Yu-Gi-Oh!: The revenge on Yugi Mouto

[dragon684]

Yu-Gi-Oh!: The revenge on Yugi Mouto
Intro:

Six years have passed since Yugi Mouto defeated Pegasus and Became the king of games. With his grandfather completely recoveredhe decided to enter Duel city, an other tournament sponsered by Yugi's rival, Seto Kaiba. New rules where set and after some exciting and unprodictable matches Yugi was able to keep his title as King of games. Now after taking a good break from these tournaments, but ofcourse still dueling for fun, he saw this poster. Maximillion Pegasus was back and organised another tournament. Their where a couple of duelists invited without going through the placement rounds. These duelists where some of the strongest. Their was ofcourse Yugi, but also his best friend Joey Wheeler, Mai Valentine, Maku Tsunami, Rex Raptor, Espa Roba, Bakura, Bones, Bandit Keith and Seto Kaiba. A new boy in school also noticed this poster. He decided to enter the placement rounds. This boy was known as Drake. He had short, light brown hair that was set up with gel, bleu-greyish eyes that where hidden in a shadow most of the time. He wore a black jeans, a red T-shirt and a black blazer with on the back dragon resembling the red eyes black dragon but completely red. While walking home Drake looked through his own Duel deck. He looked up and quietly said to himself "Yugi, prepare for our duel. You'll need al the strenght in your body and that magical item of yours and when I'm finished with you, you'll wish you had never caused that pain to me." Drake opened a fence and stepped through, looking at his home, the orphanige. "Trust me. You. Will. Pay...."

Just the introduction. Don't have the time momentairly to write more. Take a guess at the relation of Drake with another caracter(It has nothing to do with the dragon on the back of his vest)

This is the thirth Yu-Gi-Oh! fanfic but I'll try to make this the best. Hey guys a little competition can't hurt

[Dark Sage]

I like the idea, but let me give you a tip:

Double check the spelling before you submit anything else. (In fact, triple-check.)

- Venusaur

[mr_pikachu]

A few tips. First of all, you usually shouldn't post a short prologue unless you have some meaty plot to back it up with (i.e. the first chapter). Readers are often turned off by fics that start with a short prologue and nothing else. You should try to give them something to think about; something to really pique their curiosity. That's okay, though; just remember it for next time. Also, the theme of a new duelist squaring off against Yugi's been done before. It'll take some work to get this to be original, but you can do it. Just put some creative twists into the plot, and you'll be fine. Finally, as Venusaur said, CHECK EVERYTHING. Spelling, grammar, math, the works. Leave no character unturned in your search for perfection. Once that is done, post it ASAP. Do these things, and you'll have readers begging for more. That's how it works: readers want more of a good thing. Good luck. I'll try to keep up with this fic. Let's see where it leads!

[dragon684]

First chapter is here.
thx for the tips guys. I'll try to remember it. But if I forget I can always watch here again.

Yu-Gi-Oh!: The revenge on Yugi Mouto

Chapter1: kwalification

It was the start of a new week. I headed for a Game Shop to subscribe myself for the tournament. When I openened the door a little bell rang and from a door behind the desk an elderly man appeared. He had grey hair that fell almost the same as Yugi Mouto's. He was wearing a yellow cap and a white sweater with a green overall. <He must be related to Yugi.> I thought
"Yes. Can I help you?" the man asked.
"Yes I wanted to subscribe myself for the upcoming tournament."
"Well then, may I see your deck please? So that I can check you don't have any fake or illegal cards and that your deck has enough cards etcetera, etcetera."
"Okay" I responded and gave him my deck
"Quite an interesting deck uuuuum....."
"My name is Drake. And thank you."
"If you want I can always help you with your deck."
"Nah. I don't wanna be a bother. And I prefer to win with a deck I built myself" I answered
"Well I still need your family name and your birthday."
"My family name is McRain. I prefer never to be called that way. And my birthday is the 12th of november 1987."
"Alright. Here." He handed me a slip of paper
"On that paper you find the place and time of the drawing and also the start of the tournament."
"Thank you."
I exited the shop and saw on my clock. <Oh no almost to late.>
I rushed to school to hear the bell ring just at the moment I entered the building. I stepped into my classroom. The teacher still wasn't their and I went to my usual spot in the back of the room, far from the window. The teacher entered a minute after I sat down. She immediatly started teaching and soon the entire class was bored and started to wispher and picking on eachother.

