Pokemon:Crimson

[Pikachutamer]

It my first fic so don't be so mean about it OK?

Chapter 1- Flare and Squirtle
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A girl is sound asleep in her bedroom. The walls are a cream color with pokemon posters on it. A huge snorlax plush doll is laying by the window on the wood floor. A tall mirror is standing on the other wall with a few stickers on it.

The girl named Rana Yuiana,a cheerful kid with a huge love of pokemon. She has long brown hair and peach colored skin.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Her clock's alarm was going off,Rana opened her eyes and her fist slammed down on the small tiny clock. She almost broke it..

"Darn clock..."Rana muttered,getting out of her bed. She walked to the window and opened it.

It was sunny day in Pallet town,with a few clouds in sky. Rana could see Professor Oak's lab from her house.

Rana got dressed into her red and pink tie-die shirt and her blue jeans. She pulled up her long brown hair into a pony tail,her blue eyes were flashing with joy.

She ran out of her house,down the path to the lab. Pidgey and Spearow were flying in the sky. Rattata running in the tall grass and looking for food.

Rana looked at the lab,it was all white and is the biggest building in the town.

She entered the lab and saw the one boy standing there with Oak. the boy is the biggest jerk in the world (Well..to Rana) Jano.

Jano has black hair and green eyes. He is wearing a red shirt and black pants,he glared at Rana.

"Well there are only two pokemon..but one of them got mixed up with Charmander..so all I have is Vulpix and Totodile"Porf.Oak muttered,pointing at two pokeballs.

Rana went first,she picked up Vulpix's pokeball,ingraved on it was a tiny flame.
She was happy to hear that the Vulpix was a female and knew tackle and growl,thanks to breeding. "I am gonna call you Flare.."Rana muttered to the pokeball.

Jano picked up Squirtle's pokeball and looked bored. As Rana was just about to leave Jono said,"Hey rana lets battle!"

Rana sighed,she REALLY wanted to start her pokemon quest.

"Go Squirtle!"Jano yelled,throwing the red and white ball on the clean floor. A light shot out of the pokeball and it started to take form.

The pokemon was a tiny light blue turle with brown shell and huge brown eyes. "Squirt!"It cheered.

"I choose Flare!"Rana called out,doing a pose and throwing the pokeball. Out came the red fox pokemon know as Vulpix.

"Vul!"Rana's pokemon said,looking ready to battle. Oak was watching the battle.

"Use tackle!"Both Rana and Jano said at the same time. Flare nodded and ran to tackle Squirtle. Squirtle jumped in the air and was going to do a 'air tackle'.

Squirtle fell on top of Flare,she cried out as the turtle pokemon was sitting on her.

"Flare try...growl!"Rana ordered,Flare growled at Squirtle like a lion. Squirtle got off,he was scared of Flare.

"Great work! Now try tackle"Rana said,smiling. Flare ran into Squirtle's hard belly,Flare jumped off of Squirtle like it was moonwalk.

"Vul vul pix!"Flare cheered,sitting down. Squirtle got up and glared at Flare.

"No more playing around! Use tackle!"Jano yelled out,Squirtle rammed its shell into Flare,making the fox pokemon fly into a nearby table.

"V-vul.."Flare muttered,she could almost not stand up. Rana was getting worried for her little pokemon.

"Flare do you think you can try a tackle?"Rana asked Flare,her pokemon looked at its owner and nodded.

Flare growled and ran to attack. Before anyone knew it Flare had landed the tackle hard into the water pokemon know as Squirtle.

"Tle.."Squirtle said,then fell over. Jano muttered something then returned his pokemon. Rana ran over to Flare and gave her a hug.

"I have two more items to give you"Oak said,handing Jano and Rana five pokeballs and a pokedex.

Rana pointed her Pokedex at Flare.

Vulpix the fox pokemon,if it is attacked by an enemy that is stronger than itself, it feigns injury to fool the enemy and escapes. the pokedex said,showing a picture of a vulpix.

"Cool.."Rana said in aw of the red pokedex. The pokedex that Rana got was called Deva.

Rana let Flare walked next to her as she walked on to route #1.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So there it is..Now I have to think of what pokemon Rana is going to get next chapter.

[DannyBoy]

Since its your first chapter and fic, I'll go easy but everything is to help not be mean.

Your length is ok but it could be longer and I am going to tell you ways on how to help that.
Description: You need to describe the surroudning areas, people, things, pokemon, buildings, everything pretty much. Be very creative with this.

