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Thread: Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester O_O Chapter 47 O_O

  1. #41
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    exactly what rose said. if you look up each name, you can find a meaning (except for Isem, that one was just because i couldn't find anything else to do with water.)
    come on, look at medwin, doesn't he look like the blackmail type? JK
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    editor slow. been busy. flcl rocks. here's chapter 10.

    Chapter 10

    The only sounds that could be heard were the waves splashing against the fishing boats sides. Just the sound of splashing water. The wind was in their favor, as they headed to the far shore. The water turned white with foam where the boat cut through it, then formed rippling lines behind them. Water. Wood. Splashing.

    The occupants of the vessel were silent, but their minds were anything but. Each person and dæmon cocooned these busy thoughts with their flesh and bone, not letting a whisper find it’s way out. They stared at the water, but didn’t see anything, they weren’t really looking. They heard the splashing, but didn’t listen. They felt the wind hit against them, and flap their clothes, like they were little flags for it to play with, but they paid it no mind. All they were aware of was their own mind working hard to find the answers, and sort through all the information that had been given. They all sat, together yet alone, processing.

    They reached the coast, and the boy and girl, with their dæmons, departed to the shore. The boat turned and left. With a single sigh from each, they set forward on the long walk. All they could see were rocks, trees, and ground. A family of river otters raced under rocks for shelter when they saw them walk by. They continued, making their way over these obstacles, sometimes slipping on slimy moss. But they never stopped, just continuing down to their destination. It was a long walk, but they were determined to make it. So they continued to walk, step after step. Left leg in front, right leg in front, left leg, right leg.

    They continued this silent march, until twilight found them still traveling, having never stopped. Not enough time to stop. None of the four walking were tired yet, though they had been walking since the afternoon. They had worked hard for the entirety of their short lives, and needn’t stop to rest yet. Good steady boat working was great exercise, and kept them well fit.

    Owls were coming out for their nightly hunt, and some yipping and howling could be heard in the distance. The moon was barely there, and it was a cloudy, dark sky. The wind was the chilling kind that would make you tighten your shawl, or throw a few extra logs on the fire.

    Their minds were still busy, and didn’t want to be disturbed until all the facts had been sorted and stored away. The boy had a concerned and determined look on his face. While she had a puzzled and sorrowful look. The dæmons shared their human’s expressions.

    As the clumps of trees thickened and became a forest, the girl’s dæmon was the only light that led them through the dark. So the those two went in front, while the other two followed. Now to add to the small collection of sounds was their feet breaking twigs beneath them, as they went forward. Right foot, left foot.


    As they walked, these thoughts ran through his mind:
    ‘My brother, must get there for my brother. That town doesn’t look upon Questers too friendly. They could just throw him out of the hospital before I get there, and let him die on the street. They didn’t say why or how he got injured, just that it would require expensive operations and care, and that they didn’t want him there sucking up their funds. How could they do that?! A man is brutally wounded, and dying, and they’re gonna throw him out. You’d think they’d be nicer, Questers are supposed to get free care at hospitals because of how they are going to faint in battle. But the whole town is completely against the sport. It amazes me that they even have a gym. The poor gym leader there, he must have to be really tough to live in such a Quester-hating place. I guess the reason they have that gym is so you’re well trained before going to the next city; Swarm. That place is completely opposite; the largest Questing city in the whole of Mineral Mountains. Worst before the best, I suppose. Oh, my dear brother, why couldn’t you have made it to Swarm? I’ll make sure you do. As soon as I get there, I’ll bring you to a new hospital, and you can get well and go to Swarm. Yes, you will get well. You will!’

    ---

    At the same time, this is what she was thinking:

    ‘Wow, his poor brother, dying. And so far from home. No wonder he’s acting so distant. I better not talk to him until he’s sorted through things. But he looks so worried, maybe I should talk to him, about fishing or something, to get his mind off of his poor brother. No, let him think. But, are we going to be completely silent for five days? That’s crazy! Well, not that crazy. I was completely silent with for almost four whole days. Then again, I didn’t have another human to talk to, and besides, my dæmon and I had the same things in our heads, so there was no point. On the other hand, I already know that he is worried about his brother, so I don’t have to even talk to him to know that. OK, so I won’t talk to him...for five whole days...unless he talks first.’

    ---

    A little later, this is what was on his mind:

    ‘Now that’s all settled with, I wonder what she’s thinking. She hasn’t talked since we went on the boat. She seems distant, must be thinking hard. I shouldn’t disturb her then. Nope, I won’t talk to her...for the five whole days...unless she talks first.’

    ---

    At some point, her dæmon’s thoughts went something like this:

    ‘If I know my human as well as I think I do, she’s not talking to him right now because she wants to leave him alone to think. She’s sooooo stupid. Oh well, I better not talk, or else she’ll be angry at me. Just for you, Miss Stupid, I won’t talk to you, or him, or his dæmon...for five long days...unless any of the three talk first.’

    ---

    Yet the only thing on his dæmon’s mind was:

    ‘YAY ROAD TRIP!!!’

    (AUTHOR’S NOTE: *glare* )

    ‘Oh, and won’t talk...five days...them first...’

    ---

    They walked long into the night, each one isolated. The hours crawled by slowly, like a caterpillar, but they continued to walk, nonstop.

    The owls finally flew back to their homes, with full stomachs from a long night’s hunt. At the sun’s first rays, they were still walking, now growing weary. The birds chirped and tweeted as the sun rose, displaying an amazing spectacle for them to behold. They continued onward, watching it in all it’s glory, until it was at the highest point in the sky.

    They were now famished, and sat down to have breakfast/lunch/dinner. After they ate their day’s rations, and drank some cool, refreshing water, they found it hard to get up. They put the food away, and felt their heavy eye lids fall shut. They didn’t even bother to take out sleeping bags, just lay down on the ground. Barely remembering to use their back packs as pillows, they quietly fell sound asleep.

    Except for the Charmander. He snored.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    As you may (or may not) have seen me mention in some other fics, I'm taking a break from mega-detailed reviews for awhile. School's getting me bogged down, not to mention the few extra-curricular activities I participate in. But enough about me, on to the fic!

    Overall, the chapter was great. There were a few punctuation and spelling errors, but the general writing was alright. Even though it was clearly a filler chapter. One thing I don't understand, though, is how Etchemin's dæmon (a Wailmer, right?) was able to walk on land. I didn't think Wailmer were capable of that. But I'm sure there's some explanation.

    Also, please, please, PLEASE don't use author's notes! Do you have any idea how much that detracts from the mood of your writing? It makes you look unskilled rather than funny, believe me. I know you're a good enough writer to not have to use those.

    Finally, this chapter (naturally) had a major lack of dialogue. I know that was part of the point of this chapter, but it was kind of dull without it. The way you got around it sort of worked, but it would have been better if, at least by the end, someone talked. Of course, that last bit's just my opinion, since I tend to like interaction between characters. What you did was fine, I just thought it could've been better.

    Overall, though, you did a great job. The descriptions were nice, and I had a crystal-clear mental picture of what was happening. Keep up the good work!
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Mesi is a Spheal. They could walk on land, but would be more likely to roll. Either way, she can travel on land. Probably needs help getting up and down hills, though.
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    i'm gonna miss your details, teacher (i hope you don't mind me calling you teacher. is it okay?)

    i supose that in a way this chapter is a filler, but i didn't want to say "all the sudden they are in the next town." that would be lame, undiscrpitive, and give you no sence of how long and boring there travel was. by making a whole chapter to get them from here to there, it gives you an idea of there trek, and you relise just how long they had to walk.

    ok, i get it, no authers note. i was trying to give Mesi some personality since all she does is follow everyone. or maybe i'm just to used to rpgs.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm extremely busy. When things settle down, I'll be back, so don't worry!

    About your filler comment, I have to say one thing: EXACTLY. That is exactly why we have fillers. The challenge for a writer is two things: Make as few filler chapters as possible and make the remaining filler chapters as interesting as possible. My only comment was that this chapter was a bit of a letdown, as there was no communication whatsoever. I would have almost preferred two filler chapters with a lot of interaction between the characters about their plight.

    And yes, author's notes are bad. Say what you want to say with skilled writing, not gimmicky little A/N's that make you look bad.
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    been awhile. here goes another one. enjoy.

    Chapter 11

    Months of work had tired him out, and his dæmon was almost sickly with exhaustion. However, he found that he was close to finding out the crucial information. So he decided that just this one night, he’d get a full night’s rest. But it just so happened that something came up that prevented this. He had only a few hours of slumber before he was awoken by a ‘hired watcher’ of his.

    “Sir, I have the most excellent news. I think it could tie in very nicely with your plan.”

    The man fought sleep, opening his blood shot eyes; appearing the epitome of exhaustion. Never the less, there was still work to be done.

    “Very well, proceed,” he said gruffly.

    “Yes, well I think we must hurry, but I well tell you in the carriage ride there. Your finest horses are ready to bring us.” He led his employer out of the room, down many flights of stairs, and finally into a horse-drawn carriage. The awakened man fought to stay conscious, and tried to listen intently, though he hoped his dæmon was listening too, so if either dozed off they could fill each other in on the parts the other had missed. After listening long enough to get the gist of the information, the man smiled wickedly. A scary picture that was; blood shot eyes, bags beneath, and a fiendish smile. This would definitely help along with the big plan, the one that only he knew. All of his hired spies, murderers, and such didn’t even know of what he was up to, only what they were paid to do. For example, this fellow only knew that he was to find a Quester who had been wounded in a Quester battle, and was expected to die, but just needed a I little help to be there fully.

    And so they went onward, to Hot Springs...

    ----

    Tiponi, Etchemin, Medwin and Mesi continued to not talk to one another, waiting for the others to start thinking. They had traveled a good distance by now, and only had a few more days to walk. But they also had only a few more days to get to Hot Springs before Etchemin’s brother would be kicked out of the unsympathetic hospital.

    As they walked, tired from the travel and from getting hardly any sleep, they came into a small clearing where someone had made camp. When they came closer, they saw the someone as an old man with a short white beard sitting by a small fire cooking a meal. His dæmon, a Rapidash, lay a little way away from the fire, appearing to be falling asleep.

    This man eyed Tiponi and her party as they came closer. After studying the silent bunch awhile, he remarked, “Are y’all having a fight or something, or don’t ya know how to talk? Geez, I’ve never seen such a quiet bunch of young folk.”

    “I’m Letting Etchemin think.”

    “Ah’m le’n T’pon’ ‘ere think.”

    “I’m letting these stupid humans here pretend to be polite by not talking.”

    “Ah’m be’n amused by me silly hum’n.”

    The four spoke at the exact same time. They were so desperate to talk, that they all said precisely what their reasons were. After hearing what each other had just said, they all laughed, including the old man.

    “Sit down, sit down. I expect yer heading for Hot Springs. About a two days walk left. Here take this,” he said as he handed each of them a some bread and cheese. They said their thank yous, and ate hungrily. Of course the travelers had food left for at least the next two days, but free food is always nice.

    “Thank you for the meal sir, but we’ll have to get going soon.” Tiponi announced between the last few bites.

    “Now, now. You don’t have to go that soon. I’ve been out here for almost a week now, and I haven’t seen any one in a while. All I’m asking for is just to have a nice chat.” He nodded to himself, then the lonely old man continued, “A little about meself, the name is Ol’ Harvey. I’m hired by the Hot Springs police to camp out here and keep a look out of the people coming on through to our town. Wouldn’t want no trouble makers to cause riot in our nice home, now would we?”

    Tiponi suddenly felt very uneasy. This man didn’t seem trustworthy, although he was acting like he was.

    Medwin stopped eating the food and said quietly, “Maybe we best be on our way, Tiponi.” His human agreed with a nod.

    “Now hold on just a second, ya don't’ gots to be going so soon. Now did I say I have to look over people, or didn’t I? Tell me about yourselves, why you on your way to Hot Springs?” said Ol’ Harvey. It sounded more of a command then a friendly question.

    “We’re from me’ ‘ome of Lime Stone,” said Etchemin. “Ah need ta ge’ ta me’ brotha in Ho’ Spings. You see, ‘e’s in the hos-” The man stood up, interrupting Etchemin.

    “So you did show up after all. We’ve been waiting for you,” he said sounding a lot less pleasant. “Your brother got injured by Questing, didn’t he?! And you got a letter that we would kick him out of our hospital five days after you received the note. I didn’t expect you scum so soon, but that just means less waiting for me!” The man was scary now, looking angry and hateful. His dæmon had woken up by now, and her mane and tail were flaming up with rage. The two travelers and their dæmons were petrified at the moment. This man had been sent to wait for. Who knows what he’d been told to do!

    “Mis’er, all we’ wan’ is ta take ‘im back ‘ome. Please-”

    “Oh no, you ain’t getting sympathy from me. Why are your dæmons all buff like that? I wouldn’t think you’d be needing to work out at the gym at your age. Unless it’s to be Questers, and I ain’t allowing Questers to enter my town!”

    “We’re only ‘buff’ ‘cause we’ve been workin’ on me’ father’s boa’. Lis-”

    “I think I’ll be needing to teach you a lesson. THIS TOWN DON’T LIKE QUESTERS!”

    At that, the man started charging at them. His eyes were wild, and he was reaching for a flaming stick from the. The four fearful travelers scrambled to get up and flee. They were standing up, stumbling, as the man ran towards them, waving his fire. Tiponi suddenly tripped on a root and fell to the forest floor. She could feel her heart quickening, and hear Ol’ Harvey’s feet thunder on the ground as he got closer. Medwin urged her to get up, to keep on running. As fast as she could, she rose and managed to take one step before the crazy man caught up to her.

    He grabbed her wavy, brown hair and yanked it hard, causing the girl to fall backwards with a loud thump. Tears came to her eyes from the pain that shot through her head. Fire was being brought close to her face, making her face sweat and burn. She moved her head, futilely trying to get away from the heat. The man then kicked her in the head a few times with his pointed boots. The girl could feel liquid on her forehead. She brought her hand to her face and when her fingers moved into to her line of sight, she saw red.

    Tiponi braced herself for another blow, but it never came. She looked up and saw Medwin Slashing the man, shredding his clothes and drawing blood from his knees and legs. Tiponi used the moment to stand. Her pain distracted her, and for a few seconds all she could see was black. Her vision returned quickly enough, but she then saw a Rapidash charching right at her. It raised it’s front hoofs and forcefully slammed them into the girls stomach. The wind was knocked out of her as she fell down on her back and gasped desperately to bring air into her lungs. As she struggled to breath, she felt a sharp pain in her side, and saw a little away from her that her Charmander had been thrown against a tree. The girl’s vision was now blurred from tears. Her agony was unbearable, and she felt that she would die. Then she heard some talking, or rather yelling.

    “Mesi, wa’er gun the Rapi’dash!” After that command, she heard a powerful jet of water spraying against an object, then smelled steam and heard the hissing of water on fire. After this, she heard a heavy object, presumably the Rapidash, crashing down on twigs and leaves on the ground. Then something else collapsed onto the forest floor. Tiponi blinked her eyes, trying to clear the tears from them. Salty water, blood, and dirt streaked down her face. She could taste the mixture in her mouth as she took in raspy breaths. Her attempts to see who had fallen was useless. She just wished she could faint or fall asleep to escape her misery. No such luck. Then she heard more running and twigs snapping. Who was coming at her now?

