Tiponi, Dæmon League Quester O_O Chapter 47 O_O

[eevee-shayna]

her's the next one. we meet a mysterious traveler in the forest. who could it be? enjoy.


Chapter 19

Tiponi and Medwin stood in suspense as heavy footsteps on the forest floor approached them. Twigs cracked under the stranger, and the sound was getting louder by every step!

“Tiponi, it’s coming this way!” exclaimed Medwin.

Before they could do anything about it, the intruder was in sight. It was a medium-size man with tanned skin and short brown hair, who wore a baggy dark green shirt, and sturdy brown trousers. His dæmon appeared to be settled as a Spinarak. Tiponi and her dæmon had become cautious during their travels, and were not quite ready to trust this seemingly shady character in the forest.

However, the shady character in question didn’t seem to have any problems with the strangers in front of him. He walked right up to the girl Quester, his Spinarak trailing eerily behind.

Tiponi and Medwin just stood there, frozen. This was it. They had been caught. Someone from Hot Springs must have been tracking them down, and had unfortunately succeeded. Her father would never know that his only daughter had been murdered on the way to Swarm by an angry resident of Hot Springs.

He had finally closed in on them. Now that he was closer, Tiponi could see that his clothes were dirty and worn as if from a long hike in the woods. Also, he had a large pack secured to his back, filled with everything a hiker in the woods would need to survive. Or to hunt down an innocent Quester in the woods and dump her dead body where no one would ever find her.

Her menacing thoughts were interrupted when the Killer spoke. His voice was sleek and strong, like, well, a Spinarak’s web.

“Hey there, Miss. Are you by chance a wandering Quester making your way to Swarm?”

“The mighty Mineral Mountains, he did come after me to kill me! ” thought Tiponi, to her horror. At this thought, she did the only thing she could; she screamed.

Though Tiponi didn’t scream too much during her lifetime, she had a great wail. She had one of those ear-piercing, bloody-murder screams. This caused all those present to cover their ears tightly and many forest critters to scurry away, as well as some birds to fly off. When her scream finally ended, Medwin and the stranger removed their hands from their ears, and his dæmon shook his head as if to clear the sound from his memory.

The Hiker-Murderer stared at Tiponi. His bright green eyes were a shade or two darker then the Spinarak that stood beside him.

“What’s the matter? You are a Quester, aren’t you?” he said, then stuck has hand out and continued to speak, “M’ name is-”

Tiponi didn’t hear what his name was, because she wasn’t standing in front of him anymore. She was running.

“Miss? Miss, all I wanted to know was if you wanted to battle me!”

Tiponi stopped short. Her sudden halt caused her to skid a little on the blanket of twigs, leaves and rocks that covered the ground beneath the lush, green canopy of trees.

While Tiponi stood still in puzzlement, the man caught up with her. She suddenly felt an odd jolt, causing her to fall over. The jolt felt like a sharp tug from inside her chest, like there was a leash inside her that pulled her forward, accompanied by a feeling of sadness and loneliness. However, she knew this feeling. The painful tug and unhappy emotion could only mean one thing; Medwin had not stopped as she had.

“MEDWIN!” Tiponi yelled. Though she knew what the felling was, it still hurt a lot. She could remember as a child, trying what all children in Mineral Mountains did; testing how far she could be away from her dæmon before they couldn’t bear it any longer. They figured out that their connection allowed them to be about 30 of Mr. Vared’s arm lengths away from each other. So Medwin was 30 arm lengths ahead, trying to run away.

“Miss. We’re both Questers, right? I just want to know if you want to battle.”

A battle? A real Quester battle that wasn’t with her father or a Gym Leader? Tiponi got excited.

By this time, Medwin had come back, fearing the Tiponi was hurt.

“Medwin, he wants a Quester battle.” She almost laughed as she said this. The girl stood up and brushed herself off. After flapping her long skirt and petticoat a little to get the lose pebbles and twigs off, she looked at her dæmon to see what he thought of the idea. Though both were still a bit embarrassed of the previous series of events, they were also excited about this chance.

“I know exactly where we can battle. There’s a clearing just a bit further up where I battle wandering Questers,” suggested the man, trying to help convince them.

“Alright, lets go!” said Medwin, eager to get in the field.

The man seemed happy to have his invitation accepted, and then led them through the forest to where the make shift arena awaited.

On the way there, he told them how he didn’t get too much competition, especially lately. He said that Swarm was very isolated, and it seemed that the outside world had just stopped Questing. He told how everyone in Swarm, as big as it was, knew each other, and had battled each other before.

Tiponi couldn’t imagine a place so fascinating, where everyone practiced this sport, and you could walk down the street without fear, proud that you were a Quester. If only she had grown up there. Why hadn’t her Papa moved there to live? Probably because he wanted a farm. But he chose a farm over a city of Questers who were in the Dæmon League, like herself?

While Tiponi had been thinking about this, they arrived at the arena the man had talked of. It was a rough patch of land with a few scraggly stumps sticking up from the ground where trees used to stand before this make-shift field was made by cutting down a standard Quester-battle-sized patch of treeless land. There were a few trees still standing in the field.

“The trees can be used in battle, or you can fight around them.” The man shrugged. His Spinarak dæmon had already walked to her position. Medwin soon followed her lead and walked over to his spot.

“All ready?” asked her opponent. Tiponi and Medwin nodded, almost in unison. “OK. Let’s begin! Anata, start with plan F-2!” She nodded briefly, then took off, racing for the trees.

Oh, no. They were so prepared for battling that they had numbered strategies. And it seemed they knew them very well. Tiponi and her dæmon would have to make the best of it. “Medwin, Ember before it gets to the trees!”

Medwin tried his best, but the green spider was faster and more agile than it looked. As Medwin’s first fireball neared her, she jumped nimbly over it. By then she was near enough to the trees that she landed on the nearest one, and began to climb it. The tree trunk was between Medwin and her, so it took a moment for him to run around to a position where he could attack. By then she had disappeared into the green foliage.

“Good job! Now, you know what to do,” the man called encouragingly. Medwin, trying not to look nervous, scanned the treetop for his foe. He hadn’t yet found her when a mass of pale sticky threads shot out and dropped on him. He tried to open his mouth and fire an Ember at the spot where the String Shot had emerged, but the stuff stuck his mouth closed. He attempted to scrape it off with his claws, but before long found them stuck, too. It wasn’t until he’d managed to burn some off with his tail flame that he finally freed his mouth. Throughout his struggles, a hail of poison-bearing stingers rained down at him from the tree.

He started to turn to renew his attack, but more of the sticky threads were flying his way. This time he was able to jump aside and avoid most of it, but his foot was stuck to the ground. He attacked anyway, spitting a fireball at the tree. When it was not far from the tree, a ball of the string flew out and crashed into the ball. Both collapsed in a flare of smoke and ashes, and fresh threads shot out of the tree to glue Medwin’s mouth shut again.

“Burn it off your mouth with your tail, then free your foot with an Ember,” Tiponi suggested. Medwin tried his best to free his mouth and foot in the method she proposed, but the renewed rain of Poison Stings and the poison that was seeping into his bloodstream was wearing him down. Tiponi rubbed her arms, feeling the multitude of pinpricks and weary nausea herself. It was less uncomfortable than some other attacks she’d felt, but it wasn’t exactly pleasant. She didn’t have time to contemplate the feeling any more, because just then the poison sapped away the last of Medwin’s energy. Both she and her dæmon stumbled and toppled over, unconscious before they hit the ground.

[mr_pikachu]

Well, it seems Tiponi's found a fellow Quester! ...Or has she? I suppose this could be a very well-laid trap, designed to make Tiponi think the "Quester" is a friend... might it instead be another of the assassins from the Hot Springs? I suppose we'll find out next chapter.

Pretty good chapter. I like the mystery around this Quester's identity and motives; it sort of continues the cliffhanger from last time, in a way. I still have to wonder if the whole battle was a ruse. After all, Tiponi herself was suspicious at first!

I do still have some comments, though...



It was a medium-size man with tanned skin and short brown hair, who wore a baggy dark green shirt, and sturdy brown trousers.

"It" should be "He", since you're describing a person whose gender is clear in this sentence.


He walked right up to the girl Quester, his Spinarak trailing eerily behind.

The word "girl" can't really be used as an adjective for "Quester". After all, "girl" is a noun. The word "female" might be better here, or something else entirely.


Her menacing thoughts were interrupted when the Killer spoke.

"Killer" shouldn't be capitalized, since it isn't a proper noun.


His voice was sleek and strong, like, well, a Spinarak’s web.

As the narrator, you shouldn't second-guess yourself. Saying "like, well,..." is really considered second-guessing. Remember, the narrator should be intelligent enough to not have to think twice about what to say. Thus, something like "His voice was sleek and strong, appropriately like a Spinarak's web," might be better.


“The mighty Mineral Mountains, he did come after me to kill me! ” thought Tiponi, to her horror.

(Note that this sentence is displayed precisely as it was in the chapter itself, italics and all.) I don't think italicizing and quoting the thoughts is how you did it before. Remember, you need to keep up the same method of doing things, especially when it comes to the form of communication other than speech. Secondly, there's not really a need for the last comma in the sentence. And finally, you don't need a space before the end of the quote. In fact, that outright shouldn't be there. I figure it was just a typo, since you haven't done that it the past. Just be more careful of that when dealing with italics!


She had one of those ear-piercing, bloody-murder screams. This caused all those present to cover their ears tightly and many forest critters to scurry away, as well as some birds to fly off.

It's not grammatical, but I think these sentence would be better combined into one. That's just my opinion, though.


When her scream finally ended, Medwin and the stranger removed their hands from their ears, and his dæmon shook his head as if to clear the sound from his memory.

This one's a little iffy as to whether you've properly defined who the dæmon belongs to. That's because the last clue in the sentence before that is the word "their", so it seems like it could almost point to both the stranger and Medwin.


Though she knew what the felling was, it still hurt a lot.

The word "felling" should be "feeling".


She could remember as a child, trying what all children in Mineral Mountains did; testing how far she could be away from her dæmon before they couldn’t bear it any longer.

First of all, the comma isn't necessary. Second, the semicolon should probably be a regular colon, since the part after it isn't a complete sentence.


By this time, Medwin had come back, fearing the Tiponi was hurt.

The word "the" should be "that".


The man seemed happy to have his invitation accepted, and then led them through the forest to where the make shift arena awaited.

The phrase "make shift" should be "makeshift". One word, not two.


It was a rough patch of land with a few scraggly stumps sticking up from the ground where trees used to stand before this make-shift field was made by cutting down a standard Quester-battle-sized patch of treeless land.

You're getting closer, but "make-shift" should still be "makeshift". Also, "Quester-battle-sized" should be "Quester battle-sized", without the first hyphen. That's because you don't normally connect the words "Quester battle" with a hyphen, so you only need to connect the end of the typical phrase with the word "sized" with that method.


By then she was near enough to the trees that she landed on the nearest one, and began to climb it.

The comma is unnecessary.


He hadn’t yet found her when a mass of pale sticky threads shot out and dropped on him.

There should be a comma between "pale" and "sticky", because you need to separate the unrelated adjectives.



On the plus side, you're making me work harder and harder to find things to comment on. That's a sure sign of improvement. And your descriptions are good here. I could've used a bit more of the mystery Quester, but you gave enough info for now. And the battlefield was described very well, in my opinion. The scene with the two Questers' first encounter was good, too. I like the direction this is going in. Well, until next chapter!

[eevee-shayna]

yes, Tiponi finally comes across a new charactor. and you will soon find more out about him.

glad you're enjoying it and it's plot twistyness (sp? even though it's not a real word..).

it has taken me a while, but i finally got around to writing a new chapter. (i have GOT to stop being so active at school)

so here's the next part of the story. enjoy.


Chapter 20


The sound of scraping wood, a crackling fire, and cheerful chirping crickets dominated the small patch of land. Chilling air loomed quietly and soft winds playfully pushed the smell of smoke from a nearby fire around the ground. Dust and dirt from the cold ground loosely found its way up to mouths, feeling gritty on teeth. When you opened your eyes it was …dark.

Tiponi blinked, over and over, wondering why she couldn’t see.
“Ah, you’re awake. Well, its night, so there’s no point in wondering.” Said a familiar voice. It was the man she had battled.

“Why are you blinking? Did you get some dirt in your eyes? You HAVE been laying on the ground for a spell, after all.” said a high female’s voice. It must have been the Quester’s dæmon.

Tiponi sat up and shook her head with her eyes wide open. Then she rubbed her eyes and blinked some more. After a long moment, some light came to her eyes. Soon blurry figures appeared, and then trees and two figures slowly focused until her sight was back to normal. Tiponi blinked then looked to find Medwin. He was laying right of her, just opening his eyes. He didn’t seem to have any problem seeing as soon as he opened his eyes. So why was she having such a problem? Come to think of it, this problem had started when she was beaten in the forest on the way to Hot Springs. Her vision was slow on returning when she woke, and it had steadily gotten worse. She would have to tell Medwin sometime when they were alone, but until then she hoped she wouldn’t go blind.

“Tiponi. We lost again.” said Medwin, shamefully. Tiponi looked over to him, then swiftly pulled him to her and held him against her breast. She rested her chin on his scaly, orange head.

“Yeah. Well, we just need to practice some more.” said the girl, her chin staying stationary on the Charmander’s head and leaving the top of her head to bob as she talked.

“I can see you’re not from around here. I didn’t know that an outsider would be so, no offence, but weak.”

Medwin hung his head in shame. He hated to be weak.

“I’m sorry. Tell you what, I’ll give you some training techniques. In Swarm there are all sorts of youth groups that meet to learn this kind of stuff. I used to go to them when I was younger, so I’ll teach you what they taught us. It doesn’t seem fair that you should have such a disadvantage. What do you say?”

Tiponi looked up at him with joyful tears in her eyes. “You’d really do that for us?”

The man laughed. “Well sure! I’ve battled everyone in the city, so that’s no fun anymore. And no one ever comes into Swarm anymore. You’re the first outsider I’ve seen in a long time. So I guess I just want some one new to battle, and I’m not passing up the opportunity to battle a different Quester. I’m sure you’ve got potential, you just got to get better, that’s all.”

Joyful tears continued to swell in her eyes. “Thank you.” She uttered, then hugged her dæmon happily.

He laughed again. “Sure, no problem.” He said in his charming, smooth voice. “You should get some sleep now, we can’t do anything until it’s light out.”

Tiponi nodded in agreement, then turned to her pack to fish out her blankets. He must have placed it next to her while she lay unconscious. That was nice of him. It was nice that he had stuck around after she fainted. It was also nice that he was offering to help her. She smiled, feeling so lucky to have a kind hand to help her.

When she found her sleeping gear, she laid a sleeping bag out for her and one for Medwin. Medwin happily crawled into the warmth of his traveling bed, allowing his tail to stick out of the covers and hover as it always did as he slept. Tiponi climbed under her covers, then stared at the boy. He was sitting next to a fire with a stick in his hand that he was whittling with a small pocketknife. His dæmon lay sleepily beside him, staring into the dark woods.

"What's your name?" came Tiponi's voice, half buried under her blanket.

"My name?" he said, half surprised "That’s right, I didn't get a chance to tell you, huh? Well, call me Ekad. And this is Anata." He said with a friendly, little smile.

Tiponi closed her eyes sleepily and murmured "Tiponi. And Medwin."

"Tiponi? Well, that’s a nice name. Where are you from, Tiponi?" He said warmly.

"Quartz..." Came a whisper from a bundle of blankets.

The whittling stopped, and Ekad’s surprised voice broke the temporary silence. “You mean you traveled here all the way from Quartz?!”

“Mmmm..” Was the blanket’s reply.

“Wow, that’s a long ways to travel from. I’ve never traveled that far in my life. So what’s the Mineral Mountains like?”

No answer came. By now, Tiponi and her faithful dæmon were both fast asleep. Ekad pulled out his sleeping gear and put out the fire before drifting off into a wonderful sleep about the towns outside of Swarm.

-----

It was a little past dawn when Tiponi awoke, however, she had waken a few times in the night from unsettling dreams about Hot Springs and Etchemin. She opened her eyes, and while waiting for her eyesight she combed her tangled hair loosely with her hands. She felt a poke in here side, it felt like a hard object.

