I was gonna save this for the first of January, but I'll probably forget about it by then.

Anyway, I was just perusing through Ye Olde TPMe Archivese when I saw a few rather recent (compared to everything else) threads there. So, I figured, why not create another one? But how to do it...

Then, it hit me. Make a topic that will stay alive for a year.

So, TPM, I open the floor for you all. Keep this topic alive for one year, no matter what it takes. No matter how controversial or screwed-up it gets... Not that I need to encourage that around here, but...

Anyway, I'll start.

I got an awesome new toy for Christmas. It's called a baby.

Babies are fun toys because of their versatility: They can be punched, kicked, thrown, pushed down stairs like Slinkies, immersed in water, set on fire, electrocuted, frozen, blended, and dropped from heights exceeding a thousand feet, and they'll STILL function! For something made in America, the baby is pretty damn durable!

Babies come with many accessories, many of which are sold separately. Some of these accessories include matches, which are struck and then placed in between the baby's toes. The baby will then either begin to cry, or even more amusingly, it will attempt to remove them, only to fail due to its hilariously oversized head weighing it down, preventing its stubby arms from reaching the burn site.

Another fun accessory is the microwave, which may be expensive, but is well worth the price. Simply place the baby inside, turn the dial to 'Popcorn,' set the timer to 5 minutes, and hit Start. Results should appear within seconds. Show off this feature in front of friends or at parties for a spectacle that'll be talked about for years! Don't you wanna be the guy that everyone remembers? "Hey, remember that time that Bill put that baby in the microwave?" That, my friend, could be you! And even if you're an idiot who manages to screw up this simple trick, don't worry - at least you'll have a hearty meal once the timer hits zero! Goes great with pineapple chunks and cocktail sauce!

Don't delay, guys - if you need to get someone the perfect gift, get them the baby. They can be bought in any hospital or dumpster for only three easy payments of $19.99. Buy one today!