    “T’pon’, oh T’pon’, hang on!” Etchemin said desperately, as he kneeled down beside her. If he was here, that meant the old man must have been the one who fell, probably fainted because his dæmon had. Oh, thank the Mineral Mountains that they had fainted!

    She felt Etchemin’s longish hair brush against her face. The ribbon that tied it back must have fallen out in the fray. She then heard him rip some cloth, and press it against her bleeding head. He sat down, then lifted her injured head and rested it on his leg. She experienced some more severe pains, and felt blood flowing out of her head. Hopefully after having her head was raised like that would keep her forehead would from leaking so much. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to cope with her suffering.

    Then the sound of something dragging against leaves came to her ears, one of the few parts of her head that didn’t hurt.

    “That’s Mesi, bring Me’win ta me,” said Etchemin, sounding like he was trying to be reassuring. Then the sound of more ripping cloth. Tiponi assumed the boy was pressing the cloth to Medwin’s wounds.

    Just then, the girls eyes rolled back and, at least temporarily, she was free of pain, as she had blacked out.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    no comments? nothing? teacher, where are you!



    Chapter 12

    When she woke, she was suddenly released from her blissful, oblivious comfort and forced upon with torturous pain. She hoarsely screamed in agony, then felt water being brought to her dry lips. She swallowed thirstily, and tried to open her eyes. This was successful, and she was met with the sight of two blurred people. As her eyes readjusted to seeing, the two figures merged to be one and became more clear, showing Etchemin. His hair had been tied back again, and he was the one giving her water.

    “Ah’m so glad ya woke, T’pon’. Ah know ya ar’ in pain, bu’ we’ need ta be movin’. ‘E migh’ wake up soon. ‘Ere, ah’ll ‘elp ya.” He said, sounding urgent. He began to help her up, and placed Tiponi’s arm around his neck. The girl noticed Mesi doing the same with Medwin. With the help of the two Lime Water natives, they slowly made their way away from Ol’ Harvey’s campsite.

    All the unpleasant events of the recent happenings ran through the Quester’s head. Her head was still throbbing from where the old man had kicked her. What a horrific experience. And to think, if that was just one person from Hot Springs, what would the whole town be like? It was too much to think about. Thankfully, the boy interrupted her thoughts.

    “Ya were fain’ed for ‘alf a day, so we’ve go’ a day and a ‘alf ta ge’ there, with a two day’s walk. Tha’ means we’ won’ be sleepin’ for awhile. Ah’m sorreh, bu’ we’ need ta ge’ there.”

    At this Tiponi nodded, or rather made a head move in a motion that slightly resembled a nod. Nonetheless, her attempt was apparently understood.

    Sometime when she had been unconscious, Tiponi had regained her breath, and now collected oxygen easier. Now all she had to worry about was pain in her head, which felt the size of the whole Mineral Mountains. The girl tentatively brought her free hand to her forehead. There seemed to be a large bulge over her left eyebrow. She touched the bump with the fleshy part of her index fingertip. She immediately regretted this action. A sharp pain shot through her head like an arrow, and puss seeped out of the wound. When she lifted her finger away, the sticky puss and vulnerable skin stuck to it. The skin was till mending, and a scab had not yet formed. When she pulled her finger away, a small flap of skin, not yet strongly reattached, peeled away. She decided to leave it alone and let it repair itself.

    When she looked over to her dæmon, being helped along by Mesi, she saw that he had a rag fastened around his middle. When he turned slightly, she noticed that his right side, a little under his arm, the cloth was stained red. Some brownish red, like dried blood, but also some that was fresh. Oh, poor Medwin. She had felt his pain during the strike that caused the wound, and still felt a pounding in her right side. On the Charmander’s forehead was a bump, like the one on hers. If he had obtained that too, then she must have been even more hurt then she knew.

    The girl took another look at his wound. Was that what [i]her[i/] lump looked like? It looked like a person’s fist that had swelled up, covered with a blue and brownish bruise, and caked with dried blood and dirt. Not to mention a fine glaze of fresh puss. It was revolting, and made Tiponi bend over and lose the cheese and bread she had recently consumed. If Etchemin hadn’t been holding her, she would have fallen over.

    They made their way through the forest, all deathly tired and yearning to stop. But they didn’t have the time. They had to make it to the Hot Springs hospital. It didn’t help that they had been delayed by this “Ol’ Harvey” character, or that Tiponi had been unconscious for half a day, or the fact that they were wounded. At this rate, a snail could beat them to the town. But at least they were moving. What if the man woke up? He could easily catch up with them. Then again, he might not wake any time soon. After all, his dæmon had been shot at with water, and it was a fire type. It would take awhile for them to recover from that.

    “Ah think if we’ don’ stop, we’ might make i’ there in time. Ah was thin’n of leaven ya ‘ere, and ge’n me brotha. Bu’ ya need tha’ ‘ospi’al as much as ‘e does. So ah can’ do tha’. Yu need ta sleep, bu’ ah can’ le’ ya. We’ need ta ge’ ta tha’ ‘ospi’al.” Etchemin said, sounding concerned and troubled. When Tipnoi looked up at him, he had burn marks on his hands and face. Had that man done that, or the Rapidash? He also had dried blood sticking to his palm and fingers. She could only guess it was her’s and Medwin’s blood that stained his hands. Maybe from when the boy was trying to stop the bleeding.

    ‘Oh Etchemin, why did I have to drag you into the hated world of Questing?’ thought the suffering girl. ‘I’m the Quester, you shouldn’t have to put up with all of this.’

    But she could not say any of this out loud, her throat was dry, and her head pounded far to hard to speak. How could anyone hear over the banging?

    She struggled not to faint. She had barely the energy to stay awake, let alone walk. If she fell asleep, he would have to drag her. She was strong, she would keep her eyes open. Although he practically was dragging her.

    ----

    They eventually saw something other than just trees. They saw lights, and soon could hear the sounds of civilization.

    The weary travelers had walked constantly, rarely stopping, for a the whole day and a half. Still, they were in a predicament. They needed to get to the town, for obvious reasons. Yet, they didn’t want to go to the town. What if there were more like Ol’ Harvey? Oh, what to do...

    Tiponi often thought, ‘Why not skip Hot Springs, and just go to Swarm?’ It seemed to make sense. But she didn’t ask, she couldn’t. She was unable to speak because of her injuries and being worn out.

    In front of them, they could see through the thinning trees to the town they had traveled a long and difficult road to get to. They could see log cabins and dirt paths. They could hear the bustle of people walking in the town and heading home at the end of a long workday. The sun was setting, and the owls hadn’t come out yet, but they would in an hour of so.

    The travelers had made it in the time the letter had given them. Etchemin had until dawn the next morning to claim his brother. But they were too exhausted to celebrate. Being wounded and drained of all energy, they had no spirit left for cheering.

    As the four approached Hot Springs, they found that all the townspeople were whispering to one another, and exchanging glances. What was that all about? Etchemin was too set in finding the hospital to care.

    They did find the hospital, but something was wrong. There were policemen barricading the front door. Outside the hospital stood a large crowd--probably half the town--yelling and trying to get in.

    When the travelers reached the crowd, they began hearing some of what was being said;

    “-Do you think it’s true?-”

    “-How did this happen?-”

    “-I wanna see the body!-”

    This was all very puzzling, but Etchemin needed to get inside that building. Still half-dragging Tiponi, he made his way to a policeman and told him he needed to get in.

    “Step away, sir. There has been an accident, please go home.”

    “Sir, me’ brotha’s is there!” pleaded Etchemin.

    The policeman exchanged a few mumbled words with another officer next to him, then said, “Alright, kid. Come in. It looks like your friend needs some assistance, too. What’d you do? Hit her over the head with a frying pan? Geez!”

    They went into the hospital, and then to the front desk. No one was there, so the boy rang the little bell for some help. A frantic-looking woman rushed in. She looked at them for a second, then told them to follow her.

    Halfway down a hall they were stopped by a large man. “Is she here on Quester-related injuries? We don’t allow any of their kind here, not anymore.”

    At that, they were rushed out. In this mad scramble, Etchemin tried desperately to tell him about his brother.

    “If your brother was in here with Quester injuries, he died earlier today. You have no business being in this hospital, battle-lover. This facility has a new rule. NO QUESTERS ALLOWED!” At that, they were shoved out and into the crowd.

    Knowing they needed to go somewhere, before they were stoned or something by an angry mob, they went to search for the only Quester-friendly place they could think of: the Gym.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    I think i saw him say somewhere that he's not posting all teh little faults in detail anymore. Someone took it the wrong way or something.
    Mew Master's Officially Approved #1 Fan

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    really? but i liked him pointing out every little detail, it helped me learn.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

  11. #51
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    I'm ba-a-ack! But no, I'm not a teacher. And I don't plan on being one. At least not as a job. (Have you seen the miniscule amounts of money they make?)

    Sorry about not replying for so long. My school's sadistic this semester. It's like they're thinking, "Oh, it's his last semester here. Let's torture him like crazy while we still can!" Needless, to say, I've had constant mounds of homework. It's quite annoying, especially when you're trying to have a life.

    So you want me to point out every little detail? ...Hmm... Okay, here's what I'll do. From now on, I'm not posting the little details unless the writer asks me to. That way, if they complain, I can just point to the earlier post as evidence. And then, if the writer asks me to stop, I'll just stop. That seems to be the only way to go, since I don't like making people upset. Especially since I try not to do that.

    Well, this was an interesting twist. The "friendly" camper tried to kill them... and Etchemin's brother died... WHAT?!?! He died? So they traveled for a week and got the stuffing beat out of them for nothing? Oh, the sick, twisted ironies of life...

    Well, since you really like my detailed critiquing (not sure if that's spelled right)... here it is! Two chapters with all the criticisms I could stand to make!


    Chapter 11


    The man fought sleep, opening his blood shot eyes; appearing the epitome of exhaustion.

    The semicolon should be a comma, since what follows it is not a complete thought.


    Never the less, there was still work to be done.

    “Never the less” should be “Nevertheless”. One word, not three. It’s weird, but it’s actually right.


    A scary picture that was: blood shot eyes, bags beneath, and a fiendish smile.

    This time, the semicolon should be a colon. You’re following with a list, not a complete thought.


    For example, this fellow only knew that he was to find a Quester who had been wounded in a Quester battle, and was expected to die, but just needed a I little help to be there fully.

    Take out the “I”; it’s a typo.


    They were so desperate to talk, that they all said precisely what their reasons were.

    You don’t need the comma, since it just chops up your sentence. It doesn’t serve a purpose, since you only really have one complete thought.


    [I]“Now hold on just a second, ya don't’ gots to be going so soon.”

    I’m nitpicking, but you don’t need another apostrophe after “don’t”. There’s nothing to be replaced there, unless I’m missing something.


    This man had been sent to wait for.

    Who had the man been sent to wait for? You need a “them” at the end, since they’re who he was waiting for.


    Who knows what he’d been told to do!

    I’m REALLY nitpicking now, but “knows” should be “knew”, since your story is in the past tense.


    His eyes were wild, and he was reaching for a flaming stick from the.

    “from the…” From the what? Again, you need a subject at the end, which I assume is “fire” this time.


    They were standing up, stumbling, as the man ran towards them, waving his fire.

    The second comma can be taken out to make the sentence less choppy.


    As she struggled to breath, she felt a sharp pain in her side, and saw a little away from her that her Charmander had been thrown against a tree.

    “breath” should be “breathe”, the verb meaning “take a breath”. Without an “e”, it’s strictly a noun.


    Hopefully after having her head was raised like that would keep her forehead would from leaking so much.

    The “after” is unnecessary, and actually makes the sentence somewhat confusing. It’s a lot clearer without it.


    Chapter 12


    When she woke, she was suddenly released from her blissful, oblivious comfort and forced upon with torturous pain.

    Grammatically, she wasn’t forced upon the pain, but had the pain forced upon her. I’m not sure how it’d be done, but to be correct, this sentence should be reworded.


    The girl took another look at his wound. Was that what her[i/] lump looked like? It looked like a person’s fist that had swelled up, covered with a blue and brownish bruise, and caked with dried blood and dirt. Not to mention a fine glaze of fresh puss. It was revolting, and made Tiponi bend over and lose the cheese and bread she had recently consumed. If Etchemin hadn’t been holding her, she would have fallen over.

    They made their way through the forest, all deathly tired and yearning to stop. But they didn’t have the time. They had to make it to the Hot Springs hospital. It didn’t help that they had been delayed by this “Ol’ Harvey” character, or that Tiponi had been unconscious for half a day, [i]or the fact that they were wounded.

    It was hard to show due to the way I format my comments, but after “her” in the second sentence, everything was in italics until the “or” in the last sentence. I’m guessing you didn’t mean for that entire section to be italicized.


    At this rate, a snail could beat them to the town.

    Since you’re writing in the past tense, this comment should be in the past tense. Thus, it should be “could have” instead of just “could”.


    When Tipnoi looked up at him, he had burn marks on his hands and face.

    It should be “Tiponi”, not “Tipnoi”. Don’t you just hate typos?



    Those were good chapters, though. I guess the entire world hates Questers, huh? And poor Etchemin. He couldn’t make it in time for his brother. It was kind of anticlimactic after all this wait, but that’s life, I guess. You always come just short of what you need. Well, anyway, good work on this. I’ll see you next chapter!


    P.S. And who the heck was that guy at the beginning of Chapter 11? Weirdness. I have no doubt that he’ll be brought into the plot, too…
    IT HAS RETURNED.
    THE TPM MAIN SITE.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    yay, your back! do you mind if i call you teacher, though? if you don't want me to i'll stop.
    things are looking down for them, huh? well, it'll only get harder. this town hates questers. not the entire mineral mountins hates questing, though most do. hot springs happens to be the quester hating capital. swarm is the quester loving capital. oddly enough, the two town are next to eachother.

    you don't recognize the charactor in the beginning of chapter 11? he was mentioned many times before. i won't say where because it might give something away. you will be seeing more of him, and his dark dæmon (emphizis on "dark")
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Ah, I see now. So that dark guy is the League Champion, right? Or am I mistaken? Now I'm more confused than before.

    Anyway, yeah, you can still call me teacher. I don't mind. Just keep one thing in mind for me, though, okay? Remember this: The great students eventually surpass their teachers. That is a fact of life.

    Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Will a Gym battle be next, or a town riot? This should be interesting...
    IT HAS RETURNED.
    THE TPM MAIN SITE.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    here ya go, teacher. enjoy.

    Chapter 12

    When she woke, she was suddenly released from her blissful, oblivious comfort and forced upon with torturous pain. She hoarsely screamed in agony, then felt water being brought to her dry lips. She swallowed thirstily, and tried to open her eyes. This was successful, and she was met with the sight of two blurred people. As her eyes readjusted to seeing, the two figures merged to be one and became more clear, showing Etchemin. His hair had been tied back again, and he was the one giving her water.

