then opened them. When he opened them, he didn’t see mom, he saw a large purple thing rubbing his back.


    “I…I’m not your mom but before you scre-,” she was stopped as he jumped up and dove over into the pile of hay with his eyes peeking through.


    “Where’s my mommy?” he cried out. He was obviously terrified and didn’t know what to think of the situation. “Tell me!” he cried out loud yelling.


    “Please, it’s alright. My name is Charlotte and I found you frozen in the snow outside. No one was in sight and the blizzard was getting worse, so I decided to bring you back here. I didn’t want you to be frozen till spring, so I put you over by the fire to warm you up and make it all better. Believe me, I wanna be your friend and help you, alright?” she asked as she came closer to the pile of tan colored hay.

    He slowly moved around in the hay and then tumbled out of their causing strands of hay to fall with him. His tumbling turned into rolling as he headed for the fire. Charlotte quickly ran and stopped him before he hit the flames and then burned.


    “Calm down, please, it’s ok,” she smiled.


    “Where’s my mommy?” he asked her as he hiccupped from all the crying. The tears dropped from his soft pink body the warm rocky dirt ground.


    “I’m not sure, I’m sorry. But maybe after the storm I can help you look for her?” she asked him nicely as she sat on the ground.


    “Oh…ok I guess…that is really…really…something but it’s good of you!” he stuttered not knowing a word. He felt stupid for not knowing one simple word to show his gratitude.


    “I think you mean nice, and I love helping others, especially pokemon that get lost. So…what’s your name?” she wondered since she had told him her name and she wanted to call him something beside pokemon or Hoppip.


    “Shane…my name is Shane,” he said proudly as he moved a little bit closer to the fire to get warmer without catching on fire. Shane was a grass type and grass types hated fire and knew if they caught on fire, it’d probably be over. It just came naturally to have the fear but Shane didn’t seem at all afraid since he was at least two feet away.


    “Nice to meet you Shane. Now I have another question if you don’t mind me asking,” she stopped as he nodded and she continued, “What happened? How’d you lose your mother?”


    Shane itched his head and began to think. His two leaves on his head fell down as he tried to think hard about what would happened but it was a little blurry. He then replied, “I just remember walking with my mommy across the snow and it was a nice day out but then the wind picked up and snow started to fall out of the large sky. We quickly were separated and I just remember falling back down after the wind stopped. Then…Then…I remember waking up here.”

  2. #2
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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    Ah, another fic, huh? Good to see you still writing. Nice idea with the Hoppip in the blizzard, and good work with the setting. I like the general concept of this fic. Time will tell if there's a reunion to come, but I can see happy endings either way. I guess we'll just have to wait to see which direction you take this.

    I do think that Shane's characterization could have been done slightly better. You mentioned that he didn't know the right word when he wanted to say "nice", but he seemed to know much more complex words when he discussed how he was separated from his mother. That didn't seem to fit very well.

    This is a good start, otherwise, though. Even though this'll probably be short, it could really be a heartwarming piece. I'm looking forward to seeing what you can do with it. Anyway, see you next chapter!
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    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    Hey Mr Pika! Yeah your right about the Shane not knowing that easy word but yeah. I doubt there will be anymore of that since that really isn't the focus of the story plus there will be much more.

    Well for you mr pika the next chapter will be out hopefully beginning next week since I have 3 day weekend. Good to have a reader still. I just feel being gone so much and some new blood entering im not as interesting lol. Well what can ya say? My choice to go and come back but glad I still got a loyal reader, thanks!


    -Peace

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    A very sweet fic so far, very Christmassy. As mr_pika said, good setting, especially with the contrast between the harsh blizzard and the cave. About the thing with Shane not knowing how to say "nice" but knowing all the other stuff, I reckon it could have been jsut one of those memory lapses when you forget what the word is for something. But then again, "nice" isn't a word that slips your mind that easily. Meh.

    By the way, read this the first day it was posted, just couldn't be bothered to post until now.
    mistysakura
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    Random thought: 2+2=5.

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    Hi there! It's been long since I saw you around. Glad you could make a short Fic at last. So far, it's nice. I liked how the poor Hoppip was saved by the Jynx. It's the first Pokémon-starred Fic I read, but it's OK. I like the Christmas-esque feel, what with the snow and Jynx, that's like a Christmas Pokémon of sorts.

    You said it's going to be short, but still, it's nice. Your description still remains as the best around, and that's great: I can always get a good idea of the layout when I read one Fic of yours. Oh well, I hope this solves, and I wonder what happened with Shane's mom. Charlotte is nice too, and I liked the personality you gave her.

    I'll be looking forward to it. And hopefully it inspires you to write/complete your Fics, because I like your job a lot, really. I'll be looking forward for the next chapter! And hopefully you stay more time.

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    Thanks MistySakura. Glad your enjoying it and true about the word. And its ok about not posting right away. I was just stating because there is so many new people here since I've been gone I don't expect the replies like before.