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The day of the drawing closed in soon and on wednesday at 6PM I went to a smaller building owned by Seto Kaiba. He had agreed to lent it for the tournament since he hardly used it. When I first saw the building I though <Is this a smaller building? It's as big as the mall!>
I entered and saw it was bigger then the mall. It had 2 floors which both had about 10 dueling platforms. In the center was a huge circle where everybody gathered. I took a seat and saw a man in a black suit standing next to 2 duelists. They were know as Para and Dox, 2 employees from Pegasus. When the man in the black suit had counted all the heads and made sure everybody was their the doors closed.
"Welcome duelists." He started "We are gathered here for the drawing of the tournament that will let us see who of you is worthy enough to continue to the tournament sponsored by Maximilion Pegasus. My name is Kimo and these are Para and Dox."
The two men ,that looked almost identical to eachother, bowed. The only difference between them was the color of their robes and the sign on their head.
"Para and Dox will be drawing out the names of the people who'll have to duel eachother. Their are 32 duelist here. The winner will always continue to the next round while the loser will drop off. So the finalsts will have gone through 4 duels. And now we will continue to the drawing of the names."
"On the first duel station..."Para said
"... Will be dueling." Dox continued
"Mariah and Max" they both shouted lowdly
"On the second station..." Dow started this time
"...Thier will be a duel between..."
"... Josh and Bill!"
The 2 brothers kept switching between eachothers for the beginning. I turned out on the seventh station against a girl named Maxim Hada.
"The duels will start on saturdaynoon." Kimo said " Their will be 2 duels for each. Losers of their duel may still face against other losers on the upper floor. This, however, will no longer count for the tournament. Foods and drinks will be provided. Their can still be changes made to your deck but those will have to be reported. Now go home and prepare for the duels of a lifetime."

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Saturday came slower then normal. I was actually kind of excited to begin dueling for the tournament. But when it was saturday I woke up at 10 AM. I was to late to have breakfast so I went out for a moment to go to the supermarket to buy some food. Luckely my parents left me their fortune. I quickly ate the sandwiches that I bought and returned to go to get my deck. When I entered my room I saw a person all wrapped in black. I was shocked
"Hey you. What are you doing here?"
I took a closer look at the person. HE WAS HOLDING MY DECK
"I'm just about to leave now I got wat I wanted."
"Give that back."
The mystery person laught
"Come and get it." he said. He clearly had a mans voice.
I got enraged and footballtackled him in the stomach. I sat on him and other orphans entered the room to see what was going on. I removed his mask and one of the orphans came forward.
"Paul? What are you doing?"
I got off him and grabbed my deck. I counted the cards and saw that everyone off them was their.
"Now start explaining."
"Alright" the boy said. He had white hair, but it fell the way like Gohan during the cell sage. He had green eyes and was wearing a blue T-shirt and a black joging under his ninja outfit.
"I came here to steal your deck so that you would have ot forfeit and my sister could go on to the next round without to much of a problem."
"So you are the brother of Maxim Hada?"
"Yes, but I can't tell you more since I will now leave you guy's."
he throw a smoke bomb on the ground and I saw a blurry form run towards the window and jump out. I also ran for the window and saw Paul jumping from tree to tree.
<So you want me to go down? I will make you pay for that. But first I'll embarrese your sister at the tournament.>


Still no duels in this chapter but the next one will have the 2 first rounds.
any comments are welcome(as long as they are good:p)

[Dark Sage]

Okay, the story is going okay, but your grammar could use work (heck, it's sloppy):

*Use grammar check and spell check. Three times you used "their" when you should have used "there."

*Spell out numbers that don't stand for statistics. Use "two" instead of "2."

*It is best on these fanfics to make a space between paragraphs.

If you turn in fanfics that look like grade-schoolers wrote it, people aren't going to like it much.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but to be helpful. Double-check and triple-check your chapters before submitting them.