    “Ah’m so glad ya woke, T’pon’. Ah know ya ar’ in pain, bu’ we’ need ta be movin’. ‘E migh’ wake up soon. ‘Ere, ah’ll ‘elp ya.” He said, sounding urgent. He began to help her up, and placed Tiponi’s arm around his neck. The girl noticed Mesi doing the same with Medwin. With the help of the two Lime Water natives, they slowly made their way away from Ol’ Harvey’s campsite.

    All the unpleasant events of the recent happenings ran through the Quester’s head. Her head was still throbbing from where the old man had kicked her. What a horrific experience. And to think, if that was just one person from Hot Springs, what would the whole town be like? It was too much to think about. Thankfully, the boy interrupted her thoughts.

    “Ya were fain’ed for ‘alf a day, so we’ve go’ a day and a ‘alf ta ge’ there, with a two day’s walk. Tha’ means we’ won’ be sleepin’ for awhile. Ah’m sorreh, bu’ we’ need ta ge’ there.”

    At this Tiponi nodded, or rather made a head move in a motion that slightly resembled a nod. Nonetheless, her attempt was apparently understood.

    Sometime when she had been unconscious, Tiponi had regained her breath, and now collected oxygen easier. Now all she had to worry about was pain in her head, which felt the size of the whole Mineral Mountains. The girl tentatively brought her free hand to her forehead. There seemed to be a large bulge over her left eyebrow. She touched the bump with the fleshy part of her index fingertip. She immediately regretted this action. A sharp pain shot through her head like an arrow, and puss seeped out of the wound. When she lifted her finger away, the sticky puss and vulnerable skin stuck to it. The skin was till mending, and a scab had not yet formed. When she pulled her finger away, a small flap of skin, not yet strongly reattached, peeled away. She decided to leave it alone and let it repair itself.

    When she looked over to her dæmon, being helped along by Mesi, she saw that he had a rag fastened around his middle. When he turned slightly, she noticed that his right side, a little under his arm, the cloth was stained red. Some brownish red, like dried blood, but also some that was fresh. Oh, poor Medwin. She had felt his pain during the strike that caused the wound, and still felt a pounding in her right side. On the Charmander’s forehead was a bump, like the one on hers. If he had obtained that too, then she must have been even more hurt then she knew.

    The girl took another look at his wound. Was that what [i]her[i/] lump looked like? It looked like a person’s fist that had swelled up, covered with a blue and brownish bruise, and caked with dried blood and dirt. Not to mention a fine glaze of fresh puss. It was revolting, and made Tiponi bend over and lose the cheese and bread she had recently consumed. If Etchemin hadn’t been holding her, she would have fallen over.

    They made their way through the forest, all deathly tired and yearning to stop. But they didn’t have the time. They had to make it to the Hot Springs hospital. It didn’t help that they had been delayed by this “Ol’ Harvey” character, or that Tiponi had been unconscious for half a day, or the fact that they were wounded. At this rate, a snail could beat them to the town. But at least they were moving. What if the man woke up? He could easily catch up with them. Then again, he might not wake any time soon. After all, his dæmon had been shot at with water, and it was a fire type. It would take awhile for them to recover from that.

    “Ah think if we’ don’ stop, we’ might make i’ there in time. Ah was thin’n of leaven ya ‘ere, and ge’n me brotha. Bu’ ya need tha’ ‘ospi’al as much as ‘e does. So ah can’ do tha’. Yu need ta sleep, bu’ ah can’ le’ ya. We’ need ta ge’ ta tha’ ‘ospi’al.” Etchemin said, sounding concerned and troubled. When Tipnoi looked up at him, he had burn marks on his hands and face. Had that man done that, or the Rapidash? He also had dried blood sticking to his palm and fingers. She could only guess it was her’s and Medwin’s blood that stained his hands. Maybe from when the boy was trying to stop the bleeding.

    ‘Oh Etchemin, why did I have to drag you into the hated world of Questing?’ thought the suffering girl. ‘I’m the Quester, you shouldn’t have to put up with all of this.’

    But she could not say any of this out loud, her throat was dry, and her head pounded far to hard to speak. How could anyone hear over the banging?

    She struggled not to faint. She had barely the energy to stay awake, let alone walk. If she fell asleep, he would have to drag her. She was strong, she would keep her eyes open. Although he practically was dragging her.

    ----

    They eventually saw something other than just trees. They saw lights, and soon could hear the sounds of civilization.

    The weary travelers had walked constantly, rarely stopping, for a the whole day and a half. Still, they were in a predicament. They needed to get to the town, for obvious reasons. Yet, they didn’t want to go to the town. What if there were more like Ol’ Harvey? Oh, what to do...

    Tiponi often thought, ‘Why not skip Hot Springs, and just go to Swarm?’ It seemed to make sense. But she didn’t ask, she couldn’t. She was unable to speak because of her injuries and being worn out.

    In front of them, they could see through the thinning trees to the town they had traveled a long and difficult road to get to. They could see log cabins and dirt paths. They could hear the bustle of people walking in the town and heading home at the end of a long workday. The sun was setting, and the owls hadn’t come out yet, but they would in an hour of so.

    The travelers had made it in the time the letter had given them. Etchemin had until dawn the next morning to claim his brother. But they were too exhausted to celebrate. Being wounded and drained of all energy, they had no spirit left for cheering.

    As the four approached Hot Springs, they found that all the townspeople were whispering to one another, and exchanging glances. What was that all about? Etchemin was too set in finding the hospital to care.

    They did find the hospital, but something was wrong. There were policemen barricading the front door. Outside the hospital stood a large crowd--probably half the town--yelling and trying to get in.

    When the travelers reached the crowd, they began hearing some of what was being said;

    “-Do you think it’s true?-”

    “-How did this happen?-”

    “-I wanna see the body!-”

    This was all very puzzling, but Etchemin needed to get inside that building. Still half-dragging Tiponi, he made his way to a policeman and told him he needed to get in.

    “Step away, sir. There has been an accident, please go home.”

    “Sir, me’ brotha’s is there!” pleaded Etchemin.

    The policeman exchanged a few mumbled words with another officer next to him, then said, “Alright, kid. Come in. It looks like your friend needs some assistance, too. What’d you do? Hit her over the head with a frying pan? Geez!”

    They went into the hospital, and then to the front desk. No one was there, so the boy rang the little bell for some help. A frantic-looking woman rushed in. She looked at them for a second, then told them to follow her.

    Halfway down a hall they were stopped by a large man. “Is she here on Quester-related injuries? We don’t allow any of their kind here, not anymore.”

    At that, they were rushed out. In this mad scramble, Etchemin tried desperately to tell him about his brother.

    “If your brother was in here with Quester injuries, he died earlier today. You have no business being in this hospital, battle-lover. This facility has a new rule. NO QUESTERS ALLOWED!” At that, they were shoved out and into the crowd.

    Knowing they needed to go somewhere, before they were stoned or something by an angry mob, they went to search for the only Quester-friendly place they could think of: the Gym.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default chapter 13 of TDLQ

    wow. 2 months and not one reply.

    Chapter 13

    The sun was just rising when the man got home. He stroked his Umbreon dæmon as he exited his carriage. What an exhausting night. He had traveled all the way to Hot Springs and back without a lick of sleep. He could see warm colors on the edge of the sky as he entered his domain. Drat, he’d have to put up with a bright sky while trying to sleep. Why couldn’t it be cloudy, or something? The man found his way up stairs, many flights of stairs, and into his bed chamber.

    “We finally get to sleep, Layla. How long has it been, a week? Well, I feel absolutely worn out. Yes, your eyes are bloodshot too, my dæmon. Off to bed we go, then. The plans can wait for now.” Said the man. He changed and crawled into bed, pulling his comforter up to his chin. The Umbreon jumped onto the bed and lay next to him, with her head on his stomach. As he drifted into sleep, and let his body rest, his mind reviewed the happenings of his little outing. The long journey. Coming to the town. Sneaking into the hospital. Lurking to the Questing-injured chap’s room. Putting the black leather gloves on his hands. Approaching the victim. Pinching the boy’s nose closed with his index and thumb. Covering his mouth with the palm of his black glove. Waiting. Hardly any struggle. Then leaving, and a long trip home. The man smiled to himself. Yes, suffocation was always the way to go.

    “Mr. Claec, will that be all?” asked a man in the doorway.

    “Hmmm. You wouldn’t mind spreading the news?...” mumbled the sleepy man, as he drifted into sweet slumber.

    ----

    Tiponi and Etchemin had been sleeping for a few days, but at least they had a safe place to be. The Gym Leader of Hot Springs had allowed them to stay, seeing they had no where else to go. They had just appeared at her gym door that night, and practically collapsed from fatigue right there. So she invited them to stay, and they’d been there since. Sleeping. Maybe for a whole week. Etchemin had woken days before Tiponi. He had so much on his mind. After all, his brother had just died. He had grown up with this person, looked up to him. And now... oh, how could this happen? It couldn’t be true. He tried to soothe his mind with lies, but reality was to harsh, and very present in his mind.

    This went on for a few days. Him haunted by his thoughts, and her sleeping. The day she did finally wake, the bump on her forehead had healed and was considerably smaller. She still felt dizzy and times her vision went black for a few seconds before returning.

    The two’s wounds, physical and mental, were taking their time in healing. The Gym Leader of the town, who’s name was Keezhee, had been letting them stay with her.

    While Tiponi was still asleep, Keezhee would talk with the boy. The Fire-type Gym Leader seemed happy to have company. She talked about how no one in the town would ever speak to her, because she was involved in Questing. In fact, her house had been burned down before, and a gym or even a place for a gym denied. The ‘gym’ was really just her backyard. And now that the hospital was not excepting any Questers, the Gym Keader’s house would also have to be the Questers’ hospital.

    Etchemin knew he had to go home to tell his parents the news. Yet, there were two things holding him back. First was Tiponi. He couldn’t leave her. What if she died, too? So he would stay by her side until she awoke. Second was his folks. He knew he would have to face them, but he couldn’t bear telling them. His brother was dead. He was having trouble coping with it himself, he couldn’t deal with his family. Not yet.

    ----

    It was so strange. Yes, very strange. It’s hard to explain it. Dark, yes dark. And large, yet suffocating. Many, but all of them alone. All waiting, for something that would never come. Sad, very sad. But why?...and who?...strange...

    Her thoughts spun in her head, but all of them too quickly. She couldn’t grasp any of them, as mush as she wanted to. As her mind focused, on them, they fell further away. She tried to catch them, but they hid from her. Now she could hear...birds. And she could feel...something in her arms, warm. Now her sight was coming back. From black to...bright. Way too bright. She squinted, and her eyes became teary. After awhile she was slightly more used to the brightness, but all was blurry. She looked to see what was in her arms...orange, curled up, with a flame...a Charmander! Her dæmon! Then everything started rushing back. She, Tiponi, had gone Questing. Got stamps, met people. Etchemin, and boats. Water, walking. Man, scary man, hurt, pain. Hot Springs, sleep. She was at the Gym. But this didn’t look like a Gym. There was something else she was forgetting, but what? She hadn’t been there. It was like…a dream. Why couldn’t she remember her dream?

    Her eyes stopped tearing and she blinked for awhile until the brightness started to become colors. Then into shapes, and then into objects. A table over there. Chairs that way. Under her a thick blanket. Over her a thinner one. She was on the floor, in a small room. No...a house. She was in the Gym Leader’s house! And over on that chair was... She squinted harder, trying to clear the fog over her eyes. A person, who was sleeping. It was…was it Etchemin? Yes, it was Etchemin. Mesi was curled up next to him.

    Just then, Tiponi felt something wriggle in her arms. It was Medwin. First he stretched, then yawned, and rubbed his eyes with his little orange paws.

    “Morning, Medwin.” Tiponi whispered. Her voice was crackly, and her throat dry.

    He looked up at her with sleepy eyes and said softly back, “You beat me to waking up again.” This made the Quester smile.

    Sometime during Tiponi and Medwin’s short conversation, Etchemin had woke up. Tiponi could tell because when the girl looked over to were he had been before, he was coming to her.

    “Oh, T’pon’ Ah’m su glad ya woke up.” Said the boy.

    “Ya, we’ve bin worried sic’ abou’ ya for the pas’ week.” Added his dæmon.

    “A week? I’ve been asleep for a week? I must have been really tired.”

    After he gave her and her dæmon some water, the Gym Leader came into the house.

    “Ah, so your finally awake. Well, that’s a good sign.” The Gym Leader was a large, strong looking woman. She wore modest clothes and had a very odd dæmon. In fact, it was some type of pokémon that Tiponi had never seen before. How to explain it…it looked sort of squat, and like some type of bird. It must have been some type of bird because it had a beak and wings, though it didn’t look like it could very well fly. It had a red body with a blue stomach, a red beak, some sort of...flippers for feet, and blue circles around it’s eyes. Not to mention the sort of triangle and arrow things on it’s head, back, wings, and tail.

    Keezhee noticed that Tiponi was staring at her dæmon.

    “Koni’s a Galapaguin. Not a very common pokémon, very rare actually. Most people never heard of him, I wouldn’t expect you to.” She began to answer Tiponi’s unspoken question. “He’s Fire-and-Water type. Odd fellow, closely related to them strange penguin creatures up near Glacier City, ‘cept Koni’s sort of tropical, instead of cold-lover.” The Gym Leader turned to her dæmon. “But you’re not a cold-lover, are ya?” She stroked it’s head. “You like a nice dip in the hot springs, ain’t that right?” The Galapaguin made deep-throat noise and tilted it’s head back while closing his eyes.

    “Ho’ springs, ma’am?” questioned Etchemin.

    “Well, the town’s named after them. You see, there is a large mountain filled with this burning hot liquid called lava. The whole mountain is filled with the stuff.” The woman began. Tiponi began to remember this fact from history class back when she was in school. Many people believed that this mountain of burning liquid had once been gigantic. But after billions of years it exploded and formed a large land mass in which the Mineral Mountains grew from. The mountain, having exploded, was now at least 10 times smaller.

    “Anyway, that huge mass heats the groundwater near it, which just happens to run straight to our town. Neat, huh? That’s why we call this here town Hot Springs.” After a short pause her and her dæmon walked to another section of the house.

    Tiponi’s eyes were still slightly blurry, but she had just about gained her vision back. She pulled off the covers that lay tangled over her, and began testing her limbs and muscles. All of them were sore, but working. The girl then started to stand. Her legs wobbled a bit under her weight, but they were able to support her. Her matted hair hung in a tangled mass from her scalp. She began to blush at the thought of her hair being like this in front of Etchemin. With Medwin still in her arms, she made her way slowly to the nearest chair -which happened to be one at the table- and sat down. She could feel her tired bones thanking her as the body weight was now being more evenly distributed. The Quester then used her hands to try and tame the wild light brown mass that clung to her head. As she attacked it, palmfulls of white powder fell, looking like one of those snow-globes you see in toy store windows. Though her “snow” was nothing as glamorous, and certainly nothing any child would want for their birthday.

    Etchemin sat down in the chair next to her, with his dæmon sitting on the floor next to him, looking worried.

    “Ya feelin’ be’er, T’pon’?” he asked.