    Thanks Orion! Glad you like it. I really wanna finish my fics ive started from a while back. I been thinking which ones I really wanna do. MOst of South Pacific though is gone. I had to re start my computer and it all got erased. Somewhere Out There right now is my biggest possibilitie. A Whole New Beginning is prob second in line. So looks like Somewhere Out There I will continue. But will see. Or maybe ill do a completely different one since as of now I began thinking of an amazing idea but who knows if its amazing till you see. So yup!

    Second chapter up whenever. Ha!

    -Peace


    All replies questions blah blah blah still welcome!

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle

    Part 2 of 3




    A cool breeze followed by a bright light filled the cave up. Shane’s small eyes wiggled around and finally opened up to Charlotte cooking over the still going fire across from him. He felt warmth and love being there, just like it was like when he was with his mother. His lips slowly moved up to a smile, which he hasn’t had since early yesterday before the blizzard.


    Charlotte turned around and noticed the Hoppip moving around. She noticed he was awake and she quickly said happily, “Good morning Shane, how was your sleep?”


    “It was good, I really needed it, I was tired,” he commented back to her as he walked away from the hay and over by the fire.


    He peered into the small black like bowl and noticed a grayish mush being stirred around. His smile turned down and felt like he was going to gag looking at it. But he quickly smiled again as Charlotte looked down at him smiling. He didn’t want to make her feel bad for thinking her food looked gross after all the nice things she had done for him, like giving him a place to stay and helping him out with his mother.


    “Ugh…what is that?” he asked her.


    “It’s this human food called oatmeal. It is pretty good and I’ve learned how to make it from my friend Sassy, a nice friendly Skitty who used to play around the fields in the spring but she’s in hibernation right now,” she replied as she left the pot for a moment to go grab some more gray bowls from over by the hay.


    “Oh, can’t wait to try,” he grinned as he looked down at the bowl. His stomach growled and he knew he had to eat something before he started to eat the hay. So it would be worth a try.


    She used the long black handled spoon to pour some of the oatmeal into each bowl and placed it back in the pot. She moved over one of the almost smoothe gray bowl in front of Shane and held the other one for herself.


    Shane moved his small nose over the bowl and sniffed. It wasn’t as bad as he thought and it actually smelt appetizing. His tongue moved from his mouth and down to the bowl. The oatmeal slid on and he pulled his tongue back into his mouth. Shane’s taste buds tingled with the succulent tasting food. He swallowed happily and went and licked some more up.


    “So how is it?” she asked hoping for a good answer.


    “Its…its…its amazing! It taste so good I like this oatmeal. Thank you very much for this!” he continued to eat happily.


    “Well I’m glad you like it because we have a big day today. I looked outside and the snow has melted a little actually down to a good size. We can easily walk on it now and it seems like a good day. We should be able to find you mother easily,” she hoped. She really didn’t want to disappoint him and would try her best to help him find her.


    After they finished, Charlotte grabbed the bowls and said, “I’m going to go quick wash these, would you like to come or stay here?”


    “I’ll just stay here and rest up a little more before we leave,” he smiled as he licked his lips clean.


    “Ok, be back in a few,” she smiled as she left the cave.


    Shane walked back over to his own hay pile and sat down. He moved on of his leaves on his head down to scratch his face as he yawned. He was still tired but was determined to find his mother today. Nothing could stop him from wonder where she was, whom she was with, and if she was even all right. The fact that something bad could have happened stayed in his mind and made him worry even more.


    Few minutes had passed and Charlotte came back in with two clean bowls ready to be put away. She placed them back over on the hard silver rock on the side of the large hay pile and walked back over to Shane.


    “Ok, well the weather seems good right now, so what do you say? Shall we head out and look for your mom now?” she asked him.

    “Yeah!” he said happily as he got right back up and patiently waited to leave.


    “Alright, lets go kiddo!” she giggled as she saw the joy in his bright sparkling eyes.


    They headed out of the cave and Shane looked around and could finally see actual tree’s that weren’t hidden from the snow. The sun shined down bright making his eyes squint as he walked along side Jynx. His small feet hit the snow only leaving a little imprint showing the snow wasn’t very deep and ground was near.


    “Do you think it will be hard to find my mom?” he asked Charlotte.


    “Well, honestly I’m not sure since she could have been picked up and fell anywhere. If you weren’t out that long when I found you, we have a good chance since the wind really died down as I brought you back to the cave,” she said a little worried knowing she should have lied saying yes but she didn’t wanna hurt him incase they don’t find her.


    “YEAH! I can’t wait to find her! I miss her!” he explained with joy as he bounced along in the cold white snow.


    “Just remember, you got to have hope and then you will find her,” she smiled knowing she to had faith that they would find her and she’d be all right.