Another thing with this was the battle. Make it interesting. What do the attacks look like? What were the pokemon's expressions? What happened when the attack hit? Think about if you were watching the show or game. What do the attacks look like on there and if you do one here, describe what it looks like.

Things in your fic went a bit to fast. She wakes up, sees the lab, then shes at the lab, gets Vulpix, and battle. That was really fast and you didn't put in everything inbetween all of this happening. What was it like walking to the lab? Was she scared? Excited? Nervous? What did she think or feel when she battled? Ask yourself those questions as you right. You want to make your writing sound fun so people enjoy it.

Grammer/Spelling. For beginner you did pretty good with spelling. BUt you did have some grammer misakes. Here I will show you one,

"Well there are only two pokemon..but one of them got mixed up with Charmander..so all I have is Vulpix and Totodile"Porf.Oak muttered,pointing at two pokeballs.

That should look like,

"Well there are only two pokemon...but one of them got mixed up with Charmander...so all I have is Vulpix and Totodile," Porf. Oak muttered pointing at two pokeballs.

See the slight differance? At the end be for the end quote mark I put a comma. You always put a comma there unless you use a ! or ?.

For a starter your ok. Your fic really isn't original except with Vulpix, thats a cool pokemon. Make this fic interesting and different from a trainer fic with side plots and such. I'll keep reading to see how you do. See ya!

[mr_pikachu]

This is actually not bad for a first fic. You did alright with the description, showing her clothes and the surroundings near Oak's lab. The battle was fairly easy to visualize, as well.

I would suggest that you try to stay in the same tense, though. If your verbs are in different tenses, it makes the work more difficult to read. For instance, here's a sentence in past tense.


She pulled up her long brown hair into a pony tail,her blue eyes were flashing with joy.


I've underlined the verbs for you. As you can see, they are all referring to events that have happened in the past. Here's another example, this time in present tense.


A girl is sound asleep in her bedroom.


You can see that the lone verb in this example is talking about events that are happening right now. That makes this sentence present tense. You should have everything in the same tense, and past tense is usually preferred. However, dialogue and thoughts should remain in their proper tense depending on the situation. In that case, just imagine that you're having the conversation, and use the proper tense that way.

Other than that, I think this is an okay start. ImmortalDreams is right on his points, too. But this is fine for someone who's new here. Keep working at it, and I'll keep reading. See you next chapter!

[Gavin Luper]

Hi, welcome to Fanfic. To be honest, this isn't too bad for a first fic, you've done OK. I'll keep reading! But there are things you could do to improve it, maybe fix some of the spelling mistakes by reading the chapter once or twice before you post it. Also, see if you can add more description - a thesaurus is really great to find new words.

Keep plugging away, I look forward to the next chapter to see where this goes.

Cheers!

[PancaKe]

As the others have said, this is actually pretty good for a first fic. Nice and simple.

Just really watch your tenses. Watch whether your talking as if its happening now, or as if its already happened. Because that can be really confusing to read. But aside from that, youve got the bones to a very good fic and all you need to do is flesh it out a bit more. Description, that sort of stuff

But u got me reading.

^_^

[Pikachutamer]

Chaper 2- Pokemon center!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Flare had just beaten a Spearow. "Wow Flare your getting better at batting"Rana said,petting Flare's fuffy head.

"Vulpix!"Flare cheered,smiling. A bit later Flare spotted something.

It was a brown and cream colored bird pokemon. It was using its beck to find worms in the dirt. "Pidgey.."It chirped.

Rana got out her pokedex and pointed at the bird.

"Pidgey,the bird pokemon,it rapidly flaps it's wings in the grass, stirring up a dust cloud that drives prey out into the open. " Rana's pokedex said,showing a picture of a pidgey.

The pidgey looked at Rana and Flare,it chirped again. Rana got out a pokeball,she wanted the pidgey.

"Flare use tackle!"Rana ordered. Flare ran pass the grass and wildflowers on the route and rammed its head into the pidgey.

"PID!"The wild pidgey yelled,glaring at Flare. It started to flap its wings and got high in the air.

It flew down and dived into Flare's tails. Flare growled and a few flames shot at the tiny bird from Flare's mouth.

Rana's pokedex looked up Flare's attack.

"Ember,a Fire-type attack. Has a one-in-ten chance of leaving the target with a damaging burn." Deva spoke.