    “Yeah, I think so. Still a bit sore.” Tiponi answered, hoping he didn’t see the snowstorm falling from her hair. She tugged at it more to free some more of the knots, but it was slow progress.

    Keezhee suddenly appeared with Koni. They placed some food on the table and encouraged the two travelers and their dæmons to eat. Tiponi didn’t even pay attention to what was placed in front of her. All she knew was that it was edible, and that she was famished. Throwing her hair aside, she began to tear into it like a starved Houndour.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    *pauses* ...Did I not reply to the previous chapter? I was certain I had...

    Well, sorry, since it appears I somehow missed your earlier update. I suppose that day was filled with updates. Come to think of it, my fic dropped to page two every day after I updated during that period... maybe I missed yours because of that. My apologies.

    I've got a lot of fics to look at tonight, but if I can get to it, I'll look at the chapter before this one as well. Anyway, here are my comments about your latest chapter...


    He had grown up with this person, looked up to him.

    Somehow, calling him "this person" doesn't sound quite right. "Them" seems better, despite the fact that it'd be the second use of the word in one sentence.


    He tried to soothe his mind with lies, but reality was to harsh, and very present in his mind.

    The second "to" should have be spelled "too".


    Him haunted by his thoughts, and her sleeping.

    I'm not sure if "Him" is the right word, to be honest. It sounds okay, but that may just be my native dialect getting in the way. But I'm certain that "her sleeping" is incorrect, since you're not trying to speak of the sleeping as if Tiponi owned it. It would probably sound better if you reworded it, anyway, since the replacement(s) would be a little awkward-sounding in the sentence.


    She still felt dizzy and times her vision went black for a few seconds before returning.

    I believe you mean "at times" rather than just "times". And before I forget, the cluster of paragraphs was a bit awkward, since they are chronologically mixed up. Sometimes that can be a good thing, but here it messes with your clarity.


    [I]And now that the hospital was not excepting any Questers, the Gym Keader’s house would also have to be the Questers’ hospital.

    Two things. One: "excepting" should be "accepting". Two: "Keader's" should be "Leader's". Don't you just hate typos?


    He was having trouble coping with it himself, he couldn’t deal with his family.

    The comma should be a seimicolon, since these are two independant thoughts with no connection. And a period would sound choppy, I think. Of course, the choppiness is only my opinion.


    She couldn’t grasp any of them, as mush as she wanted to.

    The word "mush" should be "much".


    As her mind focused, on them, they fell further away.

    The first comma is unnecessary.


    Sometime during Tiponi and Medwin’s short conversation, Etchemin had woke up.

    The phrase "had woke" should either be "had woken" or just "woke".


    “Oh, T’pon’ Ah’m su glad ya woke up.” Said the boy.

    “Ya, we’ve bin worried sic’ abou’ ya for the pas’ week.” Added his dæmon.


    With both quotes, the word after the quotation (Said, Added) should not be capitalized, because it's really continuing the sentence, in these cases.


    That’s why we call this here town Hot Springs.” After a short pause her and her dæmon walked to another section of the house.

    It should be "she and her dæmon", not "her and her dæmon", because "her denotes possessiveness, and you can't say she owns herself. Well, not if you want your sentence to be gramatically correct, anyway.


    This was a pretty darn good chapter. You're getting better, and I can see you're picking up new techniques along the way. Still, figuring out when to use them and when NOT to use them is important. You're doing very well, though.

    Hopefully I can look at the other chapter at some point tonight. If I can, I'll make sure to edit it in! (Or, if you've already replied by then, I'll just make a new post.) Until then!


    P.S. wow. 2 months and not one reply.

    "2" should be spelled out! And "wow" should be capitalized! Gaaahh... *slaps your wrists with ruler* Get studying! Much learning to be done!


    EDIT: Okay, I've finished rereading the prior chapter! Here are my comments...


    When she woke, she was suddenly released from her blissful, oblivious comfort and forced upon with torturous pain. She hoarsely screamed in agony, then felt water being brought to her dry lips. She swallowed thirstily, and tried to open her eyes.

    She awoke… she was released… She hoarsely screamed… She swallowed… sensing a pattern here? Use a little variance in your words.


    This was successful, and she was met with the sight of two blurred people.

    “This was successful…” just doesn’t seem to cut it. It seems too much like one of my old lab reports. Try something else with the same meaning. I’m sure you can come up with something.


    The girl tentatively brought her free hand to her forehead. There seemed to be a large bulge over her left eyebrow. She touched the bump with the fleshy part of her index fingertip. She immediately regretted this action.

    Again, no grammatical errors, but these sentences are a little choppy. You could easily combine two of them into one sentence, or even form a total of two sentences from the four original ones.


    Was that what her[i/] lump looked like?

    Here, you accidentally messed up your italics. Don’t worry, I’ve been there. (And yeah, I had to switch to bold for that example to accurately show my point.


    [I]It didn’t help that they had been delayed by this “Ol’ Harvey” character, or that Tiponi had been unconscious for half a day, or the fact that they were wounded.

    This is the end of the earlier mistake with the italics. I went ahead and made my text the same as yours, again, just with more bold.


    When Tipnoi looked up at him, he had burn marks on his hands and face.

    “Tipnoi” should be “Tiponi”. Oh, and saying that “he had” the burns is a little incorrect, since it makes it sound like Etchemin was just burned since she last looked at him, which isn’t true. She just noticed the burns then.


    She could only guess it was her’s and Medwin’s blood that stained his hands.

    The word “her’s” should not have an apostrophe. All pronoun possessives lack apostrophes, like “his” and “my”.


    Maybe from when the boy was trying to stop the bleeding.

    I understand the effect you wanted, but it still looks wrong from a critical viewpoint. One way to write this with correct grammar would be to show it as being Tiponi’s thought. Then, the grammar wouldn’t matter.


    The sun was setting, and the owls hadn’t come out yet, but they would in an hour of so.

    The “of” near the end of the sentence should instead be “or”.


    “There has been an accident, please go home.”

    The comma should be a semicolon. Yes, I know it’s a quote. But punctuation should still be correct, even in quotes (unless, of course, you’re showing someone talking very fast, or another effect of that nature). The dialect, words, speech pattern, etc. can be perfectly screwed up, and I won’t complain. But the punctuation still must be correct.



    You're getting better at this. I'm noticing a lot fewer mistakes per chapter than I used to, and now I'm seeing next to no actual grammar mistakes. I've seen more errors on some chapters of the "legendary" fics than I have on these recent chapters. Well done.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Wow. Why haven't they made you a mod yet? You are so much more devoted to every individual chapter of every fan fic then anyone else. I move that you be a mod. My dæmon, a Newfindland (in case you wanted to know), seconds my motion. It has been properly moved and seconded that mr_pikachu -
    I've been going to way too many Parlamentry Procedure run meetings...

    Have I told you that I have an editor who corrects my mistakes? If the grammer and spelling is getting better, perhaps she is to congratulate, not me. Hey, i still make all the same writing mistakes from when I was in second grade.

    Another bit of news; I've had this chapter in the storrage bin, along with 14 through an almost finished 17, for about four months now. I have some sort of theory that i should have about seven chapters stored up before I post a new chapter. something is wrong with me in that respect. Rose, my editor, says there is no point in storing them like that, and that i should just post them. I don't know.

    Pluss, I haven't been able to work on the newest chaptor. Here's the deal, we have two computers in my house; and upstairs and a downstairs. downstairs has internet. i have, to this point, typed all the chapters on the upstais computer. however, in a tragic accident. that happened when i was not home, the downstairs computer got destroyed gecause someone spilled something on it. so the upstairs computer's keybord was brought to the downstairs computer, leaveingthe upstairs computer keyboardless. this mean that to continue my fic, I would have to type it on the downstairs computer. but for some reason, maybe because I don't have any privacy on the downstairs computer, maybe because i have gotten used to the atmosphear of the upstairs computer, maybe becuase the upstairs computer is older so you can save something on a floppy from it then bring it downstairs but that doesnt work visa-versa, or maybe because i never have a long enough time on the downstairs computer because its the only computer in our house with internet which cause there always to be a traffic jam waiting for it that includes my sibblings and my parrents. whatever the reason, i haven't been able to write a new chapter on the downstairs computer. i am at a loss.

    sooooo, now that I'm done rambling, thats where i stand at this point. however, since it's summer vacation now, perhaps I'll have more time on the computer.

    BTW, did you know that i started the idea for Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester exactly two summers ago? I got the idea after reading the His Dark Materials seires, and decided to create a fanfic. however, it wasn't untill last summer that i actually started posting it on the web. i took a long time creating the setting, charactors, and plot. trust me, i have big plans for the plot. I've left some foreshadowing of what is to come, but only Rose knows what everything means.

    And another thing, the Galapaguin i put in the fic, i created that pokémon four years ago. I've been dying to do something with it. actually, i have. Its registered as a fan-made pokemon on a site called Pokefactory. my sister goes on it reguarly, however i dont so i cant remember the web site. i'll have to get it from rose when she gets back from vacation. anyway, after i inevented Galapaguin, I wanted to do something else with him, so I planned to put him in a fanfic. i have the original scetch I made of it, and the pre evolution, Chicuine. I'll get a link later so you can so them.

    You pernounce Galapaguin like Gu-la-pu (as in Galapogas) guin (as in Panguin)
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    just by reading her posts you can see that she still isn't teh best at spelling

    It's called "The Pokemon Factory", not the Pokefactory. And currently their site is being moved or something, or I'd give you the address to it, as well as the pokedex of Ramfrio, another pokemon Shayna and I made up together a few summers back. But they still have up their Ezboard, where they accept suggestions of new fake pokemon. Although they're not accepting any now, because thye have no site to put them on. In any case, you can still look at suggestions if you want to, or talk about pokemon news, or sometimes participate in a group discussion to hammer out the details of yet another fake pokemon.

    (And Shayna, they're spelled "Chicuin," "galapagos," and "penguin".)
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Well, part of the reason I'm not a mod is because, during the mod contest, I aggravated a few of the moderators by posting a reply to every single comment on the contest thread. Then we got to the stage where we had to explain our opinions on spam... and I was gone, just like that. But I've made friends with a few of them over the years, so there's still hope!

    I can understand your feelings about having a lot of chapters prepared before posting any. If you feel that you want to be sure of your plot before you move on at all, then keep on doing that. But remember, some readers can become disinterested in a fic if you leave them hanging for too long. And I'm certain you've got some closet readers here, as all fics do. So just keep up a good balance of updating and having some chapters in reserve, and you'll be fine.

    About the computer issue: I totally get your point. For the last several weeks, the internet's been down on my computer, so the only way to update was to transfer my fic's chapters via floppy disk to my parents' comp. And they're always around, so I had some reservations about doing that. The ideal thing to do, for me, was to wait until they were out doing something to post. Thankfully, my net connection's back now, so I can update much, much easier.

    Interesting points about your fic. That's a lot of time on development, even for some professional authors! (Seriously!) That's good that you've thought everything through. Many writers work things out on the spur of the moment, and either write themselves into a corner, or just run out of ideas to keep readers interested. Planning is a good thing, even though I don't particularly enjoy it myself.

    And MTR, you might actually want to take that link out of your post, and just PM it to me or something. I'm not sure how strict the mods are being lately, but there is a rule about posting links to competitor's sites. Of course, since it isn't to the general EzBoard site, it may be okay. I dunno. But I just thought I'd warn you about that. And hey, don't give eevee-shayna so much trouble. I noticed several mistakes in YOUR post as well, actually. We all make mistakes.

    Well, I'll be leaving this thread for now. I'll talk to you guys later!


    P.S. Thanks for the compliment about the mod thing, but I've still got some improving to do, IMO. I do appreciate it, though. It really brightened my day!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Chapter 14

    Many days had passed, too many to count. Tiponi, Medwin, Etchemin, and Mesi fought hard to regain their strength. Since the incident in the forest, they had all been worn out, and were still coping with the loss. All were now strong again, and feeling much better.

    “Etchemin, wanna talk for a bit?” asked Tiponi after a long day of training. Medwin stood near her, wiping his sweat-drenched face with a towel.

    Etchemin took a long swig of water before replying with a gasp, “Yea’, sure.”

    “Well, we’ve been getting our strength up and everything lately and I was thinking, well-“

    “She wants to know if you think she’s ready to challenge the gym leader.” Piped in Medwin, while taking the towel away from his face.

    “Ah thin’ the girl’s rea’y.” Said Mesi. She smiled at Tiponi, then looked up at her human for some input.

    He paused awhile, thinking about it. Tiponi watched his face, trying to find the slightest trace of what he was thinking. Did he think she could do it, or was he just trying to think of a nice way to say she couldn’t. The longer the pause, the more worried she grew. Why was it taking him so long to answer?

    While this pause still went on, Keezhee walked into the room. Her and Koni were in mid-conversation, talking about something they’d heard in town. The four travelers didn’t really pay attention to their discussion, but the rude Charmander did interrupt them.

    “Pardon me, but my human and I are ready to challenge you, isn’t that right?” Medwin looked up at his human. She covered her face with her hand at in embarrassment at his tactlessness. The dæmon nudged her with his elbow.

    “Yeah.” Said the embarrassed girl quickly, eyes squinted shut.

    “See, I told you they’d ask soon.” Proclamed Koni to his human.

    “Alright, alright. Come on, let’s go to my back yard.” Answered the Gym leader unofficially.

    Tiponi gave one more questioning glance Ethcemin’s way, before being dragged off by her dæmon.

    The Gym Leader, Quester, and their dæmons made their way to the “gym”. Tiponi and Medwin took a gook look around to get an idea of how they might be able to use the field to their advantage in battle. The yard was a fenced-off rectangle, with a smaller rectangle marked out inside it by some logs that were half-buried into the ground. Inside the smaller rectangle was a grassy area, in the middle of which was a section with some rocks and many patches of long grass clustered together. They could hear some water bubbling and trickling somewhere, and guessed that there was a hot spring somewhere near the yard.

    “Ok, the whole fenced-in area of the yard is the Rim.” Explained Keezhee. “The area inside the logs is the Rec. Typical Gym battle rules apply; dæmons have to stay inside the Rec, and their humans stay in the Rim. Battle goes until faint or forfeit, and the winner must care for the loser until they regain consciousness. Hand me your Quester Parchment, please, and then we can get started once everyone gets into position. Oh, and try not to catch the grass on fire; I’d hate to have to pause the battle to put it out,” she added with a smile.

    The parchment was handed over, and Koni and Medwin stepped into the Rec. They faced each other from opposite sides of the Rec, with the area of rocks and long grass clustered between them.

    “Ready…? Start!” called Keezhee.

    Koni immediately ran and dove into a thick patch of tall grass. Even before Tiponi called “Ember,” Medwin spat out a fireball at the thick grass. The cluster was burned away to reveal…a rock. The Galapaguin was nowhere to be seen.

    A sharp command of “Water Gun!” momentarily baffled the Quester and Charmander, until Koni stuck his head out of a different patch of grass a little ways away from the one Medwin had just scorched to ashes. Koni shot a quick blast of water at Medwin, then ducked back into the grass before the attack even hit.