"Tiponi, your comb." whispered a Charmander's voice. Tiponi smiled and took the comb from her dæmon's paws and began to pull the comb through her hair.
Her hair was half tidied by the time her vision returned. Working on the rest of her head, the young Quester looked around her. The sun was rising, through the canopy of the forest penetrated warm rays. Medwin sat next to her, twiddling with some sticks and pebbles on the ground. Ekad wasn't in the clearing, though his gear still lay next to the cold, ash ruminants of a camp fire. Tiponi pondered where her new found friend had gone as she finished up combing her light-brown, wavy hair.

After a pause, Medwin spoke up, "He was gone when I woke up."

The girl looked at the comb in her hands. It was made from a turtle shell, polished smooth with long ridges indented on one side. She remembered her Papa giving it to her on her seventh birthday. Tiponi began to trace the smooth prongs on the precious object, as she had when she first received it. Her Papa had told her it was a gift from her Mother. He'd said she sent it for her birthday. It was one of Tiponi's most treasured positions, because it gave her hope that her Mother was alive and out there, some where. One of the reasons Tiponi wanted to become a Quester was so she could travel the Mineral Mountains, and find her Mother. It was her secret desire that no one knew, not even Medwin. Tiponi finished combing her hair and put the comb back into her pack.

"Tiponi..-" Medwin began to say, but he was interrupted by a crunching of branches through the woods as Ekad and his dæmon, Anata, emerged with a large, furry critter in his hand.

"Ah, you’re up! Morning Tiponi. Morning Medwin. I just caught breakfast, and probably lunch, too." greeted the boy from Swarm.

"We're going to eat that?" questioned Medwin, but not in a grossed out way. Tiponi and Medwin had both grown up on a farm, where they were used to catching there meals. However, Medwin was unfamiliar with the animal Ekad had brought.

"Yup, this feller's a Vole. They live all around the Swarm forest. This guy's actually pretty big for his type. Guess we were lucky, huh?"

Tiponi and Medwin marveled at the plump, furry creature. It looked to them like a variation of a large rat.

Ekad reached their clearing and sat down. He took a pocketknife out
and began to skin the vole.

“So,” He began, “You say you come from Quartz?”

Tiponi and her dæmon nodded. Their long tale came flooding from their
mouths in one big rush, as if a dam had broken inside of them. The
two told the whole tale, every little detail, taking turns finishing
each other’s sentences.

Ekad sat there patently, preparing their meal, but hanging on to
each word as the story was told.





OOC: i would like to point out that the first paragraph is a compalation of the five sences, which Tiponi experiances as the wakes up. just a factoid you might like to know.

[eevee-shayna]

yes, i know that i am double posting.

however, i'd just like to say that it's my birthday today. *yay! streemers, party hats*
16 today. w00t!

which means i've been a bit slow with this fic, because when i started writing it, Tiponi was 14, same as i was. yeah, i've been with this fic for two years, and i'm only half done. maybe not even, it depends how long it takes me to write the story.

i hope you have enjoyed this fic as much as i have for two years now. ^_^

[mr_pikachu]

So Tiponi meets some new friends, huh? Well, I doubt they mean them any harm at this point. After all, they did stay with Tiponi while she recovered. That blindness problem seems serious, though; I wonder what's going on with that? I imagine a lack of sight would make Questing very hard indeed...

Good job with this chapter. I enjoyed that first paragraph especially, and only fully understood the great aesthetic appeal of it after reading your note. Very nice idea. Nice work with the little things, too, like the stick whittling and the comb. Though I felt it was pretty clear by now that Tiponi has that as a goal. It's good to emphasize such points, but make sure you don't go overboard with it.

There were some things worth commenting on, though...



Dust and dirt from the cold ground loosely found its way up to mouths, feeling gritty on teeth. When you opened your eyes it was …dark.

First of all, "its" is incorrect, since you're describing the actions of dust and dirt. It should be "their", since you're dealing with multiple things. Also, it's not usually good to say things like "When you opened your eyes...", because that refers to the reader. The reader isn't in the fic, so that doesn't really make sense. It'd be better to have one of the characters perform the action, just to use someone who is actually in the fic itself. Tiponi would be a good choice here, since you immediately showed her reaction to the darkness following that line.


“So I guess I just want some one new to battle, and I’m not passing up the opportunity to battle a different Quester.”

The words "some one" should be consolidated into a single word, "someone".


Tiponi nodded in agreement, then turned to her pack to fish out her blankets. He must have placed it next to her while she lay unconscious.

You can't really say this, since you referred to Tiponi right before talking about someone else who placed her pack next to her. If you want to refer to someone by a pronoun, he or she should be the last person that you called by name, in order to maintain clarity.


"My name?" he said, half surprised "That’s right, I didn't get a chance to tell you, huh?

You need some sort of punctuation before that second quotation (not to be confused with quotation mark), to properly separate it from the narration. Also, you seem to have suddenly switched your style of quotation marks from “” to "". Odd, that.


“You mean you traveled here all the way from Quartz?!”

Your writing's good enough that you don't need to rely on cheap tricks like the double end punctuation ("?!") to get by. Besides, it's grammatically incorrect. And you wouldn't want that, now would you?


Ekad pulled out his sleeping gear and put out the fire before drifting off into a wonderful sleep about the towns outside of Swarm.

It's not a grammatical criticism, but you already used forms of the word "sleep" a lot in the past few paragraphs. It might be advisable to change that last "sleep" into something else, like "dream", perhaps.


Ekad wasn't in the clearing, though his gear still lay next to the cold, ash ruminants of a camp fire.

This one almost slipped through, but I took a second look at it and checked up on my suspicions. What do you mean by "ruminant", exactly? The closest definition I could find to what I think you mean was this: "Any of various hoofed, even-toed, usually horned mammals of the suborder Ruminantia, such as cattle, sheep, goats, deer, and giraffes, characteristically having a stomach divided into four compartments and chewing a cud consisting of regurgitated, partially digested food." And that's definitely not right. Could you perhaps be referring to remnants, instead of ruminants?


Tiponi pondered where her new found friend had gone as she finished up combing her light-brown, wavy hair.

The phrase "new found" should just be one word, "newfound".


Tiponi and Medwin had both grown up on a farm, where they were used to catching there meals.

The word "there" should be "their".



This was a good chapter, though, and very pleasing to read. You're learning some useful techniques (and teaching me a thing or two, quite frankly), and those can really strengthen your writing style. Good description here too, especially of the surroundings and that rat thing. That added some good flavor to the fell of the chapter, so to speak. Anyway, I'll be looking forward to the next one! Until then!


P.S. Happy birthday! Yes, I have enjoyed this fic very much. And don't worry about it being two years since you started this fic. I've been going for about two years on my biggest fic, and... oh, wait... *ponders*

Never mind, ignore that last remark... *slowly walks away while whistling*

[eevee-shayna]

Thanx Teach!
and yes, the blindness problem has been progressing. ive been leading little hints along the way, but what will become of it?
I'm glad you're learning from my fic. as they say, reading makes you smarter. i just thought it would be interesting to open a chapter using the 5 sences, without mentioning tiponi. therefore being vage but oddly specific at the same time, and giving an idea of the chapter's setting.

this chapter is one i'm particularly prould of. it really puts questing - as well as basic training - into perspective. i kind of answers more indepth "what is Questing (training)". i hope you enjoy my psycologic veiw and interprutation on the sport.

and now, i leave you with the next chap.
enjoy!


Chapter 21
“Wow. It’s just…wow,” said Ekad after Tiponi finished her story. She was quite amused by Ekad’s reaction. He was at a loss for words after hearing about all the Gym Leaders, the different towns, the great body of water, the people against Questers, their brutality against Tiponi, and all of the Mineral Mountains that she had seen in her journey. It took Tiponi a long time to explain the entire tale, and meanwhile Ekad prepared the vole. As Tiponi finished, he had just taken the critter off the fire and was dividing it into portions.

Then she added, “And there’s something else. In Hot Springs a messenger came and told us that there was a rumor going around that the Mineral Mountain’s Champion is trying to end Questing.”

Ekad suddenly halted what he was doing. “WHAT!” he yelled, clearly surprised and outraged.

Tiponi started explaining quickly. “They say it’s because people have been dying from Questing, and it’s unsafe, so to prevent any more harm--”

“MORE HARM? MORE HARM, Tiponi, no one’s ever DIED FROM QUESTING--”

“YES,” yelled Medwin, trying to let his voice be heard over Ekad’s yelling. “Yes, back when we were training with Mbizi a messenger came and said the Champion had died in a match with an Advanced Quester. The Advanced Quester was then made the Champion, and he’s the one who is rumored to want to end questing. And then there was the death in Hot Springs.”

Anata spoke up to voice her say in the matter. “First of all, didn’t you say that the death in Hot Springs was a murder? And second, why would a Champion, who went through all the trouble to beat all the Gym Leaders and then challenge the previous Champion, want to end the sport? Everyone knows that there is a risk involved in Questing, but that’s the Quester’s risk.”

“I don’t know,” said Tiponi, exhausted from the whole topic. “But all I know is that all of Hot Springs, and even most of the Mineral Mountains, will really like this Champion for ending the sport.”

Ekad finally cooled down enough to continue working on their breakfast. “I still can’t believe that most of the Mineral Mountains hates Questing so much,” Ekad mumbled.

“You better believe it,” remarked Medwin as he took his portion from Ekad.

The travelers all took their breakfast and ate in silence. Tiponi added some hard bread to the meal. After they were done eating Ekad stamped out the fire and wrapped up the remaining food for later.

“Can I see your stamps?” asked Anata, catching Ekad’s attention.
Tiponi reached into her pack and pulled out her Quester Permit parchment. As she unrolled the parchment, Ekad and Anata gathered eagerly around. They marveled at the three wax seals and signatures.

“I wish I could win me these stamps,” said Ekad admirably.

“Why don’t you go out and get them, then?” asked Medwin.

“Can’t,” said Anata

“We haven’t beaten the gym leader,” Ekad finished the sentence.

“You beat us, how hard could it be to beat the Swarm Gym Leader?”

“Almost impossible,” said Ekad.

“You know how Swarm is isolated? Well, everyone’s memorized everyone’s technique. That includes the Gym Leader,” said Anata.

“Muata is unbeatable. He knows everyone in the city and no one can beat him. Most people decide not to leave Swarm until they’ve beaten him, which keeps us stuck here.”

Tiponi was rolling up her parchment when Medwin said, “That’s good for us, then.”

Tiponi looked up at her dæmon as she carefully placed the parchment into her pack. “What do you mean, Medwin?”

The Charmander looked a little annoyed at his human’s ignorance. “If Muata is good because he knows the people of Swarm, then he obviously won’t know us.”

“I get it,” said Anata, “Muata knows the techniques of everyone in the city, but he wouldn’t know those of an outsider.”

“So if I train you a bit, then you might actually have a fair chance at getting his stamp.” concluded Ekad.

With that motivating thought, the group stood up from their little camp to begin training. They walked over to the middle of the clearing to begin the lesson. Tiponi tied her light brown, wavy hair back with a plain, worn ribbon she kept with her. The sun shone down and bathed the area with a warm glow as a soft breeze hugged all the present creatures like a welcomed friend.

“All right. The first thing we learn in Swarm are the four strengths required to be a good Quester: mental strength, physical strength, communicational strength, and technique strength. All these strengths are needed and must be evenly balanced. Although you may believe one strength is more important then the others, and become better at that one, it will not make you a good Quester. If your strengths are unbalanced then you become weak in an aspect, which will help your opponent to defeat you. However, most people find that they exceed in one strength more then the others. This is okay, as long as you strengthen the other three to the same degree. Make sense so far?” asked Ekad. Tiponi and Medwin nodded eagerly, absorbing all the information like a sponge.

Anata took over and began to speak, “Lets begin on your mental strength. Your mind must be cleared of all thoughts and distractions. You must concentrate on only the battle in front of you. You must be able to work out problems and battle strategies. It is also important to observe the battle to make decisions and detect patterns. Can you think of anything else, Ekad?”

“Yeah, it’s important for human and dæmon to be mentally in tune, meaning they should be thinking the same.”

“Oh yeah, like how one can start a sentence and the other one can finish it.”

Tiponi giggled to herself at the irony Anata and Ekad displayed. Clearly they were mentally in tune.

“Next is physical strength.” continued Ekad, “Many trainers are uneducated in the fact that they know to focus only on brute force, which becomes their downfall. Although it is important to be strong, it does no good if you do not think, plan, and control your performance. On a side note of physical strength, you must remember that both sides should be balanced in strength. If the dæmon is strong but the human weak, the dæmon may be capable to withstand many blows, but the human is unable and will faint. So the pair is only as strong as the weaker of the two.”

Anata took her turn teaching. “Now for communicational strength. If there is no communication between both sides then the battle will be unsuccessful. Questing is about using the strengths of your whole being to work in unison in pursuit of achieving a common goal. It is crucial that both are communicating to be able to win the battle. It is the dæmon’s responsibility to fight in the match, while it is the human’s job to instruct their dæmon, think strategically in order to plan, and to inform of the opponent’s position. Teamwork requires communication. Communication also involves telling code words which will stand for a certain attack pattern or something.”

Ekad took the last of the four strengths, “Last is strength in technique. It is important that you aren’t just going into battle and making up attacks as you go along. Although it is important to observe your opponent in action while in a match to discover their techniques so you are able to counter their attacks, you must also have a background of attack plans. Your technique is your own style of attacking, as well as your course of action and planned patterns. Technique makes you harder to predict and allows you to use brains over brawn to confuse your opponent.”
“So that’s basically the introduction to the four strengths. Now we get to teach you how to master them.” said Anata.

Tiponi and Medwin thought about this information. It was exciting to be able to learn about Questing and how to become better at it. They awaited eagerly for their training to begin.

[mr_pikachu]

Hmm, this was interesting. I can imagine the people of Swarm would be pretty shocked about the news from the Champion, as well as the tale of Hot Springs. I loved Ekad's and Amada's awe over the stamps, as well. The idea of the lesson was pretty good, too. It'll be interesting to see how Tiponi does with that.

I did find a few things to comment on, though... but not many!


She was quite amused by Ekad’s reaction. He was at a loss for words after hearing about all the Gym Leaders, the different towns, the great body of water, the people against Questers, their brutality against Tiponi, and all of the Mineral Mountains that she had seen in her journey.

I think this might flow better as one sentence, perhaps connection the two with a conjunction like "while".


“WHAT!” he yelled, clearly surprised and outraged.
(Sentence not in italics because a portion of it was already italicized.)

I can understand wanting to show the fury in Ekad's yell, but you don't need to use effects to that extent. It almost takes away from the beauty of your work to see you resort to tricks like that. At most, you could have the word capitalized, but I think even that's not necessary to make your point.


“MORE HARM? MORE HARM, Tiponi, no one’s ever DIED FROM QUESTING--”

Same as the previous sentence.


“YES,” yelled Medwin, trying to let his voice be heard over Ekad’s yelling.

First off, again, the "YES" doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, Medwin "trying to let his voice be heard" sounds a bit passive for his yell. Changing it to "...make his voice be heard..." might be a good idea here.


Tiponi added some hard bread to the meal.

Sometimes details like this are nice, but in this case it just serves to break up the tension you created. It's not necessary to tell the reader everything they ate.


“Can’t,” said Anata

Remember the period after "Anata"...


Anata took her turn teaching.

This just doesn't sound very good. Maybe something stronger, like "Anata took over," or something like that would be better.


Also, most of the lessons seemed like it was taught by a very high-class, educated person speaking formally. It just didn't feel right for Ekad and Anata to talk in that manner.


This went well, though. I'm curious to see what Tiponi will gain from these lessons, and exactly what they will be. This was short, but it was pretty darn good as well. The emotions of the characters are building, and that can excite the reader. I like where this is going. Anyway, keep it up! This is good!

[eevee-shayna]

Hi Teacher! im glad you are enjoying my fic. If you think it's good now, wait till the plot and plot twists kick into full swing.

as for the lesson seeming too high-class for Ekad to be teaching, remember that he (as well as all Swarm children) has been going to Quester Training classes all of his life. they've probably crammed this information into his head, and theirfore he ought to have remembered it. in fact, he probably barely skimmed the top of the Four Strengths, and there is most likely a ton of thick books that go much deeper into the topic. that's my impresion, anyway.

if you think about it, the Four Strengths relate to Training as well (aside form the fact that in training you have more pokemon and are not attached to them). It's just a better way to find out ways to improve your battling skills. instead of knowing just to become phsically stornger, with this you know where to improve. plus, i wanted to come up with my own logical explanation of "strength". it makes Swarm look very advanced inquesting, as it should be.