    They continued what felt like an endless walk threw the cold and very little wind. Every time the wind blew, Shane slid a little bit and Charlotte began to notice but stayed quiet not knowing if he wanted her help or not. She knew it was something he lived with being such a lightweight pokemon and might find it offensive of her to ask to help him out.


    After sliding back a few times, Shane finally asked, “Charlotte, can you please help me out?”


    “Thought you’d never ask,” she giggled, “I saw you struggling but I didn’t know if you needed help.”


    Charlotte picked the light Hoppip up and carried him as they continued walking threw the snow. As they walked more, more trees came along followed by benches. They must have been nearing a town or city of some sort.


    “Don’t cry Hoppip, the storm is over now,” a soft feminine voice said.


    Shane’s ears twitched as he heard the crying and the voice. His two leaves perked up and started moving around. He had a strong feeling it was his mother. “Charlotte, I think that’s my mother up ahead!” he said happily.


    Charlotte began to worry as she felt it could be bad. A human voice and pokemon voice together could only mean one thing. “Don’t get to excited, it might not be her,” she said.


    As they neared they saw a tall female in a fluffy white coat covering her smooth pale skin. A hood covered her small round face with locks of golden brown hair sticking out. Her large white rubber boots who reminded Charlotte of Seel skin were covered with spots of snow. In her arms was a large Hoppip with a small scar on its back.


    “Does your mom have a scar on her back Shane?” Charlotte asked hoping for a no answer.


    “Yes, she was protecting me one day from a Sandshrew and she got cut badly but it healed up, why?” he confusingly asked.


    “The Hoppip up there has one,” she said sadly.


    “MOMMY!” he shouted as he darted out of her hands and towards the Hoppip.

    -----------------------

    So what ya think so far? Look for the final part end of next week. Also right now im debating if this will be my final piece of writing for a little bit again. The boards have just changed. I like being here and seeig old friends but I really don't know anyone new and I wanna try and read some new fics. Plus gives me more time to work on the fic I wanna put out and im not saying if its a old or new one but then ill be really a head and now I can steadly right chapters from then on and not fall behind. See ya! And all replies welcome. Even new readers would be pretty spiffy!

    -Peace

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    Well, Charlotte's right about one thing: a human and the mother being together is probably not a good thing in this case. I doubt a trainer would want a second Hoppip, after all. Though she might want a Jynx, which would be really disastrous. This has the potential to end badly, which is kind of surprising when you consider how the fic started. Very good mood shift here, and great work with adding that bit of uncertainty. I guess we'll just have to wait to see how it all works out.

    Watch the length of your sentences, though. I noticed several cases where you combined two thoughts into one, and it got confusing at times. One example of this was the sentence that ended with Charlotte mentioning that the Skitty was in hibernation. There was a lot of material in that sentence especially, and it kind of got tangled up. It would have been easier to understand if you'd broken the single sentence up into several smaller ones. Also, you may want to cut your description back just a little. Some things don't need to be described too much, like the eating utensils or the girl's clothing. Unless they play a big part in the fic later on, you don't need to go overboard with information about them.

    But otherwise, this is turning out nicely. The potential conflict could be very interesting, and everything is very clear. You've done well with the characters, as well. Good job with this. I'm looking forward to the final installment of this. Well, see you then!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    Hey Mr Pika! Thanks! I see what you mean, I think when I get the chance aka tomarrow after school ill quick fix that up. And the thing I like with the story is there is so many ways it could end and I lov eleaving readers in mystery. I don't like making storys flat out obvious with what will happen. But will see now wont we? Thanks again!

    All replies and new readers welcome. =Peace=

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    And you had me here thinking that Shane would find his mum and everything would be all good. But no, you just had to put a cliffhanger and plot twist in there. And a great one while you're at it; it would be like a bittersweet reunion, almost, if Shane's mother has a trainer. But it's probably some good human who knows Pokemonese and is helping Shane's mother find him or something (just kidding, that's way predictable). In any case, the fic is meant to be a Christmas miracle, so nothing too bad should happen. A bit too much detail in places (the oatmeal description was a nice touch, but the whole cutlery and utensils thing...)

    Anyway, I'm sure Part 3's going to be great.
    mistysakura
    2007 Golden Pens: Co-winner of Best Poem (Rain Eternal) and Best Reviewer
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    Random thought: 2+2=5.

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    Default Charlotte and Shane: A Christmas Miracle (Part 2 up 12/10)

    Nice. I liked how Shane became a friend with Charlotte, and how he hoped to find his mom. The ending is really suspenseful, and I wonder what'll happen next. The girl with the Hoppip might be a nice person, but she could be an evil one too... I wonder. I'll just wait for the last part.

    As always, awesome description. And it'd be wonderful to see you write more, as you used to. It'd be just too good if you continued "Somewhere out there", because I liked it a lot! Whether you do it or not, I'll be willing to read anything you come up with.

    See you next chapter!

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