    Medwin was too surprised to dodge, so the attack hit him square in the face. He ran forward and fired another Ember at the patch of grass, only to have another, much larger Ember slam into his side. Tiponi looked in the direction it came from, and was just in time to see Koni duck back into another patch of grass.

    “That’s good, Koni! Now use Body Slam!” called Keezhee. The penguin pokemon jumped out from the patch of grass closest to Medwin and started running toward him. Although his waddling run looked kind of funny, but Tiponi and Medwin knew they were in deep trouble if he landed his attack.

    “Medwin, try to dodge, then use Slash!” Tiponi called to her dæmon. He nodded, and got ready to sprint. Both were surprised when Kino put on a sudden burst of speed, then leapt at Medwin. He tried to dash to the side, by the Galapaguin crashed down on his back, knocking him down. Tiponi staggered, as Medwin tried to deliver a Slash, even though it was hard for his arm to reach the pokemon on top of him. But Kino opened his beak and shot one more Ember at Medwin’s head knocking him out immediately.

    Etchemin hurriedly clambered over the fence as Tiponi fell to the ground, and was by her side seconds later, while Kino was still standing up to get off of Medwin.

    “Oh, T’poni. Ah’m so sorry,” he whispered, before carefully picking the Quester up. Koni did the same to Medwin, and they carried the fainted pair to the beds that Keezhee was already setting up.

    ----
    Etchemin stared at the sleeping girl, hoping she’d wake soon. He looked at her bruises and cuts, using soap and water to tend to them. The gym leader who had beaten her had gone to sleep by now, and the boy knew he should be too. But the guilt trapped up in him wouldn’t allow his eyes to shut, so he kneeled next to her, and her dæmon, tending to them.

    “AhI guess i’s me faul’ tha’ ya los’. AhI shoul’ ‘a told ya tha’ AhI belive’ in ya.” He whispered. He knew she couldn’t hear him, since she was asleep, but it felt good to let it out, anyway.

    He then began to explain how he didn’t want her to battle, because waiting for it was what was keeping him from going home. He dreaded going home more then anything. Or maybe even more then that, he dreaded her getting more hurt then she did in the forest.

    The boy found that the more he confessed, the better he began to feel. Mesi finally realized why he hadn’t said he thought she was ready before the game. So the night went on in this pattern, and his mental wounds finally began to heal.



    ~~~~~

    A little short, true.
    Again, thanks for your previous comments Teach, you're always trustwourthy.

    Just a little question I've been wanting to ask, Pikachu or anyone out there, do you consider TDLQ a trainer fic. Or advanture, mixed, or something like that. Just wondering how its veiwed. I know trainer fics aren't the most liked fanfics for the simple fact that there are so many of them, and without a twist or diferent plot they can get a bit monotanis. I'd like to here your comments.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    You did a bit better this time. Of course, that's partially owing to the fact that this chapter was pretty short, but it was good nonetheless. I couldn't find any errors at all until the battle got underway. But here are my comments.


    He tried to dash to the side, by the Galapaguin crashed down on his back, knocking him down.

    The word "by" should be "but". I make mental errors like that, too.


    Tiponi staggered, as Medwin tried to deliver a Slash, even though it was hard for his arm to reach the pokemon on top of him.

    There's no need for the first comma, as it just clutters up the sentence.


    The gym leader who had beaten her had gone to sleep by now, and the boy knew he should be too.

    The phrase "should be" at the end of the sentence is in past tense, making it grammatically incorrect. You need to do something to put it in past tense. A change along the lines of "needed to be" might work.


    But the guilt trapped up in him wouldn’t allow his eyes to shut, so he kneeled next to her, and her dæmon, tending to them.

    To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure if "kneeled" is a grammatically correct word. You might want to check that. If it isn't, I believe that "knelt" might be a suitable replacement. But I'm just not sure on this one.


    Mesi finally realized why he hadn’t said he thought she was ready before the game.

    I'm not sure if you meant to say this, but I don't really think of Pokemon battling as a "game". I just think of it as a "battle", or something related to that. "Game" just sounds too trivial to me, but I can see how it could work. It's your call here. If you think it fits, leave it in.


    You're getting a lot better at this, and you should be proud of your development.

    I don't think of this as just a "trainer fic". It's also a crossover, IMO. If you didn't know, a crossover combines two series or other works into one fic. You're doing it with Pokemon and the twist with... "His Dark Materials", I believe. It's working quite well, and it's definitely not monotonous. I think of it as a nice change from the typical trainer fic, because there's a lot more intensity involved. You can't just walk away from a lost battle and heal your Pokemon at a Pokecenter. It's more serious than that. Then there's the issue of dealing with type disadvantages... but I won't even get into that. I'll just say that I'm rather surprised that more people aren't reading this.

    If you aren't doing it already, I'd suggest announcing your updates in the appropriate sticky thread on top of the Fanfic forum. That will help readers find out about your fic. It works well for me, anyway. And remember, you'll always have silent readers out there. I'm certain that I'm not the only one reading your work. You should be proud of your creative crossover here.

    I'll see you next chapter!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Hi Teacher!

    thats an interesting point about pokemon battling not concidered a game. the way i was using it there was in the scence of it being a sport. football, basketball, hockey, ect are sports, however they are alos called games. another example is the Olympic Games. I suppose games has two meanings. in greek atholigy, when humans where invented, hey were given the gift to creat games (in the scence of sports). i know i'm goig a little in depth with this, but i guess i was just looking for another way to potrat the sport. writing "questing" and "the sport" gets a bit monotanis, and "game" in the right scence seemed like a suitable replacement for that line.

    Me? Getting better? *happy human dance*
    i should credit my editer, mtr. she is the one who does the correcting and appently she's improving. ^_^

    I'm very glad that you're enjoying my fic. i'm very attached to it and it's nice to know someone else is enjoying it. that goes for any non-postinf readers. as long as the fics being read and enjoyed, i'm happy.

    announcing updates... thats a good idea. why didn't i think of that? for next chapter i'll remember that.

    And remember, you'll always have silent readers out there. I'm certain that I'm not the only one reading your work. You should be proud of your creative crossover here.
    *happy happy happy* ^_^
    Arigato!
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    sorry for this long pause. im having trouble writing the latest chapter because of computer trouble.

    though i have a question for you, teacher. is it posible to have a 350 mile long rope bridge that takes, say, 36 to 40 hours to cross if you continualy walk? my sister are aurguing this write now because in the mineral mountains there is such a bridge between Erie and Glacior(as seen on the Mineral Mt. map). its important for the stroy and I would like you to add your opinion on the mater.

    Id also like to add that acording to the ginnus book of world records, the longest rope bridge in the world is 47 miles long.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Hmm... is it between two mountaintops, or something?

    I suppose I could see it, even though it'd be extremely dangerous. The reason is that, as you've said, most people in the world don't like Questing. So they're not likely to care if someone dies while crossing the treacherous bridge. They would also likely not keep it in good repair, for the same reason. I could potentially see it, but it is a little farfetched, in my opinion. That's just a little bit too far of a length. If you could find a way to cut down the distance some, it could work. For instance, you could have "rest areas" that break up the massive walk. Even a ledge on a mountain would be better than sleeping on a swinging, highly dangerous rope bridge.

    If you really need it that distance, then you'll be able to find a way to make it sensible, I think. Where there's a will, there's a way. But a 350 mile long rope bridge over who-knows-what with no breaks is a little bit past sensibility. Just find a way to make it sensible, and it'll be fine.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    i could posibly have a suport coming Erie mountain and Glacior mountain, which would give the bridge a bit more stability.as for rest stops, the bridge is designed as a quick way to cross between the mountains, without having to detour all the way down one mountain and all the way up the other mountain. its designed for people who are well trained and willing to walk for such a long period of time. so rest stops are nice, however not probible because this bridge is hanging in between to mountains. you just have to be able to croos it in one go.

    Ive got some side news. this just goes to show how obsessed i am with my own fic. 1) Ive got many pictures and portrates of charactors from tdlq and im getting a scanner soon, so they will hopefully be available on my picture site. 2) I did saddly make a poster size drawing of tiponi's head, etchemin's head, medwin's head, and mesi's head, all infront of a detailed drawing of the mineral mountains, with a sunset melting into the mountains and Tiponi Dæmon League Quester writen in the clouds above. i wish i could scan it for you all, but its a huge drawing and i dont think it would be posible. 3) Yes, i have even made TDLQ pins. i made 3 or 4 and there in my room at the moment. 4) I know ive gone crazt, because i just finished burning the TDLQ soundtrack last night. i could put it on the internet if anyone is interested in hearing it. its just a bunch of songs in chronolodgical order that express majior points in the fanfic, complete with an opening theme (Crashing Down by Sugarcult) and an ending them song (Follow you down by Gin Blossoms). however, some of the songs potray events that have not yet happened in the story as you know it. I just wonted you to know what ive been up to. and yes, i realize i need help. then again, i don't really value my sanity ^_^.

    yes, im working on the latest chapter. ill try and hurry up. our comp decided to catch the Trojin, so the computers a bit slow at the, moment.
    also, i start school tomarrow. that also might slow things a bit. sorry again.

    ok, back to writing.
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    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Chapter 15

    Chapter 15

    Etchemin debated with himself and Mesi for quite some time. Tiponi had finished training, and competed. But she lost, so she might be hurt again. Though it was her fault this time, and he really ought to be getting home...oh, bother.

    He really didn’t want to go home, but his family needed the news. Maybe he could send a letter. No, that wouldn’t be civilized, sending a letter saying his brother was dead. He had to tell them in person, before his parents went crazy wondering what had happened to their sons. They needed the news now, face to face.

    So it was decided; he would leave now. It would be better to go before Tiponi woke up. He couldn’t bear saying good bye to his wounded friend.

    Etchemin stood up from place in the Gym leader’s back yard where he had been thinking, and walked silently to the house. The morning dew flew from his feet like little droplet people, trying to escape the doom his sandal brought forth. The droplet creatures rose up with every lift of his shoe, and scattered back into the thick, lush grass, only to be stirred up again.

    He found the door, and walked in to the small one-room house that was the Fire Type Gym Leader’s home. Taking a few deep breaths, as if hoping the air inside might bring him more confidence, he shuffled to where Tiponi lay asleep.

    She looked so strong when she was awake. Yet when she was asleep after defeat, she appeared only a mere child. She lay curled up on a cot on the floor, Medwin in her arms, and blanket over both. They had seemed to invent a way of sleeping that without burning the blanket, or each other. Tiponi lay on her side, head and knees tucked in. The Charmander positioned his head on her shoulder, and stomach to her chest, like they were hugging. His tail poked out from under the covers and away from the two, keeping them fire-free. Etchemin noticed that the tail didn’t lay on the ground, but slightly propped itself up, so the flame was never touching the ground. Wouldn’t the tail get tired after a while? Well, maybe it’s a natural Charmander instinct; to keep their tails propped up even when asleep. That made sense, but the boy had never thought about it before.

    As he stared at them, then began to turn away, he noticed the girls eyes twitch, then open into thin slits.

    “Etchemin?” she said in a soft, slightly melodious voice.

    He continued to look at her, a quarter turn away. Even now when she wasn’t fully awake, he could see the strength return to her face. Rosy color returned to her cheeks, and she began to look, just as when she was completely awake, that she could conquer the Mineral Mountains, with a gentle but firm hand.

    Something in this face of hers melted something inside of him, and the thought of leaving right now was not even a possibility.

    “Ah’m ‘ere, T’pon’. Don’ ya warry, Ah’m here,” he said quietly, in almost a whisper.

    ----

    Then again the cycle continued, Tiponi awakening, then training non-stop with her friend and the Gym Leader. The girl, though recently faced with defeat, refused to let it get to her. She just put her chin up, and tried harder in training.

    Though avoiding angry mobs of the town was a factor, they still continued to become stronger Questers. Most of the time they didn’t leave her property. When they did, they went were few people would find them, like in the woods, or by the springs.

    Etchemin, Tiponi, and their dæmons were still entranced by the thought that a natural body of water could stay hot, and didn’t need to be boiled to be warmed. Amazing. They certainly enjoyed hot baths after a long day of training. Medwin had a bit difficulty with this, having a flame and all. Though he felt ridiculous about it, he allowed his human to hold his flame above the water by grasping the tail directly under it. With the fire taken care of, the dæmon would happily swim around, even bringing his head under the warm, clear water.

    It was during one of these bathing trips that Quester and her companion heard about a messenger coming to the town the very next day. All towns and cities are always excited for a messenger to come, and this one was no exception. Little did the small-town girl know that was where all the mayhem and disaster would start.

    ----

    “‘E should be ‘ere any minu’e now. Come on, ‘urry up!”

    “We’re coming, Mesi.”

    The gang left the gym later then they had planned to, and headed to the town square, to hear the news the messenger would bring. The town square was up a steep hill, fairly far away from where they came.

    Tiponi was very un-lady-like, gathering her skirt and petticoats in fistfuls, as she made her way up the hill. She was in such a hurry, she exposed her ankles quite a few times. Before this whole journey had started, the girl wouldn’t even dream of doing such a thing, even for a second. But after all she’d been through, she hardly cared at the moment.

    “He’s arrived! I see ‘im! I see ‘im!” shouted various excited children of the town. It seemed that the joy they produced was contagious.

    A cloud of dust could be seen racing towards them. Soon the could settled doen and a man on his Ponyta could be seen, slowing down to stop in front of the eager crowd that awaited what the messenger had brought.

    When he stepped off the beautiful creature which was his dæmon, water was brought for them both. He leant on her cloudy white hide as they both appreciatively drank the water presented to them. The human finished first, and he pulled a large bag off of the Ponyta’s back. He began the normal routine of taking out each letter or package and distributing them out to the recipients. The lucky people who had their name called out and a letter handed to them, looked at the neatly folded papers and wandered away from the crowed to read in a bit of privacy. Smiles and tears followed as they found out news. Neither Etchemin nor Tiponi received any of those papers, but neither expected to.

    When the man finished with the distribution of all the contents in the bag, he collected what the towns people wanted to send out, as his dæmon began telling the gossip. She seemed to enjoy doing so, and it gave her human a break after all that name-reading.

    She told how the weather had been poor here, there was a good crop harvest there, nothing too interesting. But apparently the big news was saved for last. Next to Tiponi, the Lime Stone boy became stiff and alert as they and the Gym Leader heard the news.

    “...And the last thing on that’s going on, and such, is that there was a questing related death in this town of Hot Springs.-”

    The crowd all began to talk at once, and a moment later silenced, as one.

    “The current Quester Champion has heard the awful news, and sympathizes for the loss, as well as any other Quester-related tragedies and such. He feels he is responsible for the pain caused for the sport’s followers. He also feels it’s his duty to protect them all, and therefore believes it is necessary to contemplate restriction or even banning orders on the lot of it…”

    At that, there was a loud whoop from the town’s folk. Only but three humans and dæmons were horror struck. This couldn’t happen! Restricting or even banning the sport that they had come so far for? That wasn’t right! An outrage is what it was!

    The Questing-lovers in the town ran back to the gym, bewildered, and still in shock.