- Venusaur

[mr_pikachu]

I've gotta agree with Venusaur here. You really need to spend more time working on these; you can't just slap stuff together and call it a fanfic. Believe me, I've tried. We're here to help each other become better writers, but we can't properly evaluate each other if there's no effort given. Plus, we also like to read some of the better fanfics for pure enjoyment, but if we know things are messed up all over, it becomes VERY difficult to do that. Take your time, write carefully, and then read through what you've written word by word. (Yes, word by word. It helps to avoid errors immensely.)

Anyway, I'll still try to read this, but most people will lose their patience with a fic when there is a lack of effort. Take your time. Really, we'd prefer to wait a month for a high quality chapter than get a below average one daily. That's how writing works. I'll see you later. Spend some more time on your next chapters, and you should be alright.

[dragon684]

Sadly enough I still have to install Office XP but I've lost the CD key. So have to wait a while till we find it again. That will help me some with the spelling and a little with the grammar.
You know, english grammar isn't easy when you actually don't speak english as a mother language. *sigh* I promise to have a closer look at my texts before I submit them. Also their will be some own created cards(like in any Yu-Gi-OH fanfic). I have most of the cards prepared for the deck but it could be I would still need to find some more. so... It will probably take up an entire month b4 the next fic. Specially if my dad starts nagging again.

[Dark Sage]

Don't feel bad. I hear ya.

As far as languages go, English is one of the hardest ones to learn. It comes naturally for people for whom English is their native language (like me), but for people of other nationalities, it is a KILLER to learn. Ask any foreign language professor, and they'll say so.

But anyway, there is no rush. We can wait. This isn't a contest, and the other fanfic writers aren't your enemies. Instal XP and you'll have fewer problems.

- Venusaur

[mr_pikachu]

Agreed. English is tough, even for many of us who were born and raised here. So I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I've tried learning Spanish, and I'm terrible at it. I'm a straight A student, and I'm barely mustering a B in Spanish... it's not fun. Don't worry, though. We're all here to help you out, and we take extra care when facing a situation such as yours.

Also, don't worry about the wait. There's plenty of time; we're not going anywhere. I hope you can find that key, and I can't wait to see what surprises are in the deck(s)! I'll stay tuned!

[dragon684]

