I Need Your Help More Than Ever!

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

I had to think very carefully of the thread title, and I still think it didn't come out well enough. Anyways, brace yourself and get ready for a long read!!

Once a psychiatrist said me that, with a mental sickness, when you start to feel the best, that's when the downhill usually starts. I think this was based on the assumption that mental patients don't usually notice their own sickness when it starts. I was in an euphoric state in September 2009 and was hospitalized at once!

Now I'm recognizing similar feelings, and I can't speak to my support staff until on Monday when they get back to work. I also can't phone the hospital because they'd call me there and I don't want to waste another year there! So I decided to come to TPM, and I think I can talk to you because you know me well and have helped me before. This is also something you know about, since you have similar experiences. You know what it is like to post and post, but then shut down your computer and do something completely different. Yes, we are getting to the point now.

It's about ME and THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REAL LIFE AND INTERNET! Like I said two days ago in another thread, ever since I began to get my hands into computers connected to the World Wide Web in 1999, I have NEVER made any difference between RL and online. When I for instance came to TPM, I was always wondering why everyone around the world made contrasts between their 'Real Life' and 'Online'. And I still do. It's as if I was the only person on the planet who acts exactly the same way online and in the real life! That's why I have encountered so many problems with, say, Facebook.

Other people seem to act so reserved online. But I talked to strangers in the same way as to the friends I met everyday and even lived with some of them. I still do. I'm so different from the others and it wasn't until 2010 when I found the word for that. Eccentricity! It was used by shazza in the THREAD he made in 2009 to gather speculations on where I had gone. If I go to mental hospital, then somebody is worried in Australia! And not just one person in Australia, many people around the world replied there. That, and the fact it's a waste of time, are the reasons I don't want to be hospitalized ever again!

I'm not bugged by the fact that I am so different from others, I enjoy my life and eventually, I wouldn't make a lot differences if I could turn back time. OK, perhaps I should have said more to MaaREIth before it was too late. I shouldn't have taken the army too seriously. I should have stayed with my Japanese class students under that roof, and not go to that rain the night before I was last hospitalized on that fateful Wednesday. I shouldn't have sent several Facebook messages.

But this makes the least sense in everything I have written here so far, here it comes!

I have had numerous nightmares/dreams/visions about the end of the world. I don't want to die because I have about one billion things I have and want to do in my life! If the end of the world comes next December, I'll fight in Armageddon and there will be no TPM in Heaven, there will no TPM in Hell! In 2000, a year before I joined TPM, I had one of my strangest dreams. I died in the dream, and traveled like Dante in both Hell and Heaven. In the end, I was in Armageddon, and the final battle between good and evil was about to start. I didn't want to team up with God, but didn't want to team up with Satan either. I wanted to stop all those billions of people from fighting and began summoning meteors to the towers surrounding us. I somehow realized I could prevent the conflict and prevail in the battle over both sides but just when those two of the buildings were about to collapse I woke up.

It's really disturbing that my 'real name' is 'Mikael' after the Archangel. I would so much like to be Mikachu instead. All my life, I have had disturbing thoughts that I must be on a some kind of Apocalyptic mission because I'm so different from other people.

But after writing this, I feel a little better and I'm still as skeptic as always. I don't even believe in destiny, because I have avoided my 'destiny' so many times in my life.

But if anybody has any thoughts on what I should do next, please share. Your posts are more than welcome.

[Blademaster]

Is there even fighting in an Armageddon scenario? I think you're confusing that with Ragnarok.

[Perfect Chaos]

There is Blade. According to the Bible, Armageddon is the location where the final battle between God's Army and Satan/Lucifer's army will take place, as part of the End of the World scenario.

To be quite honest Mikachu, I wouldn't dwell on such things too much. I'm not sure on this, but are you a Christian? And by Christian, I don't mean the religious nut-jobs and douchebags that believe that they're the reincarnation of Jesus and believe that gives them the right to persecute others of different lifestyles/beliefs/choices etc. I mean a Christian who whole-heartedly tries to do good, loves others unconditionally and tries not to wrong others by actions, thoughts, being judgemental, etc.