    After a long silence in the lonesome cabin, the Galapaguin thought out loud, “Maybe it’s only talk. Could be all rumors, all lies. O-or he could just be saying that until the death thing has died down.” The group mumbled wordless answers, and left their eyes on the floor. They gazed at it as if the ground was the most spectacular thing they’d ever seen, and it required each being’s complete attention.

    “Why would the guy want to get rid a sport that he loved so much he became Champion?” said Medwin angrily, examining a particularly interesting patch of dust on the floor.

    “For safety’s sake.” Grumbled Mesi, to no one in particular.

    Tiponi stood up, and said confidently to the others, her dæmon included; “Well, I’ll just have to collect my badge now, and be headed off to Swarm before he does. Come on, let’s battle.” Without protest, the group made their way to the backyard that substituted as battling grounds.

    The yard looked just as it had after the last battle, except some bright green grass shoots had started to grow where the long grass had been burned away. Tiponi handed the Gym Leader her parchment without even being asked, and the two humans took their places at either end of the ring.

    Tiponi kneeled down and motioned for Medwin to come over to her before the battle began.

    “Try to burn away all the tall grass right away, before he can use it as cover,” she told her dæmon. “That might give up a bit more of an advantage.” Medwin nodded, then walked over to his spot inside the Rec, facing Koni and his human.

    “OK, same rules as last time, so there’s no nead to go over them again,” said Keezhee. “Ready….start!”

    Medwin had already been preparing his first attack, and the prepared Ember shot from his mouth a split second after the battle’s start was declared. Koni, however, did not run straight into the grass as he had during the last battle, instead choosing to hold his ground and shoot a Water Gun at his opponent. Medwin saw it coming, however, and quickly dashed to the side, causing the attack to miss him completely. The Charmander spat a second fireball at Koni, who was again running for the cover of rocks and grass. But the Ember had done it’s job; most of the tall grass was burned away. Medwin had also remembered to fire the attack at where his opponent was going, not at where he was, and the Ember flew straight into his side. The Galapaguin seemed unfazed, however, and dove in among the rocks anyway.

    As he disappeared among the rocks, Tiponi heard a splash. Standing on her tiptoes to look, she caught a glint of sunlight on water, and a bit of steam rising. As Koni popped up among one of the few remaining clumps of grass, Tiponi could see water running off his feathers. She soon realized what this meant; there was a small hot spring in the middle of the battlefield! With the rocks and hot water there, it was the prefect place to avoid Medwin’s Ember attack. If Koni stayed there, Medwin would have to get close to land an attack. But if he did, Koni could use Body Slam again…oh, dear.

    Medwin valiantly fought anyway, dodging the small Water Guns and Embers that were rapidly being fired at him, and Growling loudly whenever he got a chance.

    “Koni, give him a Screech!” Keezhee called to her dæmon. The bird pokemon opened his beak and emitted a ear-piercing shrill sound that had everyone but Koni and his human covering their ears.

    “Now, Scald!” yelled the Gym Leader. Koni briefly ducked under the water again, then shot a large blast of water at Medwin, who was still trying to shake off the effects of the previous attack.

    The attack looked a lot like a Water Gun, except the water was flecked with white foam, and it was so hot it steamed even in the air. It slammed into Medwin’s side, and he and his human let out cries of pain simultaneously. The boiling hot water hurt so much! It was like the time Tiponi was bringing a pot of hot tea to the table, but tripped and splashed the whole pot on the front of her dress. She had gotten a painful burn from that, and it seemed the same had happened here. Medwin could already feel the skin of his side getting raw from the water; in no time at all it would get red and maybe blister.

    Despite this, he refused to give up. He regained his balance, for the attack had nearly knocked him off his feet. Growling again, he desperately tried to think of a plan as he ran, staggering, off to one side. Koni had jumped on top of a rock as Medwin regained his footing, and fired another Ember at the Charmander. Medwin shot one back in response, and the two attacks met in the middle. Koni’s larger fireball pushed Medwin’s back, and the smaller attack was pushed back into it’s owner. The double attack knocked the Charmander back, and out. Tiponi, who had kneeled down after the Scald, collapsed on her side.

    Etchemin sadly raced over to her. Tears in his eyes, he again carefully picked up his friend and carried her to the house to rest and recuperate.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

  27. #67
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    This was pretty good. The description was good in the beginning, and the only criticism I can make there is to be sure you don't over-describe. That can get dull to a reader eventually. The bit with the messenger was nice, as well as surprising.

    There were, however, some things I'd like to point out.


    But she lost, so she might be hurt again.

    This is in present tense, while the rest of the chapter (and the fic, for that matter) is in past tense.


    Though it was her fault this time, and he really ought to be getting home...oh, bother.

    This sentence actually combines tenses. "was" is obviously past tense, but "ought" is present tense. It needs to be changed, maybe to something along the lines of "needed to".


    Maybe he could send a letter.

    I'm still debating on the grammatical correctness of this one. "Could" might potentially mean "was able to", but it could also mean "has the option of". So depending on your point of view, it could be correct or incorrect. It is ambiguous, though, and is a bit confusing because of it.


    The morning dew flew from his feet like little droplet people, trying to escape the doom his sandal brought forth. The droplet creatures rose up with every lift of his shoe, and scattered back into the thick, lush grass, only to be stirred up again.

    Um... this is cute, yes, but kind of out of place for the mood of the fic right now. In my opinion, at least. It's more comical than anything. This isn't a situation for comedy, though. Not the right mood.


    He found the door, and walked in to the small one-room house that was the Fire Type Gym Leader’s home.

    It's not grammatical, but... was it called a "Gym Leader" in this fic? I didn't remember it that way...


    They had seemed to invent a way of sleeping that without burning the blanket, or each other.

    I think you're missing a word or phrase somewhere in here... you need a verb acting on "way of sleeping" besides "seemed to invent", because of the word "that" after the first phrase I mentioned. And there isn't one.


    Well, maybe it’s a natural Charmander instinct; to keep their tails propped up even when asleep.

    The contraction "it's" means "it is", which is in the present tense.


    Soon the could settled doen and a man on his Ponyta could be seen, slowing down to stop in front of the eager crowd that awaited what the messenger had brought.

    Frankly, I'm unsure of what you're trying to say at the beginning of the sentence. "doen" isn't a word to my knowledge, and "could" isn't a noun (in the first use in the sentence).


    “...And the last thing on that’s going on, and such, is that there was a questing related death in this town of Hot Springs.-”

    You don't need a hyphen if you're ending the sentence.


    With the rocks and hot water there, it was the prefect place to avoid Medwin’s Ember attack.

    The word "prefect" should be "perfect".


    Medwin could already feel the skin of his side getting raw from the water; in no time at all it would get red and maybe blister.

    Because you've used the phrase "would get", you can't use "and maybe blister" in the way that you did. You either need to add something like "it would" again after "and", or change the word "blister" (one option here would be "blistered").


    Tears in his eyes, he again carefully picked up his friend and carried her to the house to rest and recuperate.


    Also, I thought that the transition from the discussion to the battle was very abrupt. Some extension of it, like Keezhee asking Tiponi if she was sure she was ready, or something.

    Otherwise, though, you did a good job. The little things made this chapter good, like the gossiping Ponyta and Etchemin's dilemma. This was nice, in my opinion.

    Well, I'll see you for the next chapter!
    IT HAS RETURNED.
    THE TPM MAIN SITE.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gavin Luper View Post
    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

  28. #68
    Resident Freak Cool Trainer
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    Default Chapter 16

    right now i'm wating for my newest chapters to be edited, but i'm working on chapter 23 right now. so heres the chapter you've been waiting for. and so the plot thickens! enjoy! ^_^

    Chapter 16

    ”This is impossible!” screamed a dark man, accompanied by a dark
    dæmon. His frustration was fueled by weeks of work, and not much
    progress. Heat from the lava deep in the earth rose to warm his
    chambers, drying the ink in his quill before it reached the paper.

    Another man made his way to the room. “Sir,” he said a little
    hushed, afraid of the anger the man had just displayed. “Sir, I have some good news?” He said this as a question, wanting the man’s permission to talk.

    “Oh, go on then!” said the dark man, his patience tested.

    The second man leaned into the room, and talked a bit quickly, as if
    he wanted to leave the room and its inhabitants as soon as possible. “Good news sir, the “gossip” has been distributed by all the messengers.”

    “Really.” The man said with slight interest. “Well, this is a start.
    If only I could figure out this damned formula!” he yelled. The second man knew a time to leave when he saw it, and he saw it right there.



    ----

    He’d seen her like this only too often lately. All curled up on that cot, in Keezhee’s home. He couldn’t stand her looking so weak, so helpless. Mesi wasn’t even looking any more, said she didn’t want to see them like that. Would it always be like this, she lying unconscious from a lost fight? Maybe she would never win, and they’d be stuck in this losing cycle. No more, no more could he stand it. His parents needed him and he’d waited long enough here. It was time to face the horrid facts and go home.

    Wordlessly, he wrote a quick note to no one in particular that he was leaving. Then Etchemin and Mesi walked out the door.

    ----

    “Etchemin?”

    She blinked a few times then said it again. “Etchemin?” No one answered her. She was so used to seeing him when she woke, that she had begun to rely on him being there. Her eyes began to focus, yet the room was empty, except for an orange spot in the corner.

    “He’s gone Tiponi. Him and Mesi. They left, they’re gone.”

    Tiponi squinted and saw Medwin holding a paper. “Medwin, is that-.”
    She stopped right there. She didn’t want to think about it. She sat there in silence, and waited for her eyesight to return to normal. When it did, she stood up and walked to the door. She looked out and found it to be just past dawn. She noticed that the leaves had started falling from the trees. The Crop Gathering season would be sooner then she thought. Flashbacks of her childhood reminded her of how much she enjoyed the Crop Gathering Festival, and how much fun she had then. It was one of Mineral Mountain’s most treasured traditions.

    Tiponi turned away from the door and headed toward the kitchen area of the house. She left the door open so that some fresh air could keep her company in the house. Medwin followed his human and they began to make a meal. After they ate, they began to clean the house, wash clothes and sheets, dust, and any tidying up they could think of. The sun was past peak as Tiponi was taking the laundry in after drying.

    As the human and dæmon couple brought in the last of the load, the house’s owner finally returned.

    “Out with you,” was her greeting.

    “Ma’am?” Tiponi said, puzzled.

    The gym leader walked right past the girl and said, “Collect your things and out with you.”

    Tiponi didn’t move.

    The gym leader turned to the girl and said, with a bit of anger in her voice, “Look, the town has banned Questing within city limits. I’ve been in court all since yesterday. You aren’t allowed here anymore, I have to pay them a fine, and I don’t know where I can come up with what they’re asking!”

    Tiponi answered back in a tiny voice, “But I haven’t defeated you yet.”

    Keezhee turned away from Tiponi again, and went to the Quester’s bag.
    She searched through it until she found something-Tiponi’s Quester parchment! The gym leader then took out her wax stamp, pressed it in the correct spot, then signed her name next to it.

    “Now, git!”

    Tiponi took her parchment back, collected her belongings, took some food for the road, and headed away from the town.

    She didn’t want to be seen by the townsfolk, so she traveled in the woods, like she was wanted by the police. Was she? Not in Swarm. She stopped for a second. Should she even be going to Swarm at all? Maybe home would be a better choice. She thought about this option. Only one thing was wrong with it; she couldn’t face her father with a badge she shouldn’t have earned. He was a proud man. Still, she could explain to him the situation. He’d understand. The homesick girl started on the path that would, in a few months walk, bring her home.

    She had barely gotten a mile when she heard some crying. It sounded like a child, and Tiponi couldn’t help but follow the cry to see if she could help. She passed through pricker bushes, sharp leaves, and pesky mosquitoes, but she kept on going. Even when her dress snagged on a branch, or the thorns scratched her arms, she kept walking toward the sound. She was like a moth draw to a flame.

    When she finally passed through the thickets, she saw a little boy and his unsettled dæmon, currently in the form of a Treeko, perched on a tree limb. His shoes were mud-covered. His arms were also criss-crossed with scratches from pricker bushes, and his face dripped with tears.

    As Tiponi walked forward, she stepped on a stick which produced a loud “crack”. The boy turned his head to see a girl and her dæmon staring back. He moved too quickly in an attempt to climb higher up the tree, and lost his balance. He grabbed for his dæmon, and ended up pulling her down as well. As they neared the ground, Tiponi ran forward to help. With arms stretched out in front of her, the girl raced to the falling child as fast as she could. He fell into her forearms, between the elbow and the hand, causing her to lose her own balance and fall face down into the pointy sticks and sharp rocks that made up the forest floor.

    The boy rolled out of the Quester’s arms, then stood up, brushing the sticks and leaves he’d acquired off his pants and shirt. Tiponi slowly stood up, her eyesight having blacked out, and then fading back in. She shook her head to clear her vision, and winced at the thorns, sticks, and rocks she had gathered in her arms, legs, stomach and face from that fall. When she regained her feet, she pulled off what seemed to be the entire forest floor from her front side and arms. Medwin helped, though continued to mutter how irrational his human was.

    The boy approached his rescuer. “I’m sorry you got hurt, lady. You scared me, is all. Thanks for catching me.” He said, holding his dæmon in his arms.

    Tiponi’s reply was a sharp cry of “Ow!” as she pulled out three splinters from the back of her hand.

    Medwin appropriately added “Baby,” as he yanked a thorn out of his human’s knee.

    Through gritted teeth, so she wouldn’t produce another yelp, Tiponi asked the boy “So little boy, why were you all alone crying in this forest?” She pulled some sticks out of her hair, and then continued to pull out splinters from her arms.

    The boy answered “My brother. He-” Tiponi couldn’t make out the rest, because he began crying hysterically and all she heard was a sniffling jumble of “HMMWHAAAMRRHUHAHHHAHHHWHA”. Tiponi tried again.

    “Excuse me, but what happened?” It was no use, water was coming out of this kid faster then her town’s underground springs.

    Medwin tried his luck with the boy’s dæmon. “Hey, Treeko, what happened?” Medwin walked over to her, awaiting her reply.

    She looked up timidly. “We’re scared because he...h-he...”

    Apparently her pause was to long for Medwin, because the impatient
    Charmander said “What did your brother do that you’re so scared of?”

    The boy stopped crying for just enough time to sniffle and say “He k-killed that Quester.” The boy suddenly ran into Tiponi’s arms and started bawling. “He didn’t l-like Questers c-coming so him an-and his friends beat the Qu-Quester.” He shook violently and sobbed loudly. “They-ey covered i-it up by-y saying i-it was a-a battle in-njury-y.”

    That’s all the boy could say. Tiponi held him and tried to make sense of the shocking information she had just received. Etchemin’s brother had come to this town and was beat up by a gang of villagers. He must have died in the hospital because his injuries were too great. This poor kid was torn that his brother could have committed such an inhuman act. The poor kid. And poor Etchemin! His brother was murdered!




    there you go, chapter 16 (the better and edited version. though i'm sure there are still corresctions to be made because my editor and i are not perfect ^_^)
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

  29. #69
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Interesting plot twist. So Etchemin finally left, huh? Kinda surprising, but I can understand his feelings. This new revelation could change things, as well. Why do I feel like I'm watching a new development in Law and Order?