Chapter 2: Time for revenge

I looked out of the window as Paul was becoming a very tiny spot on the horizon. I double checked my deck to make sure that nothing was missing. I checked my clock and it already was 10.30 AM. <Better get to the tournament>.
I entered through the door. It looked smaller then before because their where some stands to sell food and some spectators from the neighbourhood came to see the duels. Checking the big clock in the middle of the “duel mall” as I liked to call it, I noticed that is was 11AM. I went to the check-in and crossed out my name. I went through the list and saw Maxim wasn’t here yet, but her brother was. I looked around and saw him on one of the upper platforms. He had removed his black ninja outfit and was now wearing something that looked like a gang shirt with ripped off sleeves and broken jeans. <That outfit suits him, that stupid thief>. I also saw that his LP where still at 2000 while his opponents where already at 100. I saw his Swordstalker deliver the final blow to the opponents dragon zombie that was lured out thanks to Stop Defence. Paul raised his arms like a true victor. I know the kid he beat and he was only playing duel monsters for 2 weeks or so now.
I went back and checked the list once more. Maxim was here now. I looked around and saw Paul walk up to a girl who also had white hair and green eyes. Only her hair had grown up to her waist. She was wearing a white T-shirt and a pink skirt. <No style of fashion.>. I approached her and Paul saw me coming. He unbarred his teeth in a growl and Maxim turned around.
“Hello Paul” I said cold. “You must be Maxim.”
“Why yes I am but how did you know?” the girl asked to me.
I saw the fear in Pauls eyes. He obviously didn’t want to tell her he was planning on stealing my deck
“Never mind. So how about that duel of ours?”
“Alright. The seventh platform was kept safe for us I remember.”
“Yes. Lead the way.”
I followed Maxim to our duel platform. She took place on the red side and I took place on the blue side. One of the officials came closer and asked our names.
“I’m Drake” I said
“and I’m Maxim.” the girl responded
“We are scheduled here for our duel.”
The official checked his list and made the sign we could continue. We both lay our deck on the respective places. Then blue and red lights started to flash. The lights stopped on red indicating that Maxim could choose who would have to begin.
“I’ll begin this duel of ours.” She said
“Alright. LET THE DUEL BEGIN!” our life points both went up to 2000.
“I’ll begin with Spirit of the Breeze.” Some sort of mix between a butterfly and fairy appeared on the field. A yellow cloak was covering her face as she crossed her arms. 0/1800 appeared over her head.
<This card can take her down, but if I just can draw the magic card to finish her with in combo with this one.>. “I’ll play my winged dragon guardian of the fortress in defence.” A blue dragon appeared. He sat on the ground and his wings covered his head and 1400/1200 appeared next to him
“Then I’ll play Marie the Fallen One” a fiend that looked like a blue fairy appeared on the field and the numbers 1700/1200 appeared next to her. “Destroy that dragon Marie.”
With a wave off her wings, feathers came down on my dragon and destroyed it.
“Then I’ll now play the card I drew. The swordstalker.” The purple fiend appeared holding a yellow sword and the number 2000/1600 where shown besides him. “Revenge winged dragon. Destroy Marie.” And with a slash of his big sword he cut Marie in half lowering Maxims life points to 1700.
Maxim drew a card and her life points raised to 1900
“Oh yes when Marie is destroyed I get 200LP for each of my standby phases.”
“OW JOY! You’re going down now bucko. I will use the card I just drew, polymerisation. Now I’ll summon Empress Judge by discarding my Queen’s double and Hibikime from my hand.”
A red haired woman appeared on the field with strange markings on her face. The numbers 2100/1700 appeared under her.
“Attack Empress Judge. Destroy Swordstalker.”
With a lash of her hair my Swordstalker got squished tighter and tighter till he blew up.
My life points dropped to 1900. Tying the score. I drew another card. A magic card.
“I’m sorry I have to finish this duel so soon. I just drew Dark Hole.”
“Oh no!”
“Thank god you know what Dark hole is. There are so many beginners that don’t even know about this card. That saves my some time since I don’t need to explain it.”
I slapped down Dark Hole and a big, well, black hole appeared above the field. It sucked up all the monsters on the field.
“And now I’ll play one of my favourite cards, the Summoned Skull. And since all your monsters are destroyed he can attack your life points directly.”
I put down the Summoned Skull and my favourite fiend appeared with 2500/1200 next to him.
“Summoned Skull, Lightning Attack.”
The Skull gather electricity and shot it towards the monster card field zone. But since no monsters where their it guided through to the stand where Maxim was standing. Her life points dropped and froze on 0.
“Oh no I lost.”
“I didn’t even have to use my strongest cards yet. So I hope you’ll get some better ones next time I see you and I may except a rematch.”
I stepped down from the platform and saw Paul. He looked very angry with me. I raised my hand and waved making him grind his teeth. If their wasn’t any security I was sure he would attack me.