I hope as a go on with this, the charactors will gain unique charactor. have you also noticed how tiponi has grown from the begining of the fic? its a very tipical writing technique to create charactor change and growth. i think ive done fairly well with Tiponi's with charactor growth, though it's been subtle, so i don't know if anyone has noticed.

i've been rereading the story from the begining and correcting it, so if you see the chapters suddenly being edited, it's just me fixing things. but i'm not putting in extra forshadowing or anything, just fixing things.

i've rambled on long enough, so i'll end this message. thanx to everyone who's reading this fic. i know there are a good amount of people, because the post count rises much to fast for just Teacher and myself. ^_^ i send my acknowlegements and gatitude to all the closet readers. i hope you've been enjoying TDLQ too.

[mr_pikachu]

as for the lesson seeming too high-class for Ekad to be teaching, remember that he (as well as all Swarm children) has been going to Quester Training classes all of his life. they've probably crammed this information into his head, and theirfore he ought to have remembered it. in fact, he probably barely skimmed the top of the Four Strengths, and there is most likely a ton of thick books that go much deeper into the topic. that's my impresion, anyway.

Okay, now that I look back, I wasn't very clear on what I meant when I mentioned this. My apologies. Let me make up for that right now.

My point was not that the lesson itself was advanced. I understand completely that Swarm is very advanced when it comes to Questing, and it seems appropriate for Ekad and Anata to have that level of knowledge. What I was instead referring to was their dialect. You know how people in Texas speak differently from those in New York, right? (Or at least you get the idea...?) The same goes for people in the countryside versus people in the city. Different groups speak differently. My point was that it seemed like the dialect of Ekad and Anata changed abruptly once the lesson began. Maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there, but that's how it appeared to me.

And now that I've heard there will be more twists, I'm a little bit more intrigued than I was even before. I'll bet you've got some great ideas prepared, and I can't wait to see them!

[Samchu]

Yay I finally managed to catch up with this! So far I'm loving it. The plot is developing nicely and I like how you've taken out one character and brough in another. I also really like how Tiponi loses some of her battles, it's much more realsitic because - let's face it - someone wouldn't just go into training and beat all these people who had been training for years.

Anyways keep it up. I'll help anyway I can but it seems the teacher is doing just fine and doesn't need my assistance.

KEEP IT UP!

[eevee-shayna]

Teacher: i think i see what you mean; they are a seperated city and therefor should probably speak diferently.Swarm is an interesting place (as you will learn in later chapters) and it's residens are more sofisticated then you might think right now.

Sam: you made it! i'm glad you're enjoying my fic. i try to make it interesting and realistic. i most certainly will keep it. thank you so much for posting!

expect the next chapter sometime this month (i'll try to keep writing more chapters, but i'm extremely buisy at school. i'm in tons of clubs, commitees, organizations, and things. sometimes it gets all tangled together and i just don't have time. but i'll continue writing whenever i can spare some time.) please stay tuned.

[eevee-shayna]

hope your all ready, cause here comes the next chapter!
A little more of me being psycologic.
enjoy.


Chapter 22


The soft morning breeze blew gently through the trees of the forest. The sun beamed on the small patch of cleared land that four figures were in, warming the field. The two people and their dæmons sat on the sun-glazed ground, eyes closed, in a trance. The male human opened his eyes and began to speak in his smooth, clear voice.

"That's right, Tiponi and Medwin. Clear your minds of all distractions. Alright, we are now ready to work on your mental strength. Hold each other's hand and paw. Pool both of your minds together, so you are only one being. Concentrate on each other. You are more mentally aware of the other then any other being in these mountains. You can read your other half at anytime. You work as one."

Ekad paused, allowing his pupils to become lost in thought. Anata took her turn in teaching.

"Reflect on times when you knew what the other was thinking. Strengthen your mental link together. Imagine what the other does to show an emotion. Keep these thoughts at mind."

Ekad took his turn again. "Now relate these thoughts to battles. When you are in battle, consider what each other looks like and does when they are displaying emotions: Fear. Anger. Frustration. Thought. Joy. Triumph. Excitement. Pain. Stubbornness. Defeat. Victory. When they are exhibiting these feelings, what can you do in response?"

He took another long pause to allow them to think. Ekad then stood up.

"Now open your eyes and stand up, but stay in the same mindset. While you’re still connected to each other, we will try a practice match in order to allow you to become more aware of each other in battle."

Tiponi obeyed, as did Medwin. Tiponi felt calmly renewed. She realized how much she actually new about Medwin. By looking at her dæmon, she could tell he felt the same way.

Ekad moved to his spot in the make-shift Rim. Anata then walked over to her spot in the Rec. Tiponi followed his example and stood in the Rim opposite of Ekad, as her dæmon took his position in the Rec. She began to think about Medwin and what he would do in a battle.

"BEGIN!" yelled Ekad, and his dæmon started to scurry forward.

Tiponi thought quickly. Medwin would want to attack immediately, and most likely with Scratch. But Anata would probably expect Medwin's actions and counter.

"NO SCRATCH, FLUTTER!" Tiponi yelled to Medwin. She hoped her dæmon would remember how they used to think "flutter" was a fancy word for jump when they were young.

Tiponi was relieved to see the Charmander jump out of Anata's way, when he would usually attack.

Anata was caught by surprise and her prepared counter caused her to fall face-first into the ground.

"NOW!" Tiponi instructed, aware that the Charmander was eager to attack. He gladly slashed at Anata with a head on Scratch.

Ekad yelled out to his dæmon, "Teb!"

She quickly responded and leapt away toward the tree. Before Medwin or his human could figure out what was happening, Anata sprang up the tree in the middle of the field, then leapt down while shooting webs around her opponent. Medwin became engulfed in strong, sticky webs.

"AND, STOP!" Ekad shouted, meaning that the trial battle was completed.

Anata landed on the ground and began to help Medwin out of the sticky strings. When he was freed, the dæmons met their humans on their ends of the field.

"Great job," said Ekad, smiling encouragingly. "You did well with Mental Strength. Though if you noticed, Anata and I used the Strength of Technique at the end to catch you by surprise. That's an example of how you need to be a master at all four strengths." Ekad then held his hand to the side of his head. "Though I can tell you have no trouble with Physical Strength. That was quite a blow. What do you guys eat?" he said.

Tiponi laughed and scooped up her dæmon.

"Great job!" she told him, swinging him around happily.

"Tiponi, remember the time we were in English class and the teacher
was reading our paper out loud-"

"Yeah! And we had written "flutter" instead of "jump" in the essay because we thought it was a fancier word and we wanted to make it more formal-"

"So when Mrs. Ivy read it she thought it must have been the proper word to use so she taught it to be another word for "jump" for the rest of the school year!"

The two started laughing hysterically, reminiscing their childhood.

"Yeah, Tiponi, you’re something else," said Ekad with a smile after witnessing the scene.

Anata looked at Tiponi and Medwin, then at Ekad, then said, "Okay, let’s work on another strength."

"Okay," giggled the girl, as she put down her deæmon.

"Let’s do Technique. To start off, what attacks do you know?" said Anata.

"Let's see," said Medwin. "I can do Tackle, Growl, though I don't like that one, Scratch, Rage, Ember, and Slash."

"Slash?!" said Ekad and Anata at the same time.

"Yeah, I learned it on our travels. What’s wrong about it?" said the Charmander, slightly confused.

"Slash is a move that a Charmander learns at ESL 20," said Anata.

"And I'd say you’re about an ESL 15. That's really unusual that you would have learned that already," added Ekad.

Medwin puffed up his chest in pride. He loved being the best.

"But since you're about an ESL 15, you should know Leer and Smokescreen," pointed out Anata.

Medwin's chest deflated. "What, it's not good enough that I know Slash?" he fumed.

Tiponi, who was used to her dæmon's temper, said, "It's great that you know Slash. They just want to help you be better by teaching you new things."

"I knew that." said Medwin gruffly.

Tiponi chuckled. "He means that he is interested in learning more attacks," she explained, then asked, "But first, what's "ESL"? And how are we "15" of it?"

The two Swarm residents looked at Tiponi, making her feel even more like an outsider.

"Seriously? You don't know?" Anata asked. Tiponi and Medwin didn't respond.

"Well, in THAT case, I'll teach you." she said. "ESL stands for "Enhancement Strength Level". It's how you measure your amount of strength improvement. You can use the Four Strengths of questing in order to determine your ESL. And it's important to know your ESL, because then you know what attacks you can do."

"What do you mean?" asked Tiponi.

"In order to be able to do certain attacks, you need a certain amount of strength. For example, Medwin learned Slash, even though he was, say, ESL 15 and was theoretically unable to control the attack which usually requires ESL 20."

"I get it." said Medwin. "It's a way for us to determine how strong we are. And we improve our strength by mastering the Four Strengths. But we're getting off the subject. What was it you said about new attacks? I want to learn them."

"We can help with that." said Ekad. "Smokescreen is used to confuse the opponent through a cloud of smoke. Supposedly, the pokemon that produces the smoke is able to see through its own smoke, while the opponent can not. The pokemon is familiar with its own smoke and therefore can smell the opponent through it, as well."

"They are also familiar with how it drifts in the air, so if the opponent is moving in the smoke, they can tell because of abnormal air currents of the smoke," added Anata.

"Yeah, something like that," said her human. "Anyway, you can use Smokescreen by pretty much just forming smoke like you would fire, and release it around the arena. Now for Leer. Leer is used to startle the opponent into dropping their guard. All you have to do is stare at the opponent with an intimidating gaze caused by your natural instinct to defend."

"So all I have to do for Leer is look directly at the opponent like I would look at a wild animal I considered a threat, in order to ward them off?" Medwin asked.

"Pretty much," said Anata.

"Okay, I think I got it. I’m gonna master these attacks," said Medwin confidently.

The Charmander and his human began to practice. The Spinarak and her human stepped away, and watched the progress from a distance. As the Charmander ferociously puffed a small cloud of smoke from his mouth, it was clear that the two travelers were determined to become stronger and be the best.



(the edited version)

[mr_pikachu]

Hm, very interesting. The Swarm residents certainly have a lot to teach about the ways of Questing, and it's clear that Tiponi and Medwin are eagerly soaking up the knowledge. I loved the lessons, and the development of Tiponi and Medwin is great. The sagely attitude of Ekad and Anata is excellent, as well. Great effect, there. Nice job with this chapter.

Of course, that's not to say I don't have some criticism up my sleeve, as well...



The soft morning breeze blew gently through the forest trees.

Hmm… you may want to consider rewording this to avoid the rhyming of “breeze” and “trees”. It’s a little distracting.


“Hold each other’s hand and paw.”

This is a phrase that I personally hate, because I’m not sure of the rule for it myself, to be honest. The more I ponder the possessive state of “other’s”, the more confused I become. Should it be how it is, showing singular possession, or should the apostrophe be after the “s” to show that there is multiple possession taking place? Yes, they’re each only holding one object of the other, but there are two creatures being commanded… now you see why I get frustrated over this one! And Word doesn’t have a clue, as usual. I just wanted to make you aware of the possible grammatical error in that sentence, even though I’m really not sure.


“Keep these thought at mind.”

I don’t usually comment on grammar issues within quotations, but did you mean to have Anata neglect the plural in “thought”? After all, there are clearly multiple thoughts at issue here. If you meant for that to be there, that’s fine, but it doesn’t seem like you did.


She realized how much she actually new about Medwin.

The word “new” should be “knew”.


Medwin would want to attack immediately. And most likely with Scratch.

These two sentences should be combined into one, since the latter isn't a complete thought.


Ekad yelled out to his dæmon “Teb!”

There should be a comma before the quote, since there's a natural break in the flow of the sentence at that point.


“That’s an example of how you need to be a master at all four strength.”

Again, it doesn’t seem like you meant to leave out the plural in the word “strength”.


“Tiponi, remember the time we were in English class and the teacher was reading our paper outloud-”

The last word, “outloud”, should be broken up into two words: “out loud”.


“So when Mrs. Ivy read it she thought it must of been a proper word so she taught it to be another word for “jump” for the rest of the school year!”

The phrase “must of” should be “must have”. If I had a hundred dollars for every time I’ve seen that, I might be a millionaire.

“Yeah Tiponi, your something else.” Said Ekad with a smile, after witnessing the scene.

First off, there should be a comma after the first word in the sentence, since there’s a natural break there in this case. Secondly, “your” should be “you’re”. Thirdly, you should make the period inside the quotes a comma and decapitalize “Said”, since the sentence really continues beyond the quote. And finally, the last comma is unnecessary; it just breaks up the natural flow of the sentence. By the way, there were lots of other occasions where you ended a quote with a period and then continued the sentence without capitalizing the following word (in this case, it was “Said”), but I didn’t mention all of them due to their abundance. Just remember that if you continue by telling the reader who spoke, you can’t end the quote with a single period. (Using “…” is fine.) You have to change it to a comma to show the reader that you’re continuing the sentence.


“Slash?!” said Ekad and Anata at the same time.

Using the multiple closing punctuation (in this case, “?!”) isn’t necessary. Try to avoid things like that, and instead use descriptive words to show the surprise of the speaker(s). For instance, in this case you could say something like this: “Slash?” Ekad and Anata yelped at the same time. That avoids the incorrect grammar inherent in using multiple end punctuation, but it preserves the surprise that Ekad and Anata showed when they heard that Medwin knew that move.


“That’s realy unusual that you would have learned it.” added Ekad.

The word “realy” should be “really”. Typo alert!


He loved being the best.

This whole sentence really isn’t necessary. Medwin’s pride is clear from the previous sentence and from what we’ve seen about his character in the past. Plus, removing it makes his chest deflation a little more humorous.


“In order to be able to do certain attacks, you need a certain amount of strength.
For example, Medwin learned Slash, even though he was, say, ESL 15 and was theoretically unable to control the attack which usually requires ESL 20.”

You don’t need or want a new line here. I’m guessing that when you typed it on your computer, you accidentally hit the Enter key before the second sentence. Then, it probably didn’t show up because that was the end of the line anyway. Am I right? This is why it’s important to edit after posting, as well. Sometimes your word processing program can lie to you. And while I’m on the topic of these sentences, I thought you said the move required ESL 30 earlier in the chapter? Just wondering about that.


“But you’re getting off the subject, what was it you said about new attacks?”

The comma should be a semicolon or a period, since you have a complete thought on either side of it with no conjunction after the comma.


“Anyway, you can make smoke screen by pretty much just forming smoke like you would fire, and release it around the arena.

In the past, you’ve described moves as being capitalized (and in this case, one word), so shouldn’t “smoke screen” be “Smokescreen”?


As the Charmander ferociously puffed a small cloud of smoke from his mouth, it was clear that the two travelers were determined to become strong and the best.

It’s only an aesthetic point, but the end of this final sentence is a little weak. It would probably be better if you just chose between becoming “strong” or “the best”. Having both of them there just draws the sentence out for a little too long.



Still, this was very nice work. You're doing a good job with the characters, and the lessons are working into the plot well. Great emotions, too. I love how the plot is moving along; it's a slow pace, but each chapter is still satisfying for the reader. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter! See you then!

[Mew Trainer Rose]

*checks own copy* Eevee, I think you posted the unedited version again. I caught most of those mistakes.

[eevee-shayna]

*checks my own copy again*
no rose, i don't believe you sent me another copy. i don't think i have any edited chapters since chapter 21.

and thanks for the coments, teacher. always a pleasure to have.





*Chapter 22 has now been edited. sorry for the confusion.... again..*

[Samchu]

OMG! Why didn't you tell me this was up? Anyway, I loved it. The approach to this chapter was excellent and I really loved how you managed to show development in the bond between Medwin and Tiponi (the mental connection they were taught to make at the beginning at the battle didn't disappear at the end of it but remained), that was a very nice touch.

And I agree with the teacher, the 'sage effect' you used for Ekad and Anata was a really interesting way to round off the chapter especially because the lesson itself was so spiritually based.