    I wish I couldn't say this, but this chapter had a lot of errors in it involving both grammar and spelling. To make it quicker, whenever there's a one-word change that needs to be made, I'll show it in this format:

    [original word/edited word]

    The first word will be what was posted, and the second one will be the recommended change. In cases where the reasons aren't obvious, I'll explain my reasoning.


    ”This is imposible!” screamed a dark man, acompinied by a dark dæmon. His fustration was fueled by weeks of work, and not much progress. Heat from the lava deep in the earth rose into his chambers, drying the ink in his quil before it reached the paper.

    [imposible/impossible], [acompinied/accompanied], [fustration/frustration], [quil/quill]. Also, the second comma is unnecessary, since the part after it is not a complete sentence and is not connected properly to the first part.


    He said this as a question, wanting the man’s permision to talk.

    [permision/permission]


    “Good news sir, the ‘gossip’ has been distributed by all the messangers.”

    [messangers/messengers]


    She was so used to seeing him when she woke, that she had begun to rely on him being there.

    The comma isn't needed here; it only serves to break up the flow of the sentence unnecessarily.


    Her eye’s began to focase, yet the room was empty, except for an orange spot in the courner.

    [focase/focus]. Also, the spelling in your country may be different, but [courner/corner] may be appropriate.


    “He’s gone Tiponi.”

    In this case a comma is needed before Tiponi's name, since that's sort of a separate statement declaring who he's speaking to.


    “They left, there gone.”

    [there/they're]


    It was one of Mineral Mountain’s most treasured tradition.

    [tradition/traditions]. "It" is one of many, so traditions is appropriate since it's plural.


    Tiponi turned away from the door and headed toward the kichen part of the house.

    [kichen/kitchen]


    The sun was past peak as Tiponi was taking the loundry in after drying.

    [loundry/laundry]


    As the human and dæmon couple brought in the last of the load, the houses owner finally returned.

    [houses/house's]. It is possessive (since it explains the owner of the house), so it needs to have that apostrophe.


    “Out with you.” Was her greeting.

    The period inside the quotes should instead be an apostrophe, and [Was/was]. Remember, if you're continuing the sentence, the punctuation in the quote cannot be a period, and you have to treat the word immediately after the quote as if it was inside a sentence. (Proper nouns should still be capitalized in that position.)


    The gym leader walked right past the girl and said, “Collect your things and out with you”

    There should be a period at the end of the sentence, or possibly an exclamation point.


    The gym leader turned to the girl and said, with a slight temper “Look, the town has self banned questing.”

    There should be a comma right before the quote to separate it from the rest of the sentence. Also, [self banned/self-banned]. Finally, the first comma is somewhat unnecessary, but it's your choice as to whether or not to keep it. It changes the flow of the sentence, but doesn't necessarily make it worse.


    Should she even be going to Swaem at all?

    [Swaem/Swarm]


    When she finally passed through the thichets, she saw a little boy and his unsettled dæmon, presantly in the form of a treeko, on a tree limb.

    [presantly/presently], [treeko/treecko]


    His arms were also covered with scratches from pricker bushes, and his face smeared with tears.

    "...his face was smeared..." is appropriate, since you used the same type of word earlier in the list ("His arms were also covered...").


    He moved too sharply in an atempt to climb higher up the tree, and ended up losing his balance.

    [atempt/attempt]. The comma is unnecessary, but again doesn't necessarily make the flow of the sentence worse.


    As they aproched the ground, Tiponi ran into action.

    [aproched/approached]


    The boy rolled out of the Quester’s arms, then stood up, brushing the sticks and leaves he’d aquired off his pants and shirt.

    [aquired/acquired]


    She shook her head to clear her eyesight, and winced at the thorns, sticks, and rocks she and gathered in her arms, legs, stomache and face from that last fall.

    Not sure about the spelling in your area, but [stomache/stomach] may be appropriate. Also, in the phrase, "...rocks she and gathered in her..." you need [and/had].


    Medwin helped, though continued to mutter how nuratic his human was.

    "...though he continued to mutter..." is appropriate. You need to specify that he is the one who is continuing to mutter. Also, [nuratic/neurotic].


    The boy aproched his resquer.

    [aproched/approached], [resquer/rescuer]


    “I’m sorry you hurt, lady. You scared me, is all. Thanks for catching me.” He said, holding his dæmon in his arms.

    The same mistake as before with the period at the end of the sentence and the capitalization afterward when you're continuing the sentence.


    Tiponi’s reply was a loud “Ow!” as she pulled out three spilnters from the back of her hand.

    [spilnters/splinters]


    Medwin approprately added “Baby.” as he yanked a thorn out of his human’s knee.

    [approprately/appropriately], and you had the period at the end of a quote in a continuing sentence again.


    Through gritted teeth, so she wouldn’t produce another yelp, Tiponi asked the boy “So kid, why were you all alone crying in this forest.”

    The first comma is unnecessary, and you need a comma before the quote. You may want to consider changing the period in the quote to a question mark, though I could understand the effect in using it. It's all about whay you want to portray and how you want to do it with that part.


    Tiponi couldn’t make out the rest, because he began crying histericly and all she heard was a sniffling jumble of “HMMWHAAAMRRHUHAHHHAHHHWHA”. Tiponi tryed again.

    [histericly/hysterically], [tryed/tried]. The comma before the quote really isn't needed here, because it's used in a different way. It's not a sentence, so I don't think it's necessary.


    Medwin tryed his luck with the boy’s dæmon. “Hey, Treeko, what happened?”

    [tryed/tried], [Treeko/Treecko]


    Apparently her pause was to long for Medwin, because the impationt Charmander said “What did you brother do that you’re so scared of?”

    [to/too], [impationt/impatient]


    He shook vilontly and cryed hard.

    [vilontly/violently], [cryed/cried]


    That’s all the boy said. Tiponi held him and tryed to make sence of the shocking information she had just reseaved. Etchemin’s brother had come to this town and was beat up by a gang of villagers. He must have died in the hospital because his injories were too great. This poor kid was torn that his brother could have comited such an inhuman act.

    [That's/That was] is necessary, since "that's" means "that is", and narration should be in past tense. [tryed/tried], [reseaved/recieved], [injories/injuries], [comited/committed]


    His brother was murderd!

    [murderd/murdered]



    It's pretty clear that there were a lot of words that you tried to guess the spelling of in this chapter. As a rule, don't do that. If you're unsure, look the word up. I'm fairly certain that a program like Microsoft Word would have caught those mistakes, because it caught the words I wasn't sure about at first. At the very least, use that. However, an actual dictionary is much better, if you have one.

    The plot here was good, though. Things are progressing quickly, and Tiponi has made the surprising decision to return home early. I wonder if she'll actually quit, or if something will happen to change her mind? I suppose only time, and you, will tell. Again, nice plot twists here. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    now that i think about it, this copy mayhap by my unedited one. i'll look through the vaults to see if there's an edited one...

    ah yes. i posted the wrong one. sorry about that, i'll edit chapter 16 as soon as i'm done with this post. my editor (/sister) went to collage last year and since then i've had a bit of confusion with storage and comunication.

    you like the plot? oh good! i've left many forshadowings and clues, if you know where to look for them, about future plot twists and things. it should get much interesting.

    as soon as rose edits chapter 21 and chapter 22, and as soon as i finish writing chapter 23, i'll post chapter 17. that shouldn't take too long..... i hope.

    well, time to repost the last chapter.

    toodles!
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Quote Originally Posted by eevee-shayna
    ah yes. i posted the wrong one.
    Okay, that makes a bit more sense, then. I kept wondering to myself how you made those mistakes after all the improvement you'd had in your editing. I didn't want to say anything, though, on the off chance that you actually had missed those in your edits. I'm glad I was right in my assumption.

    And yes, I am enjoying the plot. Those were some especially nice twists in the last chapter, and they would have been even better with the edited version. I'm anxious to see it so that I can witness the chapter in its true glory!
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    few things. i just read over all of the posts for this topic, and came across our argument about "Authers Note". i understand what you mean, however (getting really off topic..) In the Series Of Unfourtunate Events by Lemmony Snicket, the auther writes himself into the book, and by book 10 he becomes a mistirious and important charactor. it's a really interesting writing style, and i suggest that everyone read it. of course, Lemmony Snicket is not the auther's REAL name, just a pen name inveted for the purose of the story.

    Also, if anyone is interested in the TDLQ soundtrack, i'll list the songs or put the album on the internet for you. just post if your interested.

    I was wondering yet another random, non important thing. to anyone who wants to answer this; if you had a dæmon, what would it be? personally, mine would be a Newfound land, becuase they are friendly, happy, love children, love to help others, love to take care of small animals, love the cold, have a lot of energy, have thick, dark hair/fur, they don't hate people or judge anyone, they get excited around their friends, they will protect there family and friends, they are social, and are overall lovable. yes, a perfect match for me! philipe pulman, the auther of the "His Dark Materials" series said at an award ceromony during his speach that he didn't know what his own dæmon would be. well, if anyone wants to, post what you think yours would be. according to this great "His Dark Materials" site i know, your dæmon does not have to be an animal. it could be a charactor or something that you created or know that closesly relates to you. interesting stuff there.

    I also wanted to note that i have reposted the correct chapter over the incorrect one. so if anyone wants to read chapter 16 in "it's true glory", as teacher puts it, it's up and ready to be read.

    chapter 17 should be up most likely by tomarrow.hang on, it's coming.

    toodles!
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    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    The edited version was indeed much better. There were still some things that could have been improved, but I didn't list them, since they were in my previous post. It was very much improved, though, and I congratulate you for taking the time to post the correct version. A lot of writers wouldn't have done that.

    Anyway, I'm looking forward to your next chapter!
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    No one wants to answer my poll? too bad, that would have been fun.

    ok, this is the next addition to the continuation of TDLQ. this one's a bit of a tear-jerker, so keep some tissues handy if you're sensetive. enjoy.

    Chapter 17

    After all of the splinters and rocks had been pulled from Tiponi’s skin, Tiponi stood there in the forest for a long time. She held the boy and tried to comfort him with empty “It’s ok”s as the boy cried in her arms.

    When the boy was comforted and all cried out, he parted from Tiponi’s warm grasp. His Treeko flew into his arms.

    Suddenly, a shout was heard through the trees. “Yuu! Where are you, Yuu!”

    The boy froze. “My brother.” He whispered, “He will reach us soon. He must not know that someone else was here.” Yuu turned to Tiponi. “You have to go! Where do you want to go? I can tell you how to get there, I know these woods like the back of my hand.”

    Tiponi froze. Where did she want to go? Before she had talked to this kid, she would want to travel back home. But now she couldn’t bear going through Limestone with the knowledge she had acquired about Etchemin’s brother!

    “YUU!!”

    “Hurry! He’s getting closer!”

    “Swarm,” the Quester said, with no time to think it out.

    “Go that way until you come to a large rock. Turn right at the rock until you come to a patch of pine trees. Go through them until you reach Swarm.”

    “YUU!! Are you here?!”

    “RUN!!”

    Tiponi and Medwin started to run blindly in the direction Yuu had pointed them in. They ran through pricker bushes and thorn patches. They ran until they couldn’t hear any human beings, and until they were so tired they felt like they could collapse any moment. They slowed down their pace drastically, but kept on moving.

    Tiponi and Medwin looked at each other breathlessly, with the same thought on there minds. Was Yuu all right? Hopefully he hadn’t gotten into trouble, and hopefully the Quester-hating brother wasn’t after them.

    It was just then that Tiponi started crying uncontrollably. She just collapsed there and bawled her eyes out. The only explanation for it was all that all that had happened to her had finally caught up. All of the teasing growing up at home in Quartz, the fight at the Lichen gym, the ranting hospital lady in Limestone, the fierce man who “welcomed” them into the town of Hot Springs, the entire town of Hot Springs, The murder, running away- it was too much. It was all just too much. Tiponi just couldn’t take it; and all of the built-up hate weighed down her dreams and hit her hard.

    Tiponi cupped her face in her hands, trying to stop the flow of salt water that ran from her face. Her elbows tucked into her chest, her knees buckled up, and she folded onto the forest floor. She wasn’t aware of Medwin’s presence, she wasn’t really aware of anything.

    Tiponi couldn’t help think Why did I even start this? WHY!? I knew it would fail, I knew that from the beginning. Questing was a doomed sport to begin with, and I ignored all reasoning and went ahead with it anyway. How could I have been so stupid? I’m barely 14 years old. What am I doing in the middle of nowhere, wandering from place to place unescorted, just to be shunned and yelled at! I am only a child, why did I think I could do this? The Mineral Mountains is not the kind place that I imagined it was. I shouldn’t have left home. I should have kept these crazy dreams- no, these crazy fantasies to myself. Then no one would have gotten hurt. Then none of this would have happened. Then everything would have been OK. Why did I ever think I could ever...

    Tiponi was suddenly awoken from the sorrow she had wrapped herself in, by a sharp pain. The girl lifted her head and wiped the tears off her face. It took her a minute to see through a momentary black-out and her tear-smudged vision, to see Medwin in front of her. He had scratched her to make her come through. The sharp pain was located on the Quester’s left arm, but more importantly, Medwin’s eye’s were also tear-filled.

    The Charmander looked straight into Tiponi’s eyes and yelled at her angrily with concern “Don’t you EVER do that to me again Tiponi! You completely blocked me out. You sca-.” His lip began to tremble. Tiponi felt even worse. She had scared her own dæmon! The girl immediately leaned forward and hugged Medwin with all her heart. The Charmander embraced his human back with an equal amount of emotion.

    “I’m sorry, Medwin.” Tiponi whispered into her dæmon’s ear, tears rolling down her face.

    “Never again.” Medwin whispered back, his own tears sliding down his scaly skin.

    “Never again.” Tiponi repeated.

    After the long display of affection, Tiponi got up, still holding the orange being in her arms, and continued to walk. The human fondly kissed the top of her dæmon’s head, and began to coo him sweet melodies they used to sing back home. Medwin closed his moist eyes and hummed along. She wiped off the teardrops from his face, and she continued to travel. They slowly shuffled through the forest, enjoying each other’s comfort and wishing this temporary moment of peace could last forever.

    ----

    It wasn’t until the sun began to descend that they finally reached the rock Yuu had spoken of. The canopy of the towering trees over them made nightfall come sooner as the sun was rapidly shut out. All varieties of night-life started coming out. Crickets began to chirp, owls opened their sleepy eyes and produced soothing “Whooo”s. Rats skittered around hoping not to become a hungry predator’s meal. But Tiponi’s favorite, the fireflies, came out and stole the show. Their magnificent green glows flickered and filled the air. They swirled, wrote messages in the sky, and ruled the air like bright stars for all to admire. She couldn’t help think about the fireflies back home, they were orange there. Tiponi had heard that fireflies were different colors in different parts of the Mineral Mountains, but she had never seen it with her own eyes. The glowing night bug was truly amazing.

    “Hey Tiponi.” Medwin said softly.

    “Hmm?” Tiponi replayed, dazzled by the show.

    “Do you think we could set up camp and call it a night?” said Medwin, still quiet.