In the Bible, the apostle John had some revelations that were shown to him by God about the impending end of the world with similar images such as the ones that came to you in your dreams. Maybe it really is a vision from God about the future. I believe so. Now I'm hardly a devout Christian by any means (Lord knows I don't pray enough and be an overall good person to others to justify it), but I would just take it with a grain of salt. If you feel the need, just pray about it or write it down in your journal to maybe think it through a bit more thoroughly.

Hope I was able to help you a bit

[Asilynne]

You could start writing a story about Mikachu and have the character represent you as you want to be, and write the story having Mikachu do all the cool things you would like to do. Maybe a story about Mikachu's world journey meeting TPMers and having adventures along the way. I think people's brains dwell on stressful things because they don't have anything to really occupy their time and engage their mind actively, so try giving yourself a clear purpose, one thats harmless. Though keep in mind I am not a licenced professional so the only ones that can advise you properly would be the hospital staff you talk about. Still, I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to write a lighthearted story

[Samchu]

I have to say that some of the coolest people happen to be eccentric and personally I happen to think it makes you slightly more baddass than "normal" people. I've never spoken to you but I've seen what you get up to around TPM and you seem like a pretty cool, outgoing guy to me.

As for the Apocolypse...it's happened. We all missed it. Julius Caesar and the Roman calendar, aka, the introduction of Leap Years means December for the Mayans was actually...oh heck I don't know the exact maths but we passed over it a couple of months back. So I wouldn't worry too much on that front.

That said, maybe there is something to your dreams. We still can't prove what dreams are so there's no sense in writting them off completely, and approaching things with a twinge of scepticism is always good.

As for advice, I would suggest starting by writing out all the things you want to accomplish. You said there are a lot of things you want to do so I say get them on paper. It's one thing to have something in your head and quite another to actually see it in front of you. After that, start looking into what you have to do to achieve those goals, see which are long term things and which can be done sooner. Just do it, as Nike would say. It's clear that there are a lot of people in the world willing to back you up and lend you support - even from an obscure site such as this. So what have you got to lose?

[Jeff]

As for the Apocolypse...it's happened. We all missed it. Julius Caesar and the Roman calendar, aka, the introduction of Leap Years means December for the Mayans was actually...oh heck I don't know the exact maths but we passed over it a couple of months back. So I wouldn't worry too much on that front.

I hate to be nitpicky here, but I've seen this spread like wildfire and it needs to be nipped. The "correction" that people keep trying to claim puts that dreaded day a few years back, has actually already been accounted for, and is what gives rise to the December 21, 2012 date. I just find it kind of funny that people believe that the scientists who have studied the Mayan calendar just completely forgot about this whole leap year thing when figuring out which Gregorian dates correspond to certain Mayan dates.

That said, the Mayan calendar doesn't end that day. It works just like our calendar where the years keep counting up. The only reference to that day possibly being the end of the world is that the Mayans believed that there were other worlds before ours and that the previous one ended on the first day of its 14th baktun (a baktun being a 400-year cycle in the Mayan calendar), and December 21, 2012 is the first day of this world's 14th baktun. But the Mayans have made references to dates long after that, indicating that they didn't believe this world would suffer the same fate, at least not on the same day. Of course, it's all mythology anyway, so I can't see why people are so worried.

Anyway talking about that is reminding me of a certain RPG...

TL;DR version: The last four times the world ended, I came out just fine.

[ChobiChibi]

If the apocalypse did happen, yes there'd be no TPM, but we'd all be dead too. Therefore you'd end up meeting all the TPMers in heaven

I'm assuming everyone would go to heaven cos I'm an optimist like that.

[Drago]

I had to think very carefully of the thread title, and I still think it didn't come out well enough. Anyways, brace yourself and get ready for a long read!!

Once a psychiatrist said me that, with a mental sickness, when you start to feel the best, that's when the downhill usually starts. I think this was based on the assumption that mental patients don't usually notice their own sickness when it starts. I was in an euphoric state in September 2009 and was hospitalized at once!

Now I'm recognizing similar feelings, and I can't speak to my support staff until on Monday when they get back to work. I also can't phone the hospital because they'd call me there and I don't want to waste another year there! So I decided to come to TPM, and I think I can talk to you because you know me well and have helped me before. This is also something you know about, since you have similar experiences. You know what it is like to post and post, but then shut down your computer and do something completely different. Yes, we are getting to the point now.

