Hey Ghost!
Well, I just skimmed through this but I have to say the opening couple of paragraphs were very strong. I was drawn in by the strength of the narrative and that neo-Noir feel it had at the beginning. Yes, the post-apocalyptic thing has been done to death (ha-ha) before, but I think the strength of the story resides in the narrative voice.
I have to say though, this feels less like a short story and more like a fragment from something much, much bigger. It seems like a high concept piece - is it purely fanfic or is it a concept you could expand on and take further?
Anyway, just wanted to reply and leave my feedback for you. See you round the forums, yes?