    “Okay.” replied the entranced Quester.

    They rolled out a trusty, warm, goose down sleeping bag next to the large rock, and curled up in it together. The Charmander’s flame stuck out of a hole through the side of the sleeping bag, which buttoned up.

    They stared into the sky, calm and relaxed.

    “Hey Tiponi?” Medwin said again.

    “Hmm?”

    “Do you think it’ll be okay?”

    “What?”

    “All this Questing stuff.”

    Tiponi shifted a bit between the sandwich of cloth, and replied, “Maybe.”

    Medwin didn’t say anything else. They both knew he wanted a better answer.

    Tiponi continued. “I don’t know what’s going on with Questing. Pa used to say that there were people who didn’t agree with it and might argue with us, but he never really prepared us for this. I guess he was trying to protect us, like parents do. He really did enjoy the thought of us becoming the Champions, used to say it was in our blood, whatever that means. The messenger in Hot Springs talked about that rumor, about Questing ending. I don’t want it to end, but should we continue it when it might end?”

    There was a pause of silence before Medwin replied, “We should continue. Because Pa would have wanted us to. And we started this, so we should see it through.”

    Silence

    “Tiponi?”

    “I guess...”

    “Tiponi, don’t you want to a least be Champion before Questing is banned?”

    Silence.

    “You’re right Medwin. That’s the plan; we will become the Dæmon League Champions before it is abolished, even if we are there just for a second.”

    “That’s the spirit. We better get to bed now Tiponi. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, seeing how we have to hurry up and become Champions. Good night, my human.”

    “‘Night Medwin, the best dæmon a girl could ever have.” She said as she hugged him tightly.

    “Hey, the Charmander can’t breath! Air! Need air!”

    The sound of laughing rang through the night. The two fell asleep to the soothing sound of crickets chirping and owls hooting. The magical fireflies hypnotized them into slumber, and flew over them like on omen protecting them from harsh realities of the Mineral Mountains.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    This was pretty darn good. I like the tension that you built on numerous points. The boy and his brother, the state of Questing, and Etchemin's situation are all becoming more and more interesting. Good job with this chapter.

    There were a few things I wanted to comment on, though...


    She held the boy and tried to comfort him with empty “It’s ok”s as the boy cried in her arms.

    Urk... I know exactly what you're trying to show here, because I've wanted to do the same thing on many occasions. I've ended up saying what I wanted to in a different way every time. Grammatically, you can't make a quote plural by putting an "s" after it. The problem is, I don't see any other way of making it plural in that format, since ...empty "It's okays"... doesn't work. (You can't change what's within the quote, either.) I'm at the point where I'm starting to believe that you can't actually pluralize a quote by any method, and that it was simply a slang technique for easy conversations. Either way, though, I am sure that "ok" should be changed to "okay". The former is sort of a slang term in itself, so you shouldn't use that when "okay" fits just as well with her speech and is better grammatically. This sentence will probably need to be restructured, unfortunately. I've had to do it many times myself. It's a pain, but it's worth it if you want to make your fic look really good.


    His Treeko flew into his arms.

    As with the previous chapter, "Treeko" should be "Treecko".


    Tiponi froze. Where did she want to go? Before she had talked to this kid, she would want to travel back home.

    The phrase "would want" should be "wanted". The former is present/future tense (and is conditional on something). The latter is past tense. Since Tiponi's desire to return home was in the past, she wanted to travel back home then.


    Tiponi and Medwin looked at each other breathlessly, with the same thought on there minds.

    The word "there" should be "their". More homonym fun...


    Hopefully he hadn’t gotten into trouble, and hopefully the Quester-hating brother wasn’t after them.

    It's not grammatical, but I think this could have a more powerful effect if "the" was changed to "him". It just sounds better to me. Of course, my opinion may not be entirely correct, as is often true with them, but that's what I think about it.


    All of the teasing growing up at home in Quartz, the fight at the Lichen gym, the ranting hospital lady in Limestone, the fierce man who “welcomed” them into the town of Hot Springs, the entire town of Hot Springs, The murder, running away- it was too much.

    The underlined word should be decapitalized (if "decapitalized" is even a word itself).


    Tiponi couldn’t help think Why did I even start this?

    The part that's not italicized is part of the sentence, but the part that is is a thought. Anyway, you first need a comma to separate the thought from the rest of the sentence, just as you would with a regular quotation. Also, "Tiponi couldn't help think..." isn't really a proper introduction to the thought. I think you mean "Tiponi couldn't help but think..." since that would make more sense.


    Tiponi was suddenly awoken from the sorrow she had wrapped herself in, by a sharp pain.

    The comma is unnecessary and only breaks up the flow of the sentence.


    The sharp pain was located on the Quester’s left arm, but more importantly, Medwin’s eye’s were also tear-filled.

    The word "eye's" should be "eyes", since it's not a possessive word.


    The Charmander looked straight into Tiponi’s eyes and yelled at her angrily with concern “Don’t you EVER do that to me again Tiponi!”

    There should be a comma or a period before the quote. Something needs to separate it from the rest of the text, since you've got a complete sentence in the quote. Also, there should be a comma before the last word in the sentence, since it just clarifies who Medwin is speaking to (namely, Tiponi).


    She couldn’t help think about the fireflies back home, they were orange there.

    There are complete sentences on both sides of the comma, so you need to add a conjuction after the comma, change the comma to a semicolon, or change it to a period.


    Silence

    If you're going to use this literary technique, you at least need a period after the word.


    “You’re right Medwin.”

    You need a comma before the last word, since it just clarifies who Tiponi is speaking to. (And yes, I am aware that I shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.)


    We better get to bed now Tiponi.

    Same as the one before.


    The magical fireflies hypnotized them into slumber, and flew over them like on omen protecting them from harsh realities of the Mineral Mountains.

    The word "on" should be "an".


    Regardless of those points, though, this was a good chapter. There weren't many errors this time around, and you did a great job of building the tension. For a moment I wasn't even sure what Tiponi's direction would be! Medwin's got a strong spirit, and it's good that he can sometimes help Tiponi through the rough spots. I guess we'll soon see how Tiponi does on her trip to Swarm!

    Oh, an the reason I didn't answer your question before was because I don't really know the answer. I'm the kind of person who is constantly changing his mind about things. As such, I'd probably still be a Ditto. Seriously! The only 17-year-old in the world with a Ditto for a dæmon... heh.

    Well, see you next chapter!


    P.S. Congrats on your nomination!
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Thank you for your commants! I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. I'm also glad to hear that I'm improving.

    If you can't decide on a fate or personality, than an Eevee is the right dæmon for you. they fave 5 diferent evelotions, and are very friendly. If you haven't guessed from my screen-name, Eevee is my favotite pokemon. ^_^

    P.S. Congrats on your nomination!
    Yes, I saw that. Thank you so much! I'm glad to see you enjoy my Fanfic that much. I Guess the story took ANOTHER plot twist when she decided not to return home.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    If you're constantly changing, maybe you'd be a Castform. They change form and element all the time.

    I'm glad to hear that you like my sister's fic so much that you nominated it. ^_^ Someday one of us will go back and fix all those little errors you point out, making the fic even better.
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    And here's chapter eight.
    you might notice that it's a bit different because it's all dialouge. this is an interesting technique that i wanted to use just once. i've done chapters that are all discription, and now i have one that is all talking. i got the idea from my favorite book by the auther Avi, called "who's that masked man anyway". it's a very intersting writing style and you'ld be suprised how well it works. if you don't like it, this is the only chapter i've done like this so don't fret. but i think it's cool how this chapter with no dispcription tells us so much...

    enjoy!



    Chapter 18

    “Come on, Tiponi, get up. The sun’s up.”

    “Mmmm...”

    “Tiponi!”

    “OWW! What’d you do that for?”

    “Are you up now? Let’s get going!”

    “I’m up, I’m up.”

    “Here, eat this while I roll the sleeping bag up.”

    “Thanks Medwin.”

    “Yeah, sure. You got everything?”

    “Yup.”

    “Okay, then let’s get going.”

    “Look-out Swarm, here we come!”

    “I take it you’re awake now? Good. I had some things I wanted to talk about.”

    “Like what?”

    “Don’t stop, let’s keep walking. It is possible to talk and walk at the same time. Anyway, you know how I was wondering about Questing and stuff?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Well, why is the Champion thinking about ending Questing.”

    “It’s just a rumor, that doesn’t mean it’s true.”

    “Just for a minute let’s pretend it’s not a rumor. Why would the Champion want to end it?”

    “He’s probably just concerned for everyone’s safety. I’m guessing he heard about what happened in Hot Springs, about the Questing-related death.”

    “But it wasn’t a Questing-related death, it was a murder.”

    “But you have to remember Medwin, we know that, but he doesn’t.”

    “Maybe we should tell him. And how do we know the Champion is a ‘he’, anyway?”

    “Remember in Lichen, the messenger talked about a ‘Mr. Claec’ being the new Champion? And how do you propose we should talk to him?”

    “I don’t know, it was just a thought. I don’t think I like this Mr. Claec person. They say he has a dark dæmon.”

    “Where did you hear that?”

    “Back in town, some people where talking. Which reminds me, remember how people used to talk about that Champion’s legend?”

    “Oh, you mean the one about only the Champion possesses the knowledge and ability to make a person have more then one dæmon?”

    “Yeah, that’s the one. Do you think it’s true, Tiponi?”

    “I don’t know. Maybe.”

    “What do you think about it? A person being able to have two dæmons?”

    “Its kinda hard to imagine. Though it would make Quester battles much easier. Could you imagine it? Being able to chose which dæmon should go out. Like if our opponent was a water-type, since you are weak against water types I could send out a plant-type instead.”

    “You like that idea, huh? I think it’s disgusting, people having more then one dæmon. That would mean people would have more then one soul. How would that work, anyway?”

    “I see what you mean. Having two dæmons would probably make someone have multiple personalities. A schizophrenic, or something. I guess people are better off having only one dæmon.”

    “That’s right.”

    “Medwin, was there anything else about Questing that you were wondering about?”

    “Yeah. Mom.”

    “Mom?”

    “Mom. Her and Pa used to be Questers, right? Pa never really told us anything about her, but I bet she was better then Pa. He never was Champion, or else he would have been a gym leader now. I was wondering if Mom beat the Champion, and then maybe she’s a Gym Leader right now!”

    “That would make sense. And the reason why Mom never lived with us is because she is a Gym Leader somewhere. Maybe we could meet her!”

    “I bet she has a fire-type pokémon for a dæmon.”

    “What makes you say that?”

    “Well, I’m a fire-type, so we must have gotten our fiery personality from somewhere, ‘cause we sure didn’t get it from Pa.”

    “Yeah, Pa would never be able to survive in Hot Springs. He’d probably skip Hot Springs and go straight from Lime Stone to Swarm.”

    “If he could. Do you remember that map we saw at Etchemin’s house?”

    “Yeah, they had a map of the Mineral Mountains. There sure were a lot of trees surrounding Swarm.”

    “Yeah, about those trees. It seemed like the thinnest part of the forest was the path from Hot Springs to Swarm. That’s probably why Questers have to go the way we did.”

    “Hey, you’re right. That makes sense, too. But how do you get from Swarm to the next city, Boulder?”

    “Hmm, that’s a good question. I guess we’ll just have to find that out when the time comes.”

    “I guess so. Now it’s my turn for a question.”

    “Sure, Tiponi. Shoot.”

    “Right. Remember that first letter we got from Pa? Well, there was a part of it that was all scratched out. Remember?”

    “Kind of. Take it out for a second.”

    “Okay.... See, right there. Right after, “Enough about the farm, you said that Mafuame has been training you? That is nice of her. I battled her when she was the Champion. As you can tell, I lost and couldn’t become a Gym Leader. It’s not a surprise that she took you in. She was a close friend of your mothers.-

    “Oh yeah, I’d forgotten about that.”

    “It seems to me that it’s just more proof that Mom is a Gym Leader.”

    “And the crossed out part was saying that, but Pa decided not to tell us because he wanted us to find out on our own.”

    “Exactly what I was thinking. And I was also thinking, we could send Mafuame a letter.”

    “We should. She could explain a few things to us.”

    “I’m sure she could. The only problem with sending her a letter is the cost. Since Swarm is so isolated, it’d probably cost a lot to send a letter from there.”

    “You’re right. Let’s wait until we get to Boulder. Then we’ll send a letter to Mafuame and Pa. Also we will have more money then after winning some battles-”

    “What’s that!”

    “What’s what?”

    “It sounds like there’s someone in the forest, straight ahead of us!”
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

  39. #79
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    Hmm... interesting idea. It was a little confusing at times who was speaking, so I had to look back at previous quotes and follow the pattern. I think the technique worked alright in this case, just because everything is pretty much the same in a forest. Trees, trees, and more trees. Still, it doesn't really fit in well with the rest of the fic. I'd expect this technique would work best in a short story, because you don't have to carry on the technique through a bunch of chapters. Just a few pages of it is enough.

    I didn't really notice any blatant errors in this chapter, other than my questioning of how the "all quotes" technique fits in with the rest of the fic. I do still understand what's happening in regards to Tiponi and Medwin, and that's a definite plus. I like the topics in the conversation they had, too. Could Tiponi's mother be a Gym Leader? Or maybe even... *grimaces* Nah, she couldn't be that. No way.

    This was a nice and informative chapter, though. Now we know some possibilities about Tiponi's family, as well as what Medwin and Tiponi herself think about that and the Questing dilemma. The Champion must have some serious reason for wanting to shut down Questing, but somehow I doubt that one death would stop him, given what we've seen in the past from him. So what could it be? Very odd. Well, I'll see you next chapter!
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    Holy crap ... I'VE become a grammar nazi, too.

  40. #80
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    Default Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester ++Chapter 33++

    interesting technique, eh? i though it was easy to tell who was speaking, bu perhaps others may have been confused.

    yes, that's one of the reasons why i chose this time in the fic to do this. they are going to be walking for a while, and there's just so much you can say about the trees and them walking. pluss it gives a sence of time passing.

    i again point out "who is that masked man anyway" which so cleverly potrys it's story in all dialouge. it doesn't even say "said jim" or whatever, and yet the reader is still able to read along easily.

    and seee how informinative it was? even though it wasn't very discriptive, you still could get a lot out of it.

    also, when they say things like
    “OWW! What’d you do that for?”
    you can see medwin hitting tiponi to wake her up, or
    “Here, eat this while I roll the sleeping bag up.”
    you can see Medwin thrusting food at Tiponi that he had prepared quickly, then rushing over to the sleeping bag to roll it up, or
    “What’s that!”
    “What’s what?”
    “It sounds like there’s someone in the forest, straight ahead of us!”

    you can see them stopping abruptly at the sound of some twigs cracking, and them getting paranoid because they just left Hot Springs and they dan't have a good relationship with people at the moment. there's so much you can infer without realising it, from liturature.

    but, ok, i'll stop talking. if anyone was less then pleased with this style, and it seems teacher was, don't worry, i'm not gonna do it again.

    new chap coming up soon. stay tuned.
    During that summer when unicorns were still possible, when the purpose of knees was to be skinned...
    ~ John Tobias

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