It's about ME and THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REAL LIFE AND INTERNET! Like I said two days ago in another thread, ever since I began to get my hands into computers connected to the World Wide Web in 1999, I have NEVER made any difference between RL and online. When I for instance came to TPM, I was always wondering why everyone around the world made contrasts between their 'Real Life' and 'Online'. And I still do. It's as if I was the only person on the planet who acts exactly the same way online and in the real life! That's why I have encountered so many problems with, say, Facebook.

Other people seem to act so reserved online. But I talked to strangers in the same way as to the friends I met everyday and even lived with some of them. I still do. I'm so different from the others and it wasn't until 2010 when I found the word for that. Eccentricity! It was used by shazza in the THREAD he made in 2009 to gather speculations on where I had gone. If I go to mental hospital, then somebody is worried in Australia! And not just one person in Australia, many people around the world replied there. That, and the fact it's a waste of time, are the reasons I don't want to be hospitalized ever again!

I'm not bugged by the fact that I am so different from others, I enjoy my life and eventually, I wouldn't make a lot differences if I could turn back time. OK, perhaps I should have said more to MaaREIth before it was too late. I shouldn't have taken the army too seriously. I should have stayed with my Japanese class students under that roof, and not go to that rain the night before I was last hospitalized on that fateful Wednesday. I shouldn't have sent several Facebook messages.

But this makes the least sense in everything I have written here so far, here it comes!

I have had numerous nightmares/dreams/visions about the end of the world. I don't want to die because I have about one billion things I have and want to do in my life! If the end of the world comes next December, I'll fight in Armageddon and there will be no TPM in Heaven, there will no TPM in Hell! In 2000, a year before I joined TPM, I had one of my strangest dreams. I died in the dream, and traveled like Dante in both Hell and Heaven. In the end, I was in Armageddon, and the final battle between good and evil was about to start. I didn't want to team up with God, but didn't want to team up with Satan either. I wanted to stop all those billions of people from fighting and began summoning meteors to the towers surrounding us. I somehow realized I could prevent the conflict and prevail in the battle over both sides but just when those two of the buildings were about to collapse I woke up.

It's really disturbing that my 'real name' is 'Mikael' after the Archangel. I would so much like to be Mikachu instead. All my life, I have had disturbing thoughts that I must be on a some kind of Apocalyptic mission because I'm so different from other people.

But after writing this, I feel a little better and I'm still as skeptic as always. I don't even believe in destiny, because I have avoided my 'destiny' so many times in my life.

But if anybody has any thoughts on what I should do next, please share. Your posts are more than welcome.

...Words that often precede mass murder.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Thanks for the kind replies and constructive criticism, I know I made the introduction post quite difficult to comprehend. But you still made it and I'm thankful for that.

Perfect Chaos, I don't know what you and everyone feel about this, but I might start by stating I do share the Christian set of thinking what's right or wrong because I was originally raised to be very religious. I used to read the Bible everyday and believe everything there. But then I read a book called Sinuhe The Egyptian in 1996 and I became Polytheistic. I somehow believed Egyptians, Babylonians, Chinese, Japanese and other old cultures had their own religions older than Christianity and that was why Christianity was a 'fake' religion. Yes, I used to hate Christians BUT hold on, I eventually got rid of that during a process I went through inside my head from 2000 to 2003. I became skeptic and that's the way I am now. I don't deny the existence of God, but I also don't deny the possibility that other religions may be right as well.

Last evening, when I was re-reading this topic and there were no replies as of yet, I was frightened because I realized I might have foreseen WTC 9/11 in the vision I mentioned. The setting was quite similar in that there were a lot of buildings and towers around the Armageddon I saw. They weren't skyscrapers, however, they looked more like pagodas or castles. And I managed to damage two towers with the meteors I summoned.

Don't get me wrong, and I'm sure you won't, though. I don't really believe in nightmares. And I'll talk with my mental support, and I'll also consider consulting the nearest church.

[Crystalmaster Mike]

I salute you for being able to walk both the outside world and the web wearing the same face.
There are a lot of people direly protecting their online identity from any "real" people trying to peek in. Peer pressure, the fear of rejection...
The feeling the internet provides a means of escape from rules society lays on us, thus allowing one to break free of self-induced inhibitions... For some, this culminates in being a total arse, because they don't feel as if there can be any sort of worthwhile retribution.