Well I'm glad to see a new chapter, and another excellent one at that. Kepp up the good work and have a happy chanuka! SHALOM!

[eevee-shayna]

thanks for the coments!

enjoy


Chapter 23

It had been over a month since Tiponi had encountered Ekad in the forest that surrounded Swarm, and the air had begun to get cold and dry. The leaves of the forest now exhibited brilliant shades of red, orange and yellow, and on many days the morning dew had been replaced by frost that clung to the earth and grass. Medwin's winter flames had taken form; the once orange flame was now replaced by a larger and much hotter blaze that had a whitish-blue light. This flame naturally formed on all flame-bearing pokemon in order to keep them warm during the Cold Season.

Tiponi and Medwin had been undergoing intense training under the direction of Ekad and Anata in order to master the Four Strengths. They practiced Mental Strength by daily meditations, and in-depth conversation about each other and their memories. Physical Strength was practiced through difficult exercises that involved each part of the body. In order to employ Technique Strength, they constantly thought up ideas for different attack strategies they could use, and they practiced them in order to perfect the attacks. They trained their Communication Strength by coming up with clear codes for their attack patterns, and they worked on communicating with one another while in battle in order to help each other out.

During this time, Tiponi and her dæmon became noticeably improved as Questers. Ekad figured that they had become at least ESL 20, and Medwin had learned Metal Claw. Overall they had improved immensely.

One night the group decided that it was time to head toward Swarm. They had almost run out provisions and grown tired of the forest. And so the next day they made their way toward civilization, namely Swarm.

"You'll love it there," said Ekad eagerly to his comrades. "The City is all trees, and the people are so into Questing. Everyone will be really excited to meet an outsider. It'll be great!"

Ekad continued to ramble on as they neared the city. They were close enough that they were walking on a path through the woods.

"It would take forever for someone to go through the forest to Swarm if they didn't know the way," Medwin thought aloud, cutting off Ekad.

"Yeah, people have gotten lost in the forest before. It takes about three days if you know what you're doing, but most outsiders spend weeks to reach Swarm," said Anata.

"Here we are!" exclaimed Ekad. The four travelers walked around a few more trees, and then stopped.

Swarm was like no other place Tiponi or Medwin had ever seen before. It was like some child's fantasy. Colossal trees stood like mountains, with houses nestled in there branches. Some trees were hollow and housed buildings in their depths, while long wood and rope bridges connected the trees like a massive web. On the ground was a carpet of farms and gardens, and everywhere there were people, busy and bustling, inhabiting this wonder suspended in the forest.

Tiponi squinted and looked up, trying to find the top of the city. The trees produced a huge canopy that looked like a giant inferno because of the brilliant colors of the leaves. Silos in the highest branches told Tiponi that Swarm got its water supply from the rain.

"Wow..." said Tiponi, shocked and in awe. A yellow leaf the size of her head fell from one of the large trees and landed by her feet.

"Yeah, Swarm's particularly beautiful right before the Cold Season," said Ekad, smiling. Tiponi felt that the word "beautiful" did not do the foliage justice.

"I have to admit, it’s pretty amazing too see the leaves looking like a bonfire on the top of the trees," Medwin said.

"Look, they're setting up for the Crop Gathering Festival," Anata pointed out. "I'm glad we didn't miss it."

The other three travelers nodded their heads in agreement. They all took a few more minutes to breathe in the crisp air, and watch a few flame-colored leaves fall gracefully to the ground.

"Let’s go, there are a bunch of people I need to see and introduce you to," Ekad said, interrupting the serenity of the moment.

"Yes," said Anata, shaking away tranquil feeling, "Mom will be happy to see us."

The four began to walk, still admiring the scenery. Tiponi and Medwin walked close together, feeling intimated by the magnificent city, while Ekad and Anata walked confidently. Ekad lead them walked to the nearest large tree, then opened a door in the bottom of the tree and went in, followed by his dæmon. When Tiponi and her dæmon followed, they found that the inside of this tree was hollowed out. A wooden staircase spiraled upwards inside the trunk. The girl looked up to find that the stairs ended a distance above, and leveled off to meet another door.

Ekad, who was already climbing up the stairs, said "Come on, Tiponi and Medwin!"

The two outsiders climbed the tall, winding staircase and met Ekad at the landing in front of the door. Although it had been a long climb, neither of the outsiders was even slightly tired, because of the intense training they had undertaken for the past month.

The boy opened the door, revealing where they were. They had traveled a great distance upward, and were now at the main level of the city. As they walked onto a sturdy platform outside of the tree staircase, Tiponi found out how far they were up from the ground.

"We must be at least as high as one of the houses at home!" exclaimed Tiponi, surprised at the height.

Her new friend just smiled at this comment, and said "It's a good thing you aren't afraid of heights, then." She silently agreed. It would have been awful if she was afraid of being so far up, especially since she was in Swarm.

Ekad had begun to walk on one of the four bridges that connected to the platform when a group of three boys stepped onto the other end and started to walk toward them. Ekad noticed them and walked back onto the platform, but Tiponi couldn't help notice that his facial expression changed.

"Well, look who’s back after disappearing into the forest for two months," said the boy in front of the group. He had shiny, jet-black hair that sprouted from his head like spikes, sharp brown eyes, a red jacket, and durable black trousers. A Vibrava fluttered its shiny black and green wings while perched on the boy’s shoulder. The Vibrava was presumably his dæmon, and the two people trailing behind him with a Shroomish and a Lotad were presumably his friends.

"Hello, Matchi," Ekad responded flatly.

"Hello, Tisiw," Anata said to the Vibrava.

The boy, apparently named Matchi, reached the platform on which the four travelers stood. As he walked onto it he was about say something to Ekad, but then spotted Tiponi. He looked at her inquisitively, seeming exceedingly curious about the outsider.

"Who's this, Ekad? Did you find this lovely lady in the forest?" Matchi asked, saying the last part charmingly to Tiponi.

"My name is Tiponi of Quartz, and this is my dæmon, Medwin. I am a traveling Quester; pleased to meet you," Tiponi said kindly, then curtsied. The boy chuckled softly, nodding at his friends behind him, then smiled at Tiponi.

"The pleasure is all mine, Tiponi. Call me Matchi, and my dæmon is Tisiw. I am also a Quester," he said smoothly, than bowed slightly. Tiponi was glad to meet someone proper, and smiled at him.

Ekad looked at Tiponi, than at Matchi, and said briskly, "Well, we'd love to stay and chat, but we have to get going. Maybe we’ll talk some other time." With that, Ekad and Anata squeezed past the three boys, and began to walk on the bridge. As Tiponi and Medwin began to follow him, Matchi stopped Tiponi to say, "I hope we shall meet again, Quester Tiponi of Quartz." And with that, he gently raised her hand and kissed it lightly. He let her hand go and said, "Your span awaits you."

The three boys then departed through the tree staircase. Tiponi paused for a moment, than hurried to catch up with Ekad on the bridge, or as Matchi had called it, the span.

"Who was that boy, Ekad?" Medwin asked as they came to the end of the bridge, across a platform, and began to walk on another bridge. Tiponi could only imagine how lost she would get if she was traveling on this mesh of bridges by herself.

"Matchi?" Ekad replied dismissively. "Just a Swarm resident."

They continued in silence along many bridges and platforms, until Ekad finally stopped at a door. He sheepishly smiled at Tiponi and said, "Here we are," then knocked on the door.

Chapter 24

The thick wood door swung open to reveal a friendly-looking woman. She appeared to be middle-aged, with a graying brown hair that was twisted neatly into a bun on her head, and suntanned skin. She sported a well-worn light blue long sleeve shirt, and, to Tiponi's amazement, durable dark-brown trousers. Tiponi was completely stunned that women in Swarm were permitted to wear trousers.

As soon as the woman spotted Ekad she smiled widely. To Ekad's embarrassment, she exclaimed "My baby!" and promptly hugged him.

"I've missed you! You were gone for so long this time. You really know
how to make a mother worry!" she motherly cried.

When she finally stopped smothering her son, he was able to say, "Missed you too, Mom. I brought a friend; this is Tiponi."

Ekad's Mom turned to look at the girl standing in her doorway. She seemed to have the same curious look on her face that Matchi had had while examining Tiponi.

"You're new around here, aren't you? Well, it's not very often that we get an outsider in this city. And it's even less often that my son brings a pretty young lady home. Come on in!" she said sociably. She moved to the side to let the travelers to enter her home. Tiponi smiled pleasantly at the woman, than noticed her dæmon, a Ninetails. Tiponi’s respect for Ekad's mother immediately grew. She must have been an amazing woman to have had her dæmon evolve from its pre-evolution, Vulpix. She must have had a life-changing experience!

Ekad’s mother closed the door after everyone had entered. Ekad was already unpacking his large pack when his mother began to talk again.

"Well, I'm sure glad to have some company! And you're just in time for the Crop Gathering Festival. But what am I rambling about, I'm Ekad's mom, you can just call me Cauda. My dæmon goes by Kyuubi."

Tiponi smiled warmly at Cauda. Than she said politely "My name is Tiponi of Quartz, pleased to meet you."

Medwin added right after, "And I'm Medwin."

Before Cauda could respond, a loud whistling sound filled the room. Ekad's mother stood up immediately.

"That would be the tea. Excuse me for a moment," she said before leaving the room.

While she was gone, Tiponi had a chance to look around the room she was in. It was a generously-sized room considering it was in a tree.
There were two doors in the room; one was the entrance and the other was the one Cauda had went through. Tiponi guessed that door led to the kitchen. Also in the room was a window, a table, a few chairs, many shelves and cabinets all over the walls, a bookcase filled with all sorts of nick-nacks, and a ladder. Confused as to the purpose of the last item, the girl looked up to see where it led. The ladder seemed to lean against two large boxes just under the ceiling.

"Ekad, what's the ladder for?" she asked curiously.

The boy looked up, than answered casually, "Oh, that's for our beds."

Medwin jumped into the conversation and asked "Beds? What do you mean?"

Ekad stopped unpacking and walked over to explain. "The ladder leads to our beds, which are in those boxes by the ceiling. Swarm beds are made that way to conserve space. Check it out if you want.”

Tiponi took the invitation and walked over to the ladder. Medwin walked behind her, equally interested. The girl grabbed hold of a rung and climbed just high enough to peak her head into the boxes. She found that the ladder stopped in an opening between the two beds. Both boxes had one side open that faced the ladder. Tiponi also noticed that each bed had a curtain that could close in order to give the person some privacy. Tiponi was completely fascinated and was tempted to climb into one of the boxes, but was interrupted by a tug at her skirt.

"It's my turn!" her dæmon called to her. Tiponi reluctantly climbed down the ladder to give Medwin a turn. He quickly climbed up, and his sudden outburst of "Amazing, I wish I had one of these," came down from the ceiling. She couldn't help but laugh. Ekad seemed to have agreed with her amusement and laughed as well.

As Medwin climbed back down, Cauda entered the room with a teapot, four cups, and two low bowls. She placed the items on the table.

"Rose hip tea, anyone?" she asked.

All the beings in the room gathered around the table as she poured the tea. The four cups were for her, Ekad, Tiponi, and Medwin. The two bowls were for Anata and Kyuubi who were unable to hold cups.

Tiponi mumbled her thanks, than sipped the warm, herbal mixture. She loved the taste of tea because it reminded her of her favorite time of the year. Right before the Cold Season, the air became crisp and smoky, the leaves turned brilliant colors, and it was cold enough to start a warm, cozy fire in the fireplace. Tiponi suddenly felt a sharp pang of homesickness. She had never missed the Crop Gathering Festival in Quartz, and she would this year. She took another sip of the rose hip tea to try and wash down the feeling.

"So you say you're Tiponi and Medwin of Quartz?" Cauda said after a long sip of tea.

"Yes. Tiponi Vared, actually."

Cauda stopped drinking her tea and took a long look at Tiponi.

"Vared?" she said.

"Yes. Vared's my last name." Tiponi replied.

"Apala..." whispered Cauda in a distant voice.

Tiponi looked at her dæmon in confusion. She made a mental note to talk about it with Medwin when they were alone. The Charmander nodded in agreement to his human's unspoken thoughts.

"Well," said Ekad, breaking the uneasy silence. "Tiponi, why don't you tell Mom about your journey?"

The girl looked at him. "All of it?" she said. "It's quite a long story."

"I'd be glad to hear it," Cauda said with a friendly smile. "Why don't we get all comfortable?"

She pulled the chairs together, and sat back down as her dæmon sat down beside her. Ekad had finished unpacking, so he joined them in the chairs while Anata stayed on the table to drink her tea. Tiponi sat in her chair while Medwin wandered around the room.

"I guess it all started from when I left Quartz. I then went to Lichen to get my first badge. That's where I met Mafuame-"

"Mafuame!" Cauda said, startling Tiponi. "Excuse me for interrupting.
It's just, well, I haven't seen Mafuame for ages."

"You know her?" Tiponi said in surprise.

"Yes. Me and Mafuama and-" she stopped sharply, looked at Tiponi, than said, "Well, we were all good friends." She laughed uneasily and added
"But we're listening to your story right now. Please, continue."

Tiponi was hesitant after the outburst, but continued to tell her story. She told of Mafuame, Lichen, Lime Water Lake, and when she came to Etchemin, she paused, then passed over his appearance in her story. She wasn't sure why, but for some reason she didn't want Cauda to know about him. Maybe it was because Cauda seemed to be keeping a secret from her. Or maybe because Tiponi was unable to admit to herself that Etchemin had existed, and that she missed him.

[Samchu]

I really enjoyed those chapters, it was an interesting approach and just felt a little more...homey. Your grammer's really imporving too, there were still a couple of mistakes - which I'm sure 'teacher' will gladly point out - but a lot less than there usually is.

The conversations with Cauda are very interesting, I really like pieces of work where the reader recieves only as much information as the character, it make the story so much more interesting and the characters so much easier to relate to. Plus all the theories it brings up...

It nice to see Tiponi constantly making new friends, though I have my doubts about her judgement (I know I wouldn't let that creep Matchi anywhere near my hand! - well he seems like a creep to me). I have to admit though...Tiponi's not the only one beginning to miss Etchemin...

[eevee-shayna]

oops. didn't mean to post two chapters. oh well, that's my christmass present to all. glad you enjoy in, sam. you'll learn more about matchi. he is definetly a main charactor for later. i'm interedted in everyone's oppinions of him, though.

[mr_pikachu]

First of all, sorry for not posting in so long. First I had finals, then a really long vacation out of town (and the country, for awhile), and most recently, internet troubles. I actually wrote this entire post (even this narrative) on Microsoft Word while the internet was being screwy. Somehow I managed to get into your fic, and then the net went down again. At least I kept the window open long enough to write this, though.

First of all, you’re improving quite a lot, as Samchu said. You’ll find that the majority of my comments in this chapter are either very obscure grammatical issues or aesthetic points I thought were worth making. There are still blatant things to look at, but not nearly as many as before. Good work.

Nice character development all around. Great introduction of Matchi and Cauda, and great development of Tiponi and Medwin, as well as the bond they share. Nice job with Kyuubi as well. I’ve been meaning to ask for a long time about the possibility of dæmon evolution, since the dæmon is essentially the soul of the human it is tied to. I guess I have my answer now. And Dittos are for those who have multiple personalities?

Brilliant work with the setting in the first chapter. I could envision everything in my head, so you did a superb job. Very good work there. I love the plot advancement, as well. You’re really doing a good job with the pace in my opinion. Taking it nice and easy and letting everything develop is advice a lot of writers here could learn from. Nicely done.

One thing I wanted to ask about… I noticed that the style of quotation marks that appear in your chapters are the quotes that show up if you type it in the text box by hand ("" rather than “”). You aren’t retyping your chapters to transfer them to the forum, are you? If you are, I’d advise you to stop and cut-and-paste your chapters into the box instead. I say this because when you try to retype something to transfer it, you may think you have everything exactly the same, but you’re bound to miss a few things, be them letters, punctuation marks, small words, etc. It’s best to use exactly what you’ve written, since that’s exactly what you intend to post.

Anyway, on to the critiques!



They practiced Mental Strength by daily meditations, and in-depth conversation about each other and their memories.