Pidgey fell to the ground,burn marks on its body and feathers. Flare watched the pidgey if attacked.

"Pokeball.....GO!"Rana yelled,the pokeball she had was thrown at the bird pokemon.

The red and white ball opened and a red light came sucked in the pidgey. The pokeball moved,the bird trying to get free.

Soon,the ball stopped and 'DING' soung was heard. Falre walked over to the pokeball and sniffed it.

Rana picked up the pokeball and opened it. Out came a white light,it formed into the same pidgey.

"Gey pid!"The pidgey cheered,smiling at Rana. Rana let the pidgey rest on her left arm.


"I can't just call you pidgey...it's too unimaginative"Rana said,petting the bird pokemon's feathers.

Rana started to think,she looked at the sky and clouds.

"Cloud..thats a cool nickname"Rana said,looking at the sky. Pidgey nodded.

"Fine I will call you Cloud"Rana said,then she returned Cloud and Flare.

Rana continued on the road to viridian city.
________________________________________

"Can you heal my two pokemon?"Rana asked a nurse behind a desk in the pokemon center.

"Yes I can miss"The nurse said,taking Flare's and Cloud's pokeballs.

Rana sat on a chair in the lobby and waited for her pokemon to heal.

Just then a smoke filled the center. Everybody in the center were freaking out.

"Spear go! Blow away the smoke!"Someone said,it was boy that looked the same age as Rana. He is wearing a green shirt with a outline of a white pokeball in the middle and some black pants.

He has jet black hair and brown eyes. He has a inlarged pokeball in his hand

The pokeball opened and out came a mean looking bird with a dark brown head and red wings.

The bird started to blow away the smoke. It crowed and flew back to the boy.

"To protect the world from devastation..."A female voice said.

"To unite all peoples within our nation..."A male muttered.

"To fight the world from bad temptation"The female continued.

"To defeat all owners of Paper mario....ion"The male said,confused.

"Janet"The female yelled,showing herself.

"Clay"The male said,still confused.

"Team rocket,fighting pokemon with all our might"

"Give up now or say good night"

"Thats right"Both people said.

Rana and the boy sighed,anime sweatdorps on their heads.

"Good lord..please don't make them say that again..."Rana muttered,looking at the two people.

The female has long black hair and green eyes,wearing a white suit witha red R on it. She was Janet.

The male was the wearing the same thing. He has dyed green hair and bule eyes. He is Clay.

Janet threw a pokeball and out came a purple shell pokemon with small eyes.
"Go get them Shells"Janet said,looking at her pokemon.

"hey how come he doesn't have a pokemon?"Rana asked. Clay looked as he was going to cry and he muttered,"I don't have a pokemon.."

The boy's spearow,nicknamed Spear,flew to charge into the shellder. Rana pulled out her pokedex.

"Shellder,it swims facing backward by opening and closing its two-piece shell. It is surprisingly fast. Deva said,showing a picture of the shell pokemon.

"Spear use peck"The boy ordered,his spearow crowed and its beck hit the shellder hard.

"Shells use tackle!"Janet said,pointing at Spear. Shells hopped across the clean floor (It looked VERY funny) and tackled into Spear.

Spear glared at Shells with it mean eyes and pecked hard into its purple shell,soon it made fainted. Janet returned her pokemon and both of the ema rocket members ran off.
__________________________________

Rana had gotten her pokemon back from nurse joy.

"I'm Kero,i would like to join your quest"the boy said,holding out his hand to shake.

"My names Rana and sure you can join"Rana said,smling. She shook Kero's hand and they left the center.

[DannyBoy]

Way to much dialouge and not enough description. Look at above post on description info. You got basic info which is ok but not good enough. Try and go beyond that and make it interesting. I like how the pokemon have nicknames though. What did the ember attack look like. Any expressions on th efaces of the pokemon? What did the pokemon center look like? See anyone interesting in there? Ask yourself questions. But like people have said this is a good starter for a first time writer. Just go over a few fics and see how they are done as inspiration. The whole motto thing was a little cliche and show like but its ok. Just take your time on your next chapter. See ya!

[mr_pikachu]

Yeah, I have to agree with ID's comments here. Also, spend more time editing. Don't worry about getting chapters up rapid-fire. No one could do an entire fic like that. Just worry about the quality of your work, rather than how fast you can post it. That's what most readers think is important. So edit thoroughly, and that will make your fic a lot better.