...

And that's the story of how internet trolls were born.



I can't comment on the second part of your OP, MY. I've got a rational mind but a lot of emotional detriments.
I neither want to direct my life in the servitude of a hypothetical almighty being, nor deny the possibility of such an entity existing, and the inherent ethic VALUE of living by certain good standards.
The fact is, I've been typing away here, and, suffering from a misremembered password, after a moment's notice, turned off this laptop for a while to view an informational scientific program before trying to post my message again, while in third-world countries, poverty, hatred and mayhem still reign.

I don't know where or when there might come a time where "we" will be held accountable for all this.
I don't know the right path to take to make a lasting difference for the better in this plight, and whether there's any other paths besides the difficult one in this.

I do know this. The fact that one of your first honest concerns after that dream is contacting the people you've come to know on-line, and sincerely wanting to know if their world is still spinning, speaks for you.
Then there's the fact that, on a whim (deciding on a Tumblr username, actually), I decided to log back into these forums after a whole lot of months, and this is the first active thread I open.

[Magmar]

Ohh Mikael I went through a phase when I was younger where I had a very odd, eerily similar dream. In said dream, I was standing on a porch with a couple of friends and the weather was odd. Sunny and warm despite being the end of autumn. Suddenly there's an earthquake, and everything around me unravels. It was like entropy, where everything just unravels and comes undone. Like ribbons almost. It started to rain fire. And I flew up into the sky, feeling angry and betrayed and like I was heading into a battle where I somehow had the power to do something about this, to stop it, to turn back time and restore everything. To bring everything and everyone back.

I can't stress enough the impact that dream had on me for the next couple of weeks... but I knew it was just a dream. Nevertheless, I confided in a couple of friends what had happened in my dream, and it turns out that similar dreams are a lot more common than you think. My sister told me she had one once. I had an ex that had them. It doesn't mean that you're abnormal for having the dream. It just means you're concerned about the world around you falling apart and you would do anything to protect it if you had the opportunity.

The fact that I'm telling you this, and well all of TPM, should indicate to you that I'm confident that dreaming of apocrypha is a human reaction to uncertainty and fear about the future. So yes, if you feel like this has set your mind into an unstable paradigm and you are concerned, then yes, talk to your counselor about it! But if you're afraid just because you had the dream, relax, it was just a dream, a common one, common enough that I'm sure you could Google and find a similar interpretation.

Don't give up hope on the world yet--we are all still here, and you wouldn't be fighting alone if the end of the world really did happen. I'm sure we could summon up a TPM army or something

[Blademaster]

There is Blade. According to the Bible, Armageddon is the location where the final battle between God's Army and Satan/Lucifer's army will take place, as part of the End of the World scenario.

Is Bruce Willis gonna be there? Whichever side he's on will win. This has been historically proven and chronicled:






...Don't give me that "You're shitposting again, Blade." look. Levity is how I deal with tragedy.

[shazza]

While dreams can be extremely emotional at the time, the weight you place on them afterwards and their relevance to the waking reality is entirely up to you. I have no doubt that dreams can be drenched in unconscious connotations, and the full functions of dreams are still highly inconclusive, but to attempt to analyse an unconscious process using your conscious brain, to me, is an unformed process and will end up in perplexity and emotional distress. This is not to say there is an underlying dichotomy within you (quite the opposite), but thought in the traditional sense is not a good means to analyse a process of your brain that generates images, ideas etc through other mechanisms.

This is not at all to say you should not ignore dreams. Enjoy them like a television show. If you wish to try to understand them, get into meditation. Read some Carl Jung about dream insights. Dreams are more an indication of your own psyche than foreboding external events, although dreams you have may end up coming true – this, I feel, is more of an intuitive way of piecing together unrelated concepts regarding already existing happenings that make themselves consciously active at a later date. Reoccurring dreams are crazy: there is a detailed house inside my dream self since I was a child full of hidden rooms and charming architecture. I return there probably once or so a month, but it’s almost fruitless to try and visualise the house now; at best I can get is hazy remnants. But the house is there, and I know I am there when I am there.