The comma is not needed, since the only two items in the list of how the practiced were meditations and conversation. If you’re worried about “memories” looking like a third item because it also comes after an “and”, change on of your uses of “and” to another word or phrase. I like to use things like “as well as”, “plus”, and “in addition”. I just find that they sound neat, but those types of things are pretty much just a matter of personal opinion. On a side note, “conversation” not being plural caught me off-guard, but after thinking about it, I think it’s fine. Just thought I’d mention that.


In order to employ Technique Strength, they constantly thought up ideas for different attack strategies they could use, and they practiced them in order to perfect the attacks. They trained their Communication Strength by coming up with clear codes for their attack patterns, and they worked on communicating with one another while in battle in order to help each other out.

This excerpt may not seem a problem in this context, but I chose it because of a situation with it in the chapter. This point is about where you first notice the repetitive use of the word “they”. As a general rule, try to mix up the words in your narration when you can so you don’t bore the reader with the same language used repeatedly. It is especially prominent here, as “they” appears four times in two sentences. Try to avoid using words too much, unless they are extremely common words like “the” or “a”. “Said” is acceptable to repeat as well, since it frequently appears after quotes. However, the word “they” is just uncommon enough to catch your attention when it is used this much. One thing you could do here is delete the second “they” in the excerpt as well as the comma preceding it. That would help the flow of your sentence, as well.

(Note: I understand that many people use the same sort of language and words a lot. In those cases, it is perfectly fine to repeat words, because you’re merely portraying the character. This critique only refers to repetition involving the narration in part or in whole. Also note that sometimes repetition can be used intentionally by writers as an aesthetic technique, simply because it is not expected. However, it is unwise to do so unless you intend to use it as a literary technique, so don’t just ignore other instances of repetition because of that. Finally, note that sometimes repetition is unavoidable, so there may be cases where you absolutely cannot reasonably get around using the same word repeatedly. In my case, however, I am too lazy to worry about repetition in my critiques. My actual writing, on the other hand, is another story.)


Tiponi and her dæmon became noticeably improved as Questers. Ekad figured that they had become at least ESL 20, and Medwin had learned Metal Claw. Overall they had improved immensely.

Again, repetition is a problem. The words “became” and “become” are close enough to catch your eye when used in back-to-back sentences. And “improved” is uncommon enough to be irritating when seen twice in three sentences. On a good note, though, I’d say the reuse of “had” is probably acceptable to this extent, because of the commonness of the word in writing.


They had almost run out provisions and grown tired of the forest.

“They had almost run out provisions”? Where’s the “of”?


Colossal trees stood like mountains, with houses nestled in there branches.

(there/their)


They all took a few more minutes to breathe in the crisp air, and watch a few flame-colored leaves fall gracefully to the ground.

As before, there are only two items in the list of actions: breathe and watch. (The “took” in this sentence doesn’t count because it is not a part of the list.) Thus, you don’t need or want the comma.


"Yes," said Anata, shaking away tranquil feeling, "Mom will be happy to see us."

You need a “the” between “away” and “tranquil”. That helps to identify “tranquil feeling” as a noun, which is why that is the grammatically correct way to do it. I suspect you just forgot to type it, but I wanted to be sure. Proofread, proofread, proofread! :tongue:


Ekad lead them walked to the nearest large tree, then opened a door in the bottom of the tree and went in, followed by his dæmon.

I’m not entirely sure what you’re trying to say here. I’m guessing you mean in the beginning of the sentence that Ekad led them to the tree. In that case, “walked” can be deleted, since a second verb there doesn’t make any sense. Besides, we get the point from Ekad leading them. Plus, “lead” should be “led”, as the past tense form. And then we get to the list of Ekad’s actions as a whole. A lot of this depends on whether you want “then opened a door in the bottom of the tree and went in” to be seen as one verb or two. It’s related, so I think it could go either way, based on your preference. That choice will determine how you’ll want to use commas, as well as what to ponder in the decision of possibly deleting the word “then” (I think it’s in the way if the actions in that specific phrase are separare, but that’s only my aesthetic opinion with no grammatical foundation).

Wow. That was complicated. If there’s anything you don’t understand, tell me and I’ll try again with that one (or any other, for that matter). Whoo.


-----------------Chapter 24-----------------


She appeared to be middle-aged, with a graying brown hair that was twisted neatly into a bun on her head, and suntanned skin.

Wow, that must be some hair if she can make a bun out of it with just one! (Non-sarcastic critique: delete the first “a”. Sorry; I can’t help myself with some typos.)


"I've missed you! You were gone for so long this time. You really know
how to make a mother worry!" she motherly cried.

It’s only a formatting issue, but I think you accidentally started a new line after “know”. Actually, I’m sure of it. Check the way it appears in the chapter and compare the space after “know” with the length of the next word (“how”) if you’re not certain. Oh, and nice use of the word “motherly”. That made me laugh.


She moved to the side to let the travelers to enter her home.

The third “to” just gets in the way, so it shouldn’t be there. It’s not a repetition issue, actually, it’s merely that that specific word is misplaced and thus makes the sentence grammatically incorrect. (On a personal note, I hate it when I set myself to say things like “that that”, but oh well. That really does get on my nerves when I’m reading. Only an aesthetic opinion, but that’s why I steer clear of that in my works. If you’re fine with that sort of thing, you should be fine with putting it in your works, as you’ve got to follow your own feelings for the aesthetics of your writing.)


There were two doors in the room; one was the entrance and the other was the one Cauda had went through.

I believe “went” should be “gone” since it’s preceded by the helping verb “had”, but I’m not certain. It’s something to look into, though.


Also in the room was a window, a table, a few chairs, many shelves and cabinets all over the walls, a bookcase filled with all sorts of nick-nacks, and a ladder.

The word “was” should be “were” (think about it; you’re following up by saying a lot of different things are in the room, not one), and “nick-nacks” should be “knick-knacks”. The only reason I even thought of that was because I’ve read a Dilbert comic with that word in it. Microsoft Word’s handy thesaurus confirmed my suspicions. Go Dilbert!


Medwin jumped into the conversation and asked "Beds? What do you mean?"

You need a comma before the quote. A good trick with commas is to say the phrase to yourself aloud. If you pause naturally, you know you need a comma there if it was a point you were considering anyway. There’s a natural break in the sentence before the quote here, so a comma is necessary.


The girl grabbed hold of a rung and climbed just high enough to peak her head into the boxes.

(peak/peek)


The four cups were for her, Ekad, Tiponi, and Medwin. The two bowls were for Anata and Kyuubi who were unable to hold cups.

It’s only an aesthetic consideration, but I thought I’d mention it. Sometimes it’s best not to explain things, but to demonstrate what you mean by showing actions and events, if you can. You could have Anata and Kyuubi walk over to the bowls on their own to drink, for one thing. That would show who the cups were for and who the bowls were for without the need for an outright declaration. It just sticks out to me, that’s all. Try writing an alternative with actions to demonstrate your point and compare that with what you had written initially. That’ll help you decide.


"Excuse me for interrupting.
It's just, well, I haven't seen Mafuame for ages."

You started a new line after the first sentence here, as well. Be careful.


"Yes. Me and Mafuama and-" she stopped sharply, looked at Tiponi, than said, "Well, we were all good friends."

Two things: First, stopping sharply was not her speech itself, so that should begin a separate sentence. Thus, you should capitalize “she”. Second, I believe the name was “Mafuame”, not “Mafuama”. Unless that’s a different person entirely, in which case my point has no merit. I can’t read your mind, after all.


She laughed uneasily and added
"But we're listening to your story right now. Please, continue."

Again, you need a comma before the quote, and again you started another line after “added”. Watch out for that! Maybe I should go back and check for more… oh wait, that’s right. I’m lazy. Right.


Or maybe because Tiponi was unable to admit to herself that Etchemin had existed, and that she missed him.

I only mention this sentence because it was the last sentence of your chapter. I hate to criticize the conclusion of anything, but I thought this one in particular could have been better. Remember, a conclusion to a chapter doesn’t always have to conclude something (which this sentence essentially did, frankly). Sometimes it’s best to leave your readers in the dark a little (or a lot), if for no other reason than to get them thinking. The more they wonder about aspects of your fic, the more interested they will be in it, naturally. So vagueness may have been better in this last sentence; say, something along the lines of “Or maybe it was something else.” See how that’s a kind of cliffhanger? It really gets the reader wondering about her motives for leaving Etchemin out of the story. Is she mad at him for leaving without telling her? Could it be because, as you said, she misses him? Or is it something else entirely? That’s the kind of question you want your readers to wonder about.



Remember, though, that I’m looking at things a lot closer than I was before. That’s for your benefit, because I can see that you’re quickly learning the things I’ve already mentioned. If I didn’t take the time to read carefully, I’d have very few negative things to say at all. So you should be proud of the dramatic improvement you’ve made in your writing. I’m not sure how much MTR is editing your work, but it’s certain that you make a great team. And think about all the positive points I mentioned, too. Excellent job. I’ll see you next chapter!


P.S. 100th post in the thread! Woohoo!

[eevee-shayna]

thanx for comments. reading what other people write is the best part of writing fanfics.

ugg, exams. but today i have a snowday, so enjoy.


Chapter 25

Tiponi continued the story, and when she came to the part about the
messenger and the rumor, Ekad's mother reacted similar to her son.

"Ban Questing! Tiponi, you most be mistaken. Why would the Champion do
this?" she said anxiously.

"I don't know, but he might start soon. Hot Springs has already
self-banned Questing." Tiponi said, trying to stay calm.

"Did you say "He"?" Cauda's dæmon asked.

"I did." replied Tiponi.

Medwen caught on. "Kyuubi, The former Quester Champion died a few
months ago. The Present Champion is new. And he seems to have an
ambition for ending Questing."

Cauda involuntarily let out a sudden sob. Her hand immediately shot to
her face and clasped her mouth. After a few moments, when she had
controlled herself, Cauda said in a quite voice "I think we should
discuss this in a city meeting."

Ekad looked at his mother in perplexment, than said "It's getting
late. The sun should be down soon. Perhaps we should wait until
morning."

His mother nodded and said "Perhaps that would be best." She looked up
and smiled weakly. "I apologize for my behavior. It's just that this
news comes as a shock to me."

She stood up and added "I'll take your tea cups to the kitchen." With
that, she gathered the tea cups, saucers, and teapot, and disappeared
into the kitchen.

Ekad stood up and was about to follow his mother into the kitchen, but
his dæmon stopped him by saying "Better leaver her alone. She looked
pretty upset."

Ekad nodded in agreement. He tried to hide it, but Tiponi could tell
that he was worried.

"Maybe we should get settled for bed?" Tiponi suggested.

Ekad gave Tiponi one of his charming smiles and said "Of course. I
would only feel right if I offered you my bed, and slept on the floor
myself."

Medwin was jumping around excitedly, but to his disappointment, Tiponi
said "No, that won't be necessary. It's your home and you haven't been
here for two months. I'll sleep on the floor in my sleeping bag.
Besides, I might roll over the edge and fall off the bed."

"I'd catch you, if you fall." Ekad said benevolently.

Tiponi just smiled and began to unpack her goose-down sleeping bag.
She placed it neatly next to a wall, than sat down on it gracefully.

There was an uneasy silence, before Tiponi began to say
conversationally "How do these homes stay inside the giant Swarm
trees?"

Ekad sat down in a chair and looked down at Tiponi as he answered
"When they hollow out the rooms, they put an herbal mixture onto the
walls in order to stunt the tree's interior growth. However, the trees
continue to grow on the outside. We also put minerals and vitamins in
the ground around the tree so the roots will suck them up and become
stronger."

The girl nodded. "That makes sense." she replied.

There was another long pause. Medwin interrupted the silence walking
in-between the two. He was carrying a large basin.

"What's this for?" he asked.

Ekad, blushing with embarrassment, answered the Charmander by saying
"It's a chamber-pot, Medwin."

He dropped the chamber-pot with disgust, than wiped his paws on Ekad's pant leg.

Ekad, with an uncomfortable smile, picked up the basin, put it behind
the ladder, and sat back on his chair.

Tiponi couldn't help but laugh. Her dæmon stood grumpily at the other
end of the room. Tiponi could tell he was annoyed at her for turning
down the bed-loft, and now for laughing at his expense.

"Sorry, Medwin." she chuckled. She was used to her dæmon's moodiness.

"In Swarm, each tree house doesn't have it's own out house. You can
either climb all the way down and use the public outhouses, or use a
chamber-pot." Anata explained coolly.

After she had stopped chuckling, Tiponi reached over to her pack and
pulled out her precious turtle shell comb. She began to comb her hair
with it, when she noticed Ekad was staring.

"What?" she asked, not unpleasantly.

"Where'd you get that?" he asked bewildered.

"Mom used to make turtle shell combs like that when she was younger."
Anata added.

Tiponi looked at comb, than said "My parents."

She quickly finished combing her hair, than put the comb away.

"Is there anywhere I could change into my night gown?" Tiponi asked right after.

Ekad stood up and said "I'll leave the room."

"No, that's all right. But could you direct me to one of the
outhouses?" Tiponi said.

"Sure. I'll take you to one. Actually, the closest one isn't too far
away from the public Bathhouse, if you want to go to it."

Tiponi nodded and picked up her pack.

"We'll be back, Mom." Ekad yelled courtesly to his mother as he
grabbed a jacket.

"Alright." she replied steadily.

The four left the house and closed the door behind them.

The sky had darkened, and most of the hustle and bustling people had
gone home. Tiponi breathed in the cool night air, and admired the
milk-white glow of the moon above.

After a moment, Ekad said "This way."

The four walked across a few rope bridges, until they came to a tree
stair case. Ekad led the way as they walked down the dark spiraling
stair case. The only light came from Medwin's tail, and a few
scattered windows in the tree walls.

When they reached the bottom, they continued to walk along the Swarm
floor. The travelers were silent, except for a few remarks on the
night's beauty. After only a few minutes, they reached a large log
building. They entered the one door to the building and found
themselves in a small room in front of a counter. There was a woman at
the counter with a Warturtle for a dæmon.

"Can I help you?" she asked, looking up from a book.

"I would like to use the bathhouse, please." said Tiponi, Quietly.

"Of course," the woman said politely. "And you, sir?"

"No, not me," replied Ekad, "Though I will pay for the lady."

Ekad placed a few coins on the desk, than said to Tiponi, "I'm going
to catch up on a few friends, but I'll be back to take you home."

Tiponi smiled gratefully, and Medwin murmured his human's thanks.

Soon Ekad left the building, and the woman at the counter escorted
Tiponi into a large, steaming room. The room had six individual
cubicles. Each cubicle had three walls inclosing it that were made out
of wood, and the fourth walls were closed off with a wooden sliding
door.

Tiponi was led into one of the vacant cubicles by the woman's
Warturtle. The woman brought extra towels and handed them to Tiponi.

"Anything else you require?" she asked.

"Could you tell me where you get all this water from?" Tiponi said curiously.

"Certainly," the woman replied, "I can tell you are an outsider. Swarm
gets its water supply from the rain. You may have noticed the silos on
the highest trees. Some of that water is for drinking and crops, and
some of the water is for this bathhouse. You'd think there wouldn't be
enough water to go around, but Swarm's placement in the Mineral
Mountains is unique. This city is right next to Wing Span Mountain.
The water from Lime Water Lake evaporates and becomes clouds. The
clouds rise over Wing Span Mountain and freeze because of the
temperature on the top of the mountain. When the clouds descend, the
temperature becomes warmer and melts the clouds, causing them to let
go all of their water onto Swarm. Because of this surplus of water,
the forests that Swarm is nested in are able to thrive, as well as
many plants and animals found only here. The giant trees this city is
built into are the center of where the water falls, and therefore are
able to grow so large."

She paused and took a breath. "But a better be going, I've taken up
enough of your time." she said with a smile.

Her dæmon looked at Medwin, than asked "Will he be alright in the water?"

"I can manage" the Charmander replied proudly.

Tiponi giggled, than closed the sliding door. There was a peg on the
door that enabled her to loosely lock the door, in order to give
herself some privacy.

Finally alone, Tiponi quickly undressed and climbed into the decently
sized tub in the middle of the cubicle. She let out a happy sigh as
the steaming water engulfed her weary body. The Quester breathed in
the warm air, and found that the water was scented; like pleasant
herbs and flowers.

"Could you hand me two of the smaller towels, Medwin?" Tiponi asked her dæmon.

