The Unfinished Story - A Short Story by Yours Truly

[Zup]

Now this is a short story. Please read and rate, and tell me how you like the ending.


The Story

"It was an impossibly long time ago, far too long ago for any pokemon alive today to remember. How I, a lowly Oddish living near Celadon, know this, and know it as if I were there, I cannot answer. How come every Oddish in the area, every grass type in the whole freakin' continent, knows it, I have no clue. All I know is that I have to tell someone."

I was practically bursting. the event replayed itself, as if a broken record, that poor Bulbasaur's voice--and life--being cut off. The vision, that horrible, unworldy vision, that terrible presence which manifolds itself in every corner of my being, as if my meaning in life is to watch the incident occur again and again and again. I told myself it was my birth...but that bulbasaur looked so...primitive. I told myself it was a story, but it all seemed to real. Finally I gave up. The Story That Had Not Been Told...was being told. And to the nearest non-grass I could find. A mortal enemy. A Houndour.

Houndours as a group are disgusting, vile, despicable creatures that prey on little grasses, ripping us to shreds. However, alone these gross beings are cowardly fools. It shows you how desperate that I was getting that I was even talking to one of these dark, evil hounds that fried my brethren as they laughed scornfully...

Irregardless, here I was, dead of night, Celebi's orb high in the sky, bright enough to see my shadow, talking to a dog of the devil. He was curious, and seemed intelligent for the species. He actually seemed to understand my words, and how I was feeling.

"Wow. I didn't know you little guys could talk." He said, head cocked to the side. "Well, there goes another food. I guess I can't even be a vegetarian."

Okay, maybe he wasn't as smart as I give him credit for.

"So what is this...thing?" He said, waving his paw around.

I took a deep breath.

"It...Nevermind. This didn't happen." I said, chickening out at the last second. I sprayed a blast of sleep powder in his flaring nostrils and his slowly entered a stage a dreamy contentment. I ran. I ran faster than I have ever run in my life. The vision had disappeared for a moment whle the brute talked, but just as I had been about to spill my guts the vision came back with roaring fervor, showing me an extra part that would remain imprinted on the back of my eyelids for many days to come. It truly scared me. And I finally knew why a lowly oddish such as me knew. I suddenly figured out why all grass types, from Treeko to Bellsprout to Skiploom had these events recurring day after day after day.

And now, more than ever, I had to tell someone. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

The next day, in early dusk, the sky overcast, I heard a generaly thudding of padded feet.

The pack.

Every resident of Celadon knew that that sound was the only pack of Houndour in the region, a Houndoom at their head. It was a rumor that another Houndour was on the brink of evolving and taking over for the "leader", a primitive act if I've ever heard one.

It's well know that Oddish are not fast. Our tiny legs are our dessert for having big brains. And any self-respecting Houndour pack can catch up to an Oddish. And this pack had exceptionally good eyesight.

"Hey! It's you!" said a familiar voice from somewhere in the middle of the pack. "He's mine, kay!"

The Houndour from the night before ran out and tackled me.

"I'll rip you apart and show your guts to my friends." He said, grinning. "Unless you tell me about this thing that's troubling you."

"Hayseed, c'mon! We gotta go get that Murkrow." cried a buddy of the Houndour, obviously called Hayseed. "A dumb ol' Oddish can't outrun our future leader, can he? Hahaha..."

"Go on without me. I'll stake some guys out here." Hayseed called back. Turning back to me he grinned and said, "Forget about showing it to my friends. I'll show it to yours."

Great. Two of my biggest fears: Death and pain. I would choose the lesser of the two evils.

And I began yet again.

"See, my first vision is--" and again the vision came, but this time I knew what the entire thing meant. The knowledge was astounding. I blacked out.

"What?!?" shouted Hayseed, enraged. He gobbled the oddish down quickly and trotted off to his pack, his tiny brain barely comprehending what had ocurred.

Now, lol, do you want me to make good on this story and actually finish it? I will only if I get some feedback on the first part. Consider this a cliffhanger. Or an alternate ending.

[mr_pikachu]

I'm gonna have to be honest here. That was painfully fast, and seemed to have amazingly little depth and real storyline. In fact, all we really know is that an Oddish knows something, but got eaten by a Houndour before it could share its knowledge. We have no background of the characters, no description, and very primitive dialogue. If you seriously want someone to read this, you'll need to actually put some meaty material in there. You know, suspense, drama, comedy; that sort of thing. Without those, no story (or fic) can survive. Put some thought into this, and you may yet come out with something really good. Without a lot of consideration, though, I'm really not sure where this can go.

Start by giving us a reason to care for the characters. In a video game, you can have massive enigmas with the most critical of characters, because the player is so involved that the curiously to find out about "him/herself" is overwhelming. But in a fic, it's not too great. We need to have some quality that we can latch onto, something that motivates us to explore the realm you've created. Try brainstorming on who you really want the characters to be. If your characters are bland, your story will be as well. I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but it's a simple truth about writing. I think anyone can be a great writer if they really put out the effort. You just have to commit to doing the hard stuff, so that you have a chance to make it to the fun parts.

I will say no more.

[dratinihaunter13]

lol, what an ending ^_^;;. nice touch with the readers . all right, other than your occasional infatuation with commas, i love this story. then again, i like just about everything you do in a pokemon POV. you're really good at that. and i like the cliffhanger ending. yes sup, i'd like it if you had oddish tell the story =PPP hehe. nicely done dude

[mistysakura]

Interesting... I agree with mr_pikachu with some bits, though. I think that it would be good if we actually know what the vision was, because the ending's pretty unsatisfying. Even just a hint or two would be good, because it's pretty pointless if we don't know a thing and so don't care about the Oddish or the secret. Description would be good too, but the mystery's the main thing.

On the other hand, the pokemon POV's good.

[Zup]

Well thank you for your wonderful advice.

Now I know that I write fast and to the point. I don't like details nearly as much as I should. And like I said, I'm tired all week (three BBall games and two practices, late all week) so I'll give you the actual story (the one with an ending). The story will be much longer than it is now, for my current plan is to have both Hayseed and the Oddish captured. Then the Oddish tells you that four years later, he's looking you in the face, with those weird headphones on that allow you to hear and the mouthpiece to talk. And he tells YOU the story. And Hayseed becomes friends, etc., lol. So expect the finishing of this Unfinished Story soon, lol.