Dreams are wonderful and until the day you die will be one of the most exciting, confusing and emotional stimulating aspects of your temporary consciousness. But don’t take them at face value. And more broadly don’t try to analyse your thoughts with thoughts. They are merely thoughts. They cannot hurt you. Accept them and allow them to flow on, no matter how paradoxical, inconsistent, immoral and confusing they may seem. Trying to fight a negative thought with a thought is just like putting gasoline on a fire.

Happy birthday!

EDIT: Oh, and there is nothing wrong about feeling no differences between your real life self and your online self. You are Mikachu. Why would there be more than one? That idea sounds absurd even to me. I've tried to refrain from there being a different online self vs a real life self, and rather my writing train of thought/ego differs to my spoken train of thought/ego. This is nothing unusual either, for they are in some ways two different ways of communicating. I think that's where some people get the mistake and feel a sense of distinction (even that's okay as long as it doesn't manifest into some form of depersonalization, which I certainly have). Everyone has multiple sides to them which are brought out by different environments, emotions, alertness, drugs etc. That's just being human. But if you feel a consistent self through all means then that is nothing more indicative of your contentment with yourself. Perhaps you yourself have subtle differences between writing and talking (my interpretation has certainly been the case), or with different people, but I think that's universal and the difference comes when someone begins to think of themselves as distinct compared to just merely being a complex person with multiple shades.

You're human and you're beautiful. Life is nothing but a dream. Enjoy it.

[Blademaster]

^What he said: Happy birthday!

[Lady Vulpix]

It's about ME and THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REAL LIFE AND INTERNET! Like I said two days ago in another thread, ever since I began to get my hands into computers connected to the World Wide Web in 1999, I have NEVER made any difference between RL and online. When I for instance came to TPM, I was always wondering why everyone around the world made contrasts between their 'Real Life' and 'Online'. And I still do. It's as if I was the only person on the planet who acts exactly the same way online and in the real life! That's why I have encountered so many problems with, say, Facebook.

I've often had the same thought too, but no, you're not the only one and neither am I. It's just that some people are afraid to express themselves when facing others in person, and don't feel that same fear in the anonimity of the Internet. And there are also some people who enjoy pretending to be someone else, and the Internet makes that possible. But not everyone is like that. I and many of my online friends whom I've had the pleasure to meet in person are as much ourselves online as we are away from our computers.

As for the end of the world, just because some crazy guys are shouting out that it's the end, it doesn't make it real. They've never been right before and this time won't be the exception.

[Shadow Wolf]

Hmm... well, I have two thoughts to share here:

1-Dreams and Nightmares are representations of our worries displayed on the most amazing, surprising and amusing manner, and with the greatest special effects. In my opinion, the constant representation of the end of the world in your dreams is probably a constant worry that you have. What exactly is that worry? Only you can tell since only you can give meaning to your own dreams. I encourage you to write the contents of your dreams and to find out what are your thoughts on each symbol which appears in your dreams.

2-The worry of your name also intrigues me, considering that at one point in my life, I was also surprised my the meaning of my name:

Louis - Hludwig - Famous Warrior
Angel - Holy Creature - Messenger
Alvarado - Who Guards Off
Ortiz - The Sky

However, I guess I just decided that what truly matters is not my background nor my name, nor anything like that, but the actions that I take and the things that I want to do. Is kinda weird to say what I truly mean, but let me put it this way: Even if I'm a teenage nobody, I'm glad that my main goal in life if to love unconditionally and that I still remain as the same innocent -sometimes naive- friendly guy towards others. My pocket might be empty, but my heart is full. ^_^

And as for you, I'll always see you as the friendly Mikachu who can make anyone smile. We choose who we want to be and what we want.

[Becky]

I really like Asilynne's idea. Channeling your thoughts into a creative process, whether it's a story or piece of art.

I know I haven't known you as long as the others here, so it's hard for me to think of you as someone who is dwelling on things. Really, I like the fact that you're so introspective and you speak so candidly. And yet, at the same time, you're really sweet and kind. You're a good guy, Mika.

[Mikachu Yukitatsu]

Thanks for the help, everyone. I feel a lot better now.

I have read all the replies already days ago, but somehow I didn't know what to say, besides thank you. And I'd also like to inform you that I'm okay. I talked with my mental support openly and I won't have to go to the hospital.

[Magmar]

I'm glad you're doing better!!

[Lady Vulpix]

That's great to hear, Mikachu. I'm really glad you're OK.