I went down and grabbed a burger. I didn’t see Maxim or Paul again. They probably went home. I stayed around to see more duels at none of them I saw a strong duellist. The strongest monster I saw was my Summoned Skull. After the burger everybody seemed to return. I looked at the board as officials where putting some notes with pictures up. Also they put red duck tape over the duellists that where eliminated. A new drawing took place and I ended up against someone I didn’t know, James Carter, on duel platform 4. The day went on and I watched some duels. Someone approached me and tapped on my shoulder.
“Hello. Are you Drake McRain? I’m James Carter and I believe we have a duel.” an English voice said.
I turned around and saw a boy around 15 years old. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. He was wearing black, oval glasses. He had a black suit on.
“Yeah, I’m him. If I remember correctly we are suppose to fight on platform 4.”
“Indeed. I’ll let my butler get an official. Please follow me.”
I followed him to his butler who wore almost the same black suit except that he also was wearing a matching tie. James whispered something and the butler ran off. He made a sign I should continue to follow him so I did. We made our way to our platform and took place, I was on the blue side and James on the red. An official approached, checked our names and signalled we could begin. Me and James placed our decks in places and the lightshow started. The light stopped on blue this time
“I’ll give you the honours to begin our duel.”
“Very well.”
We took our cards and the duel began.
“I’ll begin by placing Golgoil in defence and also placing a card face down.”
Some sort of giant came out of the ground and went down on one knee, using his arms to protect himself. The numbers 900/1600 appeared next to him
“Don’t you think machines are wonderful.” James started “The way they will obey humans ever command.”
“If that’s the case I’ll play Tiger Axe in defence.”
A tiger standing on his behind legs appeared. He held his axe down on the ground and kneeled besides it. The number 1300/1100 appeared next to him.
“Alright time to attack. I’ll summon Cyber Soldier.”
A blue bal appeared on the field. Suddenly a head, legs and arms sprouted of it. The number 1500/1700 appeared next to the machine.
“Alright attack Cyber soldier with destruction ball.”
The Cyber soldier formed a ball again and rolled over my Tiger axe.
“Alright then. I’ll use Neo the Magic Swordsman.”
The blonde knight appeared ready to strike.
“Attack Neo, magic sword slash!”
Neo launched towards Cyber soldier but when he slashed his sword kept stuck in mid air.
“I activated the trap card I set, Negate Attack.”
Neo returned to his position.
“Then I’ll also lay a card face down.”
“Very well. I’ll shift my Cyber Soldier to defence and play with Cyber Saurus.”
A dinosaur equipped with a laser arm appeared on the field. The numbers 1800/1400 appeared under him
“Cyber Saurus, use your laser beam to get rid of Neo.”
Cyber Saurus aimed his laser arm at my swordsman. A red beam was shot out and hit Neo right through the chest. He vaporised just like Tiger Axe and my life points dropped to 1900.
“Alright I’ll now summon Seiyaryu.”
A purple-pinkish dragon appeared on the field. His small tail seemed to be covered with knives and his beak was razor sharp. His stats appeared 2500/2200
“Seiyaryu attack Cyber Saurus with mystic flames.”
Seiyaryu flew up and blasted blue flames which made dust out of Cyber Saurus. James’ LP dropped to 1300.
“Hah, I just drew germ infection. And I’ll use it to weaken your Seiyaryu.”
Little dots appeared, hovering behind his machines. Suddenly they shot forward and in to Seiyaryu.
“And I’ll also lay Giganto in defence mode.”
Some kind off children toy appeared on the field. Only it had an axe and 2 huge balls who where covered by spikes. The numbers 1700/1800 appeared.
I drew a card and Seiyaryus points dropped to 2200/1900.
“Seiyaryu destroy Golgoil. Mystic flames attack.”
Once again Seiyaryu released blue flames from his mouth. Giganto completely melted. Once again Seiyaryus points dropped. They fell to 1900/1600
“Now I’ll play Jinzo. Now he’s strong enough to defeat your dragon. Attack!”
I turned around my trap card, Mirror force. A shield appeared in front off Seiyaryu but Jinzo, with the status of 2400/1500, broke through and destroyed my Mirror Force. My LP dropped to 1400
“Forgot that Jinzos effect doesn’t tolerate trap cards?”
“That’s right. Dammit I wasted one of my best traps. Well I’m still going to win. First I’ll play Hibikime in defence.
A blue haired warrior appeared with a blue sickle appeared. The numbers 1450/1000 appeared.
“Then I’ll strengthen my team with Pendulum Machine in attack.”
A red machine with a huge pendulum appeared.
“Destroy Hibikime Jinzo!”
Jinzo rushed forward and his mighty punch defeated my warrior.
“Then I’ll finish you off with Tyrant Dragon.”
A dark dragon appeared on the field. It was about the same height as the blue eyes white dragon. The numbers 2900/2500 appeared.
“His effect allows me to attack 2 times if there is one or more opponents on the field. Attack Tyrant Dragon. Destroy Jinzo and Pendulum Machine”
Tyrant Dragon destroyed both the machine monsters with one blast and James LP dropped to 0.

I said goodbye from James and he wished me good luck. The rest of the tournament would continue the next day. I returned to the orphanage and everybody rushed at me, wanting to hear how I did.

Long chapter. At least for me. I know the first duel was short but I doubted if I could fit more in(dark hole and raigeki will probably won't be used again)