He reluctantly obeyed and handed her the two towels she had metioned.
She dipped both pieces of soft, white, cloth into the warm, scented
water.

She than handed one to Medwin and said, "Here, you can clean yourself
with this."

He took the dripping clothe, walked over to a small wooden bench next
to the tub, and began to clean himself as he sat down. Even Medwin
seemed to enjoy the pleasant aroma of the water.

Tiponi leaned back to wet her hair. The girl blissfully scrubbed the
month's worth of dirt and grim from her worn out body with the small
towel, than scrubbed her long hair. She hadn't washed since Hot
Spring, and welcomed the cleansing feeling.

When she felt she was completely spotless, she began to play with the
water. As she blew a bubble from a cluster of suds, Medwin walked over
to the tub and leaned up toward his human.

"Tiponi, pick me up." he said, not unpleasantly.

His human leaned down and pulled her dæmon to the side of the tub. She
than held his tail up and lightly placed him into the water. She let
her dæmon swim around as she held his tail up above the water. They
swam and played for awhile, but soon decided it was time to leave.

They climbed out of the tub and dried themselves with the two
remaining towels. When they were dry, Tiponi reached into her pack and
took out a fresh pair of undergarments, and her cream colored night
gown. As she put on her clothing, Medwin gathered up Tiponi's
traveling clothes and placed them in the pack. He then picked up all
the towels. His human, fully changed, picked up her pack, unlocked the
sliding door, and slid it open. The two left the room and when they
entered the small entrance room where the woman sat, Medwin handed her
the towels.

With a sweet smile, the Quester left the Bathhouse and walked out into
the cold, crisp air. Noticing Ekad had not yet returned, she walked
over to a public outhouse close by.

When the two outsiders emerged, they walked over to the Bathhouse
building wall, and waited for Ekad to arrive.

[mistysakura]

My first time posting in here. An interesting filler, it's good to learn more about the unique ways of the people of Swarm, but I think there could have been more in this chapter that was more relevant to the story. Even new relationships between characters and stuff would have made a difference. it's interesting that Cauda, and presumably the rest of Swarm, didn't know about Professor Apala dying; it seemes like old news, and you'd think that messengers and stuff would have reached the town with the news. although it's not surprising that they haven't heard of the Champion's supposed attempt to ban Questing. The ending seemed a bit abrupt; it didn't seemed to have that tone of finality about it, if you get what I mean. it's like stopping a chapter halfway through when an event hasn't finished yet. Meh, I don't know.

Wonder if the comb was given to Tiponi's mom by Cauda.

[eevee-shayna]

misty! thanks for posting and welcome to my TDLQ topic!

I guess you could call this chapter a filler with interesting info in it. one of my favorite psrts of creating this world in my fic is coming up with interestig information. i like to figure out how each town gets it's water, their shelter, what their main export is, the people in the town, ect. i try to explain in each town about these facts. like how quartz gets it's water from underground rivers through wells, how limestone gets water from limewater lake, how hot springs gets water from their hot springs, and swarm gets their water from rain water. i like to figure out that stuff. i love how Swarm is the most like a city, but it is also the most connected with nature. it's ironic, but somehow it works.

Old news for the mineral mountains is new news for Swarm, and visa versa. Swarm is sort of like an island. sometimes a person may visit, but mostly people ignore it's existance. they are isolated from the mineral mountains, which is ironic because the mineral mountains is isolated from the world.

Wonder if the comb was given to Tiponi's mom by Cauda.

good observation. you shall see.

maybe the chapter seemed to have a sudden ending, but it's probly because i usually like to keep chapters to about 3 pages long (in word). i felt like tiponi sitting and waiting was a good time to stop because nothing was happening. she was waiting. and stopping it there means that you don't really know how much time passed between the two chapters. there is another reason, but you won't find out untill chapter 32 (that is IF you pick up on the clue.)

BTW, i'm weird like that in the fact that i like to keep on avreage about 7 chapters in storage. right now i just started chapter 33.

so, i hope you continue to read. the next chapter should be up when i finish ch. 33. or when Teacher replies. depends.

stay tuned!

[Mew Trainer Rose]

Shayna, you posted the unedited version again. I noticed basic spelling/grammer mistakes in the first few lines. I know I would have caught those. That and the line spacing is the same as when you send it to me in an email.

[eevee-shayna]

no, that was was copied straight from your email to me. you can tell because of how the paragraphs take up only half of the screen, a distinct side effect of copying strate from email. in that case, you emailed me the unedited version back. so in that case, you should send the edited version.

[Mew Trainer Rose]

-_- I always send the edited version. i don't keep a copy of the unedited one (except the email, which I never look at again.) Perhaps you're copying from the email you sent me instead of what i sent to you. or you forgot that i already resent a bunch of chapters (last time you posted an unedited one) by PM.

[mr_pikachu]

So we have further evidence of a possible connection between Cauda and Tiponi's mom, huh? The plot thickens.

...I'm going to break my tradition a little bit and get my advice out of the way first. Just make sure you read the end of my post, too, okay?



NOTE: Whenever I notice a basic spelling error, I will mention it in this format: (the word or phrase in the text/what should be there). That's sort of a shorthand for me that keeps me from having to type extensive explanations.


"Tiponi, you most be mistaken."

(most/must)


"I did." replied Tiponi.

Since the sentence extends beyond the quote, you cannot end the quote with a period. A comma is the proper replacement.


Medwen caught on.

(Medwen/Medwin)


After a few moments, when she had
controlled herself, Cauda said in a quite voice "I think we should
discuss this in a city meeting."

Egads! First of all, the formatting is awful here; you started a new line with the Enter key twice in one sentence! Second, (quite/quiet). And lastly, there should be a comma before the quote to separate it from the rest of the sentence.


Ekad looked at his mother in perplexment, than said "It's getting
late."

You started a new line right before “late”, (than/then), and you need a comma before the quote once again.


His mother nodded and said "Perhaps that would be best."

You still need a comma before the quote…


She stood up and added "I'll take your tea cups to the kitchen."

Comma before the quote…


With
that, she gathered the tea cups, saucers, and teapot, and disappeared
into the kitchen.

The formatting’s problematic again; you started new lines before “that” and “into”. Also, you might want a “the” before “teapot” to show that while the other items in the list are plural, “teapot” is singular.


Ekad stood up and was about to follow his mother into the kitchen, but
his dæmon stopped him by saying "Better leaver her alone."

(leaver/leave) and you need a comma before the quote.


"I'd catch you, if you fall." Ekad said benevolently.

The period at the end of the quote should be a comma. See the previous example for an explanation.


There was an uneasy silence, before Tiponi began to say
conversationally "How do these homes stay inside the giant Swarm
trees?"

More formatting issues (starting new lines), and you need a comma before the quote.


Ekad sat down in a chair and looked down at Tiponi as he answered
"When they hollow out the rooms, they put an herbal mixture onto the
walls in order to stunt the tree's interior growth."

You need a comma before the quote.


"That makes sense." she replied.

The period at the end of the quote should again be a comma.


"In Swarm, each tree house doesn't have it's own out house."

(out house/outhouse)


Tiponi looked at comb, than said "My parents."

(than/then), and a comma before the quote.


She quickly finished combing her hair, than put the comb away.

(than/then)


"Is there anywhere I could change into my night gown?" Tiponi asked right after.

I think the word “after” should be “afterward”, but I’m not sure. “After” is usually used in a chronological list (“…and after that, you can clean your room.”), while “afterward” typically is used in more of a situation like the one above. However, I have seen it done differently on occasion, so don’t just take my word for it.


Ekad stood up and said "I'll leave the room."

Comma before the quote.


"No, that's all right. But could you direct me to one of the
outhouses?" Tiponi said.

More formatting issues, again with starting new lines improperly.


"Actually, the closest one isn't too far
away from the public Bathhouse, if you want to go to it."

…More formatting problems. Same thing, again. Watch out for that Enter key!


"We'll be back, Mom." Ekad yelled courtesly to his mother as he
grabbed a jacket.

You can’t end a quote with a period if the sentence extends beyond the quote. It should be replaced with a comma.


"Alright." she replied steadily.

Same as above; insert a comma for the first period.


The sky had darkened, and most of the hustle and bustling people had
gone home.

I think you mixed nouns here. The phrase “hustle and bustling people” should either be “hustle and bustle” or “hustling and bustling people”. The latter idea requires that change because you’re describing what people are doing. Thus, the “ing” would be needed to complete “hustling” there. The first example is a different noun, basically talking about the traffic throughout the town.


After a moment, Ekad said "This way."

Comma before the quote.


The four walked across a few rope bridges, until they came to a tree
stair case. Ekad led the way as they walked down the dark spiraling
stair case.

In both cases, (stair case/staircase).


The only light came from Medwin's tail, and a few
scattered windows in the tree walls.

First of all, watch the formatting. Second, you don’t need a comma, since you only have two subjects in the list of light sources (Medwin’s tail and the windows).


There was a woman at
the counter with a Warturtle for a dæmon.

Firstly, formatting. Secondly, (Warturtle/Wartortle).


"I would like to use the bathhouse, please." said Tiponi, Quietly.

You need a comma in place of the first period, and “Quietly” should be decapitalized.


"Could you tell me where you get all this water from?" Tiponi said curiously.

Wait a second… didn’t she ask this in a previous chapter? I was sure it was explained before…


"Certainly," the woman replied, "I can tell you are an outsider. Swarm
gets its water supply from the rain. You may have noticed the silos on
the highest trees. Some of that water is for drinking and crops, and
some of the water is for this bathhouse. You'd think there wouldn't be
enough water to go around, but Swarm's placement in the Mineral
Mountains is unique. This city is right next to Wing Span Mountain.
The water from Lime Water Lake evaporates and becomes clouds. The
clouds rise over Wing Span Mountain and freeze because of the
temperature on the top of the mountain. When the clouds descend, the
temperature becomes warmer and melts the clouds, causing them to let
go all of their water onto Swarm. Because of this surplus of water,
the forests that Swarm is nested in are able to thrive, as well as
many plants and animals found only here. The giant trees this city is
built into are the center of where the water falls, and therefore are
able to grow so large."

Why did I show you this entire paragraph? Because the formatting dictates a new line 14 times here. You don’t need to hit “Enter” every time; TPM’s programming will naturally skip to a new line when each one runs out of room in a post. Most word processing systems will also do that on their own, without messing with the natural formatting of the paragraphs. When you transfer the text, TPM will automatically alter it to fit within the text box. There’s no need to press the “Enter” key to start a new line; it will be regulated for you.


"But a better be going, I've taken up
enough of your time." she said with a smile.

(a/I), formatting again, and you can’t end a quote with a period when the sentence extends beyond the quote.


Her dæmon looked at Medwin, than asked "Will he be alright in the water?"

Comma before the quote.


"I can manage" the Charmander replied proudly.

You need a comma (or another closing punctuation mark) to end the quote here.


He took the dripping clothe, walked over to a small wooden bench next
to the tub, and began to clean himself as he sat down.

(clothe/cloth) and formatting.


(There were more "line jumps" elsewhere, but I just mentioned enough for you to see how widespread that particular error was.)



My criticism may make it look like you have a lot to work on, but it's not as bad as it seems. If you think about it, you really just made the same few slip-ups repeatedly. So as long as you understand and are able to fix the few main conceptual mistakes, you'll be able to clear up almost everything mentioned above. Plus, there were a lot of good points here, too. The comical bits with Medwin were nice, as was Cauda's sudden display of emotion. You did a good job of developing Ekad and Cauda, too. We're seeing more of their emotions and state of mind each chapter, and that adds a lot to the feel of this fic. Not much took place here, but it was still pretty good for a filler. I enjoyed it. Anyway, I'll see you next chapter! Until then!

[Samchu]

Nice to see a new chapter up again! Nice job Eevee! Having a filler chapter was a nice touch and the begnning paragraphs did a great job in increasing my suspitions about the connections between Caudia and Tiponi's mum.

It was really interested to learn about Swarm, especially as I get the feeling that Tiponi might be hanging around Swarm for a quite a while. I found the scene with the chamber pot to be pretty hilarious, it was a nice touch and it was nice to have a change of mood.

Its good to see that the story is still developing at an even pace - not too fast or slow - and that the characters are being developed well enough that we know as much as we need to know about them to find them believable.

And as always its good to see that our resident teacher is still as observant as always.

Once again, great job! Keep up the good work!

[eevee-shayna]

thanx guys. i'm glad you're enjoying the pace of the story and the developing plot.

i think i've figured out why the recent chapters have been coming out with random 'enters' in them. when i finish a chapter i send it to rose via email. she edits it and sends it back. usually i copy it amidiatly and replace my old copy for her new copy. however, sometimes i copy the chapter straight from the email and paste it on the board. the side effect of this, i have found out, is that the email format keeps messages in a sort of a collum form. hence why it looks like it has random 'enters' in it. so it's just the email, really. sending it through email also has the side effect of adding in random mla format stuff, which rose has to take out. i'm not sure if pm does all that stuff, but i could start using pm instead of email.

on a more random note, i feel like adding in a side bar right here. okay, it's not a side bar really, but you get he idea. you know, like when your ready a manga and the mangaka has a side bar where they just talk about whatever? anyway, in my side bar today i would like to mention what kind of music i listen to while writing this fic. most recently, i've been listening to Kenny Chesney's Be As You Are. its all about relaxing on the beach and getting away from the buisy city life. the cd is definatly relaxing, so if chapters 30-33 come out with a tint of relaxation in the backround, you know why. Ive also been watching old Rowan and Marten's Laugh In episodes. funny stuff there. ok, i'll finish up my side bar by saying the next chapter should be up as soon as i finish the latest one. say good night dick. good night dick.

[eevee-shayna]

thanks for waiting.
here's chapter 26
enjoy.

Chapter 26

"Tiponi, is that you?" said a voice. It was Ekad, running to the Bathhouse entrance to meet up with Tiponi.

"You haven't been waiting long?" he asked.

"Only a few momements," she replied. She had been sitting against the wall of the building as she waited, and was enjoying the night's beauty, despite its chilly wind.

Tiponi stood up, picking her pack up as she did, and Ekad was able to see her properly. Her long, damp hair clung to her head and shoulders, and her eyelashes stuck together and looked darker because of the residual water. The cream-colored nightgown she wore hung loosely from her shoulders, and the hem gently brushed the ground. Although plain, the gown was shaped by Tiponi's body, and the pleats on the lower half of the nightgown were draped gracefully. As Tiponi walked toward Ekad, the moon bathed her with a pale, captivating light that seemed to make her glow.

"You're beautiful," Ekad blurted out, entranced by her magical appearance.

Tiponi blushed, adding color to her fair face. A chilly gust of wind wafted through the trees, and then past the humans and their dæmons. Medwin's flame flickered in the wind, and his human shivered.

"Here," said Ekad as he placed the jacket he'd been carrying onto the young woman's shoulders.

He then began walking, and Tiponi followed. They walked up the tree staircase, on various bridges, and finally to Ekad's home. He paused in front of the door and seemed like he was about to say something, but decided against it and opened the door.

When they entered the two-room home, the smell of tea and a home-cooked meal filled the house.

"Ah, so you're back!" said Cauda cheerfully. She walked into the main room and placed a few dishes on the table.

Kyuubi dragged the chairs out for the company and said, "Please, sit."

They obeyed, and Ekad, Tiponi, Medwin, and Cauda took the four chairs at the table, while Anata and Kyuubi sat respectively by their humans. While they ate the stew in front of them, Cauda caught Ekad up on all the gossip and happenings in Swarm. To Tiponi, they were speaking a different language, and she just tuned them out. The end of the meal was proclaimed when their host began to clear the table and wash the dishes.

"Need any help, Mom?" Ekad asked politely.
Cauda popped her head out of the kitchen and into the main room.

"No, I've got it. You should go to bed. You must be exhausted from your trip." And with a friendly smile, she disappeared into the other room. "'Night, sweetie!" she called back to him.

Ekad turned to Tiponi. She was sipping the last of her tea, her hair curling as it dried.

"Do you need anything else?" he asked, stifling a yawn.

She shook her head as she echoed the yawn. Medwin took her now-empty tea cup and brought it to the kitchen. When he returned he was sleepily rubbing his eyes.

Ekad just nodded and retired to his bed. Tiponi curled up with Medwin in her sleeping bag, shifting a bit in the soft blankets that surrounded her until she was comfortable. It seemed that the instant she shut her eyes, she fell asleep.

----

When Tiponi awoke again, the room was pitch-black. She assumed that her hosts were asleep in their beds, and that it was quit late. She lay there for quit some time before her eyesight allowed her to see Medwin's brilliant blue-white flame. She thought about how her eyesight seemed to be getting slower and slower to recover. Thoughts of Questing filled her mind. She thought about her father, and how long it had been since she had sent him a letter. She thought about the murders, about Hot Springs, and about Etchemin. All of these thoughts swirled in her mind, making her dizzy.

Tiponi stood up, waking Medwin.

"Huh?" he murmured, confused by the sudden movement.

"Shh..." she said quietly.

The Quester walked silently to the door and exited through it. Medwin followed her outside, and they closed the door behind them.

"What is it?" her dæmon asked.

"We haven't talked alone for awhile." Tiponi answered.

"Hmm. You've been thinking. What's on your mind?" Medwin leaned against the railing on the platform in front of the door.

Tiponi breathed in the cold air. It smelled of leaves and smoke.

"Remember yesterday when I told her our last name? When I said "Vared", she gave a funny look and said a word. Did you hear what she said?"
"Hmmm. I think she said "Apple" or "Paul", something that sounded like that. Now that you mention it, it was kind of strange."

"And there's another thing: I think she knew our parents."

"You know, I got that impression, too, when Anata said that Cauda used to make tortoiseshell combs, like the one we got from Mom. It's all strange."

Tiponi shivered as a cool breeze blew by. She looked up at the moon and said in a hushed tone, "Can we trust her?"

"Yes." Medwin replied without a trace of uncertainty. "She may not be telling us the whole truth, but she won't lie. A Ninetails is a noble and rare pokemon. Anyone who's dæmon has evolved into a Ninetails has to be trustworthy. There is no way you can be a liar and have that pokemon. He is her soul, and her soul is noble and pure."

Tiponi nodded in agreement, then added, "Though she is pure, she still has some skeletons in her closest. I just wish I knew what they were."

The two stood in silence for some time. A soft creaking noise broke the long pause. When the two looked for the source, they saw Ekad and Anata walking on a bridge to the platform.

"What are you doing up?" Ekad asked as he stepped onto the platform.
Tiponi could see that his hair was wet, and noticed he smelled of herbs and flowers.

"Talking," she replied, shivering again.

"You better get inside before you get sick," Anata said.

The troop went inside and got back into their beds.

Tiponi couldn't help think about what she had talked about. She tried to think of what Cauda had said; "Apple" or "Paul", or whatever it was. But soon she was fast asleep.

----

That same night, a shady character sat wearily at his table. Mr. Claec had papers and books scattered around him. He flipped madly through one old, yellowing book. Scanning a few lines, he turned to a crumpled paper scattered with notes, and scratched another note onto it.

Suddenly he paused. Leaning back in his chair he read the paper covered in messy scribbles.

"AH HA!" he exclaimed, leaping up, knocking over his chair in the process. His Umbreon dæmon jumped in fright from her human's sudden outburst.
Mr. Cleac pulled a hand through his greasy, unkept hair. He hadn't tended to his hygienic needs for the past few months, and he was beginning to look like a madman.

"I have the formula!" he said excitedly. "Just a few simple ingredients, and this power is as good as mine!"

He laughed histerically, and his blood-shot eyes darted around the room. His dæmon sneered evilly.

"What of the 'source' these books speak of?" she asked her human.

"Patience, my dark friend. In time, all the mysteries will be solved.
But now, we must hurry and gather the items. The formula must be made in order for this to work. Now, we shall call for a coach and collect these vital ingredients!" he cried fanatically.

The two hurriedly gathered their papers and books, then sped out the door.

[mr_pikachu]

Ah, interesting! Tiponi's beginning to figure out that there's a connection between her mother and Cauda. What relationship they had exactly is still in the dark, but things are becoming clearer by the chapter. But what's Mr. Claec up to? He keeps ranting about a "formula"... what's up with that? And is there something developing between Ekad and Tiponi? Hmm...

I liked the information given in this chapter, first of all. There wasn't much, but it was the type of thing that makes you think. Your character development was good as well; I actually had a specific sentence I made note of that I particularly liked:


While they ate the stew in front of them, Cauda caught Ekad up on all the gossip and happenings in Swarm. To Tiponi, they were speaking a different language, and she just tuned them out.

I’ve done that before, on occasion… nice bit of character development, there.


Cauda was examined more, as well. She seems to be a nice old lady, and her soul seems pure. But what secrets is she hiding from Tiponi? What is she trying to protect the young quester from? I'm anxious to find out. Nicely done there. Your character descriptions, specifically of Tiponi and Ekad, were pretty good as well.

There were a few things, though, that are worth mentioning for improvement:


"Only a few momements," she replied.

Er… “momements”?


"Need any help, Mom?" Ekad asked politely.
Cauda popped her head out of the kitchen and into the main room.

After all the trouble I gave you before… this time you’re actually missing a blank line. *slaps forehead dramatically.


Medwin took her now-empty tea cup and brought it to the kitchen.

Hmm… I’m pretty sure it should be that Medwin “took it to the kitchen.” The word “brought” implies that the object was brought into the scene, not away from it. If you want to avoid the repetitive use of “took”, you can replace the first one with “grabbed”, or something.


She assumed that her hosts were asleep in their beds, and that it was quit late.

(quit/quite)


"Remember yesterday when I told her our last name? When I said "Vared", she gave a funny look and said a word. Did you hear what she said?"
"Hmmm. I think she said "Apple" or "Paul", something that sounded like that. Now that you mention it, it was kind of strange."

Again, the standard full line to separate paragraphs in a fic is missing. In a book, you wouldn’t need it, but creating indents on a forum is a major hassle. Plus, the full line barrier is the format you’ve used the entire time.


"Yes." Medwin replied without a trace of uncertainty.

Remember, you can’t end the quote with a period if you continue the sentence afterward. I assume you merely missed this one.


“Patience, my dark friend. In time, all the mysteries will be solved.
But now, we must hurry and gather the items."

You skipped to a new line again. (btw, this sentence was originally italicized, too.)


But overall, this is going well. I'm impressed with how you seem to be picking up the grammar rules and applying them. Your overall writing style feels better to me, as well. I think you're moving in the right direction here. Well, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter, where hopefully we'll find out more about Cauda's secrets! See you then!

[eevee-shayna]

glad you enjoyed it!

I enjoyed writing the details in this chapter, especially the begining part with Tiponi and the moon. I hope i was able to paint a picture there for you.

you know how i used "moments" in a place where i could have used "minutes"? I strive to keep measurements out of this story. i decided awhile ago that i didn't want metric measurement, or anything. if i ever put something of the sort in, i didn't mean to. i'm picky like that.

Swarm will have a lot of interesting stuff happening in it, so stay tuned.

[mr_pikachu]

you know how i used "moments" in a place where i could have used "minutes"? I strive to keep measurements out of this story. i decided awhile ago that i didn't want metric measurement, or anything.

Uh... no. I think you missed the point of my comment. The word "moments" isn't bad, but the misspelling of it is. Allow me to demonstrate.

moments
momements

The top form is the correct spelling of the word in question. The bottom illustrates what was written in the actual text. You see, you added two extra letters in there by mistake. When I referred to that word, the spelling error was what I was trying to convey. Not the lack of precision in the term. Quite frankly, sometimes vagueness can indeed be preferrable, so no problem there. Just fix the spelling.

[eevee-shayna]

I did catch that, i was just comenting on the use of the word. I've been wanting to mention it for awhile, and you brought it back to my attention. just me rambling, really.

[mistysakura]

Interesting stuff. I bet she said Apala. I especially liked Tiponi and Medwin's private talk about Cauda, and the reference to her daemon being a reflection of you chose Medwin was chosen for Tiponi, sure they get along well but their personalities differ in many ways. (Yeah you said it was a spoiler.) The formula that Mr. Claec speaks of will open up some new developments, I'm sure. The use of the word "ingredients" did make me think of cooking recipes though, perhaps making it sound trivial for the situation.

See you next chapter.

[eevee-shayna]

good observations misty. stay tuned and all will be answered.

This chapter took a bit of research on my part. they harvest crops and i didn't want to use anything to advanced. i didn't want any complicated contraptions or horse drwn things. anyway, enjoy.


Chapter 27

Tiponi woke up to the smell of baking bread. As she sat up and leaned against the wall, she felt her dæmon squirm out from under the covers where they had slept.

"Come on, let’s go into the kitchen!" said Medwin, excited by the smell of fresh, home-made bread.

"I-I can't!" Tiponi stuttered in a hushed and anxious voice.

The girl felt her dæmon climb onto her lap.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"I can't see!" she whispered. Tiponi could feel tears welling up in her eyes. There had been trouble with her eyesight returning before, but now she was afraid she might have gone blind!

Medwin was quiet for a long time. Finally, he said, "Try rubbing your eyes."

Tiponi nodded her head slightly, than wiped the tears out of her eyes before rubbing them vigorously. At first it did nothing, but eventually her eyesight returned. However, she couldn't help notice that the room looked slightly fuzzier then before.

"Better?" Medwin asked in a concerned voice.

She nodded and blinked a few times.

"This isn't the first time," she whispered to her dæmon. "It started when that old man, Ol' Harvey, attacked us on our way to Hot Springs. And it's been getting worse and worse since then." She was glad she had finally told Medwin, but she was scared about the condition getting worse.

"We'll figure something out," said Medwin. Tiponi noticed a quiver of uncertainty in her dæmon's voice.

"Okay," Tiponi responded, "Let's go to the kitchen."

Medwin hopped off her lap. The Quester rose from her warm blankets and shook her pleated nightgown to remove the wrinkles. Medwin followed her as she walked to the kitchen.

In this room they saw many cabinets and shelves on the polished wood walls, with a large counter that running the full length of one wall. One section of the counter was different from the rest, and was separated by a thumb-wide gap. The section was a sort of small stone hearth with red-hot coals burning inside of it, which warmed the section of counter above it, as well as the small room. Tortoiseshell combs decorated the window sill, which was located above the small hearth, and in the center of the room stood Cauda, Ekad, and their dæmons.
"G'mor'in," said Kyuubi. He was holding a metal basket in his mouth, filled with empty glass bottles.

"Ah, Tiponi, you’re awake!" said Ekad excitedly.

"Yes, today is the Harvest Festival," said Anata, sharing her human's joy.

But before they could say anything else about it, there was a knock on the door. Kyuubi started to walk to the door, carrying the basket in his mouth.

Cauda turned to Ekad and said "Tend to the bread, please. I'll be right back."

Ekad nodded in acknowledgment and his mom left the room. Ekad pulled open a small door in front of the hearth with a thick rag in his hand. He then used the rag to pull out a fully baked loaf of bread. He had just placed it on the counter full of bread loaves and closed the little door, when Cauda returned into the room. Her Ninetails soon followed, carrying a new metal basket with glasses full of water.

Tiponi stared on the basket in puzzlement and began to say "How-" but Cauda just smiled and answered the girl's unfinished question.

"In Swarm we get our water twice a week via delivery by the Waterman. He takes the old basket and brings us a new basket. It's the only way to insure everyone water, because we can't exactly all have water pumps in our kitchens."

Kyuubi nodded as he put the water down. "And if you pay for it, you can get ice delivered every other day."

Cauda picked up the basket and placed it into one of the many cabinets in the kitchen. Tiponi had to admit, this town was very resourceful in adapting to their unusual living situation. Then again, it was probably normal to them.

The group then shuffled to the table in the main room of the house and ate their breakfast of tea, toast, and jam. They finished quickly so they could join the festivities.

As they walked outside and down the tree staircase to the ground, signs were all around that the festival was about to begin. Children laughed gleefully as the city’s citizens set up all sorts of booths. The smell of the Leaf Falling Season, ripe crops, and delicious foods filled the Swarm air. Cauda was carrying a large cloth bag that was full of her fresh breads.

When they reached the ground, a man pointed Cauda to a long row of tables that was already filled with good things to eat. The woman walked over and placed all of her breads on a table. Tiponi noticed that she had made all sorts of breads; honey, corn, fruit, nut, and some she didn't recognize. Piled on the table were cakes, cookies, breads, salads, vegetable platters, fruits, chicken, various meats, teas, cider, and more. The table seemed endless. Many people rushed by, placing more food on the table, and performing a variety of pre-festival preparations.
"Alright, let's get started! Everyone, come over here!" called a loud voice over the bustle. Everyone gathered near the person who had called out, and Tiponi joined her hosts as they followed the crowd. Standing on a makeshift stage was a tall, elderly man. His Armaldo dæmon stood equally tall beside him.

"Can I have your attention?" he yelled. Soon, it seemed like the whole city was packed around the stage, attentively staring at this man. "Thank you. As Swarm's City Organizer, I duly declare this year's Harvest Gathering Festival officially open!"

The whole crowd began to cheer, and the man motioned for everyone to quiet down. When the noise lowered, the man resumed his speech.

"I'll quickly go over a few things, then we can get to the festivities. First off, we'll start off with the traditional gathering of the last harvest of the year. After that, we will all meet here to celebrate the good year and the good harvest we have been blessed with. I remind you that we have food that was generously donated by everyone, there will be our annual food contest, the apple cider drinking contest, the children's pokemon costume contest, various craft booths, and events on this stage all day long. I encourage you all to enjoy the festivities, and to give thanks for our crops!"

Everyone cheered after his announcement, than turned around and began to walk toward the fields. As the Swarm inhabitants neared them, volunteers handed out harvesting tools. The children were given string instead of tools, so they could tie bails together and carry them to the ground silos. Tiponi, Ekad, and Cauda were each handed a scythe. Tiponi looked at the tool she had been handed. It had an arm-length handle made out of wood. At the end of the handle was a long, curved blade. The girl had used this instrument many times back at home on her father's farm, and was very experienced with it.

People gathered onto a wagon that was being pulled by a Ponyta. The Ponyta's human was in the seat of the wagon and was giving the steering orders. Tiponi and her hosts joined the crowd in filing onto the wagon. Once everyone was siting down, the man gave the order and his Ponyta began to walk to a part of the field that was farther away.

"I kinda miss farming," Medwin told his human.

Tiponi smiled at him. "Yeah, me too. There's nothing like home."

While the bumpy wagon ride continued, a woman leaned over to Cauda and said "Did you make your delicious breads this year, Cauda?" Ekad's mom smiled at the woman.

"You bet I did. And I'm entering a special one into the food competition."

"Oh good, I always look forward to it. And are you going to have a craft booth and sell those beautiful tortoiseshell combs?"
Cauda glanced at Tiponi quickly, than said, "You know I haven't sold them for a few years now."

The woman nodded. "Of course-" she then spotted Tiponi and Medwin. "Well, look here, some outsiders! Where'd you pick them up?"

Everyone in the wagon turned at the mention of an outsider, and looked at the new girl. The wagon erupted with the sound of excited whispers. Then they all began asking questions at the same time.

"Who are you?"

"Where did you come from?"

"Are you a Quester?"

"How long have you been here?"

"What's the outside world up to?"

"YO!" yelled the Charmander by her side. The noise immediately stopped. All of the Swarm residents on the wagon stared at Tiponi with deep interest.

"H-Hi, I'm Tiponi of Quartz, a-and this is Medwin," she told them shakily, obviously intimidated by all of the attention.

"Quartz..." whispered various voices.

"Yes. And I am a Quester." Tiponi added.

The crowd began asking more questions.

"Are you going to challenge Muata?"

"What's going on outside of Swarm?"

"HEY!" interrupted Ekad. He looked at Tiponi quickly, and saw that she was getting nervous from their verbal attacks.

"She is going to talk at a town meeting. So hold your questions," he said firmly.

Tiponi was thankful for Ekad's assistance, since she didn't like all the people pounding her with questions. She was still a little shy, although she had come a long way from how timid she had been in the beginning of her journey.
"Thanks, Ekad," Tiponi whispered to the boy.

He smiled at her and nodded his head. He seemed so mature and confident. A thought then popped into her head.

"Ekad, how old are you?" she asked.

He gave the girl a puzzled look, than replied "Sixteen years, and you?"

"Fourteen."

The wagon stopped and the driver yelled "Move on out an' harvest. You guys are getting corn. I'll be back later to pick the corn up, and then all of you."

The crowd filed out of the wagon and spread out around the area. Tiponi noticed they were still staring at her, but after all, she was an outsider. Outsiders were very uncommon in this city.

The wagon pulled away and left the harvesters in the field. The workers spread out over the field and began to work. Following their example, Tiponi held her scythe firmly in her hands and walked over to a thicket of corn stalks. With powerful strokes, she flung the curved blade through the stalks, cutting them near the ground. Despite the hard labor and her heavy wool skirt, the girl barely broke into a sweat as she harvested a massive section of land.

Finally, after working for a long time, Tiponi took a break to catch her breath. A group of children and their dæmons ran over to the section of cut stalks. They gathered bundles together and skillfully tied them with string. When they finished tying up all the stalks, they carried them over to a pile for the wagon to pick up. It made Tiponi smile to hear them laugh gleefully as they worked. Perhaps they were imagining all the fun activities and good food that they would encounter at the festival after the harvesting was over. The harvesting wouldn't take too much longer. After all, the whole city was out in the fields harvesting the remainder of the crops.

"You taking a break, too?" panted Ekad behind Tiponi. She turned around to face him. His face was red from the hard labor in the chilly air.

"Yeah. I'll be getting back to work soon. I'm just waiting for the children to finish tying up the stalks I cut." she replied.

He nodded, then Anata said "You're very good at harvesting, I'm surprised."

"We grew up on a farm, after all. So we're used to crops, and using a scythe, and things," replied Medwin casually.

"Makes sense, Quartz is mostly farmland," Ekad said, thinking aloud.
"Hey, don't just stand around, kids. We need to get this done!" called Cauda from not to far away.

The two teenagers smiled and returned to cutting down the corn stalks with their scythes. The sun slowly rose in the sky while the people of Swarm were busy at work. The sun was directly above them when the man in the wagon came to collect the bundled crops. The children lifted the bundles from the pile to the wagon, until the whole pile was in it.

"I need a few of you kids to come with me to the silo, and the rest of you have to finish up here," the man told them.

The eager children raised their hands yelling, "Pick me! Pick me!"

The man pointed to a few of them, who jumped into the last available spaces in the wagon, then the wagon sped off to the silos. The rest of the children walked back to the field to finish up their job.

All of the adults in the group walked over to the remaining sections of uncut stalks, and began chopping away. In no time, they had gathered the last of the crops.

With nothing to do and a few moments to spare before the man came back to pick them and the remaining corn up, the people gathered together and talked.

"Wow Tiponi, you're really good with the scythe!" exclaimed Cauda. Tiponi laughed, glad for the complement.

"Yeah, you must have cut half the field," Anata said.

"We've been doing it our whole lives, and we’ve become quite strong," replied Medwin with pride. This caused Tiponi to giggle some more. She patted her dæmon's head and smiled.

They chatted a little longer about the harvest, and then the wagon arrived. People, tools, and corn stalks gathered on it until they were packed in tight. The wagon pulled away from the cut-down field, bringing them to the main part of the city, where the festivities would begin.

[mr_pikachu]

So the blindness is coming back again with a vengeance, huh? That'll make Questing hard. And the Festival's about to begin! That should be good fun. This was a filler, but it was still good to see the characters interact the way they did.

Nice tension early on. That blindness issue keeps creeping up, so it has to be more than something just thrown in for the heck of it. I've got a feeling that'll be a major issue later on. Good stuff. And the harvesting was done well, too; way to show Tiponi's abilities there.

There were some criticisms worth noting, though:


They shortly reached the doorway, than ceased their sojourn.

First of all, (than/then). Second, the part after the comma isn’t a complete thought. Either you need to get rid of the comma, or you should add a noun (probably something similar to “they”) to that second half of the sentence.


“Ah, Tiponi, you have awaken!” said Ekad excitedly.

(awaken/awakened)


“Yes, today is the Harvest Festival.” said Anata, sharing her human’s joy.

Remember, you can’t end the quote with a period if the sentence extends beyond the quote!


“It’s the only way to insure everyone water, because we can’t exactly all have water pumps in our kitchens.”

(insure/ensure)


Once everyone was siting down, the man gave the order and his Ponyta began to walk to a part of the field that was farther away.

(siting/sitting). Also, I’m not certain, but “farther” may need to be changed to “further”. That’s a pretty vague rule, so I can’t be sure either way.


Cauda glanced at Tiponi quickly, than said, “You know I haven’t sold them for a few years now.”

(than/then), and the part after the first comma is not a complete thought. Remember, you’ve got to have a subject, just like before!


“H-Hi, I’m Tiponi of Quartz, a-and this is Medwin.” she said shakily, she was obviously intimidated by all of the attention.

Firstly, you ended the quote with a period but continued the sentence afterward again. Secondly, the last comma improperly connects the two complete thoughts. If you want to use a comma there, you need a conjunction immediately afterward. Otherwise, a period or a semicolon may be more appropriate.


“Yes. And I am a Quester.” Tiponi added.

You ended the quote with the period but continued the sentence again.


“She is going to talk at a town meeting. So hold your questions.” he said firmly.

Same as the previous one.


He gave the girl a puzzled look, than replied “Sixteen years, and you?”

You need a comma before the quote to separate it from the rest of the sentence. Whenever the quote itself contains a complete sentence, you have to set it aside from the rest of the sentence with a comma.


The wagon stopped and the driver yelled “Move on out an’ harvest. You guys get corn. I’ll be back later to pick the corn up, and then you.”

Same as the previous one.


He nodded, then Anata said “You’re very good at harvesting, I’m surprised.”

The first thing to point out is the same as the previous one. However, you also used a comma to separate two complete thoughts without including a conjunction again. I’m talking about the comma inside the quote. All the dialect and grammar in the world can be insane in a quote, but you still must keep proper punctuation unless you have a very good reason for not doing so (such as creating some sort of literary effect). You can’t use that comma since there’s no conjunction, so a semicolon or a period may be better there.


The eager children rose their hands yelling “Pick me! Pick me!”

You need a comma before the quote again. Also, “rose” should be “raised”. The former shows something rising on its own, the latter is someone/something taking an action to raise the object in question (in this case, the children’s hands. And “children’s” is actually the correct use of possessiveness, since the word “children” is plural without the need for an “s”).


“Yeah, you must have cut half the field.” Anata said.

You ended the quote with a period again. You can’t do that if the sentence continues.


This was good overall, though. I understand that it's difficult to avoid the occasional filler, and this one was executed well. Tiponi's character was developed a little, and Ekad's was as well, to some extent (when he defended Tiponi from the "verbal attacks"). I'm intrigued by the developing friendship (or is it more?) relationship between those two. Anyway, I look forward to your next chapter! Until then!


EDIT: Before I forget, the key is still (word in text/corrected word).

[eevee-shayna]

i edited the chapter because i, yet again, posted the wrong copy. and i though i had gotton the right one this time..

a filler? i supose it was. in that case, the next few will be fillers, bacause they express that happenings of the festival. but every filler has important developements with charactors and plots, so they are important.

stay tuned and you will find out more about the charactors and developements in plot!

[mistysakura]

Interesting, although it's not really an important chapter for the central plot, it's also got good stuff in it. The festival sounds interesting, and Tiponi's blindness might turn into a serious problem later on, as it seems to be getting worse quickly. (By the way, I read a fic about a blind trainer once, it was interesting to see how she managed to train like everybody else.) It's also interesting how Swarm almost never gets any outsiders, it must be really, really isolated. But you'd think Questers would pass thorugh regularly for their badges, so what's up with that?

In any case, good chapter.

[eevee-shayna]

hey misty. i'm glad you enjoyed it. swarm is pretty isolated, and remember that the best way to get to swarm is by leaving from hot springs, which no trainer who knows anything would want to go through. pluss, questing is not a popular sport. the majority of the mineral mountains doesn't particapate, only a few. and no one else has a reason to go to swarm. also, unless you have a guide, most travelers get lost in the forest surrounding the city. plus, in this age of time, there are no phones or comunication things to connect cities. if you read about places in history, towns were pretty isolated. in swarm, the residents sometimes leave, then come back. but outsiders are not common.

the next few chapters are fun. enjoy.


Chapter 28

The creaky wagon slowly pulled into the main part of the city. As the Ponyta ceased to walk, the workers jumped off, carrying the corn stalks, scythes, and string away. Tiponi walked down the three wooden steps from the back of the wagon and shook her skirt slightly.

"Whoa..." mumbled Tiponi, staring at the scene in front of her. The Harvest Gathering Festival was in full swing in the city of Swarm. Tables set up in long rows were filled with assortments of items to be sold. Fancy dresses, rare gems, sweet breads, decorative swords, the finest glass jars and beads from Soil, dolls, colorful blankets made of sheep’s wool from Quartz, hand made nick-nacks, and more. There were even a few roasting spits, where the venders were selling large portions of meat for ridiculously low prices. And of course there was the mountain of food that had been donated by the residents.

"Care to join me, Tiponi? We shouldn't let the festival go on with out us." Ekad said, hopping off the wagon behind her.

"That sure was a great harvest. Well, be back in time for the food contest. Maybe this year I'll beat Mrs. Kaas's pie," Cauda said excitedly.

"We'll be there," said Anata, "Come on!"

They separated from Cauda and Kyuubi, and began to walk into the large crowd.

"I got to use a tool this year!" said an excited young voice they passed.

"Wow! I can't wait 'till I'm old enough to use one! I still have to tie the crops together. But at least this year I got to unload at the silo," answered a younger voice.

They walked passed the voices and to the table of food. Ekad poured from a pitcher of cold iced tea into two large cups. He handed one to Tiponi, then drank deeply from the second. Tiponi drank from her cup gratefully. The hard work in the field had left her quite parched. After she had drunk her fill, she offered the cup to her dæmon, who drank the remaining liquid. Tiponi noticed that Ekad was also allowing his dæmon to finish off his iced tea. When they finished, Ekad wiped the cups dry with a towel on the table, and left the cups for another thirsty person to use.

"Nothing is going on at the main stage yet, so let’s look at the tables." Ekad said thoughtfully. Tiponi nodded in agreement, and they began to walk to the end of the nearest row.

The first table was filled with baked goods to be sold. Not interested in buying, the two teenagers moved on to the next table. It was filled with jewelry. Tiponi could hear a resident haggling with the vender.

"I'll give you 10 coins for this necklace."

"Ten coins? That's way to low for this! You happen to have your eye on an exquisite glass beaded necklace. The beads were blown by skilled glass blowers in Soil, you know."

"Fine. I will raise my price to 15 coins. No more."

"Look at the skill on this! Perfect spheres like this are worth at least 30 coins."

They moved on to the next table, which showcased more jewelry. The necklaces, rings, and other assortments were decorated with various rocks and gems.

"All of the pieces I am selling today were mined from Boulder," said a middle-aged man who stood behind the table.

Tiponi just smiled and walked on. They continued to look at all the fancy things, until they came to a row that sold only books and maps. Ekad immediately gravitated toward the books on bugs and plants.

"I'll keep looking, you can stay here," said Tiponi.

She continued to walk to all the tables, reading the book titles and moving on. Finally, she saw a book that caught her eye. Legends, Legendaries, and Their Meanings was a fairly thick book and had a stunning leather-bound cover with an elaborate picture of the so-called "Legendaries". The girl picked the book up with great interest and traced the amazing bird-like pokemon on the cover with her finger. Tiponi had heard about these mystical creatures, and marveled at how they had been parted from their humans - if they had ever had humans - and were able to fly freely.

Medwin looked up at his human and said "I'm interested in that stuff too, Tiponi. Could we get that book?"

The girl flipped through the book. It was filled with stories and pictures that could keep her amused for years. The book was amazing and the girl found herself quickly captivated.

"Excuse me miss, are you interested in purchasing that book?" said a man who walked up to her.

"Yes, this book is interesting, I might like to buy it. And How much would you charge for it?" Tiponi asked the man.

"Well, that book has been at this festival for many years; I just haven't been able to sell it. So I'm willing to give you a reduced price, because that would only be fair. However, it is a very rare and expensive book, so the starting price is quite high. I'd be willing to part from it for, say, 100 coins?" Tiponi suddenly looked very bleak. 100 coins was far too much. She was about to leave the stand with only her disappointment, when a familiar voice spoke from behind her.

"No, no, no; you've got to haggle with him."

The girl turned to see that the voice belonged to Matchi, the boy she had met when she had just entered the city.

The boy gave her a charming smile and walked up to her.

"Go on, offer him a lower price for the book."

She nodded and said, "Could you make that 90 coins instead?"

The boy cut her off and said, "Don't start off that high, offer a very low number, then he will say a higher one. The object of haggling is to pay the lowest price possible for an item."

Tiponi giggled, it sounded like some sort of game to her. She turned to the vender, who seemed annoyed that the boy had interrupted, and began to haggle.

"Very well. I offer you 10 coins for this book." she said.

"10 coins? For this treasure! I think you can raise that offer substantially. What about your previous offer of 90 coins?"

The girl shook her head. "It can't be worth that much."

"Stubborn, aren't ya? Very well. I will bring it down to 60, but past that I'd be losing coins on these deal."

Tiponi looked at Medwin, who shrugged, then at Matchi, who shook his head.

She looked back at the man and said, "You said yourself that you've had it for a long time and no one has wanted it for many festivals. Considering I'm your first buyer for it, I think the price can be lowered to 30."

The man gritted his teeth. "50, and now you're pushing it."

Tiponi knelt next to her dæmon to get his opinion.

"Go for it Tiponi. We haven't bought any treasures on this trip at all. We might as well treat ourselves for once."

She stood back up and said "I'll buy it for 45 coins, and remember, you will lose even more money on it if you don't sell it."

"Deal," he said, obviously eager to end the haggling.

Tiponi handed him the money, and happily took her book. She was full of joy to be able to own something special of her own. Although 45 coins had been the majority of her money, she was still glad to have the book. She knew it would be very interesting to read.

As she walked away from the table, Matchi walked with her.

"Great haggling, I've never seen someone get that penny-pincher to lower his price so much." He gave her a mysterious smirk and said, "You really are something different, Tiponi."

The girl just smiled back as her face became flushed. She pushed a clump of her light-brown, wavy hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. She looked at the cover of her book to avoid his eyes.

"Tell me about you. You are such a curiosity," he said.

"I'm a Quester from Quartz, I have three stamps, and I'm fourteen," she said politely.

He smiled slightly and said in a low and trailing tone, "That's nice."

The girl noticed how his dark clothes and black hair gave him a dark appearance. He had an essence about him that she could only describe as mysterious, different, and somewhat mischievous.

"And you?" Tiponi asked.

"That wouldn't be any fun. If I told you about myself now, then the mystery would be solved and you wouldn't stick around to get to know me later," he replied.

There was an uneasy silence as Matchi stared into her eyes. She hugger her book to herself and shifted her feet. Suddenly there was a yell from the crowd.

"Hey!" called the familiar voice, which belonged to Ekad.

Tiponi turned to him as Matchi looked up. Ekad ran over and stood by Tiponi's side. His face was red, but not from the cold.

"Did I do something wrong, officer?" joked Matchi with amusement.

Ekad just grit his teeth and said, "It would be best if you left Tiponi alone, Matchi."

The black-haired boy stared at them for a few moments. Finally, he lifted his hands and said "Easy there, I understand that she's a treasure."

Tiponi blushed again. Matchi stared at Ekad, then gave Tiponi a look that bore deep into her.

"My band has the last act of the day. I would be honored if you came. Until then, farewell, madam." He said as he bowed, then dissapeared into the vast crowd.

Tiponi was still blushing as Ekad turned to her.

"He's bad news, Tiponi. That boy is trouble."

She looked up at him. His face was stern and still red. She decided to change the subject.

"I bought a book," the girl said as she held it out to him.

"Legends, Legendaries, and Their Meanings," he read aloud. "Nice. I'd like to read some of that too, if you don't mind." Ekad gave her a smile, which she was glad for.

Tiponi began to speak, but was interrupted by a loud announcement.

"Attention! The food competition will be starting shortly at the main stage!"

"Shall we?" Ekad said, pointing toward the stage with a gesture of his hand.

Tiponi smiled and nodded. The two began to walk through the crowd to the stage. But she couldn't help wonder about Matchi, and who he really was.